Humor Times, Jan. 2011

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Einstein Issue #229

January 2011

EXTRA! EXTRA! LAUGH ALL ABOUT IT! Formerly the Comic Press News

Merely $

(About half th 3 ! a subscriptioat with n!)

®

Political Humor: For Those Who Are Paying Attention

00

2

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2011

Editor’s Rant As we go to press, the U.S. Senate is expected to be voting on the tax deal the Obama made with Republican leaders. The majority of people are upset at the possibility that the tax cuts for the rich enacted by Bush will be extended. It’s not hard to understand why they’re upset.

With the economy in a shambles in large part because of the shenanigans of the major banks and Wall Street (the very sort of people who make up the upper class), most people, myself among them, figure they don’t deserve to keep their tax cut.

Oh, yeah, I know, I’ve heard the refrain: “In times like these, we need to free up more money for the rich so they can create jobs. After all, the poor aren’t going to be hiring.” But the thing is, they’ve had this lower tax rate for eight years now, if they were going to use it to hire more people, they would’ve been doing that.

I have no sympathy for the whiners at the top, who will simply be going back to the tax rates of the Clinton era – and they were all doing pretty well back then as I recall.

Besides, it’s time that the well-off gave something back to the country that provided their prosperity. Incomes at the top have been growing astronomically, with barely a blip caused by the recent economic meltdown.

The pain has been disproportionately felt by the lower 90%, certainly not by the top 2% – the only ones that would be affected by the return to higher tax rates.

Many millionaires and billionaires who actually still have a conscience are fine with the return to Clinton-era tax rates, and are saying so publically. They know the value of a strong economy, even to their own interests. Only short-sided greed mongers are fighting this, with the help of their handmaidens in Congress (who reap the rewards of their true “constituents” come campaign time).

There is a popular uprising of support for the Democrats in the House trying to undermine this giveaway to the rich, but whether it will work or not, we don’t know at the time of this writing.

But one thing I do know: Mr. Obama ought to work harder for the people that elected him, instead of doing all he can to get himself into the good graces of the Republican party. It’s a rather pathetic display of groveling, and it’s not even productive. It certainly is not helping his chances of re-election.

– James Israel, Publisher/editor

CHECK US OUT ONLINE! Our website is www.humortimes.com, our Facebook page is at www.facebook.com/HumorTimes (fan us!), and we tweet at twitter.com/humortimes.

IF YOU SUBSCRIBE to the Humor Times, you may log in to your account (use the link at humortimes.com, under mailbox graphic on the upper left), and view the six most recent issues, in PDF or “Flip page” format. The online edition features color on every page. Enjoy!

Happy New Year!

Snowpack = Whitewater Spring Discounts NOW! Groups receive additional incentives with deposits before January 20th!

Surf raftwet.com

to our website

for special discounts!

E R R I V

1.888.RAFTWET

P S T R I

Be our fan! facebook.com/wetrivertrips Follow us! twitter.com/wetrivertrips

Califor nia Stage presents “The Fever” offers an intimate tour of the tortured consciousness of an angst-ridden, wellto-do American. The single actor in these solo scripts is Jerry Levy, who has been teaching sociology at Marlboro College in Vermont and been acting with the Actors’ Theater of Brattleboro since he moved there from Chicago in 1975.

“Marx in Soho” has a unique central theme: H e a v e n ’ s bureaucracy allows Karl Marx, more than a century after his death in 1883, to return to Earth to the place where he spent most of his adult life, namely London’s Soho.

The bureaucracy makes a mistake, however, and he finds himself in New York’s Soho and in front of an audience to boot.

Both productions are fundraisers for the Women’s International Organization for Peace and Freedom.

“Marx in Soho” will play January 12 &13 at 8PM / “The Fever” will play January 14 &15 at 8PM.

California Stage • 2509 R Street, midtown Sacramento aa Easy free parking available • Reservations: 916-451-5822 • www.seeaplay.com

THE HUMOR TIMES BLOG can be found at humortimes.blogspot.com and we blog our original Humor Times “Faux News” stories at humortimesfauxnews.blogspot.com (but only after the printed publication has been our for a few weeks).

GOT YOUR OWN RANT? We’re sure you have your opinions too, so please visit our online Humor Times Forum at humortimes.com/forum/ and have your say. Discuss issues with other Humor Times readers, or feel free to rant about whatever’s on your mind!

Enjoy

Vic’s Ice Cream $1 • SAVE A BUCK by entering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $1

Vic’s ice Cream is a delicious homemade treat anytime! Enjoy any of dozens of fabulous flavors! And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches!

ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!!

Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years. Family owned & operated.

Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $33.95 24 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $65.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $50.95 12 issues/PDF download. . . . . $9.95 Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________

Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a

Or use your: p Discover

p Visa

p Mastercard

p American Express

Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)

Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________ (Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-455-1217.)

