Humor Times, May 2010

“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” – Peter Ustinov Issue #221

May, 2010

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HUMOR TIMES

May, 2010

Editor’s Rant I’d love to see both the left and the Tea Party types be open enough to see where their interests overlap. Lefties make fun of Tea Partiers (“teabaggers”) because they see them as duped by Fox News and Sarah Palin, and seriously misinformed. Tea Partiers see lefties as brainwashed and believing in pie-in-the-sky solutions that will only lead to more taxes and higher deficits.

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However, the two groups do have converging interests. For example, they both rail about the bailout of Wall Street, and the fact that nothing much has been done to change the culture there. Both believe “too big to fail” is just too big. Many on the left even feel the Obama administration is too cozy with the Street, and that the Democrats in Congress are too spineless or too influenced by the big campaign donations from the financial sector.

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But the left also sees that Republicans are just as guilty, if not more so, at relaxing the rules over past decades to the point where financial institutions were able to get away with gambling our nation’s wealth. Teabaggers tend to exonerate the right with regard to their role in the financial meltdown, and focus solely on the Democrats’ culpability. Don’t be such hero worshipers – look with open eyes at the faults in your own side’s culture and personalities.

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If both sides were to look further, they’d see more they could agree on, such as government waste and pork. But it’s hard to see commonalities when you’re screaming at the other side, labeling and pigeonholing them, reducing them to caricatures.

We somehow have to get to a place where we see there is no future in division for division’s sake. We’ve got to reach out, look to other sources of information, read what the other guy reads once in a while. This way, not only can you see where they’re coming from, you might actually learn something you didn’t know.

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Humor Times (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 19, Issue 221, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 1617 26th St., Sacramento, CA 95816. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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May, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

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Tea-ing Off While there is some historical precedent...

the new version is a little over the top.

Responsible GOP leaders are trying their best... to rein in the rambunctious group...

but they’re finding it’s not so simple...

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and things aren’t going quite like they’d hoped. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2010

Tea Partiers like to say they’re Christian-based...

Don’t be fooled by the misleading words “Open Primary.” Prop. 14 (a Top Two system) will actually limit your voting choice to only two candidates in November.

You will have more choices in the June primary election, but only two choices in November. The two highest vote-getters in June will be your only choices in Nov.

and they are concerned about extremist rhetoric...

Those two candidates could be from the same party, especially in strongly Dem. or Rep. districts. And no third party candidates will make it to the November ballot.

This “Top Two” system has favored incumbents and eliminated third parties in the two states where it has been tried.

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Resistance Is Futile Watching Sausages Otto Van Bismarck said, “Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made.” Sausages? We would have loved to have seen some sausages. We would have killed for sausages. As any Wisconsin boy can tell you, sausages cooked indirectly over mesquite coals until crispy blistered then slathered with Stadium Sauce nestled in butter-grilled buns under a layer of fried onions can taste pretty darn yummy.

What we got was cut-rate, irate hot dogs. The ugly spectacle of Congressional wieners pummeling each other over health care was as appetizing as mixing snail guts and lizard tripe and cephalopod eyeballs with sour cream and yellow food dye then serving it on a fungus covered bark chip. And no, I’m not talking about the spinach dip at The Olive Garden.

This isn’t a “pox on both their houses” deal either. Like psychic vultures sensing imminent putrefaction, Republicans amplified their pontificating protestations to a high-pitched squeal; piercing enough to annoy canines all across this great Northern Hemisphere of ours. In the throes of a pseudo-religious ecstasy, one Texas Republican chummed the waters by calling a Michigan Democrat “Baby Killer” on the floor of the House, frenzying his posse of nitwit accomplices into hurling the N-word, the F-word, half a dozen bricks, a handful of death threats, several mouths full of red hot spittle, gum wrappers, a jewel encrusted black ceramic bird (the stuff that dreams are made of), two faxed nooses and possibly a bullet.

