“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.” – Samuel L. Clemens (aka Mark Twain) Issue #228
December 2010
The News, the Fun Way!
Merely $
(About half th 3 ! a subscriptioat with n!)
Formerly the Comic Press News
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Political Humor for Those Who Are Paying Attention
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HUMOR TIMES
December, 2010
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Humor Times (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 19, Issue 228, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 4208 Norton Way, Sacramento, CA 95820. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95604. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lester, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2010. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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DC Extreme Makeover In a long, spooky election cycle...
Democrats got scared...
and so did voters.
Ghostly entities secretly influenced the election...
leaving citizens nearly helpless...
4
and corporations feeling powerful. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
December, 2010
As voters looked for someone they could trust...
December, 2010
they were pitched impossible promises...
and witnessed bizarre feats of daring-do.
The GOP was confident...
and had a bold plan...
for exercising their new-found power. (continued pg. 7)
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Not the End of the World, but Left in the Dark Not a Post Apocalyptic Wrap Up First things first. This is a post election wrap-up. Not a post-apocalyptic wrap-up. Yeah, the GOP did well. After a change in Administrations, the minority party won a bunch of House seats in the following midterm election. Ho hum. Whoop ti-do. BFD. In itself, this is about as unusual as a piquant odor emanating from the dumpster behind a fish market. Happened to Reagan: 27 seats in 82. To George HW Bush: 31 seats in 1990. Clinton: 54 seats in 1994. Would have happened to George W Bush if Nine Eleven hadn’t gone down the year before. It’s a natural contraction. Democracy’s labor pains. Only the gestation period is a bit longer, the soreness more lingering and felt thousands of miles wider. Like Newt Gingrich before him, John Boehner will discover that conducting the train is different than throwing bottles at the train. Fortunately for him, it’s a train, not a bicycle and he can run right over the broken glass. Because there’s about 2 billion dollars worth of it from untraceable sources lying on the tracks. The GOP’s biggest problem might have been inviting the Tea Party into their house. Its one thing to chuckle at the antics of the red headed stepchildren acting up at the backyard barbecue, and another entirely after they move in and you attempt to carry on a conversation with other adults while they persist on waving pitchforks and torches, poking and scorching the ceiling. “Could you keep it down to a dull roar, please? We’re trying to watch ‘Lobbyist Idol’ here.”
Admittedly the number of seats changing hands this time around was a bit high. North of 60. About 15% of the total lower body. Erasing Democratic gains of ’06 and ’08 combined. But look at the bright side. Ummm. Unh, no. Not that. Wait. Ummm. Okay. Got some. The Democrats can book a smaller banquet room for their Freshman Class Induction Party. No more need to stock up on those 50 pound bags of Blue Dog Chow. Franking costs go way down with shorter Christmas card lists. You could make a good argument the Tea Party is responsible for throwing one House of Congress into the GOP’s column and another out of it. The wrestler’s wife lost. Christine O’Donnell may not be a witch but neither is she a US Senator. Same with Sharron Angle, except for the witch part. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was preordained to lose and to lose bad to any halfway decent opponent. But as luck would have it, he didn’t face one. The red tide seemed to congeal after hitting the Rockies. California, Oregon and Washington avoided the brunt of the anti-incumbent wave. Most likely due to the fact that the weather is nicer, giving Hope and Change a longer shelf life. Don’t be distracted by the parties incessantly trading bipartisan air kisses. Like the handshake before the first round of a prize-fight, it’s simply a ritual and nobody expects any true civility. When the Administration says they want to work with Boehner and McConnell, they do. The way a five year old with a magnifying glass wants to work with ants. Same goes for Repub-
