Humor Times, July 2010

“Our impact on the world is slight. So take life for a comedy, play it for laughs.” – Garrison Keillor Issue #223

July, 2010

The News, the Fun Way!

Merely $

(Half that w 3 ! subscriptioith a n!)

Formerly the Comic Press News

®

Don’t Cry About the News, Laugh About It, with the Humor Times!

00

2

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2010

Editor’s Rant As a country, we refused President Jimmy Carter’s exhortations, way back in 1977 to begin to reduce our energy use and move toward alternative energy. Heck, even that radical Republican President Nixon made speeches about it.

If we had taken all the energy subsidies given to the rich coal, oil and nuclear industries (corporate welfare) all these years and put it toward alternative energy, I’d be willing to bet we could have afforded solar panels on every home and business, solar and wind farms, energy retrofits on every building, development of electric & hybrid cars much sooner, and the infrastructure to service them (battery charging and swapping stations, etc).

Whatever the details, we could have been much, much further down the road toward real energy independence and carbon reduction, and there wouldn’t have been the pressure to “drill baby drill” in depths where we have no business drilling – because we can’t do it safely.

Instead, we are now faced with an environmental catastrophe of unprecedented proportions.

So bad, in fact, that much of the country is in denial about it.

The Gulf coast is home to 40% of the nations wetlands. It is an incredibly intricate and delicate ecosystem that is also one of the world’s richest marine environments. Or... was.

As 35,000-100,000 barrels of oil (who knows?) spew into this fragile ecosystem from a hole we punched into the depths of hell, each day rises to the level of full-blown disaster on its own.

And here we have two months of it. That’s an unbelievable amount of crude defiling our waters.

But, that wasn’t enough. No, we had to let the criminal enterprise known as BP (Beyond the Pale) – with its long history of cutting corners and breaking laws, to the ruination of lives and ecosystems along the way – go ahead and spew nearly a million gallons more of highly toxic chemical dispersants. BP hoped to hide some of the spill this way. But all it did was further poison the waters and the creatures that live there, as well as spread the pain via underwater plumes to creatures of the deep who might’ve otherwise avoided the brunt of the effects.

And we may not have even heard the worst of it. There are reports of gas bubbles forming under the ocean floor that could blow under enormous pressures with unfathomable consequences (see www.brasschecktv.com/page/872.html). I’m no geologist, so I don’t know, but that’s the point – we may not really know what we’ve gotten ourselves into here.

This disaster once again brings to the fore the main problem: we’ve sold out our government to the highest bidders, the energy corporations that reap obscene profits off the resources under our land and waters. These resources were not reserved for them by the hand of God or the evolution of the planet, and yet they get rich while we get the shaft.

As most of us endure economic hardship, brought on by yet other irresponsible corporate “persons” – financial “geniuses” who also bought off legislators to help them privatize their profits while socializing the losses – these oil behemoths are enjoying record earnings. What is wrong with this picture?

– James Israel, Publisher/editor

Humor Times Readers Special!

Best Flows in Years!

Special Discount for Humor Times readers:

9900

$

Midweek One-Day Trip Call for more info!

Surf raftwet.com

to our website

for special discounts!

1.888.RAFTWET Be our fan! facebook.com/wetrivertrips Follow us! twitter.com/wetrivertrips

E R R I V

P S T R I

79TH SEMI-ANNUAL SHOW! FREE ION ISS ADM this Aonds!) wiothreproducti (N

Glass P ottery & C hina Show a nd S ale

F ADM REE wit ISSION (No h this repro d

Beautiful,U seful,D ecorativeW ares

Ad !

uctio ns)

Scottish Rite Temple,6 151 “H” Street,S acramento

Saturday, August7 ,2 010,1 0:00- 5 :00 Sunday, August8 ,2 010,1 1:00- 4 :00 CHECK US OUT ONLINE! Our website is www.humortimes.com, our Facebook page is at www.facebook.com/HumorTimes (fan us!), and you may follow our tweets at http://twitter.com/humortimes.

Admission:$ 5.00- Return Privileges Hourly DrawingsB oth Days• M ustb ep resentt o win

FreeP arking• Miracle GlassR epair JudyL ang, GordonB oggs, ShowC hair Adv.C hair Sponsored by I .D.G.C., Inc. 530-274-0911 916-456-2280 Benefittingt heSa cramento PublicL ibraries and the Alzheimer Association

THE HUMOR TIMES BLOG can be found at blog.humortimes.com and we blog our original Humor Times “Faux News” stories at fauxnews.humortimes.com (but only after the printed publication has been our for several weeks).

GOT YOUR OWN RANT? We’re sure you have your opinions too, so please visit our online Humor Times Forum at humortimes.com/forum/ and have your say... You can discuss issues with other Humor Times readers, or just rant about whatever’s on your mind!

Califor nia Stage presents

Also, IF YOU SUBSCRIBE to the Humor Times, you may log in to your account (use the link at humortimes.com, under mailbox graphic on the upper left), and view the six most recent issues, in PDF or “Flip page” format. Enjoy!

$1 • SAVE A BUCK by entering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $1 ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!!

Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________

Shadow of a Man Written by Cherie Moraga • Directed by Antonio Juarez Shadow of a Man is a look at relationships within a disintegrating Chicano family where past secrets and hidden desires threaten to destroy the tenuous remains of all they have built.