The conservative party line claimed their Neanderthals were simply playing catch up to the health care proponents’ lead mitten handling of the issue, and they suggested Democrats kill the bill to quell the rising tempers. That’s right. Fan the flames of stupidity then blame the other side for the scorching climate (different from global warming). If Republican gall were congealable, we could dam the Caribbean.

And it’s STILL not over. To say the GOP is not taking this defeat lying down is like saying freeze dried mustard clumps make for substandard Q-Tips. Within 10 minutes of the President signing the bill, a deluge of 14 state legislatures began to challenge the bill’s constitutionality. And you wonder why getting anything done in this country is like trying to shovel sand with a pitchfork.

Republicans vowed to go down swinging and they’re probably not talking about hiking the Appalachian Trail with each other’s wives. Let’s be frank: not a single member of the minority voted for the health care bill. Not one. That’s not a political party, that’s the Borg. “RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.” The reanimated Halloween pumpkin that is Senator Mitch McConnell remains determined to continue the construction of his cement wall of obstructionism turning “The Party of No” into “The Party of Hell No,” veering dangerously close to “The Party of Screw You!” People may mock Obama for his Messianic glaze, but you got to relish this resurrection of health care which makes Lazarus risen look like a third grade magician’s trick. Focus a telescope and you can make out the scuff marks on the bill’s knees from

WILL DURST where it climbed out of the morgue drawer. Maybe now we should try handing the President seven loaves and seven fishes and see what he does with that. Or better yet, seven loaves and seven sausages.

Nice Miracle: May We Have Another?

It doesn’t matter whether you’re a Glenn Beck quoting, gun-toting, Tea Party-voting Evangelical; or a solar heating, tofu eating, New York Times crossword puzzle-cheating Environmentalist, you still got to admire the way the President breathed life into the health care reform bill. It was a gosh darn miracle. Coming right at the advent of the Holy Season. Coincidence? Well, yeah, okay, probably. But… still.

Think of the wondrous accomplishments he’s already racked up, like casting out the unclean spirit that controlled John McCain and changing the inevitability of Hillary Clinton into a whine, and you’ve made a pretty good case for the second coming of that Jewish hippie kid who pissed off the Romans so much a couple centuries ago. Although, fully 25% of Republicans believe the President is the Anti-Christ, so it seems most of us agree he has supernatural powers; we just can’t agree as to whether they come from above or below.

Don’t forget Obama won the Nobel Prince of Peace Prize after being in office only 12 days before nominations were closed.

Then consider a black man walking on the waters of racial dissension to the promised land of the White House. If those aren’t bolts shot through the clouds straight out of heaven, what are? Obama is even credited by surviving members of The Grateful Dead for getting the band back together last year. So not only did he raise health care from the dead, he also raised the Dead from the dead.

Red, blue or purple, you got to admit, that’s good.

Come to think of it, there are quite a few similarities between POTUS and that Nazareth carpenter’s son. Both born in semi tropical climes. In mangers. To virgins. One was visited by three wise men, another spends time with Rahm Emmanuel. The two undoubtedly were equally hated by classmates for ruining the curve in 5th grade social studies. They both disappeared for about a dozen years to work as community activists. One had an acolyte named Lincoln, the other a disciple named Kennedy.

Jesus forgave his crucifiers. Obama forgave the Salahis.

Mary’s son healed the lame while Ann’s son calmed the turbulent Democrats. Artists throughout time have depicted the Savior with overly large ears similar to the Defying Hawaiian. And spiritual followers alter time itself in reference to their particular philosopher king’s existence. AD & AO (After Obama). 2008 marking the beginning of the New New Testament.

Light of the World or not, the only question Americans are interested in is “what have you done for us lately?” If he wants to extend his realm here on earth (or DC), he’s going to have to pick up the pace and replicate further feats outside the bounds of natural law. Such as driving out the money lenders. Or at least quieting the stormy seas of Wall Street. True believers are holding out for a campaign of casting a few or five demons from the Supreme Court.

Of course, feeding the multitudes is always nice: you know, like about 310,000,000 US citizens, 9.7% of which are still out of work. I imagine healing the leper that is the US economy right now might be too much to ask. Then again, what was it that Deadheads used to say outside of venues: “I Need A Miracle?” We’re all Deadheads these days. Just stay away from the brown antacid.

