Issue #360
April, 2022
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Editor’s Letter Welcome to the Anniversary Issue of the Humor Times! We’ve been helping America “stay tooned” to the news for 31 years! (Thanks to loyal reader Tom Durr for that one!) There are some interesting parallels to our very first issue, including a multi-page cartoon synopsis of a big war that is affecting our country. In our inaugural issue, it was one we had started over oil – the first Gulf War in Iraq, launched by the first President Bush. While that war was relatively short and successful, in that it stopped Saddam Hussein from invading Kuwait, it was a precursor to the long and disastrous second Gulf War, launched by Bush I’s son. This issue covers another new war, Russian President Putin’s invasion of Ukraine. The two may have more in common than we’d like to admit: they were both unnecessary wars of choice, resulting in massive suffering and displacement; and they were both largely about resources. While Ukraine isn’t a big oil producer, the invasion is inflating the price of oil, a huge part of the Russian economy. And Ukraine does have the second-biggest known natural gas reserves in Europe, as well as large reserves of lithium and titanium, two very valuable metals in today’s economy. No doubt these facts figured into Putin’s decision to invade. If we humans were half as smart as we like to think we are, we would have built a renewable resource economy by now, with all the infrastructure we needed to get along fine, using just a tiny fraction of the fossil fuels we are dependant on now. In that case, this war would likely never had happened. Of course, we’d have avoided the catastrophe of climate change as well. If we had followed the science from the start (scientist were warning us about global warming as far back as 1980s, and it was theorized decades before that), we wouldn’t have frightening stories popping up every week like the one about huge heat waves occurring at both the north and south poles in March, a full 70 and 50 degrees centigrade above normal, respectively. Anyway, as might be expected with the subject matter, there are a lot of serious cartoons in this issue. War and suffering are not funny, but to their credit, political cartoonists are very good at reporting and commenting in quite poignant ways when they need to. We love the art of editorial cartooning for many reasons, including its versatility. These talented artists consistently produce important work that really impresses. And then, they can whip out outrageously silly stuff that just cracks you up as well. Most importantly, they speak truth to power. We have a free press in this country, which we must never take for granted. Ask Russians right now just how precious it is. So, while this is a “cartoon” newspaper, it is also a review of the news, using graphic commentary to grapple with the issues head on. Of course, we do include a lot of lighter fare, so as to hopefully leave you laughing when you go. You’ll notice there are more ads in this issue, but it is four pages larger. The result is a a couple more pages of cartoons than usual – and all in full-color glory! You can thank the advertisers for that – they made it possible. So, please, patronize them, and let them know the Humor Times sent you! – James Israel, Editor P.S. As a small publication in a challenging economy, we face a perpetual battle to survive. Please consider giving subscriptions, donating or becoming an ongoing patron at Check out our website at https://www.humortimes.com, as well as our subscription subdomain, https://subs.humortimes.com, and please share them widely, using the share buttons provided. Help spread the word that we provide an alternative to boring news coverage! Thank you.
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April, 2022
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HUMOR TIMES
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Volodymyr vs Goliath The Russian president fancies himself a bold leader...
But he’s just a deranged war criminal...
who cannot be trusted.
He lusts only for wealth and power...
and operates like a mafia don.
His only exports are death and destruction...
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who is guiding his beloved Russia to new heights.
and big profits for unconscionable types. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
April, 2022
Putin is finding that the fruits of war are not so sweet…
His opponent is one serious comedian…
and everyone can see the difference.
While Russian state media spins tales of a warm welcome...
and a quick, easy victory...
April, 2022
and that looks can be deceiving.
cocktails for all...
the reality is quite different. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
5
Volodymyr vs Goliath (conclusion)
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Things are not going as planned…
and Putin’s oligarchs are nervous.
The war is affecting the whole world…
and people are trying to help.
But the situation grows dimmer by the day...
and it may not end well.
Here’s hoping for the best possible outcome...
while staying vigilant.
