Humor Times, Dec. 09

“Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.” -- William James (American Philosopher, 1842-1910) Issue #216

EXTRA! EXTRA! Laugh All About It!

December, 2009

Merely $ 00 3 ! (or 1 ea $ 50

. with subscription !

®

Formerly the Comic Press News

2

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2009

Editor’s Letter Once again, the corporate interests that have a choke-hold on our elected representative bodies have succeeded in derailing any real change for the better.

The health care bill is now a bloated corpse – a rotted, stinking shell of what was once originally envisioned. All this thing will succeed in doing is reward the soulless insurance corporations for their intransigence by making them even richer.

The Democrats promised that if we would just give them a 60 seat majority in the Senate, a majority in the House and a Democratic president, they would be able to finally deliver. Instead, the spineless bunch has caved, again, even on abortion rights.

What could have been their greatest moment, when they finally stood up for the people against the big-moneyed interests, has instead disintegrated into the predictable mind-numbing process we helplessly witnessed this summer and fall: Just another giveaway to the mega-corps running the country.

The big mistake, of course, was compromising right off the bat, then compromising some more, then some more, ad nauseam... all in a futile attempt to come up with some kind of “bipartisan” bill, so that the Dems could say they are “mainstream.”

Rather than take Single Payer off the table at the start, they should have used it as their bargaining position. Then, perhaps, we might have been able to at least get a real, robust public option.

Personally, I think Single Payer is the way to go. The rest of the democratic industrialized world runs its variations of it quite successfully, and we even run one already ourselves – in the form of Medicare for seniors. It’s true that when this process started, it didn’t seem could pass such a bill, being that our legislature is what it is. Still, as any negotiator knows, you don’t start out giving away the store.

But there is still a Single Payer bill alive, HR 676 / SB 810, and now that the public option plan has become a Frankensteinian monstrosity, it’s what we ought to fight for.

Thousands of doctors and nurses nationwide back it. Let’s dump the bloated giveaway bill, and go for the gold.

– James Israel, Publisher/editor P.S. It’s that time again! This holiday season, give a unique, thoughtful gift, one that keeps giving all year long – the Humor Times!

Holiday Online Specials!

Purchase Your Gift Certificates Online!

raftwet-store.com Featured Gift Ideas: • North Fork American – Class IV • $100 Gift Certificates – No expiration!

Apply to any future rafting trip!

Plan Your Special Event on the River!

2010: Plan Birthday, Bachelor, Anniversary or Family Reunion party now!

Party events that your friends will never forget!

Surf

to our website for special discounts!

raftwet.com 1.888.RAFTWET

E R R I V

P S T R I

Brighten up somebody’s life – Give the HUMOR TIMES! The Gift That Keeps on Giving All Year Long!

Califor nia Stage presents SUBSCRIBERS have access to the full color PDF edition of the publication at humortimes.com!

December Songs:

CHECK OUT THE HUMOR TIMES BLOG: humortimes.com/blog/blog.htm – subscribe to it free online! Original Humor Times “Faux News” stories at humortimes.com/fauxnews/fauxnews.htm.

Humor Times (ISSN 1937-299X), Vol. 18, Issue 216, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 1617 26th St., Sacramento, CA 95816. Application to Mail at Periodicals Postage Pending at Sacramento, CA. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

Phone: 916-455-1217. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95604.

Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lane, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Jim Siergey, Tab, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2009. No part may be reproduced without permission.

A Celebration of Love, Life and The Holidays Conceived and performed by Grammy nominated artist Angelina Réaux. Soprano/chanteuse Angelina Réaux will perform her concert-cabaret in a five week run at Sacramento's intimate California Stage.

November 27 through December 31, Culminating in a special New Year's Eve cabaret gala!

Fridays and Saturdays at 8:00 pm and Sundays at 2:00 pm.

In The California Stage, 2509 R St. in Midtown aa Easy free parking available • Reservations: 451-5822 • www.seeaplay.com

$20.00 General, $15.00 for seniors, students & SARTA members.

$1 • SAVE A BUCK by entering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $1 ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!!

Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ If a gift, your name: ________________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $18.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $34.95 36 issues (3 years). . . . $50.95 12 issues/PDF download . $9.95

12 issues/1st Class U.S. Mail. $28.95 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $33.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $50.95 Check if RENEWAL Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________

Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a

Or use your: p Discover

p Visa

p Mastercard

p American Express

Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)

Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________ (Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-455-1217 or toll-free 866-509-4701.)

December, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

3

Reform of ‘Reform’ Needed It’s been a long time coming... but even now, chances are slim.

Republican Sen. Snowe crossed over to help the Dems... but then bad boy Joe went the other way.

Dems managed to pass a bill in the House... but can they harmonize with the Senate? (continued)

4

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2009

Representatives stood by their convictions... as dire forecasts of doom continued.

Republicans finally rolled out their own plan... which was quite predictable...

and they still have their not-so-secret weapon.

Meanwhile, the problem continues to fester.

December, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

5

Top Ten Tips on How Not to Get the Swine Flu Breaking the Pre-nup For liberals, Election Day 08 was the marriage of hope and opportunity. Election Day 09: not so much. More like a summons from a partner’s divorce lawyer to give a deposition. After regaining statehouses in both Virginia and New Jersey, Republicans are fighting amongst themselves to see who can grab the megaphone and hail it as a sign from heaven above that the honeymoon between the American people and Barack Obama is over. All while mentally dividing up the community property.

Since Democrats typically come standard equipped with a spine so soft and pliable it can be used as a substitute for window grouting, (“Now With Less Calcium”) it comes as no surprise that more than a few members of the wedding party are attempting to weasel out of their spousal responsibilities. Trying to break the pre-nup as it were. Checking for loopholes with a molecular microscope. Thawing the cake chilling in the freezer and chowing down before the hitching juice gets turned off for good.