Will Durst is a San Francisco based political comic who writes sometimes. His new CD, “Raging Moderate,” is available on iTunes & Amazon, and he’s hosting Showtime’s The Green Collar Comedy Show April 22nd at 9pm, with repeats.

“I don't think we should be sup porting the Tea Party or any other party. We have both sides in our news shows, our pol itics or whatever. We have Democrats and Republicans and whatever.” – News Cor po ration Chair man and CEO Rupert Murdoch, on Fox News, which he owns, and which wholeheartedly supported and ran promotions for Tea Party events over the last year.

"Republicans originally thought that Fox worked for us, and now we're discovering that we're working for Fox." – David Frum, former American Enterprise Institute fellow who was recently let go in the wake of a widely circulated blog post he wrote criticizing GOP legislative tactics on health care reform.

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HUMOR TIMES

May, 2010

Space Cowboy

Bottom Line Massey Energy is a business...

NASA ain’t what it used to be...

and like any business, they have to keep expenses down. but the prez has big plans...

Besides, they are trying to increase their “green energy.” and he’s a real fan of space travel.

May, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

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Only Took 100 Years Reform was opposed every inch of the way...

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and it was to be Obama’s downfall.

The prez was called all sorts of things...

and to be sure, Republicans have remained consistent.

But in the end...

the Big ‘O’ was feelin’ fine. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2010

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May, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

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What They’re Saying Quotes on Issues of the Day There is little doubt that our antipathy toward tax increases is irrational. Parents watch budgets for their children’s schools slashed, yet there is no movement to increase school taxes. College education becomes ever more unaffordable, yet few clamor for better funding of public universities. In a recent opinion poll, 56 percent of New York state residents said that instead of paying higher taxes they would prefer that government services be cut. While they protest government provision of services in general and health care in particular, how many of the elderly in the tea party crowd are themselves retirees who live on Social Security and receive Medicare?...

Between 1913, the first year that the income tax became constitutional, and 1981, the first year of the Reagan presidency, the highest federal marginal income tax rate was, on av er age, 68 percent. It should come as no surprise that the years of the country’s greatest prosperity for the middle class coincided with the highest tax rates. Since Ronald Reagan held the presidency, inequality has increased markedly, and today the highest marginal tax rate is only 35%...

But because wealth is relative, taxes have a magical effect. By agreeing to pay higher taxes, middle-class families would get more government services and more private goods at the same time.... The income tax [must] be progressive, because when all pay higher taxes, the after-tax income of the rich decreases proportionally more than the after-tax income of the middle class.

The notion that taxes are bad for the middle class is akin to the notion that cigarette smoking is harmless, and it should be dealt with by similar means. The government counters the misinformation about smoking propagated by the cigarette companies, and it should also counter the mis in for ma tion about taxes propagated by the rich. Higher taxes result in more and better public services, and, for the rest of us, more of just about everything else.

– Moshe Adler, truthdig.com, 4/14/10 Glenn Beck is playing a character with a personality and a style that is laser focused at the souls of an intended audience. It doesn't take many minutes of viewing his television show to see that he's mashing up the most effective and successful aspects of Rush Limbaugh, Alex Jones and '60s Bircher au thor Cleon Skousen, and filtering it all through the performance techniques of a televangelist… They each nail their audiences with rapid-fire barrages of nonsense presented as dramatic fact – so twisted and obscured that it begins to seem real and anything that might not seem entirely plausible, just have faith. After all, there are complicated drawings on a blackboard! Oh, and he cries. So he must be serious. (We learned last year that the cry ing is fak e – www. youtube .com/watch?v=Y9j_SWbpOH0.)

This is all stuff that's been proven to resonate with (and utterly manipulate) certain American audiences... Glenn Beck is just pooling these techniques and applying them to American politics.

– Bob Cesca, HuffingtonPost.com, 4/7/10

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The Hightower Lowdown Walmart: The Inhuman Essence of a Corporate “Person” I’m curious about those five Supreme Court justices who recently decreed that a corporation is a “person” with human rights: Do you think they ever met Mr. Walmart?

