Humor Times, Aug. 09

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HUMOR TIMES

August, 2009

Editor’s Letter The hypocrisy is stunning. And it’s in full display. Where? Where else – Washington, D.C. Pick almost any issue. With health care, we’ve got U.S. Senators who benefit from possibly the best health care system in the world – one they don’t pay a penny for – working hard to deny the rest of America pretty much any improvement to our sorry, bloated system which lies in critical condition at their doorstep.

With 72% of the country in support of Obama’s plan, you’d think they’d have to capitulate.

They are, after all, supposed to be representing us. Not so. Because, while they are supposed to be representing the people, they actually represent their biggest campaign donors – in this case, the insurance industry.

When it comes to the issue of torture, Obama himself is being hypocritical. He campaigned hard for the office he holds by telling us how transparent he would make his White House and the law in general. But now he’s working to keep things hidden – the extent of the Bush administration’s involvement in condoning torture, the process of trying the prisoners (he even wants to reserve the right to keep them in prison if they are found innocent by the court system!), and the way stimulus funds are spent – even though he promised to let the sun shine on that as well. The list goes on.

Then there is the humongous elephant in the room – the Republican elephant, to be precise.

Yeah, you know – that “family values” party? Riiight. The hypocrisy of these “stalwarts of piety” who constantly preach that “marriage is a sacred bond” is positively staggering. One after another is found to be having sex and/or affairs in direct defiance of the “sacred oaths” they took, often with members of the same sex. And yet, we’re supposed to believe them when they say they oppose gay marriage and gays in the military because it’s “immoral”? Puhlease!

Oh well, I guess I shouldn’t complain – after all, these liars are probably keeping us in business! So much great fodder for political satire! So, thanks, Washington. But, could you folks please just deliver on one or two things we sent you there for? That would be nice, for a change.

– James Israel, Publisher/editor

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Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lane, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Jim Siergey, Tab, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email.

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August, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

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Health Care on Life Support Obama is determined... but so are insurance lobbyists.

They’re wining and dining their congress members... and using every scare tactic in the book.

They insist no one should stand in the way... of their bottom line. (continued)

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HUMOR TIMES

August, 2009

Opponents say Obama’s plan is too expensive... and that it will jeopardize patient care.

Republicans insist that they can do it better... and that time is on their side.

Meanwhile, people try to make do... and hope that Congress will see the light.

August, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

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On Democracies and Hybrids Grading Democracy on a Curve I want to take this time to congratulate the Iranian people for upgrading to a participatory government where they feel empowered enough to take to the streets to complain. For those of you who were too busy digging under bushes for returnable bottle deposits, there was major rioting going on in the country formerly known as Persia, due to their sneaking suspicion of rampant voter fraud. Hundreds of thousands risked arrest, death and worse demonstrating their shock at the corruption of their leaders. Of course, here in the US, we’ve learned to take that sort of thing in stride and grade on a curve.

The election results in dispute found Members Only aficionado Mahmoud Ahmadinejad winning the Presidency with 63% of the vote. Well, there’s your problem right there. Mahmoud, baby. You want to rig an election, you don’t claim 63%. You squeak by with 51%. Didn’t you guys learn anything from Karl Rove? At least let the other guy appear to win his home district.

After all, he’s not Al Gore.

In that knee-jerk manner as peculiar to totalitarian regimes as bikini waxing is to cast members of “Gossip Girl,” Iranian authorities blamed America for the unrest. That’s right. We’re responsible for their amateurish rigging of a phony election. They may have a point. In a way, it is our fault. Re-repressing a popul a c e a f t e r t h e y ’ v e Tw i t t e r e d a n d F aceb o o k ed a n d Tranny-Shacked is like trying to stuff the subjugation toothpaste back into the tube. Best way is to razor the nozzle off, cram the

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domination back in with a rubber spatula then staple the nozzle back onto to the tube. Which is a bit unwieldy. But much easier when not exposed to the sun guns of the Western media.