WILL DURST
licans. Sure, they’re offering up an olive branch now, but be real careful; might just be a painted paralyzed asp with the anesthetic timed to wear off on January 8th. Helen Keller’s Mushrooms The precise word to explain this season’s big new trend in campaign financing is obliviousness. Earlier this year, the Supreme Court ruled that everybody is allowed to give as much money as they desire to anybody they choose and absolutely nobody needs to know about it. The upshot of which has all of America knee deep in the oxymoronic spectacle of a very expensive free-for-all. In a flash, We, the People, have become Helen Keller. Blind. Deaf. And Dumb. With an emphasis on the latter. Because nobody cares. La de dah. Makes no difference where these surreptitious tsunamis of decoy dollars are originating from: religious nut jobs, public service unions, defense contractors or foreign benefactors trailing behind them leaky puddles of nuclear radiated waste. Off shore. Under shore. Paulie Shore. Sho nuff is fine. This de-reform has rendered us totally incognizant of which profligate special interest group is spending how much money for what candidate or why or when or where it’s given. And our collective response is to care less than a whale about rain. Orwell was right: Unenlightenment is strength. And with it comes the understanding of what it’s like to be a mushroom. Kept in the dark and fed compost. We revel in the delicious bewilderment of knowing influence peddlers are scurrying around shadowy crevasses like cloaked cash cockroaches and the light switch is broke. What happened was, way back in the bad old days, Nixon committed the cardinal political sin of getting caught abusing campaign funds, so post-Watergate, Congress was shamed into replacing hard money with soft money which slowly turned into liquid money but now the floodgates have opened and that marvelous misty money is morphing into magic money, soon to transform into virtual money until Steve Jobs figures out a way to beam commercials straight into our heads. And if that prospect doesn’t drive you right into downtown Crazy Ville, then you were hitchhiking in its suburbs to begin with. There are plenty of reasons why patrons would want to remain covert. They’re shy. Afflicted with an unsightly rash. Currently enrolled in the Witness Protection Program. Breaking in a new toupee. Still haven’t recovered from that ghastly spill in the Gulf. But few of those excuses contribute to the public interest. We are painfully aware that our politicians are – how do I put this delicately – beholden to certain large contributors. A polite way of saying “hookers with the appetites of hippopotamuses in heat.” But now the ante has been raised higher than a giraffe’s ear. More ghost money means larger favors rewarded with a wider roped off space at the public trough forcing the rest of us to crowd around the short rutted end. Knee-pads are destined to become standard issue behind every Congressional desk. If they aren’t already. The scariest part is, we’re only seeing the tip of the secret donor iceberg and the Ship of State’s wheel has been splintered. If this flood of clouded currency proves successful, there aren’t enough lifeboats in the Pacific Fleet to rescue us from of these perilous waters. So you might want to whip out your shark resistant water wings. Only one thing puzzles me: if ignorance truly is bliss, why ain’t I happier? Will Durst is a San Francisco based political humor columnist who frequently tells jokes. Out loud. On stage.
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December, 2010
DC Extreme Makeover (continued) Meanwhile, Democrats had an uphill battle...
as even their supporters got abused.
They were feeling no love... and were in for an ass-kicking.
But Obama tried to remain positive... and Pelosi jockeyed for position. (continued)
December, 2010
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DC Extreme Makeover (continued) In the end, it wasn’t really much of a race...
and Democrats conceded defeat.
One wonders if anything has really changed, however... or if we’re in for more of the same.
And questions persist... about a fatally flawed electoral system. (continued)
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HUMOR TIMES
December, 2010
So, now the prez has got his hands full...
as Republicans try to right the ship of state.
Many voters regret staying home... and some are still pissed off.
Democrats promise to do what’s right... and the circle goes round and round.
