Humor Times, August 2010

“Life is what happens while you're busy taking that life-planning seminar... for the third time.” – Mark Morford, SF Gate columnist Issue #224

August, 2010

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August, 2010

Editor’s Rant With the election season already heating up (along with the summer), conventional wisdom says the Republicans will make big gains in Congress, maybe even take over the House. After all, the economy is still in a shambles, and voters tend to vote against the one holding the White House when they’re pissed. And pissed they are.

Hell, I’m pissed. But the “new” Republican plan looks a lot like what got us into this terrible mess in the first place: more tax cuts for the rich, expand offshore gas and oil drilling – and forget fixing and strengthening those pesky regulations – we should “trust the market.” The market will punish BP, and cause oil companies to get better at safety! Yeah, right. That’s worked so well in the past. Hey, I’m an independent, but with that record, I can’t vote GOP. Oh, and by the way, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce – a right-wing political group representing large corporations – has proposed what it’s calling a “recovery plan.” It includes the above, and says we should also get out of the way of logging companies and just go ahead and level the national forests, privatize Social Security (just think how well that would have worked in the last stock market dive), and get this, we need to privatize highways and waterways!

What’s scary is that the combination of so many folks being so frustrated and so poorly informed may result in this lunacy becoming reality.

To react to the recession by privatizing everything and giving corporations carte blanche to do anything they want without regulation is just plain suicide to a democracy. We the people should be in charge, not fake corporate “persons.” They’d like to shrink government down to a size they can “drown in a bathtub,” as Grover Norquist so infamously put it.

The problem has been that the government has been functioning poorly, not that there is government. And it’s been functioning poorly precisely because we had people in power for eight years who wanted to “drown” it.

While they held the presidency and Congress, Republicans put industry people in as heads of the “watchdog” agencies. They just hopped right in bed with the companies they’re supposed to regulate – literally, in the case of the disgraced Mineral Management Agency, which was supposed to be enforcing good safety practices for the oil industry. Instead, they waived the rules and partied with company brass in the now infamous sex and drug parties.

No, the problem isn’t the government, it’s letting corporate power brokers take over the government. And this will only get worse, since the Supreme Court decided to let corporations (because they’re people too!) spend unlimited sums to influence elections.

Unless we elect a congress that will pass real election reform.

It’s not easy to turn around such a gargantuan mess, and although I disagree with much of what Obama has – and hasn’t – done, I recognize it’s like turning around a huge, slow moving ship – it takes time. And things would be improving a whole lot faster if the minority party in the Senate wasn’t filibustering everything!

If anything, voters should recognize that we need to elect fewer GOP (Grand Obstructionist Party) members, because of their irresponsible use of the filibuster. Maybe then we could get some desperately needed changes in place. (And/or, Congress needs to do away with the filibuster.) Just what kind of “democratic” institution is run by the minority, anyway? Oh yeah, our kind. *Sigh.* – James Israel, Publisher/editor

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August, 2010

Humor Times (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 19, Issue 224, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 4208 Norton Way, Sacramento, CA 95820. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lane, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Jim Siergey, Tab, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email.

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Stimu-less Congress says it’s working hard...

while homeowners continue to get rocked.

but the financial reform bill is soft on banks...

Repubs charge the bill misses the mark altogether...

and say the unemployed need to get off their butts.

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Dems tend to be a bit more empathetic.

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2010

Boris & Natasha ª NY Russian spies were caught...

living a typical suburban life.

Sent back to Russia, one of them remembered lessons learned in the good ol’ USA.

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August, 2010

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On the World Cup & the Vampire Nation World Cup Frenzyless Now let me get this straight. The World Cup is the most exciting sporting event on the face of the planet, right? Okay, then.

What’s second place; the New England Spinsters Knitting Circle Seniors Tour? Which would make Supermodels Filling In Crossword Puzzles With Leaky Ink Pens a close third. Let’s not forget those scintillating Midnight Coastal Colombian Tarantula Crawl-Offs.

My God. It’s so European. Like a Bergman Film. “Firdley passes it to Rodrigue who kicks it back to Firdley who returns it to Rodrigue, who stands still for a robust twenty seconds. Genius tactical move. They’ve really put the attack back on the full boil now. Rodrigue crosses it to Firdley near the net and he takes a shot and oh no… it bounces off the crossbar, and so, late in the second extra time, the score remains, nil, nil.”