HUMOR TIMES
April, 2022
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HUMOR TIMES
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Puttin’ Out for Putin Vladimir Putin will be remembered for what he is...
just another wretched dictator.
He seems to think brutality equals power...
but he doesn’t really measure up.
He’s losing his grip on reality...
as he descends ever further...
into self-delusion.
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But such a man can be quite dangerous. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
April, 2022
April, 2022
Putin remains closed to any real negotiations...
while pretending to offer safe passage...
but the whole world sees the truth.
For now, sanctions are our main weapon...
but certain Americans are undermining the effort.
They say ol’ Vlad is just misunderstood...
and that it’s their patriotic duty...
to help spread his lies. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
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Puttin’ Out for Putin (conclusion) Trump says he’d do things differently…
and we’ve got no reason to doubt him.
Republican politicians follow the script…
and Fox News pundits reach out...
from their embedded positions.
They insist they’re no different...
from any loyal group...
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that adheres to its principles.
HUMOR TIMES
April, 2022
Uh-oh, NATO
April, 2022
The US and NATO are lending Ukraine a hand…
and it’s making Putin uncomfortable.
But we could do more…
to act like a real super power.
NATO insists a no-fly zone is too risky...
but the alternative is heartbreaking.
It’s a historic moment...
so how will we meet it?
HUMOR TIMES
11
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
‘We Report, You Decry!’ 5th Ave Shooting Over Extra Pickle in Big Mac By Hala Dika Donald Trump strangled a McDonald’s employee to death today, after finding an extra pickle in his Big Mac. He later boasted that it won’t cost him any voters. The incident occurred after the unfortunate young man, not knowing it was Trump’s limo, suggested at the drive-thru that he simply remove the extra pickle himself.
Trump then violently stormed the establishment, demanding to speak to “that fucking little shit working the window!” He then demanded that “this thug” be fired immediately, with his signature Apprentice point and ugly over-bite. The manager said that he could not do that, but assured Mr. Trump that the insulting young man would be chided severely. Not satisfied with this, Trump leapt over the counter, found the boy, grabbed him by the throat, and proceeded to squeeze the life out of him while everyone there just watched, suddenly overtaken with mental and physical paralysis. Witnesses to the murder include; fifteen employees, twenty customers, the Pope; who was grabbing lunch on his way to St. Patrick’s Cathedral; three FBI agents, two CIA agents, four NYPD police officers, and the Second-Coming of Christ. It is unclear whether Trump will be charged with the crime.
“Aren’t they great? The Trans-Siberian Orchestra! You know I could never play them in the White House if Mike Pence was going to be there, he refused to listen to anything with the word ‘Trans’ in it.” “I have incredible news — I’m running for President of Ukraine!” he announced. “Do you mean the country or the Heavy Equipment Rental Company?” asked a reporter, genuinely confused. “Who let that newspaper guy in?” Trump sputtered, “Get him outta here! Nobody’s read a newspaper since Garfield died!”
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Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
In Latest Round of Sanctions, Biden Cancels Putin’s Humor Times Subscription
Trump: Putin Will Be Running Mate in 2024
By Ted Holland, Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network) SNN correspondent Proppah Ghandah reports that President Biden has cancelled Vladimir Putin’s subscription to Humor Times magazine as a major part of the personal sanctions levied against the Russian dictator. Officials at Humor Times headquarters stated that in protest of the Ukrainian invasion, they will not refund Putin’s subscription payment. They also stated that because Putin paid in Russian Rubles, his subscription is only worth six cents. It has been further reported that Putin’s subscriptions to TV Guide and Better Homes and Gardens were also cancelled. Other personal sanctions levied against Mr. Putin include: • He cannot date Martha Raddatz, Jen Psaki or Whoopi Goldberg. • He is forbidden to make March Madness TV commercials with Spike Lee, Charles Barkley and Samuel L Jackson. • He cannot appear on The View or Fox News Channel. • His Sling TV subscription was cancelled. • His membership in The Ukrainian Vodka
By Ted Holland, Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network) On a recent edition of the SNN news magazine show “59 Minutes,” former U.S. President Donald Trump told host Kissi Mybuttski, “If Mike Pence had any balls, I’d still be president. If I had had Vladimir Putin as Vice President, I’d still be president. And that is why I want Putin as my running mate in 2024.”
