“From the fool’s gold mouthpiece the hollow horn / Plays wasted words, proves to warn / That he not busy being born is busy dying.” – Bob Dylan, It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)
Issue #225
September 2010
The News, the Fun Way!
Merely $
(About half th 3 ! a subscriptioat with n!) 00
Formerly the Comic Press News
®
Political Humor for Those Who Are Paying Attention, or Know Someone Who Is
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HUMOR TIMES
September, 2010
Editor’s Rant
Got a Sinking Feeling You Missed Out on Summer?
Why does the national discourse always get hijacked right before an election? There are so many incredibly important issues to be debated, and yet, we get so easily distracted by arguments that shouldn’t even be debatable – like does a certain religion have a right to build a community center somewhere near the site of the Twin Towers memorial? Uh, I think the constitution has already addressed that issue! Or, let’s all freak out about gay marriage one more time. I understand some folks’ reservations about it, but once again, covered – by that little thing we call our founding document. You see, it protects minority rights from majority abuse. “Certain, inalienable rights,” as the Declaration of Independence – another little document you may have heard of – puts it, are rights that aren’t up for a vote. Of course, we could fill all our media space with a back-and-forth on budget deficits – which is at least getting back to debatable issues – but this one, too, is a bit farcical, being that the folks bringing it up (Republicans) didn’t seem to give a damn about it when they were in charge, raising the deficit to record levels before Obama was ever elected. In fact, Dick Cheney, that heartless soul (now physically so, even), himself said, “deficits don’t matter.” Now, it seems to be all that matters to them. How convenient, it’s an issue that can easily be used to scare a public with chronically short-term memory. And as usual, Democrats are bowing to the pressure, with predictable results. Stimulating a moribund economy desperately in need of it now takes a back seat, as even helping the unemployed becomes a no-no. The time to cut spending and work on reducing the deficit is when the economy is going good, like Clinton did during his terms in office. His policies were good for the economy, and he actually managed to create a budget surplus for the first time in decades while president. The hypocritic Republicans wiped that out as soon as they got Bush in office, back when, you know, deficits didn’t matter. As Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman said, “One main reason there aren’t enough jobs right now is weak consumer demand. Helping the unemployed, by putting money in the pockets of people who badly need it, helps support consumer spending. That’s why the Congressional Budget Office rates aid to the unemployed as a highly cost-effective form of economic stimulus.” Meanwhile, corporate America and the banks are sitting on a couple trillion, with a “t”, dollars, and instead of spending it to spur growth, they are hoarding it. A cynical person might say they are starving the economy so that people will vote out those in power, and bring back the party that lets them do what they want, without oversight or regulation. Or would that just be a realistic person saying that? In any case, come election time, let’s remember who has been stalling, keeping America on its knees. Who’s been undermining progress with the filibuster, and who’s policies got us into this huge mess in the first place? Then, rather than voting (or not voting) out frustration, let’s see if we can give reform a real chance, by putting those in office that will represent the people, not their corporate donors. – James Israel, Publisher/editor
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September, 2010
Humor Times (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 19, Issue 225, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 4208 Norton Way, Sacramento, CA 95820. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95604. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lester, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2010. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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Mission Semi-Accomplished “Combat operations” have officially ended in Iraq...
leaving soldiers at a crossroads.
In Afghanistan, there’s no big hurry...
because the plan there is... working?
Meanwhile, Pakistan is unclear on the concept of “ally”...
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HUMOR TIMES
but we keep fighting for our national security.