Those of you who saw our productions of Mixtitlan and Women of Juarez know that Mr. Juarez’s work is superb!

The play is in “Spanglish” – Easy to follow!

Plays July 8 to August 1, Fridays & Saturdays at 8:00 pm and Sundays at 2:00 pm.

If a gift, your name: ________________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $18.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $34.95 36 issues (3 years). . . . $50.95 Please Check if RENEWAL

12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $33.95 24 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $65.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $50.95 12 issues/PDF download. . . . . $9.95 Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________

Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a

Or use your: p Discover

p Visa

p Mastercard

p American Express

Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)

Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________ (Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-455-1217 or toll-free 866-509-4701.)

July, 2010

In Wilkerson Theater, 1725 25th Street, Midtown aa Easy free parking available • Reservations: 451-5822 • www.seeaplay.com

$20.00 General, $15.00 for seniors, students & SARTA members.

Humor Times (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 19, Issue 223, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 4208 Norton Way, Sacramento, CA 95820. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95604.

Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217.

Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lane, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Jim Siergey, Tab, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2010. No part may be reproduced without permission.

HUMOR TIMES

3

Plume of Doom The mess in the Gulf was caused by a mess in Washington...

The new prez says he’s determined to change things...

at the Holy Fountain of Deregulation.

and put the best minds available on the job.

Tea party types, as always, are righteously indignant... venting against the party in power. (continued)

4

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2010

Questions abound.

Such as: Who is responsible?

And, what have they been up to?

Who shares the blame?

And can we change?

July, 2010

It is, after all, our solemn responsibility. (continued, pg. 8)

HUMOR TIMES

5

Looking for Rainbow in the Oil Slick Cowboy Down The same way that crèème brule is unlike pork rinds, and a Lincoln Town Car is not a pickup truck, so is Barack Obama not George Bush. As a matter of fact, one of the reasons Barack Obama is currently President is because he’s SO not George Bush. He might just be the most UnBushish politician currently in possession of a Y chromosome with the possible exception of Jerry Brown who doesn’t count because he’s an alien.

But the relentlessly dispiriting Gulf Coast Leakage has beaten America with Jimmy Carter’s feeble stick and we’re feeling as impotent as a eunuch watching Cinemax at 3am on a Saturday morning; trembling for Daddy to come to our rescue and punch the bad spill in the face. Hence, the media skies have been clouded with entreaties for the President to get his spurs on and Cowboy Up in front of we wee ones.

Calls have come from the left and the right in whispers and in shouts to do something bold and avoid becoming Mister Mission Unaccomplished. Never content to let a national crisis stand in the way of politics, the right has questioned the President’s manhood suggesting the cold spring Gulf waters may have caused massive shriveling amongst the spillage. Even Spike Lee exhorted him to “one time, go off.” And what Spike Lee says, goes.

Just ask the New York Knicks.

For good or for ill, Obama responded. First by intimating he was furious. And you could tell he really was upset because his face got all frowny-like. Less emphasis on hope and more on con-

cerned contemplation. Then Press Secretary Robert Gibbs spoke of a clenched jaw. Which to be honest, could mean anything.

Might have gotten a piece of tofu caught in his bridgework. Or perhaps he was trying to squeeze out the last bit of flavor in his Juicy Fruit. We don’t know.

Finally, Obama was heard to say “we talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose butt to kick." Only he didn’t say butt. He said the A word that rhymes with big mouth bass. Whoa. Dude. Settle. Mister President. Sir. You are many things. But Butt Kicking Chief Executive is not why we hired you. Right now we need that calm and collected smartypants whose idea of wild and crazy is working ’til his deodorant nearly expires. Cooler than the other side of the pillow. Penguin tail time.

Dubyah reminded us of an entitled cackling jock giving geeks and nerds two-handed wedgies in the high school bathroom. You, however, are here to teach those dorks how to retire to a stall and rearrange themselves before reentering the hallway, studying hard and getting that job paying enough to turn the wedgie giver’s dad’s GM dealership into a solar panel production facility.

You don’t need to answer Spike Lee’s outbursts. What, you gonna to base our foreign policy on an offhand remark by Delroy Lindo? America doesn’t need Harrison Ford or The Incredible Hulk flying out of the cargo door of Air Force One. Not even the Credible Hulk. Look at Congress. We got plenty of Hulks. Besides, you don’t wear the right kind of Butt Kicking Shoes. For

WILL DURST

that, you need cowboy boots. With those beautiful Italian loafers, a person runs the risk of spraining a foot. Or a midterm election.

The Bright Side of the BP Oil Spill To say the news coming out of the Gulf is not what you call encouraging is like saying it’s been a rough week for Dennis Hopper. And it’s making people crazy. No. Really. Crazy. Louisiana native and Democratic strategist James Carville went off on the President like a string of overstuffed firecrackers in a pot-bellied stove. And for Carville to savage the leader of his own party either means he’s mad as hell and can’t take it anymore or his wife, Mary Matalin’s naggingly oppressive monotonic brain-washing has achieved full saturation. I would hazard a bit of both.

