Humor Times, Oct. 09

“The truth is that all men having power ought to be mistrusted.” – James Madison Issue #214

October, 2009

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October, 2009

Editor’s Letter I caught a sneak preview of Michael Moore’s latest movie, “Capitalism: A Love Story” (see review, page 17), and it is another masterpiece by the controversial filmmaker. It criticizes both Republicans and Democrats, as it should, for the way they have done the bidding of the mega-corporations that now seem to be pretty much in control of our country.

And it only seems to be getting worse. The Supreme Court appears to be poised to rule in favor of corporations in a case that would basically remove all remaining obstacles preventing them from buying elections. This is a complete game changer. For the first time, big companies and industries could directly fund campaign ads to support or defeat members of Congress.

This could allow, for example, the health insurance industry to target for defeat members of Congress who supported the so-called “public option” for medical insurance. Banks could remove representatives who favor stricter regulation of the financial industry. On and on it goes.

Of course, big money has already had way too much sway over who runs for office and what they do when they get there. This ruling would simply be the icing on the cake. And the more power over our elected representatives corporate America amasses, the less likely it can ever be reversed. Fascism is sometimes defined as the marriage of corporations and the state (Mussolini called his nation’s system “the corporate state”). If the Supreme Court goes in this perilous direction, we could be headed for that.

This creeping control over government has been gaining ground for quite some time.

After becoming president, Abraham Lincoln said, “I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country... corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed.”

It was a Supreme Court case decided after Lincoln’s day, way back in 1886, that is said to have really started us on this slippery slope (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santa_Clara_ County_v._Southern_Pacific_Railroad). It gave corporations the privileges of “personhood” without the liabilities. This corporate personhood is what is behind all the decisions calling their election spending “free speech.”

Unfortunately for us real flesh-and-blood “persons,” corporations have billions of dollars worth of “speech” to influence lawmakers, versus our $10 or $50 bucks we might contribute to a candidate now and then. Thus, Lincoln’s “government of the people, by the people and for the people” has perished from the earth, replaced by a government of the corporation, by the corporation and for the corporation.

That is, unless we as a people can learn to shut out the corporate-sponsored campaign brainwashing, and elect leaders who may not have splashy TV commercials, but who are ready to represent we the people.

– James Israel, Publisher/editor

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Humor Times (ISSN 1937-299X), Vol. 18, Issue 214, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 1617 26th St., Sacramento, CA 95816. Application to Mail at Periodicals Postage Pending at Sacramento, CA. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lane, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Jim Siergey, Tab, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email.

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Sicko Health Care After the summer “town hall� meetings... it was back to Washington politics.

Insurance companies warned of a government takeover... saying it would ruin the best system in the world.

Liberals wondered if Obama could make the case... or even if he could see the real problem. (continued)

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October, 2009

Obama tried his oratory magic in the distinguished Congress... but Republicans were not impressed.

The prez was finally putting it all on the line... but things were not looking good.

Republicans put the finishing touches on their plan... thus giving new life to the effort. (continued pg. 8)

October, 2009

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America being held hostage by dimwits Proud to be Dim Remember back in grade school, when all learning came to a screeching halt while the teacher stopped to explain what was going on to the slow kids? She’d spend the entire morning trying to simplify the lesson plan so they could get it. Using small words in her annoying patient voice, which tended to pitch strident the slower she talked. Well, that’s what’s happening here. America is being held hostage by the dim.

People used to be embarrassed to be stupid. Now they’re walking around all proud and stuff wearing their density like a badge of authenticity. Waving misspelled signs and talking such a pack of nonsense you’d think syphilitic monkeys had crawled up their butts and were blowing “Oh! Suzanna” on their perforated livers.

During the health care riots, people actually waved placards that read, “Stop Socializing USA & Keep You’re Hands Off My Medicare.” Dude. At least use two different signs.

Then the president gave a speech. To kids. You know, a “school is good” kind of pep talk to encourage them to study hard and take responsibility and the importance of getting an education and blah blah blah blah blah, the same load of poo we’ve heard our entire lives. But for some of these young-uns, this would be their first load of poo. So what happens? Parents kept students home because they didn’t want their wee precious bairns to be hypnotized by the president’s socialistic indoctrinations.

For crum’s sake, he told them to wash their hands. Didn’t mention fluoridated water once. These boneheads kept their kids out

of school to keep them from hearing Obama’s subversive message to… stay in school. It makes a person want to buy a big, old pink box of chocolate profiteroles and eat the whole damn thing in one sitting while sitting on the couch in a blue Snuggie™.

Screw health care. How bout some legislation making smug truculent ignorance a crime? I know. We’d need prisons the size of Montana.

Speaking of obtuse, conservatives might want to think twice before anointing Joe Wilson, the “You Lie” guy, as their new alpha immigration dog. Could come back and bite them so bad they’ll be pulling Hispanic teeth out of their kiesters for years.

Must have been Al Franken’s Capitol presence that prompted the four-term Congressman to mistake his surroundings for a comedy club, heckling the president while he was speaking to a joint session of children. I mean, Congress.

