Humor Times, Sept. 09

“If at first you don’t succeed, redefine what you did as success.” – Stephen Colbert Issue #213

September, 2009

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HUMOR TIMES

September, 2009

Editor’s Letter I seem to remember a big deal being made a couple months ago about a procedural loophole in the Senate that would allow the Democrats to pass health care with a simple majority, rather than needing a super-majority to overcome any filibuster. We haven’t heard much about that lately, probably because Obama wants a bipartisan bill so badly.

Ok, fine... being bipartisan seems like a nice thing – unite a divided country over an issue where 76% agree reform is needed, that sounds good. But how far backwards should Democrats bend, when they won 60% of Senate seats and nearly the same percentage in the House?

But here’s some good news: Now that the “Blue Dog” Democrats seem to be siding with the Republicans in the Senate in opposition to real health care reform, one could say Obama has already achieved the “bipartisanship” he was looking for! So, NOW can we just go ahead and pass the reform with the rest of the Democratic Senators? You know, the Democrats that are still in the Democratic wing of the Democratic party?

Yes, now seems like the time to use that loophole. However, there’s a catch. Isn’t there always? According to the New York Times, the loophole I’m talking about is that “Under the Congressional Budget Act of 1974, reconciliation bills were given special Senate protection and allowed to pass by simple majority votes, after limited debate, to give senators the ability to make the kinds of tough decisions required to cut the deficit.”

But, the Times continues, “At the same time, Senator Robert C. Byrd, Democrat of West Virginia and longtime protector of the prerogatives of the Senate, created a complex set of rules intended to impede those who would dare to use reconciliation to rewrite federal policy rather than produce budget savings.”

Apparently, under the Byrd Rule, if fiscal deficit reductions are “merely incidental” to the true intent of the legislation, such provisions can be challenged, and it would take 60 senators to overcome it – bringing the filibuster threat right back in. This is common, and is what is known around the Senate as giving the bill a “Byrd bath.”

So, maybe it’s time to bring back real filibusters – you know, the kind Jimmy Stewart staged as Mr. Smith in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. In current practice, Senate Rule 22 permits filibusters in which actual continuous floor speeches (as in the movie) are not required. However, the Senate Majority Leader may require an actual traditional filibuster if he or she so chooses. In a debate this important, I think it’s time the Democrats made Republicans pay that price, if they’re going to be obstructionists to the will of 76% of the people. It’s the least they can do.

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September, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

3

Dog Days of August Congress has lofty goals on health care... but it may not be politically feasible...

and we should be patient.

They insist things are not so bad...

and it could be a mistake to tinker with the system.

Meanwhile, views remain polarized. (continued)

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HUMOR TIMES

September, 2009

Obama is getting no help from certain Democrats... but he likes to accentuate the positive.

Opponents say it will be a financial burden... and that the Dem’s plan could lead to the unthinkable.

Once the recess began, the right-wing attack machine... kicked into high gear. (continued pg. 8)

September, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

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While You Were Staycationing Hot Loud August If you’ve ever been fortunate enough to visit Washington DC in August, you understand the custom of the government releasing all its high profile delinquents back into their home communities and calling it recess. DC was built on a swamp and walking around our Capital right now is like slogging through a sauna while wearing a lard-lined jogging suit made out of yak hair. But politicians seeking to escape the searing Beltway heat for some relative cool back home found themselves entering a bipartisan blast furnace of half-truths and misguided indignation. It was not only going to be a long, hot August, it was going to be a loud one.

The scorching cacophony coming from town halls all over this great land of ours continued to get hotter and shriller. Because as TV has taught us, louder is righter and Righter is Louder. And LOUDEST is RIGHTEST. They say that youth is wasted on the young, and after watching cable coverage of these staged outrages, you got to wonder if democracy might not be wasted on the dim. While the Democrats dismiss the protesters as angry out of control mobs, the GOP maintains they’re just panicky citizens seeking honest discourse. So, as a compromise, we’ll call them panicky mobs.