September, 2010
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On Mosquerades & Robesters Mosquerade Party There is only one halfway decent reason why a Mosque should be built 2 blocks away from Ground Zero in New York. It’s called the 1st Amendment. Maybe you’ve heard of it: that’s the one that lets pretty much anybody say pretty much anything they want, and yes, that includes worshipping whatever goofy deity they choose. The Prince of Peace. The King of Pop. John Coltrane. LeBron James. Baba Ganoush. Mohammed. Thor. Twiggy. Cher. There’s also one very good reason why a Mosque shouldn’t be built 2 blocks away from Ground Zero. It’s a little thing called grace. A sense of common human decency. Not rubbing other peoples’ noses in your own solid waste. A concept one would think a religion might be able to grasp since their oft-described mission involves the encouragement and promulgation of those very callings, but then one would be wrong. As would be two. Political parties aren’t expected to play by these rules however. And even if they were, they wouldn’t. Especially during an election year. The Republicans, as is their way, have pounced on this issue like a starving feral cat onto an exhausted mouse whose tail got stuck under a table leg. Bad blood with faint overtures of Christian degradation. Talk about straight down your social agenda wheelhouse. Just two clicks shy of abortion and three rungs below gay marriage. The war on Christmas squared. Hoping to reverse poll numbers that have them racing Democrats to approval’s sub basement, the GOP turned a municipal zoning variance into a hot button issue and it doesn’t matter
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whether you’re run ning for con ditional co-coun cil man of Calaveras County, you will weigh in on this controversy. Once again, Obama and his ilk are being slapped with the “out of touch with average Americans” brush through their stubborn insistence on upholding the US Constitution. Amazing how we, the people, will fight to the death for the Constitution. Until we won’t. Love the theory. Hate the details. And I know, I know, you’re right. Of course you’re right. No, it is not fair that people who believe we are nothing but infidel dogs who would be better off dead than to honor a false god, get to come here and preach intolerance and are allowed to do it next to the place where some of their followers killed 3,000 innocents. It is as wrong as Cabernet Sauvignon in a can. But that’s the deal with Democracy. It’s not a Chinese menu. You don’t get to choose one freedom from column A and another from column B. Liberty is a buffet. With everything available to all. And the sneeze guard is free speech. Your desert? Look over there by the fruit of your own labors. Try an emancipation éclair. Besides, if 2 blocks is too close, how far away is far enough? A mile? An ocean? 2 continents? I’m thinking four and a half blocks. Because there already is a Mosque four blocks away from Ground Zero. Guess we tend to conserve our energy for fresh outrages rather than fussing over existing ones. Must be why they call them Conservatives. And, oh yeah, I finally figured out why we aren’t allowed to show representations of the Prophet Mohammed. Apparently, he
HUMOR TIMES
WILL DURST
was one strange looking dude. Sorry. Terribly, terribly sorry. Shouldn’t have said that, and wouldn’t have, if I had any grace. Or simple common human decency. But alack and alas, I don’t. Then again, I’m not an organized religion. Thank god. Flag Raising Robester Just when you thought we were settling in for another typical slow August news month, along comes Chief US District Justice Vaughan Walker to overturn California’s Proposition 8. The one that banned same sex marriages. Did you get that? He overturned the ban. Loosed the bonds. Broke the chains. Raised a rainbow flag. And reopened a can of worms the size of the Louisiana Purchase. According to this federal judge’s persuasive opinion, restricting freedoms is bad. Hence gay marriage is good. The 136 page judgment finds that discriminating because of religious convictions violates the 14th Amendment to the US Constitution. And no, this will not lead to legalized bestiality any more than eating Egg McMuffins leads to cannibalism. The message is, if you don’t believe people should marry someone of the same sex, then go right ahead and don’t marry someone of the same sex. That part hasn’t changed. No one will be dragged from their beds and forced to wear collared shirts or attend avant-garde theater productions in Tibetan restaurant stairwells or serve rumaki at backyard barbecues. However, if you don’t believe OTHER people should be able to marry someone of the same sex. Tough titty. Which is a big change. Sea change. See change. Be change. In this country, one group of people is not allowed to stand in the way of other people’s happiness simply because they don’t dig it. Or get it. Or groove on it. Personal beliefs have nothing to do with how your neighbors get to live their lives. This is not about values, it’s about rights. You don’t want the Taliban telling your wife she has to walk five paces behind you in public while dressed as a grieving beekeeper, now do you? And though Walker’s court is in San Francisco, this was not a flaming liberal ruling. The man was nominated by Ronald Reagan and appointed by George Herbert Walker Bush for crum’s sake. So, if same sex marriages ever do become law of the land, the opposite sex marriage crowd is going to have to give a lot of the credit to Reagan and Bush. And being able to say that leaves a silky smooth taste in the mouth not unreminiscent of bacon wrapped chicken livers. Of course this ain’t over by a long shot. The status quo is frothing like whipped cream covered rabid dogs running through a liquid soap factory whose fire sprinklers activated in their insistence that people continue to live like them, exactly like them and nobody else but them. So help them God. Five states and DC have licensed same-sex marriages AND numerous states have banned them. So the situation is a foggier than a lighthouse near the Golden Gate Bridge at dawn in July and headed straight into the wheelhouse of the Supreme Court. Is Perry v Schwarzenegger destined to be Dred Scott or Brown v Board of Education? Robes and minds are being laundered and starched as we speak. In America, we don’t judge a person based on their color or creed or sexual preferences: we judge them based on how little taxes they do or don’t pay. And no matter which way your head faces during sex, all of us have the same basic human right to be miserable. Besides, isn’t the whole idea to keep gays from having sex? What better way than marriage do you know? Your witness, Mr. Burger. Will Durst is a San Francisco based political comedian who often writes. This being an example of questionable merit.