December, 2010
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What They’re Saying Quotes on Issues of the Day Will Bank of America be the first Wall Street giant to once again point a gun to its own head, telling us it’ll crash and burn and take down the financial system if we don’t pony up for another massive bailout? ... With investors valuing BofA at half the worth that the bank claims, it’s one titan of Wall St that may be on the brink of collapse... When the financial crisis hit, those of us who view the free market as more than a hollow slogan urged the government to take over the ailing giants of Wall Street, wipe out their investors, send their parasitic management teams to the unemployment line and gradually unwind the huge pile of “toxic” assets that they’d amassed before selling them back, leaner and meaner, to the private sector. It worked in the past – it was Ronald Reagan’s response to the Savings and Loan crisis of the 1980s. But that was then, and today Reaganite policies are deemed to be “creeping socialism” – thoroughly unacceptable. We were told the banks were too big to fail, and Bush saw eye-to-eye with Republicans and Blue Dogs in Congress and bailed the banks out without exacting a penalty in exchange for the taxpayers’ largesse. They socialized the risk, but the financial industry went right back to its old tricks, paying its execs fat bonuses and playing fast and loose with its accounting... Some experts are saying that if we want to get off the roller coaster of an economy moving from one financial bubble to the next, a bolder approach is necessary: permanent nationalization of banks that can’t survive without public dollars. “Inevitably, American taxpayers are going to pick up much of the tab for the banks’ failures,” wrote Nobel prize-winning economist Joseph Stiglitz last year. “The question facing us is, to what extent do we participate in the upside return?” Stiglitz argued that the government should take “over those banks that can not as sem ble enough cap i tal through private sources to survive without government assistance.” “To be sure, shareholders and bondholders will lose out, but their gains under the current regime come at the expense of taxpayers. In the good years, they were rewarded for their risk-tak ing. Own er ship cannot be a one-sided bet. “Of course, most of the employees will remain, and even much of the management. What then is the difference? The difference is that now, the incentives of the banks can be aligned better with those of the country. And it is in the national interest that prudent lending be restarted,” Stiglitz wrote... Ellen Brown, author of Web of Debt, points to the success of the nation’s only government-owned bank, the Bank of North Dakota. “Last year,” she wrote, “North Dakota had the largest budget surplus it had ever had…and it was the only state that was actually adding jobs when others were losing them.” – Joshua Holland, AlterNet, 11/11/10
The Hightower Lowdown Who’s That Hiding Behind the Tea Party? The tea party spoke! Loudly, powerfully and proudly. But besides, “Throw the bums out,” what did it say? And now that the party part is over and the nasty business of governing begins, what does it all add up to? What’s its governing agenda? How does it make anything positive out of the disparate mish-mash of issue positions within its own rank and file? And then there’s the big one – the huge, grotesque, democracy-choking monster that the party invited into the center of its own movement: corporate money. Throughout the election, tea partiers demurely averted their eyes from this ugly dude, for the monster was lavishing millions of corporate dollars on their candidates. But now, whether they meant to or not, they’ve ensconced it as the unrivaled, controlling power in the new Congress. What will they do as it asserts its selfish interests over theirs, devouring their ideals and their pretension that they are in control? The media establishment insists on referring to the tea party as a “populist” movement – but real populists fight corporate power, they don’t hug it! The party certainly is a popular uprising, and a successful one, but there’s nothing populist about it. Indeed, its leaders and candidates have vociferously opposed the populist ideals of egalitarianism, social justice, cooperative action and the common good. “Shrink the Government” sounds good as a campaign cry, but its substance, as expressed by many of the most prominent teabag nominees and electees, is to kill Social Security, privatize
Medicare and Medicaid, eliminate unemployment compensation, strip away the regulatory reforms on Wall Street’s big banks, undo the EPA and the Education Department, extend the privileged tax breaks of super-wealthy hedge fund speculators, cut food stamps, do away with minimum wage, cripple unions, take away the pensions of public employees ... etc., etc. That’s the anti-populist agenda, one that greatly increases corporate power over the rest of us – and one that the new Republican speaker of the House will quietly and quickly try to advance. To the dismay of most rank-and-file tea partiers, he’ll advance it in their name. For America, this was a sad campaign, containing all the gravitas, substance and forward-looking vision of a Paris Hilton event. The positive was that lots of new energy flowed into these elections. The flow mostly sprang from anger, anxiety and anti-ism (all of which are totally understandable, given our disastrous, jobless economy and the relentless undermining of our middle class). Sadly, however, neither the confused Democrats nor the fused tea party-Republicans even addressed the economic source of the people’s anger and anxiety. Dems mostly said, “Stick with us, for they’re worse,” and Repubs merely retorted, “We’re not them.” This reduced the election to a massive, despicable blitz of TV ads consisting of lies, shame less pan der ing and sil li ness. It was America’s first $4 billion election, with the likes of the Koch brothers, Rupert Murdoch, the Cham ber of Com merce, Karl Rove, Dick
JIM HIGHTOWER Armey and other designers of corporate rule secretively channeling unprecedented, unconscionable (and, I believe, unconstitutional) sums of cash directly from corporate coffers to cre ate a House majority obligated and dedicated to them. Among the saddest results is that instead of throwing the bums out, voters in many cases threw the bums in. One example is Ron Johnson, a multimillionaire plastics manufacturer who is a knee-jerk, right-wing ideologue. He used his own fortune and nearly 3 million from out-of-state corporate front groups to run ugly and defeat Sen. Russ Feingold – a true maverick and one of the genuinely independent and most principled voices in Washington. The tea party says that it is rebelling against big government, just as the Sons of Liberty did in 1773, when they tossed boxes of British-owned tea from three British ships docked in Boston Harbor. But that particular act of defiance was not against the government of King George III. The ships were owned by the British East India Trading Co., a despised corporation that routinely engaged in the economic repression of the colonies. It is the modern extension of this repressive corporate power that today’s tea party groups must confront if they’re going to make any real difference.
