Humor Times, April 2011

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HUMOR TIMES

April, 2011

Editor’s Letter Our very first issue, when it was called the Comic Press News, featured a four-page cartoon spread on the Gulf War, which was just winding down. Here we are, 20 years later, in three wars in the middle east (if you count Lybia). If more is better, I guess we’re doing alright!

But, of course, we’re not. The wars are dragging our economy down – which doesn’t need any help in that department, as our own Wall Street has done a mighty fine job of that. Politics are more acrimonious than ever, not helped by extreme media elements that are more interested in starting and prolonging fights than in facts or seeking common ground and solutions.

The first solar voltaic panels were invented in 1954, but our government chose to invest in nuclear instead, and now we’ve got an energy crisis with no infrastructure in place for alternative energy to flourish. Nuke plants in Japan have come perilously close to melting down, oil wells deep in the ocean blow and we can’t fix them, and we’re approaching peak oil, as fuel prices continue to climb.

The economic crash caused by greedy unscrupulous types on Wall Street and in the major banking institutions is used as a reason to squeeze the poor and the middle class and to go after the unions, because “we need to balance the budget” and “share the sacrifice.” The fact that the corporations that caused the crisis are making more profits than ever never seems to be raised, except in the alternative media.

Yes, times are tough. We need some comic relief sometimes. And that’s why we’re still here!

True, the Humor Times is no longer distributed free as it once was in the Sacramento area, but in a harsh environment for print publications, we’ve survived. The product is actually improved, with more cartoon styles by more artists, more columns and even some “fake news,” a la The Onion.

If you’ve missed us since we converted to a paid circulation format over two years ago (available by subscription all over the world, and in digital format via the web), well, we’re still here! Why not fork over a few bucks to get your favorite political satire publication delivered right to your door? You don’t have to worry about missing an issue, nor do you need to go looking for it. And it’s only about a buck and a half per month. I mean, c’mon.

We want to heartily thank those thousands who have subscribed, and kept us going in the process, as well as the advertising support we still get. Most issues don’t have very many ads, but they help, and those business supporters are our heroes! This issue is an exception, as a lot of businesses jumped in to help us celebrate our 20th, and we thank them. Please tell them you saw their ad in the Humor Times!

Now comes the time to celebrate! On Friday, April 22nd, we’re presenting the Humor Times 20th Anniversary Variety Show Extravenganza! Please come out and celebrate with us! It’s a joint event with Access Sacramento, which is celebrating its 25th anniversary.

Doors open 6:30PM and the show starts at 7:00PM, in the Coloma Community Center auditorium, 46th & T, Sacramento.

The great political comedian Will Durst is headlining, and we’ve got a great supporting cast lined up! See the back cover ad for more info.

Advanced tickets may be had online at humortimes.com and in person at Access Sacramento, 46th & T. See you there!

– James Israel, Publisher/editor

Humor Times (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 20, Issue 232, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 4208 Norton Way, Sacramento, CA 95820. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95604.

Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217.

Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lester, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others.

Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2011. No part may be reproduced without permission.

Cover art by: Nate Beeler: Joe Biden, Barack Obama, Joe Lieberman Steve Sack: Rush Limbaugh, Michelle Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Tiger Woods R. J. Matson: John Boehner, Charlie Rangel, Uncle Sam, Monopoly Banker Mike Keefe: Hillary Clinton • Bob Englehart: Harry Reid • Daryl Cagle: Pope Taylor Jones: Rahm Emmanuel • Rob Rogers: George Bush

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April, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

3

Triple Threat Disasters can sometimes help put things in perspective.

one they could not control...

and it is threatening to decimate the country.

The industry’s problems may prove self-destructive...

4

Japan had created a monster...

and it’s not a pretty sight. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2011

The aftershock is being felt in the U.S...

as waves of doubt wash over our own nuke industry.

The news is making people a little nervous...

but other alternatives are inferior, say experts.

