“Remember always that all us, and you and I especially, are descended from immigrants and revolutionaries.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt Issue #222
June, 2010
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HUMOR TIMES
June, 2010
Editor’s Rant
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June, 2010
Humor Times (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 19, Issue 222, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 4208 Norton Way, Sacramento, CA 95820. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95604. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lane, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Jim Siergey, Tab, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2010. No part may be reproduced without permission.
HUMOR TIMES
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Stick a Cork In It It turns out the Gulf gusher is the worst...
environmental disaster ever in the U.S...
and the timing was disastrously inconvenient as well.
but quickly came up with a new slogan...
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The “drill, baby, drill� crowd was taken aback...
as BP execs predictably played down the disaster. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
June, 2010
The clean-up is underway...
but it may be impossible to save much.
All kinds of creative solutions have been attempted... but Americans favored one above all the others.
BP said not to worry, it will all be paid for...
June, 2010
and the whole mess will likely soon be forgotten.
HUMOR TIMES
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Gulf of Oil Brainless Pinheads They’ve tried fire and robots and domes and booms and drones and boxes and rosary beads and even panty hose stuffed with human hair but so far nothing has slowed the Deepwater Horizon oil spill from creeping towards our Southern Coast like a drunken lobbyist staggering towards a free seafood buffet. And almost as ugly. This maritime miasma promises to be the most monumental attack of sludge to hit American shores since Ann Coulter’s most recent book. Hard to say what frightens Gulf Coast residents more; the toxic slick bearing down on their shore or the Administration’s guarantee that our government is poised and ready to swoop in with federal assistance. It worked so well after Katrina. The kind of news that prompts residents to wake screaming – bathed in sweat – from nightmares of FEMA loading trucks full of mutant hair sausages never to be delivered. And ice. But never let it be said that Congress doesn’t know how to exploit a crisis. They’ve leaped into action and appointed a panel. The one positive to come out of this amphibious affliction (besides never hearing another New Orleans restaurant say they are out of blackened redfish) is we can expect to hear a lot fewer of those strident rallying cries of “Drill Baby Drill” this election year. They’ve already given way to the more muted “Cap, Baby, Cap,” and threaten to digress into “Tax, Baby, Tax.” Right now though, those responsible seem to be sticking like shrimp to otter fur with “Prevaricate, Baby, Prevaricate.”
BP, which apparently stands for Brainless Pinheads, first announced the seepage from the MC252 well (isn’t that cute) was barely a couple of drips. Nothing to worry about. More oil pooled on your average garage floor. Then it bounced up to 1,000 barrels a day, then 5,000, then 50,000, and now that we’re obviously in gushing territory, estimates are not really useful anymore. Numbers can be so misleading. Chemicals were sprayed on the leak to disperse it, but that was curtailed because the dispersant might be doing more harm than good. They don’t know. Oh good. Turns out, these guys don’t know a lot. They won’t even say what’s in the dispersant because it’s proprietary. All they can reveal is its not harmful. However, if you do happen to get a smidgeon on your skin, you immediately want to flush it with a bleach bath. That they know. You’d think a company that makes its living poking holes in the bottom of seas would have a plan to close them back up, wouldn’t you? Well, you’d be wrong. Actually, you’d be half wrong. They do have means. Using technology they’re required to install when drilling in other countries. Not here though. We encourage voluntary participation. And let the industry write the regulations. And then pray to the oil fairies. Maybe this will signal an end to our bowing down to the fossil fuel gods. Maybe Obama will seize this reprehensible moment to carve out an anti carbon strategy and the whole country will rise as one and demand a national policy based on clean energies and shared sacrifice. Yeah. And maybe ring-tailed squirrel monkeys
WILL DURST