One problem is, a goodly portion of these panicky mobs is made up of conspiracy theorists convinced this is just another phase in our Kenyan born President’s insidious plot to destroy the United States of America. Something liberals never accused Bush of. Even when he was trying to. As every anti war protest was dis-

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tracted by gratingly sincere flippo-units dressed as giant sea turtles, legitimate concerns about health care are being hijacked by the black helicopter crowd. Those post libertarian types obsessed with getting big government not just out of their lives but out of everyone else’s lives. And rain. That’s no good either. Get rid of that too.

On the other hand, even stoned crazed long necked loons have genuine concerns about their physical well being. Most of us are afraid of our own doctors for crum’s sake. Add in some stainless steel prods and procedures and providers and premiums and it can easily lead to combustive fasciculation. Which means blistered twitching. And now the plan is to throw a thousand plus pages of bureaucratic fixes into the mix? And our leaders still don’t know why the populace is quivering like beads of water dancing across a pancake grill? Go fish.

The question is why now? Obama must have known the struggle to get a reform bill passed would make the Mideast peace talks seem as straightforward as sixth grade intramural basketball possession calls. Wasn’t anybody paying attention when the Clintons tried this 16 years ago? I don’t care what Teddy Kennedy was promised. Besides, he’ll never know. So far, all you’ve managed to do is prompt the Republicans to salivate like winos at a distillery spill.

Sarah Palin warned that the developmentally disabled would be forced to appear at one of Obama’s “death panels.” That flies so far past dissent, it borders on terrorism. Methinks Ms. Palin’s

HUMOR TIMES

WILL DURST political career might have lost a death panel appeal. Virginia Foxx, (R-NC) accused the bill (that hasn’t been written or committeed or voted on yet) of including provisions to kill the elderly, and come on, when you say stuff like that, you’re going to freak people out. Especially the elderly. Let’s not forget, the number one pre-existing condition in this country is the fear of getting old. Not to mention, the even less attractive… alternative.

While You Were out Besides needing a vacation from your vacation, the worst part of returning to work after a traditional summer holiday is the realization that you’re going to need a minimum of two days for every day gone, just to get back into the swim of things. And the mound of memos piled on your desk is just the tip of the iceberg.

• Monday. 8:00 am. The custodian came by and changed the locks on all the employee rest rooms and left everyone a key except you. Sorry. Martha.

• Monday. 10:30 ish. Thought you should know some guy from accounting pawed through your trash. He took some. Not much. Bobby.

• Monday. 3 pm. I have been informed that the layoff wheel has been set up in the lunch room. All employees will spin it once a week. Mitchell in NY. • Monday? I.O.U. one middle desk drawer. Thanks dude. Ali. • Tuesday. 8:00 am. We’ve saved all our safety updates and will start printing memos on the reverse side. Like this one. Ignore swine flu warning on back. Or don’t. Thank you. Martha.

• Tuesday. Some ridiculous single digit hour in the AM. Your suggestion about cutting executive bonuses was forwarded to New York. Smoooth move. Ali. • Tuesday. 8:47 am. The new seniority system is now in place.

Pick up your information packet in the lunch room at your convenience. Between 1 and 2. Mrs. Scott.

• Tuesday. 3pm. I have been informed that the new janitorial crew will service each floor one day a week. Your floor is scheduled for Monday. Mitchell in NY. • Tuesday. 4:14 pm. The new management consultant forgot at which Hyatt he is staying. Anybody who knows, please visit the East conference room. Do not call. Phones are broken. Mrs. Scott.

• Wednesday. 8:00 am. Tonight’s transitioning workshop has been relocated to the Denny’s off exit 7. Martha.

• Wednesday. Noonish. That guy from accounting brought back your trash. And somebody else’s trash too. It’s all on your desk. Should I call Bailbonds Without Borders? Bobby.

• Wednesday. 3pm. I have been informed Mitchell in NY has been laid off. He had a bad spin on the layoff wheel. Ali. • I hate these pink memos... Why dont we use email? Cant you talk to Martha? Anyhow, Ticketmaster called. They mistakenly listed your number to call for Springsteen tickets and want you to forward people to the new number. I wrote it down on your filing cabinet in lipstick. Bridget. In reception. PS. I like Springsteen.

• Thursday. 8:00 am. Save your old staples. Gwen has volunteered to twist them into paper clips. Martha.