Wilson is another in a continuing series of short-term, right-wing, sugar-rushes similar to the high wire attained on November 1 after staying up all night finishing a bag of Halloween treats. One of those things that seems like a good idea at the time, but then your teeth rot right out of your face onto the floor. Deep down, the South Carolina Representative has to realize he’s being used by the GOP leadership as one more mad-dog to stampede the lemmings into a mass cliff-dive to rain down onto Obamacare’s head.

It’s the unhinged edge to the outrage that caused former President Jimmy Carter to speculate that a large portion of the flock of

WILL DURST cascading weasels is due to Obama being black. The problem here is, while stupid people tend to be racists, and all racism is stupid, not all stupidity is racist. A significant portion is just plain dumb. Some people are simply having problems getting used to the fact that this country is being run by a black guy living in public housing. So, pencils down. Let’s take another break. To explain to the dim. There is nothing to worry about.

Cash for Clunkers: the Sequels Got to give the President a big bowl of props for interrupting Obama Rama on Martha’s Vineyard with his valiant effort to paint a big old smiling happy face on the side of the economy. Although in the future, he might want to come up with something a bit more reassuring than “we’re losing jobs at a much slower pace.” Hey everybody, did you catch that? The economy is doing less badly. Alright! Its not getting worse as rapidly as it previously was. Woo hoo! The brakes are on the slide. About as encouraging as a squad of septuagenarian cheerleaders waving black pom-poms after a loss in the rain at night.

Typically, economists are unsure whether the parachute has or hasn’t opened to slow the free fall of our recession. Or why.

That’s because they’re economists. You know that phrase: “couldn’t tell his ass from yellow paint?” Next time you see an economist on one of those cable talk shows, check under his fingernails. You got it. Chips of yellow paint. Look up equivocating in the dictionary, there’s a picture of an accountant hiding from an economist.

It could be seasonal. Perhaps summer barbecue grill tongs sales peaked above expectations, or back-to-school notebooks flew off the shelf or there’s been an early run on Cool Whip in anticipation of massive pumpkin pie production. Could be just the natural way of things. You know, part of that whole good, bad, boom, bust, excellent, sucky cycle. Then again, it might have been the much-vaunted economic stimulus package kicking in.

Hard to tell. Although, a lot of folks still maintain the only thing the stimulus package aroused was their suspicion.

Cash for Clunkers might have had a hand in it. The rebate program ended its run with about 700,000 new cars sold, and initial estimates are that 3 or 4 of them were made in America. I got to be honest, when I first heard the phrase Cash for Clunkers, I thought they were talking about raising the per diem for the Senate. Or it was a recurring entry on a lobbyist’s expense report.

It hasn’t been all roses and sunshine and bubble baths. Some dealers are still whining about government delays in rebate reimbursement. Yeah. You read that right. Auto dealers are complaining someone is slow holding up their end of a bargain. Should have signed up for the undercoating.

Now the feds are rolling out a sequel to Cash for Clunkers whereby consumers earn rebates by trading in large appliances for energy efficient replacements. The old two-birds-with-onecoin strategy. The problem is there’s no cute alliterative name for the program. I’m sorry, Cash for Stackable Washer/ Dryer Combos doesn’t quite cut it. Cash for Upright Freezers with Manual Defrost lacks a certain je ne sais quoi.

What we need is a series of programs to recapture the public’s fancy and open wide their wallets. People eat, don’t they? Why not seduce them into consuming domestic donuts? Cash for Dunkers. Or how about our brave American rotisserie chicken establishments? Cash for Cluckers. Maybe a stimulus program for disaffected banjo players… Cash for Pluckers. Oyster restaurants could use assistance: Cash for Shuckers. Let’s throw a bone to our indigenous cave explorers. Cash for Spelunkers. And finally, I’m personally hoping to hook into a research grant for exposing fake psychics: You know, Cash for Debunkers.

Will Durst is a San Francisco based political comic who writes sometimes. This is one of them. Please catch his new one man show “The Lieutenant Governor from the State of Confusion,” “Joseph Pulitzer, one of America’s most respected and powerful publishers during the late 19th and early 20th centuries, once said there are three rules of journalism – ‘Accuracy! Accuracy!!

Accuracy!!!’ The media's failure to verify the truth violates not only Pulitzer’s three rules for journalists, but also a basic lesson of Newswriting 101, now forgotten in the 24/7 ratings-obsessed news media – it's more important to get it right than to be the first.”

– Rosemary and Walter Brasch, Truthout.org, 9-18-09

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October, 2009

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Sicko Health Care (conclusion) It was obvious things were getting out of hand... and that resolve was needed among patriotic Americans...

of all stripes.

Senators continue the valiant fight for their constituents...

and the GOP is helping the best way it knows how... but it looks like the goal might just be unreachable.

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HUMOR TIMES

October, 2009

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DC’s Golden Rule If you ever needed proof that Washington is governed by the Golden Rule – the one that says, he who has the gold, rules – you only have to look at the wagonloads of cash being dumped by big business into crush ing Pres i dent Obama’s do mes tic agenda.