You can’t tell who anybody is, because the only camera angle has the lens conveniently mounted on the inside rim of the Hubble Telescope. As an added attraction, every single game in South Africa has been accompanied by a hundred thousand vuvuzelas, an instrument that gives cacophony a bad name.

It’s a mouthpiece leading to a long flaring plastic tube with a repertoire of a single blaring droning note. From beginning to end of every single match through extra time, half time and every time. To participants it must sound like playing inside a hornet’s nest that’s been microwaved on defrost for twenty minutes. Rumor has it the CIA is looking into possible uses for interrogations.

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FIFA, the world governing body of soccer, refused to ban the vuvuzela saying it would deprive the world of the authentic South African footballing experience. Yeah. What a loss that would have been, especially considering the tradition of the vuvulzela being the unofficial football horn-like instrument of South Africa harkens all the way back to the early 21st Century in 2002.

To say the officiating was a bit erratic is like inferring BP’s cleanup of the Gulf has been less than exhaustive. Referees missed goals and calls like jury summonses, handing out their precious colorful cards to players whose only infraction was proximity to an opposing player who fell down for no apparent reason. Not just fell down, but dove to the ground holding their face writhing in agony like they were struck in the forehead by a heated metal coil festooned with jutting spikes. Holding their face? The hell is that? These guys would last fifteen seconds in the NFL. Tops.

Grown men egregiously flopping is just one reason the sport will never catch on in the USA, no matter how many soccer moms drive minivans. Americans can’t get it up for any sport that doesn’t involve eighth of a ton, no-neck, brain-dead, pieces of premium beef, tearing each other apart like the last sack of powdered milk at a United Nations relief tent in Kandahar. And in soccer, that’s the fans’ job.

Part of it has to do with the lack of commercials. We don’t have the attention span. The same reason why a Royal Family wouldn’t work here. Of course, next year is the Womens’ World Cup

HUMOR TIMES

WILL DURST

which men WILL tune in to just on the off chance that some competitor will pull a Brandi Chastain and rip off her shirt. Next time around the guys might want to try that. Or more head butting.

Vampire Nation Taking a breather from our Gulf Coast miasma in order to focus on an even ghastlier blight of cultural crude washing up on American shores. No, this is not about Lady Gaga. Although, I do intend to address walking parasites. Demon fiends. Bloodsucking vermin. The Ushers at the Gates of Hell themselves of which we are experiencing a veritable glut and I’m here to say that my soul is so weary of vampires. Bleh.

Used to be vampires were stylish and dangerous and romantic partly due to their rarity. These days, Children of the Night sightings are as frequent as Law & Order reruns. More ubiquitous than Subway sandwich shops. And about as horrifying. Movies and television and magazines and commercials and straight to video DVDs and books and comic books and kids books and even Muppets. Only a matter of time before Fisher-Price comes out with a line of vampire mobiles to hang over cribs.

Bayou vampires and New York City vampires and Elvis Presley tribute artists and tiny vampires with thyroid imbalances wearing herringbone fezzes. Vampires fighting werewolves.

Vampires befriending werewolves. Vampire cops and vampire legal department research assistants and vampire DPW dispatchers and vampire insurance adjusters. Admittedly, the latter smacks of redundancy.

Because of the proliferation of the walking undead to mainstream pervasiveness, these suburban mall vamps are consequently forced to raise the fantasy stakes to where the entire genre is tumbling into ridiculousness. Most frustrating is nobody plays by the rules anymore. Time-tested conventions are being discarded like blood ampoules at a neck biters winter solstice mortuary retreat.

Garlic is no big deal unless it is. They can run extremely fast.

Except when they can’t. Super human strength is at their command – sometimes. Silver, mirrors, daylight, holy water and wooden stakes: Take em or leave them. That’s the problem with kids today. No respect for their elders. If it was good enough for Bram Stoker, it should be good enough for these libidinous meat puppets.

