Humor Times, Oct. 2010

“America’s corporate chieftains must love poor people, for they’re doing all they can to create millions more of them.” – Jim Hightower Issue #226

October 2010

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HUMOR TIMES

October, 2010

Editor’s Rant We’ve heard it said before, just about every election, in fact. But this time, it may just be true.

This election could be the most important in generations.

Why? Simple. If we want to hold on to our democracy, however imperfect it is, we must prevent those candidates from taking power who would allow the Supreme Court’s fatally flawed decision in the Citizens United case to stand.

The predictions are all coming true. A huge flood of cash – far above and beyond what is already a bloated amount from the candidates’ campaigns – is buying ads that are attempting to influence the election. We don’t know who these people and corporations are behind the ads (even foreign-controlled corporations are free to try to buy elections, according the the “Supreme Five,” who should be impeached, in my humble opinion), since they don’t have to disclose that information. They form front groups to buy the ads – groups with nice, patriotic-sounding names.

These monied interests do not have the welfare of our democracy in mind. What they want is to counter the push by the Obama administration for regulatory, financial and health insurance reform. The administration has rolled back tax breaks for companies that ship jobs overseas, and they’ve restored enforcement of rules to protect clean air and clean water. Whatever you think about Obama – and many on the left are quite disgruntled, having expected far more from him – these are things that will be reversed if the Democrats lose control of Congress.

And they won’t stop there. For one thing, they’ll protect the Citizens United decision by enshrining it in law, whereas Democrats are trying to at least pass transparency laws so that those behind these misleading ads will be exposed. Hopefully, they will do much more to reform our election finance laws, because it is sorely needed. If the right wing regains power, you can be sure the status quo will remain, as they enjoy the bulk of the financial backing from these shadowy groups. As I see it, any elected officials who do not work to counter Citizens United have whored themselves out, willing to do the bidding of the super-rich, just to hold onto political power, democracy be damned.

That is why this election is so important. Voters on the left, independents and conservatives with conscience MUST get over their disillusionment and their unrealistic expectations of sweeping change (which were especially naive, with the filibuster in place), and GET TO THE POLLS this November. Otherwise, we can probably kiss any hopes of reclaiming a strong democracy goodbye forever.

– James Israel, Publisher/editor Correction: In our August, 2010 issue, one of our “quips” above a cartoon about the late Senator Robert C. Byrd referred to him as Senator Larry Byrd. Of course, Larry Bird is the former NBA great player for the Boston Celtics.

As a reader who wrote to us said, Senator Byrd was an eloquent and gutsy political leader in a time when such gustiness had been in short supply – his speech given to a near-empty Senate (they had “more important” things to do) just before the attack on Iraq began was at once courageous and prophetic, as he was one of the few to speak out strongly against invading. He later said the vote he was proudest of in his career was the one against the Iraq War resolution.

The two cartoons we printed highlighted his ability to “bring home the pork” and his early resistance to the civil rights laws, which he later said he deeply regretted. While both of these cartoons depicted what we feel are valid points, we do want to declare our deep respect for Byrd’s great career in the U.S. Senate.

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October, 2010

Humor Times (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 19, Issue 226, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 4208 Norton Way, Sacramento, CA 95820. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lester, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others.

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HUMOR TIMES

3

Sinking Feeling Labor Day was celebrated all over the country...

as “recovery summer” wound down.

There was hope for perhaps a peace dividend...

but that was quite unrealistic.

There just isn’t enough money, say some...

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and besides, Obama’s been dawdling. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2010

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October, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

5

The Maddening / Labor Day Gets No Respect Man Oh Man, I’m Mad Man oh man, I’m mad. I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore. Take what? I don’t know. And that makes me mad too. Angry. Riled up. Cranky. Irate. Livid. Bellicose. Splenetic. Which has something to do with the spleen. Think it involves leakage. Whatever it is, it can’t be good and I got it.

I’m mad at everything and everybody, but especially at career politicians. Not to mention career pediatricians. From now on, one of my kids gets sick, I’m taking them to see some incensed old coot straight off the street carrying a misspelled sign. Experience is way overrated. Why can’t US Senator be an entry-level position?

