Humor Times, August 2021

Page 1

“People want to make their own decisions, even if they’re poor ones... It’s part of their identity.” – critical-care physician Issue #352

August, 2021

Make America Grin Again! Mere l $2.98 y

®

Featuring the finest in editorial cartoons and political satire. Subscribe Today!


Be a Humor Times Patron!

If you believe in the cause of political humor, please consider becoming a Humor Times patron, via Patreon.com! Help us keep the lights on and pay our monthly bills, with a small (or large!) sustaining monthly donation. Get a reward, depending on your level of support. We thank you!

www.patreon.com/humortimes 2

OMNETWORKS A Complete Internet Solution WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3

Technical Support WWW.OMSOFT.COM • 530-758-0119 HUMOR TIMES

Available at the Artists Collaborative Gallery 129 K St. Old Sacramento www.johnreigerpottery.com August, 2021


Editor’s Letter

Father Scams Best

The COVID “Delta variant” is getting stronger. It is now the dominant strain in the U.S. and is causing big problems for hospitals in low-vaccination areas. It’s so strange that Trump’s supporters continue to berate the “fake news” for not giving Trump sufficient credit for getting the vaccines going, while at the same time refusing to take them. This, even though their big hero and his entire family took the vaccine themselves, as well as the entire Fox “News” organization and probably most of the Republican congress critters – from which they continue to absorb all their anti-vaccine propaganda. The Republican/Fox disinformation campaign on COVID vaccines doesn’t even make sense from their point of view, being that they are killing their own voters/viewers. Republican voters and Fox viewers are generally older, and would benefit most from the protection of a vaccine. What would motivate such an unproductive strategy of disinformation about a life-saving and liberating medicine? Oh, yeah… TV ratings and a perceived primary election advantage. Screw their health, as long as most live long enough to vote for you or boost Nielsen ratings. Anti-vaxxers like to imagine that people like Dr Fauci are getting rich off the vaccines, although he is not invested in them, nor in the drug companies making them. All the while, they ignore the fact that their media darlings are making whole careers out of stoking vaccine fears, as well as promoting the big “stolen election” lie. Bow-tied fibber Tucker Carlson would probably see his ratings take a huge dive if he were suddenly to fess up about getting the vaccine himself. It’s sad that so many people continue to get sick, many dying, from a perfectly preventable disease. But sadder still is the potential they are creating for another nationwide spike and another round of shutdowns, sickness and death for all of us. The fact is that the longer the virus is allowed to proliferate and the more widespread it becomes, the higher the chances that still more variants will evolve, with strains that could potentially make the vaccines useless. Then we’d really be screwed. These anti-science types are happy to indulge in science-based advances when it suits them, but remain paranoid about vaccines because they’d rather get information from the real “fake news” media (Fox, OAN, right-wing radio) and the proliferating internet troll industry, rather than to seek the truth from sources that have been proven correct time and time again. Some people seem unable to end abusive relationships, even if they’re killing them, I guess.

Brittany Spears is just the most famous victim of a bad law...

and an unjust system.

– James Israel, Editor Meanwhile, as always, we remind you that we need your support. As a small publication in a challenging economy, we face a perpetual battle to survive. Please consider giving subscriptions, donating and/or becoming an ongoing patron at www.patreon.com/humortimes. Check out our website at www.humortimes.com as well as our subscription subdomain, subs.humortimes.com, and please share them widely, using the share buttons provided. Help spread the word that there is an alternative out there to boring news coverage! Our many talented cartoonists and writers make us the “World’s Funniest News Source,” and we’re mighty proud of it. Make America Grin Again, with the Humor Times! Thank you!

