“What’s funny is that behavior we wouldn’t tolerate in the classroom is now happening in the board room.” – Dax Gonzalez, Texas Association of School Boards Issue #355
November, 2021
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Editor’s Letter Cracks in the “Seditionist Coalition” are beginning to show, finally. Candidates like Herschel Walker in Georgia and Glenn Youngkin in Virginia are openly defying Trump and running on their own. Americans of conscience should continue to do all they can to widen these cracks and help close this terrible chapter of our country’s history. Real conservatives (not the fake MAGA cult kind) should lead the effort, because it is they, and only they, who can save their party. Otherwise, it will continue its slide into authoritarianism, so afraid of losing elections that it will pass laws restricting the right to vote, instead of expanding it, and laws that allow the party at the state level to overthrow presidential elections. Many Republicans on the national stage are stepping up. Of course, there’s been the ongoing effort by the Lincoln Project (lincolnproject.us), since even before the last election, with such prominent Republicans (many former, since they couldn’t stand to be associated with insurrectionists anymore) as: • Steve Schmidt, former campaign strategist for John McCain, Arnold Schwarzenegger and George W. Bush. • Rick Wilson, campaign strategist for the senior George H.W. Bush and many others, and author of Everything Trump Touches Dies and Running Against The Devil. • Reed Galen, who worked on the campaigns of McCain, Schwarzenegger and G.W. Bush. • Stuart Stevens, author of eight books, including his latest, It Was All A Lie: How The Republican Party Became Donald Trump • Also on the board are Tara Setmayer, Jeff Timmer, Joe Trippi and Fred Wellman. For the sake of democracy itself, the Republican party must be either be reconfigured through transformational change or replaced altogether. It may be unsalvageable at this point, due to its slavish enthralment to cult leader and professional con man, Donald J. Trump. Real conservatives recognize this. The country needs you now. Speak out! Longtime readers of this publication will remember when, though we’ve always leaned left, we used to satirize the Democratic Party as much as its counterpart (think the Clinton years, for example). But when one side goes so far off the deep end that it threatens small-d democratic elections and thus our small-r republic, we can no longer pretend they deserve equal treatment. Until or unless this changes, we will unabashedly be pro-America by being pro-progressive. – James Israel, Editor P.S. Meanwhile, as always, we remind you that we need your support. As a small publication in a challenging economy, we face a perpetual battle to survive. Please support our business sponsors by responding to their ads, and consider giving subscriptions, donating or becoming an ongoing patron at www.patreon.com/humortimes. Thanks! Check out our website at www.humortimes.com as well as our subscription subdomain, subs.humortimes.com, and please share them widely, using the share buttons provided. Help spread the word that there is an alternative out there to boring news coverage! Our many talented cartoonists and writers make us the “World’s Funniest News Source,” and we’re mighty proud of it. Make America Grin Again, with the Humor Times! Thank you! NOTE TO SUBSCRIBERS: First of all, thank you so much for subscribing to the Humor Times! You keep us going. Secondly, if you subscribed through an online magazine agent, please do us a favor and subscribe directly with us at https://subs.humortimes.com! For example, if you subscribed through an agency such as magazines.com, we have to share your subscription fee with them, while our mailing and printing costs remain the same. So it would help us quite a bit if you instead renewed directly with us. To check your account type, look at the address label on the back cover. After your name, you will see two numbers: one beginning with “S” and one with “D”. “S” is your account number, and it has a dash and another letter after the number. That denotes Direct (“D”) or Agent (“A”). If it’s “A”, you subscribed through an agent. Please get in touch with the company you used, and tell them you do not wish to auto-renew. (You will still get all the issues you paid for.) Then, be sure to contact us (see below) to let us know, as we’ll need to send you direct renewal reminders when it’s time. The price is the same if you choose to auto-renew with us (as you likely are with them). By the way, the other number on the label, starting with “D”, is the issue due number – the issue with which your subscription comes due.The current issue number is on the front cover, upper left. Thanks again!