January, 2011

448-0892 Also Available at:

If a gift, your name: ________________________________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $19.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $36.95 36 issues (3 years). . . . $53.95 Please Check if RENEWAL

3199 Riverside Blvd.

Sacramento

BURR'S FOUNTAIN

WILLIE’S

4920 Folsom Blvd.

Sacramento

5050 Arden Way Fair Oaks

Humor Times (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 20, Issue 229, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 4208 Norton Way, Sacramento, CA 95820. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95604.

Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217.

Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lester, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others.

Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2011. No part may be reproduced without permission.

HUMOR TIMES

3

Freedom Gropes & Scans The prez says he’s not overly concerned...

and others are quite pleased...

People are beginning to question authority...

but most are more circumspect.

wondering why America should be so paranoid...

4

and looking for something to do about it. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2011

Flyers come out feeling violated...

and are looking for creative solutions...

The Original Home Brew Outlet Finest Fermentation Equipment & Supplies in Sacramento Beer, Wine, Mead, Sake, Cider, Soda & Vinegars

Open 7 Days Classes & Gift Certificates Available (916)

348-6322

5528 Auburn Blvd (Auburn No. of Garfield) Mon-Sat 10-6 • Sun 10-3 www.ehomebrew.com

because things are getting a little freaky.

OMNETWORKS A Complete Internet Solution WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3

Technical Support WWW.OMSOFT.COM • 530-758-0119 Don’t Keep It All to Yourself – Give the HUMOR TIMES! The gift that keeps ‘em laughing all year long!

January, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

5

The Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2010 Please be advised: the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2010 are not to be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2010. They are as different as Lasagna and asphalt. Ear wax and linoleum. A lunch wagon sink trap and nuclear lab clean rooms. Toe shoes and track cleats. Christian Science Ministers and health insurance seminars.

Sure, sure, there were more serious stories involving death and destruction and devastation o’plenty, but we tend to concentrate more on those narratives that offer a break from the tension. That allows us to view the desolation from the lighter side of the vast dark chasm. Like when Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Elena Kagan and the Chilean miners were disrupted by the Icelandic Volcano from attending the World Cup. A worthy account yes, but alas, not esteemed enough for our list. So here they are, the stories from 2010 that most lent themselves to joshing and kidding and ribbing.

10. Dick Cheney’s 6th heart attack. How does a guy without a heart have 6 heart attacks? It would be like Rod Blagojevich contracting a brain tumor. Cheney is so evil, Hell keeps spitting him back.

9. Barack Obama. True to his word, the 44th President managed to unite the country. Against him. Although, the two sides do view him through different prisms. The right sees him as Malcolm X. The left- Urkel.

8. Christine O’Donnell. Delaware Senatorial candidate claimed she’s not a witch. Then the local Wiccan community de-

nied having anything to do with her. Which probably didn’t lead above the fold on her election eve mailer.

7. California Gubernatorial Candidate Meg Whitman. A Jerry Brown staffer called her a “ho” and she went ballistic. “Its an insult to all women.” Nooooo, we’re pretty sure it was specific to you. Spends more than a seventh of a billion dollars on her campaign and still cuts her hair with a salad shooter. Go figure.

6. Glenn Beck. Attempts to reclaim the civil rights movement by holding a rally on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Because isn’t it about time angry middle aged pudgy white guys got a fair shake from society?

5. Health Care. 2700 pages long. Or 2900. They’re still not sure. Lot of stuff can happen in 200 pages. I’ve read Harry Potter.

4. The TSA’s new search policy. Just direct me to the agent who didn’t volunteer for the gig.

3. Sarah Palin. At Tea Party Convention she criticized Obama for over dependency on a Teleprompter while she had notes written on her hand. Which is a 5th grade teleprompter for people who can’t read fast. Every two weeks there’s something with her. Every two weeks, she erupts. She’s like Republican herpes. And I mean that in a good way.

2. George W Bush’s Autobiography. Decisions Decided by the Deciding Decider. Wherein he talks about how glad he is to be out of Washington. That makes about 310 million of us. Online campaign urges customers to transfer book from Non Fiction to True Crime.

WILL DURST

1. BP Oil Spill. Largest pile of toxic sludge to hit American shores since Ann Coulter’s latest book. Brightside: Able to refuel jet ski midtrip.

Don’t Taze My Junk, Bro One thing you can say about this whole TSA enhanced pat down mess: nobody will ever board Virgin Airlines again without ruefully grimacing. Folks are flipping out like wolverines bouncing off of submarine trampolines over new regulations requiring a prospective flier to submit to having his or her naughty bits exposed for all the world to see, or else agree to a groinal groping that would have our ancestors’ fathers brandishing shotguns outside of rural chapels or contemporary school children showing Federal Marshalls on the doll where the nasty agent put his hands.

