“It’s still ‘the economy stupid’ and Build Back Better will improve that for all of us in all walks of life.” – Leslie Marshall, FoxNews.com, 12/10/21 Issue #357
January, 2022
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Editor’s Letter
Holidaze
After we went to press last month, the Rittenhouse verdict came down, on Nov. 19th. Though not surprising to legal observers because of Wisconsin’s self-defense laws, a highly prejudiced judge and mistakes by the prosecution, this decision is a sad thing for America. The first man the 17-year-old teenager crossing state lines from Antioch, Illinois shot was Joseph Rosenbaum, who had committed the grave assault of throwing a plastic bag with a toothbrush in it at the young vigilante. So, naturally, it was totally appropriate to mow him down with an AR-15 style assault weapon! After that, he shot people who were trying to disarm him. Isn’t it strange how the right-wing meme that “it takes a good guy with a gun to stop a bad guy with a gun” didn’t seem to apply anymore in this case? The assault rifle-toting gunman had just killed an unarmed man, so aren’t the “good guys” supposed to stop him? That was always the story. But in this case, it was much too inconvenient, so the old saw was suddenly and hypocritically disavowed. After all, if they allowed their previously-nearly-religiously-held belief to stand, that would mean that something had to be done about vigilantes with assault rifles mowing down left-wing protesters! No, that can’t happen – they must preserve this “right” for themselves! And so, right-wing gun lovers across the land had to hit social media hard with a new myth: that Rittenhouse was the victim, and a hero, for killing out-of-control liberal rioters! The verdict was reached and the message went out to militant assault rifle toting vigilantes everywhere: It’s just fine and dandy to show up from now on at lefty demonstrations and shoot ’em up – but just be sure someone throws something at you first – or at least, gives you a dirty look. Now, let me ask any such vigilante supporters out there who might read this, and please, answer truthfully: Would you really want “antifas” armed to the teeth with assault rifles (if there were any) showing up at your rallies with the same “right” you now claim? Because it goes both ways. Methinks if you were to honestly ponder this question, you’d come to appreciate the absurdity of it all. The only reason you’re comfortable with it now is that there really are no paramilitary type “antifa” organizations showing up armed in this way. But if your side is going to keep up this deadly pretense, that could change. After all, it’s all about self-preservation. Be careful about what you wish for. Stupid laws that you think benefit you now can hurt you some day. Just like the Supreme Court-approved, yet clearly-anti-constitutional Texas law empowering people to sue any one who helps an abortion happen is about to backfire on right-wing gun lovers in California. – James Israel, Editor
Santa, like all entrepreneurs, had it tough this year...
and found it hard to keep up the ruse.
P.S. Meanwhile, as always, we remind our readers that we need your support. As a small publication in a challenging economy, we face a perpetual battle to survive. Please support our business sponsors by responding to their ads, and consider giving subscriptions, donating or becoming an ongoing patron at www.patreon.com/humortimes. Thanks! Check out our website at www.humortimes.com as well as our subscription subdomain, subs.humortimes.com, and please share them widely, using the share buttons provided. Help spread the word that there is an alternative out there to boring news coverage! Our many talented cartoonists and writers make us the “World’s Funniest News Source,” and we’re mighty proud of it. Make America Grin Again, with the Humor Times! NOTE TO SUBSCRIBERS: First of all, thank you so much for subscribing to the Humor Times! You keep us going. Secondly, if you subscribed through an online magazine agent, please do us a favor and subscribe directly with us at https://subs.humortimes.com! For example, if you subscribed through an agency such as magazines.com, we have to share your subscription fee with them, while our mailing and printing costs remain the same. So it would help us quite a bit if you instead renewed directly with us. To check your account type, look at the address label on the back cover. After your name, you will see two numbers: one beginning with “S” and one with “D”. “S” is your account number, and it has a dash and another letter after the number. That denotes Direct (“D”) or Agent (“A”). If it’s “A”, you subscribed through an agent. Please get in touch with the company you used, and tell them you do not wish to auto-renew. (You will still get all the issues you paid for.) Then, be sure to contact us (see below) to let us know, as we’ll need to send you direct renewal reminders when it’s time. The price is the same if you choose to auto-renew with us (as you likely are with them). By the way, the other number on the label, starting with “D”, is the issue due number – the issue with which your subscription comes due.The current issue number is on the front cover, upper left. Thanks again!
It got so bad, even the Grinch was shocked.