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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 30, Issue 355, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”) Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Subscriptions: http://subs.humortimes.com. Website: www.humortimes.com. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Galt, CA 95632. Contributors: Nick Anderson, Ruben Bolling, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Ken Catalino, Diane de Anda, John Deering, Michael Egan, Roger Freed, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Andy Marlette, David Martin, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Dan Wasserman & others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times (formerly the Comic Press News) is printed on recycled paper, using at least 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2021. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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November, 2021
HUMOR TIMES
3
It’s Default of de Other Guys The Senate Minority Leader donned his thinking cap...
with an explosive plan that could not fail.
It was diabolically delicious in its depravity...
and the best part was who would take the blame.
McConnell is the top man...
yet he was surprised when it almost worked.
4
and swung into action...
But sensible Americans see right through it all.
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2021
Chain Reaction CEOs just can’t understand...
why workers are not excited about returning to low-wage jobs.
But a lot of factors are at play...
and the burden on workers is heavy.
A disrupted supply chain has the world in a bind...
and as we try to keep it together...
inflation looms...
causing prices to rise.
November, 2021
HUMOR TIMES
5
The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Jen Psaki, White House Press Secretary By Dean Kaner Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Jen Psaki, White House Press Secretary. ANNOUNCER: Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show. JERRY DUNCAN: Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Jen Psaki, White House Press Secretary. JERRY: Good morning, Jen. JEN PSAKI: Good to be here. Oops. I misspoke. JERRY: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, Ginger. JEN: Sorry. JERRY: Hey. What do you call a redhead that goes off the deep end? JEN: I don’t know. JERRY: A ginger snap. JEN: Do you know why I’m here? JERRY: You like being insulted? JEN: No. President Biden wants me to show your audience highlights of his advice for how
to deal with life called A Bit of Biden. JERRY: How about get ting a pet? My mother is up for adoption. JEN: Roll the tape, Jerry. JERRY: Here we go, Jen. A montage of taped anecdotes. BIDEN #1: A wedding is a ceremony where two people are united in marriage. Wedding traditions and customs vary greatly between cultures, ethnic groups, religions, countries, and social classes. Do you know cannibals do a rehearsal dinner? They “toast” the bride and groom. I’m serious, folks. BIDEN #2: Folks. A handyman is a person skilled at a wide range of repairs. Typically, around the home. Sometimes the job is described as side work or odd jobs. Everything from fixing a leaky toilet to changing a fixture. My handyman called the other day. He said, “Joe. When should I come to fix the hinges?” I said, “Anytime. The door is always open.” BIDEN #3: A teacher is a person who helps students obtain knowledge, competence, and virtue. My wife Jill is a teacher. Man, I wish my
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teachers were that hot when I was a kid. I remember in sec ond grade when my teacher called on my friend Teddy. She said, “If I have 5 bottles on one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?” He re plied, “A drinking problem.” I’m serious, folks. BIDEN #4: Here’s the deal. Studies have shown that taking time away from the job can have physical and mental health benefits. People who take vacations Jen Psaki, Press Secretary. U.S. Dept of State photo, Public Domain. have lower stress, less risk signatures are on the Declaration. Folks like of heart disease, a better outlook on life, and Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock, Alexander more motivation to achieve goals. Snowbirds Hamilton, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Samuel Adtravel to Florida in the winter to play golf and ams. By the way, that Adams fella makes a helltennis. Arizonans beat the summer heat and go uva beer. C’mon man, have fun. Go celebrate to the beach in California. And me? Jill and I go the 4th with a 5th. to our beach house in Delaware. I enjoy bicycle riding and “happy hour” afterwards. But it’s not BIDEN #6: Memory is the faculty of the what you think, folks. When you get to be my brain in which data or information is stored or age, “happy hour” is a nap. I got to give props to retrieved when needed. My favorite childhood Rip Van Winkle. memory was building sandcastles at the beach with my grandmother. Such a beautiful experiBIDEN #5: July 4th is Independence Day. ence. That is until my mom took the urn from The annual celebration of nationhood. It comme. I’m serious, folks. memorates the adoption of Independence by the Continental Congress on July 4th, 1776. 