We have to assume the union was consummated so an annulment is out of the question. Course, with these guys, you never know. And at this point it’s doubtful that even the great mystical entity that tied the holy knot of wedlock in the first place could broker a reconciliation. But let’s leave Teddy Kennedy out of this, shall we?

Whenever connubial bliss is torn asunder and heads south of Tierra Del Fuego, there’s blame o’plenty to go around. Maybe too much anticipation was built up by all the pre-ceremony fooling

around to sustain an actual relationship. This type of congenital post-nuptial depression tends to specifically afflict Democrats.

Perhaps the yoke of marital responsibilities proved too burdensome for the betrothed. Do the terms “health care” and “mid-term elections” have any meaning here? And all that talk of the expected alienation of affection due in 2010 could just be acting as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Mister President doesn’t skate down the culpability aisle either. He needs to understand that in the heartland, there’s not a lot of call for a Metrosexual head of the household. Time to grow a pair. Less photo-ops. More power tools. Everyone knows the circumstances that forced the newlyweds into moving into a fixer upper. But now, it would be nice to see some actual fixing.

Both sides are praying a trial separation can be averted. On the same latter election day of which earlier we spoke, New York’s 23rd Congressional seat went non-Republican for the first time since before the Civil War. When it was held by a Whig. Who knows, maybe some couples therapy could help. Double sessions twice a week with an assist from some heavy psychotropics. Independents are notoriously fickle and susceptible to pendulum swings. Besides, the dowry has been blown and there isn’t anything left for alimony.

As always, the worst part of a break-up is not the slow suffocation of the sacred bond of matrimony; after all, the majority of better halves in this country don’t get it right until the second or third time around. No, the most distressing part is when children

WILL DURST are involved, such as in this case. And yes, sadly, I am talking about Congress. Let the custody battles begin.

Poking the Cobra Now is the time for all good men to put their hands together, pull them apart and rapidly put them back together again, and repeat, to give props to the President for not curling up into a fetal position with a “Kick Me” sign taped to his butt. You know. Like a Democrat.

He’s taking it straight to his perceived enemy, calling both Fox News and Rush Limbaugh radical and out of the mainstream, making the two crazier than a preacher at a whorehouse with a parishioner working the door. Because that is exactly what they say about him. Methinks there may be a bad case of “can dish it out but not take it” going around.

Conservative commentators are retaliating by lobbing charges of extreme partisanship at the President. Claiming he totally ignored his campaign promise to be “a uniter, not a divider.” Oh wait, that wasn’t him. That was the other guy. Sorry. You remember the last guy. Now there was someone who reeked of non-partisanship. At least I think that’s what it was.

No idea what the right-wing radio dudes expected Barack to do in response to their incessant taunting and baiting: clap his hands over his ears and make la-la-la noises until the bad people stop talking nasty about him? Lie down on a fire resistant humanely braided Persian rug and whimper himself to sleep? Or pull a John Kerry, who while being swift boated in August 04, spent the entire month on his back waiting for a big old tummy rub. You know. Like a Democrat.

Though he lacks military service, Barack Obama seems to grasp the concept of “target acquired.” Obviously, this sustained adversarial offensive is all part of a choreographed campaign to marginalize critics. An effort to paint the GOP as a wee bit of a sliver of a party, chock full of pro-rape, white, Southern ditto-heads and fringe licking extremists. Following the script perfected by that fabled wartime tactician: Karl Rove. If you’re going to steal, take from the best.

It must be said that refusing to appear on Fox News does seem to fly in the face of the President’s official policy to open a dialogue with all evil-doers. Which normally, he does. Iran. Hamas.

North Korea. Syria. Everyone it seems, except Rupert Murdoch.

“If we want fair & balanced, we’ll get our fair and balanced from MSNBC thank you very much.” Not very Peace Prize-ish if you ask me.

Its a tricky game, this riling the rabble that Obama is playing.

You got to be awfully careful when you poke the cobra. Fortunately he’s got the extra long pointy sticks that are David Axelrod and Rahm Emanuel to do the dirty work. Another problem is that both sides know that as the rhetoric ratchets up, so do the ratings.

But studies prove that helping Limbaugh hurts Republicans with independents, so it’s a calculated gamble. On the order of picking the Oakland Raiders to cover – on the road.

A final concern is all this fresh flummery could cause Rush to bloat up to dirigible size and then explode, which some experts say may force the evacuation of the entire Eastern Seaboard due to fears of Oxycontin contamination. But most importantly, Obama needs to keep in mind the advice my father regularly spouted after his third six pack: never get in a fight with an ugly person, he’s got nothing to lose. You know. Like a Republican.

Will Durst is a San Francisco based political comic who writes sometimes. This is one of them. Catch his new one man show “The Lieutenant Governor from the State of Confusion,” appearing at a performing arts center near you.

“If you can’t drink a lobbyist’s whiskey, take his money, sleep with his women and still vote against him in the morning, you don’t belong in politics.”

– Jesse Unruh, Speaker for the Assembly, State of California 1961-1969 “If we keep doing what we’re doing, we’re going to keep getting what we’re getting.”

– Stephen Covey 6

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2009

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care.

Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment.

Acupuncture • Mercury-Free Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.

Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle.

We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.

Thanks for All the Laughs through the Years, Humor Times!

1221 21st St. Sacramento (Next to Cheap Thrills)

916.455.0514 www.trendsettershair.com a a

Open Saturday 10-2

INTERNET

TRIPLE

Your Modem Speed!