Of course, it’s not like the dissident challenger, former prime minister, Mir Hossein Moussavi, is a raging capitalist. We keep referring to him as a moderate, but in Iran, a moderate is any Shi’ite who’s run out of bullets. Another inconvenient truth.

Even if the election is overturned (about as likely as the eventual victory celebration being held at an Irish pub), you might want to hold off on sending that Constitutional Starter Kit. Don’t think they’re quite ready for a string of NRA chapters is all I’m saying. Just to get on the ballot over there you need the okay of the Supreme Leader. And there’s another problem. How free and open is your election really when you have to clear your candidacy with somebody called Supreme Leader? Sounds like the eternal adversary of Moose and Squirrel.

The Supreme Leader in question is Ayatollah Khamenei, a totally different despot than the Ayatollah Khomeini but they do share the same bar ber. In re sponse to the massive officially-banned protests, Khamenei recanted his initial rubber stamp of the election and called upon the 12 member Council of Guardians to investigate the vote. Unh-hunh. Oh yeah. That’s going to help. Kind of like putting the 2000 Florida election into the impartial hands of one of the candidate’s brothers.

Of course, one big difference is, in Iran, when they talk about hanging chads, they’re not referring to cardboard punchouts, but

HUMOR TIMES

WILL DURST foreign journalists named Chad. Pretty sure they have hanging Jeremys and hanging Rogers as well. Not to mention a soon-to-be veritable rash of hanging Mir Hosseins.

DC Pious Minivan One of the biggest joys of the open road is its pure democracy.

Bentleys and Pintos idling side by side at the same red light.

Limos, BMWs, Fords and those little enh cars that look like they’ve been squashed between two big rigs, all subject to the same speed traps, congestion and potholes big enough to swallow locomotive engines. Valet attendants who can be reliably counted on to scrounge around gloveboxes for loose change while burning an eighth of an inch of rubber off of high-end Pirellis and cheap Chinese retreads with total egalitarianism.

That is not to say that all cars are created equal. With the license comes the knowledge of which ones to avoid getting stuck behind driving uphill cross town in traffic. Elderly drivers wearing hats rank high on the list. Tinted glass is right up there, as well as any ride sporting bass vibrations rippling the back windows.

Hummers most especially, but any gas guzzling SUV with their thick-headed tank-like attitude clogging our paved arterials like permanent transfusions of liquid pork fat on wheels.

Conversely, there’s the Toyota Prius. It’s not the automobile that rankles. A sensible car. The car of tomorrow. Today! No, not the vehicle, rather the people in the driver’s seats that make you want to drag a body out from behind the wheel and knock it in the head with giant plastic inflatable cartoon hammers and make “thunk, thunk, thunk” noises till the tolls come down. Political correctness and piloting a one and a half ton piece of sculpted steel traveling 88 feet per second go together like little league practice and freeway median strips.

These are the same people who 30 years ago drove VW Vans, and though they now wallow in luxury options such as antennas and floorboards, their former tenuous command of the road has disintegrated badly and they appear flummoxed by this new horsepower dealie thing. Not to mention, the quietude, which has to be unnerving. And isn’t it a shame these beautifully designed $25K Japanese machines arrived on our shores sans turn signals?

But we cannot in good conscious anoint the Priutics with the imprimatur of Worst Drivers on the Road. That recognition has been meritoriously earned by the countless screeching veers caused by a vast fleet of clueless Minivan drivers shifting aimlessly across our byways. Prius drivers think they are the Messiah, but Minivan drivers know they have been charged with the greater responsibility of shepherding many tiny snot nosed Messiahs to and from band practice. Talk about mobile germ labs.

While Prius drivers make sane folk honk and curse and pound dashes in frustration due to turning left from the center lane and stopping for no apparent reason and refusing to turn right on red, minivan drivers will do all this, only slower and you can’t see around them. What I’m saying is, if Toyota ever makes a Prius Minivan, do not even think of leaving your driveway. And if you live near DC when that happens, you best remain parked safely in bed.