56 BIDEN #7: Folks. A personal trainer is an individual who has earned a certification that demonstrates they have achieved a level of competency for creating and delivering safe and effective exercise programs. For example: movement, flexibility, balance, and muscular fitness. The other day, I asked my personal trainer if he could teach me the splits. “How flexible are you?” He asked. I s a i d , “A n y d a y s e x c e p t Wednesday and Friday.” JEN: That’s all I got, Jerry. JERRY: All good, but here’s one Joe missed. Remember the inspiring words of President Abraham Lincoln who said to his servant, “Stop tap dancing and give me back my top hat.” JERRY: See you tomorrow. The Jerry Duncan Show, (c) Dean B. Kaner
Republican State Parties Passing Anti-Democracy Laws Republican lawmakers this year passed an un prec edented bevy of bills targeting the authority of state and local election officials, a power grab that might allow partisan legislators to overturn future election results by claiming there was fraud. GOP legislators have enacted new laws that empower state officials to take control of county election boards, strip secretaries of state of their executive authority, or make local election officials criminally or financially liable for even technical errors, according to Pro tect De moc racy, a Washington, D.C.-based voting rights nonprofit. Sec re tar ies of state and c o u n t y e l e c t i o n o ff i c i a l s around the country, many of them Re pub li can, re sisted pressure from former President Donald Trump and his allies to decertify the November 2020 results and reject huge swaths of mail-in ballots to turn the presidential election in his favor. Eight months later, there is grow ing con cern among those officials that these new laws may cut a path for successful efforts in the future. Democratic Colorado Secretary of State Jena Griswold said, “This is a breakdown of what it means to live in the United States. It’s an attack on the democracy. It’s an attack on the idea that Americans get to choose their elected officials.” – Associated Press, July 28, 2021
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HUMOR TIMES
November, 2021
Coal in Their Stockings (and Their Portfolios) The prez is between a rock and a hot place...
and it ain’t easy getting through...
when people are preoccupied.
Manchin and Sinema don’t really fit in...
having other priorities.
They are not negotiating in good faith...
and are holding their cards close to the vest...
November, 2021
with a stinky trump card up their sleeve.
HUMOR TIMES
7
Destroying Democracy to Save It They see themselves as the good guys...
but their logic is a bit twisted.
Even though the first attempt bit ’em in the AZ...
they all slavishly follow the Dear Leader’s wishes.
They’re leading the base while pretending to follow it...
The whole party seems to be running on the Big Lie...
8
down a very dark road.
and now only the opposition can save us (or not).
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2021
Information You Can Abuse Zuckerberg is a capitalist, after all...
and understands how to play the game.
People just want to connect...
but social media does so much more.
It’s oh so educational...
and convenient.
For a brief moment the veil was lifted...
November, 2021
but soon all was back to “normal.”
HUMOR TIMES
9
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
‘We Report, You Decry!’ Report: ‘Intestinal Poison Ivy’ Epidemic Caused by Veggie Burgers By Ted Holland, Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network) The recently published issue of the highly-re garded Slobovian Jour nal of Medicine reports that Slobovia has been overrun with an epidemic of “Intestinal Poison Ivy.” The cause is reported to be a shipment of plant-based burgers imported from the United States.
Dr. Anna Phylaxis, chief medical officer of the University of Stanke Medicine Center and Circusse, reports that doctors and hospitals have treated over 23,700 cases of the affliction. She describes the disease as beginning with simple vomiting and itchy diarrhea, followed by a horrific internal itching that makes one want to scratch their guts out. According to Ygor Pussifootski, head of the Slobovian Department of Vagueness and Anti-Transparency, the product was imported from the U.S. because making meat products from plants is illegal in Slobovia, in that it violates Slobovian “Anti-BullSchitte” codes. The burgers in question were manufac tured by H.M. Chitlin & Sons of HotDamn in Arkansas, and are made from green vegetables such as collards, turnips, mustard greens, Polk salad, kale, cabbage and Woohoo. Company spokeswoman Lil Chitlin admits that it is possible that poison ivy could have been mistakenly harvested with the other greens. According to Dr. Anna Phylaxis, the malady lasts about eight days. The only cure appears to be for the patient to consume about two boxes of baking soda a day and drink Calamine lotion smoothies.
