“I hope we shall... crush in its birth the aristocracy of our moneyed corporations which dare already to challenge our government in a trial of strength...” – Thomas Jefferson, 1816
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HUMOR TIMES
March, 2010
Editor’s Rant The issue of corporate “personhood” has come to the fore again, due to the Supreme Court decision in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, handed down on January 21st. But even some corporations didn’t like the ruling. Dozens of current and former corporate executives from corporations including Delta, Playboy Enterprises, Ben & Jerry’s, Seagram’s, Hasbro, Delta Airlines, Men’s Wearhouse and Crate & Barrel sent a letter to Congress asking it to immediately pass the Fair Elections Now Act, which would publicly finance all congressional campaigns out of a special fund created by a fee levied on TV broadcasters. They say they are tired of getting fundraising calls from lawmakers and now it will get worse. Of course, these smaller corporations are not the ones who will be doing most of the new spending anyway. It’ll be the mega-corporations, the ones that have been buying legislation through campaign contributions and their swarms of lobbyists on Capitol Hill for some time now. It’s just that now there will be no limits on their so-called “speech.” The concept of “corporate personhood” grew out of a Supreme Court case decided in 1886, San Mateo County v. Southern Pacific Railroad Co. However, it was just a note by the court reporter that somehow miraculously bestowed this status on corporations. J.C. Bancroft Davis, wrote for the court: “The court does not wish to hear argument on the question whether the provision in the Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which forbids a State to deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws, applies to these corporations. We are all of the opinion that it does.” Justice Hugo Black (who served on the Court from 1937-1971) wrote, “In 1886, this Court in the case of Santa Clara County v. Southern Pacific Railroad, decided for the first time that the word ‘person’ in the amendment did in some instances include corporations...The history of the amendment proves that the people were told that its purpose was to protect weak and helpless human beings and were not told that it was intended to remove corporations in any fashion from the control of state governments...The language of the amendment itself does not support the theory that it was passed for the benefit of corporations.” During the Court’s deliberations in this most recent decision, freshly appointed Justice Sonia Sotomayor suggested the majority might have it all wrong, and that the court should reconsider the 19th century rulings that first afforded corporations the same rights as flesh-and-blood people. Judges “gave birth to corporations as persons,” she said. “There could be an argument made that that was the court’s error to start with...[imbuing] a creature of state law with human characteristics.” Clearly, it is a flawed precedent. And instead of compounding the error by wiping out a hundred years of other precedent that at least put some limits on corporate spending in political campaigns, the Court should have corrected the original mistake, as Sotomayor suggested. Congress is debating a new bill that aims to counter the Court’s decision, but by most accounts – and like everything Congress does these days pertaining to corporate power – it is much too weak. Surely, the future of democracy itself in the USA is at stake. Until we can take the big money out of politics, our elected officials will continue to serve the entities that provide them with the money to run big, expensive campaigns, instead of the people. Corporate spending should not be protected as free speech, for it is just the opposite – the practice smothers the real free speech of actual citizens, rendering our views seemingly irrelevant. – James Israel, Publisher/editor Humor Times (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 19, Issue 219, is published monthly by the Humor Times, Sacramento, CA 95816. Application to Mail at Periodicals Postage Pending at Sacramento, CA and at additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95604. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lane, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Jim Siergey, Tab, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2010. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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March, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
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Corporations Are People Too The ‘non-activist’ Supremes overrode all precedent...
to help our Corporate Citizens exercise their God-given rights.
Some fear possible consequences... but they just don’t understand the ‘ownership society.’
Finally, Big Money is free to reach out to America...
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as corporate boards far and wide plot their strategies.
HUMOR TIMES
March, 2010
Reading Palms &Tea Leaves The Tea Partiers welcomed Sarah as one of their own...
and they share her views on those evil lefties.
Ordinary citizens can relate to her...
and is quickly splintering into subgroups.
The movement has evolved since ye olde days...
March, 2010
and she happily welcomed their adoration.
