Humor Times, April 2010

“We will not be driven into an age of unreason if we dig deep into our history and remember we are not descended from fearful men.” – Edward R. Murrow

Issue #220

April, 2010

19th Anniversary Issue!

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April, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

3

Army Develops Blinding Chili Grenade INDIA – India has unveiled the latest hot new weapon – a grenade made using the world’s hottest chili, reported The Sun on Friday. At more than a thousand times stronger than the average cooking spice the bhut jolokia chili is set to cause a potent explosion on more than just the taste buds.

When deployed the grenade showers the targets with a dust so spicy that in trials subjects were blinded for hours and left with breathing problems.

Lead scientist R.B. Srivastava, from India’s Defense Research and Development Organisation, said: “The chilli grenade is a non-toxic weapon and when used would force a terrorist to come out of his hideout.

Woman Is Living Proof That She’s Not Dead WALNUT CREEK, CA – Being dead can be a real drag, especially if you’re alive.

Just ask Doris Temple, 85, a Navy veteran who learned in January that the government had declared her deceased. Strongly suspecting an error, she protested, but not before she lost her health insurance and thousands of dollars in income – Social Security benefits as well as private insurance and pension payments.

All the while, she got letters addressed to “the estate of Doris Temple,” some of which included condolences. And when she tried to rent a Walnut Creek apartment last month, Pacific Gas and Electric Co. wouldn’t hook up her utilities because, as a corpse, she had a lousy credit score.

By Thursday, after weeks of work by her and her son, much of the damage from the mistake – which the Social Security Administration eventually fixed – had been reversed. But Temple remained wary.

Dracula Wannabe Bites NYC Cabbie NEW YORK – The NYPD is looking for the public’s help in finding a man wanted for the attempted robbery of a city livery cab.

Police say the suspect pulled a black semi-automatic handgun and demanded the driver’s money, but when a struggle ensued, the suspect proceeded to bite the cabbie repeatedly on the neck, arm and back.

The suspect entered the cab and asked to be taken to a location near Bronx Community College.

Police said when they arrived to the destination, the suspect pulled the gun and demanded the cabbie’s money.

Ex-con Admits Killing Pen Pal, Encasing in Cement SAN DIEGO (AP) – An ex-convict pleaded guilty to first-degree murder Thursday for killing his 80-year-old prison pen-pal lover, entombing the man’s body in cement in a garden and then using his victim’s money on a spending spree.

Thomas Jeffrey Brooks, 41, will be sentenced in June to 75 years to life in state prison. Prosecutors said Brooks, who had an arson conviction, was in a federal prison in Victorville when he became pen pals with Edward Clayton Andrews.

After his release in 2007, Brooks moved into Andrews’ mobile home in the Riverside County.

Andrews was last seen alive at the home on May 30, 2008. That night, Brooks withdrew $500 from Andrews’ account at an Orange County ATM, prosecutors said.

Over eight months, Brooks withdrew $24,000 from Andrews’ accounts, made $108,000 in phony check deposits and bought hundreds of dollars in goods at dozens of stores with the victim’s credit cards, prosecutors said.

A few days after Andrews vanished, a neighbor received a letter supposedly written by him that said Andrews and Brooks were on a trip.

In fact, prosecutors said Brooks asphyxiated Andrews. He and an accomplice encased the body in a concrete-and-chicken wire egg that Brooks built in a backyard rock garden at his landlord’s home in San Diego.

Hacker Disables More Than 100 Cars Remotely AUSTIN, TX – More than 100 drivers in Austin, Texas found their cars disabled or the horns honking out of control, after an intruder ran amok in a web-based vehicle-immobilization system normally used to get the attention of consumers delinquent in their auto payments.

Police with Austin’s High Tech Crime Unit on Wednesday arrested 20-year-old Omar Ramos-Lopez, a former Texas Auto Center employee who was laid off last month, and allegedly sought revenge by bricking the cars sold from the dealership’s four Austin-area lots.

“We initially dismissed it as mechanical failure,” says Texas Auto Center manager Martin Garcia. “We started having a rash of up to a hundred customers at one time complaining. Some customers complained of the horns going off in the middle of the night. The only option they had was to remove the battery.”

The dealership used a system called Webtech Plus as an alternative to repossessing vehicles that haven’t been paid for. Operated by Cleveland-based Pay Technologies, the system lets car dealers install a small black box under vehicle dashboards that responds to commands issued through a central website, and relayed over a wireless pager network. The dealer can disable a car’s ignition system, or trigger the horn to begin honking, as a reminder that a payment is due. The system will not stop a running vehicle.

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HUMOR TIMES

April, 2010

Editor’s Letter

Spring Rafting is Here!

