“If the Senate is to be responsive to the popular will, the filibuster must go.” – Caroline Fredrickson, Brennan Center for Justice Issue #358
February, 2022
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Editor’s Letter
Holidaze
Hey, it’s only democracy. Sadly, not too many Americans seem concerned that ours is on the brink. They’re busy looking good on social media and stay ing abreast of pop culture, so as not to seem out of touch – which is the worst sin possible in twenty-first century USA! Not you, of course, dear reader. You know where it’s at, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this crazy, pie-in-the-sky anti-authoritarian rag that still believes in representative democracy! The state of affairs in present day America is one that I had never imagined possible, even a decade and a half ago. That’s when the astroturf “Tea Party movement” was installed, and it became apparent then just how easy it was to fool mass numbers of people into believing obvious, insane lies. Like those about “Obamacare death panels” condemning your grandma to die, because “liberals” don’t think old people are worth the expense (and might vote Republican)! Of course, it’s always been possible to get people to vote against their own interests by appealing to their innate, evolutionary sense of tribalism, and by exploiting religious beliefs. But with the emerging social media platforms of the time (Facebook was launched in 2004 and Twitter in 2006) and the ability of Republican leaders like Newt Gingrich to convince the party base that the other party was “evil” and only wanted to “kill babies” through unrestricted abortion, it became apparent that hyper-partisanship was reaching new levels. Still, until the rise of the Tangerine Mussolini, I never thought they could be convinced to believe in extreme, unsupported lies about “stolen elections” and baby-eating lefties. But once you’ve used the power of social media to keep your audience locked in their bubble – never daring to peek outside of the cult for fear of being brainwashed by them “godless lib’rals” – you can convince a large portion of your party base that such inconceivable atrocities are real. From there, appealing to a misguided, misinformed “patriotism” can be very powerful. If their leader tells them they had better “fight like hell” by going so far as to attack their own capitol – well, sadly, they believe him – and obey. Later, they can use the chaos they intentionally fomented to inspire new state laws that add ever-more restrictive rules to vote access and – just in case they still lose – set themselves up as the vote counters. And as if all that is not enough, they are giving themselves the power to overrule any results they don’t like. My friends, never doubt that fear and ignorance are a very dangerous and combustible combination. Used deliberately by people in positions of wealth and power, it can lead to fascism. It’s happened often throughout history, and yes, it can happen here. Sadly, our founding fathers left us a flawed system that is actually facilitating its own destruction. Attempting to appease the slave-owning states, they created an upper house (the Senate) that gives far too much representation to sparsely-populated states and a twisted “Electoral College” system that gives those same states too much power to swing presidential elections. Add to that the insane Senate filibuster rules, created much later – also to appease the former slave-owning states – and you have a recipe for inaction that will frustrate a population into desperation. That the filibuster’s anti-democratic nature would have been ardently opposed by the founders (see page 6) seems not to matter a whit to many so-called leaders now. This is how we find ourselves at the crossroads of democracy and fascism today. You’d think that it might matter more to a vast majority of citizens (and to the media), all of whom celebrate said democracy every 4th of July. All Americans who do still value democracy need to do all the can to protect it, including writing your Senators (especially if they are Manchin or Sinema) and voting only for pro-democracy candidates! – James Israel, Editor NOTE TO SUBSCRIBERS: First of all, thank you so much for subscribing to the Humor Times! You are our lifeblood and keep us going. Secondly, if you subscribed through an online magazine agent, please do us a favor and renew directly with us. For example, if you subscribed through an agency such as magazines.com, we have to share your subscription fee with them, while our expenses remain the same. So it would help a lot if you instead renewed directly with us, at https://subs.humortimes.com or by phone, email or mail. To check your account type, look at the address label on the back cover. After your name, you will see two numbers: one beginning with “S” and one with “D”. “S” is your account number, and it has a dash and another letter after the number. That denotes Direct (“D”) or Agent (“A”). If it’s “A”, you subscribed through an agent. Please get in touch with that company (we can tell you who it is) to cancel auto-renewals (you will still get all the issues you paid for). Then, be sure to contact us to let us know, as we’ll need to send you direct renewal reminders when it’s time. The price is the same if you choose to auto-renew with us (as you likely are doing with them). By the way, the other number on the label, starting with “D”, is the issue due number – the issue with which your subscription comes due.The current issue number is on the front cover, upper left. Thanks again! The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 30, Issue 358, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”) Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Subscriptions: http://subs.humortimes.com. Website: http://www.humortimes.com. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: Jim LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Valley Oak Press, Inc., Galt, CA 95632. Contributors: Nick Anderson, Ruben Bolling, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Ken Catalino, Diane de Anda, John Deering, Michael Egan, Roger Freed, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Paul Lander, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Andy Marlette, David Martin, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Dan Wasserman & others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times (formerly the Comic Press News) is printed on recycled paper, using at least 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2022. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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February, 2022
HUMOR TIMES
3
Time Flies When Your Democracy’s at Stake A year has passed...
and the disgraced ex-prez is still proud of himself.