• Thurs. 11:14 am. New York has determined that every other Casual Friday is now a Furlough Friday. Typical. Mrs. Scott.

• Thursday morning. Some idiot visited an Albanian porn site and now there’s a virus eating all the hard drives. You might want to reboot your computers. Now. Mister Roberson, VP of HR. By the way, whoever is shredding the layoff wheel every night, cut it out. It won’t help.

• Thursday. 4:17 pm. The health care co-pay is now 100%. Not sure what that means, but it doesn’t sound good. Mrs. Scott.

• Some guy from the IRS wants to see your trash. Your sposed to call him when you get in, but I lost the number. Sorry. Bridget.

In reception. Any news on Springsteen?

• Friday. 8:00 am. Personnel called. They want to know your job description. Martha.

• Friday. 9:14 am. The guys in Creative want to know if Mt. Rushmore is a natural formation. No, I’m not kidding. Oh sure, they have jobs. Mrs. Scott.

• Friday afternoon. I have been informed that on Monday, we will be measuring in-seams for the smaller cubicles. Mr. Roberson. VP of HR. • Friday. Time? - Dunno, Oprah’s on. The custodian removed the rollers from your chair to make skates for the dolly. Bobby.

• Monday? Again? How can that be? Dude, why is your car parked in the “Employees Only” lot? Kidding. I think. Welcome back. Just in time to spin the wheel. Ali.

September, 2009

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September, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

7

Dog Days of August (continued) Things got really nasty in August... and there were casualties.

People got riled up... and Town Halls got rough.

The right’s scare tactics seemed to work for them... as they narrowly averted disaster. (continued)

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HUMOR TIMES

September, 2009

If you believe the insurance industry... you can register your opposition.

But if you suddenly find yourself left out... it can change your views.

Congress will ultimately decide... based on the input they receive.

September, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

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Letter to the Prez Dear President Obama, I understand you’re thinking of dumping your “public option” because of all the demagoguery by Sarah Palin and Dick Armey and Newt Gingrich and their crowd on right-wing radio and Fox. Fine.

Good idea, in fact.

Instead, let’s make it simple. Please let us buy into Medicare.

It would be so easy. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel with this so-called “public option” that’s a whole new program from the ground up. Medicare already exists. It works. Some people will like it, others won’t – just like the Post Office versus FedEx analogy you’re so comfortable with.

Just pass a simple bill – it could probably be just a few lines, like when Medicare was expanded to include disabled people – that says that any American citizen can buy into the program at a rate to be set by the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) and the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) which reflects the actual cost for us to buy into it.

So it’s revenue neutral!

To make it available to people of low income, raise the rates slightly for all currently non-eligible people (like me – under 65) to cover the cost of below-200%-of-poverty people. Revenue neutral again.

Most of us will do damn near anything to get out from under the thumbs of the multi-millionaire CEOs who are running our current insurance programs. Sign me up!

This lets you blow up all the rumors about death panels and grandma and everything else: everybody knows what Medicare is. Those who scorn it can go with Blue Cross. Those who like it can buy into it. Simplicity itself.

Of course, we’d like a few fixes, like letting Medicare negotiate drug prices and filling some of the holes Republicans and AARP and the big insurance lobbyists have drilled into Medicare so people have to buy “supplemental” insurance, but that can wait for the second round. Let’s get this done first.

Simple stuff. Medicare for anybody who wants it. Private health insurance for those who don’t. Easy message.

Even Max Baucus and Chuck Grassley can understand it. Sarah Palin can buy into it, or ignore it. No death panels, no granny plugs, nothing. Just a few sentences.

Replace the “you must be disabled or 65" with ”here’s what it’ll cost if you want to buy in, and here’s the sliding scale of subsidies we’ll give you if you’re poor, paid for by everybody else who’s buying in." (You could roll back the Reagan tax cuts and make it all free, but that’s another rant.)

We elected you because we expected you to have the courage of your convictions. Here’s how. Not the “single payer Medicare for all” that many of us would prefer, but a simple, “Medicare for anybody who wants to buy in.”