HUMOR TIMES
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The ‘Telepalmer’ and Notes for President’s Eyes Only The Original Palm Pilot A few words of advice for all you anti-Obama conservatives out there. Quit it with the whole teleprompter fixation, would ya? Okay, we get it, you don’t like the President. And you’ll throw the kitchen sink to attack him on everything under the sun; from being responsible for the recent rash of substandard Vermont maple syrup crops to the irksome infestation of grunge rock into country-western music all the way to wormy pears. Everything he stands for is bad, and everything he’s against is good. Got it. But in order to avoid major mortification, you’ve got to stop with the “overly dependent on the teleprompter” charge. Please. Really. You need a new argument. And trust me, there’s a veritable plethora of opportunities available. Why don’t you make fun of the way he cocks his head and looks Messianically upward like he’s trying to catch the whisper of God on an errant zephyr? Or you could profess incredulity at the global-cooling shade provided by his overlarge ears or remark on how he’s such a conciliator he probably clogs up the express lane for hours while dithering over the dilemma of “paper or plastic.” I’m serious here, and only trying to help. You look like idiots. For one thing, Everybody uses a teleprompter. No. No. No. EVERYBODY. I’m talking CEOs, news anchors, dog-catchers, dog-throwers, late night talk show hosts and every politician on the face of the planet. When Glenn Beck spits contempt at the president’s lame reliance on a teleprompter he’s reading his criticism… off a teleprompter.
A teleprompter is a tool. Like rolling notes. It’s the words that count. You might as well castigate cooks and chefs for their preposterous dependence on pots. What is it with fireman and their hoses? Ski poles are obviously snow crutches and anyone using them at the Olympics should be disqualified. And shot. Or are you just emulating Emerson by eschewing the foolish consistency that is the hobgoblin of little minds? I assumed that the President’s appearance in front of a group of Republican congressmen answering questions would put a stop to this ludiculous charge, since he skated for an hour and a half without benefit of notes or teleprompter or transmitter hidden under the back of his suit coat. But, no. You guys are like a pit bull with an invisible chew toy. At the recent Teabagger convention, which is like saying Republicans squared (uber elephants), Sarah Palin gave a speech mocking the President for using a teleprompter, while she was wearing crib notes inked on her hand. Talk about the Bering Sea calling the Chicago River moist. Hypocrite, or retro techno geek? After all, what are notes on a hand besides a fifth grade teleprompter? Hey, Sarah, so how’s that inky-palmy thing working out for ya? She had the words “energy,” “tax cuts” and “lift American spirits” written on her left god-given palm pilot. Apparently, she wrote her core beliefs on her hand as a way to emphasize them. Either that, or she was trying to provide her detractors and Katie Couric with indisputable proof that indeed she can read. Oh wait,
WILL DURST I think I’m starting to get it. I guess I got a chew toy too. My Two Cents I’m only guessing, but a major problem with being President has to be people around you being more likely to stick their face in a cast iron oscillating fan than tell you the truth. Let’s say you slip and fall and rip a hole in your pants down to your ankle while spilling hot coffee on a little blind girl in a wheelchair in front of a nationally televised audience. The worst you could expect to hear from a staffer is “well, that could have gone better.” Therefore, I consider it my patriotic duty to offer up a little unsolicited advice intended for the President’s Eyes Only. Yo. Barack. Dude. You should totally chill. And listen up. Why? Cuz I can tell you the stuff that Mister Chaff of Staff Rahm Emanuel can’t. And I won’t go all ballistic on your butt or singe your receptionist’s eardrums either. First thing. Don’t worry so much about the Republicans. They’re going to do what they’re going to do. You don’t even enter into the equation. Expect to be accused of everything. All the way from “done nothing at all” to “moved too quickly” and all permutations in between. At least you always know where these guys are coming from. From behind and in front and 16 different sides – throwing knives of negativity. It’s your so-called friends you need to watch out for. The ones who smile and nod and laugh at your jokes to cover the slip of a shiv between your third and fourth ribs on the left side. Trust me, with friends like these, you don’t need Richard Shelby. Unfortunately, most of your buddies are Democrats. Which is a lot like saying most of a general’s fighting force is terra cotta. The difference being terra cotta soldiers don’t cut and run so fast they leave little puffs of cartoon smoke. The second thing is, you need to develop an “or else.” Work with you, or what? Or Joe Biden sits next to you in the Congressional dining room and cuts your meat every day for a week? Lyndon Johnson plucked at the horsehair holding up the sword of Damocles for his “or else.” Walk the line or find yourself whisked back to your home district as a clerk in Park and Rec’s lost and found. His idea of compromise was letting you use his pen to sign your vow of allegiance. Finally, your people have lost all sense of urgency. You got to fire somebody. You know – ax. Can. Dump. Sack. Pink slip. Terminate with extreme prejudice. Discharge. Unassign. 86. Downsize. Furlough. Ease out. Make redundant. Perform a bum’s rush. Give the boot. Hand someone their marching orders. Assist in an accelerated career development shift. Impose a synergy related headcount restructuring. Heave a ho. It doesn’t matter who. Are you telling me in more than a year, nobody in the administration has made a mistake bad enough to be let go? Because if they haven’t, you have. If you can’t come up with an obvious target, pick someone out at random. You really want to put the fear of god into Team Obama, get rid of Michelle. Or one of the kids. That’s the best way of saying, “don’t anybody want to get too complacent.” Anyhow, that’s my advice. No thanks necessary, I’m here to help. First one’s free. Will Durst is a San Francisco based political comic who writes sometimes. Of which this would be a conspicuous example.