Will Durst is a San Francisco based political comic who writes sometimes. This is one of them.

August, 2009

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August, 2009

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The ‘Family Values’ Party Republican congressmen have really let loose... some say maybe just a bit too loose.

There’s a lot of soul searching going on... not to mention drama.

Time will heal, but... a new breed of candidate is called for.

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HUMOR TIMES

August, 2009

Calling It Quits, Maverick Style Sarah Palin continues to amaze... as she moves on to new horizons.

She insists it’s a good move... but she’s disappointed some people.

It ain’t exactly what the GOP needed right now... and everyone is wondering what’s next.

August, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

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Quotable Quotes According to one poll after another, a majority of Americans not only want a public option in health care, they also think that growing inequality is bad for the country, that corporations have too much power over policy, that money in politics is the root of all evil, and that working families and poor communities need and deserve public support when the market fails to generate shared prosperity. But when the insiders in Washington finish tearing worthy intentions apart and devouring flesh from bone, none of these reforms happen. Oh, they say, “it’s all about compromise, all in the nature of the give-and-take of representative democracy.” That, people, is bull — the basic nutrient of Washington’s high and mighty.

It’s not about compromise. It’s not about what the public wants. It’s about money, the golden ticket to “the select few who actually get it done.” And nothing will change. Nothing. Until the money-lenders are tossed out of the temple, and we tear down the sign they’ve placed on government — the one that reads: “For sale.”

– Bill Moyers, on PBS’ Bill Moyers Journal, 6-10-09 All periods of profound change occur in a crisis. It was a crisis that brought us the New Deal, now largely dismantled by the corporate state. It was also a crisis that gave the world Adolf Hitler and Slobodan Milosevic. We can go in either direction.

Events move at the speed of light when societies and cultural assumptions break down. There are powerful forces, which have no commitment to the open society, ready to seize the moment to snuff out the last vestiges of democratic egalitarianism...

Cor po rate ide ol ogy, em bod ied in neo-conservatism, has seeped into the attitudes of most self-described liberals. It champions unfettered capitalism and globalization as eternal. This is the classic tactic that power elites use to maintain themselves. The loss of his tori cal memory, which “balanced and objective” journalism promotes, has only contributed to this fantasy. But the fantasy, despite the desperate raiding of taxpayer funds to keep the corporate system alive, is now coming undone.

The lie is being exposed...

The battle ahead will be fought outside the journalistic mainstream... The old forms of journalism are dying or have sold their soul to corporate manipulation and celebrity culture. We must now wed fact to rhetoric. We must appeal to reason and emotion.

We must not be afraid to openly take sides, to speak, photograph or write on behalf of the disempowered.

– Chris Hedges, Truthdig.com, 6-30-09

The Hightower Lowdown Free Food for the Picking Years ago, a young, sorta-hippyish couple who lived nearby knocked on my front door.

They had noticed that fig trees in my side yard were laden with ripening fruit. “If you’re not going to pick all the figs for yourself,” asked the couple, “could we harvest some of them?” Sure, I said, have at ‘em. About a week later, to my delight, I found at my doorstep a nice surprise: two sparkling jars of fig jam.

A little common neighborliness can be delicious, in so many ways.

I remembered this happy fig exchange recently when I read that a fast-growing, underground fruit economy is spreading in cities across America. Well, the movement is underground, but – like my figs – the fruit is in plain sight.

“Urban fruit foraging” is a grassroots phenomenon that has arisen spontaneously as local folks have taken a look around their neighborhoods and suddenly noticed that yard after yard contains all sorts of trees bearing a cornucopia of apples, plums, pears, oranges, peaches, loquats, pecans, avocados, lemons, mulberries, pomegranates ... and so much more. The “aha” moment comes when these folks realize that most of this abundance goes unpicked.