Good gosh, how the money rolls in. And I’m not only talking about the millions bankrolling the gang war over health care reform. A cou ple of weeks ago, The Washington Post reported that the energy lobby is barnstorming around the country holding rallies and concerts, giving away free lunches and t-shirts, spreading the wealth like a drunken oil tycoon – all to defeat the cap-and-trade climate bill that squeaked through the House and now awaits a vote by the Senate.

The paper noted, that in the first half of the year, oil and natural gas groups spent $82.1 million lobbying Capitol Hill – but that environmental, health and clean-energy interests scraped together less than a quarter of that amount, $18.7 million. Money talks, and it’s murmuring in your ear, “Global warming, what global warming?”...

It’s not hard to figure out why they’re so eager to grease palms and throw the regulatory bloodhounds off the scent. On August 31, Bloomberg News reported that Wall Street is getting ready for a major battle to prevent tighter government control of the nearly $600 trillion over-the-counter derivatives market...

Astonishing to think about when you recall that just a year ago irresponsible derivatives trading was one of the reasons we were being sucked into the vortex of economic catastrophe. Equally astonishing to see the extravagant salaries banking executives are still raking in even while their foolish financial strategies made more and more of us eligible for the breadlines...

If nothing is changed, MIT’s Si mon Johnson, former chief economist of the International Monetary Fund, told the New York Times the banks “will run up big risks, they will fail again, they will hit us for a big check.”

And look at this: While those executives are dancing with your dollars, the foreclosures they helped to bring on continue to rise. According to Moody’s Economy.com, nearly 1.8 million American mortgage holders will lose their homes this year – up from 1.4 million in 2008...

So far, government programs intended to ease the hurt have had little effect. The Associated Press reported a month ago that despite a $50 billion mortgage bailout from Washington, only nine percent of the borrowers eligible for relief have seen their home loans modified.

Many of the banks involved have been dragging their feet, enjoying the bailout bucks, but failing to spread them around.

Some haven’t modified a single mortgage.

No wonder Rep. Barney Frank of Massachusetts, chair of the House Financial Services Committee, and Democratic Senate Whip Dick Durbin of Illinois are reviving the reform proposal that would allow bankruptcy judges to “cramdown” mortgage principal and interest rates to give homeowners some much-needed relief. Durbin said, “Waiting for banks to ‘volunteer’ to end this foreclosure crisis is a waste of time ... This approach has failed miserably.”

Of course, you remember what happened the last time they tried to push “cramdown” through. Last spring, it was rejected by the Senate, 51 to 45. In anticipation of that vote, an exasperated Durbin told an Illinois radio station that, “The banks ... are still the most powerful lobby on Capitol Hill, and they frankly own the place.”

Like what they’ve done with it?

– Michael Winship, truthout.org, 9/19/09

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The Hightower Lowdown Holding Wall Street Bankers Accountable Don’t you wish that someone in authority, someone with an ounce of chutzpah, someone with his or her head screwed on right, would direct a few obvious, pointed, even rude questions to the Wall Street honchos who have ripped off America?

Questions like: Who, exactly, in your bank directed the rip-off? Who made these stupid decisions? Who – by name – is accountable for this mess?

The White House really doesn’t seem interested in pressing these questions. The chairman of the Senate finance committee and the head of the house banking committee have been too polite to keep probing them. And, of course, Republican leaders don’t even want to know the answers.

But, wait a second – who’s this guy, this guy in New York who has dared to confront some of the biggest Wall Street elites and demand answers? You’ve probably never heard of Jed Rakoff, but he’s a federal district judge whose Manhattan court gets many of the cases involving the financial powers.

He spent much of August grilling some bankers and bank regulators about the outrageous bonus payments that Merrill Lynch slipped to its top executives in the midst of last summer’s Wall Street meltdown.

You might recall that Merrill had essentially collapsed in 2008, having lost an astonishing $27 billion dollars due to the greed and incompetence of its top investment bankers. Rather than letting this failed firm actually fail (as in,

go kaput), however, the Bush regime engineered a quickie takeover of Merrill by Bank of America. The key to this rescue was you and I – $45 billion from us taxpayers were doled out to Bank of America to grease the merger.

But – shhhhh – just before the deal was complete, those slap-happy bankers at Merrill quietly paid themselves $3.6 billion in bonuses!

The shareholders of both Merrill and B of A were not informed of this heist. Nor were the White House, the Congress, and such oversight agen cies as the Se cu ri ties and Ex change Commission.

Merrill’s grab for the cookie jar was so underhanded and shameless that even the SEC was compelled to investigate. This agency has become more of a Wall Street lapdog than watchdog, so it was not surprising that the agency officials concluded in early August that the whole sorry mess could be swept under the rug by assessing a measly $33 million fine on Merrill (which had become a fully owned subsidiary of Bank of America). Thirty-three million bucks is chump change to these banks.

Come on, some of the bonuses paid to individual Merrill bankers were bigger than that!

Still, the SEC had ruled, so that was that. Except for one little detail: The agreement between the government and the banks had to be rubber-stamped by the federal court.

Enter Judge Rakoff. Far from wielding a rubber stamp, he refused to OK the agreement and immediately began demanding answers from the big-shots involved.