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Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Satan Expels Souls from Hell for Mask Wearing By Ted Hol land, Dis patches from SNN (Slobovian News Network) Apparently the Covid 19 “mask or no mask” controversy has reached the far extremes of the universe. According the SNN resident witch doctoress, craposcientist and Goozokoo-ologist Dr. Sweet Mama DoRite, who is one of the few journalist allowed into the underworld, the Devil recently expelled several souls from hell for wearing masks. wearing masks from hellAccording to Dr. DoRite, the Devil explained in a recent interview that, “Wearing a mask is a sign of goodness… this is hell and hell is about the worst and nothing less than the worst will be tolerated.” When asked what may have become of the expelled souls, the Devil explained, “They don’t qualify for that other place Heaven, or even Purgatory, and the Pope closed Limbo.”
There are rumors, however, that they acquired bodies and were hiding under a bridge in Del Rio, Texas. Dr. DoRite listed sev eral other points gleaned from her recent trip to Hell: • Due to global warming, ice hockey will no
Trump Offers Free Poverty Management Advice
Peter Doocy and Jen Psaki Announce Their Engagement at White House Press Briefing
By Ted Holland Former president Donald Trump said he wants to help average Americans, since they will be caught between a gigantic leap in inflation and impending high tax increases from the Biden Administration. For this reason, he says, he’s offering his “Poverty Management” program.
Trump said that even his multi-billionaire friends can barely get by, having made only $1.8 trillion (with a ‘t’) since the start of the pandemic. “Thank good ness cash-strapped guys like Bezos manage to scrape up about $150,000 ev ery minute from his Ama zon stocks. And I don’t even like Bezos, but you get how hard it is on us rich guys.” He went on, “By next year there will be no more middle class, and even rich folks like me will be taxed into poverty! So I am forming the The American Poverty Management Foundation. The foundation will offer guidance on how to survive with little or no money.” Poverty Management will work on the same principles as Wealth Management except with no money: setting goals, diversification and risk management. Under the program, a person would set a goal such as “pay my rent.” Risk management would deal with the possibility that if you pay rent, you might not eat for two weeks. An example of diversification would be: say this week you buy Pinto beans and next week you buy Navy beans, since most of the country will be eating beans. The program suggests that you join The National Fatback Registry, The Hamhock of the Week Club or The Hogmaw of the Month Club. Dr. Pissen also stated that the Foundation will suggest that most Americans sell their houses, condos, etc, and move into low rent “comodiums.” A comodium is basically a bathroom with a stove and a bed.