You don’t have to be Freud to get the repressed sexual desires theme. But wasn’t it was a lot more interesting when society was repressed and not flaunted by young starlets emerging from limos sans underwear? And what is it with the brooding? You’re a thousand years old. How much time to do you need to adjust to the agony of immortality? Stop it with the teenage angst already.

And yes, yes, yesssssss. To be young is to identify with the alienation and the dressing all in black and the being pale and stuff. But the only thing less sexy than an ancient man caressing the carotid of a pubescent girl with his swollen incisors may be the prospect of she and he swapping denture cream. You think Anna Nicole Smith was creepy, multiply her husband’s age by eight or ten and try imagining that. Not enough Ambien in Patrick Kennedy’s medicine cabinet to quell those nightmares. Makes Harold and Maude seem the stuff of fairy tails. Tales. That’s Tinkerbelle in Vegas.

And this anguishing over the weight of the eternal hunger is getting a bit old. You’ve had multiple centuries to come up with an efficient way to feed. You’re not tormented, you’re incompetent. You know, if Hollywood is really interested in a new way to make big bucks frightening America, they should greenlight a series of movies about the inner workings of Congress. Now, those soulless zombies are scary.

August, 2010

Sticking It to the Man Gen. McChrystal got to realize many a guy’s boyhood dream...

with his own words backfiring on him.

Obama did what he had to do...

which surprised some people...

August, 2010

but took a strange path to get there...

but very quickly, the General was outa there.

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Repubs GOP Chairman Michael Steele is ‘really fly’...

but tends to bite off more than he can chew.

Meanwhile, far-right loonies continued their adorable antics...

while Republicans in Congress tried hard to outdo them.

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August, 2010

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Meanwhile, Dems are losing financial support from banks that don’t like their uppity attitude on reform.

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August, 2010

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What They’re Saying Quotes on Issues of the Day Two years and counting into the most severe financial collapse in nearly a century, bankers still rule. Republicans protect bankers from reform, yet amazingly masquerade as the party of populist backlash. If Democrats let the right play this double game, shame on them. It’s only possible because too many Democrats are too cozy with the same bankers.

– Robert Kuttner, HuffingtonPost.com, 7/11/10 Wall Street’s banditry was the proximate cause of the Great Recession, not its underlying cause. Even if the Street is better controlled in the future (and I have my doubts), the structural reason for the Great Recession still haunts America. That reason is America’s surging inequality.

Consider: in 1928 the richest 1 percent of Americans received 23.9 percent of the nation’s total income. After that, the share going to the richest 1 percent steadily declined. New Deal reforms, followed by World War II, the GI Bill and the Great Society expanded the circle of prosperity. By the late 1970s the top 1 percent raked in only 8 to 9 percent of America’s total annual income. But after that, inequality began to widen again, and income reconcentrated at the top. By 2007 the richest 1 percent were back to where they were in 1928—with 23.5 percent of the total...

None of us can thrive in a nation divided between a small number of people receiving an ever larger share of the nation’s income and wealth, and ev eryone else receiving a declining share.

– Robert Reich, The Nation, 6/30/10

The Hightower Lowdown Enter, Real Populists Few people today call themselves populists, but I think most are. I’m not talking about the recent political outbursts by confused, used and abused tea-bag ranters who’ve been organized by corporate front groups to spread a hatred of government.

Rather, I mean the millions of ordinary Americans in every state who’re battling the real power that’s running roughshod over us: out-of-control corporations. With their oceans of money and their hired armies of lobbyists and lawyers, these self-serving, autocratic entities operate from faraway executives suites and Washington backrooms to rig the economic and governmental rules so that they can capture an ever-bigger share of America’s money and power.

You can yell yourself red-faced at Congress critters you don’t like and demand a government so small that it’d fit in the backroom of Billy Bob’s Bait Shop and Sushi Stand, but you won’t be touching the corporate and financial powers behind the throne. In fact, weak government is the political wet dream of corporate chieftains, which is why they’re so ecstatic to have the tea party out front for them. But the real issue isn’t small government, it’s good government. (Can I get an amen from Gulf Coast fishing families on that!?)