Noting that the banks had “effectively lied to their shareholders,” he wanted to know the

JIM HIGHTOWER names of the liars, suggesting that those “who made the wrongful decisions” should be held personally accountable. Also, Rakoff pointedly asked the kind of questions that folks all across the country would ask if they had the chance, such as, “Do Wall Street people expect to be paid large bonuses in years when their company lost $27 billion?” The judge also went after the SEC, calling its meek fine “strangely askew” and bluntly telling the agency’s lawyer that his feeble explanation for the low fine “seems so at war with common sense.”

Bank and SEC officials are squawking and squirming, but Rakoff has not backed off even by an inch. After two full-fledged hearings, he still refuses to approve the sweetheart settlement and has set Sept. 9 for another hearing, demanding that both the banks and the agency present better explanations for their actions.

I like this guy! Can we dismiss Timothy Geithner and put Judge Rakoff in charge of the bailout scandal? Pretty please?

“Very few people know that on average 80 percent of their Congress member’' and senators’ campaign funds come from outside the district, and largely from outside the state. They come from industries like defense, telecommunications and financial services. What do they get for these contributions?”

– Ralph Lopez, truthout.org, 9/4/09

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October, 2009

Color of Money Obama told Wall Street leaders what they needed to hear...

They promised to do better...

and they certainly are.

It’s a different story on Main Street...

October, 2009

and they said they got the message.

but Americans are trying to see the bright side.

HUMOR TIMES

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com • by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com • by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Bush Questions Brevity of Obama’s Vacation

‘Righters’: New Group Claims to Be Rightest

Short Break ‘Sends Wrong Message to Terrorists’

A Humor Times exclusive The lat est right-wing ac tiv ist group to emerge thinks they have what it takes to be the last. As one of the founders of the new “Righters,” John Snickers of Brownsville, Texas says, “We encompass all the beliefs the other various groups of heroes espouse, like Birthers, who question Obama’s nationality, Deathers, who question his health plan, and the Tenthers, who say the 10th Amendment means the federal government can’t tell them what to do. We do all that and we are totally right on all the issues. So obviously, anyone who opposes us is wrong.”

The Righters are leaving nothing to chance, and are taking the correct position on every important national issue. To assure that this strategy is maintained, Righters say they limit their sources of information. Once they take a position, they don’t want to risk getting any information which might imperil it, because that would mean they weren’t right at one time.

Former president George W. Bush criticized President Barack Obama today for taking such a brief August vacation, arguing that the brevity of his summer break “sends the wrong message to terrorists.”

“The one way to let the evildoers know that they don’t have you all stressed out is by taking all of Au gust off,” Mr. Bush Bush took vacations seriously. told reporters at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. “I always made sure I did that.”

The former president called Mr. Obama’s golf game in Martha’s Vineyard today “a positive step,” but added, “It may be a case of too little, too late.”

Mr. Bush said “there’s still time” for Mr. Obama to correct his mistake, and recommended that the president “take all of September off.”

“I suggest he find a ranch that needs some brush cleared off of it and spend all of September doing that,” Mr. Bush said.

In other news, a new study shows that serious injuries can occur from texting during sex.

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

In Move to Appease Critics, Obama Promises to Extend Health Care Coverage to Morons Appeal to Key Demographic Facing opposition to his health care reform proposals, President Barack Obama has decided to reach out to a key demographic: morons.

Starting this week, Mr. Obama will host a series of town halls to roll out new features of his health care plan which will extend health care coverage to “all idiotic Americans,” in the words of one White House source.

“We clearly underestimated the role that doofuses and dimwits were going to play in this debate,” the source said. “We want to send them the message that this plan will give them coverage - but we need to come up with a one-syllable word for ‘coverage.’”

But critics of the President’s new plan worry that extending coverage to every American who is a few bricks shy of a load could triple the size of the nation’s deficit.

“The sheer number of lamebrains in the U.S. is much greater than the Administration estimates,” says Davis Logsdon, who studies the demography of idiots at the University of Minnesota. “Just look at Glenn Beck’s ratings.”

In other news: Michael Vick said he would renounce violence and rejoin the NFL. America begged Woodstock celebrants to keep their clothes on.

Apple unveiled a new iPhone app that lets you talk to people on the phone.

And former presidential candidate John Edwards said, “There are two Americas, and I have children in each of them.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

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Culmination of Birther-type groups said to incorporate all of them “And that’s impossible,” said Mr. Snickers, “since we’re always right. Besides, we don’t

If Righters are anything, they’re sure of themselves.

need no stinkin’ facts, ’cuz we’ve got faith.”

“For example,” Snickers went on, “you’ve got the Deathers outing Obama on his plan to kill their grandmas to save on health care costs.

Well, we go one better – we’re fighting for the right to keep our economy-stimulating high health care insurance rates, so that freedom-loving corporations like WellPoint can continue to make huge profits while saving our grandmas and denying care to greedy folks who want too much. If we can do this without treating a single illegal alien, it all comes full circle for America’s economy. It’s so simple.”

