“I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.” – Susan B. Anthony
Issue #227
November 2010
Merely $
(About half th 3 ! a subscriptioat with n!)
Formerly the Comic Press News
®
Political Satire for Those With a Sense of Humor... And Who Are Paying Attention!
00
2
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2010
Editor’s Rant One of the tough things about publishing a monthly is that the timing doesn’t always work to your advantage. Since we publish before the first of the month, we’ll have to wait until the December issue to cover an election that happened on November 2nd. Oh, well, there’s lots of great pre-election shenanigans that we have fun with in this issue. One result that is certain well before the election, however, is that our democracy is in a very fragile place. When you give groups and individuals a huge advantage toward electing their preferred candidates, that’s bad – but it is incredibly dangerous when the advantage is given to an already powerful group. And that’s what the “Citizens United” decision by the Supreme Court did, in January of this year. The obscene amounts spent by shadowy, mysterious organizations with cuddly names like Americans for Job Security and American Future Fund this election cycle are proof that the rich and powerful are taking full advantage. These mystery groups do not have to disclose who is funding them. Building on the already wrong-headed notion that “money equals speech,” a result of flawed court decisions through the years, the Citizens United decision basically opened the floodgates, giving corporations the right to spend as much as they want to influence an election in secret. Looking back, in 2006, the Court struck down spending limits in the Randall v. Sorrell case, while making themselves the arbiter of what dollar amount is acceptable. They declared Vermont’s $200-$400 limits “unconstitutionally low.” The decision effectively prohibits states from leveling the political playing field between the wealthy citizens and everyone else. Of course, for the original terrible decision by the Supreme Court in this matter, you have to go back to 1886, when, through a clerical insertion (see www.ratical.org/corporations/SCvSPR1886.html), the Supreme Court granted corporations the same rights as living persons under the 14th Amendment. Because the Constitution makes no mention of corporations, it was a clear case of the Court’s taking it upon itself to rewrite the Constitution. Amazingly, as the article states, “the doctrine of corporate personhood, which subsequently became a cornerstone of corporate law, was introduced into this 1886 decision without argument. According to the official case record, Supreme Court Justice Morrison Remick Waite simply pronounced before the beginning of argument in the case of Santa Clara County v. Southern Pacific Railroad Company that:
Holiday Online Specials! Purchase Your Gift Certificates Online!
raftwet-store.com Featured Gift Ideas: • North Fork American – Class IV • $100 Gift Certificates – No expiration! Apply to any future rafting trip!
Plan Your Event on the River! 2011: Birthdays, Bachelors, Friends or Family Trips! Celebrate Your Life!
Surf
to our website for special discounts!
raftwet.com 1.888.RAFTWET
E R R I V
P S T R I
The court does not wish to hear argument on the question whether the provision in the Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which forbids a State to deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws, applies to these corporations. We are all of opinion that it does.
“The court reporter duly entered into the summary record of the Court’s findings that: The defendant Corporations are persons within the intent of the clause in section 1 of the Fourteen Amendment to the Constitution of the United States, which forbids a State to deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.
“Thus it was that a two-sentence assertion by a single judge elevated corporations to the status of persons under the law, prepared the way for the rise of global corporate rule, and thereby changed the course of history.” It’s been an uphill fight for the “little people” ever since. Before all the imbalances put in place since that time can be addressed, it seems to me that this initial unconstitutional ruling (in many knowledgeable historians’ and lawyers’ minds, and I have to agree) must somehow be nullified by law, or reversed by the Court. Meanwhile, misguided justices continue to grant more and more power to the already powerful. What has become of Abraham Lincoln’s vision of a government the people, by the people and for – James Is“of rael, Publisher/editor the people”?
CHECK US OUT ONLINE! Our website is www.humortimes.com, our Facebook page is at www.facebook.com/HumorTimes (fan us!), and you may follow our tweets at http://twitter.com/humortimes. IF YOU SUBSCRIBE to the Humor Times, you may log in to your account (use the link at humortimes.com, under mailbox graphic on the upper left), and view the six most recent issues, in PDF or “Flip page” format. The online edition features color on every page. Enjoy!
$1 • SAVE A BUCK by entering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $1 ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!! Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ If a gift, your name: ________________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $19.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $36.95 36 issues (3 years). . . . $53.95 Please Check if RENEWAL
12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $33.95 24 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $65.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $50.95 12 issues/PDF download. . . . . $9.95 Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________
Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a
Or use your: p Discover
p Visa
p Mastercard
p American Express
Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)
Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________ (Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-455-1217.)
November, 2010
Humor Times (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 19, Issue 227, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 4208 Norton Way, Sacramento, CA 95820. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95604. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lester, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2010. No part may be reproduced without permission.
HUMOR TIMES
3
Hold Your Nose and Vote It was a strange election season...
America was carpet bombed...
as big money talked like never before.
and flooded with mysterious attack ads...
no matter what they are. (continued)
We’ll all have to live with the results...