September, 2010
Freedom of Religion, Almost Everywhere Palin spoke...
and her followers imagine the worst.
There is no reasoning with them...
because they know what’s right...
but would other religions pass similar tests?
September, 2010
Meanwhile, the prez was careful to offer support to all.
HUMOR TIMES
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All Better Now The Gulf seafood industry is on the rebound...
and all that oil seems to have vanished!
The region is serving up a lot of variety... and politicians say the oil industry is behaving itself.
Still, some executives may have guilty consciences. Meanwhile, other environmental issues are heating up.
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HUMOR TIMES
September, 2010
On the Border Self-righteousness is infectious...
and can seem liberating...
until you’re exposed for doing something wrong yourself.
Friends Don’t Let Friends Endure the News Without Great Political Satire… Give the HUMOR TIMES today! September, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
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What They’re Saying Quotes on Issues of the Day Over 62 million mortgages are now held in the name of MERS, an electronic recording system devised by and for the convenience of the mortgage industry. A California bankruptcy court, following landmark cases in other jurisdictions, recently held that this electronic shortcut breaks the chain of title, voiding foreclosure. The logical result could be 62 million homes that are foreclosure proof... Created by the real estate finance industry, MERS eliminates the need to prepare and re cord as sign ments when trading residential and commercial mortgage loans." Or as Karl Denninger [stock trader and author] puts it, “MERS own website claims that it exists for the purpose of circumventing assignments and documenting ownership!”... MERS now holds over 62 million mortgages in its name, including over half of all new US residential mortgage loans. But courts are increasingly ruling that MERS is merely a nominee, without standing to foreclose on the collateral that makes up a major portion of the portfolios of some very large banks. It seems the banks claiming to be the real parties in interest may have short circuited themselves out of the chain of title entitling them to the collateral... Other suits go beyond merely challenging title to alleging criminal activity. On July 26, 2010, a class action was filed in Florida... for racketeering and mail fraud. It alleges that the defendants used “the artifice of MERS to sabotage the judicial process to the detriment of borrowers”; that “to perpetuate the scheme, MERS was and is used in a way so that the average consumer, or even legal professional, can never determine who or what was or is ultimately receiving the benefits of any mortgage payments”; that the scheme depended on “the MERS artifice and the ability to generate any necessary ‘assignment’ which flowed from it”; and that “by engaging in a pattern of racketeering activity, specifically ‘mail or wire fraud,’ the Defendants ... participated in a criminal enterprise affecting interstate commerce.” Local governments deprived of filing fees may also be getting into the act, at least through representatives suing on their behalf... If courts overwhelmed with foreclosures decide to take up the cause, the result could be mil lions of strug gling homeowners with the banks off their backs and millions of homes no longer on the books of some too-big-to-fail banks. Without those assets, the banks could again be looking at bankruptcy... Nationalization of these giant banks might be the next logical step – a step that some commentators said should have been taken in the first place. When the banking system of Sweden collapsed following a housing bubble in the 1990s, nationalization of the banks worked out very well for that country. The Swedish banks were largely privatized again when they got back on their feet, but it might be a good idea to keep some banks as publicly-owned entities, on the model of the Commonwealth Bank of Australia. For most of the 20th century, it served as a “people’s bank,” making low interest loans to consumers and businesses... — Ellen Brown, truthout.org, 8/19/10