“We expect quick and explosive growth within our organization, and we are preparing for it. Obviously, people want to be right, and not wrong. ‘If you can’t fight ‘em, you gotta join ‘em,’ as they say.”

The group is working on various promotion strategies, including bumper stickers that read “Righters Do It Righter,” “If I’m Right, What’s That Make You?” and “Right Makes Might.”

Obama to Hold Jackass Summit with Kanye West, Serena Williams WASHINGTON, DC - President Obama requested the presence of Kanye West and Serena Williams in the first ever White House Jackass Summit. Both stars showed up for the event after their embarrassing outbursts led to invitations.

At f i r st , Kany e We st claimed to have a previous commitment, where he planned to interrupt a best man’s speech during a wedding reception.

After some jugg lin g o f h is schedule, Kanye traveled to Washington Serena Williams DC and spent the morning sightseeing before the summit. Reportedly, he was able to disrupt tour guides at the Smithsonian, Lincoln Memorial and Holocaust Museum before heading to the White House for the historic summit.

Serena Williams also had trouble rearranging her schedule for the summit, as she was scheduled to appear at a convention of longshoremen to give

them tips on cursing. She also had to cancel plans for a job interview as a Time Warner Cable customer service operator. She was allowed access to the White House only after the Secret Service performed a body cavity search ensuring she was not bringing in tennis balls.

The summit was held in the east wing of the White House, where President Obama planned to let the pair explore all aspects of jackass behavior while he acted as a me di a tor. Unfortunately, the Kanye West summit had to be cut short when South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson interrupted, bursting into the room and calling Obama a liar for not inviting him.

Upon leaving the White House, Kanye West stated, “Get outta my way. I gotta get to Patrick Swayze’s funeral to let them know Michael Jackson had the best funeral of all time.”

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

Wilson Shouts ‘You Lie' After Wife Fakes Orgasm Breach of Congressional Decorum, Experts Say

Joe “You Lie” Wilson

Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) courted controversy again today as he reportedly shouted “You lie” during a sexual encounter in which his wife pretended to have an orgasm.

While details of Rep. Wilson’s latest outburst are sketchy at best, congressional experts say that it is totally against the decorum of the House of Representatives to speak out during a spouse’s faked orgasm.

But the South Carolina congressman got a vote of support from a fellow Republican lawmaker, Sen. John Ensign (R-NV), who told reporters, “It’s so rare for a Republican politician to have sex with his own wife, we should applaud it when it happens.”

In a related story, President Obama said that Rep. Wilson's outburst during his speech Wednesday night was “productive,” adding, “Joe Wilson highlighted the need for mental health care.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

HUMOR TIMES

In Week Before Labor Day, Pointless ‘Filler’ Columns Abound Lazy columnists pad out stories by quoting experts, experts say (This report filed Aug. 31, 2009) In a phenomenon that occurs every year in the week before Labor Day, national columnists across America file pointless, content-free “filler” columns, enabling the lazy scribes to hit the beach earlier, according to observers who have been following this trend.

The “filler” columns are churned out in a matter of minutes with no loftier goal than meeting a deadline and filling up space – meaning that columnists will often resort to using the same words or phrase again and again and again and again and again.

And rather than doing any original writing, the slothful columnists will rely on so-called “experts” to supply them with quotes to fill up space, experts say.

“They’ll often quote people you’ve never heard of,” says Harold Crimmins, an expert in the field of filler columns.

“It’s pretty shameless.”

The typical “filler” column is often a reprint of a previously published column, but the writer will later plug in one cursory reference to current events, such as the health care reform controversy, to disguise this fact.

And in order to fill up space even f a s t e r, Crimmi ns says, the lazy beach-bound columnist will compose his summer “filler” columns with short paragraphs.

Many of these paragraphs will be as short as one sentence, he says.

“Or shorter,” he adds.

There are other tell tale signs a reader can look for in order to determine whether a writer has, in fact, filed a so-called “filler” column, according to Crimmins.

One of these is a tendency to repeat information that the reader has already read earlier in the article, with columnists even stooping to using the same quote twice.

“They’ll often quote people you’ve never heard of,” Crimmins says.

Another tip-off is if the column ends abruptly.

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

October, 2009

Obama Simplifying Health Care Reform by Allowing ‘Yahoo! Answers’ to Explain It With Congress unable to deliver a health care • Is the vagina or whatever girls pee out of in reform bill thus far, the Obama administration has the same place as a boys penus? announced plans to relinquish control of the legis- • if texas secede’s from the union would it lative process to Yahoo! Answers, a popular online form a southern confederacy whith other service where terrible questions are answered by state’s? people who don’t know anything.

• My Boyfriend Has Skin Cancer?

“The President is conSome ha ve fident that the American pointe d out tha t people can come together many Americans had to share their knowledge their say at various and have a nice di atown hall meet ings logue,” said White House across the coun try, Press Secretary Robert some of which deGibbs, giving the press volved into shouting several minutes to stop and fe ces-fling ing. laughing.

But Gibbs says that’s The new strategy coirrelevant. mes in the wake of re“Those were n’t ports sug gest ing some real,” he scoffed.