Statement of Ownership, Management and Circulation: Humor Times; Publication Number 025-465; Filing Date 9/26/21; Issue Frequency: Once a month; No. of Issues Published Annually: 12; Annual Subscription Price: $26.95. Complete Mailing Address of Known Office of Publication (same as Headquarters, as well as Publisher, Editor, Managing Editor and Owner): PO Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816; Contact Person, Editor: James Israel; Telephone: 916-758-8255; Managing Editor, Owner, Publisher: James Israel; Known Bondholders, Mortgagees, and Other Security Holders: none; The purpose, function, and nonprofit status of this organization and the exempt status for federal income tax purposes: Has Not Changed During Preceding 12 Months; Issue Date for Circulation Data Below: Sept. 24, 2021; Extent and Nature of Circulation: General, 12x/year. Col. 1* Col. 2** a. Total Number of Copies (Net press run) .......................................................................................................1125 1100 b. Paid Circulation (1) Mailed Outside-County Paid Subscriptions Stated on PS Form 3541 ...................722 770 (By Mail & Outside (2) Mailed In-County Paid Subscriptions Stated on PS Form 3541 ..............................28 28 the Mail): (3) Paid Distribution Outside the Mails ............................................................................3 2 (4) Paid Distribution by Other Classes of Mail ................................................................3 2 c. Total Paid Dist: .....................................................................................................................................756 802 d. Free or Nominal (1) Free or Nominal Rate Outside-County Copies included on PS Form 3541............279 8 Rate Distribution: (2) Free or Nominal Rate In-County Copies Included on PS Form 3541.........................0 0 (3) Free or Nominal Rate Copies Mailed at Other Classes Through the USPS...............0 0 (4) Free or Nominal Rate Distribution Outside the Mail .................................................60 150 Total Free or Nominal Rate Distribution .............................................................................................................339 158 Total Distribution: ...................................................................................................................................1095 960 Copies not Distributed: .......................................................................................................................................30 140 Total: ....................................................................................................................................1125 1100 Percent Paid: ..................................................................................................................................69.04 83.54 Electronic Copy a. Paid Electronic Copies ...............................................................................................76 77 Circulation: b. Total Paid Print Copies .............................................................................................832 879 c. Total Print Distribution.............................................................................................1171 1037 d. Percent Paid..........................................................................................................71.05 84.76
Those caught wearing masks in Hell will be escorted out for being “too damned good,” says Devil.
longer be played in Hell. • There was a family spat between The Devil and his brother Satan, and they divided Hell into two parts. • The Devil will continue to rule Hell, while Satan will be in charge of Hades. • The Devil stated that Hell is for the “Blue Collar Damned,” while Hades will cater to the upper crust and intellectual damned. • Their uncle Ole Scratch will continue to be in charge of the Hell annex known as Torment. We have received several inquiries from other news organizations for biographical info on Dr. Sweet Mama DoRite. We can tell you that she is not the mother of Canadian Mountie hero Dudley DoRite. There are rumors that her father is rock’n’roll legend Hank Ballard, and that she is the subject of his 1954 hit “Annie Had a Baby.”
“I wanna writhe under Jen Psaki and the lash of her tongue every night,” Doocy moans excitedly. “She so puts the ‘pis’ in Psaki!” By Michael Egan WASHINGTON DC — Fox News laughingstock Peter Doocy and White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki announced their engagement today to jeering fellow journalists. Doocy’s proposal took the form of a question at the conclusion of Psaki’s daily press briefing. “I, er um,” he mumbled, in his embarrassingly unprofessional way, staring red-faced at his notes. “And, er, um, given the, erm, circumstances, would you at least consider, you know, er um, marrying me?” To no one’s surprise, Psaki responded with a derisive laugh and her famous withering stare. “First of all,” she sneered, “I wouldn’t describe any long term socio-sexual relationship with you a “marriage,” you pathetic little worm. At best, it would be an immediate pending divorce. So, okay for now, but maybe I’ll circle back to it later.” “Does that mean yes?” Doocy wept. He jumped up. “Oh, Jenital,” he cried, apparently using a pet name for her, “you’ve made me the most miserable man alive!” He fell back in his chair, eyes closed, sobbing. “Tell me I’m a worm again,” he panted, tightly clutching his red ball-point pen. “Worm? You’re not even worth t he Ivermectin!” Psaki scoffed. She added to the amaze ment of the jaw-dropped journal ists
scribbling in their n o t ebooks: “You can print that we’re engaged but not when the marriage will be.” Turning back to the flushed Doocy, who was cleaning up his spilled ink, she continued: “Because that will only happen after Mr Little Dick here admits Trump lost the election, that he cried for his Mommy when he got vaccinated, and that he and Tucker Carlson once shared an intimate moment in a Fox News supply closet.” Doocy, who had fallen to the floor, convulsed in shame, tears and what appeared to be orgasmic pleasure. “Oh, my God, Jender Bender,” he moaned, “just don’t tell them how Roger Ailes made me show him my tighty-whities in his office once.” Psaki grinned again. “Not this time,” she said sweetly, “but maybe tomorrow. You can fondle yourself about it all night.” Psaki swept out as a shuddering Doocy was helped up. “Oh my God,” he sobbed, “isn’t her verbal sadism just better than any Cialis?”