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The Hightower Lowdown Corporate America Speaking Out Congressional Republicans have spent the first two years of the Obama administration as the rock-solid party of “no,” “uh-uh,” “no way,” “fo r g et ab o ut i t,” “ noth ing do ing,” “we’re-against-it-and-we’ll-kill-it.” This is one reason their job approval rating is lower than that of BP executives. But now, GOP leaders in the House say they are shifting from pure negativity. Instead, they intend to step forward with their own bold policy ideas. Terrific! What are some of those ideas? “Uh ... um ... well,” say the leaders, “we don’t know yet, but that’s why we’ve launched an exciting new campaign that we call America Speaking Out. We’ll go directly to the grassroots people, asking for their ideas, giving them a voice and letting them shape ‘the new Republican agenda.’” Again, terrific! Where are you starting your grassroots campaign? “Uh ... um,” stumble the leaders, before mumbling: “Washington, D.C.” Indeed, only six weeks after America Speaking Out was introduced as “an unprecedented initiative to listen to the American people,” ASO did not rush out to hold open policy-crafting town hall forums in places like Fargo, Fresno and Freeport. Instead, they held a closed session in the snug confines of House minority leader John Boehner’s Capitol Hill office. And just who were the plain folks the GOP leader invited? His e-mailed solicitation went to 20 top lobbyists representing big corporations and such business front groups as the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and the National Asso-
ciation of Manufacturers. Apparently, this is the bunch Republican leaders consider to be their real “grassroots” constituency. Well, sniffed an ASO spokesman, it’s important to “receive input” from the nation’s largest employers. Bovine excrement! These corporate lobbyists give their input every day, usually with campaign donations attached. They’re the problem, not the solution, and ASO is just more of the same – listening to the money interests at the top rather than the workaday majority of Americans who are barely scraping by. Speaking of corporate campaign spending, the dam was dynamited back in January by the Supreme Court’s infamous decision in the Citizens United case, and the deluge is now upon us. By decreeing that corporations are now free to spend unlimited sums of cash from their vast treasuries to elect or defeat anyone they want, the court is allowing these narrow special interests to swamp America’s elections, displacing our democracy with their plutocracy. You might recall that the five-man judicial majority that pulled off this black-robed coup argued disingenuously that there was no evidence that corporate spending would even increase under the court’s ruling, much less flood the process. Nice theory, but – look out! – here comes the flood. In addition to unfathomable sums that corporations will pour directly into this fall’s congressio nal elec tions, they are also chan nel ing unparalleled amounts of cash into assorted front groups. For example, in 2008, a presidential
JIM HIGHTOWER year, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce put $36 million into elections, which was the most ever by a corporate organization. This year the chamber intends to more than double that, funneling $75 million into campaigns, with practically every penny going to corporat e-hugging Republicans. American Crossroads, a new corporate outlet run by former Bush operative Karl Rove, collected more than $8 million in June alone and expects to put $52 million into this year’s elections. Various laissez-faire, anti-government extremist groups will also add to the rising tsunami, including $45 million from Americans for Prosperity, $25 million from American Action Network, $24 million from The Club for Growth and $5 million from FreedomWorks. With such gross levels of spending, moneyed corporations intend to overpower America’s democratic process and purchase a government that’ll do their bidding. To stop them, We the People must repeal the Supreme Court’s malicious, anti-democratic ruling. To help, connect with a grassroots campaign pushing for a constitutional amendment that will overturn the Citizens Uni t ed de ci si on. Fi nd t hem at www.freespeechforpeople.org.
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September, 2010
Money Troubles The economic outlook continues to slide...
and just about everyone is worried.
Republicans say lazy bums are to blame...
and that they should be more like them...
and follow the GOP plan of action.
September, 2010
Meanwhile, US corporations stall for time.