We have emerged from the financial crisis with new clarity: Money today is simply credit. When the credit is advanced by a bank, when the bank is owned by the community, and when the profits return to the community, the result can be a functional, efficient, and sustainable system of finance. – Ellen Brown, YES! Magazine, 10/28/10 “Expecting high-end tax cuts to trickle down as job creation is about as reasonable as pouring gasoline on your hood and expecting it to fuel your engine.” – Lew Prince, Managing Partner, Vintage Vinyl, St. Louis
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“We Report, You Decry!” Google Announces Car Key Search Beta You’ll find them in the last place you click SAN JOSE – At a press conference held in front of a TJ Maxx store in San Jose, California, Google announced today a new search tool for lost car keys. The service, an extension of its online query business, joins
Latest Google innovation uses images on file from within your home.
a large cadre of specialized search engines that find everything from square root of 42 to undisclosed vice-presidential locations. “This new tool is more than just a glorified key chain,” said Sergey Brin, Technology President for the prominent dot-com business. “It will let you pinpoint the location of any key for your home, car, or company with the click of a button.” The technology works from the main Google home page through the new “I’m Feeling Locked Out” button. To locate a set of lost keys, Car Key Search Beta needs nothing more than a picture of one of the missing keys. “And for most North American customers, there’s a good chance that we already have that picture on file,” said Deborah del Gato, the lead programmer for the new feature. With this starter image, Google uses its combined collection of Street View and Inside Your House View libraries to digitally scan for the missing item. “Within seconds,” continued del Gato, “your keys will be in hand, and a friendly Google delivery professional will drop by with a page of relevant advertisements. It couldn’t be easier.” Reported by Humorality.com
Bush Publishes ‘I Can Has Prezidensy’ A look at former president’s memoir The Borowitz Report has obtained an advance copy of former President George W. Bush’s memoir, entitled “I Can Has Prezidensy.” Here are some highlights: • The book contains a “Where’s Waldo?” fold out sec tion with WMDs. • Bush says the biggest disappointment of his eight years in office was learning there was no Santa Claus. • The book’s appendix includes a series of connect-the-dot drawings Bush was unable to complete. • Bush on the unfinished business of his presidency: “I never did learn how that neat story about the goat ended.” • Bush’s memoir is a quick read, since 95 percent of it has been redacted by Dick Cheney. • Six months after publication, there will be an English-language version. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
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Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Canada Reports Huge Jump in Immigration FDA Cracks Down Over 55,000,000 requests for citizenship since November 2nd On Food Porn OTTAWA – Canadian immigration officials said. have reported a huge increase in the number of reHe cautioned, however, that it is impossible to quests for Ca na dian cit i zen ship since early know exactly what is sparking the sudden interest November, with more than in America’s frozen neighbor 55 mil lion such in qui ries to the north: “People answerpouring in. Of those 55 miling our immigration hotline lion requests, well over 99.99 say that it is hard to underpercent of them came from stand many of the American U.S. citizens, with a particucallers because they are soblarly large number coming bing uncontrollably.” from residents of Florida and In other news, responding Kentucky. to election results, Rep. John Canadian Foreign Affairs Boehner, R-Ohio, told reHistoric flood of immigrants expected. Minister Lawrence Cannon porters, “I’m so stoked, I just said that he was “flabbergasted” by the 55-mil- turned the tanning bed up to 11.” lion-plus requests for Canadian citizenship, addBut former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin struck a ing that it was difficult to pinpoint the precise more somber note, saying that despite several key reasons for the staggering increase. “My only the- victories, “It was a tough night for tea party voters ory is that after the 2010 winter Olympics, the because it involved so much math.” sport of curling is finally starting to catch on,” he Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