I’m mad about paying taxes. Because I don’t like paying taxes.

I’m tired of my hard earned money wasted on silly things like roads and air traffic controllers and paramedics and pipeline inspectors. And flossing. I hate that too. Who needs teeth? Members of the lamestream media elite, that’s who. So they can lie through them. Those guys I’m mad at because they keep running stories about me being mad.

I’m mad at the government’s nit picking rules. Let corporations regulate themselves. They know what they’re doing. I’m mad because I have to work two jobs just to get by and I’m mad rich people don’t get more tax cuts. I’m mad about all the jobs that went overseas and I’m mad at unions demanding a living wage.

I’m mad my life isn’t better than my parents’ and I’m mad I can’t have everything now and force my children to pay for it. And

knowing I’m confused just fuels my maddening.

I’m mad our Muslim President was born in Kenya. And don’t bother me with your so-called facts. I know what I know and it makes me so mad I could just spit. So I do. Often. Right into the wind. And having the front of my shirt constantly moist just gooses the scale of how mad I am.

I’m mad at both of the parties. All of the parties. Political parties and birthday parties and tailgate parties. I’m mad at Democrats because they’re the polar opposite of mad and I’m mad at Republicans because they’re mad at me. And if my maddish spews hurt them, tough. Because they’re not as mad as I am. I’m so mad I’ll bite off both my hands one finger at a time if that’s what it takes. To prove I’m mad. Which I am.

I’m mad at immigrants for doing jobs that are beneath me. I’m mad at the French. I’m mad at French’s mustard. I’m mad at people who put ketchup on hot dogs. I’m even mad at people who are mad at people who put ketchup on hot dogs. You can never hope to replicate the purity of my precious maditude.

Some folks don’t ever get mad which makes me maddest of all. The hell is wrong with these people? These uppity madless ones. Oooh, they make me so mad. But they will be mad. Soon enough. Because my madness is going to bloom and grow until everyone is as mad as me. Which, is going to be tough. Because I’m really really mad. Did I mention I was mad? Good. Because I am. Mad, that is. Man oh man, I’m mad.

WILL DURST

Happy Labor Day Poor Labor Day. Gets no respect. It’s the Rodney Dangerfield of celebrations. The runt of the holiday litter. Just hearing the name conjures up depressing images of a last plastic souvenir sports bottle of lemonade poured on the dying charcoal briquettes of summer. It’s the end of the bright light and the beginning of the darkness. Vacation is over and the fun has expired.

White shoes are put back in the closet and storm windows taken out. Watermelons are replaced on the floor next to produce bins by pumpkins. Swimming pools get drained and ice cream trucks convoy back into their hibernatory garages. All the red, white and blue motifs give way to orange and black. The solstice is dead. Long live the autumnal equinox.

As a kid, I was too busy running from the shadow of school’s return and the end of my freedom to pay much attention to the meaning of the holiday. And when I did, it made no sense. Honor work? Who would do that? Might as well set aside a day to venerate broccoli. I thought of work as a thing to be avoided not celebrated. Chores squared.

But then I entered the real world and desired things, like food and shelter and clothing and gasoline, which forced me into gainful employment. And it was surprisingly enjoyable. Not the getting up at 4 am part, but the fruit of accomplishment deal – yeah.

Got my social security number at the age of 12. Held over 100 different jobs. Then in 1981, I was able to earn a living at my chosen craft. Making me an extremely lucky man.

Without labor, we would still be nomads, boiling river water to wash down our nightly meal of beans and mush and roots and moss. Getting way too friendly with the livestock. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. From the people who brought you the weekend, not to mention the 40 hour work week and the lunch hour and the smoke break and the potty run and the punch clock dash.

Our society’s love affair with the genetically blessed can get tiresome. The rich and the beautiful and the fast and the strong.

The lucky sperm club. People who were in the right place at the right time, and most of those places were wombal. That’s why it’s important to have this one 24-hour period to honor ordinary Americans. Real folks who don’t think “work ethic” is a dirty word. Or a dirty two words. Or whatever.