HUMOR TIMES
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“We Report, You Decry!” God Interviewed on Fox News O’Reilly tells Him to shut up In a controversial incident on Fox News yesterday, Bill O’Reilly was interviewing God, asking how the Almighty could come to allow the Democrats to run both the Senate and White House. During God’s attempt to explain that he had to be fair to all sides, O’Reilly got peeved and constantly interrupted Him. M i dw a y through the show O’Reilly blew his stack and told G o d to God slaps O’Reilly upside the head. “Shut the hell up!” Jehovah was taken aback at this. 3,000 years ago he might have rained fire and brimstone down upon the commentator, but the Jesus thing 2,000 years ago has apparently mellowed him out. Jehovah kept his cool and said, “Now Bill, we don’t have to get so personal about all this.” O’Reilly shouted, “To hell I don’t! I get paid good Goddamned money to get personal!” “If you’re gonna take my name in vain, you’d better be smiling when you say it!” God retorted. With that, O’Reilly went bug-eyed and, unable to order God out, stormed off his own set. The Holy One, left alone with the microphone, began to do improvisational karaoke until senior Fox officials came around and pulled the plug. Security then escorted God to the door. Fox’s ratings that night went through the roof, especially during the karaoke part. Reported by Roger Freed
Palin Says ‘Refudiate’ in Fictionary Calls critics ‘incohecent’ WASILLA – For mer Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today defended her use of t he word “refudiate,” tell ing her crit ics, “Look it up in the fictionary.” While claiming that “refudiate” is a real word, she reserved her right to make up new words in the future. “Everyone makes up words – Shakespeare, George W. Bush, Levi Johnston,” she said. “The only person I know who doesn’t do it is my husband Todd, who doesn’t speak.” Gov. Palin also lashed out at critics of her English, calling them “incohecent.” In a related story, Gov. Palin would defeat President Obama if she ran in 2012, according to a poll published in Mayan Prophecy Weekly. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
New, Improved Dispersant Released for Gulf & Beyond Makers say new CorrectsIt® will “disperse all doubt” A Humor Times Exclusive The Nalco Company, makers of the dispersant Corexit® that was used by BP in the Gulf of Mexico to disperse oil, announced today a rollout of a “vastly improved” version of the chemical that will “disperse all doubt in anyone’s mind about its effectiveness,” said Nalco CEO Erik Fyrwald. According to the company, the new dispersant “almost magically disperses oil from the environment,” and it can even be applied over cities and towns to disperse doubts. “This new formula will wipe away anxiety in a way similar to mood-al ter ing rem e dies like Prozac or Zoloft, except it doesn’t need a prescription,” said an excited Sam Freebuzz, a spokesman for Nalco. “The FDA approved its widespread use, right after we sprayed a little on them.”
Skeptics were very vocal about its quick approval by the FDA, saying the chemical should go through normal chan nels like any other. Uni ver sity of Georgia sci en tist Richard Camilli, at a press conference on campus today, said the dispe r s a nt “ doe s not m a g i c a ll y disappear the oil, it hides it, just like Corexit.” He went on, as Nalco representatives entered the room through a back door, saying, “It is simply preposterous that this new formula could be so quickly approved for spraying over large populations... that’s just... wow, the air is SO fresh in here... uh, what was I saying? Everything is fine, no worries!” The Nalco employees were then reportedly seen leaving and tucking small spray bottles in their jackets.
Back at Nalco headquarters, Fyrwald said, “Being that everything is go ing dig i tal these days, we are also introducing an online companion to CorrectsIt, which we call CorrectsIt 1.0.” According to Fyrwald, the software will crawl the internet and “correct” any “misinterpretations” of the new chemical “to avoid confusion in the minds of Americans.” It can also be applied to voting machine software, he noted, “to correct any poor decisions that may cause misinformed citizens to inadvertently elect the wrong candidates — misguided do-gooders who might impede progress on these important issues.”
