Humor Times, March 2011

“Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.” – John F. Kennedy Issue #231

March 2011

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HUMOR TIMES

March, 2011

Editor’s Rant The Egyptian revolution is so great on so many levels. The fact that is started so organically (truly a people’s revolution), the way that social networking helped enable it, the determination of the people to press their case fervently, yet peacefully and the fact that, yes, the revolution was televised, and youtubed, and blogged, and tweeted.

For a country like ours, founded on a revolution (albeit a violent one), it is truly inspiring to be able to watch live, as a people half way around the world rise up, casting off the chains of a 30-year dictatorship.

Unfortunately, it is to our great shame that we installed and supported that dictatorship, as we have so many others around the globe through the decades, in the name of “stability.” Can an event like this cause our government to rethink its ways? Can generals, intelligence agencies and the president break the mold and finally see that it is not in our best long-term interest to back tyrants, realizing that it only gives rise to militants who see terror as the only way to strike back at the empire?

We can only hope. Well, actually, we can do more than that. We can demand it.

The world is changing. Instant communication, interconnectedness and information sharing (think Wikileaks) mean we can no longer depend on the cloak of secrecy to hide our suspect ways. Indeed, it is a shame that it even takes being exposed to force us to reconsider our policies.

After all, we as a people are supposedly dedicated to democracy and the rule of law, so we should never have been a party to these dark arts in the first place (coups, rigged elections, installing strongmen, payoffs, propping up with military hardware, renditions, etc).

Maybe it’s time for our own revolution. Hopefully, ours can be a peaceful one, too. But it is time to cast off the old ways, the ways of cynical old men in a bygone era of self-centered hubris and empire building. We can no longer sustain it anyway. Let us join the Egyptian people in revitalizing our own democracy, lest we lose it to the highest corporate bidders and the corrupt government officials who continue to be bought off every day.

If we don’t, we can look forward to continually bailing out the financial forces that gamble with our nations wealth every few years, as they come up with ever more schemes to fatten their wallets at the expense of we, the people. They may not be robbing us at gunpoint, but their weapon, the threat of the financial meltdown of our nation, is even more insidious.

It’s time to walk like the Egyptians, heads held high, and rise up as one to reclaim our own, long-buried promise. Can we be a beacon to the world again, rather than a deteriorating, over-reaching has-been? Only if we, the people, work at it.

– James Israel, Publisher/editor P.S. Don’t miss the Humor Times 20th Anniversary Celebration! It’s on Friday, April 22nd, at 7PM (doors open 6:30PM) at the Coloma Community Center, 46th & T, Sacramento.

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HUMOR TIMES

3

The Revolution Will Be Tweeted As the world watched...

something big was afoot in Egypt...

which the old guard could not control.

Obama was cautious...

knowing change could upset U.S. policy...

4

but eventually he jumped on board. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2011

After 30 long years, the people had had enough...

but Mubarak was sure it was just a phase...

and offered a compromise...

sure that the people still loved him.

But in the end...

March, 2011

people power won out. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

5

St. Ronny, Bedtime for Bonzo & Sarah Palin 100 Years of Reagan Hold up. Slow down. If you wait a half a second, there’ll be time for me to hop on the Ronald Reagan 100th birthday anniversary bandwagon, onto which I plan on leaping with both feet.

Well, to be honest, not so much jumping on, as using a Sherman Tank to slam sideways into, then soaking the floor-boards with fermented cabbage shreds marinated in red wine vinegar-infused deer urine. Because, like it or not, a certain amount of pendulum swing is necessary here, less the gods descend enraged, and blind us for our collective self-inflicted myopia.

We can be forgiven for feeling fittingly dazed and confused from the deluge of month-long wall-to-wall television specials, radio reports and magazine cover stories, all tinged in that faint beige gauzy haze of selective memory that so easily metastasises into revisionist history. The man was not Saint Ronny. He was an actor, who legendarily turned down Bogart’s part in the movie Casablanca. Think how history would have changed: Bogart might have become president. Then again, Casablanca would be a lousy movie.