His party continues to cover up...
insisting that there’s nothing to see here.
Evidence shows that he did nothing...
except create and then cheer on the insurrection.
But the time is coming for the entire Insurrection Caucus to be finally held accountable. (continued)
4
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2022
The committee has asked nicely for everyone’s cooperation...
of spilling the beans.
They say they’re still searching for evidence...
that someone broke the law.
But so far, the investigation has been quite tame.
If only there were a department tasked with enforcement...
February, 2022
but some show no sign...
HUMOR TIMES
to ensure lawbreakers reap what they have sown.
5
The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Gomer Pyle Jr. Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Gomer Pyle Jr, whose name you may recognize from a 1960’s TV show. ANNOUNCER: Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show. JERRY DUNCAN: Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Perhaps. Today on the show my guest is Wasilla resident Gomer Pyle Jr. You may recognize the name because of his father Gomer Pyle from The Andy Griffith Show in the 60’s. JERRY: Hi Gomer. GOMER PYLE JR: Go-o-o-o-llee! It’s really Jerry Duncan. JERRY: Folks. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Gomer and his son… the original Dumb and Dumber. GOMER JR: I’m nervous. Been interviewed only once in my life. JERRY: When? GOMER JR: Gosh. Five years ago. The IRS had me in their big city office, because I forgot to pay taxes for 6 years. I always thought
April 15 was April Fool’s Day. JERRY: Hey, Numb Nuts. Aside from being stupid, do you know auditors and sperm have have something in common? GOMER JR: What? JERRY: One in 3 million has a chance of becoming a human being. GOMER JR: Go-o-o-o-llee! Just one question, Jerry. What’s sperm? JERRY: Something your mother regretted. I read you are a trained mechanic. GOMER JR: Yessiree. I learned the trade from my daddy. Fortunately, I was like a sponge and absorbed everything before he accidentally burned down Wally’s Garage. JERRY: What? GOMER JR: One hot summer day in Mayberry, daddy had a couple of cars running in the shop that he was working on. Suddenly, he heard the sound of an ice cream truck around the corner. After devouring a milkshake in the park, daddy fell asleep. It was Wally who woke him up and dragged him to the scene of the fire.
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JERRY: What did your old man say after the place burned to the ground? GOMER JR: I remember his words. “Should I rotate the tires, Wally?” JERRY: Hold on. I got a call coming in on my phone. Yeah. This is Jerry…I’m on the air! Who is this? Goober Pyle Jr? Are you Goober Pyle’s son from The Andy Griffith Show? GOOBER PYLE JR: Do I get a prize if I say ‘yes?’ JERRY: A booby prize. You’re live on the air with your cousin Gomer Jr. GOOBER JR: Hey, Gomer. GOMER JR: Hey, Goober. JERRY: I gotta know what you two nitwits do for a living? GOMER JR: Well. I’m on permanent disability. JERRY: Free loader. GOMER JR: I am not! When I was on a farm fixin a tractor, the dang thing ran over my foot when I put it in reverse. I couldn’t work no more. To make matters worse, my girlfriend at the time stole my wheelchair. But like a fool, I came crawling back. JERRY: Your life was over, fella.
GOMER JR: Not by a long shot. Aunt Bee was so mad that she sat on my girl’s face.That’s 300 pounds of ass, Jerry. My girl looked like a pancake after the paramedics peeled her off. JERRY: And what about you, Goobs? GOOBER JR: I’m a bartender in Mayberry. Been doing the same job for 50 years. The other day a chicken walked in the bar. I told the young lady, “We don’t serve poultry.” She said, “That’s okay, I just want a drink.” The animals love me, Jerry. JERRY: I’m glad someone does. GOMER JR: If you haven’t noticed, me and Goober think alike. JERRY: No argument there. You share the same brain. Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I’d throw it at you two. See you tomorrow. The Jerry Duncan Show, (c) Dean B. Kaner.