So, rather than just let it rot, why not find new ways to gather, distribute and share this free food with the larger community? From coast to coast, people are doing exactly that, with each group finding their own clever ways to spread the concept of “public fruit.”

One of the simplest is in Oakland, Calif., where neighbors created a small exchange they

call Forage Oakland. Some 200 people have signed up – those with lemon trees, for example, open their yards for harvest when the fruit ripens; in exchange, they get access to other yards when their fruits come in.

The Portland Fruit Tree Project in Oregon, an all-volunteer group, maintains an online registry (including maps) of about 300 edible trees across the city. Noting that a family can only eat so many pounds of a tree’s fruit production, one of the project’s organizers points out, “A fruit tree is really made for sharing.”

Here’s how the sharing happens in Portland: A couple of weeks before the fruits or nuts in a particular yard are ready for picking, the registered owner notifies the group, which schedules a harvesting party; volunteers arrive, the communal picking is done, and the bounty is divvied – half to the volunteers and half to local food pantries.

The project also conducts workshops, holds “pruning parties” and offers hands-on “preservation parties” to teach canning, drying and other ways to extend nature’s bounty.

Another approach is to grow more public fruit by planting trees in city spaces and vacant lots. Urban Orchards in Boston, for example, has planted hundreds of fruit and nut trees across the metro area, and the Philadelphia Orchard Project is turning abandoned inner-city lots into orchards. This not only beautifies and humanizes blighted neighborhoods, but also provides nutritional relief in areas that locals call a “food desert,” where only junk food had been sprouting.

Good eats are only the most obvious benefit

JIM HIGHTOWER of the urban foraging movement. It’s also a powerful way of connecting people to nature, to each other and to the American ethic of sharing with our community. It’s a modern expression of an ageless idea: We’re all in this together.

A century ago, Jim Hogg, one of only a handful of really good governors that my state of Texas has produced, practiced this idea of the common good all the way to his grave. In lieu of a tombstone atop his eternal resting place, Hogg asked that a pecan tree be planted at the head of the grave and a walnut at the foot, directing that the fruit of the trees “be given out among the plain people, and make Texas a land of trees.”

Maybe you’d like to spread your own community’s abundance. If so, here are a few websi tes t o hel p y ou get go i ng: forageoakland.blogspot.com, portlandfruit.org, earthworksboston.org, phillyorchards.org, fallenfruit.org and neighborhoodfruit.com.

“The larger problem continues to be the ad min is tra tion’s habit of con flat ing the health of the Wall Street economy with the health of the real economy – when, in fact, the two economies have become decoupled. The Dow may be up 30% since March, but the numbers that matter most to everyday Americans continue to tell a very different tale. –Arianna Huffington, Huffington Post.com, June 18, 2009

Not only are the Republicans – and some Democrats – standing against the desires for 72 percent of the population but, in effect, they also are trying to lock in 119 million unhappy customers for a profit-making industry. To add another windfall for the insurance industry, Congress may compel the near 50 million uninsured to buy insurance under penalty of fines.

Even in the sorry history of special-interest-dominated Washington, it is rare for politicians to so blatantly adopt defense of a private industry over the will of the people.

– Rob ert Parry, Con sor tium News, 6-22-09 Hemp is an excellent source of biomass, or renewable, carbon-neutral energy, and its cellulose level, roughly three times that of wood, can be used for paper to avoid cutting down trees, an important line of defense against global warming.

When it comes to hemp, environmental gains are inexorably intertwined with economic ones.

– Dara Colwell, AlterNet, 6-18-09

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“We Report, You Decry!”

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Sanford: ‘I’m Too Sexy for My State’

Palin’s Shocker: Hosting New Talk Show

Latest statement stirs controversy

A Humor Times Exclusive Former Alaskan Governor and Vice-Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin stunned pundits and fans alike in July when she announced her resignation, but has topped that with a real zinger today. Speculation flew for weeks as to hidden motives for the seemingly bizarre move, yet no one could guess at what has now been revealed.

