“I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts.” – Abraham Lincoln Issue #217
January, 2010
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HUMOR TIMES
January, 2010
Editor’s Letter I’d like to say “Happy New Year,” but it’s not looking very good for so many people. “Hope and change” seems to have dissolved into despair and more of the same. I’ve developed a pretty thick skin, politically speaking, over the years. Idealistic in my youth, as the youth tends to be, I thought our generation (I’m 55) could turn things around. When politician after politician dashed my hopes, I decided it was the system, and things would never change until fundamental changes were made there. I still believe that. Most of all, we must somehow, as a nation, get the big money out of politics. It is corrupting everything, especially Congress, as the recent health care fiasco so obviously shows. (When over 70% of the nation says it wants a robust public option, for example, you’d think it’d be a slam dunk. But no, the insurance companies that pile on the cash for Lieberman and his ilk get their way, yet again!) I allowed myself to believe Barack Obama was really going to be different. After all, he wasn’t part of the privileged class, like so many of our presidents have been. He worked hard to make something of himself, then eschewed high-paying lawyer jobs to work for the downtrodden on the streets of Chicago. Surely, I thought, this man could not be so easily corrupted. But there’s something about holding high office, apparently. Now, he does the bidding of his generals and wages war, as is the American custom. He sits on the sidelines and twiddles his thumbs as the very issue that got him elected gets debated in Congress, seemingly oblivious to the fact that botching it would piss off the majority of people who voted for him. He didn’t even defend the things he campaigned for, like the public option. He and the super-majority of Democrats we elected compromise before the debate even starts, then compromise some more. Any real bargainer knows you start with something way beyond what you expect to get (in this example, Single Payer), giving you a bargaining tool, in order to end up with something acceptable (like a robust public option). You don’t start with what you really want. Not when you’re negotiating with such a powerful force as Big Money, which is, in the final analysis, the actual opponent. So, surprise, surprise, we end up with something Big Money (and Big Insurance) is very happy with, but which helps the public very little, if at all. And now we’re set to do it all over again, with bank “reform.” Yeah, right! I can save everyone a lot of time: just ask the banks what they want. They’ll get it anyway. As I see it, every group fighting for change on any issue ought to all come together and fight for campaign reform. Because until we get the big money out of politics, we’ll keep witnessing the same charade, over and over again. So, happy friggin’ new year. – James Israel, Publisher/editor
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CHECK OUT THIS PUBLICATION ONLINE! If you subscribe to the Humor Times, you may now log in to your account (use the link at humortimes.com, under mailbox graphic on the upper left), and view the six most recent issues. You may view it in PDF or “Flip page” format. Enjoy! Humor Times (ISSN 1937-299X), Vol. 18, Issue 217, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 1617 26th St., Sacramento, CA 95816. Application to Mail at Periodicals Postage Pending at Sacramento, CA. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Phone: 916-455-1217. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95604. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lane, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Jim Siergey, Tab, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2010. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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THE THREEPENNY OPERA
Playwright Bertolt Brecht
Opens February 5th
Angelina Réaux will direct The Threepenny Opera, the 1928 musical by Bertolt Brecht, at California Stage in a five week run beginning February 5th. Threepenny tells the tale of the doomed love affair of Macheath, London’s reigning thug, and Polly Peachum, the deceptively sweet daughter of a successful businessman who specializes in human misery and controls the city’s beggars. Based loosely on John Gay’s much earlier Beggars’ Opera, it is filled with betrayals, schemes, revenge, reversals of fortune, and Weill’s famously dissonant score. Fridays and Saturdays at 8:00 pm and Sundays at 2:00 pm.
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January, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
3
On Life Support Insurance companies, ever the greedy profit mongers...
are raising rates in anticipation...
but Big Joe doesn’t care.
He’s got the power...
and he knows it... and is milking it for all it’s worth. (continued)
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HUMOR TIMES
January, 2010
as special interests keep grabbing for more.
Meanwhile, the problem keeps growing...
as all hopes for real reform sink.
Democrats are at wit’s end...
The choice has come down to too little vs. same ol’...
and after a long arduous process, we’re left with a steaming pile.
January, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
5
The War-ette & The Top Ten of 2009 The War-ette The best part of a long-term Afghanistan occupation is there’s no shame in failing, since we’ll be joining so many other proud names on such a very long list. The worst part of a long-term occupation of Afghanistan is the many moons it’s going to take for us to figure that out. And according to the President, we should input that online calendar repeating entry until summer of 2011. Minimum. It took the President 33 minutes in front of a crowd of acutely attentive West Point Cadets to explain the ins and outs of our upcoming Afghan escalation. The Second Surge. He painstakingly detailed how absolutely necessary it is that we go in and support these fine tribal folk who wouldn’t know democracy if it climbed up their pants on a three legged camel and peed down their leg. He went on to stress that while understanding about the whole getting in thing is important, it is even more imperative that we are cognizant of how vital it is that we also get out. And fast. Not as fast as we’re going in, mind you, but we got to get out quicker than you can say “hey, everybody, its opium poppy harvest time again.” A bit of the old in-out, in-out. You could call it the Clockwork Orange Speech. Kudos to the White House for breaking new ground. Never has an administration set this country on course to fight a war with an expiration date. Constrained hostilities. A mini serious. It’s an innovative strategy. A refrigerated war with a sell-by stamp, like a pint of lox schmear. An evanescent ruckus. Tiny carnage. From
now on, let’s just call it The War-ette. A cursory confrontation cramped by a clock. Or in this case, a sundial. We all know what’s going to happen. Being forewarned, the Taliban will play hide and seek while wearing spelunking gear until our ticket home gets punched in July 2011. Wouldn’t you? “The enemy is coming! The enemy is coming! But their return flights are confirmed 18 months from now.” “Okay, we’ll hunker down till then. We can use my family’s summer cave. Everybody jump into the wagon. No. No. The wagon. With the straw and the rifles and the goats.” Our good buddy, Afghani President Hamid Karzai, is on board… with reservations. Oh, he has reservations? During the last election, this nefariant handed out ballots with his name pre-selected on them. Apparently, not only is Katherine Harris in the campaign manager business, she’s branching out internationally. He then allowed how the election may have featured a wee bit of a tad of voter fraud, but still deserved praise. Okay, Hamid. Nice voter fraud. Now Karzai is setting up a corruption task force. And you couldn’t find a more qualified guy, considering his lifetime hands-on experience with the subject. I’m just curious as to which side of the corruption task force he’ll be working. President Obama insists that one of the keys for this all to succeed, is for the Afghan military and police to step up. Oops. Excuse me, sir, I see another small snag here. I don’t mean to sound all chauvinistically modern and all, but mightn’t it help if the peo-
WILL DURST ple wearing the uniforms over there knew how to READ? Of course education is more collateral damage destined to be abandoned in our wake. Except for the hard and ugly lessons we’ll be taking home. Which, once again, nobody will learn from. The Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2009 Okay. Here’s the deal: the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2009 are not to be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2009. They are as different as night and day. Fire and frogs. Popeye’s chicken and ballet fundraisers. High rise condo balconies and balsa wood furniture. Southern Baptist 4th of July church picnics and snow tires. There were all sorts of heavy-duty stories that impacted the country and the planet. Can’t think of any right now, but trust me, there was a bunch. Rather, the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2009 are the accounts that provoked a slow shake of the head and a soft chuckle without having to bear a moral weight larger than Manitoba owing to the extreme unfunny nature of the death, destruction and gruesomeness inherent in the legitimate news. So here is the flip side, the stories from 09 most filled with mirthing possibilities. 10. Governor Mark Sanford (R-SC) and Senator John Ensign (R-Nev) both found to have a bit of a problem in the monogamy department. The GOP breathes a sigh of relief that at least they were caught with women. 9. Beer Summit. Resolution sounded like the set up for a joke. A professor, a cop and a president walk into a bar. Because as we all know, beer fixes racism. 8. Swine Flu. To keep from defaming our proud American factory pig farms, government attempts to change name to SOIV: Swine Originated Influenza Virus. Fails to catch on. 7. Supreme Court Justice Sonja Sotomayor. For David Souter’s replacement, the President chooses a Catholic diabetic woman from the South Bronx of Puerto Rican descent. Apparently that search for the al bino midget les bian un wed Bangladeshi mother with a bum leg and lycanthropy fell just a bit short. 6. Cash for Clunkers. Upon first hearing about the program, many thought it was about raising the per diem for the Senate. Or a recurring entry on a lobbyist’s expense report. 5. Nobel Peace Prize. The outcry from the right made you think the President had been caught naked under a goat at a Junkie Hookers for Satan Convention. Glenn Beck so outraged, it’s a miracle he didn’t pull a Kanye West, rush the award ceremonies and yell how Dick Cheney deserved it more. 4. Tiger Woods. Fall from Mt. Olympus is steep and loud. Maybe Nike will give Elin an endorsement deal. Who wouldn’t want to buy the clubs that beat Tiger? The two have given a whole new meaning to: “Just do it.” 3. Somali Pirates. Who knew piracy was a 21st century career track? What’s next: scurvy? 2. Sarah Palin. Alaska deserves decisive leadership, which is why she proved she’s not a quitter by resigning. More Sarah Logic we city folk just don’t understand. Then she writes a book that sells almost a million copies to non-readers. Queen of the Illiterati. 1. Teabaggers and Health Care Rioters. Easy to understand why these folks are so leery of public health care when you realize how obviously they’ve been failed by our public education system. San Francisco based political comic, Will Durst, writes sometimes, this being a sterling example, and expects 2010 to provide him with even richer grist.