The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 30, Issue 357, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”) Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Subscriptions: http://subs.humortimes.com. Website: www.humortimes.com. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Galt, CA 95632. Contributors: Nick Anderson, Ruben Bolling, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Ken Catalino, Diane de Anda, John Deering, Michael Egan, Roger Freed, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Andy Marlette, David Martin, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Dan Wasserman & others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times (formerly the Comic Press News) is printed on recycled paper, using at least 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2022. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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January, 2022
HUMOR TIMES
3
Squatter “Gone viral” used to be a good thing...
but not any more...
and the more the virus changes, the more things stay the same.
We dared to hope for a new day...
but the holiday season was the perfect incubator...
and so it goes.
Meanwhile, it’s not just the disease...
4
but the stupid that hurts. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
January, 2022
People will believe anything, it seems...
no matter where it leads.
They’ll even sue for the “right” to spread disease.
January, 2022
Some say the new variant may not be as deadly...
but there’s no good reason to wait...
you’ll only make others (and yourself) more uncomfortable.
Who knows when it will end...
but if you’re not part of the solution... well, you know.
HUMOR TIMES
5
The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews ‘The Tonight Show’ Host, Jimmy Fallon Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the star of “The Tonight Show,” Jimmy Fallon. ANNOUNCER: Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show. JERRY DUNCAN: Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the host of The Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon. Good morning, Jimmy. JIMMY FALLON: Good morning. JERRY: Ever think about cutting off your bad ear and giving it to your wife as an anniversary gift? JIMMY: What? I don’t have a bad ear. That was my finger that almost fell off when my wedding ring got caught in a rug at home. Where do you hear these things? JERRY: The National Enquirer. You were drunk. Right, Jimmy? C’mon, confess. I need ratings. JIMMY: A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer. Next question. JERRY: You’re 47 years old. Raised in a
small town in New York. Is it true your parents were overprotective of you and your sister? JIMMY: Yeah. They made us ride our bikes in the backyard. I never knew that you rode bicycles on the sidewalk until I got to college. JERRY: Ever roller skate in your closet? JIMMY: No. JERRY: Ever try on your mom’s dress? JIMMY: Ahh. Next question. JERRY: You attended a Catholic school. Even considered being a priest. JIMMY: That’s true until I confessed to the priest that I was going to convert to Judaism. JERRY: How come you did n’t fol low through? JIMMY: He told me to “prepare for un-foreskin consequences.” Ouch! JERRY: You became obsessed with Saturday Night Live as a kid. Your parents actually forbid you to watch the entire show, because it was too risque. What’s that all about? JIMMY: Mom and dad edited the show, so I would only see the clean parts. My parents were so strict that when I was in elementary school,
WWW.EDITORIALANDPOLITICALCARTOONS.COM
they told my teachers not to teach me cursive writing. JERRY: What a couple of nut jobs. JIMMY: My mom was so crazy, she put airbags on the computer in case it crashed. JERRY: Which brings me to my next question. Was that the turning point when you decided to be a Computer Science major at college? JIMMY: Definitely. I wanted to invent the ultimate blow up doll. An Army buddy of mine stationed in the Middle East sent Jimmy Fallon. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com. me a hot Iraqi blow up doll. ProbJERRY: I worked at a bank. My boss said, lem was, she blew herself up. After that near fa“Have a nice day” so I left. I can’t understand tal incident, I switched to a Communication why I was fired. major. JIMMY: I do. JERRY: And dropped out of college your JERRY: I’ll pre tend I did n’t hear that, senior year. Jimbo. JIMMY: Boy, you do your homework. JERRY: So how did you land your first job Yeah, I got the show biz bug. Always wanted to in show biz? be a comedian. I was in all the school shows and JIMMY: I moved to LA in 1995. Did imdid impersonations for my family. prove. Got a few lines in movies. Even audiJERRY: Like who? tioned for my dream job at Saturday Night JIMMY: James Cagney, Dana Carvey. Even Live, but got rejected. impersonated a fart after a baked bean dinner. I JERRY: They say rejection is a hard pill to did stand-up at New York City comedy clubs swallow, but it’s just practice for the 60 pain while I was in college. What were you doing, killers later. Jerry? JIMMY: You got it. JERRY: But you auditioned again for Saturday Night Live. JIMMY: Lorne Mi chaels listened to my comedy, but didn’t laugh. I didn’t take that as rejection, because my peers told me the last time Lorne laughed was when his mother-in-law passed away. JERRY: And you were hired. JIMMY: It launched my career. Six years of fun. Then I hosted Late Night and finally The Tonight Show. JERRY: The Tonight Show ratings suck. JIMMY: So what? I have many hidden talents. JERRY: Like what? JIMMY: I wouldn’t know. They’re hidden. JERRY: See you tomorrow. The Jerry Duncan Show (c) Dean B. Kaner