Americans are growing “They couldn’t have wary of reform. Admin- Obama hopes Yahoo! Answers can quell concerns. been. Nobody actuistration officials believe this is due to the large ally acts like that. You were probably watchamount of misinformation about the proposed ing a movie and got confused.” changes, such as the belief that a new governAnalysts speculate that Yahoo! Answers ment-run health plan will transport American citi- will eventually produce a health care reform zens backwards in time to Nazi Germany. bill that declares any form of insurance unAlthough Obama will select the best questions constitutional while simultaneously making it and answers and read them aloud at a special illegal for any one to not have insurance. slumber party session of Congress, officials say he There will be no public option, although there will still abstain from giving a plan of his own, will be a stipulation recognizing that “you trusting the power of Yahoo! Answers to hash out definitely can get pregnant from oral sex, I the important details. heard that once.”

“We witnessed one very thoughtful question In a recent interview on CBS’ Face The concerning what happens to one’s MySpace after Nation, President Obama said that even if one dies,” explained Gibbs, “and that’s when we health care reform ends up taking an unexrealized this was a great way to really harness the pected, insane direction, he’ll be pleased with natural curiosity and intellect of the average the spirit and stick-to-it-iveness on display.

American.”

“I’m so glad that America can talk,” he Other questions on the popular site included: beamed. “What a wonderful nation.”

• Broken ankle ples help !!!!!!?

Reported by EnduringVision.com • What race is my friend, if her last name is ching?

Starbucks Strip Mall Nears Completion Corporation hopes to quell anxieties experienced when no Starbucks in sight MASON, OH – Construction is nearly com plete on the first Starbucks open-air mall in the U.S. This most recent Starbucks branding innovation completes the first phase of a master plan that includes future innovations such as a Starbucks gated community.

The city of Mason was chosen for the flagship Starbucks strip mall because it has consistently embraced densely planned generic retail developments throughout the community.

Starbucks spokesman, Jonathan Stillwell ex plained, “Our Each store to have own unique “sterile environment” say owners. open air mall concept weaves the Starbucks uniquely designed Starbucks stores. Each store brand subtly throughout the entire shopping ex- is designed to offer the consumer a distinct perience and immerses each consumer in the fa- Starbucks experience. Consumers can select a miliar Starbucks atmosphere. It is our hope variety of different Starbucks environments consumers will feel the Starbucks Mall is the such as a relaxing living room environment or a only shopping experience they will ever need.” fast-paced urban setting.

Reported by DerfMagazine.com All 12 stores within the strip mall are

Criticism of Obama ‘Not About Race,’ Says New Poll of White People Foreign Birth, Resemblance to Hitler Cited People who criticize President Obama do so for reasons that have “nothing to do with his race,” a new poll of white people indicates.

According to the poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, those who take issue with the President do so because of his “questionable birth certificate,” his “love of socialism,” and his “Hitler-like health plan,” but “not because of race.”

A significant number of Mr. Obama’s critics “strongly agree” with the statement, “I don't have any problems with Obama being black, but

I do have a problem with him being a socialist from Kenya who is trying to kill my grandmother.”

Professor Davis Logsdon, who conducted the survey, says that the poll is “full of good news” for Mr. Obama: “It indicates that race is no longer an issue in America, but a foreign-born pres i dent try ing to in sti tute a Nazi-slash-socialist euthanasia plan is.”

Else where, Fox News host Glenn Beck called for stricter limits on the nation’s IQ. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

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Indoctrinator-in-Chief The event was anticipated with much fear and dread...

as it could endanger the future of America.

Rarely have the risks been so high...

and good parents knew what they had to do.

But the president’s speech to the kids went off without a hitch, and everything returned to normal.

16

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2009

Gone, But Not Forgotten Sen. Ted Kennedy will be missed...

and even Republicans tried to honor him...

but quickly it was back to business as usual.

October, 2009

Movie Review

Barack Obama Must See Michael Moore’s New Movie (and So Must You)!

Excertped from a column by Arianna While taking no prisoners, and directing Huffington, HuffingtonPost.com, 9/21/09 equal doses of ire at Republicans and DemoMichael Moore has proven again and again crats alike, the film also features a number of that he has a remarkable feel for where the zeit- heroes, including bailout watchdog Elizabeth geist is heading. He’s like a zeitgeist divining Warren; Wayne County, Michigan Sheriff Warrod. ren Evans, who announced Roger and Me was way in February: “I can not in ahead of the curve on the colclear conscience allow one lapse of the auto-industry. more family to be put out of Fahr en heit 9/11 was way their home until I am satisahead of the curve on the colfied they have been afforded lapse of the house of cards every option they are entitled the Bush administration used to under the law to avoid to lead us to war in Iraq. foreclosure”; and Ohio Rep. Sicko was way ahead of the Marcy Kaptur, who took to curve on the collapse of the the House floor and offered a US health care system. And radical solution to the foreFilmmaker Michael Moore. now, with his new movie, closure crisis: “So I say to Capitalism: A Love Story, he is riding the wave the American people, you be squatters in your of the collapse of trust in our country’s financial own homes. Don’t you leave.” system.