4
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2010
Dems were feeling weighed down...
barely staying afloat...
as impatient voters turned away.
The ads were brutal...
and candidates even tried avoiding Obama...
as they searched for the right message. (continued pg. 7)
November, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
5
Left Feeling Left Out The Pixie Dust Blues Who is that masked superhero zoooming across the country on treacherous adventures to save the Democratic damsel? It’s President Obama, in a desperate attempt to erase the midterm election enthusiasm gap. Two words: Good luck. We’re talking about a chasm that makes the Grand Canyon seem but a crack in the sidewalk. Wider than the space between Christine O’Donnell’s ears. The difference between my understanding of international cheese derivatives and a gold receipt spindle. The problem is, The Right is as fired up as a Homecoming bonfire, while The Left is walking around with their collective chins scraping the ground like a squad of cheerleaders who got dumped en masse by the football team Friday before the Big Dance. The situation has become so dire, the Administration decided to slap its followers upside the head with a big old dose of Tough Love, altering its signature philosophy from Hope and Change to Scold and Chide. In Madison, Wisconsin, Prez 44 challenged a rally of 25,000 supporters to buck up and quit their bellyaching the day after Vice President Biden yelled at a group of New Hampshire Democrats to stop whining. Experts are split as to whether this strategy of berating the base is an effective incentive or the reckless last ditch long-shot of a party splintered like a picnic table factory after a direct hit from a SCUD. Or just plain dumb. That too is a possibility. The Disciples are disappointed with their Messiah. Not every
6
one of their pet projects got passed in the previous 20 months. So they whine and they grouse and they grumble and snipe and gripe and snivel and whimper and wail. “He didn’t pass the Rainbows in Every Pantry Act.” “He showed his true colors by failing to put an end to world hunger.” “He’s just a Republican in moderate Democratic clothing.” And compared to them, he is. Of course, compared to them, so is Fidel. Most of these sour pouting pusses are the far left-wing, nut-jobs who remain royally pissed the President didn’t push through single payer, blissfully unaware of any resistance offered by the opposition. It doesn’t matter. Superman shouldn’t need help. Conservatives know the importance of banding together to do whatever it takes: lie, cheat, steal, obstruct. Progressives, on the other hand, need to be goosed to get off the couch when it’s on fire. And sloshing through the ashes of arson, they still don’t do angry. They do petulance. Not herd animals. Tend more to the cannibalistic snails without any teeth genus. Given enough time, they’ll gum each other to death. Doesn’t matter if the Tea Party threatens to take over the entire government, the true believers won’t vote because it would take precious time from centering their chi. So President Knute Rockne Man is sentenced to perform hard labor pep talks to rally the troops and replicate the enthusiasm he produced two short years ago. Don’t hold your breath. He’s got about the same chance as a grey haired hippie has of capturing
HUMOR TIMES
WILL DURST
pixie dust with a butterfly net. Pixie dust being something these spoiled children understand. Altogether now, clap if you believe in the progressive movement, “I do believe. I do believe. I do believe in Obama.” Just one last piece of advice: No capes. She’s in the Attic Say what you will about the latest female politician taking her runway turn in the right-wing spotlight, Christine O’Donnell is a lock for Best Newcomer in the Heavyweight Mocking Division. In less than a week she managed to introduce both witchcraft and masturbation into the national conversation. Sex AND religion. Or at least, variations on the themes. As a Tea Party backed candidate, O’Donnell upset Mike Castle, the establishment Republican in the Delaware Senatorial primary crowding Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton out of the headlines onto Page six below the fold. Isn’t it a disgrace how the state of circus coverage has deteriorated as of late? To say that her past may harbor some glitches is similar to intimating that David Bowie went through a few ch-ch-changes. O’Donnell doesn’t just have skeletons in her closet, she has the entire bone army from the 7th Voyage of Sinbad. Makes the Cambodian Killing Fields look like a day care pre school toy box. On TV back in the 90s, she spoke of dabbling in witchery. Which prompted the local Wiccan community to deny ever having anything to do with her. Wow. Disavowed by a society of witches. Wonder where that goes on her next mailer? Can’t wait to see how that whole Puppy Stompers endorsement shakes out. Now the former marketing consultant claims not to be a witch ignoring the simple, trusted, time-tested trial. Throw her in the water. If she doesn’t melt or float, no problem. Of course if she does melt and/or doesn’t float her chances of getting elected shrink dramatically. Notwithstanding Mel Carnahan who won a Missouri Senate race operating under the handicap of being somewhat deadish. But that was way back in 2000. Voters are more discerning now. Founder of The Savior’s Alliance to Lift the Truth, she cites the Bible for her theory that lust in one’s heart constitutes adultery and one can’t practice masturbation without lust, ergo, that too is adultery. Going to disappoint a lot of those who specifically engage in the former to lessen susceptibility to the latter. Although today, you can’t peruse a print ad much less watch Sesame Street without experiencing a soupcon of lust. S is for soupcon! Mama Grizzly’s protégé apparently forgot about a federal tax lien on her house and has been accused of criminally mismanaging campaign money. By Republicans. Who know a thing or two about criminal mismanagement. She also said she would never EVER lie even if Nazis asked her where Anne Frank was hiding. “God will work it out. She’s in the Attic!” When we can’t lie to Nazis, only Nazis will tell lies. In response to her tour of Gaffe City, the GOP muzzle dropped like a mud chimney in a category 5. Same as Rand Paul and Sharron Angle. They start out making bizarre statements, blame the press for reporting what they said, then go into hiding lest the general populace discover that not only do the New Emperors not have any clothes but the voluminous boils enveloping their epidermis proves to be a bit distracting. One can only pray that God will indeed work it out and allow Ms. O’Donnell back on the talk show circuit. She’s a walking smorgasbord of kinetic satire. As they say in the military: a target rich environment, and we’re swimming in extra clips. So, with weeks left before the election, the best may be yet to come. Just stay out of the attic. Will Durst is a San Francisco based political columnist who often tells jokes. On stage.