At a press conference held on a hunting trip in Alaska, Ms. Palin told invited reporters that she has agreed to host a new talk show, slated to begin next fall. The show, tentatively titled “Railin’ Palin,” will feature the ex-governor “railing” on the issues, and will compete directly with Jay Leno’s new spot on NBC, even debuting the same week.

While Mr. Leno will continue to broadcast from his longtime studio in Burbank, Calif., Ms. Palin’s show is expected to be based in Houston, Texas. “We considered having the show in New York, like Letterman, but that is not where Sa-

Lashing out at crit ics who have called for his resignation, an unrepentant Gov. Mark Sanford released a statement today in di cat ing that he mi ght b e “too sexy” for his crit ics to Sanford: Too sexy for staid handle.

South Carolina.

“I’m too sexy for my state, too sexy for my state, so sexy I can’t wait,” the statement read in full.

Mr. Sanford’s latest outburst has motivated an “emergency intervention” on the part of two former elected officials, former Gov. Elliot Spitzer of New York and former Sen. John Edwards of North Carolina.

“What we did was wrong, but at least we shut our fucking pieholes about it,” Mr. Spitzer said.

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

Chris Hansen Shunned from Jackson Memorial LOS ANGELES - Though he cleared all appointments and bought a new black suit, Chris Hansen was disappointed to find out that he was not invited to Michael Jackson’s memorial service.

The host of Dateline NBC’s “To Catch a Predator” is a long time Michael Jackson fan, and had tried for years to set up a one-on-one meeting with the King of Pop. Hansen’s many attempts to set up the meeting via PR agents, record labels, Craigslist and internet chat rooms were unsuccessful.

“I’m starting to feel rather unwelcome,” complained Hansen. “He also did not invite me to any of his birthday parties or sleepovers.”

The list of events Hansen has not been invited to includes parties hosted by Jerry Lee Lewis and Woody Allen, as well as many Catholic weddings.

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

Jackson Family Demands Second Audit Michael Jackson’s family have demanded a second assessment of the star’s finances because they still have questions about what the fuck happened to all his money.

Jackson’s relatives are said to want answers from the singer’s personal accountant, which has since disappeared leaving only a holiday brochure for the Maldives.

Rev Jesse Jackson, who is a family friend, said: “What in the name of God, Jesus, Muhammad and Abraham did that guy spend his money on? He earned almost a billion dollars and all that’s left is a suitcase full of toys and a jar of peanut butter. What the hell did he do with it?

Was he using $100 bills for toilet paper?”

Jackson’s estate is estimated to be $500 million in debt, with assets barely covering that.

Once legal fees and payouts to creditors and benefactors are taken care of, the family expect there to be around 78 cents left in the pot.

Reported by thestupidtimes.blogspot.com

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Ex-governor given slot opposite Leno, before Letterman on CBS rah’s strongest base of support is,” said the show’s producer, William Stuckle.

And while Leno is expected to retain many of the most popular elements of his “Tonight Show,” including bits like “Headlines” and “Jay Walking,” some segments being planned for “Railin’ Palin” are: “Palinspeak,” wherein view ers will be treated to her latest inventive turns of phrase and “That Darn Elite Press,” a humorous segment that “will provide a platform for “poking a little light-hearted fun at that lying, conniving, elitist press.”

During her press conference, Ms. Palin revealed one other segment planned for the show.

In between pot shots taken at exhausted wolves chased for miles by her hired helicopter, she said, “Of course, I’ll be cracking jokes at Mr. Letterbub’s expense every night – let’s see how he likes it.” Asked to give a hint of the nature of the jokes, Palin responded, “I’ll say things like

Gov. Palin: “See, I told you I wasn’t quitting!”

his six year old son has gotten little girls pregnant – you know, funny stuff like that.”