If they had, they’d be forced to concede that corporate personhood is a sheer fantasy, for there is nothing even remotely human about the bloodless and brainless thing that is Walmart.

For conclusive evidence of this entity’s total lack of humanity, the learned judges should climb down from their high bench and visit with Joseph Casias, a 29-year-old former employee of a Walmart store in Battle Creek, Mich.

In fact, Casias was an excellent employee throughout his five-year tenure within the corporate person, even earning “Associate of the Year” honors in 2008.

“I always tried my best,” he says. “I gave them everything. One hundred ten percent every day. Anything they asked me to do, I did. More than they asked me to do. Twelve to 14 hours a day. I thought I was part of the Walmart family.”

Five months ago, however, he was coldly cast out of the family. What happened? It started with cancer – a rare form invaded his sinuses and brain. He’s getting treatment to control it, but he still suffers a severe level of chronic pain.

Yet, Casias was able to keep doing his usual good job every day by using a controlled dose of marijuana that his doctor prescribed to alleviate pain – a prescription that is perfectly legal under Michigan’s medical marijuana law.

By carefully scheduling his daily dosage, Casias never came to work under the influence,

and never took medicine on the job, so Walmart saw nothing but an employee performing well.

Until last No vember. In a rou tine drug screening by the company, Casias tested positive for pot. He showed his state medical marijuana permit to the corporate cogs, but instead of using common sense or showing a smidgeon of human compassion, the managers mindlessly clicked into Program 420g, Section 21-mj (or some such) of corporate-code – and summarily cashiered Casias.

Oh, come on, he’s no druggie – he has a painful cancer and is using legal medicine! If he were taking Oxycontin or other harsh drugs, you wouldn’t think of terminating your associate of the year.

But there is no “you” there. Walmart is a machine, a fabrication, not a sentient, reasoning person. So the machine responded to public outrage over Casias’ firing by issuing an insensate legal statement: “In states, such as Michigan, where prescriptions for marijuana can be obtained, an employer can still enforce a policy that requires termination of employment following a positive drug screen. We believe our policy complies with the law, and we support decisions based on the policy.”

Cancer is enough of a burden on a person without corporate callousness adding to the pain, but Walmart just kept piling on this employee. He’s got no job, is facing $10,000 in unpaid medical bills and can no longer afford his cancer treatment, so what does the corporation do? It challenged Casias’ eligibility for unemployment compensation.

Not that Mr. Walmart hates the guy. It’s just

JIM HIGHTOWER the corporate way. For Casias, however, it’s a disaster. “It’s not fair,” he says.

Fair? To a corporation, “fair” is a place to take your pig to try to win a blue ribbon. Corporations are literally inhuman, possessing no sense of moral responsibility or human decency.

The good news is that real people are rallying against the faux person’s outrageous officiousness, and they’ve formed a Facebook page: “Let Joseph Casias Talk.” With the corporate image taking a beating and some customers organizing a boycott, the machinery for damage control kicked in at headquarters, prompting the company to drop its ugly effort to deny unemployment payments to Casias. It adamantly refuses, however, to take the one step he most needs: rehiring. And how about apologizing?

To convey your own thoughts directly to Citizen Walmart, call 800-963-8442. And to help reform the law, contact the Marijuana Policy Project: www.mpp.org.

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HUMOR TIMES

May, 2010

Holy Hypocrisy!

May, 2010

While Catholics celebrated Easter...

some disturbing “gossip” was heard.

Parishioners are being more careful...

and sometimes downright disobedient.

It’s a widespread problem and getting harder to hide...

so maybe it’s time the Church came out of the closet.

HUMOR TIMES

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“We Report, You Decry!”

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Poll: Most Favor Earlier Teabaggers’ New Protest: “No Government MySpace Profile Visited Bedtime for McCain for Old Times’ Sake Takeover of Congress” WASHINGTON — In the wake of several cranky public utterances by Arizona’s senior senator in recent days, a new poll shows that a majority of Americans favor an earlier bedtime for Jo h n McCain.