Somali Pirates Refuse to Board Carnival Cruise Ships Cite ‘unsafe working conditions’ MOGADISHU – In yet another public relations setback for the beleaguered cruise ship comp an y, S o ma li pirates today said they would no longer board Carnival Cruise ships, citing “un safe work ing conditions.” “If Carnival thinks that it’s going to be business as usual be tween them and the SoDiscerning pirate. mali pirates, they need to have their heads examined,” said Somali pirate spokesman Sugule. “We Somali pirates may be bold, but we’re not crazy.”The pirate said that the recent fire that crip-
pled the giant cruise ship Carnival Splendor “has sent a shiver through the pirate community.” “We Somali pirates face enough risks without dealing with decks bursting into flames,” he said. “And don’t get me started on the non-functioning toilets.” When asked if the Somali pirates might attempt to board Carnival ships in the future, he responded, “I am telling me hearties that if they were thinking of pillaging a Carnival ship of its booty over the holidays, they should make alternative plans.” Carol Foyler, a spokesperson for Carnival Cruises, said that the company “would be working overtime to win back the pirates’ trust.” In the meantime, Foyler said, Carnival would be unveiling a new slogan in the weeks to come: “Come for the fun, stay for the raging inferno.” Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
Local Man Can’t Decide If Milk Still Okay SACRAMENTO – Reaching into his refrigerator at breakfast this morning, local man Jeremy Marshall was unable to tell whether or not a week-old bottle of 1% low fat milk was still okay. Bravely undoing the top, the 27-year-old Graphic Designer from Sacramento grimaced before reluctantly sniffing the potentially revolting contents of the carton. “I think it smells okay,” he said, taking a second, more confident sniff. “I mean it seems to smell ‘milky,’ but then it kind of also smells a bit like putrid tomatoes. Maybe I shouldn’t risk it.” Placing the milk back in the fridge for someone else to deal with, Marshall turned to his dry, milkless bowl of Wheaties and briefly pondered the notion of eating the wheat breakfast cereal just as it was. But he quickly dismissed that notion, and after
hesitantly removing the carton from his fridge again, Marshall began the slow, nervewracking motion of pouring the milk on his cereal. Milk quandry. “Well, there are definitely no lumps in it, so that’s good,” he said breathing a sigh of relief. “Ah, what’s the worst that could happen, anyway? If I don’t like the first mouthful, I’ll just throw the rest away.” Finally digging up the courage to begin eating, Marshall tried to think about something unrelated as he slowly forced the morning meal into his mouth. “Ugh,” he said, suddenly spitting the food back into the bowl, with a look of utter repulsion fixed upon his sickly pale face. “This cereal is stale.” Reported by DailyFortnight.com
WASHINGTON, DC – The Food and Drug Administration unveiled tough new guidelines today designed to regulate certain provocative food advertisements and programming, widely known in the industry as “food porn.” The new regulations apply to all print, broadcast and cable media, and are to be in effect by January 1st. Supporters of the regulations claim that advertisers and network executives have shamelessly exploited food for long enough. “Some of this programming is extremely graphic and quite dis gust ing.” said Anita Manbadd, Di rec tor of t h e F D A’s Food Por n Abatement Program. “It’s aimed at t h e b a s e st level of human stimulation.” “I n t he end it’s just Food porn: Out of control? false ad vertising.” said Manbadd. “In the real world, nothing tastes that good.” Experts say the entity affected most by the new regulations is The Food Network, who they say have honed food porn into a fine art. “The Food Network is like a 24 hour a day Red Lobster commercial, but sexier,” said Herman Schmaltz, Professor of Gastrointestinal Psychology at Howyflyl University. “Women are drawn to the shows with the huge cakes that are really giant phallic symbols, and once they’ve seen Giada deLaurentiis put a fork full of pasta in her mouth, most men are hooked, too.” Reported by DailyRedundancy.com
Top Medical Experts Agree: Laughter Really Is Best Medicine Humor Times subscriptions recommend as ‘best possible’ gift this holiday season “People who laugh a lot have lower levels of stress and stay healthier,” said medical scientist Robert Schmeidfeld, announcing the results of a new humor study in a press conference today. “And it naturally follows that the better the comedic input, the better the consequent health of the individual.” Schmeidfeld said his study showed that “without a doubt” the strongest remedy of all, “due to its concentrated quality,” would be the Humor Times. “Simply put, Humor Times is the best medicine,” was the independent, completely unbiased conclusion of the study.