No, there’s no fireworks to watch or ugly birds to cook or chocolate covered bunnies to steal marshmallows from. Just one Monday off for all those regular guys and gals trying to make ends meet; raising 2.3 kids while juggling a mortgage and trying to cover the monthly cable bill with at least one premium channel thrown in.

One day to celebrate what it is that we do for a living by taking the day off from work. Paying tribute not to some dead presidents or a religious fertility ritual or the valiant who have fallen defending democracy, but to the living. To us. The true American heroes. The ones who keep democracy alive and shaking and moving and growing. You and me. All right. All right. Fine.

Mostly you. Happy Labor Day, everybody.

Will Durst is a San Francisco based political comedian who writes sometimes. This being a questionable example. His new CD, “Raging Moderate,” now available from Stand Up! Records on iTunes and Amazon.

“I had hoped that we would do better this time. But it turns out that politicians and economists alike have spent decades unlearning the lessons of the 1930s, and are determined to repeat all the old mistakes.” – Paul Krugman

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HUMOR TIMES

October, 2010

Election Mode Repubs are gearing up a charm offensive...

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October, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

7

Tea-ed Off Tea partiers distrust the government...

saying it could learn from CEOs.

They love their Glenn Beck... who says he loves Martin Luther King, Jr.

They don’t much care for that Obama fella... being quite sure he’s a secret Muslim. (continued)

8

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2010

Teabaggers don’t always have their facts straight...

but only the elite worry about such things.

Book smarts ain’t so important... not when you’re on a mission.

And with success in the primaries, they stand poised... to be the big fish in the sea.

October, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

9

What They’re Saying Quotes on Issues of the Day If the hegemony of the corporate state is not soon broken we will descend into a technologically enhanced age of barbarism...

“It is like being in a pit,” Ralph Nader told me when we spoke on Saturday. “If you are four feet in the pit you have a chance to grab the top and hoist yourself up. If you are 30 feet in the pit you have to start on a different scale.”

All resistance will take place outside the arena of electoral politics. The more we expand community credit unions, community health clinics and food cooperatives and build alternative energy systems, the more empowered we will become.

“To the extent that these organizations expand and get into communities where they do not exist, we will weaken the multinational goliath, from the banks to the agribusinesses to the HMO giants and hospital chains,” Nader said.

The failure of liberals to defend the interests of working men and women as our manufacturing sector was dismantled, labor unions were destroyed and social services were slashed has proved to be a disastrous and fatal misjudgment. Liberals, who betrayed the working class, have no credibility...

“People have institutionalized oppressive power in the form of surrender,” Nader said.

“It is not that they like it. But what are you going to do about it? You make the best of it.

The system of control is staggeringly dictatorial. It breaks new ground and innovates in ways no one in human history has ever innovated. You start in American history where these corporations have influence. Then they have lobbyists. Then they run candidates. Then they put their appointments in top government positions. Now, they are actually operating the government.”...

The failure by the Obama administration to use the bailout and stimulus money to build public works such as schools, libraries, roads, clinics, highways, public transit and reclaiming dams, as well as create green jobs, has snuffed out any hope of serious economic, political or environmental reform coming from the centralized bureaucracy of the corporate state. And since the government did not hire enough auditors and examiners to monitor how the hundreds of billions in taxpayer funds funneled to Wall Street are being spent, we will soon see reports of widespread mismanagement and corruption. The rot and corruption at the top levels of our financial and political systems, coupled with the increasing deprivation felt by tens of millions of Americans, are volatile tinder for a horrific right-wing backlash...

We do not have much time left. And the lon ger we re fuse to confront corpo rate power the more impotent we become as society breaks down. The game of electoral politics, which is given legitimacy by the right and the so-called left on the cable news shows, is just that – a game. It diverts us from what should be our daily task – dismantling, piece by piece, the iron grip that corporations hold over our lives. Hope is a word that is applicable only to those who grasp reality, however bleak, and do something meaningful to fight back – which does not include the farce of elections and involvement in mainstream political parties. Hope is about fighting against the real forces of destruction, not chanting “Yes We Can!” in rallies or ches trated by mar ket ing ex perts, television crews, pollsters and propagandists or begging Obama to be Obama.