List of Prohibited Entities Grows Around Ground Zero Fronts for Mexican invasion, British takeover must be thwarted, says group Special to the Humor Times Abdul Rauf has been planning for 25 years, in the The “Ground Zero Mosque” con tro versy mosque they’ve already had there all this time, around the site of the Twin Towers memorial in since before the Towers were even built. Just New York seems to have sparked a national think how far along they are with their soul-searching, as people debate hate-America takeover plans!” just what is appropriate around But Palin didn’t stop there. She the “hallowed ground,” as many has founded a group called “The refer to it, and what is not. Griz zly Moms’ Keep Hal lowed Since protests have grown Ground Pure Lip stick-Wear ing against the “mosque” (not actuWatchdogs” and claims that there ally a mosque, but a proposed are many enemies of freedom lurkMuslim-run community center ing near the site. Enemies that are open to the public, and not actulooking to get a foothold there beally at “ground zero,” but sevcause, “Once they take root in that eral blocks away), others have hallowed ground, they will take root raised the specter of new threats. in the very soul of America and in Indeed, some have called for a her fragile, pure psyche — and that, special zoning committee to be my friends, will be the starting of Taqueria makes list. formed to decide what exactly, the beginning of the end.” can be built where. Palin’s new group has released a report, listing “It is clear we can’t just let anyone build any- businesses, centers, schools and places of worthing on such hallowed ground,” said half-term ship planned or existing within a six-block radius governor and Tea Party darling Sarah Palin. of the site, which they deem suspicious and dan“And we all know what evil their leader Feisal gerous.
All U.S. Workplaces to be Fitted with Inflatable Slides Could reduce job stress, labor department says WASHINGTON – Effective immediately, all workplaces in the United States will be fitted with inflatable slides to enable disgruntled employees to quit as dramatically as possible. According to a new study commissioned by the U.S. Department of Labor, workers are less likely to suffer from stress and “go off” at the workplace if they know that leaving their job is just one inflatable slide away. Starting on Monday, inflatable slides will be
installed in such diverse workplaces as H ome D e pot, Starbucks, and the White House, said La bor Sec re tary Inflatable slides catching on. Hilda Solis. “If post offices had inflatable slides, think of the lives we could have saved,” she said. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
STUDY: 91% of Blogger Avatars Too Flattering NEW YORK, NY In the most comprehensive study of its kind, an independent re search panel has concluded that 91% of Avatars too flattering? bloggers use avatars that are far more attractive than themselves. “We thought the numbers might reach a solid majority, but we were shocked to learn it was 91%,” said study chair Jeremy Neighbors. “The other nine percent is made up of really good looking people, really honest people and people who
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already resemble cartoon characters.” Members of the blogging world have not said much about the study, confining their latest blogs to subjects like health care reform, their favorite new spots for cupcakes and pictures of their kittens. Michelle Sullivan of “Michelle’s Many Musings” did not comment directly about the study in her blog, but removed the usual tall and slender yet busty avatar usually found on her home page and replaced it with a picture of a kitten licking a cupcake. “I always had a feeling Trish didn’t look like that,” said Chip Tamellin, a daily reader of the
“Trish’s Sweet Dishes” food blog, which features an avatar named ‘Trish the Dish’ who resembles Halle Berry. “I saw her in person and I thought it was Bea Arthur. What a huge disappointment. This makes me suspicious of things I see on the internet.” In contrast, the publicity team for actress Megan Fox can not find an av a tar that is good-looking enough for her. “We’re afraid today’s technology makes developing an avatar as attractive as Megan very challenging,” said Fox’s publicist Jen Sweeney. Reported by DerfMagazine.com
HUMOR TIMES
The list, entitled “Organizations With Possibly Evil Intent On Ground Zero That Must Be Stopped,” includes: - Taqueria Cancun, because it is “a front in a planned Mexican invasion.” As the report says, “They chose New York because the nation is focused on Arizona right now.” - The Bitter End, a British pub, because “they’re obviously Bitter, and they plan the End of America, making it a British colony again.” - And a YMCA, be cause “ev ery one knows they’re totally gay, and they want to turn New York totally gay.”