NOTE TO SUBSCRIBERS: First of all, thank you so much for subscribing to the Humor Times! You keep us going. Secondly, if you subscribed through an online magazine agent, please do us a favor and subscribe directly with us at https://subs.humortimes.com! For example, if you subscribed through an agency such as magazines.com, we have to share your subscription fee with them, while our mailing and printing costs remain the same. So it would help us quite a bit if you instead renewed directly with us. To check your account type, look at the address label on the back cover. After your name, you will see two numbers: one beginning with “S” and one with “D”. “S” is your account number, and it has a dash and another letter after the number. That denotes Direct (“D”) or Agent (“A”). If it’s “A”, you subscribed through an agent. Please get in touch with the company you used, and tell them you do not wish to auto-renew. (You will still get all the issues you paid for.) Then, be sure to contact us (see below) to let us know, as we’ll need to send you direct renewal reminders when it’s time. The price is the same if you choose to auto-renew with us (as you likely are with them). By the way, the other number on the label, starting with “D”, is the issue due number – the issue with which your subscription comes due.The current issue number is on the front cover, upper left. Thanks again!

If you’re looking for incompetence, you don’t have to go far.

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 30, Issue 352, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”) Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Subscriptions: http://subs.humortimes.com. Website: www.humortimes.com. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Galt, CA 95632. Contributors: Nick Anderson, Ruben Bolling, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Ken Catalino, Diane de Anda, John Deering, Michael Egan, Roger Freed, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Andy Marlette, David Martin, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Dan Wasserman & others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times (formerly the Comic Press News) is printed on recycled paper, using at least 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2021. No part may be reproduced without permission.

$4 • SAVE $4 or more by ordering your subscription online at subs.humortimes.com! • $4

ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!!

And what kind of lessons are we teaching the kids?

Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ How did you discover us? _________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $26.95 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $53.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $50.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $82.95 Trial Sub (3 issues) . . . . . $8.95 12 issues/PDF download. . . . . $9.95 Please Check if RENEWAL. Subscriber # (on label, starts w/‘S’): __________ Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________ Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a

Or use your: p Discover

p Visa

p Mastercard

p American Express

Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)

Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________ (OR include all this info on a sheet of paper. Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-758-8255.)

August, 2021

HUMOR TIMES

3


Too Hot to Handle Making up your own reality only works...

until it doesn’t.

Like it or not, things are changing...

4

to the point where we can barely stand it.

It means increased danger for most...

and a temporary reprieve for a few.

It’s way past time to face reality...

and do something.

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2021


Critics Who Know Nothing of the Theory It’s the same old playbook...

applied with a big dose of ignorance.

They’re trying to “cancel” free speech and education...

but even kids know better.

By outlawing the truth...

they hope to return to the “good ol’ days.”

Meanwhile, the arc of justice is still bending, albeit slowly...

August, 2021

HUMOR TIMES

and some can’t stand it.

5


The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Former President Donald Trump

The Poetry and Writings of an Outsider Kirk Andersen “The inside story of America!” Available on Amazon, Books-a-Million, and Barnes and Noble.

WWW.EDITORIALANDPOLITICALCARTOONS.COM

Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without…Give the HUMOR TIMES!