will replace hockey referees during playoff games. Its times like these that make you wish hari-kari had become a corporate CEO global tradition. Loose Nukes President Obama turned from the domestic third rail issue of health care to the international radioactive subject of dirty bomb terrorism by hosting a nuclear summit in DC, convincing the leaders of 47 countries to attend – Presidents and Prime Ministers and Kings and Queens and a couple of expendable pawns. No bishops, they have their own problems these days. Pretty much all the cogs in the atomic machine showed up except North Korea and Iran, which admittedly is like holding a steroids conference without Barry Bonds or Mark McGwire, but hey, it’s a START. The focus was on security, an encouraging sign, since the global stockpile of bomb-making materials is now large enough for 120,000 suitcase nukes. Which most experts agree is about 120,000 too many. It wasn’t a total Potemkin summit. Everyone agreed that terrorism is bad and nuclear terrorism is real bad, and working with one another is good and they should all meet again in South Korea in 2012 if the Mayans aren’t right. Took 60 years to assemble this pile of mutually assured destruction. Going to take at least a couple of meetings to get rid of it. Only 9 members in the nuclear club right now. But a lot of wannabees. And since you can’t tell your nuclear players without a Nuclear Players Scorecard, here they are, with official Threat Level grading. Will Durst’s Nuclear Players Scorecard United States. Have weapons. Duh. But we’re not the problem because we’re the good guys. TL: Dove of peace flying under the rainbow of international co-operation. Russia. Have weapons and big problem. Leakier than a tinfoil sieve after 3 days of target practice on a 50mm range and the world’s largest source of loose nukes. TL: Giant Bear with flame thrower, roaming woods while being chewed on by Balkan squirrels. China. Have weap ons. Concerned only with eco nomic strength. Need to convince them an irradiated consumer is not a repeat consumer. TL: Drunken Panda staggering through a shopping mall with a fistful of short fused flares. United Kingdom. Have weapons. Not quite positive where they are. In the garden shed of their lake country home perhaps. TL: Your Aunt Gertrude with a bagful of knitting needles on the subway. Pakistan. Have weapons and worried we pay too much attention to India. As stable as a two-legged stool. TL: Swarm of angry wasps inside a papier mache tent on fire. India. Have weapons and worried we pay too much attention to Pakistan. Don’t you hate lovers’ spats? TL: Sacred bull in a china shop full of crystal decanters stoppered to the rim with nitro. Germany. No nuclear weapons. But if they really need some all they have to do is knock on France’s door and ask to borrow a couple. TL: A domesticated wolf on an ankle bracelet, but a wolf nonetheless. France. Have weapons, but more interested in discovering ways to use them to braise lamb. TL: Carnivorous escargot in a mine field. Israel. Everybody knows they have weapons, but they won’t admit it and haven’t tested any. Making a scary situation scarier. TL: Tasmanian Devil tethered to a water soluble stake in the rain. North Korea. Have weapons. But delivery system is a team of musk oxes. TL: Electric Cuckoo Clock made out of C-4 with faulty wiring. Iran. No weapons, but definitely in the market for a fixer-upper. TL: Cigar smoking pit bull headed straight for the fireworks factory. “The bold effort the present [central] bank had made to control the Government, the distress it had wantonly produced ... are but premonitions of the fate that awaits the American people should they be deluded into a per petuation of this in stitution, or the es tablishment of another like it.” – Andrew Jackson addressing Congress in 1836, referring to the central bank he dismantled, which, as he warned against, was replaced by the Federal Reserve in 1913
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HUMOR TIMES
June, 2010
Ruins Fragile world markets took yet another blow...
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as Greece became home to another big ruin...
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HUMOR TIMES
7
Goldfinger As the economy begins to turn around...
and we see the full effect of Wall Street’s behavior...
big changes are being promised.
Financial titans aren’t worried, however...
because they know what it takes...
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to stay on top. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
June, 2010
Senate hearings got underway...
and Goldman Sachs pleaded for mercy.
“Freedom-lovers” are supporting Wall Street’s right to gouge...
Republicans said they’d whip regulators into submission...
June, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
and the system seems set up for more of the same.
and assured Americans that they were safe.