Would the Republican right and its tea-party populists – marginal, mockable political freaks less than a year ago – have en joyed their current growth spasm if the administration hadn’t been committed to bailing out the very institutions most peo ple considered the villains responsible for running this country into a ditch? Would the Democratic Party have been in im minent danger of losing its faltering grip on Congress had it found the will to pur sue serious health-care reform and environmental legislation, or wrestled the financial oligarchy to the mat as Roosevelt did? A long generation spent cowering in the shadows of the conservative ascendancy has left the newly empowered Democrats congenitally incapable of seizing their own historic moment... Conventional wisdom notwithstanding, off-year elections do not always favor the minority party. Indeed, 1934 may be the best example of the opposite effect. Exactly because the New Deal showed itself ever readier to junk the ancient régime, break with economic orthodoxy, and above all say goodbye to its erstwhile corporate friends, it was rewarded handsomely at the polls. None of that apparently will be repeated in 2010, given an administration that seems to be running a New Deal in reverse. – Steve Fraser, TomDispatch.com, Thurs. 11 February 2010
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HUMOR TIMES
March, 2010
Pedal to the Metal Things are changing in the auto industry...
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Friends Don’t Let Friends Live Without Political Satire… Give the HUMOR TIMES! March, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
7
Economics 101 The White House says we’re pulling out...
and that a bipartisan effort will restore confidence.
The Treasury Secretary knows his stuff...
and he says we must allow the market to operate.
Yes, it’s business as usual...
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helping to keep the American Dream alive.
HUMOR TIMES
March, 2010
Health Careless System The long battle is over, said Republicans...
and the good guys won.
Disaster averted, they proclaimed...
just happy to be of assistance.
A stripped-down version could still squeak through...
March, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
but don’t count on it.
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What They’re Saying Quotes on Issues of the Day Nothing in this country seems to be working to anyone’s satisfaction except the wealth machine that rewards those who game the system. Unless we break their grip on our political institution, their power to buy the agenda they want no matter the cost to everyone else, we’re finished as a functioning democracy. In this I am sympathetic to the people who show up at tea party rallies asking what happened to their jobs, their pensions, their security – the America they believed in. What’s happened, says the political scientist Sheldon Wolin, is the increasing cohabitation of state and corporate power. This is why I find the supreme court ruling so preposterous and ominous. Five radical judges have taken a giant step toward legitimating the corporate takeover of democracy. “One person, one vote” – stop kidding yourself... The huge sums of money that already flood our elections will now be multiplied many times over, most likely in secret... We’ll never know what hit us, and like the titanic, we’ll go down but with even fewer lifeboats. – Bill Moyers, on the Bill Moyers Journal, Feb. 19, 2010 The institution of Congress is politically bankrupt. The public’s trust is at an historic low. Reform from both the Right and the Left gets stalled in this first branch because the machine selling public policy – the evolved system of lobbying in America – has almost perfected its power to protect the status quo. Nothing changes regardless of which side is elected because the value of preserving what is is always enough to block that change. The only way to change this would be a system of small dollar, citizen funded elections. If Members were no longer dependent upon funding by special interests, they could begin to worry about what their constituents want, and not the wants of their funders. The Fair Elections Now Act, co-sponsored by John Larson (D-CT) and Walter Jones (R-NC) (and 133 other co-sponsors) would be a first step to that change. It is the obvious step that anyone serious about curing the pathology that is Washington would take. – Lawrence Lessig, HuffingtonPost .com, February 15, 2010 Although a recession is not the time to be preoccupied with getting the deficit down, the legitimate ways to do that are simple: cut military spending, reduce Medicare expenses by a real reform of the medical system, tax the very rich... The key thing is to get the dollar down, but rebuilding our infrastructure, investing in education – all those other good things progressives want – would also help. Trade deficits of 5-6 percent of GDP have to be made up with something: since we don't know how to invest massively; it's been high levels of consumption that cover t he def i cit. T his consumption has been driven by asset bubbles. – Dean Baker, macroeconomist and co-director of the Center for Economic and Policy Research in Washington, DC., in an interview on truthout.org, Friday 12 February 2010