Some folks have been so feverish with Reagan-Palloza that there’s renewed talk of putting his face on the ten-dollar bill. Excuse me? Wouldn’t food stamps be more appropriate? Or considering what he did for Wall Street, maybe the ten thousand dollar bill. On a related note, the US Postal Service unveiled the third stamp honoring the 40th POTUS, the distinction being that this is a forever stamp, so apropos when you consider his legacy on

6

America’s disenfranchised.

Let us not forget, the Father of Modern Conservatism routinely fell asleep during Cabinet meetings, consulted astrology charts for the most auspicious time to take foreign policy trips, said ketchup is a vegetable and trees cause pollution. Hey, I got a funny joke for you: What did they call the homeless before Reagan. Mental patients! Does the term Jared Loughner have any meaning here?

And yes, I am cognizant of the depth of the reeking heap of steaming feces into which I’m stepping, in these Tea Partyish times where taking out Reagan is sacrilege. Like painting horns on posters of the Pope at a convent for retired nuns. Singing Hello Dalai at Richard Gere’s house. Think Mother Teresa with fractionally less leper activity.

An example: his son, Ron Jr., wrote a book, and in it, intimated that dad may have, once or twice, possibly exhibited symptoms of forgetfulness while in the Oval Office and KABLAM!! The righteous right came down on him like a wall of bricks on a grape. Totally ignoring 1994, when Dutch himself wrote a letter to the press detailing his Alzheimer’s Disease diagnosis. My theory is he wrote the letter 12 years earlier and just forgot to mail it. I was never afraid he was going to push the button, I always worried he was going to nod off and fall on it.

Then again, maybe the human male lead in Bedtime for Bonzo really does possess mystical powers. Both Sarah Palin and Barack Obama took pains to be seen singing psalms to the Great

HUMOR TIMES

WILL DURST

Communicator, and when these two star-crossed lovers can carve time out from their busy schedule of peering into focus group mirrors, we’re talking a miracle. Like most Presidents, Obama is just a figurehead, but Reagan… was a hood ornament. A position Governor Palin merely aspires to.

Denial on de Nile The whole world holds its breath as we view through splayed fingers the unrest that is the Egyptian uprising. Or as Hosni Mubarak saw it: ten or twenty rabble-rousing unemployed slacker agents of the West with too much time on their hands up to no good.

That’s the problem with entrenched dictators: they interact with their people less often than they enter Sinai Peninsula sheep-shearing competitions disguised as a shepherds’ assistant.

The man was so far behind the insurgency curve he probably saw his own running feet in front of him and even that failed to fill him with any discernible alacrity.

Typically, these ingrained despots try to apply 30 year-old answers to modern problems. With denial being a major arrow in their ancient quiver. Denial on de Nile. Mubarak kept asking what the pesky agitators wanted.

“Well, sir, they want you out.”

“How about if I replace the Cabinet with different cronies?”

“Sir, sorry, but you don’t get it. The people want you gone. A memory. In the archives. Flying down Abdication Street. Walk like an Egyptian, only really really fast. Don’t let the door knob hit you in the butt on the way out – gone.”

“Wait, I know. A Vice President. We’ve never had one before.

Maybe our former head of intelligence.”

“No, sir, seriously, you don’t have to stop being president of every country, you just have to stop being president of THIS country. The only time they want to see your face again is on a coin, with a four digit number to the right of the dash after your birth year.”

Along with scary implications for touring mummy exhibits and world energy prices, this incipient revolution raises fears over the future of Facebook. How does a government shut down the entire Internet? Falling into the wrong hands, this information holds the chilling prospect of huge numbers of young people forced to spend much of their free time watching syndicated episodes of Two and a Half Men. The one piece of good news: this summer’s Nile River Cruise packages – going for a song.

Further demonstrating a cluelessness best measured in Jersey Shore degrees, the Egyptian President screwed up the order of the Unofficial Despot Rebellion Response Handbook, unleashing a mob of pro-regime protesters before blaming the press for all his problems. Every second year Egyptian Military School cadet knows the first thing you do is blame the media. One thing I’ve always been curious about: what do pro-regime protesters chant?

“Up with Repression!” “Jobs Aren’t for Everybody!” “We Want Better Torture!”