Welcome to the big, 28 page 19th Anniversary Issue of the Humor Times! Yup, for nearly two decades we’ve been proudly making fun of politics and public figures for your humorous edification!

We feel that political humor is an important part of a democracy – it allows us to let off some steam about what’s going on and smile, rather than frown, about it. In a time of so much ill-will and rancor between people with opposing beliefs, it’s rejuvenating and disarming. In a way, it’s a celebration of our country, a land where people are free to dissent in any way they see fit.

Make Your Spring Truly Memorable with an Exciting, Fun Whitewater Trip!

Speaking of celebrations – get ready to party with us at the Humor Times 19th Anniversary Bash! It’s at the Fox & Goose in downtown Sacramento, Friday, April 9th, at 7:30 p.m. There will be live music, giveaways and you might even be a star, as director Matt Shapi will be there with his crew filming the event for a short video online. Admission is just $5.00. Check out the back cover and our website

Featuring: The North Fork American River Call for Specials!

(www.humortimes.com) for more information. We hope to see you there!

And speaking of great political satire, don’t miss Will Durst, longtime touring comedian and columnist in this publication, in his one man show, “Lieutenant Governor from the State of Confusion” at the Crest Theatre, downtown Sacramento, Saturday, May 8th, at 8:00 p.m. Opening will be Keith Lowell Jensen of the Coexist Comedy Tour. (See ad, page 9.)

Spring Rafting now!

Guide School available now through June 1st

As we begin our 20th year, we’re planning some big improvements with our online presence. We’ll be sprucing up the site, adding more ways for you to participate, and down the road we hope to start producing some original video content and more. Stay tuned for more announcements!

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E R R I V

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Humor Times (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 19, Issue 220, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 1617 26th St., Sacramento, CA 95816. Application to Mail at Periodicals Postage Pending at Sacramento, CA and at additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217.

Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lane, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Jim Siergey, Tab, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2010. No part may be reproduced without permission.

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Final Push There’s another ‘donut hole’ that needs to be filled... and our elected leaders are rushing to help.

The prez urged compromise... but Repubs wanted a do-over.

Dems decided to try a radical procedure...

6

that Republicans say they never even heard of. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2010

saying it was time to stand up for health care.

Obama called for a summit...

and costs are out of control.

He said we need some serious medicine...

being well paid to do so. (continued pg. 10)

The GOP continued to fight for their constituents...

April, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

7

Health Care Madness / Congrats to Canada Kooky Kabuki Terrain This health care thing has driven people crazier than Johnny Depp in a Max Fleischer cartoon on acid. Pro or con, your rhetoric better be cranked up to eleven and soaring past the outer orbit of Neptune, or you’re going to be as invisible as a tax collector with a soggy paper plate full of Swedish meatballs sitting next to the deceased at a wake.

Talk show host Rush Limbaugh jumped into this peculiar March Madness feet first, threatening to leave the US should health care reform pass. He must realize for a lot of people, that’s a big win-win. And if the prospect of his permanently playing ex-pat doesn’t motivate progressives, nothing will. He even mentioned Costa Rica as a possible destination. Where they have universal heath care. Just like every industrialized country in the world. Although your access to Oxycontin may vary.

Eric Massa, the New York Democrat who admitted grabbing a staffer’s staff, embarked on a media based whining tour charging he was hounded out of office by the White House and smeared because of his opposition to health care reform. But even though he was willing to speak ill of the Administration, Glenn Beck washed his hands of Tickle-Me-Eric, after the former Congressman trotted out some intra-personal top bunk Naval snorkeling documentation. When a pissed off Democrat is too far gone for Glenn Beck, things truly have escalated into kooky Kabuki terrain.

Meanwhile, in another part of town, Senator Orrin Hatch

railed that if Democrats try to jam a health care bill through Congress it will destroy bipartisanship. Oh no. Not that! They’re killing the dodo. Apparently this guy is more worried about a dead fan tasy than sick Amer i cans. Then Sen a tor Mitch McConnell ratcheted up the exponential wackiness by warning Democrats they face Electoral Armageddon in the fall, which isn’t fair – it’s like regaling six year old girls with tales of the hairy spiders that live under their bed before saying “sleep tight.”

Obama, his own self, can be found careening around the country like an over-caffeinated Chihuahua engaged in a last ditch effort to sell the bill to what you might call his hesitant posse. Yeah.

Recalcitrant Democrats. What are the odds? Like calling a flash flood “irksome.” Hell, at this point Obama would be happy to pass anything. Health care. The jobs bill. A hook pattern. Kidney stone. Toyota Prius.