Christine O’Donnell Favors Separation of Speech and Thought Came out swinging in last debate WILMINGTON – In a performance that has raised eyebrows in Delaware and beyond, Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell said at a senatorial debate last month that she strongly supports “the separation of speech and thought.” “To tell you the truth, I don’t know if there’s anything about that in the Constitution,” she added. “In the version of the Constitution that I read, Big Bird didn’t mention it.”
O ’ Do n n e l l se e m e d stumped when the moderator asked whether there were any Supreme Court de cisions she disagreed with, finally blurting out, “Ali v. Frazier.” Her halting answers to many of the questions made some wonder why she had not written answers on
HUMOR TIMES
her hand as her role model Sarah Palin has been known to do, but O’Donnell offered this explanation: “As you know, I believe it’s immoral to use your hand to help yourself.” At the conclusion of the debate, O’Donnell pronounced herself pleased with her performance, saying that she would spend the next week concentrating on her Halloween costume: “I’m going as a qualified candidate.” Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
December, 2010
For a slightly different take on the Valerie Plame affair than in George Bush’s book...
Film Review: “Fair Game”
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by Gary Chew I’ve always had a soft spot for movie titles awful that really happened to a married couple that are a statement of pure cynicism. “Fair in D.C.–-are about how news coverage has muGame” is much more than a fair attempt at that. tated over the decades in the good old US, the To take it a step further toward something not latter being a motion picture about actual, tragic serious, covert CIA operative, Valerie Plame consequences for many on either side of the Iraq Wilson was “fair game” for the Bush Adminis- War issue. tration like pre-dawn wake-ups are depicted as In one scene, Plame, after it’s become public “glo ri ous mornshe’s a covert, CIA ings” for Ra chel operative, is quesMcAdams’ Becky tione d by a n in a brand new roIraqi-American m a n t ic c o m e dy phy si cian about about early mornhow Valerie could ing T V n e ws, lie so easily in ortitled, “Morning der to maintain her Glory.” cover. Plame’s reBut nei ther is sponse hints at anthere anything coother im por tant medic nor romanpoint “Fair Game” t i c a b o u t “ Fa i r makes. She tells Game.” There’s the doctor, “You’ve also n ot h i ng got to know why nuan ce d a bo u t you’re ly ing, and “Fair Game.” It’s never forget the just as straightfortruth.” ward in the story it A brief scene of t e l l s o f Va l e r i e B a gh da d s tre e t Plame’s outing as combat depicted in the Bush Administration was obvious taking re- the film caused me to recall the fear and viovenge on former U.S. Ambassador Joseph Wil- lence I remember seeing in “The Hurt Locker,” son (her husband) for his New York Times piece another film for which “attention must be paid.” indicating no yellowcake uranium was up for Rent it, if you haven’t seen it. It won a Best Picsale in Niger in order to sell the American pub- ture Oscar. lic on the 2003 invasion of Iraq. A neat cameo crops up toward the movie’s The film is based on two books, Fair Game end... Sam Shepard shows up playing Sam by Plame, and The Politics of Truth by Wilson. Plame, Valerie’s father, a retired career US Air Doug Limon (The Bourne franchise) directed Force guy. Valerie was a military brat. and the screen play was writ ten by Jez There was one more thing on my mind, going Butterworth and John-Henry Butterworth. in to see “Fair Game.” It was that a majority of Naomi Watts is Plame and Sean Penn ap- moviegoers might avoid it because they’ve pears as Wilson. Both stars bear a striking re- heard so much about Valerie Plame and Joe Wilsemblance to the actual people they play and son, and all the politicians and news people ineach is in top form for the film, as well. volved... and maybe they might be a little bit But, I must be honest up front. I was of a sick of politics, these days. (I couldn’t blame mind, prior to seeing “Fair Game,” that it had a any one for feeling that way.) However, I hope good chance of not being very good. I was “Fair Game” will pack them in. As many Amerwrong. It is very good. It is very specific and ican citizens as possible should to see it. clear about the details of the Valerie Plame AfAs one of my favorite old CBS News reportfair. It moves like crazy. Watch fast, friends. ers was heard to say once about the proliferation And pay attention. “Fair Game,” to steal a of gossip and scandal stories on TV news, “My phrase, is something to which “attention must only solution is to bring back Walter Cronkite be paid.” and start reporting the news again.” And strangely, it ties in with that other movie Roger Mudd is his name. Roger always had a I mentioned in the first paragraph: “Morning direct way about how he communicated with Glory.” Fundamentally, both these films–-one a people. romantic comedy, the other telling something
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Foreclosuregate There’s been some monkeying around by the big banks...