Fifty-two percent of thos e s u rv e y e d strongly agreed with t h e s t a t eJohn McCain, needing a nap. ment, “When John McCain says he doesn’t want to serve in the Senate even though he is running for re-election, it makes me think he missed his nap.”

When asked which other public figures appear to be staying up past their bedtimes, 41 percent named Newsweek’s Howard Fineman.

Respondents strongly agreed with the statement, “When Howard Fineman starts going on about how Barack Obama is like a Kenyan long-distance runner, it makes me think he should already be in his pajamas.”

In other news, Vice President Joe Biden said he regretted his most recent caught-on-mic comment, “John Boehner can bite my ass.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

Texas Messed With It has been confirmed that the southern US State of Texas was messed with today, as details of the nature of the messing continue to emerge.

Despite repeatedly warning outsiders not to mess with the second largest state in the Union, Texans were left irate as it became apparent that their threats h a d fallen on deaf ears.

“You don’t m e s s “Don’t mess with Texas” not working. w i t h Texas,” said Austin resident Charlie Gentry.

“I’m about sick of them outsiders thinking they can give the run-around to us Texans.”

“Them there is all hat and no cattle,” he continued. “This ain’t called ‘God’s Country’ for nothing, you know.”

It is not yet clear how Texans will prevent future messes from occurring, but Dallas local Virginia Hughes had some words of wisdom for potential messers: “Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew; your’n mouth is probbly a whole lot bigger’n you think.”

Reported by DailyFortnight.com

WASHINGTON — Just hours after the historic vote on health care reform, the Tea Party movement has taken up a new battle cry, protesting what they believe is a “government takeover of Congress.”

Thousands of self-styled Teabaggers marched on the Capitol today to make the point that, in the words of one of their number, “Voting has no place in Congress.”

“Our forefathers designed Congress to be a place where people talked and talked and never got any thing done,” said Teabagger Tracy Klugian. “This whole voting thing that happened on Sunday was tantamount to a government take-

over of Congress.” He said the Teabaggers “ w ould c ontinue protesting un til Con gress stopped passing Teabaggers express themselves. laws and got back to the business of being Congress.”

The protest march began at the Capitol and then moved to the U.S. Postal Service, where the Teabaggers protested a government takeover of mail.

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

Government Seeks New Healthcare Overhaul After Debut of KFC Double Down Sandwich The extensive work put into passing national health care law may now be irrelevant due to KFC’s launch of its double down sand wich. The sand wich feature s ba c on, cheese, ‘Col onel’s Sauce’ and is surrounded by two fried New health threat. chicken breasts instead of a bun. KFC boasts that the sandwich is so meaty, there is no room for a bun.

Lawmakers counter that the sandwich is so fatty, new measures need to be taken to ensure the nation’s health and safety. “We’re going to have to overhaul the entire system,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “Obviously, this is a situation that will require a lot of my famous kicking and shrieking, and some back room dealing.”

Though leading Republicans fought the health care bill from the beginning, the launch of the new sandwich has caused many to see a need for federally mandated health care. House Minority Leader John Boehner commented, “We may finally have a reason to join forces with Democrats to protect the health of America. This is no harmless vice like smoking or extensive tanning, this is a crisis.”

Former Vice President Al Gore weighed in on the environmental concerns the sandwich may cause. “The sodium contained in one KFC double down sandwich reduces the salt water level of the planet’s oceans by three to four inches. Having said that, they are extremely tasty and if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat an entire sack,” added the ever-rounder Gore.

The new KFC inspired health care plan would triple funding for cardiac care. It also seeks federally mandated defibrillators to be placed in every KFC in the country.

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

Fox News to Add Laughter Track The Fox News Network has announced plans greater emotional accuracy,” said the 78-year-old. to include a laughter track in its “When Glenn Beck is telling daily broadcasts in an effort to you that Obama is a communist aid its conservative viewers. and is arbitrarily plotting the Fox News, which is a key downfall of America, it can be piece of the Rupert Murdoch difficult to know when and when media enterprise, has aired daily not to laugh.” since 1996, and is famous for The Australian media mogul presenting its absurdist and ofalso out lined plans for the ten hilarious news agenda in a O’Reilly Factor and the Sean Fox News comedy’s studio. noticeably deadpan manner.