Forget the high cost of DSL or cable with our 3XS service Internet & e-mail from $8.33/mo.

Full Service ISP • Toll-free Dial-up ISDN, DSL, Wireless, Web Sites, Domains Tech Support • Business • Residential

Happy Holidays from Vic’s Ice Cream!

Come on in and enjoy our Pumpkin, Eggnog, Spumoni, Irish Coffee, Pistachio, Peppermint Stick Ice Creams or a Fresh Cranberry Sherbet!

Enjoy one of dozens of fabulous flavors!

And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches!

Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years.

Family owned & operated.

3199 Riverside Blvd.

448-0892 Also Available at: BURR'S FOUNTAIN

WILLIE’S

4920 Folsom Blvd.

Sacramento

5050 Arden Way Fair Oaks

Toll-free 1-888-865-5949 Sacramento 916-231-1680 Sign up online at www.CWO.com

GIVE That Others May Laugh.

The Humor Times – the Cure for an Unfunny World.

See subscription form on page 3!

AMFlood.com 888-333-1280

• Lowest Flood Insurance Rates • Free Flood Zone Determination • Flood Insurance Nationwide • Talk with a Flood Specialist • Residential, Commercial & Condo • Call Today for a Free Quote

Give the Gift of Laughter: The Gift That Keeps ’em Smiling All Year!

Use the form on page 3, or go online for a buck off all subscriptions: www.humortimes.com!

December, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

7

Pig Circus The economy stepped back from the edge a bit... but not much has really changed.

‘Too big to fail’ is just big enough... for those who know how to rig the game.

Citizens are stuck in the middle... and it’s the same ol’ song and dance, my friend.

8

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2009

Mad Men No one asked, and they just couldn’t tell...

Hydrogarden

SUN SY HPS OR STEM Mh400 ST ARTING $

199 00

AT

Hydroponics • Organic Nutrients Indoor Greenhouse Lights & MUCH MORE Largest selection available • Low price guarantee Citrus Heights Hydrogarden 8043 Greenback Lane • 916-728-GROW (4769)

Mystic Gardens 8484 Florin Rd. #110 • 916-381-2464

Grass Valley Hydrogarden 12520 Loma Rica Dr. #3 & 4 • 530-477-2996

Mystic Gardens II 1918 16th St. • 916-447-4769

but the roots of the problem run deep...

and continue to spread.

Friends Don’t Let Friends Live Without Political Satire… Give the HUMOR TIMES! December, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

9

An M.D.’s Prescription Conservative rhetoric notwithstanding, the House bill is not a “government takeover.” I wish it were. Instead, it enshrines and subsidizes the “takeover” by the investor-owned insurance industry that occurred after the failure of the Clinton reform effort in 1994.

Here is my program for real reform: Rec om men da tion #1: Drop the Medicare eligibility age from 65 to 55.

This should be an expansion of traditional Medicare, not a new program.

Gradually, over several years, drop the age decade by decade, until everyone is covered by Medicare. Costs: Obviously, this would increase Medicare costs, but it would help decrease costs to the health system as a whole, because Medicare is so much more efficient (overhead of about 3% vs 20% for private insurance).

Rec om men da tion #2: In crease Medicare fees for primary care doctors and reduce them for procedure-oriented specialists. Specialists such as cardiologists and gastroenterologists are now excessively rewarded for doing tests and procedures, many of which, in the opinion of experts, are not medically indicated. Not sur prisingly, we have too many specialists, and they perform too many tests and procedures. This would greatly reduce costs to Medicare, and the reform would almost certainly be adopted [in] the wider health system.

Rec om men da tion #3: Medicare should monitor doctors’ practice patterns for evidence of excess, and gradually reduce fees of doctors who habitually order significantly more tests and procedures than the average for the specialty. Costs: Again, this would greatly reduce costs, and probably be widely adopted.

Recommendation #4: Provide generous subsidies to medical students entering primary care, with higher subsidies for those who practice in underserved areas of the country for at least two years.

Costs: This rather modest investment in ending our shortage of primary care doctors would have long-term benefits, in terms of both costs and quality of care.

Recommendation #5: Repeal the provision of the Medicare drug benefit that prohibits Medicare from negotiating with drug companies for lower prices. That prohibition has been a bonanza for the pharmaceutical industry. For negotiations to be meaningful, there must be a list (formulary) of drugs deemed cost-effective. This is how the Veterans Affairs System obtains some of the lowest drug prices of any insurer in the country.

Costs: If Medicare paid the same prices as the Veterans Affairs System, its expenditures on brand-name drugs would be a small fraction of what they are now.

Is the House bill better than nothing? I don’t think so. It simply throws more money into a dysfunctional and unsustainable system, with only a few improvements at the edges, and it augments the central role of the investor-owned insurance industry. The danger is that... people will conclude that we’ve tried health reform and it didn’t work. But the real problem will be that we didn’t really try it. I would rather see us do nothing now, and have a better chance of trying again later and then doing it right.

– Excerpted from a column by Marcia Angell, M.D., on HuffingtonPost.com, November 8, 2009.

10

The Hightower Lowdown How do you spell “hypocrisy”?

Try this: “H-Y-P-O-C-O-N-G-R-E-S-S.” The hypocongress consists of those Republicans and Blue Dog Democrats who have risen up on their hind legs in recent weeks to snarl and howl at any mention of a government role in meeting America’s health care needs. “Socialism,” they ark – we won’t allow Barack Obama and the liberals to create a Washington-run, big-government intrusion into the hallowed private market.

