“It is a universal truth that the loss of liberty at home is to be charged to the provisions against danger, real or pretended, from abroad.” – James Madison
Issue #218
February, 2010
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HUMOR TIMES
February, 2010
Editor’s Letter So Faux News has added Sarah Palin to their lineup – oops, I mean Fox News – “Faux News” is our thing (pages 14-15)! It’s just that Fox News has been so verifiably wrong so often, that it’s easy to get the names mixed up. Fox News is an extension of the Republican Party, and if you don’t think so, you should do some checking up on their record. Sure, MSNBC is a left-leaning network, balancing Fox out a bit, but they are hardly a mouthpiece for the Democrats the way Fox is for the GOP. Shows like “Countdown” and the “The Rachel Maddow Show” at least separate fact from opinion, and are far more accurate with their facts, as they actually take the time to do some fact-checking. The Project on Excellence in Journalism report in 2006 showed that 68 percent of Fox cable stories contained personal opinions, as compared to MSNBC at 27 percent and CNN at 4 percent. The “content analysis” portion of their 2005 report also concluded that “Fox was measurably more one-sided than the other networks, and Fox journalists were more opinionated on the air.” A study by the Program on International Policy Attitudes (PIPA), in the Winter 03-04 issue of Political Science Quarterly, reported that viewers of Fox News were more likely than viewers of other news networks to hold misperceptions about the war in Iraq, including thinking that there was evidence that Hussein worked with al Qaeda (there was not) and that weapons of mass destruction had been found in Iraq (they never were). It’s funny that it often takes political satire to keep these guys at least somewhat honest. Comedian Jon Stewart showed on his November 10, 2009 broadcast of the Daily Show on Comedy Central that Fox News pundit Sean Hannity had misrepresented video footage purportedly showing large crowds on a health-care protest orchestrated by Rep. Michele Bachmann. Stewart showed it to be the exact same footage from Glenn Beck’s much larger 9/12 protests that occurred two months earlier. Hannity estimated on air that between 20,000-45,000 protesters were in attendance, yet according to Capitol Police estimate, the crowd numbered between 3,000 to 3,500. Caught red-handed, Hannity had to admit the error on his November 11, 2009 broadcast. Yet the following week, Fox News anchor Gregg Jarrett told viewers that a Sarah Palin book signing in Grand Rapids, Michigan had a massive turnout while showing footage of Palin with a large crowd, adding that the images being shown were “some of the pictures just coming in to us.... The lines earlier had formed this morning.” The video was actually taken from a 2008 McCain/Palin campaign rally. FOX reporters and anchors use the traditional journalistic phrase “some people say” constantly, instead of citing an anonymous source, in order to advance a storyline, obviously trying to add some sort of “legitimacy” to their own opinions. After all, it’s so much easier than doing actual research and reporting. Now they’ve added Sarah Palin. Surprise, surprise. I saw this coming the day she quit her gig as governor. And what a perfect fit! Palin is well known for making things up. Her book, Going Rogue, is filled with so many inaccuracies that reviewers question if the book really belongs in the fiction section. Richard Fineberg, a man who worked with Palin’s tax team in August 2007 and had “high hopes” for her, later asked, “Is Palin plagued by an astonishing inability to distinguish fact from fiction, an appalling disregard for truth and accuracy, or both?” Welcome to the Fox “News” team, Ms. Palin, you’ll fit right in.
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Humor Times (ISSN 1937-299X) is published monthly. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Phone: 916-455-1217. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95604. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lane, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Jim Siergey, Tab, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2010. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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February, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
3
Homeland Insecurity Despite an ever-vigilant security apparatus...
and tell-tale signs of danger...
it was once again alert passengers who saved the day. Blame, as usual, was easy to assign...
but one thing was clear. And that leaves it up to you-know-who. (continued)
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HUMOR TIMES
February, 2010
The holiday bombing attempt was bad news for most...
and Cheney had to surface once again to point out the obvious.
but it will make passengers uncomfortable.
A new solution was proposed...
Meanwhile, we’d better get our act together.
February, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
5
2010: I Know, How About a Predictions Column! 2010 Predictions Yes, I’m doing a predictions column. What’s the matter with you people? It’s the beginning of a new year. Hell, it’s the beginning of a new decade. That’s what journalists do: prediction columns. It’s a festive tradition. Like mistletoe or Hopping John or calling hospital emergency rooms when Uncle Bud goes missing in the wee hours of Boxing Day. And no, I don’t care that we’re already deep enough into the new year that most of our resolutions lie broken on the calendar floor like branches of a discarded Noble fir on the shoulder of a logging camp approach road. C’mon people, what am I, flying solo here? Deal with it. Or don’t. Because here they are: a list of predictions of what we can or should expect from various people during the 1st year of the second decade of the 21st century. I PREDICT THAT IN THE YEAR 2010: • The Airline Industry will make every effort to rid the skies of the most dangerous security threat known to man: panties. • Charlie Sheen will attempt to hire whoever is responsible for Tiger Woods’ damage control. • Barack Obama will finally purge himself of that overabundance of expectations for a bit of Congressional assistance. • Tiger Woods will win the Masters evidencing such a triumphant links return that other PGA wives will be encouraged to take 9 irons to their husbands’ Escalades. • Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi will direct his security detail to check out the firm responsible for Charlie
6
Sheen’s damage control. • Termed out California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will band together with Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal to form The Seniors Action-Star Film Series. • The US Congress will outline a plan to fix the Social Security problem once and for all that may or may not involve raising the retirement age to 83. • In order to thwart further underwear bombing plots, the TSA will perfect the speedy implementation of the two handed wedgie. (More on this later.) • The Teabaggers will actively set out to find someone in their movement involved in popular culture sufficiently to help them vet a new name. • Law & Order Producer Dick Wolf will create his own network and fill each and every prime time slot with Law & Order & Law & Order spin-offs including a posthumous CGI enhanced Law & Order featuring fan favorite Jerry Orbach. • Hillary Clinton will finally get rid of that piece of meat stuck in her craw. • Jerry Brown will receive a clean bill of health from his paleontologist and win the California gubernatorial election after being recognized as the biggest goober in the race. • George Steinbrenner will convince the Commissioner to award the 2010 World Series championship to the Yankees before the season starts to save wear and tear on his expensively fragile lineup.
HUMOR TIMES
WILL DURST • CEO of the CIA, Leon Panetta, will get a piece of meat stuck in his craw. • Former Vice President Al Gore will continue to cultivate a high profile in order to finally realize his dream of becoming a permanent cast member on Saturday Night Live. • Sarah Palin will actually finish, nah, never mind. The Two Handed Wedgie Just when you think we got enough to worry about, along comes a big old raging controversy over airports utilizing full body scanning machines that can see through fliers’ clothing all the way down to our naughty bits. All because of the underpants bomber. Yes, the underpants bomber. And no, it’s not funny, but then again, yes, it is. Here’s my theory: If the bad guys are willing to shove bombs up their butts, you know what, we’re not going to win that war. Who can afford to pay the necessary costs to hire people to check for this? “More anal probes please.” Because when we do come up with a defense for explosive suppositories, the terrorists will just develop some sort of kim chee, 1000-year-old egg, garlic-onion paste resulting in murderous bad breath. Another point as dependable as Tofu Corn Dogs at a Berkeley street fair is that these attacks always produce a surfeit of feigned media outrage leading to an equally transparent government overreaction. Pilots now have the option of restricting passengers from using rest rooms for the first and last hours of the flight. Battling terrorism with toity deprivation. And you thought those middle coach seats were groaty before. Captains have also been instructed not to point out landmarks along the way. And no peeking either. That would be cheating. Destination announcements – a thing of the past. From now on, guess where you’re going. Even though the fruit of the loom bomb didn’t go off, conservatives are still screaming it’s all Obama’s fault. And one thing that hasn’t changed with administrations is the Executive propensity for deflecting responsibility. Must be on page one of the White House primer they hand out with the keys to the front door. The official excuse reeked of recycling. “The information was there but nobody connected the dots.” Connected the dots? This guy paid $3000 for his ticket with cash, didn’t have a passport and flew sans checked baggage, all after the British tried to warn us and his own dad dropped a dime on him at the Nigerian embassy. Those aren’t dots. Those are day-glo beach balls the size of weather balloons filled with concrete. Not to mention Mister Abdulmutallab was flying from Amsterdam to Detroit. C’mon, people, think about it, who voluntarily leaves Amsterdam to go to Detroit? In the dead of winter? Without a frequent flyer number? Everybody on that flight should have been under suspicion and subjected to a body cavity search with a defective chain mail glove. Boarding and deplaning. But like our lame response to the shoe bomber, it’s only a matter of time before the TSA refocuses on the new most dangerous airborne menace known to man: poo-poo undies. Going to be tough training 45,000 screeners in the speedy implementation of the dreaded two-handed wedgie. Aah, the TSA: you got to love them. Fight ing to day’s se cu rity threats with yes ter day’s technology, tomorrow.
February, 2010
To Infinity and Beyond It was a brand new year... and we said farewell to the 00’s.
All in all, it was a decade we’d like to forget... and we’re hoping for a fresh start.
It’d be nice to imagine things will be different... but that might be wishful thinking.
February, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
7
Turning It Around The American worker is stretched thin...
and the middle class is getting pummeled.
Wall Street and the banks say the past is the past...
and they are moving on.
things are turning around.
Look on the bright side, they say...