You got Republicans calling for domestic government intervention. While on the other side of Loopyville, some Dems are screaming for the military to take over. The hell do they expect the Army to be able to do that BP can’t, shoot it? Surround the mile deep spill, capture and occupy it? Proceed to win its hearts and minds? Hey, Alice, which way out of this rabbit hole?

Outside of that stone plug that Jack used in “Lost,” BP appears to have tried everything: Top Hat. Top Kill. Top Cat. Top Chef.

Topkapi. Topographical maps. Topol. Topamax. Topo Gigio. But thus far, the only thing they’ve managed to accomplish is to make the spill very, very angry. Not as angry as folks near the affected areas who just want to get back to their lives. Especially in the wake of the recent “We’re BP and we’re so sorry” ad campaign that’s costing millions to air in lieu of expediting financial claims.

Destined to rank right up there with marrying a Kardashian, for worst PR move, EVER. Now word comes down the plumey pike that the wound we opened in the lower epidermis of the Earth might not be closed until a relief well is finished sometime in August, so perhaps we should accept the fact that the Gulf is short-term doomed and start to seek out the Brightsides of the BP Oil Spill.

America has always been the Imperial Wizard of the International Optimists League. And now is a perfect time for us to jump back into the silver lining business. Because when this country is handed lemons, we make lemonade. All we need is a couple of dump trucks full of sugar, and ironically, some clean water.

Top 15 Bright Sides of the BP Oil Spill: • Your shrimp dish comes pre-marinated.

• Newly affordable waterfront properties.

• Frolicsome beachside tar ball fights.

• Gulf Coast salad dressing: just add vinegar.

• Jet Skis able to refuel mid-trip.

• Lubricated Jelly Fish.

• Mortared with oil and tar, sand castles now tide-proof.

• Fewer silly election year cries of “Drill, Baby, Drill.”

• No more squeaky oysters.

• Need an oil change? Wander down to water’s edge and squeegee a duck.

• Hot enough day, and voila: the world’s largest fish fry.

• Don’t bother drilling for oil, the oil is coming to us.

• Romantic beach bonfires 24/7.

• Wriggling out of your tight swimsuit is a breeze.

• Every dock and pier instantly doubles as a Slip’n’Slide.

Will Durst is a San Francisco based political comedian who often writes. This being an egregious example. Catch his one-man show, “The Lieutenant Governor from the State of Confusion” at a Performing Arts Center near you. His new CD, “Raging Moderate” from Stand Up! Records, now available on both iTunes and Amazon.

6

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2010

Hydrogarden

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care.

SUN SY HPS OR STEM Mh400 ST ARTING $

199 00

Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment.

AT

Hydroponics • Organic Nutrients Indoor Greenhouse Lights & MUCH MORE Largest selection available • Low price guarantee

Acupuncture • Mercury-Free Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing .

Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle.

We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.

Citrus Heights Hydrogarden 8043 Greenback Lane • 916-728-GROW (4769)

Mystic Gardens 8484 Florin Rd. #110 • 916-381-2464

Grass Valley Hydrogarden 12520 Loma Rica Dr. #3 & 4 • 530-477-2996

Mystic Gardens II 1918 16th St. • 916-447-4769

al nnu A h 11t

Saturday, Aug 21st, 11am-11pm Featuring Live Music ALL Day! Including: IZABELLA, The Pyronauts and much more...

Izabella

Craft and organic food vendors Sustainability speakers • Kids space Over 30 booths of info Info at www.ridgestock.org, 530-477-4724.

Advance tickets available July 1st at Briar Patch, Grass Valley. $20 advance, $25 door.

INTERNET

Enjoy

Vic’s Ice Cream Vic’s ice Cream is a delicious homemade treat anytime! Enjoy any of dozens of fabulous flavors! And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches!

Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years. Family owned & operated.

3199 Riverside Blvd.

Sacramento

TRIPLE

Your Modem Speed!

Forget the high cost of DSL or cable with our 3XS service Internet & e-mail from $8.33/mo.

Full Service ISP • Toll-free Dial-up ISDN, DSL, Wireless, Web Sites, Domains Tech Support • Business • Residential

448-0892 Also Available at: BURR'S FOUNTAIN

WILLIE’S

4920 Folsom Blvd.

Sacramento

5050 Arden Way Fair Oaks

Toll-free 1-888-865-5949 Sacramento 916-231-1680 Sign up online at www.CWO.com

Give the Gift of Laughter: The Gift That Keeps ’em Smiling All Year!

Use the form on page 3, or go online for a buck off all subscriptions: www.humortimes.com!

July, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

7

Plume of Doom (continued) As the disaster spreads...

it continues to claim victims.

BP has tried many creative strategies...

and are running out of ideas.

8

but lately they’ve been getting desperate...

Meanwhile, Americans are growing impatient. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2010

BP said they would help victims...

July, 2010

and that we should leave it all up to them.

Meanwhile, things have changed...

and may never be the same again.

It’s going to take more than wishes...

to effect real change.

HUMOR TIMES

9

What They’re Saying Quotes on Issues of the Day Reports have been coming out of the Gulf for days about British Petroleum blocking access to beaches and animal-cleaning stations, in some instances using private Blackwater-style mercenaries... Journalists as well as citizens have been thwarted in their attempts to see for themselves the extent of the damage being done by the runaway Deepwater Horizon disaster.