Sen. Jim DeMint, a South Carolina Republican, even pledged to fight so ferociously that the h e a l t h c a r e ba t t l e w o ul d b e O ba m a ’s “Waterloo.”

What a stand-up guy for free enterprise!

What an ideologically correct appeal to laissez-faire principle! And, let me add, what a crock!

What these bellicose market-purists hope you don’t discover is that they are closet socialists. As members of the congressional elite, they and their families are governmentally blessed with their very own gold-plated, taxpayer-financed, Washington-run health care system.

And, they loooove it.

Theirs is such an effective system that not a single member of the hypocongress has been willing to give it up – even though they surely realize the political peril of being exposed as rank hypocrites for enjoying the very program they so adamantly reject for you.

Actually, they happily take a double dip in the soothing waters of public health care. First, they enroll their entire families in the Federal Employees Health Benefits Program – and you probably would, too, if it were available to you,

for it’s the Rolls Royce of health plans.

For ex am ple, while even the best employer-provided health policies offer only one or two types of coverage, FEHBP is a Chinese menu, offering dozens of coverage choices that allow its lucky members to assemble a plan that meets their unique needs. Members also need not worry about being denied coverage because of some pre-existing condition – once sworn into office, lawmakers and their families are immediately and fully insured, with total access to a national network of doctors and hospitals.

But here’s the sweetest part of their Rolls Royce ride: up to 75 percent of the premiums are paid for by taxpayers, many of whom are lucky if they can afford to buy an old Yugo-level of health coverage in the vaunted private market.

Well, snaps the hypocongress crowd, even if FEHBP is essentially government-paid insurance, at least it’s not socialized medicine, with doctors working for the government – so, technically, we’re still pure.

Ah, that raises the second bit of secret socialism that lawmakers have mandated for themselves. Right un der the Capitol dome, conveniently situated between the Senate and House chamber, is the Office of the Attending Physician. Inside are more than a dozen navy doctors, nurses, medical technicians, pharmacists and other health professionals, all employed by the government solely to attend to a select clientele: the 535 members of Congress.

Let’s say that, after giving a fiery speech on the floor assailing the evils of government-run health care, a lawmaker gets gaseous or has a tongue cramp. He or she can pop right into the

JIM HIGHTOWER OAP for – yes! – some government-run health care. No appointment needed, no pesky insurance forms to fill out, no co-pay – just care.

For this, members pay a flat fee of $503 a year. A year! You and I are taxed to cover the real costs of this elite service. And that’s not the end of public health benefits for lawmakers – if they need a specialist, an operation, therapy, rehab or other pricey procedure, it’s all free at the government’s Walter Reed and Bethesda Naval hospitals.

If it’s good enough for them, why not us? The public deserves what the Congress has, and any member who opposes extending it to us should automatically be stripped of their privileges.

For a model of integrity, they might look to Sen. Sherrod Brown, D-Ohio, and Rep. Steve Kagen, D-Wis. – both of whom have rejected taking congressional coverage until everyone in America has coverage of equal quality. I don’t think the noisy naysayers are looking for integrity, however – not as long as they can get away with their abominable hypocrisy.

“The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

– HL Menckin

Reach down deep and GIVE to those in need …

OF A GOOD DOSE OF POLITICAL SATIRE! Use the form on page 3, or SAVE A BUCK online at www.humortimes.com!

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2009

Addicted to War Tremendous pressure comes with being the commander-in-chief...

said a man with a lot of experience.

The U.S. seems addicted to war...

but perhaps we should ask, what are we fighting for? ...

December, 2009

and he must get it right...

and, is it worth it?

HUMOR TIMES

11

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com • by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com • by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Lou Dobbs Leaves CNN to Help Build Wall

Santa Claus Laid Off

Says he’ll also ‘work for face time’ on cable

NORTH POLE – The North Pole Board of Directors today filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection for its overnight delivery service, and announced the immediate suspension of division president Santa Claus from his regular gift giving and elf management duties.

The company released a short statement commending Mr. Claus on his centuries of service. In his place, the board promoted Vice President Norman Keebler to the position of acting Father Christmas. Mr. Claus did not respond to repeated attempts to contact him by wish list.

“Businesses worldwide have been hard hit by the global economic downturn, and the North Pole is no exception,” said Rudolph Joyovich, chairman of the board. “With a mounting debt and the approaching holiday season, prudence demanded that we act swiftly. As difficult as this change may be for many, we anticipate that most parents will come up with some adequate story to placate their children in time for Christmas. ‘Santa’s got the swine flu,’ perhaps?”

North Pole Delivery Services, while under

A Humor Times exclusive Lou Dobbs announced he was leaving his longtime show in a broadcast that shocked all five of his viewers in November. “I’m proud of my long service here,” said the longest-running anchor on CNN, “and of my tireless devotion to getting the story right – far right.”

In his on-air state ment, the self-proclaimed “maverick” said he planned to “en gage in constructive prob lem-solving,” which he later expounded on, say ing he hopes to “orga- Dobbs: Relishing opportunities. nize the ragtag group of border watchers calling themselves the Minutemen and begin construction on a thousand mile wall even Israel would envy.” He said he’s not worried about permits: “I’m on the side of Right, and those illegals will be stuck on the side of Wrong.”

CNN President Jon Klein hailed Dobbs’ “characteristic forthrightness,” and said that “since Lou has decided on his own to carry his banner of advocacy journalism elsewhere, I won’t be needing this,” as he tore up a pink piece of paper. “He was a good man who helped make cable news safe for intolerant dogmatists, and now that he’s gone, I’m going to let our advertisers know it’s safe to come back.”

Unconfirmed reports say that Fox News chairman Roger Ailes has contacted Mr. Dobbs, telling him there is a time slot that “will soon be available,” being vacated by a “certain crybaby.”