6

By Dean Kaner Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former president Donald Trump. ANNOUNCER ROD SERLING: Former President Donald Trump will soon find out that his life doesn’t exist any longer at Mar-a-Lago. Rather a middle ground between light and shadow. Between science and superstition. And it lies between the pit of man’s fears and summit of his knowledge. This is an area we call, The Jerry Duncan Show. JERRY: Good morning, Trumpster. Can I get you a Big Mac or KFC? Trump squirms for an interview. DONALD TRUMP: I’ll have both, Duncan. Oh, throw in a large fries, slaw and 4 biscuits. JERRY: You’ll be packing on more pounds. TRUMP: Every time someone calls me fat, I get so depressed that I cut myself a piece of pie. JERRY: You’re on a speaking tour to reinforce your baseless claim that the election was rigged. Do you really believe you are still the President? TRUMP: Of course, I am. Dead people voted for Joe Biden. I had 200 million votes. JERRY: But there are only 133 million registered voters. TRUMP: Fake news. You forgot to add Russians. It’s all on Fox News. JERRY: I don’t watch Fox for the same reason I don’t eat out of a toilet. TRUMP: I can’t sleep. I hear voices in my head. Do you realize that Donald J. Trump resurrected Sleepy Joe from the dead? JERRY: Trumpster. You can’t be hearing voices. You have no brain. JERRY: There are 15 tax fraud schemes against the Trump Organization during the past 16 years. Your CFO Allen Weisselberg is charged with grand larceny, criminal tax fraud, and falsifying business records. Do you have anything to say? TRUMP: Who is Allen Weisselberg? Never heard of the guy. I got more important things to worry about. Illegals are coming over the border in swarms. My businesses are in the crapper. I’m trying to deport Melania and her parents. Ivanka isn’t hot anymore. JERRY: Hold those thoughts. I have Joe Biden on the line. JOE BIDEN: C’mon, man. Let me talk to that clown. JERRY: (all three are on the line) Okay, fellas. Go at it. BIDEN: Trump. You left me with a migrant problem at the southern border. You told those people that they could each own a Taco Bell. The best I could offer was a bean burrito. Gas prices are so high, we can’t drive them back home. TRUMP: I got gas for $1. Damn bean burrito! BIDEN: When you were Pres i dent, the coronavirus was out of control. You did nothing to get shots in the arms of Americans. Within 6 months of my presidency, 66% of the country is vaccinated. I saved thousands of lives. TRUMP: I’m the hero of the pandemic. I ordered Operation Warp Speed. BIDEN: The only thing warped is your mind. You’re the idiot who confused your proctologist by putting rubber gloves on at the same time as him. TRUMP: Professional courtesy, Sleepy. BIDEN: Knock, knock, Trumpster. TRUMP: Who’s there? BIDEN: Annie. TRUMP: Annie who? BIDEN: Annie thing you can do, I can do better. JERRY: President Biden. Why have you been so successful since being in office? BIDEN: I am fighting for the middle of the road, a little toad. I mean a commode. Bottom line, I make a helluva Vice President. JERRY: You’re the President. BIDEN: Smart aleck. Trying to get a cheap laugh at my expense. JERRY: No. It’s the truth. BIDEN: Can I call a lifeline? TRUMP: I’m the real President. Will be running the White House in August. I’m a very stable genius. Help! Help me!! ANNOUNCER ROD SERLING: Donald Trump, age 75, a loser, liar and cheat. Successful in nothing except in the one effort that a few men try at some time in their lives—dating Stormy Daniels. And perhaps across his empty mind, there will flit, a little errant wish. That a man might not have to become old. Never outgrow the parks and the merry-go-rounds of his youth, where his parents tried to abandon him under an old oak tree. And Donald will smile, because he’ll know it is just an errant wish. Some wisp of memory, not too important re ally. Some laughing ghosts that cross a man’s mind, on The Jerry Duncan Show. Watch “A Bit of Biden” every Monday, Wednes day and Fri day on Instagram @abitofbiden The Jerry Duncan Show (c) Dean B. Kaner

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2021


Cuba

Space Cases The Cuban people are rising up...

Space travel is becoming just another big-ticket item...

but the U.S. is not stepping up. to help the out-of-touch get more so.

We should not hesitate... Maybe it would be good for them all to live on the moon...

to support democracy everywhere.

August, 2021

and take their garbage with them.

HUMOR TIMES

7


Mind of Their Own Health care workers were honored in New York...

Thank the former prez for the vaccines, say his supporters...

while they avoid it like the plague. (Or a pandemic?)

It’s time for eternal vigilance, they say...

and they won’t be told what to do.

It’s the same old, sad song...

8

but essential workers not so much.

so maybe it’s time to try something different. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2021


Lessons Never Learned They’ve brought their fate upon themselves...

20 years, and nothing to show...

but we couldn’t hold out forever. which is sad, but inevitable...

The worst part is letting people down who helped us...

but their obstinance could screw it up for all of us.

but there were no good choices left.

Meanwhile, folks deal with it as best they can.

August, 2021

HUMOR TIMES

9


Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

by Jon Carter


Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

by Jon Carter


‘We Report, You Decry!’ Shirtless, Overall-Clad Arkansas Secretary of Health Claims Covid Under Control in State Says he “ain’t worried none” about Covid in the state. By J Crock

Arkansas Secretary of Health.