they’re thanking us for the bailout by putting the squeeze on...
and if you’re caught in the mill, there’s no one to help...
Meanwhile, the printing presses are working overtime...
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but they insist they are on top of it.
leaving the downtrodden to get creative on their own.
December, 2010
Battle Fatigue The war continues...
as does the corruption.
Some damning evidence was exposed...
and the military brass was offended.
Meanwhile, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is still in force... although qualified people are still sorely needed.
December, 2010
HUMOR TIMES
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Media Madness The media spotlight turned on itself...
as controversial decisions were made.
Olbermann got in trouble...
for donating to Democrats...
as viewers started to question the reliability of TV news...
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HUMOR TIMES
and its increasing partisanship.
December, 2010
Argus Sez
ARGUS HAMILTON
Homeland Security increased airport security after last month’s terrorist activity. TSA screeners are ordered to pat passengers’ breasts and genitals with an open hand. So far the order has produced five thousand complaints and ten million job applicants. Home land Se cu rity was de nounced by women’s groups over the TSA’s new policy of groping breasts and groins at security gates. Then there’s the inconvenience. The dinner and movie before each pat down is adding hours to the length of every flight. Jeb Bush resisted calls by fellow GOP conservatives to begin fundraising for a presidential run in two years. It would involve a huge amount of work. Jeb Bush has tremendous name recognition, and if he can overcome that, he could get elected president. Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones threatened to cut any player on the team who doesn’t play harder. Getting cut is virtual banishment. Most NFL players who get cut wind up in the CFL where they have great difficulty trying to adjust to Canada’s lack of handguns. The Pentagon couldn’t explain a trail of smoke in the sky indicating a missile was fired over the U.S. from just off the coast of Los Angeles recently. It could only have been launched by an order from Washington D.C... Nancy Pelosi simply refuses to leave quietly. Mel Gib son’s for mer girl friend Oksana Grigorieva was placed under investigation for extortion for taping Mel’s rants with a microphone hidden in a diamond earring and then demanding money. It’s changed dating protocols in L.A. Couples here now wait until the third date before they come home together and go over each other with a security wand.
Holiday Inn finished a billion dollar upgrade to their fourteen hundred hotels recently. It’s a new look. Each room now has plush carpeting, flat screen TV’s, gas fireplaces, luxury bedding and towels that are so thick you can barely shut your suitcase. Speaker Nancy Pelosi threw a party for House Democrats in Washington after the election to applaud her Congress’s legislative triumphs. She rose to become the first woman Speaker. That’s the furthest that anyone in a dress has gotten in Washington since J. Edgar Hoover. John Boehner was urged to abol ish the two-year-old Office of Congressional Investigations. It has referred nine black congressmen to the Ethics Committee. The Congressional Black Caucus begins each meeting with a prayer followed by the Posting of the Lookout. President Obama visited the Mahatma Gandhi memorial in India amid tight security. He wasn’t allowed on the streets of India. The Secret Service agents could have lost their jobs if Barack Obama got trampled by elephants for the second Tuesday in a row. Pres i dent Obama met with the Group of Twenty leaders in South Korea a day after he printed up and released six hundred billion dollars into circulation. The other leaders were puzzled. Guys who do this usually hold their conferences in North Korea. Mike Huckabee agreed to preach a sermon to a family group in Iowa recently. He’s only been sober from running for president for two years. Watching a collection plate go around the room for the benefit of someone else could cause him to relapse and announce.