Pro-regime protesters: a polite way of saying thugs whose sole purpose is to crack heads at peaceful demonstrations. Or as they’re known around here, the FBI. Speaking of us, around whom the whole world revolves, American outcry has been remarkably muted, even though we witnessed the unspeakable horror of seeing Anderson Cooper punched and Katie Couric jostled.

Diplomatically, of course, Obama needs to be careful. His task is to encourage the demonstrators while allowing the Egyptian leader to save face. Fortunately, equivocation is one of our President’s strong suits. This guy has straddled so many fences he could build a tree house in a redwood from the splinters in his butt. A skill Mubarak must now regret he never bothered to learn.

March, 2011

The Revolution Will Be Tweeted (conclusion) Mubarak’s rule is now a thing of the past...

but what will replace it?

The hard work is still ahead... and Egyptians must guard against being co-opted.

Meanwhile, neighboring regimes are nervous... as the ideal of democracy spreads like a virus.

March, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

7

Shared Sacrifice Sacrifices will have to be made, we’re told...

and solutions are best left to the pros...

since we messed up so badly.

Meanwhile, Obama has some ideas...

as the ordinary worker just tries to get by... in the rich man’s world.

8

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2011

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March, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

9

What They’re Saying Imagine a parallel universe where the Great Crash of 2008 was followed by a Tea Party of a very different kind. Enraged citizens gather in every city, week after week—to demand the government finally regulate the behavior of corporations and the superrich, and force them to start paying taxes. The protesters shut down the shops and offices of the companies that have most aggressively ripped off the country.

The swelling movement is made up of everyone from teenagers to pensioners. They surround branches of the banks that caused this crash and force them to close, with banners saying, You Caused This Crisis. Now YOU Pay. As people see their fellow citizens acting in self-de fense, these tax-the-rich pro tests spread to even the most conservative parts of the country. It becomes the most-discussed subject on Twitter. Even right-wing media outlets, sensing a startling effect on the public mood, begin to praise the uprising, and dig up damning facts on the tax dodgers.

Instead of the fake populism of the Tea Party, there is a movement based on real populism. It shows that there is an alternative to making the poor and the middle class pay for a crisis caused by the rich. It shifts the national conversation. Instead of letting the government cut our services and increase our taxes, the people demand that it cut the endless and lavish aid for the rich and make them pay the massive sums they dodge in taxes.

This may sound like a fantasy—but it has all happened. The name of this parallel universe is Britain. As recently as this past fall, people here were asking the same questions liberal Americans have been glumly contemplating: Why is everyone being so passive? Why are we letting ourselves be ripped off? Why are people staying in their homes watching their flat-screens while our politicians strip away services so they can fatten the superrich even more?

And then twelve ordinary citizens—a nurse, a firefighter, a student, a TV researcher and others—met in a pub in London one night and realized they were asking the wrong questions.

“We had spent all this energy asking why it was n’t hap pen ing,” says Tom Philips, a 23-year-old nurse who was there that night, “and then we suddenly said, That’s what everybody else is saying too. Why don’t we just do it?

Why don’t we just start? If we do it, maybe everybody will stop asking why it isn’t happening and join in. It’s a bit like that Kevin Costner film Field of Dreams. We thought, If you build it, they will come.”...

American citizens should ask themselves: I work hard and pay my taxes, so why don’t the richest people and the corporations? Why should I pick up the entire tab for keeping the nation running? Why should the people who can afford the most pay the least? If you’re happy with that situation, you can stay at home and leave the protesting to the Tea Party. For the rest, there’s an alternative. For too long, progressive Americans have been lulled into inactivity by Obama’s soaring promises, which come to little. As writer Rebecca Solnit says, “Hope is not a lottery ticket you can sit on the sofa and clutch, feeling lucky…. Hope is an ax you break down doors with in an emergency.”

UK Uncut has just shown Americans how to express real hope—and build a left-wing Tea Party.

– Johann Hari, The Nation, 2/5/2011 In 1982, who passed the largest peacetime tax increase in U.S. history? That would be Ronald Reagan.

Who called for comprehensive health reform legislation during in a State of the Union address in 1974, a program that was well to the left of what either Bill Clinton or Barack Obama ultimately proposed? That would be Richard Nixon.

Eisenhower and Reagan and Nixon – they were not the liberals of their day. They were the conservatives of their own time.