The Framers would have been against the filibuster The Framers went to great lengths to ensure that a minority of senators could not thwart the wishes of the majority. After all, a major reason they convened the Constitutional Con ven tion in 1787 was because the Articles of Confederation (the precursor to the Constitution) required a super-majority vote of nine of the thirteen states, making the government weak and ineffective. This led James Madison to argue against any super-majority requirement in the Constitution the Framers were then designing, writing that otherwise “the fundamental principle of free government would be reversed,“ and “It would be no longer the majority that would rule: the power would be transferred to the minority.” And it led Alexander Hamilton to note “how much good may be prevented, and how much ill may be produced” if a minority in either house of Congress had “the power of hindering the doing what may be necessary.” This is why the Framers required no more than a simple majority in both houses of Con gress to pass leg is lation... Sen a tors whose votes have been blocked by the senate minority should themselves take the issue to the Su preme Court. If anyone has standing to make this argument, they surely do. – Robert Reich, 1/12/22 “The biggest lie of all is the Senate’s claim that it ‘is the greatest deliberative body in the world.’ The fil i bus ter makes the Senate the least deliberative legislative and least democratic legislative body by allowing a minority of Senators to prevent the Senate from debating, much less voting on, any legislation that is opposed by the minority party.” – Emmet Bondurant, distinguished constitutional lawyer from Georgia, 1/11/22
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HUMOR TIMES
February, 2022
It’s Only Democracy, After All The recent history of one party has been tragic...
descending to a point where they shun free and fair elections.
They’re rigging the rules in states they control...
and have a national plan as well...
which seems to be working, thanks to outside help.
Joe Biden finally sprung into action...
saying it ain’t over yet...
February, 2022
despite what some people say.
HUMOR TIMES
7
The Forever Pandemic The Coronavirus is ever-evolving...
taking advantage of our proclivity to party.
Test kits can be hard to find...
8
and there are many kinds...
so pick yours carefully.
A lot of people remain in denial...
quick to place the blame...
on anyone they don’t like. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2022
Some folks think it’s safer to go ahead and get infected...
but the vaccinated fare better either way...
which some folks just don’t get.
They have their reasons...
and some just doubt the science.
The way it’s going, we could run out of variant names...
and medical resources...
February, 2022
as the system is under a lot of stress.
HUMOR TIMES
9
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
‘We Report, You Decry!’
SNN Uncovers Why Many Americans Remain Unvaccinated By Ted Holland, Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
Photo by Chris Devers flickr.com.
Next to the renegade island nation of Sloppejarre, the United States has the largest percentage of unvaccinated citizens. SNN in ves ti ga tive re port ers Sweet Mama Dorite and Mutha Buckette hit the highways and byways across America to find out why so many still refuse to get Covid vaccinations. These are the reasons given by many unvaccinated Americans: • “Nunyodamnbidness” • “Kiss my ass” • “It’s against my religion” • “I live in a Republican State” • “There ain’t no Covid… it’s a scam put out by the guvmint and drug companies” • “I’m waiting to be paid to take the shot… $250.00 a shot would be good” • “I’m waiting on Marvel Comics to develop a super vaccine” • “Waiting on Jack Daniels vaccine” • “waiting on the digital vaccine” • “When Jesus Christ and John Wayne git a vaccine… I’ll git one” • “I’m a Goddamn American and I don’t have to do nuthin’ I don’t want to” Mutha Buckette is SNN’s highest paid correspondent and the only woman ever to reach the rank of General in the Slobovian Foreign Legion.
U.S. Constitution to Receive State Funeral 4 July, Chief Justice Roberts Presiding By Michael Egan WASHINGTON DC — The US Constitution, finally pronounced dead after a long illness, will lie in state at the Capitol this 4th o f J u ly fo r mourn ers and celebrants alike. Yellowed with age, almost il leg i ble and curl ing at th e ed g es , i t w i l l b e c r emated and forgotten almost immediately. “The poor thing’s become so irrelevant, that’s the problem,” said Chief Justice Roberts in an interview. “As you know, it rambles on and on about freedoms and rights that are frankly just relics from the past. No one pays any attention to them any longer.” Justice Roberts went on: “If there was a Place for Mom for doddery old constitutions we’d put it there. The British are also wondering what to do with theirs, on its last legs and frankly not even written. “Let’s be honest, these old fellas are just a danger to themselves and others. Young folks read them and start getting ideas, so they need to be quickly and humanely put down, like old pets. Sentimentalists like Bernie Sanders and that AOC girl want to keep them alive, but really what’s the point? Here on the court most of us just ignore old We The People and do what we want anyway.” Roberts gestured toward the Constitution’s little wood coffin sitting on his desk. “Luckily,” he said, “ours has died a natural death, but then it would, being probed and cut about by the likes of Clarence, Neill, Brett, and Amy. “Ex cept the Sec ond Amend ment, of course,” he quickly added. “We’re keeping that part alive under a special provision.”