Biden’s Build Back Better plan is good for you By Leslie Marshall, foxnews .com (no kidding!) – Excerpts: Economists on Wall Street think that President Biden’s Build Back Better bill will be a big deal... analysis shows an ex pected in crease in GDP growth [and] that 750,000 jobs will be added to the economy... It addresses climate change and protects our environment… [Protects] Pacific salmon and steelhead pop u la tions and their habitats... will stimulate local economies... will provide tax credits for local news outlets resulting in not only more local news coverage, but additional hiring... An es ti mated 3.4 mil lion Americans would gain health insurance... provides coverage for hearing aids... a $35 monthly cap on insulin and lower prescriptive drug prices. [Pro vides] in-home and c o m m u n i t y- b a s e d c a r e … healthcare coverage for new moms... will make child care more af ford able... and increase what childcare providers make… pro vides four weeks of paid leave... A new Monmouth poll found that Build Back Better is actually more popular than Congress, the president, or the Dem o crats try ing to get it passed. (www.foxnews.com/opinion/biden-build-back-better-ec onomy-leslie-marshall)
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HUMOR TIMES
January, 2022
Supreme Ignorance (& Arrogance) It’s a symbol that has endured since before Roe v Wade...
and one we hoped we had left in the dustbin of history.
But six powerful judges seem intent on destroying progress...
and ruining women’s lives.
5 of 6 were appointed by presidents who lost the popular vote… and now they try to hide their prejudice with cute semantics.
Their ignorance is only matched by their arrogance...
January, 2022
but they insist on having the final word.
HUMOR TIMES
7
The Good/Bad Economy You have to plan very carefully...
and be quite frugal...
especially now.
Trust us, say oil company execs, gas prices can’t be helped.
It’s a strange economy with inflation, but plenty of jobs...
Everybody is blaming everyone and everything else...
8
and many can now look for better pay.
but a bill stuck in Congress would help a lot.
HUMOR TIMES
January, 2022
Snowball’s Chance in Hell It’s the kids who will pay...
for obstinate ignorance today.
It’s no longer a far-off, vague danger...
but a present day reality.
Extreme weather will strike no matter what you “believe”...
or where you live.
No fantasy hero is going to save us...
we’ll have to work together to do it ourselves.
January, 2022
HUMOR TIMES
9
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
‘We Report, You Decry!’ Coffee Shortage Sparks Nationwide Panic By Hala Dika A coffee shortage has sparked a nationwide panic this week, with masses of sleepy, annoyed people looting Starbucks, Biggby and Duncan Donuts locations.
Grocery store shelves have also been plun dered clean. “They even took the Sanka?” asked one bewildered employee. As people ran up and down the aisles screaming at one store, a hipster was asked if he wasn’t worried about contracting Covid. He replied, “Covid? Get real man! This is serious!” Further investigation revealed the nightmarish scenario; the Colombian government has issued an embargo on coffee exports to the U.S. due to the unconscionable treatment of its citizens at the border. Reported by FOX News, this revelation has l ed to an i n f l u x o f ex h au s ted Trump-supporters being exuberantly affectionate towards Mexicans, Filipinos and white people leaving tanning salons. When asked how Americans would survive during this coffee shortage, an impoverished Colombian coffee-picker who had been denied asylum tilted his head back, laughed maniacally and suggested, “Let them drink Coke!”
Who or What Is/Was Omicron? By Ted Hol land, Dis patches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
12
Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Biden to Confront Putin Over Possible Russian Military Invasion of MSNBC By Ted Holland, Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network) President Biden, reacting to Intelligence re ports that ap prox i mately 173,000 Russian troops have amassed in the parking lot of the headquarters of MSNBC in New York and fearful of a military invasion of the news network, stated that he plans to personally confront President Vladimir Putin over the impending action. SNN Military Crappe Correspondent O. Denise Scoobydoo confirms that there is a huge gathering of Russian military personnel in the area around MSNBC, but stated that when interviewed, the Russians gave a variety of reasons for being there. These reasons included:
• Attending the premier of the new version of West Side Story • Protesting the firing of Chris Cuomo
• Attending the military MRE Cookoff • Trying to get a date with Lauren Boebert • To see a Mets Game • To enter the Rachel Maddow look-alike contest • To go to Harlem to get some fried chicken and waffles • To see how their weapons match up with those of NYC street gangs. Mr. Biden said that if he finds that the Russians are really in an invading mood, he will suggest that instead of MSNBC, they invade Ukraine, Fox News Channel, Alex Jones’ home, or One America News (OAN). He pledged that they would meet no military resistance at any of these locations.