It’s necessary to restate the solid principles of populism and reassert its true spirit, because both are now being severely perverted by corporate manipulators and a careless media establishment. To these debasers of the language, any

politicos or pundits who tap into any level of popular anger (toward Barack Obama, liberals, the IRS, poor people, unions, gays, immigrants, Hollywood, community organizers, environmentalists et al.) get a peel-off “populist” label slapped onto their lapels – even when their populist pose is funded by and operates as a front for one or another corporate interest. That’s not populism, it’s rank hucksterism – disguising plutocrats as champions of the people.

Now is the time for progressives to reassert their populist beliefs and bona fides, for we’re living in a teachable moment in which it’s possible to reach most Americans with an aggressive and positive approach to achieving a higher level of economic and political democracy.

There is a spreading and deepening recognition within today’s broad middle class that they’ve been abandoned to a plutocracy that feels free to knock them down and leave them there. The distain that the power elites have for the rest of us is glaringly and gallingly apparent.

– Wall Street billionaires crash our economy but are bailed out at our expense to continue their banksterism against us.

– We’re told to accept a “jobless recovery” and to sit still for a “new normal” of perpetually low wages, continuing losses of American jobs, and steady erosion of union and consumer power.

– We’re presented with two flagrant examples of murderous corporate greed –first, at Massey Energy’s deadly coal mine, then at BP’s deadly offshore oil well – yet no corporate executive has even been arrested.

JIM HIGHTOWER Do the Powers That Be (whether liberal or conservative) really imagine that the great majority of Americans don’t see or don’t care about this rank classism, this in-your-face stiffing of the middle class?

This is where populists come in. You wouldn’t know it from the corporate media, but in just about every town or city in our land you can find some groups or coalitions that, instead of merely shouting at politicians, have come together to find their way around, over or through the blockages that big money has put in the way of their democratic aspirations. In the process of organizing, strategizing, and mobilizing, these groups are building relationships and community, cre at ing some thing positive from a negative.

With the rebellious spirit and sense of hope that have defined America from the start, these populists are directly challenging the plutocratic order that reigns over us. This populism is unabashedly a class movement – one that seeks not merely to break the iron grip that centralized corporate power has on our country, but also to build cooperative democratic structures so that ordinary people, not moneyed interests, define and con trol our coun try’s eco nomic and political possibilities.

The simple truth, that single-payer nonprofit health care for all Americans would dramatically reduce costs and save lives, that the for-profit health care system is the problem and must be destroyed, is censored out of the public debate by a media that relies on these corporations as major advertisers and sponsors, as well as a morally bankrupt Democratic Party that is as b o u g h t o ff b y c o r p o r a t i o n s a s t h e Republicans.

– Chris Hedges, Truthdig, 7/12/10 Passing universal, single-payer nonprofit health care for all Americans might have delivered to Obama, who may well be a one-term president, at least one worthwhile achievement. Single-payer nonprofit health care has widespread popular support, with nearly two-thirds of the public behind it. It is backed by 59 percent of doctors.

And it would have helped roll back, at least a bit, the corporate assault on the citizenry.

Medical bills lead to 62 percent of personal bankruptcies, and nearly 80 percent of these people had insurance. The U.S. spends twice as much as other industrialized nations on health care, $8,160 per capita. Private insurance bureaucracy and paperwork consume 31 percent of every health care dollar. Streamlining payment through a single nonprofit payer would save more than $400 billion per year – enough, PNHP estimates, to provide comprehensive... coverage for all Americans...

Insurance companies, which will soon be able to use billions in taxpayer dollars to bolster their lobbying efforts and campaign contributions, know that single-payer nonprofit insurance means their extinction. And they will employ considerable resources to make sure single-payer nonprofit coverage is denied to the public. They correctly see this as a battle for their lives. And if human beings have to die so they can survive, they are willing to make us pay this price.

– Single-payer activist Dr. Margaret Flowers, 7/14/10

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August, 2010

Trouble on the Border As the controversy over Arizona’s new law raged on...

to stop illegals.

People are losing their heads over this issue...

and some try to vilify those unlike themselves...

August, 2010

the Feds stepped up their efforts...

demanding that the invaders leave.

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“We Report, You Decry!”