The nuke lobby has had to shift into overdrive...

April, 2011

as fears are on the rise.

HUMOR TIMES

5

A Brown Scare: The New McCarthyism Paranoia and ignorance are a bad combination...

leading to some ugly results.

We’ve seen this movie before...

and it doesn’t end well.

Rep. King is ignoring the whole picture...

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and can’t see the forest for the trees.

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2011

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April 22, 2011, 7pm at the Coloma Community Center, 46th & T, Sacramento. Advance tickets available at www.humortimes.com! See back cover for more info.

April, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

7

Revolutions Against Crazed Leaders Madness in Madtown Best be vigilant for an inadvertent head butt as the eyes of the world recoil from that crazed leader, besieged in his own Capitol, defying reality while obstinately holding onto a tenuous power and attacking his citizenry through a conflicted security force. Of course I’m talking about Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker. Think a slightly less swarthy Midwestern version of Colonel Qaadafi.

The locals call Madison “Mad Town,” and hardly has it ever lived up to that reputation as heartily as in the past month. Following the November sweep of both houses of the legislature, Walker, Lexus Ranger, declared the Badger State’s deficit was due to those dastardly public unions and his so-called “Budget Repair Bill” sought money from their pockets, an end to collective bargaining, placed obstacles in the way of continued accreditation and advocated public spanking as a punishment.

This proposal came the very week after he ushered in $137 million in corporate tax cuts for the state, which is a lot like paying for your quarterly investors luncheon by garnishing the wages of the waiters. Money for the rich, from the middle class, again.

Robin Hood’s evil twin must be exhausted.

Dashing rumors of an imminent compromise, Walker ran an end-around his state’s Democratic Senate exiles, ramming the bill through a tricky parliamentary procedure in a closed-door session, isolating the issues into non-fiscal elements. So, first it was all about the money, but then, about the money – not so much.

Unless you count the big national bucks that lie in union busting.

Like a spreading alien virus, this Republican war on workers is waging and raging across the nation. Eleven states have pending legislation to strip unions of various rights. Indiana Democratic politicians joined their Wisconsin colleagues seeking political asylum in Illinois. Poor Illinois. Like they don’t have enough politicians sitting around doing nothing.

Wisconsin is the birthplace of the Progressive movement with a long proud history of activism. So, this naked power grab runs the risk of offending ordinary Wisconsinites like a New York Cheddar winning the blue medal at the State Fair. And whose legality is more suspect than heroin in a holding cell.

More paranoid people might smell a conspiracy. Wealthy Wall Street bankers cause an economic meltdown, make obscene profits in the ensuing recession, then convince the populace that everything can simply be fixed through more tax cuts. So they can create jobs. Of course with $5 a gallon gasoline that two-way commute to China is going to be a bitch.

But if you think The Walker Coup means this issue is dead, you’ve obviously been spending too much time toasting the sunset while eating watercress sandwiches on the bridge of your yacht. As is their way, the GOP might once again have overreached and awakened a sleeping giant. Today, we are all Cheeseheads. Or as JFK might have said “Ich bin ein kaasekopf.”

All heck is about to break loose. While sanctions and a no-fly zone may be off the table, recalls, retribution and recriminations definitely are not. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to

WILL DURST

hear the poo-bahs in the upper echelon of the AFL-CIO decide to bestow Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker with its Organizer of the Year Award. Richy-Richly deserved.

Democracy Is the New Black Congratulations from the United States of America to all our freedom loving brothers and sisters in Egypt and Yemen and Jordan and Oman and Tunisia and Libya and Iran and Bahrain and Algeria and maybe someday soon Saudi Arabia, for standing up to your dictatorial overlords and clutching at the guano covered branches of freedom. Jolly good. You’ve made majority rule fashionable again. Democracy is now the new black.