But the whole of American politics has shifted so far to the right in the last 50 years that what used to be thought of as conservative... is now considered to be off-the-charts lefty.

– Rachel Maddow, MSNBC, 1/28/2011

10

The Hightower Lowdown The Kochs Are Coming!

RANCHO MIRAGE , Ca lif. – The multibillionaire Koch brothers are used to running their nefarious network of political front groups from behind closed doors, keeping their identities and self-serving involvement secret from the media and us hoi polloi.

For more than three decades, Charles and David Koch have been quietly funneling tens of millions of dollars from their industrial fortune into the Cato Institute, Federalist Society, Heritage Foundation, Americans for Prosperity, FreedomWorks and dozens of other right-wing organizations set up to push their extremist laissez-faire agenda of plutocratic rule. From behind their plush curtain, they’ve operated as the right wing’s Wizard of Oz – only Ozzier.

But now, the curtain is being pulled back, and there they are – buck naked and butt ugly – for all to see.

What an unpleasant surprise it must have been for the brothers last Sunday to find ordinary folks peering at them and their fellow Republican billionaires. About 200 of the wealthy elite were comfortably sequestered behind the gated walls of the Rancho Las Palmas Resort, pre sum ably un touch able in the South ern California desert.

They had been invited to this lair of luxury to participate in an exclusive four-day political retreat that Charles periodically organizes to plot strategy with his peers and get money commitments from them for the next national election.

In the past, these have been totally clandes-

tine pow-wows. They allow the Kochs and their corporate cohorts to huddle privately with such top GOP officials as House Majority Leader Eric Can tor and Su preme Court Jus tices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas and to hob-knob with such right-wing sparklies as Karl Rove and Glenn Beck.

This year, however, the letter of invitation from Koch Industries was leaked to researcher Lee Fang at the Center for American Progress.

In it, Charles bragged that “we will assemble an exceptional group of leaders” at Rancho Las Palmas. And he did – but not the kind of leaders he intended to bring together!

Instead, he found some 1,500 grass-roots leaders gathered at the resort to greet the elites.

Accompanied by national media, these uninvited guests suc ceeded in un cloak ing the Kochs, turn ing the fam ily’s name into a four-letter word – as in, “to Koch” democracy.

I was among the “rabble” intruding into this corporate getaway, having been invited by the political reform group Common Cause to speak and emcee the people’s Las Palmas rally. I can testify that the Koch crowd was not happy to see us – indeed, photographer Michael Cline snapped a wonderful picture of an exasperated David and Julia Koch glumly watching us from t h e i r r e s o r t ’s b a l c o n y ( s e e i t a t www.commonblog.com/2011/02/01/we-got-th eir-attention).

The purpose of our public protest was not merely to expose the handful of wealthy interests who are using front groups and secret corporate cash to gain political supremacy – we

JIM HIGHTOWER “outsiders” were also there to organize support for repealing last year’s infamous anti-democracy edict by the Supreme Court. A five-man cabal of corporatados on the Court ruled that a corporation is a “person” entitled to use unlimited sums of corporate funds to elect or defeat any candidate of its choosing – thus enthroning special-interest business money over all other interests in our society.

Unfortunately, to reverse the Kafkaesque hubris of the five Supremes who’re trying to play God, we need to pass a constitutional amendment that explicitly makes the obvious point that, to be a person, you have to have a navel. While passing any amendment to our nation’s basic governing document is difficult, it can – and must – be done if America is even to pretend to be a government of and by the people.

The good news is that Americans are up for it. A nationwide poll in January found that four out of five of our people support the passage of just such an amendment – including 68 percent of Republicans.

Two hundred and thirty-six years ago, Paul Revere rallied the American public’s resistance to the democratic repression with the cry, “The British are coming!” Today, the rallying cry is, “The Kochs are coming!” To join the resistance, go to www.freespeechforpeople.org.

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March, 2011

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“We Report, You Decry!”

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

In New Era of Civility, GOP Says Republicans Cut Shirts from Budget Obama Born ‘Near America’

Super Bowl Pregame Show Still Underway

Slash seven years from age

Boehner issues ‘Official Republican Niceness Pledge’

WASHINGTON – In an effort to show that they are serious about reducing the size of the Federal deficit, a group of House Republicans announced today that they would totally eliminate shirts from this year’s Congressional budget.