The overwhelming discombobulating apprehension is the President isn’t just piloting his own kamikaze fighter into the carrier of health care, he’s sending vulnerable troops on the same suicide mission. One that will make Gallipoli look like a weekend pass at an Istanbul brothel. After all, its not his butt on the re-election line this fall, and the GOP strategy to stall proceedings has frothed Democratic incumbents into such a lather, the sweat dripping off their faces is shorting out microphones all across this great land of ours.

Now we’re hearing the target passage date might be a bit more elastic than the waistband of a RINO’s tutu. The good news is

WILL DURST sooner or later, this bill will either become law or not become law and everybody can settle back down to their normal routine of accusation, obfuscation and procrastination until election day. But until then, keep taking your vitamins, this health care debate seems to be making a lot of people sick.

Oh Canada, Eh? Dear Canada. Way to go, you hosers. Did yourself proud and put on one heck of an Olympics. Congratulations for providing an incredible seventeen days of thrills and spills on the ice and snow and in the slush and fog. That was a winter games for the ages, except for that excruciatingly obvious lack of winter thing. As it turns out, Washington DC might have been a better host city, but who knew? Although, a quick call to Al Gore might have been worth the international toll call charges.

May I also offer up a big old heaping pile of thanks for keeping Celine Dion out of the Opening Ceremonies. I’m sure it was under the direction of Prime Minister Harper, counseled by a group of high-powered Ottawa lawyers to comply with certain articles of the Geneva Convention, but still, please accept the grateful indebtedness of an entire planet. Then again, no Neil Young? I think you missed a slam-dunk there, eh?

And good on you for winning the most golds. You may not have owned the whole podium but you certainly did hog that center platform, didn’t you? You really deserve to go out and celebrate. Use a pocket full of loonies and buy yourself some extra gravy to pour over your poutine.

Not to mention, could Bob & Doug McKenzie have asked for a more exciting conclusion? Yes, I’m talking the hockey final. At the arena you call The Hockey Place. Which I love. “What should we call that place where they play the hockey there?” “Oh, I know. The Hockey Place.” That is so you.

Of course, you must be aware we allowed you win. Yeah. We did. Threw the match. Let the red and white triumph over the red, white and blue. I mean, come on, its hockey. It just seemed to mean so much more to you. And you were the hosts and it being your national sport and all. And you know what, it just felt like the right thing to do. Now, the Russians in ’80, that was a different matter. And by the way, where were you in that? Oh that’s right, you missed the medal round. See, you let us win on our home ice.

We did the same for you. Don’t you always take a dive when it comes to Olympic baseball? Quid pro zamboni.

You know that phrase, “we really couldn’t care less.” Nailed it.

Have you seen the ratings for the Stanley Cup down here? Regularly gets beat out by “Murder, She Wrote” reruns on the Hallmark Channel. We wouldn’t know a blue line from fuschia linen pillow cases. For US sports fans, hockey ranks right behind the women’s NCAA sweet 16 for water polo.

Not trying to hork your excitement here, but I mean, come on.

You Canuckleheads must have had known something was up. A notion. A glimmer of a suspicion. A slight case of dubiosity. Telltale signs were everywhere. Remember we wiped the ice with you in the prelims. Huh? All part of the script. Then, who’s the hero? Nova Scotian, Sidney Crosby, old number 87, scores the winning goal in overtime? You telling me you didn’t know it was a set up? How bout this: you don’t say nothing, we don’t say nothing. No need to thank us; what are neighbors for? Anyhow, once again, well done on the great games, and oh yeah, love your bacon. But you know what, it tastes a lot like ham.

Will Durst is a San Francisco based political comic who writes sometimes. He is touring the country with his new one-man show, “The Lieutenant Governor from the State of Confusion,” and is coming to the Crest Theatre, Sacramento, on May 8th. (See ad, opposite page.) His new CD, “Raging Moderate” is now available from Stand-Up Records.

If you're going to be painted as a socialist for expanding [health care] nationwide, and you're not going to win Olympia Snowe's vote, even by giving her everything she wants, why not push for even better subsidies, a national exchange, and a public option? Because you're scared they'll call you a double socialist?

– Satirist Alex Pareene, quoted in a blog by Ari Melber, TheNation.com, 3/15/2010

8

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2010

COMEDIAN WILL DURST

ime Longt in the nist colum r Times!

Humo

Performing His New One Man Show

Lieutenant Governor From the State of Confusion

Live Cres at the t The atre

Plus Special Guest Keith Lowell Jensen from the Coexist Comedy Tour

“HIGHLY RECOMMENDED! DURST IS AT HIS SLY, SAVVY BEST. A SHARP ONE MAN SHOW.” – The New York Times “A GREAT POLITICAL SATIRIST! ONE OF THE FUNNIEST GUYS AROUND!” – Fox News Radio

Saturday, May 8, 2010 8:00 p.m.