We are all totally psyched how you’ve dragged yourselves kicking and screaming from the dark ages into the middle 19th Century. You may be excited to hear about some other upgrades we’ve made in areas such as in transportation, communications and hygiene. It’s all there in your orientation packet. Watch some MTV. Ignore Jersey Shore. No, they’re not real.

We got to warn you though, self-rule isn’t all a bed of roses. It has a thorny learning curve. Rubs tough on beginners. You might want to spend some time wading out towards the deep end wearing your feudal water wings before jumping straight into the parliamentary pool.

The thing is, don’t expect the world to change overnight. England has been dancing with democratization since 1265 and they’re still curtseying to the Queen. Usually what happens is you lose one tyrannical despot only to gain another. You could avoid a particular mistake we made and find someone who can spell despot.

Elections are tricky things. Make sure it’s The People deciding the outcome and not nine old folks wearing black robes. Here’s a hint: anybody gets 95% of the vote, reboot. You might be surprised to find the people most likely to run for political office often turn out to be criminally insane. Maybe you should pass a law restricting that. Kind of wish we had. Rule of thumb: anybody who can be elected, shouldn’t be.

Something else to keep in mind: democracy for one means democracy for all. It’s a take it or leave it enterprise. All men are cre ated equal. And women. None of this wife-walking-five-paces-behind-her-husband-while-dressed-as-a-grieving-beekeeper stuff. Same with Sunnis and Shiites and Sasquatches. One person. One vote. Hey, we all put our robes on one leg at a time. Or two. Whatever.

Start small. Too many choices can result in inaction. An example: sometimes you just want a package of sunflower seeds. You don’t want the Low Sodium Dill Pickle flavor. But Safeway is all out of Original flavor because they allotted equal shelf space to the Low Sodium Dill Pickle flavor. Which nobody wants. They can have it, if they wanted. But they don’t. Well, same deal with liberty. So, there you are. Hope that clears that up.

All we’re trying to say is good luck with the whole democracy thing. Treat it like a new car, always driving as if 100 eggs are hatching inside of it at all times. Because they are. Bring it in for a tune-up every 10,000 miles and don’t forget to change the oil (shouldn’t be a problem). Remember to downshift headed uphill, it tends to veer to the left on the straightaways and try not to crack it up because who knows, maybe we here in America might want to give it another test drive ourselves someday.

Will Durst is an award winning San Francisco political comedian who often writes. Such as the previous frivolity.

Mr. Durst will be appearing at the Humor Times 20th Anniversary Celebration, Friday, April 22nd, at the Coloma Community Center, 46th & T, Sacramento. See ad, back cover.

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HUMOR TIMES

April, 2011

What Winning Looks Like Sheen is a real “winner,” in case you didn’t know...

at least for cable TV...

and he’s a legend in his own mind.

Don’t Hog It All to Yourself! – Give a subscription to the HUMOR TIMES! The Gift that keeps on giving all year long!

April, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

9

No Rebel Zone Democracy has stuck its nose where it’s not wanted...

and dictators are not shy about retaliating.

The world looked to the U.S... and as the debate continued...

Obama took his sweet time... deciding what was in our best interests. (continued)

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HUMOR TIMES

April, 2011

Our habit of supporting mad dictators keeps backfiring...

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April, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

11

What They’re Saying The ACORN video was a fake. The Shirley Sherrod video was a fake. So why should anyone be surprised to find that the NPR video is also a fake? James O’Keefe has absolutely no interest in the truth. Instead, his well-funded hit machine has only one purpose: to distort and manufacture controversy...

O’Keefe didn’t just chop minutes out of the interview, he cut, copied, pasted, and rearranged the video to make Schiller into the parody of an NPR ex ec u tive that the right expected.

The real scandal here isn’t anything that Schiller said, it’s that anyone treats O’Keefe and his video sausage grinding seriously...

There may be no clearer marker of media’s decline than in their treating O’Keefe as a legitimate source. Like Scott Walker’s actions against the unions in Wisconsin, O’Keefe isn’t out to find the truth. He’s out there to smash anyone not part of the conservative club, and if what that takes is an unending stream of sewage... he has no problem with that.