Hawking: Aliens ‘No Longer Interested’ in Invading Earth Planet already ‘pre-destroyed,’ scientist says LONDON – Reversing his recent position on the dangers of an extraterrestrial invasion, eminent theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking said today that the planet is in no such peril anymore because aliens are “no longer interested” in invading Earth. “ A s s u mi ng th at aliens have been mon itor ing Earth for the past m o n th in prep a ra tion for an in vasion, they’ve Stephen Hawking. probably figured out it’s no longer worth the trip,” Dr. Hawking said.

Speaking at a conference of the International Society of Eminent Theoretical Physicists, Dr. Hawking added, “Most extraterrestrials would want to come to Earth to destroy it, and let’s face it, this planet has been pretty much pre-destroyed.”

Even if aliens planned to travel to Earth to warn humans against destroy ing their own planet, Dr. Hawking said, “If they showed up now and took a look around they’d be like, ‘Oops, too late.’”

The physicist said that the rocket fuel aliens would have to expend to launch an Earth invasion was significant, “and you don’t spend that kind of money to invade a shithole.”

In recognition of his role in deterring an alien invasion, Queen Elizabeth II of England today knighted Tony Hayward, the CEO of oil giant BP. In remarks to reporters after the knighting ceremony at Buckingham Palace, Sir Tony said he would be working tirelessly this week to study the impact of the Gulf oil spill on the beaches of the South of France.

Andy Borowitz, Universal Press Syndicate

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Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Banks to Join With Wall Street to Purchase New Government Old one causing ‘buyer’s remorse,’ say CEOs Humor Times Special Report NEW YORK – CEO’s from the nation’s top banks and Wall Street financial firms confirmed rumors today that they plan to purchase a “brand new government” to replace the old one.

“We recognize that things just get old and break down after a while,” said Goldman Sachs CEO Gerald Corrigan, “and rather than continue to poor hundreds of millions into a bad product, we’re business savvy enough to know that we need to roll out a brand new model.”

The plan is to design a “low maintenance brand” that will streamline the process of creating laws that are “good for business and for persons – corporate persons, that is,” according to the new “Contract on America” the group has published, the title a play on the old 1994 Republican “Contract with America” promoted by Newt Gingrich.

“We know Americans are impatient with this Congress and this president,” Corrigan said, “and for good reason. The Democrat party can’t do

any thing, even with their big majority, always complaining about filibusters and such.” With the “shiny new, and very small” gov ern ment, he Corrigan describes how much he said, there won’t cares about “the little people.” be any need for “time-wasting congressmen” – CEO’s will just draft laws themselves and implement them, thereby “cutting out the middlemen.”

“We’ve been running former CEOs for all the top posts, like governors, etc,” he said, “but it’s a messy process that is taking too long. We need action now. Americans trust business, and they’ll be happy with the new arrangement – I guarantee it.

We can back that up, enforcement-wise, with our new security teams, like Xe [Blackwater], which will replace the army and police."

Obama to Make Mel Gibson Gov’t Intermediary to BP ‘Tell ’em what we really think of their fake top hats, Mel!’ prez orders A Humor Times exclusive body’s business, but I’m gonna overWASHINGTON – Saying that no look that,” the president explained. one else can tell off a lying cheater “After all, this is dirty business. We like Mel Gibson can, the president need someone who’s not afraid to today announced he is making Mel look and sound like a sociopath. We Gibson his administration’s intermeneed someone to scare the crap out of diary to BP. BP.” “Since the first bar rel of oil Asked if that wasn’t the presistarted spewing out of that hell hole dent’s job, Obama said he was simin the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico,” ply not suited for the task. “Everyone a visibly angry President Obama belknows I’m just too goddamned even lowed, “BP has done nothing but lie Gibson: “I’m willing to try, tempered,” he said. but them are some to us, just like Mel Gibson’s girlObama said they’ve got a plan B friend. We’ve all heard how he put crazy-ass English blokes.” ready. “If a Gibson tirade doesn’t her in her place, now I’ve asked him to do the work, I’ll tell BP Mel will make a movie where he same with BP.” stars as BP’s Tony Hayward. That ought to do it.

“Sure, he slings racial epithets around like no- Their company’s image would never recover.”