Know what I’d like to see happen? I would like to see a thousand people, ten thousand, a hundred thousand, just show the hell up down there and demand access.

Citizens and reporters alike, just get down there, link arms, and walk to the beaches and the marshlands with digital cameras and cell phones for instantaneous blogging of what they see, hear and smell. Pile into as many rented, borrowed and begged boats as can be mustered and plow out there to the scene of the crime. Dare the gendarmes to stop us.

One of two things would happen: either the people would break through those unconscionable corporate barriers and show the world what is really going on in the Gulf, or the forces BP has arrayed against the truth would re act with vi o lence, which would tell us everything we need to know about what is happening, and would be enough to break that God damned criminal corporation finally and forever. Either way, there would be thousands of people down there to chronicle what is happening, a ready-made army of volunteers who can also pitch in as best they can and begin the epic process of trying to undo what has been done.

Sounds crazy? Maybe, but it is the kind of direct action that has been missing from our national narrative, not just in the Gulf but all over.

– William Rivers Pitt, truthout.org, Tuesday 15 June 2010

The Hightower Lowdown Government Impotence and Corporate Rule Many news reports about the Gulf oil catastrophe refer to it as a “spill.” Wrong.

A spill is a minor “oops” – one accidentally spills milks, for example, and from childhood, we’re taught the old aphorism: “Don’t cry over spilt milk.” What’s in the Gulf isn’t milk and it wasn’t spilt. The explosion of BP’s Deepwater Horizon well was the inevitable result of deliberate decisions made by avaricious corporate ex ec u tives, lais sez faire pol i ti cians and obsequious regulators.

As the ruinous gulf oil blowout spreads onto land, over wildlife, across the ocean floor and into people’s lives, it raises a fundamental question for all of us Americans: Who the hell’s in charge here? What we’re witnessing is not merely a human and environmental horror, but also an appalling deterioration in our nation’s governance. Just as we saw in Wall Street’s devastating economic disaster and in Massey Energy’s murderous explosion inside its Upper Big Branch coal mine, the nastiness in the gulf is baring an ugly truth that We the People must finally face: We are living under de facto corporate rule that has rendered our government impotent.

Thirty years of laissez-faire, ideological nonsense (pushed upon us with a vengeance in the past decade) has transformed government into a subsidiary of corporate power. Wall Street, Massey, BP and its partners – all were allowed to become their own “regulators” and officially encouraged to put their short-term profit interests over the public interest.

Let’s not forget that on April 2, barely two weeks before Deepwater Horizon blew and 11 people perished on the spot, the public’s No. 1 official, Barack Obama, trumpeted his support for more deepwater oil drilling, blithely regurgitating Big Oil’s big lie: “Oil rigs today generally don’t cause spills.” He and his advisors had not bothered to check the truth of that – they simply took the industry’s word. That’s not governing, it’s aiding and abetting profiteers, and it’s a pathetic performance.

But that was only the start of Washington’s oily confession that it has surrendered control to corporate arrogance and avarice. With an unprecedented volume of crude gushing from the well and the magnitude of the disaster multiplying geometrically by the day, who was in charge of coping with that? Not the White House, not the interior secretary, not the EPA. As we saw when Wall Street’s greed exploded our economy, the pol luting scoundrels were left in charge!

While BP’s dapper CEO issued patently ridiculous statements (such as, “Everything we can see at the moment suggests that the overall environmental impact of this will be very, very modest”), our government blindly went along with BP’s false assertion that only some 5,000 barrels a day were pouring from the well, when independent experts were shouting at the White House that the correct volume was up to 19 times that much.

Finally, almost a month after the blowout, Obama ordered a moratorium on drilling new offshore wells and on granting environmental waivers to the oil giants. Bravo, Mr. President!

JIM HIGHTOWER But ... his moratorium was simply ignored. Days after his order, oil companies were handed at least seven more drilling permits and five waivers.

Last week, with 63 percent of the public disapproving of his meek deference to BP, the president of the United States of America was reduced to convening a press conference to insist that he was “engaged” and, behind the scenes, was “monitoring” BP’s efforts.

Wow, monitoring! Excuse me, but who’s the president here? Obama should personally take charge –-cancel all of his social and political events, convene an emergency response team of the best scientific minds in the world, announce a clear plan of clean-up actions, install all relevant Cabinet officials in a Gulf Coast command center to direct the actions, make daily reports on progress to the public, fire a mess of failed regulators and go to Congress with sweeping legislation to replace America’s oil dependency with a crash pro gram of conservation and renewable energy sources.

Oh, he should also wring a few corporate necks. Instead of monitoring these criminals, prosecute them – and put the public back in charge of our government.

“It’s difficult to get a man to understand something if his salary depends on him not understanding it.” – Upton Sinclair

Whether it’s Wall Street or health insurers or oil companies, we are approaching a turning point. The top executives of powerful corporations are pursuing profits in ways that menace the nation. We have not seen the likes not since the late nineteenth century when the “robber barons” of finance, oil, and the giant trusts ran roughshod over America. Now, as then, they are using their wealth and influence to buy off legislators and intimidate the regions that depend on them for jobs. Now, as then, they are threatening the safety and security of our people.