November, 2010
Hold Your Nose and Vote (continued) Repubs came out with a bold pledge...
and explained why they were the better choice.
Old became new again... as they spread their message of independence.
The party welcomed young rising stars... who really connect with the people. (continued)
November, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
7
Hold Your Nose and Vote (continued) The man who wanted to be Speaker said to trust him...
and they would take America back to a simpler time...
restoring balance. They promised not to lose their heads this time...
and that they would be inclusive... teaming up with tea partiers. (continued)
8
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2010
AMFlood.com
Meanwhile, teabaggers felt the power...
888-333-1280
• Lowest Flood Insurance Rates • Free Flood Zone Determination • Flood Insurance Nationwide • Talk with a Flood Specialist • Residential, Commercial & Condo • Call Today for a Free Quote
MAGIC DARTS & BILLIARDS • Darts • A Large Selection of • Pool Cues Plastic Playing Cards • Dice & Dice Cups • Poker Chips & Tables and Much More!
334-2567 • 5557 Auburn Blvd.
and milked it for all it was worth...
(Auburn & Garfield) Hours: 10-5 Mon-Fri • 12-5 Sat & Sun
GIVE That Others May Laugh. The Humor Times – the Cure for an Unfunny World. celebrating a new future for the GOP.
See subscription form on page 3!
Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care. Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment. Acupuncture • Mercury-Free Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesth esia, pain control and healing . Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing , transformation and peace on our planet.
Brighten up somebody’s humor-deficient life – Give the HUMOR TIMES! The Gift that keeps on giving all year long! November, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
9
What They’re Saying Quotes on Issues of the Day We need campaigns to have a level playing field. Election popularity shouldn’t be a matter of which candidate hires the most cre ative and effec tive pro pa gan dists. It should depend on a candidate’s running conversation with the public. – Ron Howard “The more we got to meet people [in the media], it was – ‘Oh! You’re fucking retarded! You don’t care!’ The pettiness of it, the strange lack of passion for any kind of moral or editorial authority, always struck me as weird. We felt like, we’re serious people doing an unserious thing, and they’re unserious peo ple do ing a very se ri ous thing.” – Jon Stewart, host of the Daily Show on Comedy Central, in an interview with Chris Smith, New York Magazine, 9/12/10 [Jon] Stewart made himself into the leading critic and satirist of the media-political complex, starting with “Indecision 2000,” The Daily Show’s [Comedy Central] parody of that year’s presidential campaign. His com edy is counterprogramming – postmodern entertainment but with a political purpose. As truth has been overrun by truthiness and facts trampled by lies, he and The Daily Show have become an invaluable corrective... – Chris Smith, New York Mag a zine, 9/12/10 The “America” that so many of us have taken for granted for so many decades is literally disintegrating right in front of our eyes. Most Americans are still operating under the delusion that the United States will always be “the wealthiest nation” in the world and that our economy will always produce large numbers of high paying jobs and that the U.S. will always have a very large middle class. But that is not what is happening. The very foundations of the U.S. economy have rotted away and we now find ourselves on the verge of an economic collapse... The U.S. eco nomic system is dying. Blaming the other political party is not a solution. Running around the country offering “hope” and “change” and giving people a vague sense that things will get “better” soon is not going to cut it either. The American people need very real economic solutions to very real economic problems. But nearly all of our politicians are way too busy either trying to get elected or trying to stay in office to tackle the very serious problems which are destroying our economy. Unfortunately, the American people love to watch our politicians play politics. They love to watch the little ping-pong ball of blame go back and forth. They love to pick sides and to cheer for their “team.” None of that is doing any good. Right now millions of Americans are getting sucked into poverty each year and neither major political party is doing anything real to address the very real economic problems that are causing that to happen. But most Americans have become so “dumbed down” that they don’t even understand what the real problems are anymore. All most Americans seem to want these days is to watch a good show. So send in the clowns. There are certainly enough of them in Washington D.C. to keep Americans entertained for quite a long time. – Michael Snyder, Alternet.org, 9/22/10 We're in this mess because of big business and Wall Street. Gov ern ment is needed to get us out of it. – Robert Reich, 8/28/10