“IF YOU’RE TIRED OF POLITICS AS USUAL, YOU’LL LOVE WILL DURST.” – WOR Radio “ONE OF THE GREATEST COMMENTATORS OF ALL THINGS POLITICAL. HE’S ONE OF THE BEST.” – Rachel Maddow MSNBC

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Don’t miss the HUMOR TIMES 19th ANNIVERSARY BASH! April 9, 2010 at the Fox & Goose, 10th & R, Sacramento. (See ad, back cover!)

April, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

9

Final Push (conclusion) It’s natural to fear the unknown...

but then again, the known is pretty scary too...

as greedy insurance corporations go on gouging.

Tea Party groups continued doing their thing...

and jobs programs were put on hold...

10

as Dems held their noses and plunged forward.

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2010

Israel

Iraq Iraqis voted...

Israel gave Biden a moving welcome...

pledging to build toward peace... and the count was very high...

Meanwhile, life death goes on.

and suitably honoring the V.P.

April, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

11

What They’re Saying Quotes on Issues of the Day Those who wonder whether public anger at big banks and the Move Your Money sentiment sweeping the country is substantial enough to impact these giants need only look at the banks’ own marketing over the last few weeks to see the proof.

In a spate of new advertisements and PR maneuvers, the nation’s largest banks are working hard to win us back.

They are, in effect, standing on our doorstep, flowers in hand, trying to convince us they’ve changed.

They’re using words like “local” and “community,” because they know quite well that there’s a rival for our affections. A recent Zogby poll found that nearly one in ten Americans had moved at least some of their business to small banks or credit unions.

One jilted lover, Citibank, has launched a blog devoted to showcasing the “new Citi.” The site, which Citibank is promoting through newspaper and magazine ads, features a video statement by CEO Vikram Pandit, who offers a few vaguely apologetic statements before detailing how Citi is a changed bank.

We’ve given up boozing and gambling, Citibank seems to be saying as Pandit assures us that the new Citi has embraced “a culture of responsible finance.”

In his opening post, Pandit describes this as a “new chapter” and invites us to par tic i pate in a con ver sa tion. “We promise we’re listening,” he writes.

So far, many of the user comments, which are moderated, appear to come from Citibank investors, but a few disgruntled customers have managed to get through. “What Cit has done to ‘help’ me in the last year: interest rate increase to 29 percent!” writes Peter. “I have never been late with a payment...

[You have] a total lack of caring toward your customer base.”

– Stacy Mitch ell, HuffingtonPost .com, March 11, 2010 If having the government regulate and subsidize health insurance is a "takeover," that takeover happened long ago. Medicare, Medicaid, and other government programs already pay for almost half of American health care, while private insurance pays for barely more than a third (the rest is mostly out-of-pocket expenses). And the great bulk of that private insurance is provided via employee plans, which are both subsidized with tax exemptions and tightly regulated.

The only part of health care in which there isn't already a lot of federal intervention is the market in which individuals who can't get employment-based coverage buy their own insurance. And that market, in case you hadn't noticed, is a disaster — no coverage for people with pre-existing medical conditions, coverage dropped when you get sick, and huge premium increases in the middle of an economic crisis. It's this sector, plus the plight of Americans with no insurance at all, that reform aims to fix. What's wrong with that?

– Paul Krugman, New York Times, March 11, 2010

The Hightower Lowdown Stiffening the Backbones of Democrats You know what we need to juice up the performance of our weak economy? Viagra.

Yes, America needs a new Viagra, specifically targeted to stiffen backbones – in particular, the limp backbones of Barack Obama’s team, as well as the flaccid spines of Democratic congressional leaders. Where’s the drug industry when we really need it?

The Obama-ites seem incapable of firm stands. They excite us by boldly addressing our economic woes, then they seduce us by proposing stout actions. But when it comes time to follow through – it’s droopsville.

Take America’s job crisis. Obama and the Democrats eloquently empathize with the plight of struggling families who are falling out of the middle class. They point out that after Wall Street banksters crashed our economy and created the Great Recession, which began in December 2007, the number of jobs available to Americans has plummeted by more than 8.4 mil lion. Since then, an other 2.7 mil lion jobseekers have come into the workforce. That leaves us in a hole that is 11.1 million jobs deep.

The White House and Congress correctly note that our economy must not merely stop losing jobs, it must create more than 400,000 new positions a month for the next three years just to get us out of this hole. Nothing is more important, they tell us, blowing kisses of compassion and promising satisfaction.