Ripping the Headlines Today Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: DC’s new Superman comes out as bisexual So being faster than a speeding bullet will now disappoint twice as many people. Shaquille O’Neal’s ‘Big Chicken’ restaurant is being franchised Shaq’s gotta stop buy ing fast food chains in the same way Charlie Sheen shouldn’t be buying pharmacies. Breaking: Microsoft said it would shut down LinkedIn in China Yeah, but how are Ivanka and Hunter Biden now-going to find work? Lions coach Dan Campbell in tears after gut-wrenching loss to Vikings It’s the Lions, Dude, gut-wrenching is a step-up from their usual “game over at the National Anthem.” AOC turned thirty Or, as Chuck Grassley and Diane Feinstein call it the Big III.0. Paul McCartney says it was John Lennon who broke up the Beatles Does this let Yoko off the hook… or nah? Feds seized 18 phones and computers from Rudy Giuliani Rudy’s next rally should be in the parking lot of a Best Buy.
*Average No. Copies Each Issue During Preceding 12 Months. **No. Copies of Single Issue Published Nearest to Filing Date.
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Headline News Section
HUMOR TIMES
Jon Gruden resigns after more racist, misogynistic and homophobic emails come out I guess we can all be glad of one thing, Gruden wasn’t involved in renami ng t he Br owns or Redskins. Trump shares his thoughts on golden showers in bonkers off-script moment Turns out Trump’s fav musical isn’t ‘The Music Man’ or ‘Cats’ — it’s ‘The Wiz!’ Netflix suspends trans employee who tweeted on Dave Chappelle special Hmmm, betting that decision could’ve went both ways. Books on Holocaust should be balanced with ‘opposing’ views, school leader tells teachers The only opposing view is we didn’t go hard enough on the bastards. Facebook CEO denied a former employee’s claims — based on Facebook’s own research – that the company puts “profits before people,” saying this was “just not true” He should’ve announced it on ‘WhatsCrapp.’ Trump lawyer John Eastman’ boss says he didn’t explicitly ask Pence to overturn the election Hmmm, that should be noose to Pence. Shatner back from his trip to space … No word on his luggage …
Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.
November, 2021
Race to the Bottom
Time Running Out
To everyone’s amazement...
It’s been hard to convince people...
the P.O. chief is still the guy who is invested in its demise.
Postal workers are strapped...
But we are dependent on our environment...
and people are finding more viable alternatives.
November, 2021
that we must change.
for more than just the scenery.
HUMOR TIMES
13
Tenuous Majority They put all their hopes and dreams on Joe’s back...
and it’s not going so well.
Problems are closing in...
and he’s feeling the pinch.
It’s not Republicans he has to worry about...
it’s his own party...
which needs to find a way to come together somehow.
14
HUMOR TIMES
It’s a challenging time for liberals all around these days.
November, 2021
Scheming Minority The extinction crisis is real...
but the radical wing is still behind their leader...
and resorting to any means necessary to return to power.
yet staying discreet.
Protests continue...
and party leaders are working hard...
November, 2021
They’re on a roll...
but most agree they deserve a long vacation.
HUMOR TIMES
15
The Hightower Lowdown
Bad Sports
Pantry Power
The Raiders’ coach tried to defend himself...