This is not to impugn the integrity of all business leaders or to suggest that private enterprise is inherently evil or dangerous. It is merely to state a fact that more and more Americans are beginning to know in their bones.

Our President must tell is like it is – not with rancor but with the passion and conviction of a leader who recognizes what is happening & rallies the nation behind him.

– Robert Reich’s blog, 16 June 2010 I was disappointed this to see a dreary and familiar politics get in the way of our ability to move forward on a series of critical issues that have a direct impact on people’s lives… All we ask for is a simple up or down vote. That’s what the American people deserve. Just like they deserve an up or down vote on legislation that would hold oil companies accountable for the disasters they cause – a vote that is also being blocked by the Republican leadership in the Senate...

We should remove that cap. But the Republican leadership won’t even allow a debate or a vote.

– President Obama in his weekly radio address, June 19, 2010

10

Reach down deep and GIVE to those in need …

OF A GOOD DOSE OF POLITICAL SATIRE! Use the form on page 3, or SAVE A BUCK online at www.humortimes.com!

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2010

See You Online

Muddle East As Israel’s blockade got tighter...

Internet use continues to expand...

their heavy-handedness backfired.

as do web-based companies...

and of course, the World Wide Web is a great networking tool.

And the contentious debate continues.

July, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

11

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

We’ve Got Your “Unique Gift” Idea Right Here!

Make someone smile – Give ’em the HUMOR TIMES! Use the form on page 3, or get a buck off all subscriptions by signing up at www.humortimes.com!

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

We’ve Got Your “Unique Gift” Idea Right Here!

Make someone smile – Give ’em the HUMOR TIMES! Use the form on page 3, or get a buck off all subscriptions by signing up at www.humortimes.com!

“We Report, You Decry!”

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits of Unobtainium in Afghanistan U.S. and Afghan officials claim to have discovered more than $1 trillion in un tapped Unobtainium deposits in Afghanistan, far beyond any pre vi ously known re serves and enough to fundamentally alter the Afghan economy – and perhaps the war it self, according to s e n io r American military officials.

Artist’s conception of typical Unobtai Afghan citizen. nium is one of the rarest and most unobtainable minerals in the universe, previously only thought to exist inside the uncreative mind of movie director James Cameron. It sells for upwards of $20 million per kilogram, and tends to be guarded by “stupid, uneducated, savage peoples that don’t understand its value,” according to Marine Corps Colonel Steven Quaritch. “ Ty p i c a l l y, t h e o n l y w a y t o o b t a i n Unobtainium is to blow up the savages protecting it, because for some reason they always live right on top of it,” said Quaritch, who is leading the invasion of the ground below Afghanistan.

“Luck ily, we’ve got a head start in the invasion!”

The reserves of Unobtainium, theoretically obtainable by modern mining methods, remain untapped by the people of Afghanistan. According to a poll of Americans, this is primarily because they ride around on camels and do not speak any known language.

“It is a complete waste,” continued Col. Quaritch, “that this super-duper im por tant American mineral somehow got stuck under their soil. We deserve our fair share.”

Sigourney Weaver, the actress best known for her performance as Marcia Lawton on the 70’s television series 3 by Cheever, was not confident about the discovery. “At a time of growing despair about Afghanistan,” she said during a phone interview with E!, “seeing the country as a goldmine may attract mercenaries and dispossessed soldiers in an attempt to destroy that large tree in which all Afghan people live.”

Weaver is referring to “Home Tree,” which ac cord ing to U.S. in tel li gence is both the world’s largest tree and the Mecca for all Islamic peoples in the world. Reports indicate that all Afghan citizens live in Home Tree, which is located directly above the Unobtainium deposit.

Removing the Afghans from Home Tree may be extremely difficult, but American planners are not worried.

“Once we find out what the blue monkeys want, it’ll be easy,” said McWhiterman. “They can’t avoid joining real civilization forever.”

Reported by EnduringVision.com

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

BP Asks Oil-Soaked Birds to Report to Authorized Reclamation Centers Pledges not to charge birds cost of retrieving seized oil HOUSTON, TX - As clean-up efforts continue, BP has made a request that all oil-soaked birds make their way to reclamation centers so the oil they’ve gathered can be returned. The centers will then process the oil and make it available for distribution.

“It is in the world’s best interest that oil supply remains stable. If that means wringing out a few seagulls in our avian oil reclamation center, then so be it,” said BP spokesman Robert Helford. “It isn’t like the birds are going to use that oil for anything useful.

The oil company considers their request to be beneficial to all parties, and hope that the birds will comply without having to take legal action.

“We would like to make it clear that all oil that has leaked into the gulf is property of BP,” said BP CEO Tony Hayward. “These birds are already

get ting free massages and sponge baths at our expense, they aren’t keeping our oil too.

In an ef fort to show good faith, BP has decided not to charge the birds for the cost of removing feathers and grime from the oil. The reclaimed oil will be refined and sold at BP: Birds won’t be charged for cost of removing oil. the pump under the names, “Sea Gull Economy,” “Albatross Plus,” and “Hi-Octane Pelican.”