Millions Watch Rich Guy Get New Job Wealthy man’s giant payday draws huge audience GREENWICH, CT – Millions of Americans hud dled around their TVs July 8th, transfixed by the spectacle of an incred i bly wealthy man getting a new job.

Lebron James.

In living rooms, bars, and restaurants across the country, a record audience gathered to watch the rich guy announce who would be signing his massive new paychecks.

In New York’s Times Square, Tracy Klugian,

27, was one of thousands who braved the blistering temperature to watch the multimillionaire reveal the location of his new employer.

“I wouldn’t have missed this for anything,” Mr. Klugian said. “For anyone who’s a fan of the rich getting richer, this was must-see TV.” Based on the record ratings for its special featuring the rich guy, ESPN announced that instead of airing NBA games it would schedule two-hour specials showing the rich guy cashing his ginormous paychecks.

Andy Borowitz, Universal Press Syndicate

U.S. Senatorial Candidate Sharron Angle to Debate Herself LAS VEGAS – In a surprising twist to this year’s senatorial race in Nevada, Sharron Angle has reached an agreement to appear in a series of candidate forums and debates, conducted pursuant to specific guidelines that will be acceptable to both Angle’s campaign consultants and the National Republican Senatorial Committee.

The events will feature only Sharron Angle.

Angle will stand behind one podium with a liberal leaning consultant and be asked a multiple choice question that requires the defense of the liberal position, which her consultant will help her answer. Angle will then switch over to the

14

other podium and be asked to provide the conservative explanation with the assistance of the conservative consultant.

“These are terms that we see as acceptable,” said Stacy, Angle’s campaign manager. “There is no need for Senator Harry Reid to participate in any of these stage-managed events.”

The questions have been created and the campaign is busy working on the responses. For example, Angle will be asked to explain how the BP “slush fund” is bad. She will then switch roles and explain why Senator Harry Reid and President Obama are both right.

An gle will give the pro-life-with-no-ex ceptions argument (her earlier position), then she’ll give the pro-life-with-exceptions argument. Angle Sharron Angle. will ex plain why she wants to abolish the entire federal government and then explain why she doesn’t want to abolish the entire government. She will be asked to give the pros and cons of every issue that she has flip-flopped on which is virtually every issue.

Dominus Noster, UnconfirmedSources.com

HUMOR TIMES

Area Couple Admits Love for Son Peaked in ’08 MASON, OH – Rhonda and Simon Potter have finally admitted that their love for their twelve year old son David reached its peak two years ago. The couple also expects future love for their son to steadily diminish.

“Ten years of unconditional l o v e i s p re t t y good,” said Simon. “I’m sure s o me p a r e n t s Family in happier times. give up a lot earlier. I could tell by age ten the little guy didn’t have a lot of natual athletic ability.

That’s dissapointing for a father. I felt very let down.”

Rhonda explained that age ten was the height of her love for David. “He still had a cute little baby face. But every day since then his face has matured awkwardly making his appearance less cute and much less loveable. Now the acne is starting and that’s hard to look at.”

David was surprised by the news, but is keeping a brave face. “Maybe Dad will start loving me more again if I can better at sports when I get to high school. Or, maybe they’ll get divorced and both have to shower me with love to fill up the emptiness within themselves. I’m trying to be optimistic about it.”

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

Actual Vampires Outraged by Portrayal as Lame Teens TRANSYLVANIA – As the popularity of the Twilight series of books and movies continues to rise, so too does the anger of the vampire population. Vampires are seemingly united in their disgust with the portrayal as lame brood ing teenagers.

“In my 695 years, I’ve never been more embarrassed to be a vampire,” said Vam pire Co alition Pres i dent Vladimir Tolstic.

“I thought things were get ting bad when Tom Cruise played one of us, but he was a longshoreman compared to these punk kids.”

The VCP has lobbied for a boycott of the Twilight movies, and has threatened to picket screenings. They have also considered limiting new membership to men who will sign a pledge against whining or looking forlorn.

“It is important for people to realize that vampires are frightening, deadly, and lest we forget, manly,” Tolstic went on to say. “Even my wife has bought into it, asking ‘why can’t you be more like Edward.’ This isn’t the good old days when we were portrayed like real men like Bella Lugosi and Grandpa Al Lewis.”