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What They’re Saying Quotes on Issues of the Day In a century of doing business, BP has been implicated in bribery of public officials, grand theft, fomenting unjust wars, of murder, torture, plunder, environmental destruction and money laundering in and between scores of countries on every continent except Antarctica. If BP were a person it would be a career criminal, a pathological liar and an international serial killer with a rap sheet several times the size of the Chicago Yellow Pages... Corporations are legal fictions. They are artificial shields under which we agree to allow a handful of extremely wealthy people to rule over the rest us, and plunder the planet and its people at will, just as centuries ago most of the humans who mattered agreed that kings, queens and nobly born, the “people of quality” had the god given right to ride roughshod over humanity. Ultimately, people woke up, rose up, and revoked those privileges. How long will it be before we revoke the lawless privileges of corporations, before we limit their immunity, curtail their immortality, and rein in their immorality? How long can we, and the planet on which we depend for life itself, wait? Is there every a line that cannot be crossed? Where is it? What will it take? – Bruce Dixon, editor of The Black Commen ta tor, BlackAgendaReport.com, 5/12/10 Over the last half-dozen years, the repeated outings of white, Christian men, often Re pub li can elected of fi cials or prominent religious leaders and all assertively homophobic, for their homosexual indiscretions have moved from scandal to entertainment sport to pathetic joke. The latest casualty of this syndrome, George Rekers, only makes clear that sexual scandal is about more then sex and scandal and hypocrisy, but also about denial, shame and pathology... We are now a decade into the 21st century and the Christian right, like a vampire rising from the dead, is once again seeking to impose its religious tyranny on all Americans. It is one of the major tendencies congealed into the Tea Party movement. It adheres to premodern values like patriarchal anti-choice and divine eschatology. It is a movement that ranges from huckster Sarah Palin to con man George Romney as well as nativists and racists, anti-tax advocates and conspiracist kooks, libertarians and militiamen and many, many more. It is an incoherent popular voice of unhappiness that is being carefully crafted into a voice of desperation; it is a frantic plea that can be easily manipulated into a neo-fascist impulse by corporate interested and the Republican party. Many Americans, especially of the aging white “middle class,” are facing a profound existential crisis. America seems to have failed them. Their world is in crisis, being eclipsed by a new, globalized world order that has left them with neither the financial or emotional security that they were promised. For a half-century or more, they gave their lives, mea sured in tire less work, ceaseless consumption and ritualistic voting, to a system that is failing them. A global super-rich has taken over and they know, on some deep emotional level, that they were conned into selling their souls for a fiction, the commodity spectacle... Without overcoming the profound inability to accept one’s sexuality as oneself, Americans, including George Rekers, will remain prisoners of a moralistic tyranny that still defines much of American values. – David Rosen, Alternet.org, 5/9/10
The Hightower Lowdown Wall Street Profits, Subsidies & Lobbyists Wall Street bankers are strutting around like little banty roosters these days, crowing about the phenomenal profits their banks are raking in. Citigroup has just announced that its profits for just the first three months of this year totaled an incredible $4.4 billion, Goldman Sachs’ haul was $3.5 billion, JPMorgan Chase grabbed $3.3 billion and Bank of America took $3.2 billion. Top bankers are cock-a-doodle-doing over these numbers, claiming that such results prove what geniuses they are, how essential they are to America’s financial health and, of course, how deserving they are of their multimillion-dollar bonuses. Before they choke on their own hubris, however, let’s note that a huge chunk of these profits are taken directly from a massive, little-known subsidy slipped to them by Ben Bernanke and other regulatory sweethearts in our country’s Federal Reserve system. The Fed has deliberately held short-term interest rates to historic lows – less than one half of a percent. Meanwhile, the Treasury Department is paying almost 4 percent interest on longer-term loans that banks make to the government. This might sound complicated, but it’s really a very simple transfer of public wealth to the giant banks. The Fed loans, let’s say, a billion dollars to a bank at a half-percent interest. The bank then turns right around and loans that billion dollars to the Treasury Department, collecting 4 percent interest. In short, boys and girls, the banks take our money and loan it back to us for a
sweet 3.5 percent profit. Sheer genius! One wonders: Do bankers wear ski masks when they make these transactions? By holding interest rates to nearly zero, the Fed is also allowing bankers to steal directly from us depositors and consumers. How much are you earning on your interest-bearing checking account? Chase banks are paying a whopping 0.01 percent. This means that if you keep a $5,000 balance in that account for a year, Chase will pay you 50 cents. Fifty cents to use your money for a year! Now, try to get a consumer loan from that same bank, and it’ll sock you with about 6 percent in interest. It doesn’t take much genius to rack up profits with an interest rate spread of 5.5 percentage points – a spread that our government continues to hold at record levels. In other words, Washington is holding the door open for Wall Street to rob us. At the same time, Wall Street has been able to stall and dilute even the modest consumer protections proposed by President Obama. How do bankers keep getting away with this ongoing robbery? In part, by using another door – the revolving door between Washington and Wall Street. What do such former congressional leaders as Dick Armey, Bob Dole, Dick Gephardt, Dennis Hastert and Trent Lott have in common? Each is a lobbyist for Wall Street banks and other financial powerhouses. They are among the 70 former Congress-critters that watchdog group Pub lic Cit i zen found lob by ing for bankers last year. Also, 56 former staffers on the House or Senate banking committees have spun through that
JIM HIGHTOWER same revolving door to become finance-industry lobbyists. These Washington insiders are now drawing six- or seven-figure annual paychecks for using their congressional connections to stop reform and enable more Wall Street thievery. Especially cynical is Dick Armey, who was House Republican majority leader back when Congress was so enthusiastically deregulating Wall Street, giving the green light to the explosion of banker greed that has now crashed our economy. Army was subsequently rewarded with a multimillion-dollar career as a lobbyist. While loyally serving his special-interest clients, Armey also became head of a corporate-funded po lit i cal front group named Fr eedom Wor ks. Wear i ng t hi s hat , Armey-the-lobby ist financed and organized various tea bag rallies, whipping up a frenzy of anti-government anger, which he has twisted into a lobbing campaign to help kill Wall Street reforms. So, he uses people who are legitimately angry at Washington’s meekness toward Wall Street to create more congressional meekness. Thus, the thievery continues, while public cynicism and anger toward government grows hotter – and the thieves just smile.