“Our three most important priorities in this Congress,” says Rep. Bob Ethridge, a North Carolina Dem ocrat, are “jobs, jobs, jobs.”

Obama himself has titillated the hopes of work-

ing families by proposing a $266 billion national emergency program to put America to work.

Strong stuff – let’s get it on!

Sure enough, after a lengthy romancing of their Republican colleagues (who are devout believers in an abstinence-only job-creation policy), the Democrats finally made their move last week. With the support of five GOP senators, the “jobs, jobs, jobs” bill passed in both houses of Congress.

But ... what a letdown. To win those five Republican senators, Democratic leaders shriveled their job investment program from a robust $266 billion to a frustratingly puny $15 billion. Even such phony Casanovas as Sen. Chuck Schumer had to confess that the “package is not a panacea; it’s not going to solve everything.”

Everything? Chuck, admit your impotence.

At most, this bill might stimulate the creation of 250,000 new jobs – a bit short of the 11 million that America needs just to get back to where were in 2007, much less the need to create an economic path to lead us into a bold future of new, sustainable, middle-class job creation.

In fact, the Democrats’ response is even weaker than it appears. Rather than directly creating jobs that pay workers, the $15 billion is going into tax breaks for businesses. The convoluted hope is that the money will “encourage” the recipients to hire a few people who’re suffering from long-te rm job l es s nes s . Thi s trickle-down approach is even more pathetic than trying to fight a house fire with a squirt gun, for it doesn’t even put the squirt gun in the hands of the people caught in the fire

JIM HIGHTOWER What the Democrats have done is to pass a do-nothing Republican bill, a reality that was blurted out by Sen. Orrin Hatch, one of the five GOPsters to vote for it: “This is a conservative approach to help put our economy back on track through tax relief, not government spending.”

What a fraud. And an insult. Remember when Wall Street bankers shouted “Fire!” two years ago? Both parties rushed to the rescue, not with “conservative” tax relief, but with trillions of public dollars that they put directly in the hands of the same Wall Street arsonists who started the fire.

We expect pious Republicans to consider millions of struggling American workers to be less worthy than a few greedheaded bankers, but not the Party of Roosevelt. Yet one Democratic leader said of this feeble bill, “Better something than nothing.”

Maybe they’re fooling themselves – but not us, and certainly not the jobless. This bill is nothing. And if Democrats don’t stiffen their spines, they’ll be nothing, too.

“No exceptional circumstances whatsoever, whether a state of war or a threat or war, internal political instability or any other public emergency, may be invoked as a justification of torture.”

– Ar ti cle 2.2 of the UN Con ven tion Against Torture (the U.S. is a signatory)

Reach down deep and GIVE to those in need …

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April, 2010

April, 2010

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com • by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com • by Jon Carter

Stop Moving Forward Toyota was questioned by Congress...

and was very persuasive.

He was very sorry...

but insisted there was no reason to rush repairs.

They are determined to keep ‘moving forward’...

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however, customers have been less than impressed.

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2008

Trickle Up Wall Street continues its wild ride...

but Congress is on the case.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, they say...

but financial storms are spreading like wildfire.

Meanwhile, the little guy can’t get no respect...

November, 2008

and relief is hard to find.

HUMOR TIMES

17

“We Report, You Decry!”

Colleagues Praise Massa for Reaching Around the Aisle Always groping for solutions, staffers say WASHINGTON – Pro vid ing so me pushback to the criticism he has suffered over the past week, colleagues of former Rep. Eric Massa, D-N.Y., praised him today, with one Republican staffer saying, “Congressman Massa was al way s eager to reach arou nd th e aisle.”

T r a c y Klugian, the GOP congressional aide who offered that defense, said that Massa “could always be counted on to grope for solutions.” Klugian described Massa as a tireless worker: “He might be taking a shower with his staff, but he was still keeping an eye on things the whole time.”

As for his legislative style, Klugian said, “No matter how ticklish the fight became, Eric was always very hands-on. He would grab a problem by the balls and not let go.”

In a related story, the Bureau of Labor Statistics said the number of Americans making cheap jokes about Massa rose to 48.5 million this week.

“I think the country’s new obsession with Massa is a very positive development,” said golfer Tiger Woods.

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

Tiger’s Penis Issues Rebuttal ‘He does not speak for me,’ says furious member PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL – Just minutes after Tiger Woods vowed to lead a life of decency and integrity, the golf legend’s penis issued a furious rebuttal.

“Let’s make one thing very clear,” Mr. Woods’ penis told a select group of reporters. “Tiger Woods does not speak for me.”

Mr. Woods’ penis sought to draw a clear distinction between his plans and those of the PGA champion, particularly concerning their futures on the golf tour.