Putin will miss it, but luckily, the entire free world can still subscribe.
of the Month club was revoked.
• Major League Baseball has cancelled the 2022 season so Putin cannot throw out the first pitch at The New York Mets home opener. • The World Health Organization will declare Putin a pandemic. In a related story, SNN Moscow correspondent Roscoe Siberia reports that Mr. Putin is dispatching his personal assassin Ludmilla The Thrilla to Humor Times headquarters to get his subscription back.
Putin Rebrands McDonald’s as McPutin’s By Ted Holland, Dispatches from SNN The Happy Meal has been replaced by The (Slobovian News Network) Babushki. In an exclusive interview with Moscow Chicken McNuggets has been replaced by correspondent Roscoe Moscow Pigeon Nuggets Siberia, Russian president with vodka sauce. Vladimir Putin unveiled The Breakfast Menu the first of many will be pared down to two counter-sanctions he will items — a Bowl of Gulag unleash against America. Gruel and a Bowl of Gulag Experts warn the Gruel with Blini. abomination may be his The main beverage will biggest war crime yet. be the Big Siberian Ice. Mr. Putin stated that he There will be a variety Overflowing crowds: new restaurant is mandatory for all citizens, who must say has nationalized all 850 of burgers, including the “I’m lovin’ it” to anyone who asks. McDonald’s locations Comrad Burger, the across Russia and rebranded them Cossack Burger, the Stalin Burger, the Lenin “McPutin’s.” Burger and the Trotsky Burger. Putin said he has removed all “scummy” With the Dasvedanya Burger, you get your western items from the menu and replaced choice of a trip to Siberia or a trip to Ukraine. them with “delicious” items of Russian dietary Sides will include a Bowl of Borscht or a culture. Bowl of Goat Stroganoff. The Big Mac has been replaced by The Big Mr. Putin stated that his plans for the Krispy Putin, and will come with a bowl of borscht and Ukrainian Sandwich have hit a snag. Next, Mr. KGB fries. Putin plans to nationalize Starbucks and Visa.
Trump Announces Run for President of Ukraine By Chris O’Leary Donald Trump held a press conference yesterday in front of what he thought was the Ukrainian Embassy, but with Rudy Giuliani in charge of arranging the event, it was actually the parking lot of the U-CRANE Heavy Equipment Rental Co. Trump waited until a loud diesel front-loader was shut off, then took to the makeshift stage while loudspeakers blared an overblown rock anthem by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
Headline News Section
“The cat or the President?” asked the reporter, confounded. “Ignore him, folks. The important thing is I’m running for President of Ukraine and frankly, I’ve already almost won! “It’s been a truly tremendous campaign, and by that I mean the Russian military campaign, and the way it looks, I could be President any day now. Look, the working people of this country need leadership that will go after the Bidens, and I need revenge on the guy with the accent that screwed up my perfect phone call. “And Vlad is a shirtless, dead-eyed genius, and he’s found a way to win elections without getting any votes or spending any money. You have to admire a man like that.” “I can’t win in America, not with that corrupt set of rules called ‘democracy.’ How the hell can that be fair? it’s got the word Democrat right in the name! “You don’t have to be a genius with a high IQ-anon to see that connection! There’s no way a Republican can get elected as long as we have democracy. How would Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden like it if we lived in a system called a ‘Republic’? How would they like that?” At which point a member of the press corps pointed out that we do live in a republic and always have, and that even the Pledge of Allegiance tells you it’s a republic. To which Trump replied, “Well, that’s why I wouldn’t know about it, I’ve never pledged allegiance to anything." Trump signed several “Make Ukraine Great Again” or “MUGA” hats as he left the stage to the sounds of Steamroller. Not the band Mannheim Steamroller, but an actual steamroller at U-CRANE Rental.