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

Alvin Greene to Challenge Obama in 2012 Primaries ‘Running election campaigns is so easy, even I can do it’ A Humor Times exclusive name is Al Greene. C’mon – fucking AL MANNING, SOUTH CAROLINA – Fresh off GREENE, alright?” a surprise Democratic primary victory against Vic It’s true, many have admitted voting for him Rawl, in which he ran what he because his name reminded them calls a “non-campaign,” Alvin of the iconic soul singer Al Green.

G reen e ha s a n n ounc e d tha t Greene said he plans to make Al whether or not he wins the election Green’s “Let’s Stay Together” his against incumbent Republican Jim campaign theme song in 2012.

DeMint in the fall, he plans to Asked what his campaign platchallenge Obama for the Demoform might consist of, Mr. Greene cratic primary in 2012. responded with his trademark, en“Heck, this stuff is so easy, dear ing deer-in-the-head lights even I can do it, so why not?” look, and after a long pause, said, Alvin Greene Greene asked a roomful of report“Oh, I got some scrap wood out ers this morning. “Besides, I’m a celebrity now,” back and a few nails, and I know how to use a he added, munching on a Snickers candy bar. hammer. Bet ya thought I didn’t, huh?”

Asked if he thinks he can get any financial “Besides,” he added, “that guy in the suit that backing for the run, Greene said, “I don’t need no helped me this time said he’d be back, and he’d stinking financials, I know how to make flyers have some new computer chips for the voting manow, the guy at Kinko’s showed me. Besides, my chines, or something like that.”

China to Stop Spying on Its People; Will Use Facebook Instead Social network to replace listening devices, spy satellites BEIJING – The Chinese gov ern ment announced to day that it would disband its extensive do mes tic spy ing program that gathers personal information on its cit izens and would inFacebook user. stead use Facebook.

According to the head of the domestic spying operation, China decided to scrap its elaborate array of spy satellites, eavesdropping devices and closed-circuit surveillance cameras after recog-

nizing that Facebook put them all to shame.

“At the end of the day, we were not getting as much intimate personal data as Facebook does,” he said. “So as of today, every man, woman and child in China is officially our ‘friend.’”

The Chinese version of Facebook, launched next week, will feature addictive online games reminiscent of the American version, such as Collective Farmville.

Elsewhere, a study shows that the link between cell phones and cancer is unclear, but the link between cell phones and assholes remains strong.

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

US Threatens North Korea with Hillary Clinton In his ongoing quest to rid the world of nuclear weapons, US President Barack Obama has sent out a stark warning to the isolated country of North Korea: “Continue your tirade against the South and you will feel the wrath of Hillary Rodham Clinton.”

The warning comes after Mr Obama met with officials at the Pentagon to review North Korea’s ongoing breech of UN imposed sanctions.

Speaking from the White House this morning the president said that imposing sanctions on Kim

14

Jong Il’s regime was “simply not enough” and insisted that the United States is prepared to use Mrs Clinton as a weapons deterrent if necessary.

“If further violations continue and North Korea does not bow to the will of the international community then they will have our Secretary of State to deal with.”

Mrs Clinton, formerly employed as a weapon during husband Bill Clinton’s administration, is believed to be equipped with a personality 500 times more ferocious than the atom bomb that

devastated Hiroshima in 1945.

“This warning goes out to all the other countries who would do us harm,” con tin ued the president. “If you continue to follow measures that endanger the peaceful world, my administration is prepared to show you the true meaning of aggression. You’ve been warned.” Reported by DailyFortnight.com

HUMOR TIMES

Bin Laden: ‘Professionally Envious’ of BP ‘I’ve got to step up my game,’ says madman PAKISTAN CAVE – In a new video that is light on his usual threats but heavy on admiration, Osama bin Laden admits that he is “professionally envious” of oil giant BP’s massive oil spill, saying that it puts his efforts to create destruction and chaos to shame.

“There are times in an evildoer’s life when one has to stand back and admire a job well done,” Mr. bin Laden says in the video.

“BP, you blow me away.”

The Al-Qaeda mastermind adds that his first thought upon seeing BP’s spill was, “Man, I’ve got to step up my game.”

Mr. bin Laden claims in the video that he rarely feels envious towards other evildoers, but says he likes “to use that energy to push myself to be the best terrorist I can be.”

As for the envy he felt after seeing BP’s handiwork, the madman says, “I haven’t felt this way since the whole Toyota thing.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

Police Call Off Search for Waldo “Wally” Smith, Fearing Worst After more than twenty years, Interpol have called off the search for missing hiker Waldo Smith. Known to his friends simply as “Wally,” Waldo went missing whilst travelling in 1987 leading to one of the most highly pub licised missing p e r s o n s cases in history.

Although there were sev eral reported sightings over the years most were ruled out by police due to the unlikely nature of the locations. These included a caveman village and a flying carpet.

Inter pol have said that after so many years they simply do not have enough leads to continue the case.

When questioned about the interviewing of a man known simply as Odlaw Interpol said that that they could find no definite connection between the two men. They also declined to comment on the disappearance of Waldo’s long term partner Wenda in 1991.

In the statement Interpol said “At this point we must assume one of two possibilities: either Wally does not want to be found or, of course the worst-case scenario, he is dead.”

The family of Waldo has said “we will hold on to hope as long as no body is found but we can never relax until we know the answer to the question ‘Where’s Wally?’”