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HUMOR TIMES
February, 2010
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Friends Don’t Let Friends Live Without Political Satire… Give the HUMOR TIMES! February, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
9
Stop the Abuse: End the Relationship Hello, I’d like to take a moment to address the millions and millions of you all across America who are currently stuck in an abusive relationship. Now I know what some of you are thinking: Who is Bill Maher to give me relationship advice? But that doesn’t mean I don’t know a dysfunctional relationship when I see one. You know who you are. Those of you staying in a relationship long after it’s turned bad. Sticking around despite the abuse – even as it’s gotten worse and worse over the years. Sticking around only because it seems easier than breaking up. That’s right, I’m talking to all of you that keep doing your banking at the giant, toobig-to-fail Wall Street banks that brought our economy to the brink of disaster, were rescued by trillions of dollars of our taxpayer money, then paid us back by using that money to hire lobbyists to convince our lawmakers in Washington to kill reform. They took our money... but cut back on lending. They took our money... and made record profits – and paid themselves record bonuses. They took our money... then returned to the risky behavior that led to the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression, with record unemployment, bankruptcies, and foreclosures. They took our money... but kept on with all t h e g r e e d y, a b u s i v e , r u t h l e s s , a n d cold-blooded practices that have earned them untold billions of dollars a year – year after year after year. Things like charging you outrageous fees for anything and everything, jacking up your credit card interest rate to 30% for being late on one payment (good thing sodomy is legal!), and refusing to renegotiate your mortgage after the housing bubble they helped create burst. These big banks, deemed “Too Big To Fail” by our Wall Street-friendly leaders in Washington, are convinced that they can get away with anything – because they always have. But here’s the thing. You don’t have to put up with this nonsense. You don’t have to stay in a loveless, abusive relationship with your Big Bank. In fact, it’s easy to get out – and into something much, much better. My friend Arianna Huffington has started a campaign designed to convince people to move their money out of these big banks and put them into smaller, local, community banks and credit unions that are more likely to see you as a person, not as an account number... and also to reinvest in the community where they are. It’s a pretty simple idea: If enough people who have money in one of the Big Six banks – that is, JP Morgan/Chase, Citi, Wells Fargo, Bank of Amer ica, Mor gan Stan ley and Goldman Sachs – move it into a local community bank or credit union, then collectively, we, the people, will have taken a big step toward fixing our broken financial system. It’s easy, and painless, and will send a powerful message to Wall Street and to our leaders in Washington. Face it: Real change is not going to come from Congress. It’s not going to come from the White House. And it’s certainly not going to come from the lobbyists Wall Street hires to make sure their special interests keep beating out the public interest. We’ve got to do it ourselves. And moving your money is a great way to start. This is not a conservative idea or a liberal idea. It’s not left or right. It’s populism at it’s best – and it’s already attracted people from all walks of life who are sick and tired of the Big Banks and are ready to do something about it. So it’s time to go break up with your banker and get the hell out. Go to MoveYourMoney .info and see just how easy it is to end your abusive relationship and find true banking love. Or, at least hot, sweaty, monkey, banking sex. Tell ‘em Dr. Bill sent you... – Bill Maher, Host of HBO’s “Real Time with Bill Maher,” January 13, 2010 (Video at www.huffingtonpost.com.)
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The Hightower Lowdown Anti-Terrorism Officials Are Regulating Us, Not Terrorists You didn’t get a virgin when you drew me as one of your political commentators, for I’ve been through the fires of Texas politics, including having been elected state agriculture commissioner. Among other duties, this office made me the regulator of such matters as pesticide use, the accuracy of gas pump gauges and even the sizing of eggs. I can tell you from experience that wielding regulatory authority is both a blessing and a curse for political officials. You can do some real good for the public, but your best efforts can also make fast enemies of the regulatees. So my general instruction to the staff was that we should not regulate just for the hell of it, just because we could. Rather, any rules we imposed should respond to a real need and should actually work – work in the sense that they would deliver the protection the public needs. We had a little internal slogan to guide us: “When in doubt, try common sense.” I’d like to loan this slogan to the national authorities in charge of protecting us from terrorist attacks, for they seem determined to restrict the American people rather than actually to stop terrorists. In response to the deranged Nigerian who tried to blow up a passenger jet with his underwear on Christmas Day, they’ve done a collective regulatory knee-jerk that is kicking us ever deeper into the wilds of security silliness. This was not their first knee-jerk. Thanks to the fizzled shoe bomb incident aboard a 2001 flight, they still require all of us who fly in our Land of the Free to bow to the gods of global ter-