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“We Report, You Decry!” Goldman to Employ SoCalled ‘Douchebag Defense’ Fabrice Tourre to be Exhibit A NEW YORK – In the event of a criminal case against the banking giant, Goldman Sachs is planning to employ a rarely-used legal strategy known as the “douchebag defense,” sources confirmed today. Davis Logsdon, Dean of the University of Min ne sota S ch oo l o f L aw, summarized the unorthodox strategy: “Basically, they will Exhibit A: “Fab” Tourre. be arguing that the Goldman executives had no control over their actions because they are ginormous dicks.” “Exhibit A” if the bank decides to go forward with the douchebag defense will be Goldman banker Fabrice “Fabulous Fab” Tourre. “I think the government would have a hard time arguing that he was not an egregious douche,” Logsdon said. In order to establish Tourre’s douchebag bona fides, Goldman’s lawyers would most likely offer up his emails, his Facebook profile, and several of his ex-girlfriends. Jury selection could also be key to the success of Goldman’s douchebag defense strategy, Logsdon said. “Goldman’s dream jury would be made up of twelve angry dickwads,” Logsdon said. “In New York, that shouldn’t be hard to find.” Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
Greece Offers to Repay Loans with Giant Horse BRUSSELS – In what many are hailing as a breakthrough solution to Greece’s crippling debt crisis, Greece today offered to repay loans from the European Union nations by giving them a gigantic horse. Finance ministers from sixteen EU nations awoke in Brussels this morning to find that a huge wooden horse had been wheeled into the city center overnight. The horse, measuring Greece’s solution. several stories in height, drew mixed responses from the finance ministers, many of whom said they would have preferred a cash repayment of the EU’s bailout. But German Chancellor Andrea Merkel said she “welcomed the beautiful wooden horse,” adding, “What harm could it possibly do?” Elsewhere, two days after the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, the Pakistani Taliban took responsibility for Jay Leno’s act. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
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Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Convert Gulf Into World's Largest Oil Tank? After Failing to Clean A Humor Times exclusive report GULF OF MEXICO – “We've reached the end of our rope,” said BP rep re sen ta tive Keith Seilhan, “there's nothing that can be done to save the Gulf as a body of ocean water. So we're doing the logical thing.” That “logical thing”? Use the Gulf as an international repository of oil. “We'd save it all for the US, but after all, we are capitalists, and we sell to the highest bidder!” he added. The federal government is indicating it is on board with this new strategy. In a press conference today, President Obama said, “We reluctantly have come to agree that the only thing left to do is to make lemonade out of lemons. Or black tea out of tarballs. Or something. Anyway, the gulf is already full of oil, we might as well use it as what it has become, an oil reservoir.” Some argue that this will ruin the fishing and shrimp industry, but many fishermen and restaurants are looking at the bright side. “Haven't you ever heard of blackened shrimp? People love it! And our gumbo will be thicker than ever!” says the famous Broussard's restaurant chef/owner Gunter Preuss. “We're even looking at setting up
Oil Spill, BP Makes No Promises On Station Restrooms
Positive new uses for Gulf being explored.
an export business, as we expect demand for blackened, pre-oiled seafood to skyrocket.” Although the logic for this change seems unassailable, some are saying it is still too soon to give up on stopping the oil gusher. “We still haven't tried plugging it up with BP’s huge wads of cash, for example,” says conservation scientist Judy Haner. “And why not take a cue from the dike-plugging Dutch boy and get those CEOs stick their pointing fingers of blame in the hole?”