Reminded that the vice presidential candidate must be a natural born American citizen, Trump replied, “Putin was born in the same place that Obama was born.” Mr. Trump indicated that some of the things he hopes to accomplish during his second term will be: • Making Russia the 51st state. • Declaring January 6 a national holiday. • Building a wall completely around Mexico. • Declaring Nancy Pelosi a no fly zone. • Kicking the media out of the white house. • Having Putin invade New York State Attorney General Letitia James. • Sending $2,500 stimulus checks to everybody who votes for him. To handle the process for Putin, Trump hired famed lawyers Whoops Lahdedah and O Denise Schoobydoo from the firm of ShoopShoop, Shangalang and Jiggyboppe.
Surgeon General Warning: Humor Times Habit-Forming The U.S. Surgeon General warned readers about the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter, upsetting stomachs. “We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’ but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful, America,” the official said.
Ripping the Headlines Today Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: March Madness 2022: Bracket busters galore Which is why I’ll be watching the NCAA Tournament at home this weekend, as will most of my picks. The European Parliament votes to give Ukraine candidate status in the European Union Big money saver… they just get all the U K e m broi de re d towels and robes left behind by the United Kingdom. An invasive species of spider the size of a child’s hand is expected to “colonize” the entire East Coast this spring by parachuting down from the sky, researchers announced … somebody needs to warn them… It’s National Pi Day A day that seems to go on forever. The Rolling Stones have announced that they’re celebrating 60 years touring by naming their next tour simply “SIXTY” While combined, they don’t look a day over 615. Jussie Smollett in isolation Kind of makes sense; he is most likely to hire someone to hurt himself.
HUMOR TIMES
‘Jeopardy!’ fans are congratulating Ken Jennings on his incredible hosting news It’s one of the few times one gets rewarded for behavior that’s considered questionable. Former CNN anchor Chris Cuomo asked for $125 million for “unlawful” firing As we know, anything in volv ing his brother Andrew is a touchy subject. Ukrainian and Russian ballet dancers to
perform together Songs they’ll dance to: ‘Crimea River’ and ‘Putin’ on the Hits.’ Tucker Carlson leads right wing charge to blame everyone but Putin Look for Tucker’s new show ‘Fox and Comrades.’ Asteroid half the size of a giraffe strikes Earth off the coast of Iceland … that’s sticking your neck out on an estimate. The Ukrainian President is a sitcom star known as Ukraine’s Dad If they’d sent America’s Dad, Bill Cosby would’ve just slipped something into all of Russians drinks.
Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.
April, 2022
Sports Roundup
The Key to
Green Bay’s quarterback is staying put...
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HUMOR TIMES
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The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Pop Singer Britney Spears By Dean Kaner Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews pop star Britney Spears. ANNOUNCER: Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
BRITNEY: No. Just pulling your leg. JERRY: Go shave your head again, you idiot. BRITNEY: Good idea. I won’t have to worry about my hair on a windy day. JERRY: You’re a free woman. After 21 years, you are no longer under a conservatorship by your insane father Jamie Spears. That guy is a few screws short of a hardware store. BRITNEY: Yeah, he is. I struggled for my i n d e pe nd e nc e a ll those years. Locked up in a psych ward, took drugs, divorced twice. JERRY: How about Britney Spears. Photo by steven.i, flickr.com. the time you drove your infant son Sean JERRY DUNCAN: Good morning lison your lap instead of putting him in a car teners nationwide. Is it a good morning? seat? What went through your head? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is BRITNEY: The windshield. pop star Britney Spears. BRITNEY: Duncan, I was on drugs. JERRY: Hello Britney. People who think laughter is the best BRITNEY SPEARS: I’m in love with medicine apparently have never had moryou. phine. JERRY: Really?