“Tiger has said he is not returning to the tour,” Mr. Woods’ penis said. “I am here to say that Little Tiger is definitely putting it out there.”

Reaction to the statement by Mr. Woods’ penis was mixed.

“The world needs to forget about everything else and focus on the Tiger Woods scandal,” said the chairman of Toyota.

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Jesus to Run in 2012 Presidential Election GOP not sure what to think HEAVEN – Jesus Christ today announced His candidacy for the President of the United States in 2012. Rather than commencing with the long awaited Second Coming, the Big Three have apparently changed game plans and decided that the political path was a better way to reach modern man. Following Obama’s success of accomplishing the seemingly impossible by getting a black man elected to the world’s largest democracy, the Holy Ones say they believe the “time is right for a true miracle” – getting a proven ethical man elected.

At first, Republicans greeted the newcomer with open arms as one of their own, thinking He would be aligned with their platform. However, once it became obvious that Christ was in support of such “socialist” activities as free healing of the masses, casting money lenders out of Wall Street temples, turning the other cheek against enemies, understanding and forgiving sinners, as well as many other “un-American” leanings, they changed their minds.

Now, as a solid block, the GOP has begun a program of character assassination on their former Savior. Ignoring their long-held support of

Jesus, they’re now painting Him as weak, soft on crime, against war and anti-American. FOX News has assumed the lead, with all their pundits taking turns defaming their former Lord, giving Him the Judas kiss.

Such statements as these have been forthcoming in recent days: Bill O’Reilly: “Look who this Jesus hung out with back in Israel – prostitutes for God’s sake!

And simple fisherman. Will he be bringing his buddies into the cabinet with him? What sort of a government will we have then? A loser convention? Of course that would fit in well with the Democrats.”

Karl Rove: “The Nazarene has no political depth at all. He would be perfectly happy forgiving every criminal in America and trying to straighten them out. He’s also a bit too much into wine too if you ask me.”

Ann Coulter: “This guy has liberal written all over him. Just look at his hair and clothing! Do we want this man representing America? He looks like an Indian fakir!”

Rush Limbaugh: “There is no way this guy is fit to run a country! He might be good at making high and mighty speeches but you didn’t see

New candidate promises transparency, compassion and “healing miracles.”

him getting tough with the Romans did you?”

Dick Cheney: “This wimp Jesus thinks we should turn the other cheek with terrorists?

What sort of a son of a vengeful God is that?”

Sean Hannity: “Someone like this becoming President would be disastrous. He’s probably a communist.”

Reported by Roger Freed

Canada Hopes To Be On TV Again Sometime Soon OTTAWA, CANADA – After weeks of being featured on televi sion during the Vancouver O l y m p i c G a me s , Canada left excited to be a part of show business, and hopes to be on television again soon.

Worldwide viewEnjoyed brief moment in sun. ers saw Canada excitedly waving and holding signs that said, “Hi Mom.” Canada also shared the screen in the ‘Visit British Columbia’ commercials during the Olympics with big stars like Ryan Reynolds, Michael J. Fox and that one white basketball player who used to have long hair.

Canada has spent the last several days pursuing leads that may result in a return to television.

Canada has also gone to a photographer in order to obtain professional head shots, and has hired an agent in the hopes of making better contacts in the world of TV. “Canada may not have a lot of TV experience, but it has all been quality work,” said agent Thomas Mulroney. “Our hope is to join forces with the U.S. and create a North American TV powerhouse.” Canada ultimately would love to pick up a sitcom role, co-starring as another country’s wacky neighbor.

“There is no stopping Canada’s television career now,” Mulroney said. “I’m sure the offers are going to roll in, and it won’t be for roles like the 1970’s. That’s when Canada was only on TV with Dudley Do-Right and those hunters who clubbed baby seals.”

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

Obama Rips Bankers Not Already in Cabinet WASHINGTON – In a sharply the door, leaving the room virtually worded speech, President Barack empty.

Obama today blasted all of the naOnce the room had cleared, tion’s bankers who are not currently Obama resumed his attack on bankin his cabinet. ers, using his strongest rhetoric to Speaking from the White House, date: “If you do not clean up your Obama said, “I want to send a strong act, I am prepared to give you heck.” warning to this country’s bankers,” In other news, an intelligence before turning to his economic team source downplayed the capture of and saying, “I don’t mean you guys.” the Taliban’s No. 2, stat ing, “It After the president excused them sounds like a big deal until you reObama & Geithner. from listening to the rest of his admember that our No. 2 is Biden.” dress, approximately 100 former bankers filed out Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

GOP Lawmaker Demands Recall of Car That Drove Him to Gay Club Calls gay car a ‘menace’ SACRAMENTO – Anti-gay California State Sen. Roy Ashburn today demanded a sweeping recall of the vehicle that drove him to a gay nightclub this week. Ashburn, a Republican who has consistently voted for anti-gay legislation, said that the car drove him to the club “against my will.”