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

In Historic Deal, US to Allow Donald Trump to Preside as ‘Alt-President’ Alternative elections to be held on the Tuesday after regular elections; Alt-Prez gets own Alt-Twitter account. Exclusive Report by James Israel In a historic agreement between the federal govern ment, the Federal Elec tion Commission and Donald J Trump, a new shadow government will be set up with Trump presiding as the “Alt-President” from the “South ern White House” at Mar-a-Lago. The shadow government will have its own, totally not-fake elections, run by the Cyber Ninjas. “That’s how we’ll know it’s real,” said Ivanka Trump, the new Alt-President’s Alt-Chief of Staff. “With the Cyber Ninjas in charge, we can totally forget about the fake elections and concentrate on our own.” The entire Trump family will serve as Donald Trump’s Alternative Cabinet, and can pass all the “alt-laws” they want, without the bother of a congress to deal with. Fox News has agreed to create an Alternative News division, complete with its own “alternative facts” and Kellyanne Conway in charge – joined by OAN, long known for being an alternative to reality. “Finally,” said Ms Conway, “we can have

Trump to “govern-while-golfing” at Mar-a-Lago.

our very own facts! It’s all I ever really wanted. Ya’all can have your fake news, we’ve got our world now.” “And that’s a fact,” she added, “alternatively speaking.” The FEC agreed to the shadow government elections on one condition: anyone voting in them cannot vote in the “fake elections” that they will continue to administer. Also, all new election laws being passed in state governments

Man Dies of Covid 19 Vaccine Overdose By Ted Hol land, Dis patches from SNN (Slobovian News Network) SNN med i cal cor re spon dent Dr. Anna Phylaxis reports that someone has died from a COVID 19 vaccine overdose.

order to be entered in the Covid vaccine lottery LITTLE ROCK — Despite an alarmas many times as possible. ing resurgence of Covid-19 in the state, Mr. Squirrelltitz, an unemployed sheep dipa shirtless, overall-clad Arkansas Secper, took 12 doses of the Moderna vaccine,15 retary of Health today assured residoses of the Johnson and Johnson, and 10 doses dents the virus was under control. of the Pfizer vaccine within “We ain’t worried ‘bout it none,” said 36 hours. Dr. Krenshaw Pickens, before spitting In order to avoid detection, into a large metal bucket and drinking a h e u s e d s u c h a l ia s e s a s yellowish-green liquid from a mason jar. Humphrey, Bo gart, Dick “I reckon folk’ll be just fine if they Tracy, Cisco Kidd, Elvis Presheed a hardy breakfast and take to an ley and Celine Dionne. early slumber,” said the state’s highest Dr. Phylaxis stated that Mr. ranking health official while chewing on Squirelltitz’ death was caused what appeared to be a cattail stem. by infighting between the anWhen presented with the rising rates tibodies of the various vacof in fec tion over the past month, cines. The M oder na Pickens dismissed the statistics as “city antibodies were not compatitalk” and went on to explain that Arkanble with the John son and sas had a vast array of “tonics and elixJohnson antibodies and began irs” to help treat the deadly vi rus fight ing over the pa tient’s rampaging through the state. body temperature. The Pfizer T he press con fer ence ended antibodies then refused to let abruptly when the Secretary ran off to Mr. Squirrelltitz posing as Elvis Presley. Photo by Don Gunn, flickr.com. the others into the patient’s help corral some loose cattle that had spleen and an other bat tle Frumppo Squirelltitz, a 43-year-old wondered in from old man Higgins’ Schnotelvakian national, living in the state of broke out. With his body in tur moil, Mr. ranch across the way. North Carolina on a mauve card (could not get a Squirelltitz drank a mixture of Everclear and green card) took 37 doses of various vaccines in Kool Aid. The alcohol drove the antibodies crazy the fighting amplified until Mr. Squirelltitz’ body exploded. Dr. Phylaxis stated that it will take at least 18 Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to months to superglue the body pieces together to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and get an official autopsy. jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

by the GOP this year will apply only to the new alternative elections. “After all, why bother with fake elections now that they have the real thing?” said the FEC Chair. “With the Cyber Ninjas in charge, what could go wrong? It may take months to complete, but results are guaranteed to be bamboo-free.” “I’m happy for Donald,” said (fake) President Joseph Biden in a statement released today. “He gets to play president on TV again, tweet all he wants on his new Alt-Twitter account, and golf to his heart’s content. I wish him all the best, and encourage all Republicans to vote in the alternative elections. Remember, it’s the Tuesday AFTER the regular elections!” In the event Donald Trump gets sent to prison for any of his many crimes, as seems likely, he will be allowed to run his shadow government from there. The entire Trump crime family can join him, continuing as his cabinet. Voters are encouraged to stick with him, though potential prison terms could be quite long.