Northwest’s New Motto: “We’ll Get You Within 150 Miles of There” Launches new Sleeper Service TM MINNEAPOLIS – Trying to make the best of what could be a public relations disaster, Northwest Airlines t o d ay u nveiled a new corporate s l o g a n , “ We ’ l l G e t You Within 150 Miles of New program popular with pilots. There.”

According to Carol Foyler, a Northwest spokesperson, the new slogan “reflects our dedication to getting our passengers as close as possible to their intended destination.”

Northwest timed the announcement of their new slogan to coincide with the launch of their new Sleeper ServiceTM. The new sleeper service provides fully reclining seats, pillows and blankets for all travelers seated in the cockpit area.

According to Ms. Foyler, “Our new Sleeper Service TM should reassure all Northwest travelers that our pilots are the best-rested in the industry.”

In a related story, the two Northwest pilots who overshot Minneapolis said they were just trying to do publicity for the movie “Amelia.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

14

Delivery fleet to be sold through ‘Cash-for-Reindeers’ Program protection from creditor demands, will undergo a bank-managed reorganization. “Sadly, Kris Kringle will not be a part of that process,” said Jennifer Meiser, Vice President of Edge of Reality Accounts for the World Bank.

The Securities and Exchange Commission has announced a related investigation into Mr. Kringle’s salary and bonus package, and his lucrative toy licensing rights. As for the millions of out stand ing speed ing tick ets and rooftop-parking violations issued in his name, “those are a matter for local jurisdictions,” said an SEC spokesman.

News of the red-suited layoff reached all corners of the globe within hours. Max, a six-year-old living in Texas tweeted a typical reaction: “It’s so rank. I want my mommy!” Yet feelings at the North Pole manufacturing center were still upbeat. “I heard that St. Nick already found a job at FedEx. But I expect to see that ol’ Bowl Full of Jelly back soon. The board did the same thing back in the 1930s, and things turned out all right,” said one perky elf.

Santa: No “Ho ho ho” these days.

When things might actually turn out all right is anyone’s guess. For now, families are sizing up their options. “I guess we could go to church and celebrate the birth of God’s son,” said a shopper at a Harrods store in London. “But it just won’t feel like Christmas.”

Reported by Tim Patrick, Humorality.com

Media Coverage of Swine Flu Now Confirmed as Worldwide Pandemic Citizens advised to stay indoors and watch reruns of Happy Days The World Health Organization has confirmed news items that display any of the symptoms of that newspaper and media coverage of the ongo- sensationalist journalism.” ing swine flu outbreak has fiThe WHO says a susnally been up graded to a pected case of news hysteria worldwide pandemic, after it may carry some of the folwas re vealed that 30,000 lowing tell-tale signs: news organizations have be1. Un usu ally large and come infected w i th swollen typefaces over-hyped reports on the vi2. Sudden flashes of the rus. phrase “News Alert” The announcement of a 3. Involuntary bouts of pandemic had been expected Media epidemic may wipe out newspapers. pointless yet dramatic intro for some time, but was only music confirmed today by the WHO’s Director-General 4. An abnormal count of images of people Margaret Chan, who revealed that 180 suspected wearing facemasks cases of irresponsible news reporting had been 5. A diminished level of understated news refound within the Fox News Network alone. porting “The spread of fear-mongering journalism has Meanwhile, the WHO has estimated that the now risen above the critical level 6 stage and has death toll in the pandemic has risen to 2,300 after a become a full-blown pandemic,” said Chan. “Re- Washington Post article passed away on Wednessearch continues into developing a workable vac- day following a severe lack of readership. Its fucine to combat the problem, but for now we advise neral has been arranged for Dec. 14, when it is the public to remain extremely vigilant over expected to be buried at the bottom of page 42. which news sources they trust and to report any Reported by DailyFortnight.com

Reports Leak of ‘Bizarre Behavior’ After Health Care Bill Passed The bedlam in the US House of RepresentaIt was also reported that a group of the Contives was widely reported in November when the gressman were rampaging through the streets of his tory mak ing the Capitol turning over garbage cans and health care bill shouting obscenities, while in the chamwas passed, but ber, Rep. Joe Wilson, shaking indignadetails of bizarre tion, was heard to say to a colleague, “Is it behavior that night time to yell ‘poopy pants’ yet?” have just started One Republican legislator was releak ing out. As ported to have had an angry and public Democrats, for the breakup with the male sixteen year old most part, cheered page he had been dating, while staff and high-fived, members were seen huddled under their House Dems seen out partying.

Republicans desks drinking from flasks. jeered, grumbled, yelled, a few cried and several Press outlets are now reporting that by Sunday “rent their garments.” morning fifty-six Congressman had checked into New reports from aides who wish to remain the Bethesda Naval Hospital for treatment of anxianonymous say Congresswomen Bachmann of ety, exhaustion and depression. The government Minnesota and Virginia Price of North Carolina run health program is covering all expenses for the were observed in the House kitchen standing over impaired legislators. a bubbling cauldron chanting in a strange tongue.

Reported by TheSpoof.com

HUMOR TIMES

Study Indicates Car Accidents Leading Cause of Dropped Cell Phone Calls WASHINGTON D.C. – Study results released by The Department of Transportation this week indicate car accidents often result in the additional misfortune of dropped cell phone calls.

Other regrettable aftermaths of car accidents include spilled cof fee and smudged make-up. In one particularly unfortunate case a driver cleaning hi s hand gun was killed when the weapon discharged due to a Dropped calls problem. head on col lision. In another incident, a collision caused a driver to wound herself in the face with a chop stick while eating Chinese food.