Hope, in the hands of realists, spreads fear into the black heart of the corporate elite. But hope, real hope, remains thwarted by our collective self-delusion.

– Chris Hedges, truthdig.com, 9/13/10

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The Hightower Lowdown Exporting Jobs, Importing Workers Maybe you’re one of the thousands of young lawyers in America working in some low-skill, part-time job because law firms have cut so many of the starting positions you were educated to take. If so, I have good news: Jobs for young lawyers are now mushrooming in companies that pro vide le gal ser vices to U.S. corporations.

Unfortunately, you’ll have to move to India to get one. And the pay will be – how shall I put this? – “disappointing.”

Lawyering has become the latest category of good jobs disappearing from our Land of the Free, as corporate chieftains continue to offshore the American workplace. The average student loan debt for a recent law school graduate is upward of $100,000, and now law school grads are finding that jobs are scarce – especially since Wall Street banks, insurance corporations, mining giants and others are shipping more and more of their law busi ness to Pangea3, CPA Global, UnitedLex and other rapidly expanding legal outsourcing outfits in India.

In the past five years, the number of these upstart firms has more than tripled, with each one offering from a few dozen to hundreds of young Indian law-school graduates. These eager legal beagles are hunkered down in corporate cubicles, ready to write contracts, review legal documents and – increasingly – to handle the more sophisticated chores of case management and regulatory filings that corporations have been entrusting to more experienced

American lawyers.

Even though U.S. cor po ra tions have amassed record levels of profits and cash reserves, they are offshoring their legal work simply because it puts even more money in their pockets. They can pay Indian lawyers as little as a tenth of what they’d pay young American attorneys – and the 90-percent wage difference goes to the cor poration, rather than be ing spread through our econ omy as family incomes.

It’s another move by the corporate elite to separate their expanding fortunes from the well-being of America’s middle class – and from the well being of America itself.

But what about work that needs to be done here? I mean, physically, here, in the good ol’ U.S.A. At last Obama is get ting serious about America’s jobs crisis. Last week, he proposed a $50 billion effort that would put Americans to work repairing our national infrastructure. Of course, congressional Republicans have responded as they always do: petulantly shouting “no” and plopping their fat butts down in the middle of the legislative path to block progress.

But Obama could take one symbolic step on his own that would create jobs for about a dozen American workers. It involves the construction of a memorial and statue of Martin Luther King Jr. on our National Mall. After all, King’s historic 1963 march on Washington was about jobs and poverty – so why not have some of our highly skilled bricklayers and stone masons who’re now unemployed build this monument

JIM HIGHTOWER in honor of King’s legacy?

Seems sensible – but guess what? The quasi-governmental foundation overseeing the King memorial project doesn’t seem to have much sense. It is importing eight to 12 workers from – believe it or not – China to do this job!

Why don’t they just poke every out-of-work American in the eye with a sharp stick? As the Bricklayers union said in exasperation, this is “wrong, wrong, wrong.”

Well, sniffed a spokeswoman for the foundation, only the centerpiece of the memorial is outsourced to Chinese craftworkers, so stop your griping. Ironically, that centerpiece is named the “Stone of Hope,” but apparently no one at the foundation has any grasp of irony, so they are proceeding to obtain work visas to bring the Chinese into our nation’s capital and con struct King’s mon u ment. Pre sum ably, America’s vast pool of jobless workers will be allowed to watch them.

OK, it’s only a dozen jobs – but symbolism is important, especially in these hard times. To join the Bricklayers’ protest of this insult, call the Martin Luther King Memorial Foundation and tell them to put Americans back to work: (202) 737-5420.

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HUMOR TIMES

October, 2010

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HUMOR TIMES

11

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Officials Unable to Explain Poll: One Out of Five Americans Do Not Believe Obama Exists San Bruno Explosion Officials with the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) expressed bewilderment today as to why an old, leaking, corroded natural gas pipeline exploded in San Bruno California this past week killing at least six people.

“I don’t have a fricking clue,” said NTSB vice chairman Christopher Hart.

“Back in those days, wh en th at pi p e w as made, they made things to last! Not The day after. like the piece of shit pipes they make today!”