Respectfully, Thom Hartmann From CommonDreams.org, August 17, 2009 Thom Hartmann is a Project Censored Award-winning New York Times best-selling author, and host of a nationally syndicated daily progressive talk program The Thom Hartmann Show.

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The Hightower Lowdown The “Anti-Starbucks” Starbucks There’s a joke going around that Starbucks has so saturated the coffee market that it is now opening new Starbucks stores inside its old stores.

Well, not quite – not yet – but the corporate coffee colossus is presently trying to expand through an equally bizarre marketing strategy: By disowning its globally ubiquitous brand name.

With Starbucks’ sales declining as more and more caffeine consumers reject the cookie-cutter corporate climate that the chain epitomizes, it is launching a new line of stores that disappears its name. There’s no corporate signage on the new buildings, no logo stamped on every product inside and none of the generically bland ambience that makes one Starbucks just like the other 16,000 in the chain.

Instead, the new shops strive to be the anti-Starbucks, dressing up as funky neighborhood coffeehouses with a cool, local vibe. A sort of rustic, thrift-shop decor screens the corporate presence, and such additions as live music and poetry readings are meant to lend an aura of down-home authenticity.

The first of these faux local outlets opened last month in Seattle under the nom de commerce of “15th Avenue Coffee and Tea,” taken from the name of its neighborhood. Future stores are also expected to appropriate the names of their neighborhoods all across the country in a corporate effort to convey a sense of belonging. The idea, as explained by the chain’s senior vice president of global design, is to give each of the coffeehouses “a community

personality.”

What we have here, of course, is a willful attempt to commit consumer fraud. But it’s such a goofy fraud that it’s doomed to be an embarrassing failure.

Start with the fact that genuine neighborhood coffee shops genuinely have a “community personality.” It’s not something that can be faked or “given,” much less replicated into a chain of 16,000 outlets. Indeed, one of the things you’ll notice about a real community place is that its organizational chart rarely includes a “senior vice president of global design.”

Corporate chains can’t do “community,” can’t do “funky,” can’t do “cool,” can’t do “independent” – because they’re not. They’re not any of those things.

In fact, Starbucks revealed just how inherently un-cool it is when it first began developing this absurdist chain of manufactured “authenticity.” Since its entire corporate culture is rooted in the numbing homogeneity that one writer has dubbed “Generica,” the company had no experience or expertise in authenticity. So, top executives sur rep ti tiously de ployed a gag gle of market researchers to snoop around a couple of popular local coffee houses in Seattle. Their mis s ion: to find out w h at c on st i t ut es “community personality” – and steal one.

Starbucks’ snoops were not exactly subtle.

Rather than entering the small shops inconspicuously, they would arrive as a group, crowding out real customers as they poked around and jotted notes in folders labeled, “Observation.”

Having gotten what they wanted, the whole gaggle would then depart, without even having had

JIM HIGHTOWER the courtesy of buying a single cup of coffee!

Starbucks is what it is. It can hide its name from us (at least for a while), but it can’t hide its essence. The corporate nature will always out.

Instead of masquerading as a loveable independent, a more productive (and more honest) marketing strategy for Starbucks might have revealed itself at one of its branches near my home in Austin, Texas. This store sets side-by-side with that of another national chain, and the signs on the adjacent buildings make the two corporations appear to be functioning in symbiotic partnership: “Starbucks Coffee-Jiffy Lube.”

I think there’s a certain poetic integrity somewhere in that juxtaposition. Maybe the message is that either place will do a job on you.

“The idea that doing nothing and going on without changing the way this country's health care is delivered works to the benefit only of the insurance companies, the giant health care providers and the big pharmaceutical companies.

“That industry is now pouring $1.4 million A DAY into lobbying – read that buying or renting members of Congress – to water down or delay or preferably kill health care reform and hope it goes away for another 20 years or so.”

– Joseph L. Galloway, McClatchy Newspapers, August 9, 2009

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com • by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com • by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Outrage Grows Obama to Join Quitting Spree, Says It’s ‘Just Too Hard’ A Humor Times exclusive gle-payer health care system.” flew us to the state they figured was most synonOver Government- WASHINGTON, DC – President Barack “I know everyone thought those right-wing- ymous with mainstream America – Hawaii.”