In the film, Michael describes capitalism as The film, which opens in New York and Los evil. I disagree. I don’t think capitalism is evil. I Angeles on Wednesday, and all across the coun- think what we have right now is not capitalism. try on October 2nd, is a withering indictment of In capitalism as envisioned by its leading the current economic order, covering every- lights, including Adam Smith and Alfred Marthing from Wall Street’s casino mentality to shall, you need a moral foundation in order for for-profit prisons, from Goldman Sachs’ sway free markets to work. And when a company in Washington to the poverty-level pay of many fails, it fails. It doesn’t get bailed out using trilairline pilots, from the tidal wave of foreclo- lions of dollars of taxpayer money. What we sures to the tragic consequences of runaway have right now is Corporatism. It’s welfare for greed... the rich. It’s the government picking winners Right from the beginning – after a funny and losers. It’s Wall Street having their taxset-up juxtaposing End of Empire Rome and payer-funded cake and eating it too. It’s socialModern America – Michael goes directly to the ized losses and privatized gains. beating heart of the economic crisis, showing a Which is why – although you can bet many hard-work ing, mid dle class fam ily be ing will try – Capitalism: A Love Story can’t be disevicted from their home. The knot in your stom- missed as a left-wing tirade. Its condemnation ach starts to tighten – and the outrage starts to of the status quo is too grounded in real stories build. and real suffering, its targets too evenly spread And so it goes throughout the film, with across the political spectrum. Indeed, Jay Leno, Moore successfully walking a cinematic tight- America’s designated Everyman, was so moved rope, alternating between a punch-to-the-so- by the film he insisted that Moore appear on the la r-ple xus c ri tique of th e s t a t us quo, second night of his new show, and told his audiheart-wrench ing por traits of the suffer ing ence that the film was “completely nonpartic a u s e d by t h e e c o n o mi c c r i s i s , a nd san... I was stunned by it, and I think it is the laugh-out-loud social satire. most fair film” Moore has done...

The film also turns the spotlight on some There is a real sense of urgency to Capitalunderreported gems: an internal Citibank report ism: A Love Story. I asked Michael what impact happily declaring America a “plutonomy,” with he hoped the film would have. He chuckled and 1 percent of the population controlling 95 per- said that, in some way, he had made the movie cent of the wealth; an expose of “dead peasant” for “an audience of one. President Obama. I insurance policies that have companies cashing hope he sees it and remembers who put him in in on the untimely deaths of their employees; the White House... and it wasn’t Goldman and amazing footage of FDR, found buried in a Sachs.” film archive and not seen in decades, calling for Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost a Second Bill of Rights that would guarantee all .com/arianna-huffington/barack-obama-must-s Americans a useful job, a decent home, ade- ee-mic_b_293407.html quate health care, and a good education...

HUMOR TIMES

17

Barbaric Torture policies have not only made us look bad...

but “enhanced interrogation� is just plain inhumane.

No one wants to take responsibility...

and they may not have to.

Despite the coverups, the truth is plain...

18

to all but the most hard-hearted.

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2009

Argus Sez President Obama scrapped Poland’s missile defense against Russia on the seventieth anniversary of Russia’s invasion of Poland.

Some people celebrate anniversaries by re-taking their vows but Russia celebrates them by re-taking Poland.

Mexican Independence Day was celebrated a month after Mexico legalized pot, heroin and cocaine for personal use. It would never work here. The Medellin cartel would never fill out all the paperwork necessary to become a Medicare provider.

John Edwards was reported ready to admit he fathered his mistress Rielle Hunter’s baby girl. She was a campaign worker for him. John Edwards always said that there are two Americas and to get more votes he started a family in each of them.

Mayor Mike Bloomberg ordered New York taxi companies to use hybrid cars within two years. They’re great for conversation. The lousy acceleration and slow speed of these cars will give New York cab drivers something to complain about besides Zionism.

India reported recently that fewer Indian skilled workers are migrating to the West due to the worldwide recession. They’re always welcomed in Los Angeles. The Hindu goddess Vishnu has nine arms, which is what Californians need when we’re driving.

Taliban chief Mullah Omar went on the air to say the Taliban is nice to women and doesn’t make them cover up. He wanted to correct misperceptions. He also assured the world that Osama bin Laden is not dead, his Twitter account was just down.

Al-Qaeda posted a video threatening to attack Germany in September. There’s a good reason why they want to take on the Germans.

The terrorists are bored fighting American and

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Mike Huckabee won a GOP presidential election straw poll at the Values Voters Summit of conservative evangelicals in Washington D.C. He has an unfair advantage because he has a TV show on Fox News Channel. Evangelicals watch Fox News because they are convinced MSNBC won’t break into programming to report the Rapture.

President Obama did the David Letterman show in September, after five TV appearances the previous day and five televised speeches the week before. He’s gotten addicted to the sound of cheers and applause from a live studio audience. It could save a lot of travel expenses if we could get the D.C. fire marshal to approve the installation of bleachers in the Oval Office.

Barack Obama pushed for health care reform on five talk shows. Liberals complain he’s been too passive. If Dick Cheney were pushing health care reform he’d be at the Heritage Foundation warning us that we are all one day closer to death.