A recent fateful collision destroyed an expensive clown make-up kit while the driver was applying make-up on the way to a birthday party appearance. Emergency responders said the make-up kit was reduced to an unrecognizable splatter of color but could have been salvaged if it had been buckled in. Clown industry officials say most clown make-up kits are not insured which makes it difficult for clowns to earn a living after a serious collision.

To prevent such unfortunate outcomes government officials urge drivers to avoid car accidents. Roger Stillman of the Ohio Insurance Institute commented, “The evidence strongly suggests incidents such as dropped cell phone calls are easily prevented when drivers strive to maintain a strong driving record.”

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

December, 2009

Balloon Boy Hoax Found to Be Hoax

The Original Home Brew Outlet

FORT COLLINS, CO – Police in Fort Col- mommy puppet say. Even more disturbing, uslins, Colorado today have announced that the ing the daddy puppet, the boy showed police a Balloon Boy Hoax involving the Heene family, violent re-enactment of his father ripping the their son Falcon and a homemade balloon, was wires from the back of the computer shouting not a publicity stunt “ Enough of tha t but a cover up for the damn thing – we’re boy’s attempt to releaving to look for lease his parents in UFOs!” the balloon.

E v i d e n c e c o lAfter hours of inlected dur ing the tense in ter ro ga tion search of the Heene’s by police puppeteers, home included sevBalloon Boy Falcon eral cartoon like picHeene confessed that tures believed to be he wanted to get rid drawn by Falcon. Po‘Balloon boy’ hoax hoax. of his parents for cutlice are working to ting off his Club Penguin account. According to verify that the crayons found in Falcon’s room experts this isn’t the only incident involving match the ones used in the pictures. One frightconflicts between children and parents over ening drawing shows the boy’s parents as stick Disney’s mega-on-line game site that encour- figures floating off in a balloon into the clouds ages social networking over actual play and ra- with large speech bubble saying “Help, Falcon, bid consumerism in children. Club Penguin we wanna come home, we won’t boss you anyadministrators confirmed that the Heene’s Club more!”

Penguin account had been canceled just two Falcon later told police his older brother had days before the balloon incident. helped him with the spelling in his cartoon and According the Falcon Heene’s confession, in designing the plan to get rid of their parents he was going to crawl into the balloon and when via balloon. In a separate interview with police his parents followed him in, he would jump out the older Heene boy confirmed his role, saying and release the balloon. “This is what started the he wanted the mom back that they had in Wife confusion over who was in the balloon” said Swap. “She was way hot” said the 12 year old.

Fort Collins Police Chief.

Official charges against both boys are exFalcon reportedly showed police, using pup- pected to be filed later today in Poudre Valley pets that represented his parents, how they were Juvenile Court. always making him log off his Club Penguin acReported by Kate Morrison, count. “Log off NOW!” the boy made the www.laughwithkate.blogspot.com

Finest Fermentation Equipment & Supplies in Sacramento Beer, Wine, Mead, Sake, Cider, Soda & Vinegars

Open 7 Days Classes & Gift Certificates Available (916)

5528 Auburn Blvd (Auburn No. of Garfield)

Mon-Sat 10-6 • Sun 10-3 www.ehomebrew.com

Fox News Reports: Millions of Grannies Flee US as Death Panels Loom Glenn Beck: “Run for your lives” WASHINGTON – With the establishment of government-mandated death panels just days away, grandmothers began fleeing the United States in record numbers today, reports Fox News.

“I am never one to yell ‘Fire’ in a crowded theater,” said Fox News host Glenn Beck. “But run for your lives!”

Across the country, slow-moving caravans of 1980s-era Cadillacs with turn signals blinking were making the torturous journey to the Canadian border, their back seats laden with cats, knitting projects, and bottles of Ensure.

Fox News may have set off the mass ex o d u s by warning grannies that if they did not flee Grannies flee, listen to Limbaugh. quickly enough they would face gov ernment-mandated organ harvesting.

Elsewhere, anti-healthcare protesters objected to the language of the House bill, saying there were too many polysyllabic words.

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

Study Shows People Who Read Humor Times Happier, More Fulfilled “Irrefutable proof that the world would be a better place if everyone read the Humor Times,” is how Dr. Al Funluva summed up a recent study conducted by the Happy Campers Research Group from the University of Hilarity yesterday.

“If only all those who’ve discovered the paper would buy a gift subscription for one other person this holiday season,” he added, “world peace could be achieved.

And there’s no excuse not to, as subscriptions are merely $18.95, or $17.95 when ordered online at humortimes.com!” He then returned to reading his copy.

GNDU# ~ Sports Corner ~ Z!O)"

348-6322

Aren’t You Glad You Read the Humor Times? Don’t You Wish Everybody Did? Give a Subscription Today!

Advertise in the Reach an intelligent, good-humored audience with good incomes!

Our readers make wonderful, loyal customers. And you don’t have to spend a fortune to get your message in front of them!

All ads 1/8 page or larger are 20% OFF when you mention this notice!

Call 916-455-1217 or email info@humortimes.com for more information.

Humor Times, P. O. Box 162429, Sacramento, Ca 95816

Badminton Finally Gives Up Badminton, the unpopular court-based racquet game, has finally given up, according to reports received today. The game was 136.

Citing public apathy, the rather sissified sport finally admitted defeat at 4:45 PM this afternoon, and decided to call it a day. Tom Jacha of the Badminton World Federation was reported as saying, “It’s true. And who cares? You? I didn’t think so.”

Almost 37 people around the world mourned the closure Lonely shuttlecock left to disintegrate. of Badminton and it’s unusual 21 or possibly 42 point scoring system.