“I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.” – Ilie Nastase “Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.” – Groucho Marx “The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.” – Robert Bloch
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HUMOR TIMES
January, 2010
Triple-Quadruple Bogey2 Tiger found himself way deep in the rough...
and in need of some magic...
or a heavy wedge.
Sponsorships were on the line...
and had to be re-thought.
January, 2010
But could Woods ever again be a role model?
HUMOR TIMES
7
Trickling Down The only thing trickling down in ’09 was pain.
People need jobs...
so the gov’t is looking for creative solutions...
to stimulate the economy...
8
and get folks spending again. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
January, 2010
Meanwhile, the banks are back up and running...
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HUMOR TIMES
9
Happy Holidays from America’s Banks Never mind Barack Obama’s Audacity of Hope. It’s the audacity of the banks that takes your breath away. Mean old Mr. Potter in It’s a Wonderful Life seems like Father Christmas by comparison. A recent report that Citigroup and Goldman Sachs may have received preferential treatment getting doses of the swine flu vaccine was enough to give Ebenezer Scrooge the yips. Then came news that in order for us to get back the taxpayer bailout money we loaned them, Citigroup is receiving billions of dollars in tax breaks from the IRS. And there’s a new study, “Rewarding Failure,” from the public interest group Public Citizen, revealing that in the years leading up to the financial meltdown, the CEO’s of the 10 Wall Street giants that either collapsed or got huge amounts of TARP money were paid an average of $28.9 million dollars a year. In 2007, that amounted to 575 times the median income of an American family. Now, thanks in part to the banks’ monumental malfeasance that led to our economic swan dive, food stamps are now being used to feed one in eight Americans, and a quarter of all the kids in this country. A new poll from The New York Times and CBS News reports that more than half of our unemployed have borrowed money from friends and relatives and have cut back on medical treatment. The Times wrote t hat, “Joblessness has wreaked financial and emotional havoc on the lives of many of those out of work... causing major life changes, mental health issues and trouble maintaining even basic necessities.” Yet according to the non-profit Americans for Financial Reform the reported $150 billion that Wall Street is paying itself in compensation and bonuses this year would be enough to solve the budget crisis of every one of the fifty states or create millions of jobs or prevent all foreclosures for four years. All of this wretched excess is occurring as more and more people can’t afford a roof over their heads. Foreclosures were up another five percent in the third quarter - 23 percent more than a year ago. Fewer Americans are willing to buy foreclosed properties, and the Obama administration’s foreclosure prevention plan has been a bust so far way too timid, critics say, and many of the banks won’t play ball, refusing to negotiate in good faith with homeowners desperate to hold on. – Excerpted from a column by Michael Winship, www.truthout.org/1219092, Saturday 19 December 2009 “We are slouching toward health-care reform that’s better than nothing but far worse than we had imagined it would be... That two or three senators are able to extort as much as they have is appalling. Why hasn’t Reid forced much of the bill into reconciliation, requiring only 51 votes? Why has the President been so cowed? In all likelihood, the White House and the Dems eventually will get a bill they can call “reform,” but they will not be able to say with straight faces that the reform is a significant improvement over the terrible system we already have.” – Robert Reich, former Secretary of Labor, HuffingtonPost.com, December 17, 2009
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The Hightower Lowdown Giving Thanks for America’s Good Food Movement Let’s celebrate our country’s food rebels! I’m talking about the growing movement of small farmers, food artisans, local retailers, co-ops, community organizers, restaurateurs, environmentalists, consumers and others – perhaps including you. This movement has spread the rich ideas of sustainability, organic, local control and the Common Good from the fringes of our food economy into the mainstream. It began in earnest in the 1980s and 1990s as an “upchuck rebellion” – ordinary folks rejecti n g t h e i n d u s t ri a l i z e d , c h e m i c a li z e d, corporatized and globalized food system. Farmers wanted a more natural connection to the good earth that they were working, just as consumers began demanding edibles that were not saturated with pesticides, injected with antibiotics, ripened with chemicals, dosed with artificial flavorings and otherwise tortured. These two interests began to find each other and to create an alternative way of thinking about food. Today, more than 13,000 organic farmers produce everything from wheat to meat, and organic food sales top $23 billion a year. Some 4,800 vibrant farmers’ markets operate in practically every city and town across the land, linking farmers and food-makers directly to consumers in a local, supportive economy. Also, restaurants, supermarkets, food wholesalers and school districts are now buying foodstuffs that are produced sustainably and locally. No one in a position of power – corporate or governmental – made any of these changes happen. Instead, the movement percolated up from
the grassroots, and it has become a groundswell as ordinary people inform themselves, organize locally and assert their own democratic values over those of the corporate structure. Family by family, town by town, this movement has changed not only the market, but also the culture of food. That’s a change worthy of our thanks – and to do it up right, how about having an earth dinner? Not that you’d eat earth, but that you and others would gather around a table for a social occasion to celebrate the bounty of our good, gre e n e a r th. W he the r y ou do i t f or Thanksgiving, Earth Day or just any old day, an earth dinner is a festive opportunity to have friends and family cook, eat and drink together while reveling in the culture of food. Most of us don’t realize that our dinner tells many stories, embodying our personal histories, family memories, music, art and other connections ... besides our tummies. To help reawaken those cultural links in a way that can be tasty, touching and fun, the folks at Organic Valley Family of Farms have come up with the novel idea of earth dinners. The concept simply involves throwing some sort of dinner party at which the food is not merely consumed, but also is the focus of table talk, reminiscing, singing, laughing, game playing and whatever else you can dream up. It can be a potluck dinner, a buffet, a five-course gourmet meal, a backyard barbeque ... whatever suits you. The key is to know something about the food being served – where it comes from, the history of some of the ingredients, songs written about it and so on.