“Bad touch. BAD TOUCH!” Most troublesome is not the compelling of passengers to slide into second base with complete strangers but rather the suspicion these decisions are being made on the fly with little forethought.

Flight crews are subjected to the same sub rosa muggings. Face it, you and I, we don’t know nothing, but even we can figure out pilots don’t need explosives up their butt to bring down an aircraft when a second double bourbon at the airport bar will suffice.

Equal representation under the glove would also be nice. VIPs are exempt from screening, but nobody will divulge who qualifies as a VIP. That’s classified. Isn’t everything? We’re in the thick of classified creep. How long before it’s illegal for civilians to videotape pat downs due to “national security” – the federal equivalent of “Because I said so, that’s why.” Not to mention arresting so-called comedians for talking trash. “Don’t taze my junk, bro.”

The recent bleating from the front lines of the security wars is an indication the natives are restless. Business travelers have tired of securing our safety through their captive inconvenience. Then again, 50% of the people experiencing the procedure are in favor of it. Must be part of that large segment of society that enjoys having their inner thighs pawed and genitals, butts and breasts felt up.

Me, not so much. I’ve had less intimate fifth dates.

The flying experience is in the throes of a death spiral, from the evaporation of our nuts and pillows and checked baggage to shedding shoes and surrendering fluids and providing peeks under our underwear to being frisked like common criminals.

Where does it stop? What happens when some flippo-unit tries to blow something up with zipper shaped plastique? Will only the Amish fly? A single button bomb could result in us all wearing robes and then the terrorists do win.

How soon before we add body cavity searches to the casual molestations in our pre flight check-lists? Precipitating few outcries even when the airlines try to make some extra coin by piggy backing prostate exams. In the meantime, we fly the overly friendly skies and do whatever they want of us cattle and sheep: bend and cough and walk a little funny and act like nothing happened. More static and drool.

Hey, just direct me to whichever TSA screener didn’t volunteer for the job. And no ex-priests if you please. I might even wriggle and giggle and blush and bloom and slip the man attached to the blue rubber glove a card. They’re intent on creeping us out, why not return the favor? One last question: are we supposed to tip, or only if there’s a happy ending? Least they could do is provide a well-ventilated room for a post-encounter cigarette.

Will Durst is a San Francisco based humor columnist who frequently tells jokes. Out loud. On purpose. In front of people. Who laugh. Ideally.

6

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2011

Privacy Issues Suddenly Paramount The WikiLeaks revelations were a stain on the U.S...

and an embarrassment to many.

So authorities got right on the case... and are resorting to tried & true methods.

Priorities need to be sorted out... and who knows, maybe there’s a bright side.

January, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

7

The Art of Compromising (Yourself) Republicans were adamant... and had the facts to back it up.

They were responding to Americans in need, they said... and working hard for their constituents.

Obama saw it differently than other Dems... reaching out to work with the new Congress. (continued)

8

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2011

Obama made a U-turn on his previous stance...

Hydrogarden

SUN SY HPS OR STEM Mh400 ST ARTING $

199 00

AT

Hydroponics • Organic Nutrients Indoor Greenhouse Lights & MUCH MORE Largest selection available • Low price guarantee Citrus Heights Hydrogarden 8043 Greenback Lane • 916-728-GROW (4769)

Mystic Gardens 8484 Florin Rd. #110 • 916-381-2464

Grass Valley Hydrogarden 12520 Loma Rica Dr. #3 & 4 • 530-477-2996

Mystic Gardens II 1918 16th St. • 916-447-4769

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care.

Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment.

Acupuncture • Mercury-Free Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing .

but now he’s feeling burned.

Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle.

We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing , transformation and peace on our planet.

Advertise in the Reach an intelligent, good-humored audience with good incomes!

Our readers make wonderful, loyal customers. And you don’t have to spend a fortune to get your message in front of them!

All ads are 20% OFF when you mention this notice!

Call 916-455-1217 or email info@humortimes.com for more info. Deadlines are the 15th of the month preceding.

Humor Times, P. O. Box 162429, Sacramento, Ca 95816 Meanwhile, economic forecasts remain icy.

AMFlood.com 888-333-1280

• Lowest Flood Insurance Rates • Free Flood Zone Determination • Flood Insurance Nationwide • Talk with a Flood Specialist • Residential, Commercial & Condo • Call Today for a Free Quote Brighten up somebody’s humor-deficient life – Give the HUMOR TIMES! The Gift that keeps on giving all year long!

January, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

9

What They’re Saying Quotes on Issues of the Day Obama says it is the terrorists’ fault, not the government or their corporate accomplices. If the terrorists would just surrender then all of this would be unnecessary. Remember, “they hate us for our freedoms,” so we have to put those freedoms through a full body scanner and a little fondling before we lock them away for safekeeping.