rorism before entering the terminal by removing our booties and putting our tiny tubes of toothpaste in little zippy bags. This ridiculous ritual, we’re told, will fend off another shoe bomber. But terrorists seem to be somewhat adaptive (gosh, who could’ve imagined it?), so the latest attack co mes not from shoes, but from an al-Qaida guy’s shorts. The only way to stop this, cry the knee-jerkers, is to have authorities peek under every passenger’s skivvies. To allow airport screeners to do just that, corporate profiteers are peddling super-sophisticated x-ray machines with “superman eyes.” You will have to stand in the scanner, and spread your legs and raise your arms in the arrest position to give y our frie nd ly sc ree ner a front-and-back, full-body look right through your clothes. Supposedly, faces will be blurred out, but body contours of every man, woman and child who flies will be on the screen – and some images almost certainly will pop up on Internet postings. “So what?” bark the authorities. Freedom comes at a price, and this new rule is all about us protecting you. Really? Let’s note that one of the big backers of the full-body technology is former homeland security honcho Michael Chertoff. In dozens of interviews he gave after the Christmas incident, Chertoff demanded nationwide deployment of these machines to stop more underwear attacks by terrorists. Now, guess whose Washington consulting firm represents Rapiscan Systems, one of the major contractors selling the machines to the government. Right. Chertoff’s firm. Rather than searching every one of us, offi-
JIM HIGHTOWER cials need to be searching for actual terrorists, using old-fashioned intelligence-gathering and common-sense coordination to stop assailants before they even get to an airport. The Christmas Day bomber should never have gotten near that plane, for he was known by U.S. officials to be a terrorist threat. How did they know? His own father told our officials about him last November! Yet, in a gross failure of inter-agency communications, no official revoked his visa or put him on the “no fly” list. Our authorities want us to pay (in cash and liberties) for a whiz-bang technological gimmick that will enrich a couple of corporations, but will do nothing to stop the next thing the terrorists come up with. Let’s raise common sense to high places. One group fighting this latest tech no log i cal sil li ness can be reached at flyersrights.org. After spending several years trying to answer the supposedly incredibly complicated question of how we should eat in order to be maximally healthy, I discovered the answer was shockingly simple: eat real food, not too much of it, and more plants than meat. Or, put another way, get off the modern western diet, with its abundance of processed food, refined grains and sugars, and its sore lack of vegetables, whole grains and fruit. – Michael Pollan, author of “Food Rules”
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February, 2010
Skin Deep Harry Reid’s quote in a book was racially insensitive...
then Blago added his 2¢ about being ‘blacker than Obama.’
Sen. Reid later announced he won’t be seeking reelection...
Meanwhile, unconscious racism in America...
February, 2010
even though his remark didn’t even faze the prez.
continues to sully the national discourse.
HUMOR TIMES
11
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com • by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com • by Jon Carter
“We Report, You Decry!” Sarah Palin to Play Tina Fey on Fox Show
Google to Run IRS
‘I’m, like, humbled that God has anointed in me to help reform the evil media there’
WASHINGTON – At a Treasury Department press brief ing to day, Sec re tary Tim o thy Geithner announced that Google will begin management of the Internal Revenue Service’s tax collection operation starting in April. The company will assume all core operations of the government bureau, including collecting taxes, scheduling audits and calling delinquent taxpayers at 3:00 AM. “Google, with its ‘Don’t Be Evil’ motto, is a perfect match for the IRS,” said the Treasury Secretary. After order was restored, Sergey Brin in tro duced the new ad ver tis ing-spon sored “Google 1040” tax model. “The goal is to present the most relevant business opportunities to each taxpayer based on their specific financial situation,” said Mr.
Fox News confirmed that Sarah Palin is going to play Tina Fey on their new show Faux News or Fox News: You Decide. Ms. Fey is unavailable to host the show due to her huge comedic popularity so Fox News Executives asked Sa rah Palin; also hugely pop u lar for her co me dic value. “It turns out most Americans can’t tell the difference Now a part of that darned media. be tween the two women” said a representative from the Fox Network. “And those who can either love Sarah Palin or think she is a biggest joke ever-either way, Palin is a perfect stand in for Tina Fey.” A spokesperson for Ms. Palin said she is looking forward to working for Fox, “Sarah has a good sense of humor, the camera loves her and it will give her a good cover for any future political or geographical gaffs.” Palin is excited about the new show and likes the idea of being a “Polebrity:” a combination of a politician and celebrity. “You Betcha” said Palin when we caught up with her at yet another book signing. “It’s a perfect match for my love of the limelight, my good looks and my ability to appear as if I know what I am talking about.” On the new show, Faux News or Fox News: You Decide, viewers will vote by texting “real” or “faux” after each story to a number that will run on the screen during the story. “It’s a totally new direction for Fox News” said a Fox News Programming Manager. “Rather than letting our sponsors decide what is “news,” we’re going to let the viewers decide.” Stories voted real will appear later each evening on Fox’s News Late Edition. – Reported by Kate Morrison (laugh withkate.blogspot.com)