The lawmakers, who c a l l t h e mselves the Shirtless Republicans and are led by R ep .

Chris to pher Lee (R-NY), GOP “pumped” about deficit. ap peared in the Capitol rotunda this morning naked from the waist up.

“We are going to slash this budget until it is as ripped and shredded as my abs,” Rep. Lee said.

Rep. Lee added that in order to postpone their eligibility for Social Security. the Shirtless Republicans would also subtract seven years from their stated ages.

Immediately after their appearance, a spokesman for C-Span said that the network would immediately pull the plug on all future broadcasts from the House of Rep re sen ta tives: “We don’t think the American people should have to see this.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

WASHINGTON – Ushering in what it is call- structing members to say instead, “Obama friends ing “a new era of civility in American political terrorists on Facebook.” dis course,” the Re pub li can The memo also instructed leadership in Congress said toHouse members never to call day that from now on it would Mr. Obama a “socialist,” and inac knowl edge that Pres i dent stead to use the less politically Barack Obama was born “near polarizing term, “sociopath.”

America.”

Mr. Boehner also warned “It is no longer acceptable for GOP congressmen to stop refermembers of our Party to say that ring to Mr. Obama’s health care the Pres i dent of the United reform bill as “The Job-Killing States was born in Kenya,” Health Care Reform Act,” adBoehner: Obama born kinda close. wrote Speaker of the House vising them, “There are many John Boehner (R-Ohio) in a memo sent to all GOP perfectly good synonyms for ‘killing,’ such as House members entitled The Official Republican ‘strangling,’ ‘annihilating,’ and ‘eviscerating.’”

Niceness Pledge. “From now on, we will say that In closing, Mr. Boehner wrote, “You owe it to he was born nearish America, and perhaps even as your families and constituents back home to conclose as Cuba.” duct yourselves in a civil manner, just as President The Boehner memo said that the Party would Obama owes it to his relatives and comrades back have “zero tolerance” for Republicans who say in Havana.” that Mr. Obama “pals around with terrorists,” inAndy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

DALLAS, TX – Though the game may be long over, the FOX Super Bowl pre-game show is still underway. The pre-game show began on the morning of Super Bowl Sunday and continues with no end in sight.

Various FOX sports commentators are still mak ing their views known on how they think Super Bowl XLV will play out. Considerable time has also been spent pointing out that Dal las Cow boys Stadium is quite large, holds lots of peo ple, and has an enormous Fox VP: “The show video screen. must go on. And on.”

Over two hours of air time has been used explaining roman numerals, so that viewers will be able to decipher what number the letters after ‘Super Bowl’ are referring to. During that time, FOX commentator Terry Bradshaw had to be resuscitated after his head came very close to exploding. “If ‘V’ means five,” asked the former Pittsburgh quarterback, “Then shouldn’t the word ‘fifty’ be spelled with two V’s?”

FOX vice president of sports programming Marvin Hiatt explained the program will provide even more in-depth coverage of Aaron Rodgers’ alma mater Butte Community College.

“The FOX camera crews have developed an emotional montage that includes one of the parking spots where Aaron Rodgers likely parked his car and the desk he would have used if he had attended class.”

Hiatt also explained FOX will air several more hours of footage of Ben Roethlisberger in his car, home, around his community, and at the Steelers workout facility conveying heartfelt apologies to teammates, team owners, and fans about his behavior earlier this season.

FOX executives added that if the pre-game show ever comes to a conclusion, they will begin broadcasting a post-game show that lasts well into October.

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

Michele Bachmann Proposes “Don’t Add, Don’t Spell” Reflects core Tea Party values, she says MINNEAPOLIS – In her official Tea Party re sponse to Pres i dent Obama’s State of the Union Address, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) offered a bold new policy initiative she called “Don’t Add, Don’t Spell.”

Rep. Bachmann called the proposal “a reflection of core Tea Party values” and said it would “deliver the American people from the tyranny of arithmetic, spelling, and punctuation.”

In addition to “Don’t Add, Don’t Spell,” Rep. Bachmann suggested slashing the Federal budget by eliminating nine of the first ten Amendments to the Constitution.