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

August, 2010

No Exit

Sports News

Obama’s begun to see how continuous tours of duty feel...

The World Cup renewed fan interest...

and LeBron moved on...

but there are just too many reasons to stay.

Meanwhile, new strategies for capturing bin Laden are planned. as did Yankees owner George Steinbrenner.

August, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

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Gulf of Oilco BP continued with different clean-up strategies...

saying it’s irresponsible to demand responsibility.

saying it was anti-business...

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while Repubs apologized profusely...

A judge with oil ties struck down Obama’s moratorium...

but BP is losing even some staunch supporters. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2010

Meanwhile, things look grim...

and could even get worse.

All resources are being brought to bear...

but many say even the new cap isn’t enough.

There’s only one real solution, they insist...

August, 2010

but it will take a strong will to break the cycle.

HUMOR TIMES

17

Supreme Egos As the Kagan confirmation hearings dragged on...

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Republican senators reminded her of her solemn duty...

but she didn’t have a lot to say.

Meanwhile, the Roberts court is an active one...

taking no prisoners...

alive.

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2010

Argus Sez The World Cup ended in a fireworks show in South Africa. The whole idea of the event is to promote goodwill and human brotherhood. Mel Gibson kept his TV unplugged for the entire tournament, which really helped the clarity of the audiotapes.

ARGUS HAMILTON wins. It’s question number three on the Gamblers Anonymous self-test.

Mel Gibson was taped using racist language when he berated his wife for wearing a sexy dress in public. He’s made anti-Semitic rants and he’s beaten Jesus to a bloody pulp. Saudi Arabia just announced they’re going to name a law school after him.

The White House declared a new ban on gulf drilling after filing a suit against Arizona’s new immigration law. Democrats don’t want to do anything to stop the flow of immigrants and Republicans don’t want to do anything to stop the flow of oil. Anyone who disagrees with either side is accused by the other of being a spigot.

The William Morris Agency dropped Mel Gibson after he was caught on audiotape using racist language and screaming at his wife about her breast implants. The town is outraged. You cannot criticize fake breasts and expect to work in Los Angeles.

The Census Bureau said hundreds of census workers have been attacked by people who didn’t want to be counted. It’s simple to get an accurate tally. You just count the number of pit bulls and divide by three, and that’s how many meth labs you report.

A Swiss judge freed Roman Polanski, letting him avoid facing the statutory rape charges in L.A. that he fled from thirty years ago. It was a sick era. Seducing teenage girls with drugs was so casual in the Seventies that it was a weekly segment on the American Sportsman.

Oakland suffered burning and looting after an L.A. jury reduced a cop’s murder charge. Anarchists arrived from Berkeley and smashed store windows while the locals did all the looting. When races work together, that’s when they get things done.

The White House stated the administration is going to focus on lowering unemployment. We know what this means. The next time there’s a job opening in the private sector, President Obama’s going to announce it in an hour-long special on ESPN.

U.S. Marine units were reported to have been trained by the LAPD to learn how to handle the Taliban as if they were a street gang. It hasn’t worked out very well. Now everywhere the Marines go in Afghanistan they think the doughnuts are free.

LeBron James revealed in a televised event on ESPN that he had chosen to play in Miami over New York or Chicago. This isn’t over.

Rush Limbaugh could be banned from all NBA locker rooms for providing players with performance-enhancing tax advice.

Bill Clinton officiated at the wedding of Hillary Clinton’s aide to a New York congressmen.

Al Gore is getting divorced, John Edwards is getting divorced and Bill Clinton is officiating at wedding ceremonies. Nobody knew that the bridge to the twenty-first century would drop us off in the middle of a Twilight Zone episode.

Attorney General Eric Holder threatened to file a civil rights suit against Arizona if his first lawsuit doesn’t successfully block the new immigration law. He vowed to keep suing until he

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HUMOR TIMES

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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HUMOR TIMES

August, 2010

More Mischief

August, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

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Kitten Survives China-Canada Shipping CALGARY, Alberta, July 9 – Workers at a Canadian import business said a cat was trapped in a container shipped from China for up to 45 days.