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The Hightower Lowdown Greed Trophy up for Grabs By gollies, the top executives of health insurance corporations are not giving up without a fight! To paraphrase every high school football coach who ever lived, “When the going gets ugly, the ugly get going.” During the past several months, the Barons of Wall Street had established themselves as the vilest and most reviled corporate team in the land. They’ve been lavishing bonuses on themselves even as their firms continue to benefit from government bailout measures and even as ordinary Americans continue to struggle with the economic collapse caused by the bankers’ arrogance and avarice. Wall Streeters were widely considered a shoo-in to take the coveted Corporate Greedhead Trophy this year – but, holy cow, what a comeback bid we’re now seeing from the Giants of Insurance! Let’s recap their amazing charge: Last week, the news broke that America’s five largest health insurance companies (United Health, Wellpoint, Aetna, Humana and Cigna) had scored record profits in 2009, totaling $12.2 billion. This was a stunning 56 percent hike over the previous year, a drive made all the more impressive by the fact that these gains came during the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression. As American families struggled financially last year, Team Insurance was able to boot 2.7 million more people out of their private health plans, leaving those folks in the corporate dust. In an even slicker, hidden-ball play, three of the five giants cut the proportion of premiums they spent on their customers’ medical care, shifting
those premium dollars into corporate salaries, profits and administrative overhead. Even Wall Street’s Barons had to shake their heads in disbelief and marvel at the audacity of that play. By the way, buried in that increase for the insurers’ administrative overhead was a little statistic that often gets over looked: lob by ing expenses. The Big Five spent $16.8 million last year to lobby against comprehensive reform of our health care system. You youngsters should take note of that, for such attention to detail is what builds a corporate champion. The recession-time surge in insurance profits, the shedding of older and sicker customers, the lateral of more premium dollars into things like executive pay – these maneuvers alone would’ve moved health insurance up in the top tier of ugly industries. But then the industry ratcheted up its game another notch. One of Wellpoint’s subsidiaries heaved a “Hail Mary” pass that shocked everyone and catapulted insur ance into a se ri ous con tender for the Greedhead Trophy. In the same week that Wellpoint acknowledged that its 2009 profits were up by $2.3 billion over the pre vi ous year (a 91 per cent increase), its Anthem Blue Cross subsidiary in California caused a sensation by seeking to raise the premiums on its customers’ policies by as much as 39 percent this year. As befits a true Greedhead striver, Wellpoint neatly stiffed critics by asserting that this price hike was necessitated by the general increase in America’s health care costs – never mind that the corporation’s rise in premiums is actually 10 times more than the rise in the overall cost of
JIM HIGHTOWER health care. What a move! However, whether Wellpoint’s daring California score will be allowed is in question, for there was a flag on the play. State insurance zebras are questioning the legitimacy of the increase, causing a company executive to argue heatedly that while tens of thousands of customers would indeed be socked with a 39 percent jump in their premiums, the average rate increase would be a mere 25 percent, so the play should be OK. Come on, sports fans, ya gotta give ‘em some style points just for trying to get away with that. Still, can the upstart Insurance Giants hope to out-ugly the more-sophisticated Wall Street Barons? The great thing about Corporate America is that competition is always fierce for the national greedhead title, and insurance is now in the running. As sportscasters can tell you: Only time will tell, it’s not over ‘til it’s over, tomorrow’s another day, winners never quit/quitters never win, wait’ll next year, and it’s deja vu all over again.
“In most lines of work, a certain level of competence is expected. Unfortunately, this is not the case for those who set US economic policy.” – Dean Baker, Center for Economic and Policy Research
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March, 2010
In Sports News... The Super Bowl nearly lived up to its hype...
the Olympics had viewers glued to their seats...
and Tiger began testing the waters for a comeback.
March, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com • by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com • by Jon Carter
“We Report, You Decry!” Toyota Unveils New Slogan: “Drive a Toyota. You’ll Never Stop.” Hopes to reverse public relations setbacks TOKYO – Hoping to reverse a series of public relations setbacks, Toyota today unveiled a new slogan, “Drive a Toyota. You’ll Never Stop.” Com pany spokesman H i r o s h i Kyosuke said that the slogan was chosen after the company considered several others, including “Toyota Puts the Pedal to the Metal. And Keeps it There.” Mr. Kyosuke said that the company considered, but then abandoned, the slogan, “Toyota. The Last Car You’ll Ever Drive.”
Cup holders ‘Still working great’ In related news, Toyota said that despite problems with accelerators and brakes, the cup holders on its most popular car models were “perfectly safe to use.” “Feel free to enjoy the beverage of your choice and know that you can rest it in one of our cup holders with confidence,” said Toyota spokesman Hiroshi Kyosuke. “Our cup holders are world-class.” But Mr. Kyosuke’s upbeat comments about Toyota’s cup holders were undercut somewhat later in the day by congressional testimony from Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood. “ Y o u should only feel safe to use your cup holder if your To y o ta is p ark ed in your driveCup holders safe under 80 mph. w a y, ” M r. LaHood said. “At 80 miles per hour, the cup holder becomes a rocket launcher.” Toyota’s stock plunged 17 percent on the Transportation Secretary’s remarks, prompting him to issue the following statement: “Opposite of what I said.” Elsewhere, Tiger Woods denied reports that he had changed his ringtone to “Pants on the Ground.” And in other news, President Obama suffered a setback today when China rebuffed the United States’ offer to sell California. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Supreme Court Ruling Spurs Corporate Run for Congress First test of “corporate personhood” in political elections WASHINGTON – Following the recent Supreme Court ruling in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission to allow unlimited corporate funding of federal campaigns, Murray Hill Inc. today announced it was filing to run for U.S. Congress and released its first campaign video at youtube.com/user/murrayhillcongress. “Until now,” Murray Hill Inc. said in a statement, “corporate interests had to rely on campaign contributions and influence peddling to achieve their goals in Washington. But thanks to an enlightened Supreme Court, now we can eliminate the middle-man and run for office ourselves.” Murray Hill Inc. is believed to be the first “corporate person” to exercise its constitutional right to run for office. As Supreme Court obs e r v e r Ly l e D ennis ton w rote in his SCOTUSblog, “If anything, the decision in Citizens United conferred new dignity on corpo-
rate ‘per sons,’ treat ing them – The cam paign’s des ig nated un der the First Amend ment human, Eric Hensal, will help the free-speech clause – as the equal cor po ra tion con form to an tiof human beings.” quated “human only” procedures Murray Hill Inc. agrees. “The and sign the necessary voter regstrength of America,” Murray Hill istration and candidacy paperInc. says, “is in the boardrooms, work. Hensal is excited by this country clubs and Lear jets of new opportunity. “We want to get Amer ica’s great cor po ra tions. in on the ground floor of the deWe’re saying to Wal-Mart, AIG mocracy market before the whole and Pfizer, if not you, who? If not store is bought by China.” Corp. runs for office. now, when?” Campaign Manager William Murray Hill Inc. plans on spending “top dol- Klein promises an aggressive, historic camlar” to protect its investment. “It’s our democ- paign that “puts people second” or even third. racy,” Murray Hill Inc. says, “We bought it, we “The business of America is business, as we paid for it, and we’re going to keep it.” all know,” Klein says. “But now, it’s the busiMurray Hill Inc., a diversifying corporation ness of democracy too.” Klein plans to use autoin the Washington, D.C. area, has long held an mated robo-calls, “Astroturf” lobby ing and interest in politics and sees corporate candidacy computer-generated avatars to get out the vote. as an emerging new market. Reported by www.murrayhillweb.com
Republicans Filibuster Roll Call GOP emboldened by new 41-seat ‘Super Minority’ A Humor Times Special Report WASHINGTON – Claim to be saving America from the Dems “socialist agenda,” Republican s b ro k e his toric ne w ground in obstructionism by threatening a filibuster at the Senate roll call this morning, saying it was necessary to “avert the calamity of any further deliberation.” Any senator may demand a roll call at any moment to establish a quorum, so Republican Minority Leader Mitch McConnell did so, and then promptly announced the filibuster. Since all they have to do is threaten to filibuster, the Senators then bolted for their favorite bar. It appears that the Senate is now even more stymied than before, if that’s possible. “We