She went on, saying, “Since that ol’ Department of Law there in the White House refuses to prosecute Mr. Lesserman for his libels on my daughters, I’ll just be my maverick self and use my own motherly instincts to protect them, by using Letterdude’s own tactics right back at him. I’m looking forward to it – you betcha!”

Iranian Officials: Nothing to See Here Violent protests actually ‘joyous celebrations,’ claims statement TEHRAN, IRAN – Iranian officials re leased a statement to day exp r e s s i n g disappointment in the continued meIranians “celebrate.” dia misrepresentation of many joy ous cel ebra tions as violent protests.

The Iranian Minister of Communications, Fawzhid Mouhma, said, “Celebrating openly hand-in-hand with the police is the way of our passionate citizens. The many YouTube videos are not protests. They are energetic displays of love and affection between the police and people.”

The Minister further explained the alleged exploding tear gas bombs are actually Febreze packets of soothing springtime floral scent donated by the government to the people.

Further information from Iranian state television states that all cases of alleged police brutality

are actually gentle administering of deep tissue shiatsu massage. “It is wonderful to see people laying on the ground completely relaxed after a thorough massage,” Mouhma said.

In several Twitter messages, Iranian officials also noted that it is a time-honored tradition for Iranian citizens to throw wonderful gifts at the police in appreciation for their hard work. From a distance the gifts look somewhat like simple rocks but they are actually hand-made ornate carvings and beautiful ceramic heirlooms. Harder and more frequently thrown gifts indicate the highest level of gratitude and appreciation. The more gifts the police receive, the more scented Febreze canisters they give back to the community.

In his closing statement the Minister compared the Iranian celebrations of joy to American celebrations following major sporting events in large cities like Detroit or on many college campuses.

“The celebrations are similar in many ways. With fires, turned over cars, gifts thrown at police, and so on. It is all in the name of great joy and love.”

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

New England Journal of Medicine Reports Mental Health Epidemic Among Republican Governors Erratic Behaviors Cited A new study published today in the New England Journal of Medicine warns of a “mental health epidemic” afflicting the nation’s Republican governors.

According to the study, the symptoms of the epidemic include “bizarre, uncontrollable behaviors” and “grandiose self-idealations,” including an impulse to compare oneself to biblical figures.

The study also says that the mental disorder is manifest in “erratic, incoherent” speech and a syn-

drome akin to Tourette “in which the patient does not appear to know when to stop talking.”

There are other worrisome symptoms, such as “geographical dislocation,” in which the afflicted person may think he is hiking in North America when he is actually having sex in South America.

Finally, and most troubling according to the study, the patient “may speak in basketball analogies that have meaning to no one but the speaker.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

Comedians Mourn Palin Resignation Moments after Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced her resignation from office, comedians from coast to coast held candlelight vigils to mourn what one comic called “a devastating loss.”

“To say that we are heartbroken is a massive understatement,” said Shecky Sheinbaum, a regular headliner at Cincinnati’s Laugh Hut. “I feel like the chicken crossing the road has been run

over by a truck before it gets to the other side.”

Mr. Sheinbaum echoed the words of many comics when he said “the world of comedy has lost one of its greatest targets.”

“We have gone though a rough couple of weeks,” he said. “First Michael Jackson, now this.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

HUMOR TIMES

Madoff to Share Cell with O.J. Juice: ‘Not just cellmates, soulmates’ In what some are calling a match made in TMZ heaven, con victed fraudster Bernard Madoff has been transferred to the federal correctional facility in Lovelock, Nevada where he will share a prison cell with former football great O.J. Simpson.

Madoff’s new cellmate can relate.

According to Mr. Simpson, the pairing of the two men made perfect sense: “I guess they wanted the two innocent guys in this place to be together.”

The convicted Ponzi schemer could face some tough times in Lovelock, which is known to house members of a vicious Palm Beach gang, the Gefilte Kings.

Mr. Madoff and the former Heisman Trophy winner reportedly hit it off well, with Mr. Simpson tell ing re port ers, “We’re not just cellmates - we’re soulmates.”