Intergalactic Plot to Kidnap Billionaires During Space Flights Unearthed By Ted Hol land, Dis patches from SNN (Slobovian News Network) According to high ranking officials at the U.P.Y.O.U.R.S. (The Universal Intergalactic Law En force ment Con ven tion) Showaddy Woppe, former member of The Slobovian Secret Service and self-proclaimed “Universe’s greatest interplanetary private eye,” has uncovered a nefarious scheme to kidnap Earth billionaires Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos during their much-her alded space flights in the near-future.

Ripping the Headlines Today

Why Ashton Kutcher sold his ticket to space after talking with Mila Kunis Five words… That 70’s Show: The Reunion. Coke planning major makeover for Coke Zero Es pe cially con sid er ing that Zero stands for its approx i mate num ber of sales. Donald Trump reportedly fed up with ‘annoying’ Kimberly Guilfoyle … proving even a broken clock is right twice a day. Hunter Biden’s art to sell as high as $500K and the buyers will be kept ‘confidential’ Hunter Biden is the Billy Carter of Roger Clintons. California taco restaurant posted a sign blaming government handouts for slow service and a staff shortage … but took full credit for the speed the food goes through you!

People say Blazing Saddles couldn’t be made today Duh, Cleavon Little and Gene Wilder are dead. Happy 79th Birthday, Harrison Ford A man who never has to worry about being celibate because he’ll always be Hans Solo! Team Trump just launched a new social media platform: GETTR Although it’s more like GRIFTR. Norwegian Cruise Line sues Florida Surgeon General over vaccine passport ban They would’ve done it sooner, but it took a while to find someone to hold their place in the buffet line. CNN is reporting that Manhattan Prosecutors are trying to work on cooperating with Matthew Calamari in the Trump Organization case … if they offer a deal is that a squid pro quo?

Too much Southern food can cause a sudden heart attack That’s really deep…. Fried.

Did you know that in Canada, legally, you can be married by a hockey ref? And, get penalized for high sticking on your honeymoon.

Trump arena tour with Bill O’Reilly bombs as thousands of tickets remain They might as well just re name it the ‘Lollapalloser Tour.’

Russian state hackers breached Republican National Committee … so, nobody wanted to wake up Putin to get the password? …

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

12

Surgeon General’s Warning: ‘Humor Times’ Habit-Forming The U.S. Surgeon General warned citizens about a national humor magazine called the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter – upsetting the habitually pessimistic and people with weaker stomachs. “Sure, we all like to laugh,” the of ficial said, “b ut at w h a t price? Sudden guffaws c a n d i sturb those n e a r b y. Te a r s o f Recent cover of the Humor Times. laughter can blur your vision. And smiling can tire your facial muscles.” “We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’” he went on, “but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America.” (Ed. note: A subscription form can be found on page 3 – use at your own risk!)

HUMOR TIMES

The Virgin Galactic and Blue Origin seem to have been spared from the intergalactic plot for now.