JIM HIGHTOWER The goal is to get everyone connecting in some personal or cultural way to the dinner as it progresses. Ask guests to tell about their very first food memory, or to recall any family member who was a farmer or a jolly cook. Invite people of diverse backgrounds and all ages. Ask a farm family to join you, or a cheesemaker or others involved in producing food. Then – eat, talk, enjoy! Organic Valley’s Website offers a sort of earth dinner starter kit, with tips on everything from menus to party favors, as well as providing reports on successful dinners that others have put t o get her. Check i t out at www.earthdinner.org – and have a good time! “If we listen to the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck and an increasing number of their ilk, free-market fundamentalism is not only sexy, it is an argument against the very notion of politics itself and the power of the government to intervene and protect its citizens from the ravages of nature, corrupt institutions and an unregulated market. In this discourse, largely buttressed through an appeal to fear and the use of outright lies, free-market capitalism assumes an almost biblical status as an argument against the power of government to protect its citizens...” – Henry A. Giroux, truthout.org, 11/6/09
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January, 2010
Looking for Ms. Right The Republicans are a polarized party.
Some are smitten by the queen of the north...
while others aren’t sure what to believe in.
They worry about Obama...
saying he’s just not right...
January, 2010
but they may be cutting off their nose to spite their face.
HUMOR TIMES
11
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com • by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com • by Jon Carter
“We Report, You Decry!”
Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Lieberman Exploring New Ways to Be Dick
Wall Street Firms, Banks Agree: Times Never Better
Sets bar high for assholic-ness
A Humor Times exclusive Wall Street and the major banks have joined together to call for another economic crisis, since the recent one “worked so well,” according to sources. “Our economy has had a miraculous recovery,” said Lloyd Blankchek, CEO of Goldman Sachs in a press conference today, “and our company, along with other heroes of Wall Street, say let’s not mess with success – in these times, any formula that works should be duplicated, if possible.” Indeed, the crisis and the bailout that followed it resulted in a bonanza year for Goldman Sachs, which in 2009 set aside a record $16.7 billion to pay its workers, or about $700,000 per employee. “And that’s just chump change,” said Blankchek, “with our talent, we can do even better – with the right stimulus.” Not all companies agreed totally with Blankchek’s
WASHINGTON – As the healthcare reform bill makes its way through the U.S. Senate, Sen. Joseph Lieberman (D-Conn.) said today that he was “ac tively ex ploring” new ways to be as big a dick as humanly possible. For Sen. Lieberman, whose reputation for assholic behavior is legendary, striv ing to be an A dick and loving it. even bigger douche than usual represents a formidable challenge, Senate insiders say. But if the Connecticut senator found the burden of being the most egregious asshat in the Senate daunting in the least he did not show it in a brief meeting with reporters in the Capitol rotunda. “I promised the people of Connecticut that I was going to be the biggest shitheel I could be, and as God is my witness, that’s what I’m going to do,” he said. Elsewhere, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said that her audiobook would be read by Barney the Dinosaur. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
Bin Laden’s Cave: ‘Crowded and Funky’ (Information for this report received by word of mouth via the north Pakistan grapevine) Osama bin Laden’s cave has be come crowded beyond capacity due to President Obama’s decision to send an additional 30,000 US troops to Afghanistan, according to underground sources. Apparently, every Taliban member not busy committing suicide in a crowded place occupied by infidels is pushing to get into the cave, as it is the only place where they are guaranteed not to be found by the military. Their plan is to wait out there the next 18 months until US Forces depart Afghanistan, then exit and begin undermining every attempt at modern living that anyone within 500 miles is trying to make. Taliban Spokesperson Mahajid Mushmouth said, “It will be a difficult to hold on until the Yankee dogs disperse in July of 2011. We will definitely need to order more Port-A-Potties. It will be very crowded, but I am sure that some will, from loneliness and weakness, commit abominations with other men. Then we can execute them, which will give us a bit more elbow room. Until then, it sure is getting funky in here. No amount of air freshener seems to help. I’m not sure if putting up with all this is worth the 75 virgins we will get in heaven.” Osama himself has cordoned off an alcove of the cave with curtains for his own private area. He can be heard on the other side chanting his prayers, watching Jon Stewart on Comedy Central and laughing maniacally. “Twice a day his kidney dialysis machine drains all the power and the cave is plunged into darkness,” said Mahajid. The CIA is trying desperately to find someone to defect, walk in and blow the place up. Reported by Roger Freed, humortimes.com