Obama shocked this reporter at an exclusive in- ers claiming I was out to get grandmas were “They forged the birth certificate, which was Run Highways terview today, announcing that he, too, nuts, but they ac- easy. The hard part was bribing, not one, but two “Despite the obvious private applications of the Interstate, some people have tried to pass this $425 billion boondoggle off as purely a military exercise,” he scoffed. “That makes about as much sense to me as saying that public healthcare could be considered a matter of national security because we’ll be less safe if large portions of our populace are broke and sick all damn the time.”

Americans are now beginning to organize against the U.S. public highway system, demonstrated by a recent rally in a remote, roadless area of Montana that attracted over three people.

“If we rely on the government to build our roads, we’ll all be waiting in line for seven years, just to enter an on-ramp!” shouted one man, holding a sign reading Any Road Is A Road To Socialism. “Well, I said no to socialism transportation, and to date, I’ve built over 14 feet of my own road that I can travel on, tax free.”

Critics of the Interstate say that opening the entire system up to the free market would allow a few large corporations to control the nation’s transportation grid, which they would profit from by charging high tolls to people with pre-existing crappy cars.

In one recent poll, a certain number of Americans said that now that they’ve heard the Interstate is a socialist nightmare, they want no part of it.

“I heard that once you get on a nationalized road, tanks will run you over if you aren’t a liberal,” said one elderly woman, shaking with fear. “I heard,” added another man ominously, “that if you surpass a certain speed, you run the risk of being tossed into jail by some kind of government police force... probably because they’re afraid of you discovering time travel and realizing that President Barack Obama is an alien fraud.”

Reported by EnduringVision.com

President Touts Healing Power of Beer Names Thursday “Drink A Beer With Someone Who Arrested You Day” In an effort to foster better understanding between police and the people they have recently handcuffed in their own homes, Presi dent Barack Obama today named this Thursday “Drink a Beer With Someone Who Arrested You Day.” Explaining his decision, the President told reporters, “When tempers run a little high, there’s one thing that always helps people think a little more rationally: beer.”

The President said he hoped that his proclamation would result in thousands of friendly get-togethers around the country between police officers and the innocent people they recently arrested.

“I’m hoping, for ex am ple, that Mischa Barton will have a tall and foamy with the cops who removed her from her home,” he said, adding, “which, let me be clear, they did not act stupidly in doing.”

For members of minority communities who have not been arrested recently, Mr. Obama had these re as sur ing words: “The week’s still young.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

14

is ready to retire “as soon as we can retually had it place Joe Biden – no way I’m leaving right,” he said, the Oval Office to him.” add i ng , “I ’ m In a candid, rambling interview, the sorry, but these president admitted his detractors had it old folks have alright all along, saying, “It's true, I did ready had a long really have a socialist agenda. But I full life, liv ing never imagined it would be so hard. I thro ug h good misjudged Americans and the times – I times, so how thought the country was ready for real about letting the Obama, appearing visibly relieved. change.” rest of us enjoy Detailing what he termed his “true plans” for some evenly-rationed prosperity as well?” a socialist state for the first time, Obama exWhile he was at it, the president (for now) plained, “It is obvious we need to cut the fat in detailed how his “birth certificate ruse” was carthis country, so I thought by getting rid of every- ried out. “When I was born – in a poor, but lovone over 65 years old and over 40% body fat – ing little village in Kenya, by the way – my which let’s face it, is considered ‘morbidly’ parents had the foresight to see right off that I obese – we could make it possible to fund a sin- could one day be president of America. So, they

newspaper editors to print phony birth announcements,” he explained. “It nearly bankrupted my folks, but they were will ing to sacrifice. They knew that one day, when I was ready, the country would also be ready – for a black president. My folks were very prescient.”

The president also detailed his plans to nationalize all the banks, the insurance industry, every corporation making over $100 million a year and even all “mom & pop” type businesses, because “folks can’t be allowed to have hope of ever getting ahead of their comrades, that would breed envy and malcontent.”

Obama said that after retirement, he hopes to get a job on a cable show, “perhaps as part of a dual-host situation on Fox, like Hannity and Colmes, only starring me and Sarah Palin. I know she’s looking for a new gig, too.”