can’t do anything,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “since we only have an 18 seat majority.” “Let’s face it, we’re going to filibuster anything the Democrats offer anyway, so why even bother convening the Senate? This saves everyone time and effort, and that’s what the American people want,” said Senator John McCain. “In case you forgot, I was a prisoner of war, and I fought for this freedom. Even though I used to be against filibusters. But that’s when we had the majority.” The GOP has made no secret that they are determined to shut down all Senate activity until they can win back the Congress. “We don’t work well as a minority, so we’re going to throw
a tantrum until the American people right this ter ri ble wrong,” said Sen a tor McConnell. “They should’ve known better,” he added. “We’re really sorry if we acted presumptuously,” offered Sen a tor Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), “we should’ve considered their feelings. Next time, before we introduce any bills, I’m going to personally run it by Senator Joe Liebermann first. He knows the pulse of his party – er, I mean of the Republican Party – best.”
Ahmadinejad Denies Plans to Enrich Iranians Iran’s con tro ver sial pres i dent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has denied allegations that his regime is planning to enrich Iranians. Speaking in Tehran this morning the isolationist pres i dent said t h a t t h e se n e w claims are the result of “Western propaganda” aimed at politically discrediting his administration. Ahmadinejad “Let me make one thing absolutely clear to the United States of America,” he said. “We halted our Iranian enrichment program way back in 2005, just after I was first elected. I am certainly not trying to enrich Iranians, nor do I have any plans to so in the fu-
ture”. Following last year’s corrupt election process, the United Nations has been keeping a close eye on activity coming out of Iran; threatening the Persian country with further sanctions if it fails to halt its growing neglect for basic human rights. But Ahmadinejad, who was re-elected in a “landslide victory” last June, was defiant today before a delegation of political opponents. D e s pite his firm rh et o r ic , how ever, Ahmadinejad conceded that enrichment might be extended to oil executives and Ayatollahs, but reiterated that it would not be used to develop the welfare of the general public. Meanwhile, it has been reported that Iran is seeking to build an arsenal of nuclear families. Reported by DailyFortnight.com
Congress Finally Passes Health Card Reform ’A historic day for Congress and the American people,’ says Pelosi Still smarting from the loss of Ted Kennedy’s senate seat, congressional Democrats mobilized late Friday evening to pass a controversial Health Card Reform package. The legislation, which takes effect next month, represents a massive overhaul of the nation’s health-focused greeting card industry. The bill’s sweeping changes include a new federal agency that will oversee the crafting of heartfelt sentiments, which has brought a swift rebuke from conservative pundits. “Thomas Jefferson would be turning over in his grave if he knew
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how liberals had hijacked the American Greetings dream,” said radio host Rush Limbaugh. The Rev. Jesse Jackson, President Obama’s pick to lead the new Office of Sincere Gestures, responded in card-like verse: “The Founding Fathers had a plan, bringing cheer to all the land.” The landmark Hallmark legislation includes a billion-dollar “health card stimulus” that will dispatch a card to every American scheduled for surgery in the next two weeks. A last min ute amendment by Montana Senator Max Baucus opened the stimulus plan to illegal aliens. Once
the stim u lus ends, low-income families will still be able to ap ply Health Card reform finally here. for fi nan cial assistance on any card priced over $1.99. “Never let it be said,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi declared, “that we didn’t deliver a great health card reform package to the American People.” Reported by Tim Patrick, Humorality.com
HUMOR TIMES
Apple Launches Text-sharing Device, the CoTex Absorbs heavy flow of data, says Jobs CUPERTINO – In the same week that it launched its much-touted iPad, Apple introduced its lat est gamechanger to the tech m a r ke t p l a c e , a text-sharing device called the CoTex. “There are a lot of devices out there that can absorb data,” said Apple founder Steve Jobs. “But nothing absorbs more than a CoTex.” Mr. Jobs said that when used in conjunction with Apple’s just-released mobile device, the AllWays StayFree, “the CoTex has what it takes to handle a heavy flow of information.” When asked about the flurry of new products that Apple has released at the end of January, Mr. Jobs mused, “I guess it’s that time of the month.” Elsewhere, a new poll shows that 90 percent of Republicans who did not hear President Obama’s State of the Union address disagreed with it. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
March, 2010
Who’s Afraid of Gays in the Military? The policy has always been clear...
but may be changing soon.