Republicans Use New Technology in Opposing Obama’s Supreme Court Pick iPhone App Generates GOP Rhetoric WASHINGTON – Moments after news of President Obama’s choice for Supreme Court justice spread across Washington, congressional Repub li cans rushed to in sert the name “Elena Kagan” into speeches opposing the President’s judicial nominee. In the text of a speech released Sunday, hours before Ms. Kagan was selected, House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) states, “I opposed the nomination of BLANK because I believe BLANK would lead the court down a dangerous path towards judicial activism. In short, I cannot
think of a worse choice for Supre me C ourt than BLANK.” T h e anti-Kagan r h e t o r ic w a s gen er ated last New app used by GOP. week before Ms. Kagan was nominated, GOP insiders said, by using a new iPhone app called iOppose. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
Scientists Say Neanderthal-Human Connection May Explain Glenn Beck Study of the Neanderthal genome at UC Santa the researcher said: “While it is likely that a huCruz has revealed that mating between humans man would have sex with a Neanderthal, it is unand Neanderthals may explain one of clear who would have sex with science’s most persistent mysteries: Glenn Beck.” the existence of Glenn Beck. The discovery that Neanderthals “We believe that sex between a and humans mated 15,000 years ago human and a Neanderthal may have took scientists by surprise: “Previresulted, some fifteen thousand years ously, we thought the first time this later, in several of the Fox News occurred was on ‘Jersey Shore.’” Channel’s primetime hosts, includElse where, the De part ment of ing Glenn Beck,” said a leading geHomeland Security said that it had netic researcher at the university. been following Times Square bombGlenn Beck explained. But while sex between humans ing suspect Faisal Shahzad, “but and Neanderthals may explain the existence of the only on Twitter.” controversial Fox host, other mysteries remain, Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
Census Bureau Outsourcing Canvassing to Jehovah Witnesses WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to increase the num ber of re spon dents con tacted via door-to-door interviews, the US Census Bureau has enlisted the help of Jehovah’s Witnesses. The newly hired canvassers were put to work immediately. “We’re proud to announce this new partnership between the Census Bureau and Jehovah Witnesses,” said Census director Robert Groves. “Our new re cruits are al ready skilled in door-to-door canvassing so we expect to save the
Headline News Section
taxpayers millions of dollars in training costs.” The government declined an offer from the Mormon Church to be part of the effort. The Census Bureau worried that Mormon canvassers tend to be too well dressed which may give the impression they are not actually government employees. After completing a census form with a member of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, Robert Stocker seemed pleased with the experience. “He was a very nice fellow,” Robert explained. “It only took
a few minutes to fill out the form. Then I in vited him in to hear my Amway presentation?” Re ported by DailyRedundancy .com
HUMOR TIMES
NEW YORK, NY - Oil company British Petroleum spent over 350 million dollars in efforts to clean up the waters surrounding its broken offshore oil rig, but BP officials still refuse to commit to a cleaning effort for restrooms at BP gas stations. “I have written to the com pany and the EPA hoping to force them to do Big chore: Toxic mess. something, before any more harm is done the local environment.” said Maryanne Lee as she pointed to the ladies room at her local BP. “Last week, a family of ducks wandered into the bath room and were tragically coated with bathroom waste material. Dawn Dishwashing Liquid wasn’t strong enough to clean them.” World en vi ron men tal ac tiv ists have been complaining about the potential toxic restrooms for years. News footage of several BP restroom sites depict graphic images of various fluids that often seep out toward and coat local wildlife. “The freshest it ever gets in there is after homeless guys go in to hose themselves down,” said BP mini-mart manager Tony Schmitt. “It will take special government permits to get the cleaning products I need to get started doing any real cleaning.” BP spokesman Harold Pettijohn was reluctant to make any comment about the restroom cleanup crisis. “I will simply say that our company is focused on doing the best we can on situations where we can have an impact. Stopping hundreds of thousands of gallons of oil from leaking, and cleaning up the mess it created is one thing. But cleaning up these restrooms is a task that may be too big for any company to undertake.” Reported by DailyRedundancy.com
Citing Kagan’s Lack of Judging Experience, GOP Proposes Paula Abdul Republicans Show Support for ‘Idol’ Star WASHINGTON – Howling in protest over Obama Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan’s lack of judging experience, leading Republicans today urged the President to withdraw Kagan and instead nominate Paula Abdul. “The American people have had years of watching Paula’s judging expertise, and they know that she is fair,” said Sen. Jeff Sessions (R., Ala.), top Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee. “She’s certainly fairer than Simon.” As to the criticism that sometimes on “American Idol” Ms. Abdul seemed to be not all there and had nothing to say, Sen. Sessions said, “You could say the same thing about Clarence Thomas.” Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
June, 2010
Sun Baked In Arizona, they passed a new law...