Accord ing to U.P.Y.O.U.R S. In spec tor Gitchohandof M’asse, the plot was discovered while Showaddy Woppe was investigating another plot by the mafia of the planet Zardoc to flood the Earth with counterfeit toilet paper. Documents show that the plan was hatched by a high ranking Zardocian mafia don known as Ratatangutangtang. Ratatangutangtang is believed to be responsible for such past Earth scams as Health Insurance and the Better Business Bureau, and there is a theory that he was the Earth father of Jesse James and Al Capone. The plan to kidnap the Earth’s wealthiest men hinged on the Zardocian mafia’s ability to steal a GBXZ#$% from the Planet Gazintoo’s Space force. Apparently, that hasn’t been accomplished yet, thus Branson and Bezos were able to avoid this frightening fate on their initial flights. However, they are expected to fly again, and this time, the Zardocians will be ready, promise the shadowy aliens. The kidnapping unit they plan to use is basically a giant pooper-scooper which would simply swipe the billionaires’ capsules from space. The billionaires would be held for ransom, but that raises another mystery. According to interplanetary banking sources, there is no use for Earth money on the planet Zardoc. The ransom would have to be laundered through another Earth country. In related news, there have been unconfirmed reports that Ratatangutangtang has been seen in the company of Vladimir Putin’s sister.

August, 2021


If You Can’t Beat ’em, Cheat ’em Mitch McConnell is old school...

relying on the tried and true tactics of yesteryear.

Never mind that it’s immoral and anti-democratic...

it’s all they know.

When disenfranchising millions, you need help from on high...

They just need to keep their base in line...

August, 2021

and some reliable funding.

and hope certain Dems never open their eyes.

HUMOR TIMES

13


Minority Report The minority party needs a cure...

or at least a separation.

Nothing can hide the awful truth...

14

of rampant corruption...

and sick sycophancy.

As the old ones die off...

and the current crop bumbles onward...

they don’t even try to hide the hypocrisy.

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2021


Chosen One He pines for the old days...

but still finds ways to make the news.

His top money man has been exposed...

and his former lawyer is feeling the heat...

and misses the limelight.

Now others are trying to out-Trump the master...

but he’s the chosen one...

August, 2021

as everyone will soon see.

HUMOR TIMES

15


The Hightower Lowdown

Majority Report

Vandals Took the Handles: Who Controls Our Water? Dems have one intractable problem...

and many unforced errors to overcome.

Biden’s Attorney General can’t see the obvious...

“The pump don’t work ’cause the vandals took the handles.” Thus sang Bob Dylan in 1965, and we can now clearly see those vandals: In addition to polluting corporations, they’re the national, state and local officials who have routinely failed over the years to prevent the waste and defilement of our water supply while also failing to budget for even minimal upkeep and modernization of water delivery. As a result, the system is badly broken. Federal funding for our water systems has plummeted 77% since its peak under former President Jimmy Carter. At the same time, the need for more national investment has dramatically increased: The U.S. population has surged by 110 million; aging water infrastructure is outdated and breaking down; state and local politicians have ignored problems (replacing an old pipe is not a prized photo-op); and necessary upgrades to cope with new contaminants and extreme weather events have gone unfunded by politicians catering to pro-corporate fi nan cial interests and anti-government ideologues. So, here we sit, a nation of unsurpassed prosperity using duct tape and political hype to cover up the fact that our drinking water system is so dilapidated that it received a sorry C-minus grade from the quadrennial evaluation by the American Society of Civil Engineers. Worse, the wastewater component of the system (mile after mile of underground sewage pipes and nearly 16,000 treatment plants) scores a D-plus, with a majority of the waste plants nearing the end of their 45- to 50-year life spans. The overall system is so fragile that a water main breaks somewhere in America every two minutes, and it’s so permeated with leaks that utilities lose 6 billion gallons of drinking water every day. And then there’s the ris ing cri sis of affordability. With federal funding cut to a dribble, utilities have tried to fill in with constant hikes in water bills. Our average monthly rate has jumped more than a third since 2012, and analysts estimate that within three years, up to 36% of households won’t be able to afford drinking water. Even with rising fees, utilities themselves are struggling. The American Water Works Association reports that income fully covers costs in only one in five systems, and four out of five large utilities expect they will not be able to provide full service five years from now. Billions of years ago, when some squirmy form of early “us” crawled out of the sea, they brought along the need for that basic ingredient. Human bodies are 60% water, and most of earth’s surface is not earth at all — 71% is covered in seas, rivers, lakes, bayous, etc. There is