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Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
With ‘Pee Cure’ Trending, Amazon Selling Drivers’ Urine as Covid Cure By Michael Egan SEATTLE – Amazon spokeswoman Anna Conda announced today that the company’s most popular new line is “freshly bottled delivery drivers’ urine,” sold as a new Covid cure for the Omicron variant. Called the Peezos Urine Cure, the micturate comes in two shades/aromas, I Gotta Go Right Now! Beige, and Whew, Thank You Jesus! Yellow. “Everyone knows Amazon delivery guys pee in their used water bottles to save time,” Ms Conda admitted. “For a while we pretended to ban that, but then the Q demographic started drinking human pee as a Covid cure, and Mr Bezos saw another business opportunity. You could say we’re minding our P’s
and Q’s, with the pees flying off the shelves and the queues getting longer every day!” Ms Conda went on: “No joke, some drivers
are turning in eight, nine bottles a day, filled to the brim with fresh pee and sealed with their original caps. No questions asked, all we have to do is label them “Not FDA Approved” and the red hats beat the doors down.” Ms Conda agreed that selling bottled urine at $7.99 a pint looked like profiteering, but, “what’s it worth cocking a snook at Tony Fauci, eh? Besides, Prime members get our new Full Bladder Em-Urgency Service — a drop-off drone at their door within two hours of payment verification.” Asked whether any lab tests showed that drivers’ urine actually cures Covid, Ms Conda replied that anything able to make Jeff Bezos look sexy must be miraculous.
Biden’s ‘War on COVID’ Could Involve Tiny Soldiers By Hala Dika President Joe Biden declared a “War on COVID” earlier today, at an over-crowded press conference, sprinkled with members of Congress, all wearing their COVID masks under the nose. “The best way to fight this dreadful disease,” Biden announced, “Is to get everyone back out in public, working in small office spaces, interacting in restaurants and gyms, sharing crowded subways, trams, and buses and taking taxis and Ubers with strangers who do not know if they have it or not. Trust me, risking your life for economic growth, and so I can go up in the polls, is the worthiest of causes.” Then, with a red gleam in his eye, his voice got deeper… “I saved you from Trump. Now you must sacrifice your first-born children! It is the only way to preserve the good, and the Capitaliss…sss…a-hem… Democratic Way!” He also announced a new vaccine, which
Subpoena: Hell No, Ivanka Won’t Go! Unless… By Lesley Leben Law yers for Ivanka Trump responded to day with an emphatic “No” to a subpoena issued by New York Attorney General Letitia James. “Tes ti fy ing under oath would force Ms. Trump Image: DonkeyHotey, flickr.com. to tell the truth, a breach of her own moral compass,” they said. Ms. Trump’s counsel continued: “However, in the unfortunate event that Ms. Trump is convicted, there are a number of stipulations that must be met if she is to serve her time.” The lawyers went on to list the following: • No Perp Walks: Ivanka cannot be perp walked up the steps of a Manhattan courthouse like a B list celebrity. She has agreed to do a “perp strut” with a fan to blow her hair and some Klezmer: traditional Jewish folk background music. • Prison Attire: Unlike her father, Ivanka does not like the color orange. Ms. Trump has agreed to wear a jumpsuit in black satin, professionally tailored, with a pair of Ivanka Trump pumps. • Food: Trump follows a gluten-free, gluttonous diet. She refrains from eating gluten, but like all other aspects of her life, she delights in eating greedily. She must have all the grub she wants, even at the expense of other prisoners. • Security detail: Ivanka must continue to have taxpayer-funded Secret Service protection. Although she often slaps Jared for fun, Ivanka lacks the skills to engage in a formal cat fight. • Personal beauty: Ivanka’s “glam squad” must be given visiting privileges to ensure her natural beauty is maintained. Her team includes: a hair extension specialist, hair colorist, hair dresser, masseuse, facialist, manicurist, dermatologist (filler and Botox), brow designer, wardrobe stylist, and a voice coach. (Her sotto voce must be practiced. Her real voice sounds more like a cat that’s been stepped on.) • Accommodations: Ivanka requires a private cell with bathroom and bathtub, on a high floor (courtyard view). As a quid pro quo, she will teach a series of courses entitled: “How to Fake Empathy,” “Embracing Your Inner Narcissist” and “Pen Pal Writing with a January 6th.”