saying enforcement will be very simple.
“It may be a little inconvenient for some,” they said...
“but we know who we’re after.”
Indeed, it’s easy to tell who’s who...
June, 2010
and it’s way past time to take action.
HUMOR TIMES
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Narrowly Averted A bombing attempt in New York City failed...
and conservatives wish Cheney was still on the job.
Luckily, the terrorist bungled it...
and we dodged another one.
The threats are still out there, though...
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so it’s up to the average joe to stay vigilant.
HUMOR TIMES
June, 2010
Supreme Nominee Obama nominated another woman for the high court...
and Republicans were ready.
They said she’d have to prove her meddle...
and meet certain criteria.
There were concerns...
June, 2010
but the big ‘O’ said she was perfect.
HUMOR TIMES
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Miscellaneous Mischief
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June, 2010
More Mischief
June, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
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Still More Mischief
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HUMOR TIMES
June, 2010
Argus Sez Rush Limbaugh said he offered to play golf with President Obama last summer and Obama told him to go play with himself. That’s always a safe plan. It would’ve saved the careers of Tiger Woods, John Edwards and Lawrence Taylor. Tiger Woods was reported to have agreed with his wife Elin to file for divorce in Sweden. He was raised in Los Angeles where people are gen er ally wary of a mar i tal com mit ment. You’re talking about one or two years out of a person’s life. The NBA allowed the sale of the New Jersey Nets to Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov. He did business with Zimbabwe’s regime and the Russian Mafia. Buying into a rigged basketball league is his way of showing the judge he’s turning his life around. Germany’s Lufthansa Airlines announced that its flight attendants will carry handcuffs aboard all flights. There was a strong customer demand for it. Now that the airlines charge for baggage, leg room, blankets and food, only masochists fly. Phoenix lost the 2012 GOP Convention to Tampa despite heavy lobbying by Arizona’s Chamber of Commerce. The vote wasn’t close. Republicans want to meet in Florida where they can get deeply suntanned without being deported to Mexico for it. The L.A. City Council joined the boycott of Arizona despite seventy percent approval for Arizona’s immigration law. The anxiety level is ris ing. At the dog park in Tuc son the Chihuahuas are mating with the English Bulldogs just for their citizenship. Council of La Raza speakers were taped urging Hispanic crowds to seize Arizona back from America. How sad. It’s a shame that Mexican-Americans, African-Americans and An-
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June, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
ARGUS HAMILTON
glo-Americans can’t work together and build their dreams on Native American land. The Wall Street Journal said Gulf Coast hotels were suffering cancellations by holiday vacationers because of the oil spill. Not everyone was canceling. Some people were looking forward to having their Memorial Day barbecues right on the water. Oklahoma was hit by thirty-seven tornadoes which touched down in May. Twisters dipped out of the clouds and landed everywhere. The last time there were this many touchdowns in Oklahoma, Barry Switzer was investigated for recruiting violations. Betty White drew huge rat ings host ing NBC’s Saturday Night Live. It was amazing how many young viewers tuned in for the eighty-eight-year-old comedienne. NBC just announced that in five years she is going to take over the Tonight Show from Jay Leno. Queen Eliz a beth made Da vid Cameron prime minister after the Tories won the election there. Britain wants low taxes, lower spending and less government. The Tea Party was happy enough with their win in Massachusetts but this one could go to their heads. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said that he was afraid to go to Arizona because people would hear his accent and deport him. He’s wrong about that. People would hear his accent and say Democrats were right, the Nazis have taken over Arizona. Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad faced losing his U.S. citizenship. We could catch terrorists who marry for citizenship by flagging anyone on e-Harmony who lists his interests as topless bars and bringing down the Great Satan.