In June, Beto O’Rourke and I had the pleasure of visiting with some 650 workers in Beaumont, Texas, who have been locked out of their re fin ery since May 1st by the oil gi ant ExxonMobil. Just walking into the United Steelworkers’ hall gives a palpable sense of real “union spirit.” It’s not some “Solidarity Forever” singalong, but something genuinely uplifting. Hundreds of everyday people uniting in a pragmatic, cooperative effort, pulling together to do the organizing work required to gain a measure of control over their own economic destiny and resist the selfish arrogance of powerful bosses. A union hall is basically a big meeting room, and the Steelworkers have converted theirs into a full-fledged grocery store stocked with items from jars of roux (this is, after all, Cajun country) to packages of Oreos (lockouts are hard on children), fresh and frozen veggies, assorted meats in cold lockers, cleaning supplies and other basics. When most people think of union activism, they think pickets and rallies, not groceries. But “lockout” is short for “no paycheck,” and for workaday families, that means dire shortages as the weeks go by, so union spirit means stepping up with essentials. USW’s pantry was set up and is overseen by Nikki Hill. Known by all as “Miss Nikki,” she’s a third-generation union refinery worker and a no-nonsense organizer. To convey a bit of normalcy and respect for the folks who need assistance, she has arranged the space like a market rather than an emergency food shelf. It’s run literally as a family operation: She and her husband Everett, also a Local member, are usually there to greet shoppers and keep things flowing, while the younger of their six kids work shifts to stock shelves, bag groceries and assist the hundreds of people who count on the pantry. The goods here are free, though people contribute what money and volunteer efforts they can. Miss Nikki and crew are also super-shoppers for the cause, clipping coupons, searching for sales, arranging food donations, negotiating with store managers for wholesale prices and generally producing a lot with a little. Which raises another fact that establishment forces don’t want us thinking about: The very idea of having and joining unions is popular and widely considered essential to help counter the corporate greed ravaging America. Moreover, as is happening in the Golden Triangle, local people will actively support local labor struggles. Small businesses in particular are more often than not willing to help out underdogs in a fight, which they’ve done with USW’s pantry. Why? Because (1) these businesses are small, too, often getting run over by big conglomer-
but was eventually discarded.
Unfortunately, he’s not the only one.
JIM HIGHTOWER ates, out-of-state banks and chains; (2) they personally know — and might even be kin to — Miss Nikki, “Hoot,” “Pup” and other union leaders and members (note: nicknames are popular in the Triangle); and (3) those 650 union families are a core part of their customer base — while Darren Woods definitely is not. Who i s Dar r en Woods? CEO of ExxonMobil, the third-biggest private oil corporation in the world, Woods reigns over Exxon’s global empire from a luxurious corporate compound hundreds of miles from Beaumont. He has practically no personal contact with locals — and even less in common with them. For example, while Beaumont families are hooked to the fuse of that huge, ticking refinery, Darren and his family need never give a thought to his own executive suite exploding in a chemical fireball. Thus, the faraway chief of this $181 billion-a-year behemoth has no qualms decreeing that state-of-the-art safety devices and procedures are too costly an investment. Then there’s job performance. Since Woods took over as CEO in 2017, ExxonMobil’s income, profits and stock prices have tumbled. Yet, under today’s corporate ethic of institutionalized inequality, the captain (unlike the crew) no longer goes down with the ship. To the contrary, Woods has prospered extravagantly: 2017: Even though Exxon’s stock price fell by 14%, Woods reaped hikes of 20% in salary and 50% in bonuses to take home $17.5 million in total pay. 2018: He got another nice bounce, banking $18.8 million. 2019: This was a bonanza year for the chief, whose personal pay was jacked up to $23.5 million. 2020: Even when Exxon’s revenue plummeted by 30%, Woods grabbed a $16 million payday. Here’s one guy siphoning more than $75 million in personal pay for just four years in the executive chair. Now in 2021, under shareholder pressure to goose up Exxon’s bottom line, the multimillionaire CEO has a plan: Take the money and health care from the needs of rank-and-file workers. To help the locked-out workers and fill the pantry, go to Action Network: actionnetwork.org /fundraising/donate-locked-out-tx-usw.
Meanwhile, the flat-Earth guy is “doing his own research.”
16
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2021
No Time to Die Republican governors seem to be pro-COVID...
and “anti-vaxxers” don’t seem to notice the hypocrisy.
Vaccines for children may soon be approved...
which has folks excited.
But misinformation is contagious...
and is fueling more insanity.
Hospitals are hurting for staff...
November, 2021
as unnecessary deaths continue.
HUMOR TIMES
17
Miscellaneous Mischief
18
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2021
November, 2021
HUMOR TIMES
19
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