The pipe which exploded was built in 1948 when Harry Truman was President and was supposedly built to last for at least 15,000 years, according to Hart.

“There is a slim possibility the pipe corroded,” said Pa cific Gas & Elec tric (PG&E) President Christopher Jones. “It raises the possibility that maybe we should start checking those old pipes once every 50 years or so.”

Jones also hinted that this may be the work of terrorists. “It wouldn’t surprise me if one of them towel-headed terrorist guys is behind this,” Jones stated.

Jones dismissed speculation that this may be the result of PG&E incompetence.

“We all get seven figure salaries,” Jones boasted. “How could we be incompetent when we get paid that kind of money?”

Reported by UnconfirmedSources.com

Former Craigslist Johns Getting ‘Extremely Horny’ When 39-year-old Ventura, CA real estate consultant Ryan Reedy wanted a prostitute all he had to do was click an ad on Craigslist and one would be delivered to his door within the hour. However, now that Craigslist has removed the ‘Adult Services’ list ing from their site, Reedy, and many others like him, now have to hit the streets.

“It’s such an inconvenience,” Reedy stated. ”I tend to work late.

By the time I get to the corner many of the good hoes are gone and I have to settle for what’s left.

Or wait an hour or two until one becomes available.”

Craigslist, the famous online posting site, abruptly ended its adult services section several weeks ago with no advance warning, forcing many horny business people to drive to known prostitute corners or check their local free weekly newspaper for those “dating” ads.

Pros ti tutes them selves are bitching loudly about Craigslist’s removal of the listings.

“I used to just sit at home waiting for the phone to ring,” said Casandra ”Candy" Kane. “Now I’ve gotta walk the street like a common hooker!”

Reported by UnconfirmedSources.com

14

‘Existers’ movement gathers steam

proof that he was never born.”

Ms. Rance says that while President George W. In what might be the most serious challenge to Barack Obama’s legitimacy as President, a new Bush was criticized for disappearing every Aupoll shows that one out of five Americans are not gust, “Obama is never there to begin with.”

Ap pear ing Sunday on convinced that Mr. Obama NBC’s “Meet the Press,” exists.

Se n. M itch M cConnel l The poll, conducted by (R-KY) made com ments the Univ. of Min ne sota’s about Mr. Obama’s existence Opinion Research Institute, that stoked the controversy. reveals that 23 percent of “ I’ve s po ke n t o hi m those sur veyed “strongly face-to-face, and I take him agreed” with the statement, at his word that he exists,” he “ I be l i e v e t h a t B a ra c k said. “Unless of course I was Obama’s birth was faked, Prez reassures that he’s “not a ghost.” talking to a hologram.” just like the moon landing.”

At the White House, spokesman Robert Gibbs Poll results coincide with the recent rise of the so-called “Exister” movement, a group who be- brushed aside questions about the President’s exlieves that Obama is an optical illusion created by istence, saying Mr. Obama had “no comment.”

Exister leader Jerrilene Rance offered this rethe Democrats to raise taxes and bail out banks.

“The Birthers say that Obama’s lack of a birth sponse: “The reason he has no comment is that he certificate means he was born in Kenya,” says has no mouth.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate Jerrilene Rance, a leading Exister. “We believe it’s

Whitman Proposes ‘eCal’ System Modeled on eBay to Fix Budget Woes Calif. governor candidate defends strategy, saying, ’It’s what I know’ A Humor Times exclusive California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman today unveiled a radical new plan for balancing the state budget. “I want to put in place an eBay-type system that would be called ‘eCal,’” the former eBay CEO said, “and don’t ask me how I can be sure i t w i l l work. It just will.

I h av e woman’s intuition, an d I Whitman: “It’s what I know.” tru s t in the eBay strategy. It’s what I know.”

Details are sketchy, but apparently instead of voting on budget bills, the state senate and assembly would simply bid on them, with, naturally, the highest bid winning. “Let them put their money where there mouths are,” said Whitman, “then we’ll see only the best ideas survive, because they’ll be the most valuable ones. It’s simple.”