McCain may be reneging on his position...
but military brass is coming around.
The change will affect boots on the ground...
March, 2010
but not much else.
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The Sub-Super Majority The prez envisioned a very different first anniversary...
and feared his positive message was collapsing.
When he gave his first State of the Union address... he tried hard to inspire once again.
Obama is still determined to turn things around...
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but Republicans have their own ideas. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
March, 2010
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Super Minority After the State of the Union speech...
Republicans invited Obama over for a roast.
They had some issues with him...
and they are determined...
to stand firm...
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for what they believe in.
HUMOR TIMES
March, 2010
Argus Sez The third snowstorm in two weeks buried the South and Eastern Seaboard in February. For hundreds of miles, snow banks along roads were piled five feet high. The good news is that Priuses won’t even need brakes until the spring. France issued a warrant for the arrest of U.S. cyclist and Tour de France winner Floyd Landis for ly ing to French dop ing offi cials. He’s Amish. They thought he might be doing steroids when he stopped three times during the race to raise a barn and still won. President Obama told reporters he’s doing the best he can to deal with the deficit left by President Bush. It’s worth a try. Last night a comedian who impersonates Obama had a bad set at the Comedy Store in L.A. and he blamed it on Will Ferrell. Holly wood raunchy film director Kevin Smith was pulled off a Southwest Airlines flight before takeoff for being too fat. He gets no respect on a plane. Last year three United passengers walked out on one of his movies halfway over Kansas. Al-Qaeda in Yemen was reported to be recruiting English-speaking terrorists to carry out attacks in the U.S. They’ll pay big bucks to anyone who’s bland and doesn’t attract attention. Could this be the job Evan Bayh left the Senate to take? Senator Bayh’s pullout from the fall race ignited a speculative frenzy over who will run in Indiana to replace him in the Senate. Everybody noteworthy in the state of Indiana was asked if they will run. Peyton Manning said he will pass. The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show was held in New York’s Madison Square Garden recently. The standards were higher than ever in this year’s competition. Two Lhasa Apsos were eliminated when they were found to
ARGUS HAMILTON
have a credit score under seven hundred. President Obama appointed White House lawyer Rashad Hussain to be the U.S. envoy to the Organization of the Islamic Conference. It had to be a Muslim. Anglo-Saxons won’t attend any conference that doesn’t include a golf tournament with prizes. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that Iran has enriched enough uranium to manufacture a nuclear weapon. This anger gets him nowhere. Last week he dared the U.S. military to bomb him in his home and now his kids can’t get any playdates. Hillary Clinton was King Abdullah’s guest for lunch in Saudi Arabia in February. As a gesture of informality the king turned on sports news on a big screen TV during their meeting. It’s how heads of state endure Hillary when they don’t have an intern program. Bill Clinton’s arch-nemesis Ken Starr left the Pepperdine Law School in Malibu to become the president of Baylor. It’s for political reasons. In Malibu people think Kenneth Starr is Satan but in Texas he’s the Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. U.S. Marines and British armor pushed into the southern Afghan town of Marjah last month. It’s the financial and marketing center of the poppy and opium trade. On orders from the White House, all thriving sectors of the global economy must be crushed. Mattel allowed people to vote for a career for the Barbie doll and the overwhelming choice was news anchor. The blonde doll was introduced fifty years ago. That makes her twenty years too old for Fox News and ten years too young for CNN.