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Miscellaneous Mischief
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December, 2010
More Mischief
This HOLIDAY SEASON, Give the Gift That Keeps On Giving All Year Long: The HUMOR TIMES! December, 2010
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Man Slams Fleeing Burglar with Pumpkin ALBUQUERQUE, NM – An Albuquerque man took down a man who broke into his house by knocking him out with a giant pumpkin, police said. Albuquerque police said Zack Bridges launched a pumpkin at the suspect at a home near Juan Tabo Boulevard and Copper Avenue. The giant gourd scattered all over the street after it hit the man in the head. When Bridges walked into his home in the afternoon, his place was ransacked, police said. The rob bery vic tim said someone saw the cul prit bolt to an Albertson’s just feet away from his home. Bridges found the other man seconds later. “He pulled a knife on me, and he just started running off, and I could have everything back. He thought I was just going to let him go,” Bridges said. Bridges said he wasn’t going to the let the man get away. He ran after him for about a mile until they ended up on a side street. Then he picked up a giant pumpkin from a nearby back yard and threw it at the man’s head. Bridges said he held the suspect, who officers have identified as Joseph Ortega, on the ground until police arrived. “It felt like it was out of a movie,” Bridges said. “He fell down into the pumpkin, too, and he was spitting up pumpkin.”
Ohio Teacher Accused of Sleeping On Job Fired SANDUSKY, OH – A northwestern Ohio school board is firing a longtime teacher after an investigation concluded she slept in class and repeatedly arrived late. The firing of 72-year-old Carol Smith by Perkins district officials was recommended by a referee in the matter who said her actions were “totally unprofessional” and threatened the safety of her middle and high school students. School board vice president Steve Schuster said Wednesday’s vote to terminate the 34-year veteran teacher followed lengthy deliberations. The Sandusky Register reports students had testified class was “unruly” when Smith was late and that they played computer games when she slept. Smith said she was late a handful of times and denied falling asleep. She testified a condition required her to rest her eyes.
Sex Toy Drive-Thru: Shop to Offer Window Service HUNTSVILLE, AL – Pleasures, a “one-stop romance shop” that challenged Alabama’s ban on sex toys, has a new, unique claim to fame: It will feature three sex toy drive-thru lanes at its new University Drive location. Pleasures owner Sherri Williams said the store will be the first such store in the country to sell adult toys through a drive-thru window. Williams and her store drew national attention during a long legal fight that sought to overturn Alabama’s ban on sex toys on the grounds of a constitutional right to privacy. The Alabama Supreme Court last year upheld the ban – part of an anti-obscenity law passed in 1998 – after hearing a case brought by an adult store in Hoover. Williams said Alabama is the last state in the U.S. to have a sex toy ban. But Alabama law also makes an exception to the ban on the sale of items designed for the “stimulation of human genital organs” if the sale was for “a bona fide medical, scientific, educational, legislative, judicial or law enforcement purpose.” Williams said customers cannot purchase a sex toy unless they fill out a medical questionnaire describing the health-related reasons for their purchase.
Turkeys Terrorize New York Neighborhood NEW YORK – Seemingly in revenge for the upcoming Thanksgiving slaughter of turkeys, residents of a New York neighborhood said aggressive turkeys are terrorizing the area. Locals in the Ocean Breeze neighborhood said the fowl have been blocking traffic, filling their yards with droppings and even trapped resident Gina Guaragno in her car for a short time before she splashed them with window washing fluid. Residents said the turkey trouble began about 10 years ago after a woman released her nine pets, and the state Department of Environmental Conservation estimates there are now about 100 of the wild birds in the neighborhood. City Councilman James Oddo said many area seniors have told him they are afraid to leave their homes. He said officials balked at a plan he forwarded two years ago to move the turkeys upstate. “How are people supposed to have faith that their government can deal with problems like terrorism when we can’t even deal with turkeys?” Oddo said.
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December, 2010
December, 2010
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