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Calls for another ‘profitable crisis for America’ mount
strategy, however. Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis said that a “regular, recurring” crisis with accompanying bailouts was the “more secure strategy going forward.” “What we need is a way to assuage the uncertainty of critical players in the financial marketplace, so as to allow them to do their jobs with more confidence,” said Lewis, “so I propose a regularly scheduled crisis/bailout scenario. It just makes sense for America.” Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner agreed that some sort of ongoing plan was needed, saying, “Wall Street is America, and we need to provide for its long term survival – after all, how can we ask these heroes to get by without obscenely huge bonuses to motivate them? Besides, I won’t be in this crummy job forever, and when I go through that revolving door – just like any American – I want some job security.”
Mistresses of Tiger Woods March on DC Crowd estimated at over one million WA S H I N GTON – In one of the larg est mass d e m o n s t r ations in recent his tory, over one mil lion women claimTiger mistress count keeps growing. ing to have had sexual liaisons with Tiger Woods marched on Washington today. Determined to show that they are a political force, the coalition of nightclub hostesses, cocktail waitresses and lingerie models stopped traffic for hours as they marched to the Capitol.
Shandy Shanoyne, a 22-year-old thong publicist who had an on-again, off-again relationship with Mr. Woods, said that she organized the march to demand benefits, such as health care and workmen’s compensation, for the golfer’s many girlfriends. “We are sick and tired of being told to take our names off our voicemail greetings,” she said. “We have demands that must be met. Quickly. Huge.” According to Ms. Shanoyne, the million or so mistresses of Mr. Woods who showed up at the march are just the tip of the iceberg: “A new girlfriend of Tiger’s holds a press conference every eleven seconds.” In a related story, David Letterman today cleared all the golf clubs out of his house. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
Obama Braces for Wrath of Pajama-Clad Blog Commenters Anonymous posts could be ‘really mean,’ White House fears A mood of tension has gripped the White rus could grow louder this week “because most of House in recent days as President Obama prepares them have already seen Star Trek and they’re back himself for a new round of critiin front of their keyboards.” cism from one of the nation’s most “Some of them are so furious powerful and influential constituthey’re not even stopping to use encies: pajama-wearing Internet spell-check,” he added. users who post anonymous comLiberalCatGirrrrl999, a former ments on liberal blogs. Obama supporter who has turned In the West Wing, Chief of Staff on him in recent days, said that the Rahm Emmanuel has set up a Pres i dent ig nores her irate, high-tech “war room” to monitor long-winded blog comments at his the blog comments from the Presiperil. dent’s basement-dwelling critics, “There’s been so much emphapostings which one White House sis on the in flu ence of liberal source said could be “really mean” bloggers, the White House has igin the days ahead. nored where the real power is: “It’s no secret that the President anony mous blog commenters,” is very worried about what these Obama bracing for criticism. she says. “Hold on, my mom is anonymous blog-commenters might be typing yelling at me from upstairs.” over the next few days,” said the source. “They Elsewhere, in a sign of increasing tensions, are very angry, and they have a lot of time on their Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a surprise hands.” visit to the home of Jon and Kate. The source said that the pajama-wearing choAndy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
Delta Airlines Introduces New Half Pretzel In-Flight Snack ATLANTA, GA – In the latest round of cost savings measures aimed at avoiding bankruptcy, Delta Airlines today introduced a cost saving in-flight snack. The half pretzel doubles it’s savings value because it is also partially hollow. During the unveiling to the press today Delta officials held the half pretzel side-by-side with the traditional whole pretzel showing indeed it is exactly a half pretzel. A Delta spokesman stated, “Our busy passengers who don’t always have time to consume a whole pretzel. This innovation meets the needs of our passengers while also reducing operating expenses.” Reported by DerfMagazine.com
HUMOR TIMES
Cost-saving, yet still tasty.
Billionaire bankers flaunt it.