JERRY: According to the National Enquirer, you married your childhood friend Jason Alexander in 2004 when you were 25 years old. Then had the marriage annulled. What was the problem? BRITNEY: When we were making love, I kept thinking he was Jason Alexander from Seinfeld. My sex drive went rapidly downhill. JERRY: I get it. That porky little guy gives me the willies. But then you turned around in the same year and married dancer Kevin Federline. BRITNEY: Yep. We had two kids and divorced in 2007. He couldn’t handle my success. I was a big pop star. 5 albums under my belt with hits like Baby One More Time and Oops!…I Did It Again. Music critics called me the “Princess of Pop.” JERRY: Cool. But you lost custody of your kids. Committed to a psych ward. BRITNEY: There was a silver lining. I stunk so bad in the nuthouse that I created my own perfume line. I’d say that’s using the old noodle, Duncan. JERRY: Speaking of perfume. Did you hear about the Chanel CEO who ended up in a mental hospital? BRITNEY: No. Why? JERRY: Because he stopped mak ing scents. BRITNEY: Paris. We have a problem. JERRY: What’s next for Britney Spears? You’ve sold over 150 million records, won a Grammy, 7 Billboard Awards, starred on tele vision and Broadway. BRITNEY: I want to get married. I’m looking for the perfect man. The problem is men find it difficult to make eye contact. Breasts don’t have eyes, Duncan. BRITNEY : Duncan, Duncan! What are you staring at? JERRY: You’ll be searching a lifetime, Brit. See you tomorrow. The Jerry Duncan Show (c) Dean B. Kaner
Choose: Authoritarianism or Democracy? In this country, you have a major political party that has completely gone off the deep end. They’re literally setting up a playbook where they can overturn the results of an election through the laws they’re are passing at the state level. And if Trump does come back… and even if he loses, maybe they’ll suc ceed this time overturning the result. They will start from such a more advanced authoritarian posi tion than even in 2016 when he was elected. There’s a lot of reason to be concerned that the overall trajectory of society globally is still moving in the wrong direction. What makes me optimistic, though, is that I don’t believe that that’s how most people want to live. And I also find, in most places – not all places, but most places – generationally, there’s an over whelm ing preference to not live like that. If we can hold the line and weather the storm for the next few years, and begin to figure out some structural things like, I do think we can come through in the backend to a place where the pendulum starts swinging pretty hard in the other direction. — Ben Rhodes on his book, After the Fall: Being American in the World We’ve Made. (Interview: fsi.stanford.edu)
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HUMOR TIMES
April, 2022
Inflated Inflation Americans are shocked...
and need help...
because gas prices are artificially high.
Inflation is a problem everywhere...
and it’s more than an inconvenience.
Climate change is affecting people’s budgets...
and income disparity is getting more extreme...
April, 2022
so somebody should do something.
HUMOR TIMES
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The Hightower Lowdown
Dems
A Rube Goldberg Inflationary Spiral
As Biden tries to strike the right tone…
he’s keeping an eye on his nominee’s hearings.
Meanwhile, Andrew Cuomo is trying to make a comeback…
It seems like the price of everything from used cars to ground beef is up these days, and right-wing politicos and pundits are all over President Joe Biden for failing to stop the pain. But one wonders: What would these GOP squawkers do if they were in charge? Just look back to 1974, when families were pummeled by a one-two punch of raging inflation and crushing joblessness. Price spikes then topped 12%, nearly double what we’re enduring today — and President Gerald Ford and his Republican contingent in Congress met the challenge head on with a new program of economic uplift: “WIN”! But, in fact, “Whip Inflation Now” was just a political slogan and a magic button with no magic and no action behind it. Price controls? Jawboning? Antitrust action? No, no, that would’ve been so FDR/HST/LBJ-ish, and GOP, Inc., didn’t want to offend, much less punish, corporate titans for a little profiteering. Ford went on national TV to sell WIN. “I pledge to my follow citizens,” he solemnly intoned, “that I will buy, when possible, only those products and services priced at or below present levels.” The core of the Republican “program,” then, was telling hard-hit wage earners to battle the monopolistic behemoths of Big Oil, Big Pharma, Big Food, et al., on their own by simply refusing to pay inflated prices for the