“We’ll put the money raised into the general fund, further alleviating budget shortfalls,” added Ms. Whitman, “and of course, some will go into bonuses for the highest-performing politicians, including governor, since my philosophy is to run state government like a business.”

Democrats are complaining that since Republican congressmen are generally wealthier, it would give them an unfair advantage. “Unfair advantage?” retorted Whitman, “Typical weak-kneed Democrat response. Are these people anti-free market, or what? They’ve held a majority in both houses all this time, and I haven’t heard them com plain ing about un fair ad van tages! Now, they’re afraid of an even playing field. I say, may the best bidder win.”

Democratic candidate Jerry Brown’s office issued a terse statement that read, “This is a highly unusual proposal, to put it mildly, and we will have to study it further before responding. One problem that we haven’t seen addressed is what to do about sniping (last-second, automated bids).

Clearly, we can’t have our budget determined by snippy, snapping snipers.”

Delaware Masturbators March Against O’Donnell Largest Pro-wanking Demonstration in History WILMINGTON – Galvanized by Republican sen a to rial nom i nee Chris tine O’Donnell’s anti-masturbation stance, masturbators from across the state converged on Wilmington today in what some are calling the largest pro-wanking protest in American history.

Carrying signs reading, “O’Donnell: Hands Off Our Masturbation,” the angry masturbators clogged downtown, stopping traffic for blocks.

Harley Farger, a leading Delaware masturbator and planner of the Million Masturbators March, said it was difficult to organize masturbators “because they’re used to acting alone.”

Mr. Farger, the executive director of the pro-monkey-spanking group MasturNation, said that the “wank and file” of his organization believe that masturbation is an inalienable right guaranteed by the Constitution.

“Our country was founded by rugged individualists,” he said. “And you know what individual-

ists like to do.”

He said that O ’ D o n n e l l ’s anti-whack ing po si tion was “ill-timed,” adding, “In this Pro-wankers march in Wilmington. economy, masturbation is one of the few simple pleasures people still can afford.”

Tracy Klugian, a homemaker and masturbator from Dover, Delaware, is “puzzled” by what she sees as the contradictory nature of O’Donnell’s position: “If you’re against masturbation, why would you want to serve in Congress?”

A spokesman for the Wilmington Police Department, Crandall Darlington, said that the Million Masturbators March could cost the city tens of thousands of dollars, “especially when you include the cost of cleaning up afterwards.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

HUMOR TIMES

Rabid Dog Mistaken for Tea Party Candidate Receives standing ovation at Missouri rally JEFFERSON CITY, MO – A rabid Doberman Pinscher jumped on stage at a Tea Party rally in Missouri on Labor Day and barked at the crowd for nearly twenty minutes before people realized he was not a candidate.

The dog, later identified by its owner as “Mister Buster,” held the crowd spellbound as he barked, growled, and frothed at the mouth, eventually receiving a standing ovation for his exertions.

Gwendolene Thomason, 42, was one of the hundreds on hand who were con vinced that the Doberman was a Tea Party candidate until he was outed as a dog.

“I liked what he had Calm down, fido. to say,” she said. ”He reminded me of Glenn Beck, only furrier.”

The Doberman’s canine identity finally became clear when he lunged at a man in the front row and wrested a hamburger from his right hand, taking two of the man’s fingers with it.

While the discovery that Mister Buster was not a Tea Party candidate disappointed many in attendance, Ms. Thomason held out hope that, dog or no, he might consider running for office at some point.

“I liked the way he did his business in the middle of the stage,” she said. “We need more of that in Washington.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

Procter & Gamble Launches Single Tooth Whitestrips in Kentucky Pledges to ‘Brighten the lives of backwoods folk’ CINCINNATI, OH – Procter & Gamble, the marketers of Crest Whitestrips have introduced Single Tooth Whitestrips to customers in Kentucky. The new product is available in Walmart stores, bait shops, and as part of prison inmate w e l c o me packets through out the Commonwealth.

“Too often, it is assumed that people with limited teeth are less Capturing new market. likely to want to enhance them,” said White Strips Brand Manager Jamie Hoffs. “Consumer research reveals single tooth consumers desire whitening just as much as fully toothed consumers. We’re proud to offer a convenient and cost-effective single tooth alternative.”