Fox: Palin’s Appearances to be Simulcast in English Millions to understand governor for first time NEW YORK – One day after announcing that she would be a commentator on the Fox News Channel, the network revealed that former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin’s appearances would be simulcast in English. “We are delighted that Gov. Palin will, for the first time, be un der stand able to the English-speaking audience,” said Fox News chief Roger Ailes. “This should create a whole new fan base for her.” Gov. Palin praised the decision, adding, “I know many Americans will be interested in understanding what I have to say and I will also too.” In a related story, Fox said it had “no interest” in hiring funnyman Conan O’Brien, explaining, “Sarah Palin takes care of our comedy needs.” Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
14
Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
YouTube may take over Department of Education Brin. “For example, if your taxes go up by fifteen percent or more from the previous year, Google 1040 might display an advertisement for ‘Lieberman-Limbaugh 2012,’ whereas if your taxes go down by the same amount, you would see ‘Obama-Lieberman 2012’ instead.” The text-only advertising model will extend to all aspects of tax processing, from Schedule A to Form 9984, even though nobody knows what it’s for. A fair system for selecting relevant ads would ensure “that TurboTax always appears first in the list,” according to Geithner. Google co-founder Larry Page discussed some of the more user-friendly aspects of the change. “We’re excited to introduce the ‘I’m Feeling Lucky’ feature to the core set of tax forms. Instead of filling out all of the line items,
taxpayers can, through a simple button press, schedule an audit and possible fines of up to $100,000, or 25 years in prison. Doing your taxes has never been this simple.” Mr. Page demonstrated the new system by typing “Fox News” into the “Taxpayer Search” field. The audit begins next Wednesday. President Obama praised the partnership. “This association marks a big step forward in the synergy between the public and private sectors. The changes won’t be immediate, and we may continue to see unemployment in the 20% range before – all right, very funny. Who put my popularity numbers into the teleprompter?” Reported by Tim Patrick, Humorality.com
NBC to Put Leno and O’Brien on Rotating Schedule ‘We’re the most innovative network in television’ says executive A Humor Times Special Report NBC announced a major shake up today with “the whole concept of television scheduling.” Moving Jay Leno to 10 PM “worked so well this year,” say network executives, that they want to con tinue com ing up with bold new ideas. “America is tired of the same ol’ time slots, and they want change. We’re the only network delivering it,” said NBC president Jeff Szucker. Beginning after the winter Olympics, NBC will put The Tonight Show, now hosted by former late night host Conan O’Brien, on at 10 PM instead of Leno, and put Leno back in his old slot at 11:30 PM. The following week, they plan on moving Leno over to midday, along with the daily soaps, in an effort to expand the show’s
fan base. “After that, we may try Jay in a morning show slot – he’d be a great wake-up show host, with all his energy!” said Michael Bass, Senior Vice President of Strategic Initiatives for the network. “And after that, who knows? We’ve got some great ideas. Maybe we’ll try Conan as a host for one of those paid infomercial slots – he could sell anything!” While Jay Leno is on during the day, the network said, they’ll probably alternate Jimmy Fallon’s late night show with O’Brien’s, “just to keep things fresh.” “I’m sure the hosts will love it. Great fodder for material. And we don’t mind the occasional joke at our expense, either – it’s all in good fun,” explained Mr. Bass.
The possibilities are endless, say network executives. “With the major networks like ours in decline and competing against all the specialty cable shows, we plan on attempting all kinds of crazy things,” ventured Szucker. “We could have a show within a show, we could play them backwards, we might even run Leno and O’Brien simultaneously, with a split screen and overlapping synchronized audio, where the hosts trade phrases and sentences on the fly. We’re so innovative, it’s scary!” he said.
Full-Body Scans to Double as Annual Checkups Touted as solution to both airport security and health care woes WASHINGTON – In what some in the White House are calling a “win/win” solution to the nation’s airport security and health care reform problems, starting next month U.S. airports will begin conducting full-body scans that will double as an nual phy sical checkups. President O b a ma a nBody scanning: Good for America. nounc e d the breakthrough solution, telling reporters, “With this all-purpose exam, we will be able to find everything from a hidden weapon to a spot on your lung.”