gasoline, medicines, groceries and such that — hellllooooo — they had to have. In exchange for that economic gut punch, everyone who signed a form promising Gerry Ford they would be an “Inflation Fighter” received a nifty WIN button, indicating their patriotic participation. Sure enough, Americans responded enthusiastically — with an avalanche of ridicule. Even Ford’s own top economic adviser, Alan Greenspan, who was in a White House meeting when the WIN initiative was first revealed to senior advisers, joined the skeptics: “It was surreal. …I said to myself. ‘This is unbelievable stupidity. What am I doing here?’” So, here we are 48 years later, caught in another fog of inflationary surrealism, with Republican leaders (abetted by a couple of Democratic senatorial flakes) doubling down on unbelievable stupidity. But this time we don’t even get a button. What we are getting is a pot of warmed-over right-wing political mush boiled down to a talking point: “It’s Biden’s fault.” Last July, several GOP senators combined their 5-watt intellects to charge that inflation was rising because of the “insane tax and spending spree of President Biden and the Democrats.” Never mind that the “insane” spending was for such sensible and enormously popular national needs as child care and jobless benefits; Sen. Mitch McConnell’s rabidly partisan flock saw the chance to weaponize the
JIM HIGHTOWER public’s legitimate worries about rising prices. “You poor consumers,” they wailed, “are being made to pay more for basics like groceries and gasoline because of ‘Socialist Joe’s’ investments in grassroots people.” Follow the ricocheting pinball of the GOPs logic: No. 1: They say that helping hard-hit families induces them to refuse to go to work; No. 2: this creates blockages in the global supply chain; No. 3: this causes shortages of everything; No. 4: this “forces” corporate bosses to raise all prices; which, No. 5: slams the middle class and poor; so, No. 6: lazy workers cause inflation. Whew! Rube Goldberg couldn’t have dreamed up a more fantastical diagram for obscuring a straightforward economic power grab. In reality, America’s inflation problem is actually a corporate greed problem. Of course, the greedmeisters and their apologists are deeply offended by this charge, huffing that their pursuit of corporate profit has not driven any price surges. In our economy of free market competition, they snap, consumer prices are established by the Holy Law of Supply and Demand. They lecture that when shortages occur, prices naturally rise, and that incentivizes additional production, which magically establishes a new supply/demand balance. Even if one producer or a monopolistic cabal of producers tries to overcharge consumers, these theoretical new competitors will draw customers from the gougers and keep prices in check. In the sanctuary of this concept, the free market is a virtuous, self-regulating circle of competitive fairness. But there’s one big problem with their virtuous circle: It’s a fraud that implodes when it hits the hard reality that our economy doesn’t remotely resemble a competitive marketplace. Nearly every economic sector in the U.S. (from high tech to farm and food) has been locked down by a handful of overpowering corporate giants. For some 40 years, corporate-directed government policies have intentionally promoted (even subsidized) megamergers; gleefully greenlighted anticompetitive business tactics; and aggressively inculcated and celebrated the economic lie that bigger is better. Thus, in short order and with practically no public awareness, much less discussion, America has been transformed into Monopoly Nation.
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but the former NY mayor’s former constituents are staying put.
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HUMOR TIMES
April, 2022
When Right is Wrong Republican politicians are fighting mad…
and determined to stand their ground.
The Texas AG is a party stalwart…
who is teaming up with his guv to “make a difference.”
The trucker convoy continued on the road to nowhere...
while attending to unfinished business.
April, 2022
and Trump started his very own Twitter...
Meanwhile, yet another too-late/tell-all book came out.
HUMOR TIMES
19
Miscellaneous Mischief
20
HUMOR TIMES
April, 2022
April, 2022
HUMOR TIMES
21
Don’t Say Florida
Lying Bigly
Florida’s elected representatives have certain standards…
should never be questioned, say some.
which they love to impose on others.
It’s a fight that will continue…
It’s just business as usual…
because nobody should be above the law.
for the “big tent” party.
22
Destroying voting rights to save them…
HUMOR TIMES
April, 2022
April, 2022
HUMOR TIMES
23
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