“That’s too bad, probably,” stated leisure center patron, Mia Holmes, 49. “Badminton was truly a great game that everyone has played just the once. It really did have it all: being indoors, flapping your arms around, getting things stuck in nets. Magical.”

Badminton is survived by two children, Table Tennis and Skipping.

Reported by DailyFortnight.com

December, 2009

Get’er Done Services Reliable help when you need it.

Handyman: Plumbing, electrical, carpentry. Fix, restore old windows, etc.

Our experienced pro can repair nearly anything!

Errands: Shopping, help selling a car or other items. Need something, call us!

Office work: Professional help with office tasks.

HUMOR TIMES

Our Personal Assistant will be a reliable, affordable partner for you.

Don’t worry about a thing, we’ll “Get’er Done” for you!

Sacramento, CA • 916-476-1536 • geterdone@gmail.com 15

The Right Stuff They’re looking for a way back in...

Republicans in Congress are nothing if not consistent.

They seem very determined...

and back on top.

to put fear into the Democrats.

one way or another...

16

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2009

The Prez Obama got into it with Fox News...

The president is trying to dialogue with Iran...

and the network isn’t backing down...

but he seems to be asleep at the wheel on certain issues.

He’s catching flack from all sides... and even his own party is starting to wonder.

December, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

17

Much Ado About Not Much Republicans were ‘feeling it’ after an off-year election...

as was Bachmann, despite her New York strategy backfiring.

Democrats could see the writing on the wall...

as independents wavered.

The significance may have been a bit overstated.

18

However, Obama still had to soothe some jitters.

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2009

Argus Sez Inside Edition reported that Michelle Obama is descended from a slave owner on her father’s side. They said the president is descended from a slave owner on his mother’s side. This explains why they can’t stop watching Fox News and don’t know why.

The New York Post said Alex Rodriguez has paintings over his bed depicting him as a centaur. They show him as half man and half horse.

It proves that when Alex took steroids he was also violating the rules of the Thoroughbred Breeders Association.

Michael Vick was allowed to keep sixteen million in bonus money by the Federal Appeals Court. His previous team tried to rescind the money but the court ruled he had a valid contract. He only brutalized dogs, it’s not like he made mortgage loans.

USA To day whined re cently that USC, Oklahoma and Alabama’s football coaches make four million a year. They’re worth it. Professors will make that much money when people pay a hundred dollars a ticket to sit in the bleachers and watch a history test.

Major Hasan’s fellow soldiers said they knew the Fort Hood shooter was radical but they were afraid they’d be accused of discrimination against Muslims if they reported him. Political correctness has now killed more people than swine flu. The Health Secretary just asked Muslims to sneeze into their elbows until further notice.

Iraq’s government banned the sale of alcohol in Baghdad’s Green Zone last month, completing a nationwide prohibition. Six years ago Iraq was the only Muslim country that allowed alcohol. No one ever considered the possibility that we invaded Iraq because President Bush was resentful that Saddam Husssein could drink and he couldn’t.

ARGUS HAMILTON

Sarah Palin began her book tour to promote her memoir, Going Rogue. The book has been very lucrative for the GOP star. She’s collected a million and a half dollars from the publisher and another two million from Tina Fey for the new material.

Miss California Carrie Prejean did talk shows to explain a sex tape of her that’s on the Internet. She said it was a private tape she made for her boyfriend. To make sure it stays private she went on the Today Show and gave out the website address.

The White House was reported to be dissuading Democratic pollsters and consultants from appearing on Fox News. The request was met with silence by the consultants. They’re willing to do anything for Barack Obama except turn down airtime.

Bill Clinton and George W. Bush canceled their upcoming debate at New York’s Radio City Music Hall. It’s for the best. The dressing room for the Rockettes is just offstage, and you would have to hit Bill Clinton with a tranquilizer dart to drag him out of there.

Germany celebrated the twentieth anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall in November.

One thousand huge dominos fell over in sequence where the wall once stood. Americans thought they were watching the one-year anniversary of the fall of their retirement plans.

The New York Yankees enjoyed a parade on Broadway before two million fans. There were no scandals this year. The Yankees won their twenty-seventh world title by returning to good old-fashioned baseball, the kind that’s played on amphetamines.

WANTED: PERSONAL EXECUTIVE ASSISTANTS Mid-sized business in Cameron Park with Insurance and Entertainment divisions seeks part-time assistants for top two executives. Up to 20 flexible hours per week or more possible; work from home or office per manager's requirements; three month training and evaluation period. Broad pay range DOE. Must have a sense of humor.

Executive Assistant - This degreed individual will have had previous successful corporate experience and training with business planning, operations, management reporting, IT functions and supervision of employees. Responsibilities include all necessary administrative tasks needed to assist and free Executives to achieve their goals and responsibilities. Special skills which are not required, but may help a candidate include prior management history, background in Insurance or Music, data manipulation skills (MS Access & Excel), can focus to finish things quickly at 100% accuracy, ability to see the big picture and sweat the details too.

Music and Theater Administrator(s) - The individual(s) selected will assist in the development of a musical production. Special skills which may help a candidate include prior theater and theater management experience or ability to compose and edit sheet music on a PC program, and especially to transpose music from sound to sheet form on computer.

Send resume or letter to: hrreplies27@yahoo.com or President, PO Box 909, Cameron Park, CA 95682.

December, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

19

Miscellaneous Mischief

20

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2009

More Mischief

This Year, Spread Joy & Holiday Cheer

®

(not to mention political humor and awareness!)

With Gift Subscriptions to the Humor Times! $2 off any Gift Sub thru Dec. 31, 2009!