Plus-Size Fashions Catching On Women gaining weight to fit into trendy new clothes NEW YORK – As new plus-size clothing lines are rapidly introduced to the market, women across America are gaining weight faster than ever to suitably fill out the plentiful plus-size styles. Fashion de signer Tim Gunn said, “There is no limit to the weight women will gain to fit into these hot designs.” Although makers of plus-size clothing are enjoying vibrant success, there has been a backlash from consumers who feel selfconscious about b e i n g u n d e rweight for the plus-sizes. A spokeswoman for the National Organization for Women stated, “Thin women need to be reminded they are at trac tive too. Trendy plus-size. Society has set the unfair expectation that women must reach an unattainable plus-size standard to be considered beautiful.” Several consumer groups have petitioned the plus-size designers to begin producing the same styles for average size women. Lane Bryant apparel buyer Jeffrey Sparks said, “Many busy women don’t have time to gain the necessary weight but they still want to wear what Michael Phelps’ mom wears. At Lane Bryant we’re listening to our customers, trimming down versions of the hottest plus-size lines. In one case, a store manager took a gorgeous size 44W pant suit and simply cut it in half.” In some cases average size women seek out programs to help gain the weight needed to wear plus-sizes. The WeightWatchersTM company has introduced a program to help underweight women gain the necessary weight in a healthy way. WeightWatchers spokesperson Jennifer Miller commented, “In a mat ter of weeks an av er age size woman can feel comfortable in most plus-sizes by following a disciplined program of increased caloric intake and reduced physical exertion.” Reported by DerfMagazine.com
January, 2010
Drug Dealers File for Unemployment Trench coat sales are down, street corners are A single mom in Denver, Colorado says the emptying and drug dealers are applying for un- boutique style dispensaries that are popping up employment benefits in record numbers as a re- everywhere have severely affected her lifestyle sult of the emerging legal medical marijuana and that of her children. “I ran a small business business. supplying all the house“It’s like Wal-Mart wives in the area,” said the moved i n ” s a i d o n e 38 year old, but now homey known as “da they’re all “Boutiquing.” Man” in Detroit, Michi“They want the card in gan. Although he was uncase their hus bands or able to estimate a children catch them” she percentage, he said his says. business was “way bad” The effects are more far since the enactment of lereaching than first thought galization legislation. “If and even high school dealI’d a voted, I’d a voted ers are hurting. A CaliforUnemployed drug dealers line up for soup. against it” he said. nia family said their Thirteen states, from Hawaii to Maine, have teenage son is constantly asking them for cash legalized the use and sale of medical cannabis, now. Although he is still sullen, he is not solallowing dispensaries to sell to people with a vent. “It’s really created a strain on the family medical card. 12 of the 13 states have reported a finances” said the boy’s father. dramatic increase in unemployment benefit apSeveral states are setting up retraining proplications from unemployed drug dealers. grams for those displaced by the new dispensaAlaska is the only exception, where Sarah ries. Initial career placement tests indicate Palin’s son Toke supplies the majority of the ex-dealers are most qualified for jobs that restreet vendors. He says his business is still quire a high tolerance for drugs and alcohol and booming. “My mom helps a lot by using her po- doing very little. Their skill sets, income relitical clout to keep the dispensaries out” said quirements and moral conduct matched best the young Palin. “You Betcha” said Mama Palin with stockbrokers, bankers and US Senators. at a recent book signing when asked about it. “I Reported by Kate Morrison (laughwithkate fully support Toke’s business with our Mexican .blogspot.com) neighbors to the north.”