10
The Hightower Lowdown Executive Excess L o o k o u t, t he y ’re a n gry. Foa ming-at-the-mouth angry. And they’re lashing out, saying they won’t take it anymore. As one of their leaders angrily cried, “It’s a war.” Indeed – they’re on the move to take their country back. Forget the tea party rowdies, this is the champagne party! More precisely, it’s the Dom Perignon-$1,000-a-bot tle-cham pagne-party, propelled by – get this – billionaire’s rage. Yes, some of the richest, most pampered people on the planet – people who literally wallow in luxury every day, with never a concern about losing a job, a home or health care, or getting their kids into college – these people are wailing in self-pity. They are Wall Street hedge-fund operators, which essentially means they are high-flying financial flimflammers. What has stoked them into an elitist fury is a Barack Obama proposal to close off a ridiculous tax loophole that has let them pay only 15 percent of their lavish income in taxes, rather than the 35 percent rate that us commoners pay. One of the rich est of the ragers, Steve Schwarzman of the Blackstone Group, sees Obama’s proposal as an outrageous intrusion into the suites of the elite, comparing it to “w h en H it le r in va de d Po la nd.” T his o v er-the -to p-ta n trum c o me s from a multibillionaire – a guy who spent $3 million in 2007 just to throw himself a birthday party! Come on, Steve, you’re filthy rich. Stop hyperventilating, and pay your taxes! Pathetically, the real root of this sad Hedge
Fund Rebellion is a feeling by these powerful, super-privileged megalomaniacs that they are being picked on. One even whined that asking hedge-funders to pay taxes at the same rate as everyone else amounts to the “persecution of the minority.” Good grief, man, get a grip! Next thing you know, these doofuses will hire Glenn Beck to host a weepy telethon to “Save the Billionaires Tax Loophole.” But it’s not enough that the wealthy elite want to exempt their excessive, ill-gotten income from any fair contribution to the public good – they also want to slash our incomes. Many of America’s top-paid CEOs are the very ones who’re ruthlessly axing America’s middle-class jobs, and they are reaping gains from our pains. A new survey finds that corporate chieftains who inflict economic pain on the company’s workers receive more financial gain for themselves. The Institute for Policy Studies examined the layoff-payoff records of America’s 500 largest corporations during the past couple of years. IPS researchers report that the 50 CEOs who fired the most rank-and-file employees averaged 42 percent higher pay than their peers, averaging an extra $3.5 million each. One of the champions in this contest of convoluted corporate compensation was Mark Hurd. As chief executive of computer giant Hewlett-Packard, Hurd dumped 6,400 workers in 2009 – a year in which he pocketed a paycheck of $24.2 million. Earlier this year, Hurd was forced to resign from HP after an internal
JIM HIGHTOWER investigation found that he falsified some expense reports. No need to weep for Mark, though – he was comfortably compensated for this bad turn of fortune, receiving a severance package reportedly worth $40 million. Being bad, you see, can be awfully good for a CEO’s bottom line. For example, IPS documented one category of badness-to-goodness that is especially infuriating. Five of the 50 leading pink-slip-issuers last year were also bailout barons. Among them was Kenneth Chenault, honcho of American Express, which got $3.4 billion from us taxpayers in 2008 to save it from fi nan cial ruin. In grat i tude, Chenault subsequently offed 4,000 employees, then helped himself to a paycheck of nearly $17 million, including a $5 million cash bonus. To see the full IPS report, titled “Executive Excess 2010,” and to help stop the excess, go to www.ips-dc.org. “They had begun to consider the Government of the United States as a mere appendage to their own affairs. We know now that Government by organized money is just as dangerous as Government by organized mob… Never before... have these forces been so united against one candidate as they stand today. They are unanimous in their hate for me – and I welcome their hatred.” – Franklin Delano Roo sevelt, Speech at Madison Square Garden (10/31/36)
Reach down deep and GIVE to those in need …
OF A GOOD DOSE OF POLITICAL SATIRE! Use the form on page 3, or SAVE A BUCK online at www.humortimes.com! HUMOR TIMES
November, 2010
Rising Stars
The Original Home Brew Outlet
The Chilean miners emerged from their deep cocoon...
Finest Fermentation Equipment & Supplies in Sacramento Beer, Wine, Mead, Sake, Cider, Soda & Vinegars
Open 7 Days Classes & Gift Certificates Available (916)
348-6322
5528 Auburn Blvd
into a circus atmosphere...
(Auburn No. of Garfield)
Mon-Sat 10-6 • Sun 10-3 www.ehomebrew.com Got a friend who is depressed by the news? Cheer ’em up with a subscription to the HUMOR TIMES!
and are universally admired.
November, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
11
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
“We Report, You Decry!” God Quietly Blessing Other Nations Too DISSOCIATED PRESS – In a stunning revelation that may shake up the very fabric of American society, His Lordship Almighty God has been quietly blessing nations other than the United States.
A busy day of blessing.
A prevailing belief among many Americans had been that the United States stood alone in receiving His blessing. However, millions of people in the nation of Italy insist that the Divine One regularly blesses their country, while countless Iranians assert that God has blessed them for over 2,000 years. “I really hate to break it you like this, Amer ica,” said Persepolis res i dent Eskandar Nuri. “But God – whatever we might call him – was blessing the great nation of Iran while Jesus Christ was still in diapers.” God, busy blessing the South American country of Peru, was unavailable for comment. Reported by DailyFortnight.com
Checkout Girl HalfHeartedly Wishes You a Nice Day Despite her miserable and apathetic style of cus tomer ser vice, checkout girl Lindsey Bateman half heartedly hopes that you have a nice day and that you c o m e back to Martha’s Foodcare a g a i n soon. Even though Probably would rather be home. she comes across as utterly indifferent to your wel fare, the 17-year-old school-drop-out is still able to find the time to thank you for your payment and wonders whether you would like any help bagging those onions. Though she would ordinarily not be seen dead with the likes of you or your stupid family, she is prepared to exchange cursory words with you as she painstakingly scans a box of eggs that, otherwise, she would not touch in a million years. “89 cents is your change,” she generously, if monotonously, informs you. “We look forward to seeing you again.” Reported by DailyFortnight.com
14
Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Hillary to Become VP; Biden Named Pres. of Afghanistan; Karzai Traded to Vikings Historic three-way swap WASHINGTON – In a three-way swap that may be unprecedented in U.S. history, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is set to become Vice President of the United States, Vice President Joe Biden will become President of Afghanistan, and Afghan President Hamid Karzai will be traded to the Minnesota Vikings. President Barack Obama made the stunning announcement at the White House today, using a PowerPoint demonstration to explain a personnel move that still left many scratching their heads. “I am confident that Hillary and Joe are up to speed and ready to go,” he said. “And I expect Karzai to be in shape by mid-season.” When asked if the complicated swap might confuse voters in advance of the midterm elections, the President said, “I certainly hope so.” If all goes according to plan, Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Biden will assume their new roles effective immediately, while Mr. Karzai is expected to start at wide receiver on November 21st. While many in official Washington were trying to make sense of the stunning announcement, for-
Historic three-way swap.
mer President Bill Clinton gave the threeway swap a thumbs-up: “Ev ery thing about the p h r a s e ‘three-way
swap’ appeals to me,” he said. Journalist Bob Woodward, who was privy to the negotiations behind the swap, said only Mr. Karzai was dragging his feet: “He was concerned that a football helmet would not fit over his precious hat.” Mr. Woodward said he had more inside information about the deal, “but I’m writing about it in a new book, which will be out later this week.” Reached at the Vikings’ practice facility, Minne sota quar ter back Brett Favre said he was “blown away” by the news: “I actually retired this morning, but this changes everything.” Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
Still Unsolved Mystery Surrounds Disappearance of Cartoonist Gary Larson Reports of strange sightings, rumors persist years later Mysterious was the disappearance of Gary Larsen’s good friend Doug Tweedlebum swore Larson, the famed and beloved creator of the pop- that “he was on a secret mission for the governular cartoon series The Far Side. One day a suc- ment spying on the British scientist Jane Goodall cessful, widely popular genius behind one of the in Africa when she had her trained killer ape world’s top selling daily cartoons, Frodo attack him.” the next day missing without a clue. Another neighbor who wishes to Conspiracy theories abound as to remain anonymous stated that he what became of him, but perhaps saw a vis cous look ing gang of no one will ever know the answer. ducks, with cigarettes hanging out Wit ness ac counts vary. His of their mouths and sporting gang neighbor, Carla May Johnson, a tattoos and bling-bling, come up to portly woman with a typical househis door, drag him out, stuff him in wifely hairdo and cats eye glasses the back of a black Cadillac and claims that “buggy eyed aliens with drive off fast. tentacle arms came in a space ship Police attempting to investigate and drug him away!” Photos with Mr. Larson’s disappearance have No one knows but God. what appear to be tentacled aliens been hampered by strange encoungrabbing a hysterical man with nerdy glasses sup- ters with tusked el e phants, UFO’s, bone less port this version of events. chickens, Moby Dick, assorted monsters and, His secretary, Pernacious Dwerby, a heavy set most commonly, talking cows. woman with a beehive style hairdo, whispered If anyone reading this report have any idea scandalously, “I know it for a fact that he was what happened to Mr. Larson, please report them having an affair with a giant female preying man- to this publication. All will be read with great intis named Audrey and after a torrid evening she terest and perhaps some snickering. devoured him!” Reported by Roger Freed, Humor Times