Health Insurance CEOs Disrupt Town Halls, Cash-for-Clunker Expansion to Chant “Hands of Our Death Panels!”

Industry opposes competing government ‘euthanasia plans’ Include Elderly A Humor Times special report a strong case when they say they can deny care All across America, Town Hall meetings on health care reform were drowned out by packs of angry insurance company CEOs, drowning out elected representatives and effectively shutting down the meetings.

“We don’t need gov ernment competition, we’re do ing jus t fine,” said Walter Smithfield, a repreAngry CEO heads for Town Hall. sentative from Blue Cross-Blue Shield. “Our death panels are quite effective, denying care to thousands each month. A government plan will only confuse the issue!” he said.

Indeed, the protests against a government-run health insurance option are proving quite effective, and may end up throttling any hope of real reform by the Obama administration and Democrats on the hill. Certainly, industry officials have

better than any government-run plan.

“I have to hand it to them,” said Obama White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, “they are good at what they do. Just look at the huge profits they’re raking in, up 300% in just a few years – it proves that these people are real pros at cutting costs and increasing revenue.”

It appears industry strategy is working. The White House seems to be backing down on elements of their health care plan that at one time they considered essential, such as the public option and being able to negotiate drug prices. “We believe in capitalism,” said Gibbs, “and we wouldn’t want to harm the health of the system.

After all, our old plan might have caused coronary arrests in industry CEOs, as well as chronic discomfort in their boardrooms. We don’t want to deny essential life-saving care to these corporations.”

“We’re happy to work with the administration and congress,” said Smithfield, “as long as they know their place. They’ve got a pre-existing condition: they need money to win their next election.

And we’ve got just the stimulus plan for them – campaign donations, with a few strings attached, of course.”

Goldman Sachs in Talks to Acquire Treasury Department Sister entities to share employees, money NEW YORK – In what ready have so many employsome on Wall Street are callees and so much money ing the biggest blockbuster flowing back and forth, this deal in the history of the fiw o u l d j us t s t r e a m l i n e nan cial sec tor, Goldman things.”

Sachs confirmed today that it Mr. Hestron said the only was in talks to acquire the challenge facing Goldman in U.S. Department of the Treacomplet ing the merger “is sury. try ing to figure out which Ac cord ing to Goldman parts of the Treasury Dept. s p o k es p e r s on J on a tha n Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs. we don’t already own.”

Hestron, the merger between Goldman and the Goldman recently celebrated record earnings Treasury Department is “a good fit” because by roasting a suckling pig over a bonfire of hun“they’re in the business of printing money and so dred-dollar bills. are we.”

Elsewhere, conspiracy theorists celebrated the The Goldman spokesman said that the merger 40th anniversary of NASA faking the moon landwould create efficiencies for both entities: “We al- ing. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

HUMOR TIMES

Newborn Infant Exchange Program still in committee

WASHINGTON, DC – The House of Representatives today announced passage of an ex panded “Cash for Clunkers” program, the popular automobile rebate system initially signed by President Obama just a few weeks ago.

The revised legislation allocates an additional $2 billion to the program, and allows cash-strapped households to turn in aging family members for rebates of up to $4,000. A companion bill in the Senate awaits a formal vote, pending approval of an amendment requiring that Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Massachusetts) be the first elder trade-in accepted by the program.

Under the new law, citizens will be able to trade in elderly family members, and apply the rebate to the purchase price of a new car. A special $2,500 bonus applies to anyone who turns in Senator John McCain (R-AZ).

The new program officially went live on August 21, 2009, but ran out of its $1 billion funding in just one week, far short of its planned five month run. However, it has been a rousing success so far.

One Obama Administration staffer, who spoke on condition of age-anonymity, said that “by expanding the program to include ‘clunker grandpas and grandmas,’ the Administration expects to improve the financial well being of working families, and reduce the overall burden on the Social Security system.”

“The elderly are one of this nation’s greatest assets. That’s why we are providing amounts well in excess of market value,” said the president at the college bender. “This bill will ensure that the older models collected through this program are disposed of in an environmentally sound and fiscally responsible manner.” The legislation accomplishes this by using the collected elderly to replace departing military forces in Iraq.