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Obama Gives Hanukkah Wishes in Hebrew; Birthers Now Claim He Was Born in Israel Birth Certificate Reads ‘Baruch Shmobama’ WASHINGTON – Pres i dent Bara ck Obama’s decision to wish Jews around the world a happy Hanukkah in Hebrew has added more fuel to the movement of the so-called Birthers, who now claim that Mr. Obama was born in Israel. Orly Taitz, a leading Birther spokesperson, told CNN today that she had in her possession a birth certificate for Mr. Obama that was issued in Tel Aviv. “If you look at the birth certificate, you will see the name he was born with, Baruch Shmobama,” she said. In other news, the President announced that he would clinch a second Nobel Peace Prize by invading Iran. Announcing the invasion in a televised address,
the President told the natio n , “Now comes the h ard p art: writing my acceptance speech.” Mr. Obama Obama going for three-peat. said if his quest for a second Nobel is successful, he would bomb North Korea. “I have just one word for you,” he said. “Three-peat.” Elsewhere, singing sensation Susan Boyle stunned the world by revealing that she had a steamy affair with Tiger Woods. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
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Image of Toaster Appears on Virgin Mary Painting FAIRFIELD – Pa rish io ners packed the Fairfield Church of Nazarene this week as word of the toaster apparition spread throughout the community. The phe nom e non continues to prompt waves of in tense emotion as peo ple try to comprehend the heavenly message. Through out viewing hours set up Holy Virgin with toaster. by the church, people can be seen weeping, fainting, and praying. The miracle toaster appears embedded and glowing within the painting of the Virgin Mary
hanging at the front of the church. Many feel the apparition is somehow intended to convey the opposite message of many heavily publicized sightings the Virgin Mary on pieces of toast around the U.S. in recent years. Church officials report the toaster appears to be a KitchenAid KMTT200OB which is a medium quality four-slice toaster that comes with a one year warranty. The unit generally retails for $69.99. Church Pastor, Paul Edwards commented, “Although we don’t yet understand the meaning of this phenomenon, we do understand the Lord works in mysterious ways. Possibly this is meant to benefit our parish financially. We are considering offering the painting on eBay.” Reported by DerfMagazine.com
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Study Shows People Who Read Humor Times Happier, More Fulfilled “Irrefutable proof that the world would be a better place if everyone read the Humor Times,” is how Dr. Al Funluva summed up a recent study conducted by the Happy Campers Research Group from the University of Hilarity yesterday. “If only all those who’ve discovered the paper would buy a gift subscription for one other person this year,” he added, “world peace could be achieved. And there’s no excuse not to, as subscriptions are merely $18.95, or $17.95 when ordered online at humortimes.com!” He then returned to reading his copy.
January, 2010
If you aren’t outraged, you aren’t paying attention... But the HUMOR TIMES can soften the blow!
HUMOR TIMES
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The Prez The president has been traveling a lot...
amazed by what he’s seen...
and working a precarious balance.
Back home, he held his first state dinner...
and everyone was there...
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though some were unwelcome. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
January, 2010
Holidaze Santa was busy as usual...
Then he traveled to Norway...
and though the spirit of giving was hampered...
where he accepted the Nobel Peace Prize...
but he couldn’t hang around.
January, 2010
we made it through another year.
HUMOR TIMES
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Hot Button Issue The world seemed to be holding itself hostage...
as the great debate raged on.
So a summit was convened...
where they tried to cook up a solution.
Meanwhile, some emails raised doubts...
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and the beat goes on.
HUMOR TIMES
January, 2010
ARGUS HAMILTON
Argus Sez President Obama was accused by liberals of abandoning his principles to pass a health care bill. The left, right and center now oppose the bill. With the president’s approval ratings so low, it’s big of him to want to keep everybody alive. The Young Victoria opened with Emily Blunt as Queen Victoria ruling the British Empire. The time is right. Whenever Congress can’t agree on anything and everybody hates the president it’s fun to remember that it didn’t have to be this way. Ti ger Woods’ ap proval rat ings tum bled fifty-five points in the Gallup Poll. He tied George W Bush’s record fifty-five point drop when the war went wrong. It shows that pronunciation doesn’t matter, you can be brought down by Iraq or a rack. Tiger Woods’ doctor was arrested in Canada for smuggling human growth hormone. In hindsight you can see it. There were the sudden muscles, the rage, the bad language and the Maris family sitting in the gallery at the last four tournaments. Sandra Bullock is getting Oscar mentions for her performance in the hit movie The Blind Side. The film is a true account of a Tennessee evangelical housewife who adopted a homeless black teenager and steered him to a career in the NFL. It’s the courageous story of a Hollywood actress daring to portray an evangelical in a sympathetic light. The White House announced plans to transfer terror detainees from Guantanamo Bay in Cuba to a federal prison in northern Illinois. Human rights activists are livid. Haven’t the terrorists been tortured enough without being turned into Cubs fans?
The Washington DC City Council voted to allow same-sex marriages. They dismissed old laws against sodomy in Washington. For two hundred years it’s only been legal when performed by a licensed member of the House Ways and Means Committee. The House passed a defense spending bill and raised the debt ceiling by another trillion. They’re a year behind California. In Washington they still think it is cool to suck all the money out of the House then spend it on a good time. Germany deployed two thousand troops to Afghanistan to join the forty-five hundred German troops already there. They’ve been invited into Afghanistan after a sixty-year time-out for starting two world wars. Nobody loves you until they need you. Iran successfully test-launched a missile with a range of twelve hundred miles in December. It can reach Israel. If Iran arms it with a nuclear warhead it would be the first missile ever deployed that could destroy Israel while denying the Holocaust. Mexico entered a float in the Rose Parade to salute its bicentennial New Year’s Day. The parade draws two million Southern Californians. If Schwarzenegger has a brain in his head he’ll walk behind this float so it’ll look like the roar is for him. The History Channel will do an eight-part movie on Jack, Bobby and Ted Kennedy. It takes eight episodes just to dramatize all their infidelities. All of these things were secret until now because the Kennedys were afraid they’d lose their Nike contract.