Humor Times Subscribers! You can now read the Humor Times online too, in PDF or “Flip Page” format! If you subscribe to the Humor Times, you may now log in to your account (use the link at humortimes .com, under mailbox graphic on the upper left), and view the six most recent issues. Every page has color, too! (Printing it all in color is prohibitively expensive, but online it is not.) Of course, these are also available to our PDF subscribers. Enjoy! w w w . h u m o r t i m e s . c o m March, 2010
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Miscellaneous Mischief
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HUMOR TIMES
March, 2010
More Mischief
March, 2010
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“Something’s Wrong With This Lady” HUNTSVILLE, AL – Dr. Amy Bishop’s court-appointed attorney said in their first conversation in jail, the biology professor – who is charged with the February killing of three colleagues – asked if she still had a job. “She doesn’t remember shooting those folks,” said attorney Roy W. Miller. “Her history... speaks for itself. Something’s wrong with this lady.” Bishop, 45, allegedly opened fire in a UAH biology faculty meeting on Feb. 12. She also shot and killed her 18-year-old brother in the family’s Braintree, Mass., home in 1986, which was ruled an accident at the time. She was also arrested for assault in 2002 after she hit a customer in the head and cursed her for taking the last booster seat at a Peabody, Mass., IHOP, and she was a suspect in an 1993 attempted pipe bombing of a professor at Harvard University, where she completed her doctorate in genetics.
Mitt Romney’s Alleged Attacker: Rapper Sky Blu Los Angeles rapper Sky Blu was named by TMZ website on Friday as the mystery man who attacked Republican politician and former presidential hopeful Mitt Romney on an airplane. Blu, of electro-hop group LMFAO – known for hits such as I’m in Miami Bitch – allegedly physically threatened Mr Romney on an Air Canada flight leaving Vancouver on Monday morning. According to video taken by one of Blu’s travelling companions and cited by TMZ, the incident was sparked when the musician, who was sitting in front of Romney’s wife Ann in the economy section of the plane, moved his seat back. Romney allegedly shouted at Blu to put his seat back. Blu claimed Romney then reached forward and grabbed his shoulder, so he slapped the 62-year-old Republican’s hand away. Authorities then boarded the plane and escorted Blu off the flight.
City Prevented from Digging Up More Dead People Those buried in St. Johannes Cemetery can rest in peace, for now. A state appellate court granted a temporary restraining order Thursday night, stopping the City of Chicago from relocating any more graves from the historic cemetery that borders O’Hare International Airport. “We said there are some very important constitutional issues that involved religious rights that the circuit court had refused to hear,” attorney Joseph Karaganis said of the motion-to-stay filed February 10, reports the Daily Herald. “It would make no sense if the cemetery was gone by the time the appellate court heard these issues.” The City had removed approximately 20 graves so far to make way for a new airport runway. The court order bars any further disinterment even if the city has already received permission from next of kin.
Muslim Soldiers Tried Poisoning Fort’s Food Supply Five Muslim soldiers were detained at Fort Jackson in Columbia, S.C. before Christmas – reportedly in connection with an attempt to poison the food supply at the basic training facility. The five soldiers had apparently been in contact with a group of Muslim extremists in Washington, D.C. Those individuals were recently arrested by Pakistani authorities after relocating to that country to “wage jihad” against U.S. soldiers stationed overseas. It is reported that the suspects were part of a Arabic translation program called “09 Lima” and used Arabic as their first language.
School Used Webcams to Spy On Students at Home PHILADELPHIA – The FBI is investigating a Pennsylvania school district accused of secretly activating webcams inside students’ homes, a law enforcement official with knowledge of the case told The Associated Press. The FBI will explore whether Lower Merion School District officials broke any federal wiretap or computer-intrusion laws, said the official. Days after a student filed suit over the practice, Lower Merion officials acknowledged Friday that they remotely activated webcams 42 times in the past 14 months, but “only to find missing student laptops.” Families were not informed of the possibility the webcams might be activated in their homes without their permission in the paperwork students sign when they get the computers, district spokesman Doug Young said. Remote-activation software can be used to capture keystrokes, send commands over the Internet or turn computers into listening devices by turning on built-in microphones.
Elton John: Jesus Was a Super-Intelligent Gay Man “I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems. On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving,” said Elton John in a rambling interview. The rock-star turned philanthropist spoke openly about the mistakes he made in past relationships – from getting involved with drugs to acting like a caretaker rather than an equal. “I’d always choose someone younger,” he told Parade. “I wanted to smother them with love. I’d take them around the world, try to educate them. One after another they got a Cartier watch, a Versace outfit, maybe a sports car. They didn’t have jobs. They were reliant on me. I did this repeatedly. In six months they were bored and hated my guts because I’d taken their lives and self-worth away. I hadn’t intended to.”
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March, 2010
March, 2010
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