Re ported by Tim Pat rick, Humorality.com

September, 2009

Beer Summit

From the Bronx Republicans tried to paint an image that would sell...

Obama attempted to diffuse the situation...

but race remains a tough issue... and pontificated at every opportunity...

but it never seemed to phase the girl from the Bronx.

and you never know when it’ll surface again.

September, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

15

Still Waiting We’re told the recovery is happening, and to just be patient...

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wait for the dollars to trickle down.

Obama is caught in a tough situation...

and he’d like to change the subject.

He’s reassuring the public...

as the next phase of the plan gets worked out. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2009

The Prez Wall Street and the banks seem to be doing ok...

Suddenly, the “honeymoon” period was over...

and they won’t forget how we helped them...

and the president knew he needed help...

but he was also determined to move on. but they’ve definitely moved on.

September, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

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Birth of a Movement Republican party leaders were in a delicate situation...

not wanting to offend their base...

but not wanting to appear crazy either.

People got quite worked up...

as they defended their positions.

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but these things are cyclical.

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2009

Argus Sez The White House called for calmer debate at town hall meetings. All the screaming and violence is riveting to see. The producers of Ultimate Fighting just announced that from now on, each match is going to feature a question-and-answer round.

Michael Vick signed with the Philadelphia Eagles and assured football fans that he’s a changed man. Let the healing begin. President Obama just invited Michael Vick to come to the White House Friday to have a beer with him and a pit bull.

The Philadelphia Eagles defied protesters by agreeing to sign Michael Vick to a contract, telling reporters he paid his debt to society. That really is the team’s policy. They just hired Squeaky Fromme to be their public address announcer.

Rick Pitino admitted he made love to an assistant coach’s wife on a restaurant table.

She’s charged with extorting him. No one knows how this will all play out, but the restaurant’s just taken its Grand Slam Thank You Ma’am breakfast off the menu.

Woodstock hosted its fortieth anniversary rock concert in August in upstate New York.

Tens of thousands of the original concert-goers showed up. Halfway through the show the emcee had to warn the crowd not to take any of the brown antacid.

The White House sent unsolicited e-mail pushing health care reform. They won’t say where they got the addresses or why they were collecting them. It’s probably just a coincidence that everybody opposed to health care reform is on the no-fly list.

Senator James Webb obtained the release of an American who’s been held captive in Burma for eighteen months. The treatment of the prisoner is a major issue. The Red Cross has

Sacramento’s 9th Annual Freethought Day

ARGUS HAMILTON agreed to check on him in six months to see if he’s found a job yet.

White House officials were welcomed in Michigan when they arrived to check out Standish prison as a possible destination for the terror detainees. It sits just outside Greater Detroit. As long as the detainees stay in the prison, they’ll be safe.

Senate Democrats dropped the end-of-life counseling provision in their version of the health care reform bill. How you decide to end your life is a very personal decision. You shouldn’t have some government bureaucrat put you in a fuel-efficient car, give you six errands to run and hand you a BlackBerry.

The Library of Congress canceled a planned lecture by former Abu Ghraib prison guard Lynndie England. She forced Iraqi prisoners to strip naked and kneel on top of one another in a pyramid formation. She was in Washington doing a little freelance work persuading Blue Dog Democrats to go along with the health care reform bill.

President Obama held a town hall meeting in Colorado in August. He wanted to dispel misconceptions about health care reform.

Euthanasia for seniors is a myth, but if that Portuguese Water Dog chews up one more pair of designer shoes, he is gone.

People for the Ethical treatment of Animals sent tons of toilet paper to Cuba Friday to help Cuba with its emergency shortage. The communist nation cannot supply its people’s most basic needs. And to think that just last month Castro assured Cuba that government toilet paper will not drive private toilet paper out of business.

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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September, 2009

More Mischief

September, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

21

Man Carrying Cash Register Suspect In Robbery As police watched video of Michael Maurice Mason stealing lottery tickets a day earlier, they heard a dispatch of a robbery and caught him running down the street with a cash register, authorities said.