Hannity Show to have none-stop However, at a press conference this morning, laughter tracks, while live audiences may be Murdoch confirmed that the company’s flagship sought for special broadcasts such as elections. show, as well as its regional counterparts, would “When you think of some of the great comebe incorporating pre-recorded laughter into their dies of the last 20 years, they all had laugh tracks,” “news” segments, “business updates” and politi- continued Murdoch. “Why should Fox News be cal “commentary” programs. any different?”

“We just want to represent the news with Reported by DailyFortnight.com

Jesus Doesn’t Have Heart to Tell Republicans He’s a Socialist Owing to his unwavering sense of compas“I thought the story of feeding the 5,000 was sion, the Son of God, Jesus Christ, commonly known among Chrissays he cannot bring himself to tell tians,” he said. “I mean, it’s referstaunch Republicans — who comenced in all four gospels and has prise some of his most loyal foldefinitely made its way into sevlowers — that he is a socialist. eral modern films.”

Christ, who once fa mously “Well, I guess if they still spread the wealth around to 5,000 haven’t realized, I’ll just keep my people and lived the life of a combeliefs to myself for now,” he mon laborer, said he just assumed continued. Christ’s reluctance to most conservatives knew about his discuss his own political viewJesus: misunderstood. political interests. points with Republicans follows

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growing right-wing para noia over Pres ident Obama’s alleged trend toward socialism.

“I hope no one reminds them that I too was in favor of free healthcare at one time,” Christ continued. “If they suddenly remember that I used to heal the sick — with or without insurance forms — I’m done for.”

Meanwhile, amid increasing racial tension, Christ has also remained quiet about the fact that he is more than okay with the idea of electing a black man to the highest office in the country.

Reported by DailyFortnight.com

HUMOR TIMES

Having not updated her information, images or layout since June, 2008, local woman Hannah Kirman today logged into her MySpace profile “just for old times’ sake.”

During a night of utter procrastination, Miss Kirman vicariously navigated her way to the social networking site after conducting a rudi men tary search for her name in Google.

“I’d forgotten all about MySpace,” she said, trying to remember login details. “I wonder if my profile still exists.”

After taking two minutes to reset her password, the 26-year-old signed into her largely unaltered page. “Wow, this is really sad,” she said, casting her eyes over her latest blog entry, dated November 19th, 2007. “Did I really post intimate details of my break-up with Andrew on here? That’s really creepy. I think that’s being deleted.”

Scrolling down to her ‘Interests’ Miss Kirman was startled by the opening bars of Metallica’s The Memory Remains, which had spent the last 2 years “adding character” to her page, and frustratingly slowing down load times.

“Argh! I can’t believe I used to like this song,” she said, promptly hitting the pause button. “I hope my workmates don’t find this.”

Following the painstakingly slow process of scrolling down past the high resolution leopard print background, Miss Kirman finally found her message board.

“How did all this porn get on here?” she said, cycling up and down her Stream.

“And who the hell is Maxxx69?”

After spending almost 20 minutes trying in vain to discontinue her profile, Kirman subsequently ended the night by posting an angry and paranoid message to her Facebook wall.

Reported by DailyFortnight.com

In Turnabout, Michael Steele Calls Same-Sex Unions “Incredibly Hot” In an apparent reversal of a longstanding GOP position, RNC chair Michael Steele said today that he considered same-sex unions “incredibly hot, especially when the girls are getting it on in a glass case.”

When asked whether his comment meant that the GOP now favored same-sex marriage, Steele clarified his position: “If we’re talking about two hot lesbian girls simulating marriage in a glass case, yes, I am very much into that sort of thing.”