Trump Vows Revenge on Time Magazine “It’s a disgrace, not choosing me ‘Man of the Year’ again,” says the former prez. By Michael Egan MAR-A-LAGO, FL – Former US president Donald J Trump vowed eternal vengeance upon Time magazine for “yet again caving in to the libs” by naming fellow twit and tax-evader Elon Musk as Person of the Year 2021. ”It’s a complete disgrace,” Trump told Fox’s Ivor Mectin in an exclusive interview. “It’s the worst disgrace in the history of the universe, if not the entire cosmos.” He went on, his orange flush deepening: “I mean, the guy has a name like a cheap perfume! Melania would wear that on a date with Justin Tru deau. Didja know Elon Musk is a mammogram for Noel Skum? Lone Kums? Enol Smuk?” he asked, taking a trembling, two-handed sip from a bottle of Fiji Water. The former “but future” president promised that in the “first hour, nay, minute,” of his first
Disgruntled Squirrels Eat Man Who Cut Down Tree to Avoid Raking Leaves By Hala Dika A man in suburban Detroit who cut down his tree to avoid raking leaves was found eaten alive by disgruntled squirrels this week. The squirrels converged upon him from tree trunks, fences, and electrical wires.
day after the GOP’s 2024 “landslide victory,” he’d issue an Executive Order commanding Time to nominate him Person of the Year every year from then on. “And don’t forget,” he added, “that could be 200 years.” A related order would install him permanently as GQ’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” and fund a blockbuster movie showcasing his “hysterical” Alec Baldwin impression as a trigger-happy idiot who shoots himself in the foot over and over. ”I just hope,” Trump wound up, “that this Olen Ksum fella doesn’t get a visit from some of my patriotic tourist friends who might want to check his nomination results. The Teenage Ninja Turtles will also probably want to conduct a forensic audit. Mr Kmsu might just figger it’s healthier to resign. “Maybe I could end up Time’s Person of the Year 2021 after all.”
Ripping the Headlines Today Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Slower mail, fewer office hours part of Postal Service plans Damn, Post mas t er General Louis DeJoy is trying to make the mail as slow as Eric Trump. Christmas tree outside of Fox News catches on fire Guess no one raked under it!
Some think the new variant is actually QAnon code for Lauren Boebert. Photo by Gage Skidmore.
This past week the word-birthers at the World Health Organization dubbed the latest Covid strain as Omicron. The word has such a familiar ring to it that we reached out to SNN correspondents across the universe to get a taste of what exactly the word Omicron is… we got the following responses: • On the planet Zardoc, it’s a coupon for two free whores • It’s Engelbert Humperdinck’s middle name • It was the Ancient Egyptian God of Syphilis • It is a Botswanan word that literally translates to “Fauci” • It was a Christopher Columbus ship that had a leaky hull and couldn’t sail with the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria • It’s the last stroke in the male masturbation process • It was Elvis’ favorite guitar • It is a Schnotzelvakian brand of condoms. Translated into English it means “blame it on the boogie” • It’s Lauren Boebert • It was Chief Sitting Bull’s favorite war pony • Psychologically it’s a fear of peeing on oneself • It’s what Michigan did to Ohio State • It’s a masked wrestler on AEW Dynamite • It’s a watch that sells on TV for $19.99 • It’s the police technical term for an 80-person snatch and grab robbery crew SNN romance correspondent Pittche N. Woo states that if you are in Hong Kong, do not confuse Omicron with the term Omnicrom, which in Chinese is an order for home-delivered sex with a male rhino.
Headline News Section
Omicron 3 times more likely to cause reinfection than previous COVID variants There are so many spin-offs from COVID-19 you’d think the person in charge was Dick Wolf.