Reported by DailyFortnight.com

July, 2010

Tea-ed Off Tea party types are pissed...

so they’re running Republican candidates...

Dear Reader, You are the backbone of this publication. We need your continued support, now more than ever.

We’re sure it won’t surprise you that a magazine that points out the laughable sanctimony of corporations and the politicians in their pockets will not attract a lot of deep pocket advertisers. Therefore, we are dependent on small business advertisers and our subscribers.

Ultimately, we’d like to limit the amount of advertising anyway, and just bring you more of the great cartooning and political satire you love, supported by paid subscriptions. But for now at least, advertising helps us pay the bills, and we are very thankful to those businesses that help support this endeavor.

that are sure to reinvigorate the party.

The arrogance, greed and hypocrisy that led to the economic collapse is just the sort of thing we rail against with pointed humor and political satire. Ironically, that very crisis is also strangling the revenue stream of publications like ours, which people depend on for the truth (as well as scathing hilarity), which is scarce in the corporate-owned media.

Please support us now and in the months and years ahead with subscriptions, renewals and gifts. You can also help simply by spreading the word – tell your friends about us through emails, Facebook, twitters and good old-fashioned word of mouth. Give them our web address, and share your used copies of this publication. (And please fan us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter, as well as passing on our social networking info, below.)

With your help, we plan to be around for many years to come, keeping the power brokers honest, and lampooning them mercilessly when they are not. Thank you so much for your continued support!

www.humortimes.com blog.humortimes.com fauxnews.humortimes.com www.facebook.com/humortimes twitter.com/humortimes

Humor Times P.O. Box 162429 Sacramento, CA 95816 916-455-1217

Friends Don’t Let Friends Endure the News Without Great Political Satire… Give the HUMOR TIMES today!

July, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

15

Dems The prez is getting pressured from all sides...

and is feeling a little boxed in.

Many say he lacks passion.

Meanwhile, Tipper called it quits...

showing Al the door...

16

but he’s no quitter.

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2010

Primarily P.O.ed It’s a tough year for incumbents...

but they do enjoy a certain edge.

Voters are in a bad mood...

and have exacted revenge.

As pundits tried to make sense of it all...

July, 2010

citizens began to enjoy their summer break.

HUMOR TIMES

17

Sinking Feeling As the recovery stalls...

so does Wall Street.

Graduates are entering the job market...

and find themselves in good company.

Americans are trying hard to cope...

18

as many resort to creative solutions.

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2010

Argus Sez Cleveland residents watched in horror recently when a six-story statue of Jesus Christ was struck by lightning and burned to a crisp.

It’s obvious what happened here. The rest of us can simply hit the delete button when we don’t like our pictures.

World Cup crowds were ripped by doctors who said the buzzing vuvuzela horns were spreading germs throughout the stadium. Nothing can be done. The U.N. tried to set up a Clean Vuvuzela Exchange but the locals insist on sharing them to save money.

The Humor Times – the Cure for an Unfunny World.

See subscription form on page 3!

July, 2010

House Minority Leader John Boehner’s disclosure forms revealed he lost a fortune in BP stock. The reason he’s so tan is he lost his shirt.

Every time Boehner goes to Arizona to campaign for John McCain he risks being detained by police and deported to Mexico.

Charlie Sheen’s silver Mercedes-Benz was stolen and crashed last month. It was the second silver Benz stolen from his home and crashed this year. The economy’s so bad even guys who make two million a show are committing insurance fraud to pay the bills.

The FBI released files saying that Jack Kennedy held sex parties at the Hotel Carlyle. In those days it was easier to keep secrets. If Jackie Kennedy had ever read JFK’s text messages he would have been the only U.S. president assassinated twice.

Barack Obama forced BP to pay oil rig workers during the deep sea drilling ban he imposed.

They go to sea for a week, make a fortune, come back ashore for a week and blow it. They are like Somali pirates except now the White House boards the ships for them.

Al Gore was reported to be having an affair with Laurie David, the ex-wife of Larry David.

The infidelity ended Gore’s marriage. People have been blaming everything on George Bush for so long we forgot that some things could be blamed on Bill Clinton.

British Petroleum adopted Saudi Arabia’s oil spill clean-up methods and began burning the oil in the Gulf. The tourism troubles are over.

Alabama and Mississippi can now advertise their beaches as an all-you-can-eat fried shrimp buffet.

President Obama pressed BP into setting up a twenty billion dollar escrow fund. It will act just like a government, taking from the rich and giving to the poor. He’s just named Rod

That Others May Laugh.

Blagojevich gov er nor of the new state of Corruptopia.

President Obama told the country the Bush administration’s Interior Department was so deeply corrupt that his own people couldn’t reform the Minerals Management Service in time.

He’s one to talk. With the money Barack Obama took from BP for TV ads, it took biologists six weeks to clean the slime off Sarah Palin after the election ended.

White House dinner crasher Michaela Salahi landed a role on the Real Housewives of Washington D.C. What a gal. She exposed the poor White House gate security at the state dinner for India and the next thing you know there was a state dinner for Mexico.