Apple Offers Free Corrective Hand Surgery to Owners of iPhones with Antenna Problems CUPERTINO, CA – After Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced the company has developed a surgical procedure that removes the part of the hand that interferes with the iPhone antenna. The hands of iPhone own ers who receive the surgery will have a permanent hole dubbed by industry followers as the “Hantenna.” During the press conference, Jobs re ceived ro bust ap plause as he displayed the hole in his left hand and demonstrated perfect phone reception. Jobs commented, “The human body is not perfect. We’re pleased the iPhone led to the discovery of this flaw in the hand. We’re especially thrilled to provide this biomechanical correction to the human hand.” Thousands of iPhone owners have already signed up for the surgery which will be performed in Apple stores throughout the country by trained Apple technicians. iPhone owners can also self-perform the surgery at home using detailed guidance provided in the technical support section on Apple.com. Reported by DerfMagazine.com
September, 2010
Equality for Some
Refudiating the Dictionary Tea Partiers study Beckism and Palinism religiously...
Hypocrisy is highlighted...
by an issue that won’t go away... and have unshakeable beliefs that are quite malleable...
but to survive, they must lose the craziest among them. but more and more are finding a way to cope.
September, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
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Super-Minority Party Republicans have a plan...
and they’ve got support.
They’ve re-discovered fiscal restraint...
and are exercising party discipline...
but their “compassionate conservatism” has its limits.
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Meanwhile, the former VP keeps on truckin’.
HUMOR TIMES
September, 2010
Soon-to-Be-Minority Party Dems are breaking ground on their election efforts...
Still, party leaders vow to rise above.
but certain people are not helping.
Meanwhile, the prez is trying to whip up enthusiasm...
but there’s a wide gap...
September, 2010
between anticipation and reality.
HUMOR TIMES
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Grisly find in search for Japanese centenarians TOKYO – A nationwide search for missing centenarians in Japan has led to another grisly discovery – the remains of a Tokyo woman who was believed to be 104, stuffed into her son’s backpack for nearly a decade. The police find at their apartment came weeks after the discovery of the more than 30-year-old mummified corpse of a man who had been thought to be celebrating his 111th birthday sparked concern about the very old in Japan. Officials have fanned out nationwide since then to check on the whereabouts of citizens registered to be over 100, amid concern that some relatives have failed to report their deaths in order to draw their pension payouts. In the latest find, made by police Thursday in an apartment in Tokyo’s Ota ward, the dead woman’s 64-year-old son told officials that his mother had died nine years ago, but that he hadn’t been able to afford a funeral for her. “I laid out her body for a while, washed it in the bath, then broke up the bones and put them into a backpack.”
Human trafficker jailed for trying to sell albino man DAR ES SALAAM – A Kenyan man has been sentenced to nine years in prison for trying to sell an albino man to witchdoctors in Tanzania, local media reported. A magistrate’s court in northwest Tanzania sentenced 28-year old Nathan Mutei, after he pleaded guilty to charges of human trafficking and abduction with intention to sell an albino man, also Kenyan, for 400 million Tanzanian shillings ($263,000). At least 53 albinos have been killed since 2007 in the east African nation and their body parts sold for use in witchcraft, especially in the remote northwest regions of Mwanza and Shinyanga, both gold-mining regions where superstition is rife. The victims’ blood and body parts are used for potions. Witchdoctors tell their clients that the body parts will bring them luck in love, life and business.
Man found living in library basement NEPTUNE, NJ – Police in New Jersey said a homeless man found in a library basement told officers he lived there unnoticed for about two weeks. Charles Jones Jr., 26, of Neptune, was found in the basement of the Ocean Township Library when a custodian spotted him in a window after the library was closed, the Asbury Park (N.J.) Press reported. Detective Lt. Steven Peters said Jones told officers he had been living in the library basement for nearly two weeks. Peters said Jones had taken several books into the basement and had been eating food from the employee break room. Jones, who was released pending a hearing, was charged with burglary and theft.