After scanning a passenger, Obama said, “We will either give you a clean bill of health or wrestle you to the ground.” The president added that instituting the body scan/checkup could ward off some terrorists right from the start, “because a lot of them will balk at the $25 co-pay.” But according to Davis Logsdon, who studies terrorism and health care reform at the University of Minnesota, the body scans may attract more terrorists than they deter: “If there’s one complaint that terrorists have about al-Qaida, it’s that they have lousy benefits.” Elsewhere, a new book claims that actor Warren Beatty slept with 13,000 women, making him the second-ranked golfer in the world. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
Blago Defends Remarks: ‘It’s a Black Thing, You Wouldn’t Understand’ Calls self ‘Blackest man in America’ CHICAGO – Hours after being quoted as saying that he is “blacker than Barack Obama,” former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said that he had been “misunderstood by the white media,” adding, “It’s a black thing, you wouldn’t understand.” But even as Mr. Blagojevich tried to explain his controversial comment, he may have dug a deeper hole for himself, telling reporters, “When I said that I was blacker than Barack Obama, I wasn’t singling him out - I am, in fact, the blackest man in America.” Raising the ante, Mr. Blagojevich urged report-
ers to consult an authority on the sub ject of bl ack ness: “Don’t take my word for it – ask Harry Reid.” Reached for comment, Sen. Reid (D-NV) said he was agnostic on the matter of Mr. Blagojevich’s black ness, but ‘Blackojevich’ added, “For a black man he does look rather light-skinned to me.” Elsewhere, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin said that God was responsible for her candidacy but neglected to mention He was also responsible for locusts. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
HUMOR TIMES
Senate Unveils CompromiseCareTM The Senate to day unveiled details of its health care plan, ten tatively called Compromis eCareTM: • Under CompromiseCareTM, people with no coverage will be allowed to keep their current plan. • Medicare will be ex tended to 55-year-olds as soon as they turn 65. • You will have access to cheap Canadian drugs if you live in Canada. • States whose names contain vowels will be allowed to opt out of the plan. • You get to choose which doctor you cannot afford to see. • You will not have to be pre-certified to qualify for cremation. • A patient will be considered “pre-existing” if he or she already exists. • You’ll be free to choose between medications and heating fuel. • Patients can access quality health care if they can prove their name is “Lieberman.” • You will have access to natural remedies, such as death. Re ported by Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
February, 2010
Detroit Officials Can’t Tell if Bomb Plot Was Successful or Not
Bad Sport
Fol low ing the widely motor company buildings re ported failed ter ror ist and cin ema com plexes plot aboard Northwest Airsure look like they took a lines 253, officials in Dehit.” troit have ad mit ted that “I’m not too sure what they cannot tell whether or hap pened out here,” he not Umar Fa r o uk con tin ued, “but it was Abdulmutallab – the alpretty bad.” leged plotter – was sucDespite widespread recessful in possible attempts ports that Mr Abdulmutalto devastate the city. lab was over thrown by Detroit: Hard to tell. Surveilling the affected pas sen gers and air line or unaffected area, the Motor City’s bewildered crew before he was able to blow up the plane, Mayor, Dave Bing, confessed that he couldn’t some residents are refusing to believe that the see any difference between the Detroit he has airliner did not explode over the city. presided over for the past 7 months and the De“You’re telling me that my city, which was troit that may or may not have been obliterated once the pinnacle of the American Dream, in a ruthless terror strike. turned into this overnight?” asked local resident “It’s sort of hard to tell,” said the Chuck Norman. “Bull. There are clearly things 66-year-old. “I mean, sure, there are no body that our own government is keeping from us.” parts lying around, but a lot of those downtown Reported by DailyFortnight.com
Baseball was back in the news...
Pat Robertson ‘A Public Relations Nightmare,’ Says God Almighty holds rare press conference NEW YORK – In the wake of his comments about the earthquake in Haiti, televangelist Pat Robertson has become a “public relations nightmare” and a “gynormous embarrassment to me, personally,” God said today. In a rare press conference at the Grand Hyatt in New York City, the usually reclusive Almighty said that He was taking the unusual step of airing His feelings in public because “enough is enough.” “I pray that his TV show would just go away,
but of course, when you’re me there’s no one to pray to,” God said, to the laughter of the packed room of reporters. While God held out no hope that Rev. Robertson’s “700 Club” would be cancelled any time soon, He did say, somewhat ruefully, “If Pat Robertson were on NBC he’d be replaced by Jay Leno by now.” Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
and the sport has come a long way.
Bush Calls Last Decade ‘Tough Act to Follow’ CRAWFORD, TX – The decade just past was “an awesome one in just about every way” and will be hard to top, according to former President George W. Bush. In a new interview with the for mer pres i dent, Bush reflected on what he believes will be known as “The Greaterest Decade.” “We won the war on terror in Iraq and Afghanistan, and we made the dream of home
ownership available to millions of Americans who couldn’t afford their monthly payments,” he said. “That’s a tough act to follow.” Bush added that of all his accomplishments over the past decade, he was proudest of “improving America’s standing around the world.” “Anywhere you go, people love America,” he said. “I see this in Crawford every day.” As for his successor, President Obama, he had some simple advice: “Never forget where you came from, which, in your case, is Kenya. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
McGwire Admits He Would’ve Hit More Homers Without Steroids Says he took them for health and just to be ‘one of the guys’ A Humor Times exclusive In a pub lic ad mis sion re cently, Mark McGwire finally came clean on his steroid use, which included the 1998 season, when he hit a record at the time of 70 home runs. But today, he stunned sports reporters and fans alike by candidly admitting it had actually lowered his home run production. “I always knew this day would come, but I didn’t know when. Eventually, I knew I’d have to get this huge burden off my back,” said a sometimes tearful McGwire. “It’s time I was truthful with America and with myself: I took steroids and I’m sorry. I disappointed so many fans who expected more out of me.” In an interview, McGwire said the steroids did not help him hit more home runs. On the contrary, he said, it “obviously slowed me down.” “The bulging muscles were fun for showing off to the ladies, but they just got in the way when I was trying to hit” he offered, adding, “I’m sure I would’ve gone way past what Barry Bonds did if I’d just stayed clean.” McGwire maintained that he only took steroids for health issues and to be “one of the
February, 2010
guys” – “Everyone was doing it, at least everyone I hung out with, an d I ju st wanted to fit in. H o w co uld I know?” he asked, qui etly b e g in n ing to sob. “Man, I miss McGwire: Steroids no help. t h o s e t i me s , though,” he mused. “The season that I set the home run record – it went by in a haze. All the press attention, the adoring crowds, the ’roid rage – I felt like a king! But it didn’t help me hit home runs, nope... not at all.” “I was such a great hitter, I think that baseball should overlook the steroid use in my case, since it only slowed me down. I should be in the hall of fame,” McGwire insisted. “And I’ll make it easy on major league baseball by not even mentioning my use of speed, cocaine and the occasional PCP and ecstasy binges.”