Caught in the act, they all stood still on their hind-legs, with bloody snouts, like toddlers with their paws caught in the cookie jar. “It was horrible,” a neighbor who witnessed the incident said, “They descended upon him like a swarm of locusts, in a frenzy of vengeance. Who knew that squirrels were capable of such aggression?” An investigation launched by local police uncovered little to no evidence as to which squirrels were responsible for the attack, although it is believed that one or two were caught and are now serving as informants. The term “rats” has been avoided, as most squirrels are fiercely indignant of the genetic relation. The man’s ears, nose, and fingers, were found scattered and bur ied throughout the neighborhood, in what most believe is a warning to other amateur lumberjacks. “We’ve seen this kind of thing before,” Chief of police, Dan Mutton explained at a press conference, “Mostly with the Mob.” What was left of the man was buried under a giant Maple tree in Autumn Leaves Cemetery this October. Squirrels in the tree were heard mischievously giggling throughout the entire ceremony.
Meghan McCain melts down over Fox News Christmas tree fire Sounds like Meghan is auditioning for a new show… ‘FOX and I Have No Friends.’ Plumber finds $600K behind loose toilet in wall at Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Mega-Church So, that’s what they mean when they say someone’s flush.
Brian Williams’ final MSNBC broadcast will be on Thursday If he had real balls, he’d exit in a helicopter under enemy fire. RIP Michael Nesmith Peo ple say you Monkeyed around … Shooter Crumbley parents captured in Detroit The Crumbleys were hiding in Detroit? People seeing them must’ve thought Eminem’s aging like s**t! Evan Rachel Wood said she installed bulletproof windows and steel doors in her house in case Marilyn Manson attacked her family … really, he seems nice. Cough. Cough. Private payrolls post better-than-expected growth of 534,000 in November, ADP says … would’ve been 534,001 except, y’know, Chris Cuomo.
Clapton’s trending again on Twitter Might I suggest, his next song should be “Lay Low.”
Charli XCX’s entire boob fell out of her dress at the ARIA Music Awards, and she shared the footage Thank ya, Charli, for keeping us abreast of the situation!
USC bought new Head Football Coach Lincoln Riley a $6-million home in L.A … So, a one bedroom, fixer-upper.
Alex Jones says he will plead the 5th before the J6 Select Committee … The only question is a fifth of what …
Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.
Surgeon General’s Warning: ‘Humor Times’ is Habit-Forming! The U.S. Surgeon General gave a stern warning to citizens about a national humor magazine called the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter – upsetting the habitually pessimistic and people with weaker stomachs. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy went on to state that, “Although they are one of the few companies not suffering supply chain issues, and gift subscriptions may seem like the perfect gift – lasting all year long and making people happy – consumers should be cautious. After all, we may love to laugh, but at what price? Sudden guffaws can disturb those nearby. Tears of laughter can blur your vision. And smiling can tire your facial muscles.” The health officer said he was only trying to protect Americans during a time when lung capacity must be safeguarded, noting that sudden laughter can temporarily empty the lungs. “We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’” he added, “but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America.” (Ed. note: A subscription form can be found on page 3 – use at your own risk!)
HUMOR TIMES
January, 2022
Not Your Daddy’s Republican Party These ain’t your dad’s Republicans...
not by a long shot.
They spout the same slogans, but it’s just an act...
to hide their real character.
They’ve proven they’re untrustworthy...
and continue subservience to their coup leader.
But blind loyalty to him is tearing the party apart...
January, 2022
and will only backfire when justice is finally done.
HUMOR TIMES
13
Biden His Time The prez’ popularity has taken a hit lately...
and things are not looking good for his party.
He tried some tricks out of desperation...
but it was a hard sell.
He held a summit for democracy...
but the American voter is notoriously hard to impress.
Kamala might be wishing she stayed in California...
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HUMOR TIMES
but better days could still be ahead for the party.
January, 2022
People Kill People, with Guns You have to be careful what you wish for...
at least in this day and age.
Some people’s idea of holiness is more like holey-ness...
which they love to pass on to their children.
They seem surprised when that leads to disaster...
Rittenhouse really cleaned up at trial...
January, 2022
although some consider it “success.”
but what can go wrong when you okay mowing people down?
HUMOR TIMES
15
The Hightower Lowdown
Media Personalities
How to Play Monopoly
We got a trip down memory lane (and Penny Lane)...
while people we’d rather forget made ignominious exits...
and may never be seen again.