In a sign of their burgeoning friendship, Mr. Simpson said, the former football star has vowed to help Mr. Madoff “search for the real swindlers.”

Reported by Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate. Andy has a new book on sale, “Who Moved My Soap? The CEO’s Guide to Surviving in Prison: The Bernie Madoff Edition,” $9.95 at Amazon.com.

August, 2009

The Last Moonwalk The King of Pop has moved on...

but some things remain the same.

There are sure to be all kinds of repercussions...

now that he has left the building for good.

He’s done his last moonwalk...

August, 2009

and it’s time to say goodbye.

HUMOR TIMES

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Hope vs. Fear in Iran In Iran, the election results could not be disputed... because it was Allah’s will.

History is being made... in more ways than one.

Meanwhile, the GOP chastised Obama... for not handling it the “right” way.

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HUMOR TIMES

August, 2009

Depressing Situation Wall Street doesn’t really get it...

and they’re not used to playing by any rules.

America is on shaky ground...

and the stimulus seems like too little...

too late...

August, 2009

as patience begins to wear thin.

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Good Enough, Smart Enough and Doggone It, Finally In! The other senator from Minnesota was finally seated...

Al Franken wants to make a big impression...

but Republicans are not amused.

They need some reassuring...

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and the picture is now complete.

but their fears are probably ungrounded.

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2009

Argus Sez

ARGUS HAMILTON

President Obama was photographed admiring the rear end of a beautiful teenage girl in Italy at the Group of Eight summit. There’s a simple explanation. Hillary Clinton didn’t go on the trip but Bill Clinton’s still acting as an unofficial adviser.

mentioned the law it embarrassed the Democrats and bringing up fidelity was a cheap shot at Republicans.

The Running of the Bulls was held in Spain and ten people were trampled fleeing wild bulls down the street. It’s senseless and bloody and you can’t take your eyes off it. Every nation has its version of Supreme Court confirmation hearings.

Justice David Souter was set to retire from the Supreme Court in July. For the first time in history there will not be an Episcopalian on the court. The two-hundred-year tradition of adjourning every summer for the British Open is seriously in danger.

The U.S. Senate began Supreme Court confirmation hearings for Judge Sonia Sotomayor. She’d replace David Souter. Her confirmation would put six Catholics on the Supreme Court, making it only one-third less Catholic than the College of Cardinals.

Sarah Palin announced in her resignation speech that Alaska is better off with her out of the governor’s office. She’s clearing her schedule for bigger things. She’s this close to announcing her children would be much better off raised by wolves.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor told the U.S. Senate her judicial philosophy is one of fidelity to the law. She may never get confirmed. When she

Jaguar introduced its new XJ sedan made out of recycled aluminum. It’s sure to be a favorite in Hollywood. You can drive a 100 mph, then tell the cop that the smell of alcohol is coming from the recycled beer cans in the door panel.

Michael Jackson’s father Joe told ABC how he raised the Jackson Five in Indiana. He admits whipping his sons during rehearsals when they missed a step. He said the family couldn’t afford both a choreographer and an overseer.

President Obama chose Alabama doctor Regina Benjamin to be the next U.S. Surgeon General. It’s getting complicated. She will answer to the drug czar, who answers to the health czar, who answers to the immortality czar, who answers to the Romanoffs.

The Treasury Department announced that the U.S. budget deficit has topped one trillion dollars for the first time in history. We are so deep in the hole that it’s starting to look like a secret plan to invade China.

August, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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August, 2009

More Mischief

August, 2009

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Pay phones get warning stickers - No drug dealing Calgary – Warning stickers are being placed on some pay phones in Calgary in a bid to keep drug dealers from using them for criminal activities. The stickers will be put on 30 pay phones as part of a pilot project.

“Our public telephones have been an ongoing issue in our communities and were being used by drug dealers to communicate anonymously,” Ald. John Mar said in a statement.