Steele denied that he had changed positions on the same-sex union issue, but added, “There’s nothing wrong with changing positions if you like the new one better.” The GOP chairman could not be reached for further comment, as a spokesman for Steele said he was all tied up.

Other Republicans were critical, however, about the GOP chairman’s authorizing close to $2000 for a night out at a Los Angeles sex club, including Sen. John Ensign, R-Nev.: “Why spend that kind of money for something you can see in my office for free?” – Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

May, 2010

You Know the Drill Obama made a calculated move...

that caused a lot of excitement...

Enviros were dismayed... and some confusion.

and the prez did his best to reassure them... but his actions speak louder than words.

May, 2010

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King of the Hill

Nuke-Busting

Karzai has had enough, he says...

Obama is tackling yet another tough issue...

and he’s got to show his people he’s strong... while facing down rogue elements...

and just how smart he really is. and an uncertain future.

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May, 2010

The Family Values Party

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Teetering

Google vs Red Menace China is having a tough time...

The economy is still on the brink...

but Congress is working to rein in Wall Street.

figuring out how to keep information in.

Meanwhile, tax season came and went.

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But they’re still good at keeping dissidents in.

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2010

Argus Sez Toyota urged people not to buy its Lexus GX 460, saying that the SUV has a rollover problem. Their cars either can’t stop, speed out of control or fall over. You knew this would happen once the U.S. government forced them to make cars that run on alcohol.

CBS Sports anchor Jim Nantz denounced Tiger Woods for his on-the-course swearing at the Masters. The expletives were broadcast live on the air. The reason he had ninety security guards was to keep him from being killed by a rival rap label.

Charles Barkley urged the news media to leave Tiger Woods alone and permit him to get his life together. The NBA legend relates to Tiger’s problems. His own golf swing is so bad it just qualified for a government subsidy as a windmill.

Planet Hol ly wood will auc tion Mar i lyn Monroe’s chest X-rays from her phys i cal.

They’ll also auction a fifteen dollar check she wrote for the exam. It’s absolutely pornographic to exhibit a fifteen dollar medical bill outside an art museum.

Mercedes-Benz rolled out its six hundred horsepower sports car at the New York Auto Show in April. Baby boomers love this car. Sure it’s expensive, but with a top speed of two hundred miles an hour it’s a lot cheaper than nursing home insurance.

Michelle Obama was dispatched to Haiti as a goodwill ambassador to the earthquake victims on the island. The first lady said she really enjoyed her time there. She thinks her campaign against childhood obesity is finally working somewhere.

President Obama bowed to China’s president at a summit recently. It’s his fifth bow to Third World leaders. His plan is to put himself in so

GIVE

many Republican campaign commercials he’ll have Screen Actors Guild health insurance for the rest of his life.

The White House science adviser John Holdren told science students the U.S. can’t expect to be number one in the world forever. The professor went on to say that’s a good thing. The lower we go the better the draft pick we get for the next president.

Scripps Clinic said that junk food triggers the same electrical brain activity as cocaine. Both light up the same pleasure centers in human beings. They serve Twinkies at Cocaine Anonymous meet ings in Holly wood just to keep attendance up.

PETA urged the U.S. government to close down the Ringling Brothers Circus, claiming they whip elephants. Reaction was swift. As soon as the story broke, three GOP donors purchased season passes to Ringling Brothers thinking it is a bondage club.

Kitty Kelley’s new book says Oprah Winfrey made up stories of sexual abuse and was a teen hooker and hid lesbian affairs. This officially ends the Tiger Woods jokes. The first requirement of a democratic society is continuity in sex scandals.

Tea Party Tax Day protests were targeted for infiltration by liberal bloggers who routinely call Tea Party members racist, homophobic morons. The bloggers think of the nation’s Founding Fathers as slave-own ing, Anglo-Saxon imperialists. They would cover their pictures on the currency but you can’t make any money blogging.

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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May, 2010

More Mischief

May, 2010

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Porn for the Blind A pornographic magazine for the blind has been launched - complete with explicit text and raised pictures of naked men and women.

The book, the brainchild of Lisa Murphy and called Tactile Minds, is designed to be enjoyed by the blind and visually impaired.