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Paranoia strikes deep: Autistic boy charged with making terrorist threats over stick-figure sketch SANDY SPRINGS, GA – A fourteen-year-old autistic boy is facing terrorist charges after a sketch he made in school. The sketch shows two stick-figures. One of them is labeled ‘Me’ and is shown shooting a gun at another with a teacher’s name above it. Karen Finn says that her son, 8th grader Shane Finn, doesn’t understand why he is in trouble. She says the boy is autistic and has the mental capacity of a 3rd grader. Officials at Ridgeview Charter School say the student will face a tribunal and is being charged with making terrorist threats.
Postman guilty in mass mail theft NEWCASTLE, England – A British mail carrier convicted of stealing mail abandoned his apartment after stuffing it with an estimated 76,000 letters and packages, prosecutors said. Paul Noga, 38, was forced to move in with his mother because he had no room left, The Daily Mail reported. Noga pleaded guilty Thursday in Newcastle Crown Court to stealing or delaying thousands of letters, bank statements and gift packages on his Northumberland route from September 2007 to September 2009. Noga’s lawyer, Shuan Routledge, said his client was a good man who had breached the public’s trust because he was working too many hours and became overwhelmed.
Dog on menu for astronauts CHINA – Yang Liwei, the 44-year-old military pilot who commanded the Shenzhou Five mission, revealed the menu on-board the spacecraft in his autobiography. “Many of my friends are curious about what we eat [in space] and think that the astronauts must have some expensive delicacies, like shark’s fin or abalone,” he wrote. He listed a menu including braised chicken, steamed fish and dog meat from Huajiang county in Guangdong, which is famed for its nutritional benefits in China. A local proverb in the south of China is that “Huajiang dog is better for you than ginseng,” referring to the medicinal root that plays a vital role in traditional Chinese medicine.
When umbrellas attack! COLLIER COUNTY – Two Naples businesses are being sued by customers who claim they were injured by large table umbrellas. A New Jersey woman is suing Abbott’s Frozen Custard on 5th Avenue. The woman says an umbrella outside the shop hit her in the head. Abbott’s Frozen Custard owner Joe Francher says the year-old case hasn’t been settled. Meanwhile, an East Naples woman is suing Publix. She says she was leaving the grocery store when an umbrella on display blew on top of her. In court, a business is only liable if they knew the umbrellas could be a hazard. Otherwise, it’s simply an accident. The lawsuits are rare but being attacked by an umbrella is pretty common in Southwest Florida. Thousands line the beaches a day at a time and on a windy day, it’s normal for a few to go flying.
Pill to live past 100 could be ready soon LONDON – A pill that will help you live to 100 and beyond may be available within two years. The drugs – spin-offs from research into age-related illnesses such as Alzheimer’s – are already being developed, according to an American professor. Professor Nir Barzilai, one of the world’s leading experts on ageing, said at a London conference, “Pharmaceutical companies are developing these drugs now. They will probably be available for testing by 2012.” The astonishing breakthrough follows intensive research into what makes cells die – and why some people dodge major illnesses such as cancer, diabetes and dementia to live beyond 100 still fit as a fiddle. The New York professor’s own team at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine has pinpointed genetic variants that let people live to a “ripe old age.” Those blessed with anti-aging genes tend not to get seriously ill towards the end of their lives – but die suddenly. Professor Barzilai, among experts at a Royal Society summit on ageing, said, “I’m seeing 100-year-olds who are not only 100 years old but in great shape. “People who die between 70 and 80 are sick in the last few years of their life. Centenarians are dying healthy.” He said people could begin taking a once-a-day longevity pill in their 40s or 50s.
Britian: Pig received voter registration reminder UCKFIELD, England – A British woman said her pet pig received a letter from officials encouraging it to register to vote in the general election. Pauline Grant, 73, of Uckfield, England, said her pig, Blossom, receives several pieces of junk mail each month due to a Land Registry error when her building was renovated two years ago and the animal recently received a notice reminding her to register to vote in last week’s election, The Daily Telegraph reported Wednesday. “I could not believe it when the letter telling Blossom to register to vote came through it was one of the strangest things I had ever seen,” Grant said. “I am not sure who Blossom would have voted for but at a guess I would say the Green Party. They would probably look after her needs best.”
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June, 2010
June, 2010
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