Mason, 32, of suburban Lake Worth, Florida, is charged with petit larceny and five counts of lottery violations as well as drug possession.

According to a Greenacres Public Safety report, Mason came into the Isla del Sol Coqui restaurant, and asked the cashier for change for $10, and when the cashier asked to see the bill, he began screaming, “I want change!”

When the cashier turned to call 911, Mason grabbed $40 from a tip box, then yanked the cash register, containing about $292, off the counter and ran out. He was captured after a brief chase.

Nude Statue Accused Of Being Naked A bronze statue parked outside Addison Plaza shopping center, west of Delray Beach, Florida, is drawing the ire of parents of children who attend nearby Morikami Park Elementary School.

The anatomically correct figure is part of a sculpture by artist Itzik Asher titled Journey to the New, which represents the journey of Russian and Ethiopian Jews from their homes to Israel.

It depicts a family – a father, a mother with infant, holding an older child’s hand. The figures are larger than life and elongated, their nudity subtle.

“It’s a figurative piece, somewhat abstract,” said Richard Caster, who owns the shopping center and has other large sculptures peppering its front lawn. “It’s natural and beautiful.”

But Jamie Garroway, Morikami Park PTA president, said she found it distasteful and e-mailed parents, asking them to file complaints with Caster and with Palm Beach County Code Enforcement. “If this piece was at a museum I would not have a problem with it,” said Garroway.

Still, Terri Pavals, a teacher in the school’s summer program, said she has not heard any of the children talking about the piece. “It’s the parents who have been talking,” she said. “The children don’t really make an issue of it.”

Running toilet terrorizes children Denver Water is trying to spread its message – “Use Only What You Need” – with its toilet mascot, who attends events around town, flushing that message down.

But it seemed a little excessive to some when the toilet, fresh (so to speak) off a visit to a local festival, rumbled up the hill toward the Denver Museum of Nature in Science in August and careened into the fountain, where dozens of kids were deliriously cooling off on a muggy day.

Although the toilet insisted it didn’t mean to scare them, a giant toilet appearing out of nowhere and running through the fountain was a bit too startling to the children, say their parents.

Blind rescue dog has its own guide dog A dog rescue center in Norfolk, England, is trying to find a new home for a blind sheepdog and its “guide dog.” The two border collies, called Bonnie and Clyde, were found roaming on a country road.

Cherie Cootes, who found them, said they could not be separated. “If Clyde’s unsure where he is, he will suddenly go behind Bonnie and put his face on the back of her, he totally relies on her,” said Ms Cootes.

“And when she walks she tends to stop and make sure he’s there – she does look out for him. When she’s about you wouldn’t notice he is blind, but when she’s not about he refuses to move. There’s no option of homing them separately. They’ve got to go as a pair,” she said.

Naked girls plough fields in India for rain Farmers in an eastern Indian state have asked their unmarried daughters to plough parched fields naked in a bid to embarrass the weather gods to bring some badly needed monsoon rain, officials said recently.

Witnesses said the naked girls in Bihar state ploughed the fields and chanted ancient hymns after sunset to invoke the gods. “They (villagers) believe their acts would get the weather gods badly embarrassed, who in turn would ensure bumper crops by sending rains,” Upendra Kumar, a village council official, said from Bihar’s remote Banke Bazaar town.

“This is the most trusted social custom in the area and the villagers have vowed to continue this practice until it rains very heavily.”

India this year suffered its worst start to the vital monsoon rains in eight decades, causing drought in some states.

Chuck E. Cheese’s stirs controversy Some Amherst, New York Town Board members question whether Chuck E. Cheese’s really is the place “where a kid can be a kid.”

In a 3-3 vote this week, the board failed to approve a game license for the kids-themed food and entertainment venue, citing concerns about violent video games and bad behavior by patrons that require police intervention.

Council Member Shelly Schratz said she was disturbed by several “action-packed shoot-and-kill games” that were accessible to young children.

Schratz was one of three board members who voted against renewing the establishment’s game room license, which is necessary for the business to legally run its arcade games, a major draw for families that patronize the chain’s 500-plus locations from coast to coast.

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HUMOR TIMES

September, 2009

September, 2009

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