“If we are recalling cars for problems Gay car called a “menace.” with their brakes and power steering, then surely we should be recalling vehicles that force there for hours, resulting in

18

their drivers to go to ga y nightclubs,” Ashburn said.

The senator said not only did the car drive him to the gay nightclub, but it forced him to enter the club and part y his later arrest for

DUI. “I can’t tell you what a menace this car is,” he said. “It really is the gayest car I’ve ever seen.”

In addition to calling for a recall of the gay car, Ashburn said he would sponsor legislation mandating that all California vehicles be fitted not only with GPS, but also gaydar.

In other news, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin offered this appraisal of her standup comedy performance on “The Tonight Show”: “I was like, I’m not going to quit my day job, but then I remembered I already did.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

HUMOR TIMES

Introducing the Hot New Social Network, PhoneBook Allows user to call friends, speak to them SILICON VALLEY – A new social network is about to alter the playing field of the social m e d i a world, and it’s called P h o n e Book.

Ac cordi n g t o i ts c r e a t o r s , Called “simple, yet effective.” who invented the network in their dorm room at Berkeley, PhoneBook is the game-changer that will l eave Facebook, Twitter and even Google Buzz in a cloud of dust.

“With PhoneBook, you have a book that has a list of all your friends in the city, plus ev eryone else who lives there,” says Danny Fruber, one of PhoneBook’s creators.

“When you want to chat with a friend, you look them up in PhoneBook, and find their unique PhoneBook number,” Fruber explains. “Then you enter that number into your phone and it connects you directly to them.”

Another breakout utility of PhoneBook allows the user to arrange face-to-face meetings with his or her friends at restaurants, bars, and other “places,” as Fruber calls them.

“You will be sitting right across from your friend and seeing them in 3-D,” he said. “It’s like Skype, only without the headset.”

PhoneBook will enable friends to play many games as well, such as charades, cards, and a game Fruber believes will be a breakout: Farm.

“In Farm, you have an actual farm where you raise real crops and livestock,” he says. “It’s hard work, but it’s more fun than Mafia, where you actually get killed.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

April, 2010

Texas Re-Education The Texas Board looked to make some adjustments...

sanctifying education...

and helping their students to see straight.

Movie review:

The Yes Men Fix the World

by James Israel The Yes Men, Andy Bichlbaum and Mike Bonanno, have been masquerading as corporate spokesmen for over a dozen years, getting themselves invited to corporate events and proceed ing with un der stated, yet out ra geous multi-media presentations that fool many, perplex others and in the process use absurdist humor to expose said corporate entities for their criminal negligence and systemic greed.

disaster – food, water, clean air and so on. Many attendees at these events are shown with incredulous expressions as they listen to the presentations, but somehow, as the Yes Men continue with perfectly straight faces, they all seem to buy in.

Their stunts have been reported on all kinds of news shows, who tag them as “anti-globalization activists,” “world renowned troublemakers” or just “sick, twisted and cruel.” They’ve presented themselves as being from Haliburton, the World Trade Organization, Coca-Cola, Dow Chemical and even as government spokesmen.

Some of the best moments in the film are after the hoaxes have been exposed, and we see the reactions of those who were originally affected by the events the Yes Men are addressing. The news media called the stunts things like a “cruel hoax” on the people, and yet, when the crew goes to, for example, Bhopal or New Orleans to talk to the actual victims of the disasters, they are thrilled that The Yes Mens’ “Halliburton SurvivaBall” somebody did something to call atArmed with nothing but thrift-store suits, tention to their lingering situations. crumpled notes and lots of nerve, the Yes Men In the end, the Yes Men decide their pranks parody their corporate targets in ever more ex- didn’t accomplish enough. They still needed to treme ways. As their new film’s tagline says, “fix the world,” and it looks quite impossible.

“Sometimes it takes a lie to expose the truth.” So why not give people a glimpse of the world And never was exposing the truth so fun, and so hilarious.

It takes a rare bird to even think up the stunts these guys manage, and an amazing, determined courage to pull them off. These are two of the most creative activists ever. And although they are by now quite experienced at their craft, they still admit to getting nervous before going out on another “job.”