President Obama disagreed with Jimmy Carter who told NBC News that health care reform opponents are racist. Meanwhile, Dems introduced a health care bill in the Senate, then distanced themselves from it. This is the scene on Animal Planet when Democrats, within sight of victory, eat each other.

Sarah Palin offered dinner with herself in an auction on eBay. An Alabama defense contractor won. You put Alabama and Alaska at the same table and there’s no disagreement over whether to shoot Rocky or Bullwinkle, they are both on the menu.

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British troops who play by the rules, they want to try Ultimate Fighting.

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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October, 2009

More Mischief

October, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

21

NY Nuclear Plant Blares Emergency Alarm A suburban New York City nuclear power plant’s siren system has mistakenly blared out the warning, “Emergency! Emergency! Emergency!”

The ominous message rattled some of the residents of New City, about 30 miles north of midtown Manhattan. Auto shop worker Rudy Gaspari says the mechanical voice had an unsettling, post-apocalyptic overtone to it.

The voice came from an Indian Point plant siren located downtown during a test Friday, The Journal News reported.

Indian Point spokesman Jerry Nappi says the voice message “shouldn’t have happened.” Mmm-hmm... neither should have the Three-Mile Island partial meltdown in 1979 have happened. Makes you wonder... what exactly did happen?

Child Brings Cocaine “Candy” to Day Care New Jersey police say a 4-year-old boy shared cocaine with his friends at day care because his father told him it was candy. Newark police say 25-year-old Shaheed Wright of East Orange put several baggies of cocaine inside his son’s jacket after police nearly caught him with it. The boy shared the drugs with three other 4-year-olds at his day care center. A teacher spotted a girl with a baggie in her mouth and called authorities. Wright was charged with four counts of child endangerment and drug offenses.

Just what kids need – as if behaving wasn’t hard enough already!

Two-day trek for ‘green’ employee A woman in Devon, England is doing her bit for the environment by not taking her car to work on Tuesday.

Instead, Pandora Best is setting off on Sunday morning to travel the 39-mile (63km) journey by pony and cart.

The 50-year-old said the two-day trip can normally be done by car in 50 minutes.

“A pony and trap might not be practical for every day commuting, but there’s a serious point to this,” Mrs Best said.

“We all need to make an extra effort to choose a green form of transport, rather than relying on our cars.”

The Environment Agency is encouraging all its employees to leave their cars at home as part of World Car Free Day on Tuesday.

“I think I must have agreed to do this in one of my mad moments,” she told BBC News.

She is using the experience to raise money for three charities.

We’ll bet the pony would like some charity after this job too.

The priest, the stripper and their baby She was an exotic dancer at a Miami strip club called Porky’s. He showed up wearing a Hawaiian shirt, eager to share a night in the VIP lounge.

They began a torrid, on-and-off love affair that ended for good in January, after she gave birth to a daughter she says is his. Now, she wants child support and has filed a restraining order against him.

It might be a routine, if tawdry, court case if not for respondent David Dueppen’s job: Catholic priest with the Miami Archdiocese.

Dueppen, 42, is now on leave from his associate priest position at St. Maximilian Kolbe Church in Pembroke Pines.

Former stripper Beatrice Hernandez filed the restraining order last week, claiming that an argument over paternity and child support escalated when Dueppen began “grabbing her by the throat and choking her.”

“He is the devil,” said Hernandez, 42, of Miami, who provided DNA test results naming Dueppen as the father. “He is the devil dressed as an angel.”

We suppose the good news is he wasn’t taking advantage of little boys.

Fast Food Plastic Utensil Removed From Man’s Lung A North Carolina man is recovering after a piece of plastic from Wendy’s was removed from his left lung, after a year of coughing spells and fatigue.

Doctors say they removed a 1-inch piece of plastic from his lung, where it had rested since he apparently inhaled it nearly two years ago while sucking down a soft drink at a Wendy’s restaurant.

The eating utensil fragment was likely to blame for the coughing, fatigue and pneumonia spells that plagued John Manley for almost two years. “One doctor said they could remove my lung,” Manley said. “I said no way.”

Manley’s case eventually came to the attention of Dr. Momen Wahidi at Duke University Medical Center. Wahidi, who mostly works with cancer patients to remove tumors from their lung airways, used a procedure inserting a camera and other instruments to examine and remove the mystery object.

Wahidi said his staff was amazed. “Everybody was shocked. We had no clue why something that said, ‘hamburgers’ would be in someone’s lung,” he said. They had read a side of the plastic that spelled Wendy’s motto of “Old Fashioned Hamburgers.”

Wahidi said foreign objects in the lungs are much more common in children, but he’s extracted false teeth, nails, and even a peanut from adults who have held the items in their mouth and accidentally sucked them in.

Manley said there’s a huge difference in his quality of life days after the surgery. “I can breathe now,” the father of three adult daughters said of his recovery. “I can get up and walk my dog. I couldn’t do that before. I was pretty much house-ridden.”

We have a new slogan idea: “Wendy’s: More Than You Bargained For!”

22

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2009

October, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

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