“I think you know which one I’d keep,” she chuck led, miming a Western gunslinger with her index fingers.

Rep. Bachmann’s odd onscreen appearance, in which she seemed to be staring off-cam era for the duration of her speech, was initially blamed on “a squirrel that got into the studio and distracted her,” said one Tea Party official.

But the Minnesota congresswoman offered her own explanation: “I was looking off to one side because I was trying to read off Sarah Palin’s hand.”

In Washington, House Speaker John Boehner held a press conference after the President’s speech to declare, “This infernal week of civility is officially over.”

“The American people owe its representatives a huge debt of thanks,” Mr. Boehner added. “Tonight, each of us made the ultimate sacrifice any American can ever be called upon to make: sitting next to a person we despise.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

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Hu Presents Obama with Counterfeit DVD of Toy Story 3 Raises eyebrows in White House appearance WASHINGT ON – In a moving W hite H o u se c e r emony, President Hu J i n t a o of China presented Who? Hu, that’s who.

US Pres i dent Barack Obama with a counterfeit DVD of the Hollywood blockbuster Toy Story 3.

Mr. Hu raised eyebrows at several points of his official speech, especially when he repeatedly addressed the American people as “my subjects.”

But the Chinese president ended his speech on an upbeat note about the relationship between the two countries: “In conclusion, America owes me the first month’s rent and the security deposit.”

Speaking to the press, Mr. Hu noted the historic nature of his meeting with President Obama: “It was the first time I’d met a Nobel Peace Prize winner who wasn’t in prison.”

Mr. Obama told reporters that he hoped to

speak to Mr. Hu about China’s human rights record, but said, “To be honest, we’ve got as much leverage with China as a guy who’s three months late on his car payments has with the repo man.”

M e a n wh i l e , F a c e b o ok f ou nd er Mar k Zuckerberg took advantage of Mr. Hu being out of the country to friend 1.3 billion Chinese.

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

Humor Times Anniversary Event Named “World’s Greatest” and a “Bargain” The Humor Times anniversary party on April 22nd is “sure to be the single coolest event ever held,” according to independent analysis by the Event Rating Service, based in New York.

The service rated the bash just above this year’s Super Bowl, saying it would be a “much better bargain, and no one will be forced to give up their seat due to poor planning.”

The event stars political comedian Will Durst.

Tickets are on sale now at www.humortimes.com.

Cinnabon Customer First Human to Develop Type III Diabetes ATLANTA – The Center for Disease Control has confirmed that the first case of type III diabetes has been di ag nosed in a cus tomer at Cinnabon. The diagnosis was made immediately after the customer had consumed an order of two original Cinnabons and a large Mochalatta Chill.

“Type III diabetes may be the next health crisis we see,” said CDC spokesman Terrence Grover. “Fortunately, we think we should be able to isolate the occurrences to only a few areas, namely, malls and airports.”

The customer who developed the diabetes,

who is not be ing named due for medical privacy reasons, be lieves that she will be able to live a normal life despite the onset of type III Where no man has gone before. diabetes. “I might have to start switching to mini-bons, or maybe a Caramel Pecanbon because it has more fiber.”

Doctors, however, warn that type III diabetes may result in some rather shocking symptoms.

“This isn’t about just checking your blood sugar every day,” said physician Dr. Bernard Tufano.

“Instead of worrying about the potential for damage to eyesight, it can cause the eyes to wither, die, and fall out of the head. And instead of potential loss of circulation to the extremities, this disease will cause people’s limbs to fall off immediately and without warning. Sure, those rolls are great, especially when they’re warm, but you’re not going to be able to eat one if your arms fall off while you’re walking to the food court.”

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

Jared Loughner: ‘Rhetoric Should Be Toned Down’ TUCSON – In his first statements to the press since he was charged with gunning down 6 innocent people and the attempted assassination of Rep. Gabriel Giffords, Jared Lee Loughner said his actions were not brought about by incendiary political statements but cautioned that public discourse should be handled in a more civilized manner.

“I was not in any way motivated by politically charged comments from the right or the now infa-

mous Palin ‘Hit List,’” said the 22 year old murder suspect, “but when you put out a map with crosshairs over a member of congress’ district, that’s pretty messed up.”