will consist of shrinking military personnel and vehicles to minuscule proportions, which will then be directly injected into every American’s bloodstream. “Unlike our own government, this procedure will unseat this horrible circular dictator with the protruding, red, fuzzy thingies.” Suddenly whipping his hand behind his back, and nearly shattering his Bloomberg L.P. coffee mug, he added, “Why would I lie?” Later on in the day, COVID had its own press conference to thank the government and people of America for being so welcoming. “We can’t believe how hospitable everyone has been. Every time we think we’re out, you pull us back in. In fact, you have been so much more generous than any other nation, that we’re thinking of staying on for another three years. “Our little ones are getting an excellent education,” COVID went on, “and those people in the big, red hats, carry us everywhere, free of charge, including to those all-you-can-infect
buffets, which I believe they call rallies. We can hardly keep up with all the wonderful opportunities, here in this great country of yours…it’s almost as if you’re entire population were expendable? Sorry about the killing though. No hard feelings, eh?” A study conducted by Darwin Research Labs, found that Americans who persist in the notion that COVID isn’t real, will eventually lose the use of their thumbs.
Ripping the Headlines Today Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: Record snow is making moose cranky and dangerous, Alaska park says. ‘Be ready to run.’ However, no word on squirrel. Novak Djokovic attended Belgrade event 24 hours after positive Covid test … the tennis balls on this guy!
The Golden Globes came out And this time it had nothing to do with a Miley Cyrus wardrobe malfunction. Happy Birthday, Pete Davidson What do you get for the guy who’s in the process of having everyone?!
Word is, Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend rolled over on him And, not in a good way!
Plane hit by train after crashing on train tracks in California For anyone thinking their day sucks, stop it!
Biden to deliver State of the Union on March 1 Look for speech to go: “The State of the Union between Kanye and Kim. Not so good.” Then sit down.
NFL playoffs about to kick-off And the Lions are already mathematically eliminated …. from next year’s Super Bowl.
Candace Owens and Piers Morgan fighting on the Twitter In fairness, maybe, Piers thought Candace was Meghan Markle. After 2020, Trump backers forged election docs in three states Might’ve gotten away with it but they misspelled you’re/your. Prince Andrew has been stripped of Royal & Military Titles by his mother Sounds to me like Queen Elizabeth has thrown Prince Andrew under the school bus.
Grey’s Anatomy returning for a 19th season Only question is, in which episode will a patient arrive who tried to water ski jump over a shark. U.S. Postal Service says vaccine rules could slow mail deliveries … thanks to DeJoy, look for items mailed today to arrive during Zeta variant! … COVID outbreak on 3d Florida-based cruise ship It’s like ‘Petri Dish’ is French for Cruise Ship. Aaron Rodgers trending on Twitter With all that Ivermectin, I thought he got traded to the Colts or Broncos.
Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.
Surgeon General’s Warning: ‘Humor Times’ is Habit-Forming! The U.S. Surgeon General gave a stern warning to citizens about a national humor magazine called the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter – upsetting the habitually pessimistic and people with weaker stomachs. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy went on to state that, “Although they are one of the few companies not suffering supply chain issues, and gift subscriptions may seem like the perfect gift – lasting all year long and making people happy – consumers should be cautious. After all, we may love to laugh, but at what price? Sudden guffaws can disturb those nearby. Tears of laughter can blur your vision. And smiling can tire your facial muscles.” The health officer said he was only trying to protect Americans during a time when lung capacity must be safeguarded, noting that sudden laughter can temporarily empty the lungs. “We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’” he added, “but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America.” (Ed. note: A subscription form can be found on page 3 – use at your own risk!)
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2022
Underperforming Democrats would love to make some trades...
because things are getting ugly...
as they look to the new year.
The prez has pledged to work harder...
with his teammates.
But Dems are famous for intricate plans...
that go nowhere...
February, 2022
leaving them feeling down.
HUMOR TIMES
13
Party of One
14
Republican Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene is special...
and continues to make the party proud.
Matt Gaetz, too, is making history...
and everyone is committed...
to their Dear Leader.
They’re expending a lot of energy and hot air...
battling for control...
of the soul of the party.
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2022
Cult Leader
Joe Mansion Manchin
Trump refuses to go away...