To play Monopoly, the goal is straightforward: Accumulate property, control the board and ruin all the other players. It was created in 1903 as The Land lord’s Game by ar dent anti-monopolist Lizzie Magie to educate people about the economic and social destructiveness of concentrating land ownership in private cartels. (Not for nothing is each box of Monopoly adorned by a caricature of a top-hatted, robber-baron ty coon, dubbed Ric h Uncle Pennybags.) More than a century later, real-world monopolists retain the game’s original objective: Amalgamate market power, crush competitors and run the board. But rather than a game of chance dependent on a roll of the dice, today’s corporate monopolies are products of carefully plotted and executed power plays. Theirs is a game for the biggest, richest, most avaricious plunderers. Just to be a player now requires investing millions of dollars in campaign donations, lobbying firms, lawyer fees, etc. Why? Because Americans HATE monopolies. From 1773’s Boston Tea Party — an audacious direct assault on the British East India Company’s attempt to monopolize colonial America’s tea market — we have vehemently rebelled, again and again, against corporate control as inherently antidemocratic, abusive, un-American … and morally unacceptable. But as Thomas Jefferson warned at the start of our republic, “monied corporations” know that they don’t need the public’s acceptance if they can buy backdoor acceptance from a few public officials. Still, people’s disdain for monopoly power is so ingrained that lawmakers and their corporate purchasers can’t just pass a law declaring “Monopoly is hereby authorized.” Instead, they do it bit by bit through a process of obscure statutory deceits, pipelines of legalized bribery, vats of PR perfumes, and other devilish ways to rig the rules of competition against actual competition. M a jor bra nd-na me c or po ra ti ons use workarounds to create and extend monopolies without ever having to say the word, leaving their tactics with obfuscating names ranging from arcane to quasi-comical, such as “category captain,” “slotting,” “no-poach agreements,” etc. Over the past 40 years, however, the most common way to establish a monopoly has been: “What the hell, let’s just go buy one.” With antitrust enforcement hogtied by lawmakers in harness to corporate backers, it’s now considered a legitimate, even ethical, business practice for
JIM HIGHTOWER big-wigs who want to “play monopoly” is to compel competitors to sell out by deploying a combination of deep-pocket cash, ruthless market-squeeze and shareholder pressure. Indeed, consolidating our economy is no longer something that the occasional corporate pirate does on its own. There’s now an entire industry of specialized law firms, Wall Street banks, hedge funds, lobbyists, social media pushers and a menagerie of high-dollar consultants working full-tilt every day to help ambitious empire build ers pull off merger and acquisition seizures in every U.S. business sector. Our national and state governments used to stand as bulwarks against these anti-competitive takeovers, but since the 1980s, the corporate establishment has aggressively pushed presidents, legislators, governors and regulators to champion the efficiencies of deregulated markets. But that “efficiency” is a euphemism for raw power, and the de-reg frenzy its promoters unleashed almost immediately detonated an explosion of mergers … then megamergers, and now … Hello, Monopoly! Forbes magazine reports that in just the first four months of 2021, corporations and speculators spent an astonishing record of $1.77 trillion on M&A power plays, producing nothing but tighter market control for wealthy elites, who will use the booty to grab more wealth and power. Apple, for example, brags to its investors that it has snapped up more than 100 competitors in the past six years, an average of more than one a month. Likewise, Amazon didn’t dominate the new and highly profitable cloud computing business through its own genius; it ran a high-tech Pac-Man takeover operation, gobbling up at least 13 cloud innovators from 2012 to 2020. The laissez-fairyland promise is that corporate deregulation produces competitive magic. Ironically, the result is just the opposite: More and much more repressive regulation! So, how do you fight monopoly? Start where you live — and here’s some help! The Institute for Local Self-Reliance (https://ilsr.org/) has a guide full of examples of successful local and state anti-monopoly efforts that could be models for your own town.
Meanwhile, small town papers continued to be gobbled up.
16
HUMOR TIMES
January, 2022
A Coup for You While the media was distracted...
there was a small item they might have missed.
Republicans say Cheney is on the wrong side...
but a huge pile of evidence says otherwise.
Yet so far, only small fry are paying for the crime.
Dems are still promising to deliver on big changes...
but certain of them are sleeping on the job.
January, 2022
It’s time to stop running out the clock!
HUMOR TIMES
17
Miscellaneous Mischief
18
HUMOR TIMES
January, 2022
January, 2022
HUMOR TIMES
19
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An Iliad
A retelling of Homer’s epic tale of the Trojan War. May 6th - June 5th: One challenging student. One burned-out teacher. One ill-advised comment.
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