Wearing an orange prison jumpsuit with hands and feet shackled, Loughner stated, “If grammar does not exist then government does not exist and if government does not exist then I am innocent,” adding, “but if grammar does exist then we should seriously stay away from inflammatory

HUMOR TIMES

comments such as ‘reload’ and ‘sec ond amend ment remedies.’ Someone could ob vi ously take that the wrong way.”

He went on to urge politicians on both sides of the Gunner urges civility. isle to choose their words more carefully in order not to divide and already fractured nation.

Jonathan Crockett, Humor Times

March, 2011

Life.com

Corporate Media

You know you’re addicted when you get all your info online...

Comcast acquired NBC, and its tentacles are everywhere...

you get roses you can’t smell... but don’t worry, they’re just a lovable big brother...

and all your “face time” is on Facebook. who will take over all entertainment eventually.

March, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

15

State of DisUnion Though it pained them to do so...

Congress members agreed to take it down a notch.

Repubs celebrated their new House majority... and the prez made overtures to corporate power.

His inspirational speech... was tempered by reality. (continued)

16

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2011

State (conclusion)

In the Crosshairs The Arizona assassination attempt was felt in Congress...

There were competing shots at a rebuttal...

which didn’t play out so well.

but nothing much has changed...

presenting politicians with certain challenges.

But the parties say they’re committed to civility.

March, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

17

Back in the Saddle Again Republicans celebrated Reagan’s 100th birthday...

a man they say they want to emulate.

They’re struggling to keep their deficit promises... but they have other priorities.

Meanwhile, their “family values” image took another hit... and ex-prez GW gave some interviews.

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HUMOR TIMES

March, 2011

To Your Health The GOP began their attack on the health care bill...

which culminated in a big statement vote...

but the courts may have the final say.

Meanwhile, the First Lady began her own health drive...

but she may have over-reached...

since many like it the way it is.

March, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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HUMOR TIMES

March, 2011

Argus Sez Bristol Palin closed escrow on a home in Phoenix with her winnings from Dancing with the Stars. She’s begun shopping her three-hundred-page autobiography to publishers. Democrats have already named the book One Flew Out of the Cuckoo’s Nest.

The Weather Channel reported record cold in the Southwest and record warmth in California in February. It’s just been crazy. It was below zero in Texas, while Los Angeles was so hot Lindsay Lohan walked out of Home Depot with an air conditioner under her jacket.

Lindsay Lohan was charged with stealing a twenty-five hundred dollar necklace from a jewelry store. She was allowed to keep her passport for any work outside the country. Hosni Mubarak just hired her to beat up the protesters in Tahrir Square.

N.Y. Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was reported to be dating a girl who is a high school senior. She texted photos of his bedroom. He’s currently writing a book that covers his entire life, from his time on the playground to his time on the playground.

The Montana State Senate passed a bill called the Code of the West. The bill would make cowboy ethics the law of the state. Under the Cowboy Code, if anyone harms you, threatens you or destroys your property, you have the right to invade Iraq.

Congress began considering new statues for Statuary Hall in the Capitol Rotunda last month.

How about statues of Hosni Mubarak, the Shah of Iran and Saddam Hussein? The least we could do is let their survivors know that it was great fun, but it was just one of those things.

Russian astronomers confirmed NASA’s warnings and spotted an asteroid headed for

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President Obama addressed an Internet convention in Michigan where he urged the computer and software industry to use their huge profits to hire more workers. His plea fell on deaf ears. Only the U.S. government hires more people than it needs.

The Discovery Channel said the United States led the world in the number of shark attacks last year for the first time. It makes sense.

When you consider the number of Democrats up for re-election next year, there’s never been more blood in the water.

GOP Congressman Chris Lee resigned after he got caught sending shirtless photos of himself to a woman online. He’d been warned by leadership to stop partying and sleeping with female lobbyists. The good news is, he’s just been cast as the lead in Mr. Sheen Goes to Washington.

The Iron Lady began filming in Hollywood star ring Meryl Streep as Lady Mar ga ret Thatcher. It should be as big as The King’s Speech. These aren’t just movies to Republicans, they’re Valentine’s Day cards to England promising that we’ll be together again in two years.