HUMOR TIMES
Meanwhile, Agent 0 made headlines for basketball.
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Haiti (Donation suggestion: doctorswithoutborders.org) Things went from very bad to disastrous...
in a place that was already suffering in a thousand ways.
Some people are pretty smug, feeling superior... but those types will surely stew in their own hatred.
After all, disasters can strike anywhere, anytime...
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and it’s up to us to do what we can. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2010
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If you aren’t outraged, you aren’t paying attention... But the HUMOR TIMES can soften the blow! February, 2010
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Media Mayhem Things got a little dicey over at NBC late night...
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as they searched for a creative solution...
to keep their big stars happy.
Over at Fox, they found a perfect fit...
so now that Palin is a part of that darned ‘media elite’...
things can only get stranger.
HUMOR TIMES
February, 2010
Argus Sez The Nixon Library released tapes showing that Richard Nixon didn’t like Johnny Carson. It wasn’t mutual. Johnny Carson needed fifteen jokes a night to pay off three mortgages and two ex-wives, and he worshiped the ground Richard Nixon walked on. Sarah Palin signed a huge deal with Fox News to provide news commentary on the cable channel. This will be good practice for her. Sarah Palin hopes to be the first Republican since Ronald Reagan who can shoot, breed and read a TelePrompter. David Letterman continued winning the late-night ratings war in January. He has overcome the adultery scandal. NBC just analyzed why Jay and Conan’s ratings are so low and they have decided to offer the Tonight Show to the governor of South Carolina. Daily Variety reports that the NFL playoffs are drawing the highest TV ratings ever. Everyone’s interested. If you put twenty-two men on a field and give them all concussions the odds are that one of them will come up with a better health care bill. Coach Pete Carroll exited USC to become the coach of the Seattle Seahawks when the NFL team met his terms recently. The coach demanded to have the power to hire or fire players no matter how much money they’re paid. It’s the same power he had at USC. The White House halted transfer of terrorist detainees from Guantanamo to Saudi Arabia. The Saudis were running them through an art school rehab. That’s a nice way of saying they were in an al-Qaeda train ing camp fir ing paintballs at each other. Game Change mortified Democrats when it hit bookstores with quotes from Harry Reid
ARGUS HAMILTON
calling Barack Obama a Negro and Bill Clinton calling him a coffee-fetcher. It’s retro week in America. Grocery stores are selling Pepsi in the old formula with real sugar in it and Democrats are once again the party that op posed emancipation. Harry Reid said Barack Obama was electable because he’s light-skinned with no Negro dialect. It’s no surprise. Harry Reid first caught the nation’s attention when he was a child actor in the Fifties and starred in the Disney movie High Yeller. Rush Limbaugh walked into his studio where he received a tempting offer from the Devil. Of course he turned it down. The Devil offered Rush a free pass from racial accusations for the rest of his career, but only if he becomes a Democrat. Nancy Pelosi caught heat for using three government jets to haul friends to Copenhagen. She booked five-star hotel rooms for fellow Democrats to help get a climate treaty and they accomplished nothing. Republicans say it’s money well spent. Northern Ireland’s first lady Iris Robinson resigned her seat in Parliament recently. Her affair with a nineteen-year-old boy surfaced. Ten years ago Northern Ireland honored President Clinton with a statue and he’s been a role model ever since. The White House said President Obama’s next goal was a new law to give illegal immigrants a pathway to citizenship. He’s making a big mistake. President Bush couldn’t get this bill passed even when there were jobs that Americans wouldn’t do.