Among the 17 raised images include a naked woman in a ‘disco pose,’ a woman with ‘perfect breasts’ and a ‘male love robot.’

Canadian Lisa says that she made the book to fill a gap in the market, adding: “There are no books of tactile pictures of nudes for adults.

“We’re breaking new ground. Playboy [had] an edition with Braille wording, but there are no pictures.”

Ewe Will Never Get Us Back in Prison Two escaped convicts have dodged a huge manhunt - by disguising themselves as sheep.

The pair dressed in full sheepskin fleeces, complete with heads, to lie low among farm flocks.

Robbers Maximiliano Pereyra, 25, and Ariel Diaz, 28, stole the sheep hides from a ranch after breaking out of an Argentinian maximum security prison in April.

And they have managed to evade the 300 cops on their trail - despite locals seeing them running through fields at night.

Police say spotting the pair among thousands of sheep is “almost impossible,” but one warned, “They can’t pull the wool over our eyes forever.”

Oprah Big Phony about Her Own past Oprah Winfrey – who built a billion-dollar empire persuading everyone from celebs to average Joes to reveal the truth about themselves – is a big phony when it comes to her own past, an explosive new book charges.

Winfrey’s relationship with longtime “love” Stedman Graham, her reputed dirt-poor upbringing in rural Mississippi, her rumored lesbian crushes – all are stories she has manipulated in the name of ratings, according to writer Kitty Kelley’s latest unauthorized biography “Oprah.”

The way Winfrey likes to tell it, she was so impoverished that she never had any new dresses or dolls and had to adopt two cockroaches as pets. But her family says that’s nonsense.

She may not have been well off, but Oprah was relatively spoiled as a little girl, her cousin said.

“Where Oprah got that nonsense about growing up in filth and roaches I have no idea,” said the relative, Katherine Carr Esters. “I’ve confronted her and asked, ‘Why do you tell such lies?’ Oprah told me, ‘That’s what people want to hear. The truth is boring.’ ” The manipulation of her past is a key to her success, say some. “Every move is calculated to further her brand and lift her image, which is why she does good works,” Jewette Battles said.

As a teen, Winfrey was a wild child, promiscuous to the point of prostitution, her relatives said. The future star would steal from her mother’s purse, pawn her jewelry and even turn tricks.

Mexico Rejects U.S. Beef WASHINGTON – Beef containing harmful pesticides, veterinary antibiotics and heavy metals is being sold to the public because federal agencies have failed to set limits for the contaminants or adequately test for them, a federal audit finds. The health effects on people who eat such meat are a “growing concern,” the audit adds.

The testing program for cattle is run by the USDA’s Food Safety and Inspection Service (FSIS), which also tests meat for such pathogens as salmonella and certain dangerous strains of E. coli. But the residue program relies on assistance from the Environmental Protection Agency, which sets tolerance levels for human exposure to pesticides and other pollutants, and the Food and Drug Administration, which does the same for antibiotics and other medicines.

Even when the inspection service does identify a lot of beef with high levels of pesticide or antibiotics, it often is powerless to stop the distribution of that meat because there is no legal limit for those contaminants.

In 2008 Mexican authorities rejected a U.S. beef shipment because its copper levels exceeded Mexican standards, the audit says.

Korean Comedy Not So Funny SEOUL – Stern, serious, socialist North Korea has carved out a spot in TV history for having one of the world’s longest running comedy shows, despite it being mostly devoid of jokes for the decades it has been on the air.

The show now called “It’s So Funny” is meant to uplift the morale of troops and extol propaganda about the virtues of serving under “The General” Kim Jong-il. Laughter is optional – unless the soldiers in the audience are ordered to do so.

The format of the show is usually a conversation between a man and a woman in military uniform, who sometimes sing, dance and try a little slapstick, but mostly avoid telling one-liners.

“Often, it is really hard to find the humor,” said a South Korean official who monitors the North’s official broadcasts.

The latest version that came out in the past week extolled the virtue of beans, while avoiding any flatulence humor.

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May, 2010

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