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Owning It Obama decided quick, bold action was required...
so after much consultation, he had a sure-fire plan.
Some say we need shared sacrifice...
as we put the enemy on the run.
So it begins‌ but when will it end?
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Meanwhile, it looks like a war zone here at home.
HUMOR TIMES
January, 2010
Miscellaneous Mischief
January, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
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Woods spending days watching cartoons & eating cereal A lonely Tiger Woods has taken to hitting golf balls at night after tumultuous therapy sessions with his wife, according to a new report. A source told Us Weekly that the world’s No. 1 golfer has been going to a course near his Windermere, Fla., home hitting balls “to clear his head.” “He goes after dark so he can’t be seen,” this person said. “For him, what’s more therapeutic than hitting golf balls, the thing he’s best at in the whole world?” Apparently, Woods has been going stir crazy spending his days alone, watching cartoons and eating cereal.
Santa promotes obesity, unhealthy lifestyle In a world where children’s role models are from TV and sports, an Australian physician suggests Santa should give up cookies and share the reindeers’ carrots. “Santa sells, and sometimes he sells harmful products” – on a global scale, Grills said. “Like Coca-Cola, Santa has become a major export item to the developing world,” he said. Santa may be banned from smoking in public places, but images of him enjoying a pipe still linger. In countries like Britain and Australia, Santa is left a brandy instead of cookies.
Drunk 4-Year-Old Stole Christmas Presents As if to prove the previous story, WTVC-TV of Chattanooga, Tenn., reported that a 4-year-old boy, beer in hand, was accused of stealing Christmas presents from his neighbors. His mother, April Wright, is 21 years old and is going through a divorce with her husband who is in jail. She says she is not sure how her 4-year-old managed to get out of the house, open a beer, and steal the neighbors presents from under their tree. Now she’s just glad he’s okay and says she won’t let it happen again. The child, Hayden Wright, was found around 1:45 am Tuesday, wandering the streets of his neighborhood. In a police reports, officers said he was wearing a little girl’s dress and drinking a beer. The police report says the child had to taken to the hospital to be treated for alcohol consumption.
Teacher on leave after taking students to Hooters A music teacher whose students performed at one of President Obama’s inauguration events has been put on administrative leave after taking 40 students to eat at a Hooters in downtown Phoenix. Mary Segall, a choir director at Paradise Valley High School in northeast Phoenix, accompanied choral students at a performance at Arizona Center in December. While there, the students ate lunch at the Hooters restaurant, said Judi Willis, spokeswoman for the district. Segall told her principal that the restaurant, known for its busty waitresses in tight shirts and orange shorts, was the only place that could accommodate a group of that size.
Blizzard hit Copenhagen as leaders battled warming World leaders flying into Copenhagen to discuss a solution to global warming faced freezing weather as a blizzard dumped four inches of snow on the Danish capital overnight. “Temperatures will stay low at least the next three days,” said Henning Gisseloe, an official at Denmark’s Meteorological Institute, as he forecasted more snow. “There’s a good chance of a white Christmas.” Demmark hadn’t had a white Christmas for 14 years.
Man too fat to pass field sobriety tests A North Hampton man who claimed he was too obese to pass field sobriety tests was found not guilty of driving while intoxicated and convicted for a lesser charge. Jaimil Choudhry, 20, was arrested April 18 on a misdemeanor count of DWI, which alleged he was driving a 1997 Honda on Commerce Way while drunk. Through Hampton attorney Andrew Cotrupi, Choudhry took the case to trial, arguing certain field sobriety tests should not have been administered to him because he is obese. Judge Sawako Gardner on Wednesday found Choudhry not guilty of DWI and guilty of reckless operation.
Taekwondo monkeys attack trainer Lo Wung, 42, taught the monkeys so they could entertain crowds outside a shopping center in Nshi, in eastern China’s Hubei province. But the money-spinning primates turned the tables on their trainer when he slipped during a show, with one quick-thinking monkey flooring him with a kick to the head. At one point the monkey trainer grabbed a staff to hit the monkeys, only to find himself facing a stick-brandishing monkey that cracked him over the head. He only managed to get the monkeys under control by tangling them up in the rope that had been used to stop them from running off.
Bank robbery money returned via mail FBI investigators in Pittsburgh said 80 percent of the stolen cash from a bank robbery was returned to the financial institution via U.S. mail. Special Agent Jeff Killeen said the cash, which arrived Dec. 14 at the PNC Bank in West Newton in a manila envelope with no note, was stolen during a robbery at the bank five days earlier, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported. “In the annals of bank robbery investigations, this is certainly unique,” Killeen said.
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HUMOR TIMES
January, 2010
January, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
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