The Dem. Senator from West Virginia relishes his role...
and is hoping to save his legacy.
keeping “drug money” out of the hands of his constituents.
Meanwhile, evidence is piling up...
He’s says they’ll thank him in the end...
but his secrets are safe, for now.
February, 2022
and that’s all the reward he needs.
HUMOR TIMES
15
The Hightower Lowdown
Sports Roundup
How Corporate Greed is Causing Tornado Deaths
College football teams battled more than each other...
with the Bulldogs dispatching the Crimson Tide in the end.
A tennis player attracted attention for all the wrong reasons...
In its ranking of business values, corporate America proudly provides a special place for elevated moral behavior. That place is the trash can. Indeed, several years ago, free-market extremist Milton Friedman actually decreed that the only ethical obligation a corporation has to society is to deliver as much profit as possible to its big investors — everybody else be damned. Any awfulness caused by their self-indulgent policy of profit maximization is excused by claiming that their iniquities “broke no laws.” But — hello — they write the laws, intentionally defining corporate immorality as always technically legal. America experienced the result of this mentality just before Christmas, when a line of supercell tornadoes ripped through Midwestern states, demolishing homes, businesses and even whole towns, killing more than 90 people. “A tragedy,” wailed CEOs, the media and public officials! But wait: Those tornado deaths were not des tiny. No ques tion that a twist ing 190-mph vortex comes at us with cataclysmic power, but we’re not helpless in the face of its fury. For years, an effective, comparatively cheap defense against killer tornadoes has been readily available: Safe rooms. Basically, these are simple, concrete rooms built inside homes, schools, factories, shopping centers and elsewhere. People can shelter safely in them during big blows, surviving even if the building around them is shredded. Emergency management officials report that they provide “near absolute protection” from tornadoes. A decade ago, safety officials, insurance providers, consumer advocates and others had proposed amending our building codes to require these inexpensive, lifesaving structures in new commercial and public buildings. Such a provision would’ve saved many workers who were crushed in an Ama zon ware house, a candle-mak ing factory and other buildings destroyed in December’s storms. But they died, because in 2012, members of a little-known industry-controlled group, the International Code Council, had quietly vetoed the proposal, calling it “overly restrictive,” even declaring it “way too soon to do a knee jerk reaction” to tornado deaths. All those buildings smashed by December’s tornadoes were corporate death sites because their shoddy construction “broke no laws.” Let’s ask corporate America if it’s still too soon for Congress to mandate tornado-safe rooms. The morn ing af ter the hor rific tor nado
JIM HIGHTOWER smashed a huge Amazon warehouse in Illinois, killing six workers on the night shift, corporate CEO Jeff Bezos is sued a per sonal video message. But instead of expressing distress and sorrow, Boss Bezos was perversely giddy. That’s because the narcissistic gazillionaire had not made the video to mourn the deaths. Rather, ignoring Amazon’s Illinois disaster, he had chosen this hour of tragedy to gloat to the world that his private space tourism business had just rocketed a small group of extremely rich thrill seekers on a 10-minute joyride some 66 miles up to the edge of space. As reported by the “Popular Information” newsletter, Bezos even dressed up in a pretend astronaut costume for this PR video, grinning proudly as he exclaimed that everyone involved was really “happy.” Back on Planet Earth, though, the families and co-workers of the employees crushed when Amazon’s cheaply built structure collapsed on them were not happy with him. It took Bezos some 12 hours after his self-congratulatory media event before he finally issued a perfunctory tweet professing to be “heartbroken over the loss of our teammates.” But they weren’t “lost” to a storm — they were killed by a deliberate corporate culture that routinely cuts corners on worker safety to put more profit in corporate pockets. First, the building itself was thrown up quickly with cheap, preassembled, 40-foot-high concrete walls that collapse inward in a tornado; second, Amazon’s employees were expected to stay on the job that night even though there was a high risk of tornadoes; third, Amazon never bothered to hold tornado drills; and fourth, nearly all of the workers were classified as “contractors,” letting Amazon dodge liability for on-the-job harm. Oh, and Jeff might also want to reconsider one more bit of the corporate arrogance he revealed in this ugly incident: Those dead workers were not his “teammates,” as he so cynically called them — even a high-flying captain doesn’t treat teammates as throwaway units, carelessly sacrificing their lives for a few more dollars in corporate profit.
and a sports legend passed on.
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February, 2022
Miscellaneous Mischief
February, 2022
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More Mischief
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