Furthermore, pay phone users will be able to dial only 911 between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. The pilot program is based on a similar one in California where the stickers carry a similar warning.

Social Security Execs Cost Taxpayers $700,000 for Lavish Conference Phoenix, Arizona – Claiming they needed to learn how to reduce stress because of a growing number of death threats being made against them, nearly 700 executives from the Social Security Administration gathered for a lavish three-day conference in Phoenix, AZ last week, costing taxpayers about $700,000.

The conference, which included a performance by a motivational dance company, was held at the Arizona Biltmore, a hotel described as the “Jewel of the Desert” with an oasis of 39 acres of lush gardens, swimming pools and a golf course. SSA executives were invited to join in the dancing.

No word yet on whether lavishing themselves at taxpayer expense will increase or decrease the death threats, and thus the stress they were seeking to relieve.

“Son Of Jesus,” Beats Children With 2-by-4 MANCHESTER – A local man, who police said spent a portion of his morning reading the Bible before running into the street screaming he was “the son of Jesus” and beating several people with a 2-by-4, is to be arraigned this morning in Superior Court in Manchester. Police suspect Ruben Vasquez Jr., 24, was “on something” as he allegedly assaulted two men and two children, age 1 and 3, and a police officer.

Man Charged $23 Quadrillion for Pack of Cigarettes MANCHESTER, New Hampshire – A New Hampshire man says he swiped his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes and was charged over 23 quadrillion dollars. Josh Muszynski checked his account online a few hours after the purchase and saw the 17-digit number – a stunning $23,148,855,308,184,500 – a number that rivals that of the national debt.

What’s more, two other cases of the $23 quadrillion charge showed up on credit card statements for packs of cigarettes in Memphis, Tenn. and Texas.

We knew taxes on cigarettes were going up, but this is ridiculous.

Homeowner Wants Texas Oil Tycoon T. Boone Pickens Charged With Theft Oklahoma City, Oklahoma – As a youngster, Texas oil tycoon T. Boone Pickens scratched his name in wet concrete in the driveway of his grandmother’s Oklahoma house. Now the man who owns the century-old home is pursuing theft and vandalism charges against the 81-year-old billionaire, saying workers for Pickens came to the house recently without permission and removed the concrete slab with the well-known name.

David McCart, who bought the two-story, 17-room home in Holdenville nearly 20 years ago – partly because of Pickens’ signature – said he went to the property to mow the grass on June 22 and noticed the 3-by-5-foot slab was missing. “It’s really the arrogance of it that bothers me,” McCart said Tuesday. “They just cut the whole section out.”

All-pet airline takes off New York – On Tuesday, the first flight for the husband-and-wife team’s Pet Airways, the first-ever all-pet airline, took off from Republic Airport in Farmingdale, N.Y. The last four years have been spent designing their fleet of five planes according to new four-legged requirements, dealing with FAA regulations and setting up airport schedules.

All commercial airlines allow a limited number of small pets to fly in the cabin. Others must travel as checked bags or in the cargo hold – a dark and sometimes dangerous place where temperatures can vary wildly.

Binder and Wiesel say they’re overwhelmed with the response. Flights on Pet Airways are already booked up for the next two months.

Military Robots May Feed on Dead Bodies Maryland – It could be a combination of 19th-century mechanics, 21st-century technology – and a 20th-century horror movie.

A Maryland company under contract to the Pentagon is working on a steam-powered robot that would fuel itself by gobbling up whatever organic material it can find – grass, wood, old furniture, even dead bodies. The advantages to the military are that the robot would be extremely flexible in fuel sources and could roam on its own for months, even years, without having to be refueled or serviced.

Robotic Technology Inc.’s Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot – that’s right, “EATR” – will be powered by the Waste Heat Engine developed

by Cyclone Power Technology of Pompano Beach, Fla., which uses an “external combustion chamber” burning up fuel to heat up water in a closed loop, generating electricity.

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HUMOR TIMES

August, 2009

August, 2009

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