Executives say the traditional Whitestrips were never popular in Kentucky. Single tooth consumers felt that coverage beyond a single tooth was a waste of money. “During what we now call ‘the first moment of tooth’, the point when consumers first see the product, we’re seeing a very positive reaction.” said Hoffs.

Crittenden resident Becca Ingram shared the following testimonial during a recent focus group discussion on the company’s website.

“My tooth is so bright now, I can’t stop a-smilin’. The other night I smiled so big that the reflection from the full moon lit up the walk to the outhouse.”

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

October, 2010

Shipping Out

Looney Preachers Rule

Although problems remain...

Crazy preachers have a special role in America...

the U.S. claimed success in Iraq... and have inspired many...

but they have some serious competition.

and returning vets are amazed to be home.

October, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

15

Holding on for Dear Life Dems face a tough midterm election...

to put it mildly.

Obama remains a big target for the GOP...

who have remodeling plans of their own.

As Dems attempt to reclaim their mojo...

16

it’s still tough sledding.

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2010

Party of No Takes a Tea Break Republicans are steaming...

feeling bottled up.

They have a Boehner for the House leadership...

and feel they’re on the road to success.

Only one thing thing stands in the way...

October, 2010

and that’s a bit of meatheadedness within the ranks.

HUMOR TIMES

17

Georgia farmer sued: Growing too many vegetables In these times of economic crisis, rising poverty, and diet-related health problems, you’d think local governments would have bigger priorities than counting the number of squash and broccoli plants on people’s lawns. Unfortunately that’s not the case for Georgia resident Steve Miller, a landscaper by profession and organic farmer by heart, who’s been caught tomato-red-handed growing a downright offensive number of vegetable plants on his property outside of Atlanta. (The exact number of criminal plants unknown.)

Dubbed “Cabbage-Gate” by friends and neighbors of Miller, officials in Dekalb County, Georgia, are suing him for $5,000 in fines for not having his land properly zoned to grow such an apparently ridiculous number of vegetables – even after he stopped growing them and got rezoned.

Escaped cobras strike fear in southwest China BEIJING — Residents of a township in southwest China have been running scared after more than 160 cobras escaped from an illegal breeding laboratory, state media said.

People in Shijiao township in the huge Chongqing municipality have found the deadly snakes in outdoor toilets, kitchens and on the streets since they escaped in September.

“The other day, Zhang Erfen had just gone into the toilet when we heard a loud scream and she came running out while trying to hike up her pants” after coming face-to-face with a cobra, one villager was quoted as saying.

A villager identified as Cai Yong has admitted to raising up to 1,900 cobras in an unlicenced breeding center in an abandoned schoolhouse.

It was not clear if he had been arrested.

Owner lay dead on the couch as estate agent showed buyers around her home An estate agent showed prospective buyers around an £800,000 house in London while the owner lay dead on her sofa, an inquest showed.

The agent, Samuel Allfort, said he had assumed the 55-year-old woman was sleeping and continued with the pre-arranged viewing.

But after the viewing he returned to the property as ‘something wasn’t right’, Westminster Coroner’s Court heard.

He found the homeowner, Katherine Frame, motionless on the sofa, where she had turned a ‘yellow-ish’ color.

‘I called an ambulance which arrived almost instantly, and the ambulance man soon told me that she had passed away.’

Although Miss Frame had been treated for chronic depression for 23 years and had struggled for years with alcohol problems, a postmortem revealed that there was no drink in her system when she died.

However, her liver was severely damaged, and pathologist Dr Peter Wilkins told the court this was the ‘most significant’ pathological factor he found.

IHOP sues IHOP over trademark Pancakes and prayers — have we reached a point where even those two can’t get along? Frankly, yes. So praise the Lord and pass the syrup, the International House of Pancakes and International House of Prayer are fixing to throw down.

IHOP (pancake), based in Glendale, Calif., has sued IHOP (prayer), based in Kansas City, for trademark dilution and infringement. The lawsuit essentially said there was room for only one IHOP, the restaurant, which has been in business since 1973.