A typical job starts with preparing a faux corporate website, with a url very similar to the real company’s site. They’ll use that as their calling card, or virtual fly ointment, as it were, waiting for some unsusA rapt corporate audience listens to a Yes Men presentation. pecting corporate conference organizer to buzz by, looking for a speaker. Then, as if it was “fixed?” How would it look? So they invitation in hand, they’ll come up with some re cruited a team of peo ple and pro duced outrageous strategy, taking zany ideas and pre- 100,000 copies of a faux edition of the New York Times and distributed it all over the city. senting them as perfectly normal.

It was full of hopeful articles, explaining how the pressure of mass mobilization of the people forced government to do the right thing, and end the wars, rein in big banks, subsidize college educations, invest in clean energy, etc., etc., and how these changes were positively affecting the economy and quality of life. As the faux masthead says, it was “All the News We Hope to Print.”

Like many of their stunts, the fake newspaper made news itself, garnering the attention of media all over the world. As Yes Man Mike Bonanno says at the end of the movie, “If a few people at the top can make the bad news happen, then why can’t all of us at the bottom get together and make the good news happen, for a change, for real?”

Part of a “SurvivaBall” brochure.

Like the time they came up with the “Halliburton SurvivaBall” – a big synthetic bubble that a person can climb inside, and which would supposedly provide all the critical survival items someone might need in case of

At our Friday, April 9th Humor Times Anniversary Party (see ad, back cover, and the humortimes.com website for details), we will be giving away samples of the faux NYT, as well as free copies of the movie to a couple dozen or so lucky attendees. There’ll be live music, a video shoot, back issues and much more, all for merely $5 admission! See you there!

HUMOR TIMES ANNIVERSARY BASH, April 9th! (See back cover) April, 2010

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19

Ethically Challenged Democratic Rep. Rangel wasn’t worried...

but didn’t like being treated like a nobody.

Massa felt ganged up on too... saying that mean ol’ Rahm got him in the shower.

He went on Beck’s show...

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making for an interesting dynamic. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2010

But Pelosi said she’d take appropriate action.

Meanwhile, the prez is still struggling with his habit...

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Biding Their Time Republican strategy has remained constant...

and appears to be working.

They’re practiced at the art of vilification...

and are hoping to seize the moment...

as they continue to work the crowd.

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Meanwhile, Cheney just won’t go away.

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2010

Argus Sez Tiger Woods announced he will return to the PGA tour at the Masters in Augusta in April.

Bookmakers made him a four-to-one favorite.

Augusta National Country Club does not allow women so you figure his concentration should be excellent.

Capitol Hill phone lines were jammed by health care reform opponents recently as debate raged in Congress. It was chaos. The phone lines were so tied up that lawmakers were forced to use their own cell phones to make their NCAA tournament bets.

Jamie McCourt was revealed to be planning to leverage her position as president of the Dodgers to run for U.S. president. It fell through when she got caught cheating. The John Edwards story isn’t even a stage play yet and already there’s a road company.

Toyota paid four thousand auto workers a quarter billion dollars in severance pay recently as they closed their California plant. They have to get rid of the cash. If you leave it lying around, the trial lawyers are just going to break in through the windows.

Israel’s Ambassador to the United States said that U.S.-Israeli relations are at a crisis point.

Things are tense. This would be a good time for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to remind everyone that her husband’s last girlfriend was Jewish.

Tea Party members stormed Congress in March to protest health care reform. They are serious. Many of them are Southern Baptists and they just elected a nude male model U.S. senator from Massachusetts over the candidate who favored health care reform.

President Obama urged Democratic House members to vote for health care reform even if the vote costs the congressmen their jobs. For-

tunes of war. If they wanted to be on the government payroll for life they should have become auto workers.

Democratic former congresswoman Marjorie Margolies assured former House members there’s life after Congress if voters run them out over health care reform. It was a sign that Democrats are getting cold feet on health care. When Democrats say everyone must sacrifice for the greater good they expect to get a sponsor’s exemption.

The State Department warned college students against going to Mexico on Spring Break.

Drug cartels have been executing Americans.

Mexico would do a lot better in world markets if they would learn not to kill or kidnap their best customers.

Tiger Woods enlisted the aid of public relations advisor Ari Fleischer to help him handle the media. He needs improvement. Tiger’s last press conference was so robotic that TV viewers thought it was an infomercial for a high-tech sex doll.

Lady Gaga released a video in which she and Beyonce gleefully kill their boyfriends by poisoning them. It includes a triumphant dance routine inside a women’s prison. Of course it’s a fantasy, celebrities would never be convicted in Los Angeles.

John Edwards’ mistress Rielle Hunter discussed her adulterous affair with John Edwards in GQ magazine. He’s in big trouble for using campaign donors’ money to support her and keep her quiet. John Edwards always said there are Two Americas, one where people work hard and raise their families and another one where men can be themselves.

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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