Google Ad Actually Clicked On DISSOCIATED PRESS - For the first time in almost three years, a Google ad was actually clicked on today, increas ing the rev enue of up-and-coming sports blog footballmoment.com by 12 cents. The 300x280-sized ad, promoting Lucozade Sport, reportedly attracted the attention of one of the site’s 58 monthly visitors, who, according to web stats website Google Analytics, spent just 9 seconds on the basic, unprofessionally designed web page, before clicking through to the ad. “We couldn’t believe it,” said Football Moment’s cre ator and chief con trib u tor James Vaughn. “I’ve been updating this blog monthly since 2007, and this is honestly the first time I’ve seen even the slightest hint of a profit. A few more hits and I’ll be able to afford a cup of tea.” The news comes as a welcome relief to the
p a r t - t i m e blogger, who has spent several labo ri ous y e a rs constantly repos i tion ing his Google profit startles blogger. site’s ads, as well as editing their typefaces and background colour in a vain effort to improve his click-through rate. “I’d just about given up on them, to be honest,” continued the 38-year-old salesman. “Hopefully it won’t be as long until our next click.” With Google’s policy of only depositing revenue once a website earns $100, experts predict that, based on his clicks-per-impression ratio, Mr Vaughn will not see a penny of his earnings until about 2,400 years after he has died. Reported by DailyFortnight.com
HUMOR TIMES
To Boost Ratings, CNN Proposes Putting Miners Back One by One NEW YORK – After watching its ratings sag in the aftermath of its wall-to-wall coverage of the Chilean miners’ rescue, CNN today floated the idea of lowering the miners back into the mine in a bid to goose its Nielsen numbers. “Like our viewers, we were riveted by the drama of the miners emerging from that mine,” said recently installed CNN chief Ken Jautz. “We’re willing to bet it would be just about as dramatic to see the miners lowered back into the mine one by one.” While CNN has not yet reached out to the miners in order to gauge their interest in a return visit to the mine in which they Miners: Going down? were trapped for seventy days, “I’ll bet the ones with the mistresses and angry wives would be up for it,” Mr. Jautz said. The executive added that if the miners were unwilling to be lowered back into the mine, CNN did have a Plan B: “We’ll put Spitzer down there.” Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
Palin’s Evolution into O’Donnell Proves Darwin Wrong ‘Theory of Devolution’ proposed OSLO, NORWAY – Two of the theory of evolution’s most vociferous doubters, Sarah Palin and Christine O’Donnell, may be living proof that Darwin was wrong, leading scientists believe. A conference of the most prominent evolutionary scientists in the world has concluded that the apparent evolution of Ms. Palin into Ms. O’Donnell suggests, in the words of Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke of the University of Toky o, “t hat Dar win got it b a c kwards.” “We still Political divas shake up theory. believe that evolution is more than a theory and is, in fact, a very real thing,” said Dr. Kyosuke. “However, in the case of Palin and O’Donnell, it seems to be moving in a reverse direction.” Dr. Kyosuke stunned the conference when he presented his scholarly paper, “Tea Party Politicians and the Theory of Devolution,” in which he studied the so-called “reverse natural selection” at play in GOP candidates for Governor of New York. “If we chart the trend line from George Pataki to Carl Paladino, within fifty years New York might be gov erned by Cro-Magnon Man,” he said. Mr. Paladino did not offer an official response to the scientist’s remarks, but said that he had one hundred aides typing on one hundred typewriters simultaneously to craft a statement. For her part, Ms. O’Donnell today released her official campaign platform, in which she opposes the use of simple tools and the discovery of fire. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
November, 2010
Smells Fishy The genetic engineering industry made a big catch...
Hydrogarden
SUN SY HPS OR STEM Mh400 ST ARTING $
199 00
AT
Hydroponics • Organic Nutrients Indoor Greenhouse Lights & MUCH MORE Largest selection available • Low price guarantee Citrus Heights Hydrogarden 8043 Greenback Lane • 916-728-GROW (4769)
Mystic Gardens 8484 Florin Rd. #110 • 916-381-2464
Grass Valley Hydrogarden 12520 Loma Rica Dr. #3 & 4 • 530-477-2996
Mystic Gardens II 1918 16th St. • 916-447-4769
and we may not even know what we’re getting...
or where it’s all headed.
Enjoy
Vic’s Ice Cream Vic’s ice Cream is a d elicious homemade treat anytime! Enjoy any of d ozens of fabulous flavors! And check out our homemade soups & s andwiches! Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years. Family owned & operated.
3199 Riverside Blvd. Sacramento
448-0892 Also Available at: BURR'S FOUNTAIN
WILLIE’S
4920 Folsom Blvd. Sacramento
5050 Arden Way Fair Oaks
Friends Don’t Let Friends Endure the News Without Great Political Satire… Give the HUMOR TIMES today! November, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
15
Getting Out of the Hole The recession is officially over, we’re told...
but it sure doesn’t feel like it.