President Obama approved a role for the Muslim Brotherhood in any new Egyptian government. It demoralized many in Cairo. Men have begun staring at women in street clothes like it’s a photograph that they’ll have to remember the rest of their lives.

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21

South Carolina to Create Its Own Currency COLUMBIA, S.C. – A bill in the South Carolina Senate would set up a committee to study whether South Carolina should create its own currency of gold and silver coins as an alternative to the U.S. dollar.

Sen. Lee Bright, R-Spartanburg, introduced the bill after seeing that Georgia, Virginia and Missouri are also looking at the same thing.

“I think a lot of folks are concerned about what’s happening in our federal government and about the debt that we’re in,” Sen. Bright says.

Professor Steve Mann, chairman of the Finance Department at the University of South Carolina’s Moore School of Business, says he thinks a state currency would be doomed to fail.

“It’s going backward in time,” he says, “when you had bank notes and each bank had its own notes. We do have a lot of debt, but this is the wrong path. We’d be better served to study how to get spending under control,” he says.

House Urged to Cut Back After Bottled-Water Tab Nears $1 Million The U.S. House was called out by Corporate Accountability International for spending $860,000 last year on bottled water – money it says could have gone toward installing fountains of perfectly potable water.

A report from the nonprofit found that between April 2009 and March 2010, House lawmakers spent an average of $2,000 per member on bottled water. “There’s just a lot of money that’s being poured down the drain,” said Kristin Urquiza, director of the group’s “Think Outside the Bottle” campaign.

It might sound like an obscure case to make, but in an era of cost-savings, reducing consumption of bottled water and reinvesting in the country’s public water systems go hand-in-hand, the group contends.

Urquiza said 16 House lawmakers from both sides of the aisle have already pledged to use “bottled-water alternatives” in their offices. She added that with so many issues dividing Republicans and Democrats, water could unite the parties.

Old man charged $4,800 to shovel his roof Massachusetts – One of the three men who police said charged an elderly Amesbury resident $4,800 to shovel his roof defended the cost of the job in an interview, as details emerged of the family’s prior legal problems in other states.

“I want people to know, I’m not scamming, I’m making a living,” Kevin Snow Jr., 23, said in a phone interview.

Snow, his father Kevin Snow Sr., 47, and his brother George Snow, 21, all of Salisbury, charged the man for clearing his roof on Friday, but gave the money back on Saturday after police said they could face criminal charges if they did not reimburse him. No charges were filed.

Snow and his brother have had prior brushes with the law, according to the California Contractors State License Board (CSLB). The board said that the brothers pleaded no contest in June to felony and misdemeanor fraud charges in connection to their contracting practices.

Chicken ordinance: don’t ask, don’t tell RIVERDALE, UT – The Riverdale City Council is taking a “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach to the issue of chickens in residential areas.

After much debate, the City Council decided against adopting detailed rules regarding chicken coops.

During the debate, which included council members and residents, opponents expressed concerns that chickens could bring avian diseases and lead to acceptance of larger farm animals.

The paper quoted Bart Stevens as saying, “When you buy in a residential neighborhood you have a reasonable expectation that there will not be farm animals.”

Proponents pointed out that the city has received no complaints, and some other cities allow chickens in residential areas.

Rather than pass an ordinance, they opted for what city Councilwoman Shelley Jenkins calls the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

Potential complaints will be dealt with under the city’s nuisance ordinance.

Researcher: Humanity Ready For Aliens DAVIS, CA – A California psychologist says human beings may be ready to accept evidence of extra-terrestrial intelligence without widespread panic.

Dr. Albert Harrison of the University of California’s Davis campus said such a discovery “may be far less startling for generations that have been brought up with word processors, electronic calculators, avatars and cellphones as compared with earlier generations.”

Harrison said discovering an alien life-form or signal would be unlikely to cause “widespread psychological disintegration and collapse.”

Martin Dominik of Scotland’s University of St. Andrews said Earth-like life on planets with similar environments may be a “cosmic imperative” and intelligent extra-terrestrial beings are likely quite similar to humans.

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HUMOR TIMES

March, 2011

March, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

23

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