Obama is... a company man offering pre-packaged solutions, like one of those pharmaceutical TV commercials that describe an ailment you’ve never heard of and never thought about, but for a price, you can be cured of if you just ignore all the fine print and long list of lethal side effects.

The former head of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff, turns out to represent some of the scanner companies via his lobby firm, the Chertoff Group. Is he or his company one of the “experts” Obama consults with on these matters?...

Mr. President, you might reconsider your reaching across the aisle mantra, because the only hand reaching back keeps grabbing America by the balls. And it doesn’t feel good.

But hey, it is a free-market system and if you can make money off fear and loathing and war – you’re creating jobs and investing in the real American dream. And that’s what is important, not small things like privacy and individual rights. Right?

– John Cory, Reader Supported News, 11/23/10 Frightened by joblessness, the American people rewarded the party that not only opposed the stimulus but also blocked the extension of unemployment benefits. Alarmed by a ballooning national debt, they rewarded the party that not only transformed budget surpluses into budget deficits but also proposes to inflate the debt by hundreds of billions with a permanent tax cut for the least needy two per cent. Frustrated by what they see as inaction, they rewarded the party that not only fought every effort to mitigate the crisis but also forced the watering down of whatever it couldn’t block.

– New Yorker’s Hendrik Hertzberg So far as the Internet is concerned, First Amendment protections here in the U.S... appear to have no purchase or even acknowl edged stand ing. Even be fore the WikiLeaks hysteria took hold, the situation was very serious... Over the Thanksgiving holiday, Homeland Security – along with Immigration and Customs Enforcement, the Justice Department and the National Intellectual Property Rights Coordination Center – seized more than eighty websites... accused of copyright violations. No hearing.

Alive one minute, dead the next.

So here we have a public “commons” – the Internet – subject to arbitrary onslaught by the state and powerful commercial interests, and not even the shadow of constitutional protections. The situation is getting worse. The net itself is going private. As I write, Google and Facebook are locked in a struggle over which company will control the bulk of the world’s Internet traffic. Millions could find that the e-mail addresses they try to communicate with, the sites they want to visit... can be closed off without explanation or redress at any time.

Here in the U.S., certainly, we need a big push on First Amendment protections for the Internet: one more battlefield where the left and the libertarians can join forces. [But] we must also challenge the corporations’ power to determine the structure of the Internet and decide who is permitted to use it.

Al ex an der Cockburn, truthout.org, 12/10/10

10

The Hightower Lowdown Corporate Flimflammers in Our Communities and Congress The signature phrase of America’s booming good food movement has been expanded from “organic” to “local and sustainable.”

Good! The phrase suggests great quality, strong environmental stewardship and a commitment to keeping our food dollars in the local economy. If you support the local-economies movement, as I do, no doubt you’ll be thrilled to hear that a new, local food store is coming soon to your neighborhood. In fact, it’s even named Neighborhood Market.

Only, it’s not. It’s a Wal-Mart. Yes, the $400-billion-a-year retail behemoth, with 2 million employees laboring in 8,500 stores spread around the globe, now is putting on a “local” mask. The giant is promising to buy 9 percent of the produce it’ll sell from local farmers. Big whoopie. This means that 91 percent of the foodstuffs offered in its “Neighborhood” chain will come from Wayawayland. Wal-Mart is to local what near beer is to beer. Near beer is not beer ... and Wal-Mart is not local.

But even the 9 percent number is a deceit, for Wal-Mart says that it defines “local” as grown in the same state. Excuse me, but in California, Florida, Texas and other such sizable states, that can be a mighty long truck-haul away. Not exactly what us locals would call “local.”

As for being sustainable, Wal-Mart is bragging about a billion-dollar investment it’ll make to shrink its environmental footprint a bit.

That’s a nice gesture, but come on, this outfit

has humongous feet that bestride the whole world, and even a billion bucks won’t shrink that footprint. Also, it’s made no commitment to organic production, nor did it rule out peddling genetically engineered Frankenfoods as part of its “sustainability” gimmick.

Who does Wal-Mart think it’s fooling? It’s not coming to our neighborhoods to be local and sustainable, but to drive out our homegrown enterprises and extract profits from our own communities.

Flimflamming seems to be the favorite corporate sport these days, even by outfits that pose as ethical paragons. For instance, if you Google Google, you might learn that this Internet powerhouse once proudly promised to do no evil.

In CorporateWorld, however, ethics are often discarded like an old suit that no longer fits.

Thus, this $24-billion-a-year, do-no-evil corporation is now a voracious tax-dodger.