Corporations feel vulnerable, and are waiting...
while Congress works on solutions.
We keep hearing about deficits...
16
and the need to make cuts. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2010
As the government works to restore order...
it seems the American Dream has been reduced to chance.
Meanwhile, banks have been cutting corners...
and running a shell game.
But they’ve assured us they’re turning it around... and, besides, now is no time to upset the market.
November, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
17
Family moves into $1 billion home MUMBAI, India – The richest man in India, Mukesh Ambani, has moved into his new home in Mumbai which is 27 stories high and worth more than $1 billion. Ambani, his wife and three children have moved into the building which is named Antilia, after a mythical Island. It contains a health club with a gym and dance studio, at least one studio, a ballroom, guestrooms and a range of lounges and a 50 seat cinema. There is even an elevated garden with ceiling space to accommodate small trees. The roof has three helicopter pads and there is also underground parking for 160 cars, which will come in handy for guests at Ambani’s forthcoming housewarming party.
Dozens report UFO over New York City NEW YORK – A silvery vision of a dozen balloon-like dots hovering in a clear-blue sky over West 23rd Street in Manhattan had thousands speculating the mysterious objects might be UFOs recently. Callers began phoning the NYPD and Federal Aviation Administration at 1:30 p.m. with reports of the strange, silver objects high in the sky. “Some people saw something described as yellow with blue lights surrounding it,” said FAA spokesman Jim Peters. He added that if the objects were weather balloons – as some suggested – his agency had no prior notification they’d be launched. Pete Bryant, 32, said, “I saw five or six lights shining in the sky. There was no way that thing was a balloon. “There was something weird about it. Light just doesn’t reflect off balloons like that. If Martians were to land anywhere, New York is a much better location than some backwoods town in the Midwest.”
Scotland honors Nazi-fighting Polish army bear The accomplishments of the ursine allies of World War II are often overlooked, but not by the city of Edinburgh. They’re building a $318,000 monument to honor “Private Wojtek,” a 500-pound brown bear that served in the Polish Army in the fight against the Axis before retiring to the Edinburgh zoo. “Wojtek” translates to “the happy warrior,” and the bear’s contribution to the Polish military effort was largely non-combative. He was an unofficial mascot for the 22nd Army Corps, providing much-needed entertainment and distraction during brutal desert warfare. But Wojtek’s greatest moment may have come when he voluntarily braved Nazi fire to help soldiers unload artillery shells at the Battle of Monte Cassino in 1944. “Wojtek may be most famous for assisting his fellow soldiers in carrying the shells, but really the value was in the effect his presence had on morale,” said Alan Herriot, the monument’s sculptor.
Teen crashes into center after passing test BRIDGEVILLE, PA – A teenager who just passed his driving test crashed into a state driver license center in western Pennsylvania. The accident happened as the teen was trying to leave the parking lot of a driver license center in the Pittsburgh suburb of Bridgeville. Officials said at least three people were injured, but their injuries were not considered serious. Township police Sgt. Brian Halbleib told the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review that the accident happened when the teen pulled into the parking lot of the driver license center to drop off the man who had administered the test. Halbleib said the teen thought the car was in park but it wasn’t.
Baby born in hotel lobby receives free stays for life DUBAI, United Arab Emirates – The owner of a hotel in Dubai, United Arab Emirates, says a baby born in the lobby will receive free stays at the accommodation for life. Workers at the Grand Midwest Hotel in the Dubai Media City said a Kazakh woman staying at the hotel went into labor and only made it as far as the lobby before the baby boy started to arrive. Ram Chandra Sharma, a bellboy at the hotel, said the woman had been staying at the hotel with her husband and 5-year-old son for about two months. He said the woman sent him to retrieve towels and a bed sheet and the baby was born soon after he gave them to her. Mohammad Arshad Shah, the owner of the group of hotels, said a room will be named after the newborn boy and the family will receive some free nights at the hotel. He said the baby will receive a lifetime of free stays. “I have six children, and this baby also feels like he is part of my family,” Shah said.