The religious group draws thousands from around the world to south Kansas City to prepare for “end times” and was started just 10 years ago. Other than an acronym, the two have nearly zilch in common.

The IHOP (prayer) operates 24/7/365, sending a never-ending digital signal of prayers to Jerusalem, where it streams live on God TV. The other largely operates 24/7/365, too, but is known for its pancakes, including the breakfast specialty “Rooty Tooty Fresh ’N Fruity.”

Texas man survives: Stung more than 1200 times Lamar LaCaze, 65, was mowing his lawn last month when the unexpected bee attack took place, covering his body with stingers, the San Marcos Daily Record reported.

Mr LaCaze managed to call his son Trey six times to ask for help but received no answer.

When his son called him back, Mr LaCaze managed to tell him that he was “in bees.”

When Mr LaCaze was found by his son, he was slumped over a fence and covered by the swarming bees.

“His head was black, solid bees,” he said.

“It looked like a bee hive on his head.”

Hospital staff managed to pull more than 1200 stingers from his body, as well as whole bees from his ears, nose, mouth and throat.

He will be released from hospital in the next few days though his body will take longer to process all the bee venom.

18

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2010

Argus Sez Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell won the GOP Senate primary in Delaware. She has the same face, hair and glasses as Sarah Palin. Republicans will win back the White House if they can get over their objections to nominating Tina Fey for president.

Great White Sharks were spotted off the coast of Malibu beach recently only two hundred yards offshore from the movie star beach houses. It’s where Mel Gibson swims. The sharks stayed calm and tried to remember to poke him in the eyes if he gets too close.

Harlem U.S. Rep. Charlie Rangel drubbed Adam Clayton Powell IV in the Democratic primary. Rangel faces a House corruption trial and Powell has sex scandals. This recession is so terrible that people are giving up entertainment and just voting for straight payoffs.

The New York Jets apologized for going crazy in the locker room over Mexican TV sportscaster Ines Sainz. She wore tight jeans, high heels and a low-cut blouse. The Bishop of New Jersey saw her picture in the paper and kicked out a stained glass window.

Tea Party primary wins split the GOP votes between retreating moderates and rampaging conservatives. It’ll all work out. Any zookeeper will tell you that it’s easy to get the lion and the lamb to lie down together, just bring in a new lamb every morning.

Cuba announced it will shed 500,000 government bureaucrats and allow private businesses to start hiring. We’ve just learned that the private sector is going to come back in America but it’s going to take fifty years.

New Jersey subway conductor Derek Fenton was fired for burning a Koran during a Ground Zero mosque protest in Lower Manhattan. He wasn’t afraid of any Muslim reprisals. The chances of a plane flying into a subway tunnel

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HUMOR TIMES

ARGUS HAMILTON

are really pretty slim.

The Underwear Bomber chose to represent himself in his terror trial in Michigan. He was prevented by fellow passengers from blowing up a plane while landing in Detroit on Christmas Eve. Everybody who was on that plane deserves a medal for going to Detroit.

Senator Harry Reid proposed U.S. citizenship for any illegal immigrant with two years of college or U.S. military service. It’s controversial. He de nied that he’s offering amnesty through the back door but if this were a movie it’d be called Last Tango in Phoenix.

President Obama gave his annual televised back-to-school speech to children recently. He told kids to ignore bullies and treat one another with respect, but the speech fell on deaf ears.

John Boehner and Newt Gingrich haven’t been in school in decades.

President Obama signed a bill reducing jail time for crack cocaine. The addiction is treatable. Barack Obama admitted doing coke when he was a young man and George W. Bush invaded a country for having imaginary weapons, and they kicked the habit.

Ground Zero Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf was accused in a New Jersey court of neglecting a four-story apartment building he owns in Jersey City. It has bedbugs, frayed wiring, and no smoke alarms. This is the last place in the world you’d expect to find a flight school.

The Census Bureau released a study on the income gap between men and women. It found the smallest salary difference in history. The pay gap between men and women has really narrowed over the last few years because unemployment checks are all the same.

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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HUMOR TIMES

October, 2010

More Mischief

October, 2010

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Still More Mischief

22

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2010

October, 2010

HUMOR TIMES

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