A Bloomberg News reporter reveals that Google transfers a big chunk of its annual profits to a subsidiary in Ireland. Then, prior to tax time, Google funnels these profits into a shell corporation in the Netherlands, from which they are bounced into yet another shell corporation in Bermuda. It’s not natural beauty that draws Google to the islands, but the fact that Bermuda assesses no taxes on corporate profits.

Bottom line: Google escapes paying a billion dollars a year that it ethically owes in U.S. taxes.

Meanwhile, such computer powers as Cisco and Oracle are lobbying furiously to reprise a

JIM HIGHTOWER tax flimflam that multinational corporations pulled on us during the George W. Bush regime.

They were allowed to pay a mere 5 percent tax rate on profits they had stashed abroad – in exchange for pledging to invest this money in American factories and jobs. They got their tax break, then reneged on their job-creation promise, with many corporations actually grabbing the giveaway while firing employees.

Now, they’re demanding another tax holiday in return for bringing home a trillion dollars in profits they’ve squirreled away in foreign tax havens. Amazingly, like rubes at a medicine show, Republicans in Congress are swallowing this same old snake oil, pushing legislation to let super-rich corporations do it to us again.

Before GOP leaders give in, they should recall the words of George W., the guy who enabled the first scam. “Fool me once, shame on – shame on you,” he said. “Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.”

Of course, it’s us taxpay ers who’ll get shafted by this corporate tomfoolery.

“Unless you become more watchful in your states and check the spirit of monopoly and thirst for exclusive privileges you will in the end find that… the control over your dearest interests has passed into the hands of these corporations.” – Andrew Jackson

Reach down deep and GIVE to those in need …

OF A GOOD DOSE OF POLITICAL SATIRE! Use the form on page 3, or SAVE A BUCK online at www.humortimes.com!

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2011

Cleaning House

The Prez

Rangel was censured...

Obama needed to get away, but didn’t have much fun...

adding to a chilly month for him. in a move to clean House...

but Pelosi kept her position atop the Dems.

January, 2011

Meanwhile, he’s adapting to “real change.”

HUMOR TIMES

11

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Bill Clinton Spends Holiday Weekend in Airport Security Line, Misses 8 Flights NEW YORK, NY – Passengers at JFK airport were surprised to see a familiar face Thanksgiving weekend as they made their way through airport security. Former President Bill Clinton spent the entire weekend in line, reportedly to ensure the new airport security inspection procedures were implemented effectively.

Clinton aides said the for mer President missed a total of 8 flights to his home state o f A r k an s as , choosing instead to personally go through the security line repeatedly each day.

Clinton “feeling fine.”

He re quested a pat down dozens of times, appearing to be in very good spirits through the weekend.

“I know there are a lot of people concerned about the enhanced security techniques,” said the former President. “Well, I’m here to tell you that they are nothing short of delightful. Especially if you go with the pat down option and are lucky enough to get TSA Inspector Brenda. She has the hands of an angel.”

Clinton also made time to spend several hours observing the new enhanced body scanning screens. “It is fabulous technology,” he reported. “To think that my boyhood and adult dream of using X-ray specs finally came true!”

Clinton also remarked on how travelers seemed to be taking the new measures in stride. “Whether it was that cute coed on her way home to Mobile, Alabama who just got herself a couple of fun little private area piercings, or any other passenger – everyone seemed pretty cool. And, by the way, your former President thanks you for that.”

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

Best Plagiarized Lines from Bush’s Book The Decider becomes The Rewriter It has been reported that entire sections of George W. Bush’s memoir Decision Points were plagiarized from books by former aides. Here are the best-plagiarized lines: T h e y we r e betterer times, they were worserer times.

The past is a foreign country; we need to blow it up.

Are you there, Sa tan? It’s me, George.

Midway through the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood, because I was shitfaced.

A girl got a pet goat. She liked to go running with her pet goat.

All children, except one, grow up.

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to do is talk to Cheney.

My momma always said life was like a jar of fetus.

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

14

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

In Latest Compromise with GOP, Desperate Obama Announces White Obama Agrees He Is a Muslim Place of birth next on list for Boehner But Mr. Obama’s willingness to back down on House Foreclosure WASHINGTON – In his latest effort to find his claim of being a Christian does not seem to common ground with Republicans in Congress, have satisfied his Republican opposition, as GOP President Barack Obama said today that he was leader John Boehner today insisted that the President must also agree that he was born in Kenya. willing to agree that he is a Muslim.

While Mr. Obama did not imDifferences over his religious mediately agree to Boehner’s ori en ta tion have been a sore demand, he hinted that another point between the President and compromise might be in the offRepublicans for the past two ing: “My place of birth has been, years, but in agreeing that he is a and will always be, negotiable.”

Muslim Mr. Obama is sending a White House sources indiclear signal that he is trying to cated today that the President find consensus. might be willing to meet the “The American people do not want to see us fighting in Wash- Obama makes historic agreement. GOP halfway on his birthplace ington,” Mr. Obama told reporters at the White and say that he was born in the middle of the AtHouse. “They want to see us working together to lantic Ocean.