This HOLIDAY SEASON, give the gift that keeps on giving all year: The HUMOR TIMES! 18
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2010
Argus Sez Arizona Governor Jan Brewer blasted the Central American countries for joining Mexico in suing Arizona over its new immigration law. The governor got even worse news from Chile. We now have illegal aliens coming from the center of the earth. Chileans sang their national anthem as the last miner was rescued in Chile. It was early morning when the first miner made it to the earth’s surface. When he saw his shadow it meant six more weeks of winter in the Southern Hemisphere. Chilean President Sebastian Pinera expressed gratitude after the miners were all rescued. He thanked U.S. drilling firms, the British prime minister and the Israeli prime minister. He forgot to thank Obama for not banning deep drilling after the accident. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said the NFL will investigate whether it’s true that Brett Favre sex-texted lewd photos to a Jets cheerleader. It’s not likely. No one seriously believes that Brett Favre is young enough to know how to use a camera phone. Brett Favre downplayed retirement talk after elbow tendonitis plagued him during the Vikings’ loss on a Monday night. He’s been playing as long as anybody can remember. Brett Favre is the only player to be drafted by both an NFL team and the Confederate Army. The National Texting Contest was won by a thirteen-year-old girl from Brooklyn recently. She typed the lyrics to Old McDonald in sixty seconds. For winning the texting contest she was awarded fifty thousand dollars and a California driver’s license. Discovery Kids Channel will air a new cartoon series created by DC Comics and Kuwaiti investors about observant Muslim super-heroes. The kids will have to find a new hero after the end of each episode. It’s worse than free agency in Major
ARGUS HAMILTON League Baseball. Ole Miss agreed on the Rebel Black Bear as the school’s new mascot. The struggle between political correctness and Old South emblems was the issue. Neither side would agree to a logo showing Colonel Reb with his fist raised in a Black Power salute. Queen Elizabeth canceled her annual Christmas Ball. It saves only eighty thousand dollars but she won’t be extravagant in hard times. Leave it to the Queen of England to show Democrats how to stay in office for more than four years at a time. Michelle Obama campaigned for embattled Democrats in Wisconsin. She didn’t dare mention her Healthy Food Initiative there. This year the blue ribbon for the tastiest snack at the Wisconsin State Fair was awarded to Fried Cholesterol Medicine. Michelle Obama cast her absentee vote in a Chicago polling place. She then broke Illinois election law by posing with voters at the polls and urging them to pass her husband’s agenda. You’re not allowed to do this in Chicago without money changing hands. China conducted naval war games in the Pacific Wednesday where the ships fired long-range missiles at remote islands. Conservatives are worried. A missile test in the South Pacific could threaten Bikini Island, where Fox News raises TV reporters. Realty Track reported that Nevada had the highest foreclosure rate of any state for the fourth year in a row. The evictions were a shock to people in Nevada. They thought state law required that if you lose enough money you get your room comped.
1221 21st St. Sacramento (Next to Cheap Thrills)
916.455.0514 www.trendsettershair.com a a
Open Saturday 10-2
Statement of Ownership, Management and Circulation Publication Title: Humor Times; Publication Number 025-465; Filing Date 9/23/10; Issue Frequency: Once a month; No. of Issues Published Annually: 12; Annual Subscription Price: $19.95. Complete Mailing Address of Known Office of Publication (same as Headquarters, Publisher, Editor, Managing Editor and Owner): 4208 Norton Way, Sacramento, Sacramento Co., CA 95816-2531; Contact Person: James Israel; Telephone: 916-455-1217; Owner, Publisher, Editor, Managing Editor: James Israel; Known Bondholders, Mortgagees, and Other Security Holders: none; Tax Status: The purpose, function, and nonprofit status of this organization and the exempt status for federal income tax purposes: Has Not Changed During Preceding 12 Months; Issue Date for Circulation Data: October 1, 2010; Publication of Statement of Ownership: Nov., 2010; Extent and Nature of Circulation: General, once a month (12x/year).
a. Total Number of Copies (Net press run): b. Paid Circulation (By Mail & Outside the Mail) (1) Mailed Outside-County Paid Subscriptions Stated on PS Form 3541: (2) Mailed In-County Paid Subscriptions Stated on PS Form 3541: (3) Paid Distribution Outside the Mails: (4) Paid Distribution by Other Classes of Mail: c. Total Paid Distribution: d. Free or Nominal Rate Distribution: (1) Free or Nominal Rate Outside-County Copies included on PS Form 3541: (2) Free or Nominal Rate In-County Copies Included on PS Form 3541: (3) Free or Nominal Rate Copies Mailed at Other Classes Through USPS: (4) Free or Nominal Rate Distribution Outside the Mail: Total Free or Nominal Rate Distribution: Total Distribution: Copies not Distributed: Total: Percent Paid:
November, 2010
Average No. Copies Ea. Issue During Preceding 12 Months 1567
No. Copies of Single Issue Published Nearest to Filing Date 1500
907 14 11 17 949
890 14 0 10 914
9 0 0 562 571 1520 53 1573 .623
12 0 0 0 12 926 574 1500 .987
HUMOR TIMES
R E C Y C L E 19
Miscellaneous Mischief
20
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2010
More Mischief
November, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
21
Still More Mischief
22
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2010
November, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
23
Don’t Miss Out on All the Fun!
SUBSCRIBE!
The Holidays Are Coming! Share the Laughs with Subscriptions! The Gift That Keeps on Giving All Year!
$2 off
any Gift Sub Through Dec. 31, 2010! Simply fill out the form on page 3, note “Holidays” and whether you would like the subscription to start with the December or January issue. A Gift Certificate will be sent to the recipient in your name. Or, you may order online at humortimes.com – use “GiftHT” in the discount code box. (Discount good on U.S. subscriptions only.)
®
Hard copy delivered to your mailbox • Online digital version also available