Amy Bindman, an interior designer in Calgary, Alberta, said the calico cat survived the journey from China, which she said takes an average 30 to 45 days, in a steel shipping container loaded with granite slabs and wood bracing, the Calgary Herald reported.

Bindman said the animal was “pretty distressed and very, very thin.”

She said the cat, named Mandarin in honor of its trip from China, was turned over to the Calgary Humane Society.

Humane Society’s Desiree Arsenault said she was unsure of how the animal managed to survive the journey without food or water. “There may have been mice or things running round the enclosure... I can only guess.”

Alabama Inmate Playing Role of Escapee Gets Lost CAPSHAW, AL – The Limestone Correction Facility in Alabama might want to start handing out GPS devices with its prison-issued jumpsuits. Officials said an inmate playing a fugitive during a dog training exercise vanished into the woods. Warden Dorothy Goode said 37-year-old inmate David Hopkins was helping out the canine unit by playing an escapee but never showed up for head count.

A “be on the lookout” warning went out and Hopkins was found within about an hour. Goode said he got lost and was not trying to escape. He’s serving a life sentence for theft.

Pet Bathrooms Open at D.C. Area Airports WASHINGTON – Now your pet can make a pit stop too before getting on the plane with you at two D.C. area airports.

Dulles and Reagan National Airports have opened “pet relief areas” to give dogs a place to go to the bathroom at the airport.

The pet areas were created because of federal rules requiring “service animal relief areas” for service animals that accompany passengers on trips, but the areas are also open for families traveling with pets.

Each fenced-in dog bathroom at Dulles has a fake fire hydrant, artificial grass, and bags so the owners can clean up after their pups. There are three outside and two inside. The indoor locations have ventilation and flushing systems to keep everything clean.

Woman Jailed for Making Threats... to Herself SANTA ANA – a 25-year-old Santa Ana woman was sentenced to a year in jail for sending hundreds of threatening text messages – to herself.

Jeanne Manunga blamed the harassing text messages on an ex-boyfriend and his sister-in-law, and reported them to the police.

They were arrested on false charges of making criminal threats and required to post thousands of dollars in bail. The sister-in-law was arrested three times. A jury convicted Manunga of three felony counts of false imprisonment by fraud or deceit and two misdemeanor counts of making a false police report in May. Superior Court Judge Patrick H. Donahue sentenced Manunga to a year in jail, placed her on three years probation, told her to stay away from her ex-boyfriend and his sister-in-law, and ordered her to repay the victims about $50,000 in restitution.

Deputy District Attorney Mena Guirguis said that after Manunga and her former boyfriend stopped dating in 2008, she took out a pre-paid cell phone in his sister-in-law’s name, and started sending the threatening text messages to her regular cell phone.

Her scheme was uncovered when the victims went to the phone store, talked with the salesman and learned that Manunga had bought the pre-paid phone under the sister-in-law’s name, Guirguis said.

Flights Diverted, Delayed as UFO Hovered An unidentified flying object (UFO) disrupted air traffic over Zhejiang’s provincial capital Hangzhou in July, the municipal government said.

Xiaoshan Airport was closed after the UFO was detected at around 9 pm, and some flights were rerouted. The airport has resumed operations, and more details will be released after an investigation, said a spokesman.

A source with knowledge of the matter, however, told China Daily that authorities had already learned what the UFO was after an investigation.

But it was not the proper time to publicly disclose the information because there was a military connection, he said, adding that an official explanation was expected to be given soon.

Penguin Stolen from Zoo, Found on Street DUBLIN, Ireland, July 8 – Police in Dublin said a penguin stolen from a city zoo was tracked using a microchip and recovered from a city street.

Investigators said the penguin was taken from the Dublin Zoo by a group of men at about 8 a.m. and was found on a city street a few hours later, The Irish Examiner reported. The penguin, a 10-year-old female Humboldt named Kelli, was unharmed by the ordeal, zoo officials said.

“Dublin Zoo is naturally relieved that the animal is safe and unharmed and back in the zoo,” zoo officials said in a statement. “However, we wish to underline our annoyance about this incident. The welfare and health of all animals is our primary concern and this kind of incident is not frivolous and is certainly not something amusing.” Police are investigating the theft.

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HUMOR TIMES

August, 2010

August, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

23

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