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate improve their lives, and Allah willing, we will.”

Boehner to take the keys

WASHINGTON – It was announced today that The White House has undergone foreclosure, with President Obama relinquishing control to Republican House Leader John Boehner.

The sale comes following November’s election, which saw the Democrats lose control of the House of Representatives. In light of the White House’s rapidly declining market value,

US Transfers Airport Security from TSA to TMZ Gossip site ‘less invasive,’ homeland chief says WASHINGTON – Amid growing public outrage over the conduct of airport security in the U.S., the Department of Homeland Security today transferred all responsibility for screening passengers from the TSA to TMZ, the popular celebrity gossip website.

In announcing the change, Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano said, “We believe that TMZ can do the same job that TSA did, but they’ll be less invasive and more respectful.”

Effective immediately, TSA personnel will be replaced at the nation’s airports by camera-wielding TMZ paparazzi who will attempt to take the most revealing photos of passengers possible.

Additionally, TMZ said it would expand the so-called Homeland Security “watch list” to include such celebrities as Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, and Mel Gibson.

“For years, TMZ cam eras have been trained on celebrities’ underpants, whether TMZ to contract with TSA. they’re wearing them or not,” said TMZ founder Harvey Levin.

“It’ll be just another day at the office.”

Mr. Levin said that he hoped the airport assignment could lead to a larger national security role for TMZ: “If we used the same energy we put into spotting Jake Gyllenhaal with Taylor Swift, we’d have bin Laden by now.”

In other national security news, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called WikiLeaks “the most serious invasion of privacy since Facebook.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

Catholic Priests to Provide Security Checks for Kids at Airport Check-in Lines ‘Happy to provide this community service,’ say priests LOS ANGELES INTL AIRPORT – As a response to the uproar over airport security measures, a group of American Catholic priests has offered up their services to the U.S. Transportation Security Adminstration (TSA). Priests will be on hand to provide security check-in for children at the nations airports.

“This is a win-win situation,” said Father Thad O’Connell. “Though we like to stay away from controversial political issues, the Church is proud to serve our country when needed. Especially when that service is to be provided to young boys.

The youngsters are probably a little nervous to be traveling in the first place, and I think the warm smile and tender hand of a priest will make things go much smoother.”

Despite doubts by some because of church

scan dals in volv ing chil dren, the new priestly security teams insist they are ready to do the job.

“Make no mistake,” said Fa ther Blaine Winchester. “There Priests “a natural fit.” will be no stone left unturned as we pat down these young travelers.

Airline safety will never be in doubt, which, by the way, is not a reference to the movie ‘Doubt,’ which was a complete fabrication.”

The priests will operate in small, confession booth sized cubicles just off of the main airport security lines.

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

‘The Dick’ Cheney to Star in Remake of ‘Dr. Strangelove’ Dick Cheney will be returning to the world spotlight, as he has taken his first film role – reprising the unforgettable Peter Sellers role of Dr. Strangelove in a remake of the movie.

Sellers made cinematic history as the wheelchair bound, ex-Nazi atomic physicist who had a problem trying to keep his right hand from making the “Heil Hitler” salute. Cheney, considered a natural for the role, is reported to have needed few acting lessons to ‘become’ Strangelove.

The major difference between the Sellers rendition and the ex-Vice President’s is that the Cheney version will be without humor. When asked why he chose to play it that way, Cheney replied, “I’m such a great fit for the role, I don’t need to hide behind cheap laughs.”

A second part, that of the hyper American General so brilliantly payed by George C. Scott, was given to another former Bush crony who is also making his acting debut – Karl Rove. When

HUMOR TIMES

White House to be foreclosed on.

Obama has been forced to foreclose the Washington-based 44-bedroom property.

“When I first took possession two years ago,” said the president. “I guess I fell for the low teaser rate, figuring the economy would turn around before the escalator clause kicked in. Sadly, things haven’t turned out that way.”

Currently, the outstanding debt on The White House is close to $14 trillion with annual interest payments of over $400 billion. With a market value somewhat less than that, it made “no practical sense to hang on.”

“So long as Congress was willing to keep passing my budgets and give me a break on monthly payments,” said Obama. “I figured I could tough it out at least until 2012. But now that the Republicans control the House, I don’t think they’re going to bail me out.”

Not want i ng t o get st uck wi t h an underperforming asset, however, the Republican leadership is reportedly looking to unload the White House in a fire sale as soon as possible. Real estate stagers have already removed trillions of dollars of visible debt and installed softer lighting to hide some of the more glaring deficits.

Barring a quick sale, Boehner and his colleagues are looking into the possibility of bundling the White House mortgage with other sub-prime mortgages to help mitigate their risk.