(Discount good on regular U.S. subscription prices shown on page 3.) Fill out the form on page 3, note “Holidays,” and whether you would like the subscription to start with the December or January issue. A Gift Certificate will be sent to the recipient in your name. Or, you may order online at humortimes.com – use “GiftHT” in the discount code box.

December, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

21

Sacramento man’s murder defense: “I’ve been running the country” Not only were police and prosecutors totally wrong for accusing him of the 1995 stabbing death of Gary Patrick Veirs, Dunigan said in his closing argument in a recent trial, but he also had the cure for global warming and how to win the war in Afghanistan.

It was right after Dunigan told the panel, “I’ve been running the country,” that former President George W. Bush “did everything I told him” and if current President Barack Obama is lucky, “I’ll work with him,” that the judge stepped in.

Dunigan – who insisted on representing himself in the murder trial – told the jury he’s been “fighting corporations,” and that Sacramento police have had it in for him for 20 years.

A long-time offender with a 20-year criminal history that features convictions for drugs, assaulting police and other offenses, Dunigan had been incarcerated in Pelican Bay State Prison when Sacramento detectives re-examined the then-unsolved Gary Veirs slaying last year and turned up his DNA on a cold-case hit.

Murder? “That’s out of the question,” Dunigan said. At most, he said, the case added up to manslaughter. “OK,” he concluded. “I’m out of here.”

Texas governor says Obama trying to punish Texas Gov. Rick Perry had some pretty strong comments about the Obama administration recently in Midland, saying, “This is an administration hell-bent on taking America towards a socialist country.”

The first part of Perry’s remarks focused on what’s called the Alien Transfer and Exit Program. Perry describes it as a plan where illegal immigrants who are captured in Arizona are sent to the small Texas town of Presidio and set free. It’s a sign that the Obama administration is “trying to punish Texas,” Perry said.

But there’s more to the program than Perry described.

According to a story by the CBS affiliate in Odessa, the illegal immigrants are returned to Mexico via secured buses. The station also reported, “last year 4,500 illegals were sent back through Presidio. Now 94 will be bused across this bridge 7 days a week.”

Advocates for the program say the point of transferring the immigrants from Arizona to Texas is to breaking the smuggling cycle that allowed them to enter in the first place, Robert Gilbert, the Tucson sector chief for the U.S. Border Patrol, wrote in a January op-ed. He wrote that in 2008 (during the Bush administration), more than 10,000 illegal immigrants were removed through the program (although it did not go through Texas then).

World gold supply running out Aaron Regent, president of the Canadian gold giant, said that global output has been falling by roughly 1m ounces a year since the start of the decade. Total mine supply has dropped as ore quality erodes, implying that the roaring bull market of the last eight years may have further to run.

“There is a strong case to be made that we are already at ‘peak gold,’” he told The Daily Telegraph at the RBC’s annual gold conference in London.

“Production peaked around 2000 and it has been in decline ever since, and we forecast that decline to continue. It is increasingly difficult to find ore.”

Ore grades have fallen from around 12 grams per tonne in 1950 to nearer 3 grams in the US, Canada, and Australia. South Africa’s output has halved since peaking in 1970.

The supply crunch has helped push gold to an all-time high, reaching $1,118 an ounce in November. The key driver has been the move by India’s central bank to soak up half of the gold being sold by the International Monetary Fund. It is the latest sign that the rising powers of Asia and the commodity bloc are growing wary of Western paper money and debt.

New warning on ‘perfect vaginas’ Women are undergoing surgery to create perfect genitalia amid a “shocking” lack of information on the potential risks, a report says.

Research published in the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology also questions the very notion of aesthetically pleasing genitals.

Operations to improve the appearance of the sex organs for both psychological and physical reasons are on the rise.

Researchers from University College London reviewed all the existing studies on cosmetic labial surgery. They found there had been little work to document any longer-term side effects.

Labioplasty, as it is known, costs about $5,000 US privately and is offered for a variety of reasons: some women complain that wearing tight clothes or riding a bike is uncomfortable, while others say they are embarrassed in front of a sexual partner.

Consultant gynaecologist Sarah Creighton and psychologist Lih-Mei Liao challenged the ethics of offering women surgery to address such insecurities, suggesting it was advertisements for a “homogenized, pre-pubescent genital appearance” which created these anxieties in the first place.

They also suggested that any pain apparently caused by protrusion may well have a psychological root – noting that male genitalia protrude far further without causing major discomfort.

Counseling and support could therefore be a preferable alternative to surgery, they argue.

22

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2009

December, 2009

HUMOR TIMES

23

®

This Year, Spread Joy & Holiday Cheer (not to mention political humor and awareness!)

With Gift Subscriptions to the Humor Times! $2 off

any Gift Sub Through Dec. 31, 2009!

(Discount good on regular U.S. subscription prices shown on page 3.) Fill out the form on page 3, note “Holidays,” and whether you would like the subscription to start with the December or January issue. A Gift Certificate will be sent to the recipient in your name. Or, you may order online at humortimes.com – use “GiftHT” in the discount code box.

MAGIC DARTS & BILLIARDS • Darts • A Large Selection of • Pool Cues Plastic Playing Cards • Dice & Dice Cups • Poker Chips & Tables and Much More!

334-2567 • 5557 Auburn Blvd.

(Auburn & Garfield) Hours: 10-5 Mon-Fri • 12-5 Sat & Sun

Order Copies of the Humor Times to sell at your establishment!

You keep 66% of sale price! Popular publication – it’ll keep customers coming back month after month! Call or write for more info: 916-455-1217 • info@humortimes.com