Dating site caters to the ‘ugly’ LONDON – The creator of TheUglyBugBall.co.uk said the British dating site is the world’s first to cater exclusively to people who “weren’t blessed with great looks.” Howard James of London said the dating site for the “aesthetically challenged” excludes “anyone who is overtly pretty or attractive,” The Sun reported. “It’s a sad fact that up to half of the U.K. is made up of ugly people yet amazingly nobody has ever thought of providing a dating service for them,” James said. “Some of these will be moderately ugly, but others will have fallen from the ugly tree and hit every branch on their way down.” James said nearly 1,500 people have joined the site since it went live in August.
Around the world with no baggage NEW YORK – A Kansas travel writer says preparation for his 6-week trip around the globe doesn’t involve much packing as he won’t be bringing any bags. Rolf Potts, who was due to begin his trip mid-August in New York, said he would not be bringing any checked or carry-on bags on his voyage, which will include stops in London, Morocco, Cairo, South Africa and Bangkok, ABC News reported. “Not even a man-purse or a fanny pack,” Potts said. “Just things in my pockets.” Potts said his luggage usually involves only a small backpack and a day pack. “I’ve always been big on traveling light,” he said. “This is just the ultimate manifestation and test of that habit.” Potts, whose voyage is being sponsored by travel-clothing company ScotteVest and online travel site BootsNall, said the trip will be documented on rtwblog.com.
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HUMOR TIMES
September, 2010
Argus Sez President Obama was ripped in Los Angeles for tying up traffic when he arrived in town recently. It got worse. Imagine the anger that erupted after he endorsed the building of a Museum of Human Tolerance just a few blocks from Mel Gibson’s house. The New Republic’s editor wrote an essay about President Obama where he reveals that Obama’s campaign aides two years ago routinely referred to him as Black Jesus. Democrats don’t call him that anymore. Now they call him Hubris Humphrey. Pakistanis rioted in the cities of Karachi over the government’s slow response to flooding. Mobs of Pakistanis ran wild looting and burning. From a helicopter it looked like six Los Angeles high schools getting out at the same time. The Pentagon said the last U.S. combat brigade left Iraq ending the Iraq war. It signified a triumph for U.S. and British interests there. We toppled Saddam Hussein and divided Iraq into three different countries — regular, unleaded and unleaded supreme. Brett Favre returned to the Minnesota Vikings at age 41. He has had six knee, back and ankle surgeries. Last night the Vikings went to a Mexican nightclub and heard a castanet solo, and that was just Brett getting out of his chair. Jack Daniel’s launched a campaign to recognize the whiskey’s place in Washington D.C. lore. Lyndon Johnson used to serve it regularly to senators. Nobody knows how many Southern Democrats voted for the Civil Rights Act thinking it was a water project. Betty White signed a book deal to write her autobiography. She’s a folk hero. Millions have looked at their re tire ment state ments and calmed themselves down with the thought that they can host Saturday Night Live when they’re eighty-eight.
September, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
ARGUS HAMILTON
California’s Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that Americans have the free speech right to lie about winning military medals. It’s now a First Amendment right to lie. Whenever God gives Rod Blagojevich a good week it lasts the entire seven days. Nancy Pelosi called for an investigation into who’s funding the opposition to that Ground Zero mosque. How much money would it take to pay all the people who are mad about the mosque? The only way there’d be enough money would be if it were BP’s fault. The White House eased travel to Cuba to permit U.S. students to travel there. It could backfire. People who come back are going to demand the repeal of health care reform after they find that it means everyone has to drive fifty-year-old Chevys. President Obama said he has no regrets about endorsing a mosque near Ground Zero. He said this just before he spent the week campaigning for Democrats who are in big trouble. They weren’t in trouble until he started campaigning for them. The Republican Governors Association got a million-dollar donation from Fox News Channel’s parent company. It’s owned by Rupert Murdoch. He gives it to the Republicans because if he gives to the anchors it will look like he’s keeping a harem. Mel Gibson totaled his Maserati on Malibu Canyon Road Saturday. Don't miss the audiotape. He blames the Jewish county supervisor for approving the road, Mexicans for paving it and the black guy at OnStar who recognized his voice and hung up on him.
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Miscellaneous Mischief
20
HUMOR TIMES
September, 2010
More Mischief
September, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
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More Mischief
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September, 2010
September, 2010
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