“So long as Obama’s name was on the title,” said Boehner. “We were quite happy to let him take the blame for the huge financial shortfall.

Luckily, no one seemed to remember the previous eight years that led to all this.”

Republicans are hoping to attract a buyer for the White House in the coming months, while interested prospective purchasers reportedly include China, Japan and Sarah Palin.

Reported by DailyFortnight.com asked if he would attempt to reprise Scott’s courage, valor and toughness, Rove replied smugly, “Courage, valor and toughness? Who needs that in this high-tech age? Get real.”

Filming has almost wrapped up. George Bush will have a cameo as the Slim Pickens character who falls out of a bomber on top of a nuclear device and rides it cowboy style to its earthly Russian destination. Bush choose the role because it was the only one that allowed him to wear a cowboy hat and not have to remember any lines.

Reported by Roger Freed, Humor Times

January, 2011

Can’t Teach an Old Dawg John McCain is soldering on...

in his quest to keep the army straight...

as proponents of repeal look for new strategies.

Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without …

Give the HUMOR TIMES today!

January, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

15

Nuclear Family

Nuclear Madness Repubs are all about keeping us safe, they say...

North Korea is being pampered by China...

while Kim the younger tests his boundaries.

but they’re playing Russian-Roulette style politics...

And as daddy lays in the hospital, the world holds its breath.

16

HUMOR TIMES

and the country may be doubting its electoral decisions.

January, 2011

Deficient Deficit Deduction The Deficit Commission offers tough love...

but both parties have reasons to reject it.

We all agree sacrifices will need to be made...

and everyone will have to help.

But some don’t really get the “shared” part... so it’s on into the abyss we ride.

January, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

17

Democracy, USA Style

Good Will Hunter

The media is in love with its elections coverage...

Sarah Palin sees herself as the anointed one...

but it’s missing the real story..

and she’d kill for good ratings...

as gridlock rules the day. but she may be a bit overexposed at this point.

18

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2011

Argus Sez WalMart announced Tuesday it will partner with Homeland Security to help battle against domestic terrorism. Over six hundred stores will participate. Airport security wasn’t humiliat ing enough, now we’re all go ing to get pat-downs from WalMart greeters.

Prince William paid tribute to Princess Diana at a lunch in London. She was a pioneer. When Diana got engaged to Prince Charles the law required that she pass a virginity test administered by a gynecologist, a procedure known today as airport security.

Prince Charles’s car was attacked by student protesters rioting in Regency Square recently.

They smashed the windshield, threw paint on the hood, and kicked dents into the Bentley. The next day Episcopal churches in Los Angeles held services for the car.

House Democrats erupted in anger at President Obama over his tax cut extension and free trade deal and federal pay freeze. The liberals cursed his name in the Capitol. Ever since Obama joined the Ditto Heads he’s become a man without a country.

Wesley Snipes checked into federal prison in Pennsylvania to begin a two-year sentence for a tax evasion conviction. He’s a great movie actor with a string of hits to his name. He’s in prison to shoot a sequel called White Men Can Jump You in the Shower.

The U.S. Senate voted in December to keep the ban on gays in the U.S. military. Gay people want to be in the Army and they want to be married. It just shows you can live the world’s most

Environment

ARGUS HAMILTON

The U.S. decided to pass on the climate summit... libertine lifestyle but it’s not really living unless someone is right there to yell at you.

The U.S. Senate tabled Harry Reid’s Dream Act, which would have given children of illegal aliens in-state tuition. The title derives from a vote they took ten years ago. Congress was asked to consider Bill Clinton’s Dream Act, and they impeached him for it.

San Diego County Sheriffs blew up a home on national TV that was being used by a renter as a home-made bomb factory. The homeowner learned a lesson. It’s smarter to let your house go into foreclosure than to rent to a Californian.

The White House said it knew that North Korea shipped long-range missiles to Iran recently.

The CIA is efficient but very edgy lately. If WikiLeaks is going to give out everyone’s secrets for free, the CIA is about to be as out of business as Tower Records.

WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange remain jailed in London on Swedish charges that he had casual sex with multiple partners without using a condom. He had no idea that was a crime anywhere.

Until now, the only birth control he ever used was his personality.

having better things to do...

The Richard Nixon Library made available thousands of new hours of Nixon’s Oval Office tapes. They were recorded after the Watergate break-in by his own personal burglars. He went to his grave wishing he’d listened to G. Gordon Liddy and bought gold.

but oil companies are crying foul.

January, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

19

Miscellaneous Mischief

20

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2011

More Mischief

January, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

21

Wayward Sea Lion Gets Trooper Escort off Hwy. YACHATS, OR – A wayward sea lion trying to scoot down a highway along the Oregon coast got an escort from state troopers.