JIM HIGHTOWER no “us” unless each of us gets a constant intake of reasonably clean water. If you don’t … you die, usually within three days. Thus, managing this precious natural resource is a deeply moral responsibility. While our globe has an abundance of the wet stuff, 96.5% is undrinkable salt water. Of the potable 3.5%, more than half is locked in ice at the polar caps or so deep underground it’s unavailable. Still, we do have enough water to meet the needs of all – if conserved and fairly distributed. Sadly, most countries do a piss-poor job of fulfilling their moral responsibility — especially the U.S., given our resources, abilities, and egalitarian pretensions. The good news is that the U.S. public is not only increasingly aware of the inexcusable inadequacies and inequalities in our water system but also increasingly outraged. As Sen. Bernie Sanders put it in February when introducing a major water justice bill: “It is beyond belief that in 2021, American kids are being poisoned by tap water.” Wall Street’s sharks smell money in the water. In fact, they are out to privatize, commodify and “profitize” (own) our water. Of course, with ownership comes control, both of water’s use and price. Unsurprisingly, the two core precepts of these Wall Street profiteers are: Water is greatly underpriced, so let’s make it more expensive for all users, including us common drinkers; and water must flow to its “highest use” (i.e., highest bidders), so its allocation should not pri or i tize non in dus trial farms, lower-income communities or even general public use — but rather advantage high-tech facilities, upscale suburban developments and high-dollar businesses willing to pay the most. More alarming, Wall Street is busy creating complex new financial gimmicks to allow speculators to dominate global water markets. Meanwhile, they’re recycling the same gobbledygook about risk management that Enron deployed in the 1990s, even though that scandalous power play for energy markets led to massive corruption, job losses, waves of bankruptcies, and rip-offs of customers and shareholders. For a splash course on water issues, look up “H2Equity: Rebuilding a Fair System of Water Services for America” from the Environmental Policy Innovation Center.

and Justice Breyer says phooey to any replacement.

16

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2021


Logging Out

Sports Corner

The threats are everywhere…

Baseball is dealing with a sticky subject...

but can be hard to trace.

and now the NCAA will have to deal with their own.

There’s a beast on the loose that can’t be reined in...

The Olympics will look very different this year...

and needs to rethink what a “performance enhancing” drug is. so we’ll all have to become more discerning.

August, 2021

HUMOR TIMES

17


Miscellaneous Mischief

18

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2021


August, 2021

HUMOR TIMES

19


Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care. Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment. Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry • Surgically Clean Air Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing. Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.


The adventures of Steven Harris in the afterlife are now compiled in one edition, collecting the entire run of the hilarious alternativenewspaper comic strip. Available at barnesandnoble.com

POLITICAL HUMOR Is Serious Business! ®

Help Save America’s Soul by Giving Subscriptions!

News, the fun way!

Don’t cry about the news, laugh about it, with the Humor Times! Order online for up to $4 off! Or use the handy coupon on page 3 (or write the recipients’ names and addresses clearly on a piece of paper), include a check or money order for $26.95 per subscription (or just $9.95 for the downloadable PDF edition), payable to the Humor Times, and mail to:

Humor Times • P. O. Box 162429 Sacramento, CA 95816 • HumorTimes.com

California Stage Theater Creations presents Concerts in the Courtyard Continuing through Sept. 11th! Aug. 21st: Lisa Phenix Band. Enjoy the rockin’ blues of Lisa Phenix, playing “homegrown mating music.” Lisa’s musical influences touch upon folk, blues and jazz. And, if you’re in town for Labor Day weekend, you won’t want to miss all the fun we’ll be having: Sept. 4th: Jammin’ James and the Wing Women. More info & tickets: CalStage.org.

Advertise in the

20 % OFF

when you menti on this ad!

Call 916-758-8255 or email info@humortimes.com for more information.

First Stop, Second Saturday Live Music and Art, continues through October! FREE, from 4-7 PM.

In the R25 Arts Complex, 25th & R St, Midtown • Free parking Reservations & Info: CalStage.org


Turn static files into dynamic content formats.

Create a flipbook
Issuu converts static files into: digital portfolios, online yearbooks, online catalogs, digital photo albums and more. Sign up and create your flipbook.