GIVE

ARGUS HAMILTON

Raltex Fabrics is needed employees in the categories, PAYROLL and PAY RECEIVER. Our salary is attractive and takes only little of your time. For more info, Contact our at raltexfabric @gmail.com@gmail.com

The Original Home Brew Outlet Finest Fermentation Equipment & Supplies in Sacramento Beer, Wine, Mead, Sake, Cider, Soda & Vinegars

Open 7 Days Classes & Gift Certificates Available (916)

348-6322

5528 Auburn Blvd (Auburn No. of Garfield) Mon-Sat 10-6 • Sun 10-3 www.ehomebrew.com

HUMOR TIMES

19

Miscellaneous Mischief

20

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2010

More Mischief

July, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

21

The Dreaded Vuvuzela Claims Its First Victim Insurance saleswoman Yvonne Mayer, 29, was unable to speak or eat for two days after ripping her windpipe when she blew the three foot horn during a street party in Cape Town.

The next day shocked doctors diagnosed her with a ruptured throat and ordered her to rest it completely to allow it to heal.

The bizarre injury is the first known vuvuzela-related accident since the World Cup kicked off.

Yvonne, from Cape Town, said: “At first I thought I’d gone down with a bug but the next day it was worse. When I went to the doctor he took a look and then laughed. He said I’d ruptured my throat by blowing too hard.

“I would urge other fans not to go over the top while blowing, and just follow what your body tells you. If it hurts, stop.

“The worst health risk with the vuvuzela is still the high volume your ears are subjected to. The best health advice I can give for England fans is to take a pair of earplugs to the game.

“They’re fantastic fun and really bring people together during the soccer, but my experience has proven they can be dangerous if underestimated.

“I don’t think I’d ever blow one again, because it wasn’t much fun.”

Baby Hospitalized with Blood-Alcohol Level of .33 An Atlanta babysitter was jailed after admitting she gave a potentially lethal amount of wine to an infant in her care, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported late Wednesday.

Tammy Denise Truitt, 41, con fessed in court to giv ing the nine-month-old baby boy wine in a sippy cup to make the infant fall asleep.

The baby was hospitalized with a blood-alcohol level of .33 — more than four times the legal limit for an adult.

Truitt, who pleaded guilty to aggravated battery, was sentenced on June 2 to eight years in prison and four years of probation.

The incident occurred in July 2009 when Truitt was asked to babysit the child, along with his four siblings, when the baby’s mother left town on a family emergency, the Times-Georgian reported.

The children’s grandmother arrived five hours later to discover the baby in an apparently lifeless state.

Indian Family of 162 Largest Under One Roof An Indian family with 162 members could be one of the largest living together under one roof, according to a report Saturday in The Times of India.

Ziona, the 66-year-old head of the family, has 32 wives and 94 children of his own, and his house is also home to his sons’ children.

The extremely large family all live together in one building, located 62 miles from Mizoram, eastern India, in which his wives use the one kitchen to cook the whole family’s meals.

“We prepare 30 to 35 kilograms (66 to 77 pounds) of pork when we want to eat meat and require around 50 kilograms of rice for dinner,” one of Ziona’s wives told the newspaper.

Ziona is head of the “Chana” sect, which practices a blend of democracy and communism.

Judge to Decide if Cheerleading is Sport HARTFORD, Conn – A federal judge is being asked to decide whether cheerleading can be counted as a sport by schools looking for ways to meet gender-equity requirements.

The issue is part of a lawsuit filed by five members of the volleyball team at Connecticut’s Quinnipiac University and coach Robin Sparks last year after the school decided in a budgetary move to eliminate women’s volleyball in favor of a competitive cheer squad.

Judge Stefan Underhill also will be asked to decide whether Quinnipiac improperly manipulates the size of the rosters of its other teams to get around complying with Title IX, the 1972 federal law that mandates equal opportunities for men and women in athletics.

Underhill issued a temporary injunction last year that prevented the school from disbanding the volleyball team after finding the school was over-reporting the participation opportunities for its female athletes and under-reporting the opportunities for men.

Evidence showed the men’s baseball and lacrosse teams, for example, would drop players before reporting data to the Department of Education and reinstate them after the reports were submitted. Conversely, the women’s softball team would add players before the reporting date, knowing the additional players would not be on the team in the spring.

Ducks Bring Freeway Traffic to Halt ORANGE, Calif., June 19 (UPI) – Highway patrol officers in Southern California say they needed help recently with a traffic jam – a mother duck and six ducklings in traffic lanes.

As animal control workers headed for the freeway, California Highway Patrol officers were able to escort the mallard duck and her offspring to the side of the freeway out of traffic, The Los Angeles Times reported.

“They were able to coerce them over to the side of the road,” Ryan Drabek, director of Orange County Animal Control, said.

The ducks were taken from the 55 Freeway in Orange, Calif., to a nearby pond behind a shopping center.

Drabek said the mother probably was looking for water.

22

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2010

July, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

23

Don’t Miss Out on All the Fun!

SUBSCRIBE!

Hard copy delivered to your mailbox • Online digital version also available

Advertise in the

20% OFF when you mention this ad!

Call 916-455-1217 or email info@humortimes.com for more information.

Don’t Be Selfish!

Share the Fun with Friends &Relatives!

S e e s u b s c r i p t i o n f o r m o n p a g e 3 ! • w w w .h u m o r t i m e s . c o m