The Oregon State Police says the animal apparently entered U.S. Highway 101 through a state park near Yachats and weaved in and out of traffic for about half a mile.

Troopers and a local fire and rescue unit used batons and plastic boards designed to keep patients immobile as they flanked the sea lion and guided it along the side of highway.

The animal was led back into the Pacific Ocean after the procession guided it to an oceanside state park about a quarter mile down the road from where it was found.

Dumb Crook: Forgot Ski Mask Until Too Late NEW YORK – Police in New York say an armed robber forgot to pull down his ski mask until after security cameras, a store clerk and customer had already seen his face. Investigators said the video depicts the man entering Alba’s Grocery Store in the city’s Queens borough with two accomplices shortly after midnight. They said he did not pull down his ski mask until after demanding cash from the worker.

School Sorry for Insensitive MLK Jr. Lunch DENVER – Denver Public School officials are apologizing after a parent complained that a school lunch meant to honor Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was stereotypical and offensive, reported KMGH-TV. The lunch was to include southern-style chicken, collard greens and a biscuit in honor of King. Denver Public Schools spokesman Michael Vaughn released a statement that said, “The plan to serve a Southern-style meal in recognition of Martin Luther King Day was well intentioned but highly insensitive in light of certain hurtful cultural stereotypes still harbored in parts of our society.”

Super Snake Fears on the Rise FORT LAUDERDALE – Fears of a new “super snake” emerging in the Everglades grew during a hunt to track South Florida’s invasive python population recently. A three-day, state-coordinated hunt had turned up at least five African rock pythons – including a 14-foot-long female – in a targeted area in Miami-Dade County. State environmental officials worry that the rock python could breed with the Burmese python, which already has an established foothold in the Everglades. That could lead to a new “super snake,” said George Horne, the water district’s deputy executive director.

Wash. Prisons Save on Shorter Socks, Juice Boxes OLYMPIA, WA – With Washington state agencies looking for ways to save money, the Corrections Department says it’s economizing by recycling inmate uniforms, switching to juice boxes and providing shorter socks.

The agency says it expects to save $120,000 each year by replacing self-serve cafeteria juice fountains with juice boxes.

Shorter socks? That’s another $22,000 annual savings.

A spokesman says clothing will also be used more, but it’s unclear how much that will save.

Another money saver: reducing the number of trash can liners purchased annually by 40%, which will save an estimated $220,000 a year.

Custer’s Flag Sells for $1.9M at Auction NEW YORK – One of U.S. Gen. George Armstrong Custer’s battle flags, a “cavalry guidon” (military standard), drew a mere $1.9 million, much less than expected, at an auction at Sotheby’s in New York. The price fell below the low-end presale estimate of $2 million, despite predictions it might go for as much as $5 million.

Sotheby’s described the flag as a “silk guidon with a field of 13 red and white stripes and a canton of blue with 35 applied gold stars, with a swallow-tail design at free edge; some fraying, splits, and tears; some running of color; staining, including, evidently, blood stains.”

It was found under the body of Cpl. John Foley on June 28, 1876, three days after Custer and his men were slaughtered by the Sioux and Cheyenne in Montana. Of five guidons carried by Custer’s battalion, it was the only one recovered. It was originally purchased in 1890 for $54.

Hasselhoff Reality Show Canceled After 2 Episodes David Hasselhoff has been beached by the A&E Network.

The cable channel said it has yanked the former “Baywatch” star’s reality show off the air after only two episodes. Eight completed episodes will remain unaired.

“The Hasselhoffs” featured the actor and his two daughters, who are aspiring to get into show biz. The Nielsen Co. says the first episode was seen by 718,000 viewers, sinking to 505,000 the second week.

That means more than half the people who watched the show preceding “The Hasselhoffs” on A&E’s Sunday schedule, “Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels,” turned the TV off or changed channels when Hasselhoff appeared.

The KISS musician’s show had an audience of 1.4 million.

22

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2011

January, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

23

Don’t Miss Out on All the Fun!

SUBSCRIBE!

Hard copy delivered to your mailbox • Online digital version also available

POLITICAL HUMOR Is Serious Business!

Help Save America’s Soul

by Giving Subscriptions to the ®

Face it, there’s a lot to fret about these days. Now that you’ve found some comic relief... do the right thing: turn your friends and relatives on to the Humor Times!

Give the Gift of Laughter Today!

Just use the handy coupon on page 3, or write the recipients’ names and addresses clearly on a piece of paper, include a check or money order for $19.95 per subscription* (or just $9.95 for the downloadable PDF edition) payable to the Humor Times and mail to:

Humor Times P. O. Box 162429 Sacramento, Ca 95816 I don’t worry, I’ve always got the Humor Times to help me through!

*$1.00 EXTRA OFF all subscriptions when you order online at www.humortimes.com!