Humor Times Subscribers! You can now read the Humor Times online too, in PDF or “Flip Page” format! If you subscribe to the Humor Times, you may now log in to your account (use the link at humortimes .com, under mailbox graphic on the upper left), and view the six most recent issues. Every page has color, too! (Printing it all in color is prohibitively expensive, but online it is not.) Of course, these are also available to our PDF subscribers. Enjoy! w w w . h u m o r t i m e s . c o m February, 2010
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Miscellaneous Mischief
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More Mischief
February, 2010
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Woman Who Stripped to Avoid Arrest Going to Jail SHEBOYGAN, Wisconsin – A 36-year-old Wisconsin woman who stripped in front of her children in a drunken attempt to avoid a shoplifting arrest was sentenced to six months in jail. Prosecutors say Julia E. Laack stole beef jerky and a lighter from a convenience store in October. They say when police went to her home she began screaming at three children and told a teenager the incident was his fault. Laack then stripped to her underwear and told officers they couldn’t arrest her because she would be naked.
Suspect Shocked and Handcuffed Himself TAVARES, Florida – A bumbling burglary suspect shocked himself with a stun gun and locked himself in handcuffs stolen from a police cruiser, Lake County, Fla. authorities allege. Shane Williams-Allen, 19, of Orlando was charged with multiple counts of burglary and theft, The Orlando Sentinel reported last month. After his arrest, Williams-Allen allegedly told authorities he accidentally discharged the stun gun and shocked himself while he was looking through the Ocoee cruiser. Days later, he “locked the handcuffs on himself and had to call the Clermont Police Department to respond to release him,” a sheriff’s affidavit said.
Science Project Mistaken for Bomb SAN DIEGO, California – Authorities say a San Diego middle school was evacuated when a student’s science project was mistaken for a bomb. A Fire-Rescue spokesman says a concerned vice principal prompted the evacuation of Millennial Tech Magnet Middle School recently. He says the 11-year-old was trying to build a motion detector with instructions he found on the Internet and parts he bought online.
The Ice-Cream Store With 860 Different Flavors MERIDA, Venezuela – You might imagine that the shop selling the largest number of ice-cream flavors in the world would be in Italy or perhaps the US, but in fact it is in the Venezuelan city of Merida. The neon sign outside with the words “Guinness Book of Records” written in pink, is an instant give-away but, once through the doors of a store called Coromoto, a huge selection of ice cream flavors boggles the mind. The selection includes chilli, tomato, gherkin, onion, mushrooms in wine, garlic and cream of crab, to name but a few.
Bank Robber No Longer a Police Officer MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota – Timothy Carson, accused of robbing an Apple Valley bank and possibly connected to a dozen robberies in the metro area, is no longer a Minneapolis police officer. Sgt. Bill Palmer said Carson’s tenure with the department ended January 14th. Palmer would not say whether Carson, hired in 2007, resigned or was fired. His law enforcement career ends as police departments around the metro area have built cases connecting him to a string of armed robberies in early January. Minneapolis police have asked the Hennepin County Attorney to consider charges against Carson in connection with five robberies.
Giant Porn Screening Stops Traffic MOSCOW – An enormous television screen showing a pornographic film caused a midnight traffic jam in central Moscow, as stunned motorists slammed on the brakes to gawk at the writhing naked bodies. The owner of the advertising screen, which sits atop a main road about two kilometres south of the Kremlin, told the state-run RIA news agency that hackers had broken into the screen’s computer system and turned on the porn.
Dumb Crook: Forgot Ski Mask Until Too Late NEW YORK – Police in New York say an armed robber forgot to pull down his ski mask until after security cameras, a store clerk and customer had already seen his face. Investigators said the video depicts the man entering Alba’s Grocery Store in the city’s Queens borough with two accomplices shortly after midnight Dec. 21, the New York Post reported. He did not pull down his ski mask until after demanding cash from the worker.
School Sorry for Insensitive MLK Jr. Lunch DENVER, Colorado – Denver Public School officials are apologizing after a parent complained that a school lunch meant to honor Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was stereotypical and offensive, reported KMGH-TV. The lunch was to include southern-style chicken, collard greens and a biscuit in honor of King. Denver Public Schools spokesman Michael Vaughn released a statement that said, “The plan to serve a Southern-style meal in recognition of Martin Luther King Day was well intentioned but insensitive in light of certain hurtful cultural stereotypes still harbored in parts of our society.”
Super Snake Fears on the Rise FORT LAUDERDALE, Florida – Fears of a new “super snake” emerging in the Everglades grew during a hunt to track South Florida’s invasive python population recently. A three-day, state-coordinated hunt that started January 12th had, by the following day, turned up at least five African rock pythons – including a 14-foot-long female – in a targeted area in Miami-Dade County. State environmental officials worry that the rock python could breed with the Burmese python, which already has an established foothold in the Everglades. That could lead to a new “super snake,” said George Horne, the water district’s deputy executive director.
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February, 2010
February, 2010
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