He’s not a muckraker. He’s a muck maker.

– Mark Sumner, Daily Kos, March 14, 2011 What happens here is going to have a great influence over what happens over the whole United States. If unions go, there’s no way to protect the workers.

– Susan Sarandon in Madison, WI, 3/12/11 The U.S. public has been willfully ignorant, habitually self-centered, and so easily manipulated by the PR specialists of the corporate controlled state, for so long, they don’t even know what a democratic republic is – much less that they lost one...

With wages stagnant for more than thirty years now, it is maddening to hear economically besieged, debt-beholden members of the U.S. middle- and laboring-classes, who, because they have had their heads up their corporate master’s privileged rear ends for so long now, continue to convince themselves they’re viewing the glens, glades and fruited bowers of a free-market paradise...

The [Koch Brothers] seem akin in character to a spoiled malicious brat whose greed for gifts can never be sated, a nightmare child, who not only breaks the expensive toys he demands and receives, but breaks the toys of other children, simply because they’re not his.

In deranged opposition to both common sense and common decency, the actual children of the U.S., those who were careless enough to be born into poverty, will just have to suck it up – and give up their school lunch programs so that the billionaires of the plundering class can continue to receive tax write-offs.

That’s right, good people of the U.S., it is high time we nipped this problem in the bud: Those damn spoiled brats have just gotten too damn fond of eating. Fortunately, the roar of the engines of fleets of private Gulfstream jets will drone out the rumblings of those en ti tlement-maddened little monsters bellies...

As a result of the contrivance of powerful mass media interests, combined with a complicity on the part of the general public, the witless indulgences and perpetual excesses of the idiot empire of celebrity news and gossip grip the popular imagination and provoke a greater degree of indignation from the populace than the tearing to tatters of the social contract, ongoing since the Reagan era, by the nation’s government and business classes.

The proliferation of news as celebrity gossip serves as a kind of corporate propaganda e.g., Charlie Sheen’s private contretemps being hyped to public spectacle and topping the news cycle, as opposed to, let’s say, a series of investigative reports exposing the degree of wealth inequity in the U.S., how it was established, and is maintained.

Or why large-scale news events, such as the very likely catastrophic effects of the meltdown of a nuclear power plant, are treated with all the depth of a mindless Hollywood action movie, devoid of a deepening historical context.

– Phil Rockstroh, consortiumnews.com, March 17, 2011

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The Hightower Lowdown America’s True Crisis The greatest problem our nation faces can be summed up in one word: leadership. OK, make that three words: lack of leadership.

America’s corporate, political, media, academic and other leaders aren’t. They’re not leaders – because they refuse to stand tall, be bold, offer vision, inspire and ... well, lead.

We’ve got too many 5-watt bulbs sitting in 100-watt sockets. They’re squishing the historic can-do spirit of the American people, reducing it to a dispiriting ethic of surrender that says we-shouldn’t-even-try.

Start with our leaders’ willful abdication of the American dream. They’ve given up on the notion of producing a shared prosperity that creates a broad middle class. For more than a decade now, Wall Street and Washington have let millions of jobs disappear and pushed wages down. They now yawn at the entrenched jobs crisis that is eating the middle class, and rather than responding to the plight of millions of hard-hit families, they’re trying to bust unions and kill minimum-wage laws.

They call it “the new normal,” in which the workaday majority of folks should simply ratchet down their hopes and expectations. A national commitment to quality education, health care for all and a decent retirement has been reduced to a “YO-YO” program: You’re on Your Own. What about creating a vibrant new green economy based on renewable en ergy? Let China build it, they shrug. How about constructing a bold, nationwide, job-creating net-

work of high-speed trains? Spain built a great one and even France has one, but we’re told it’s too much for America. Our deteriorating and dangerous infrastructure? Better that we cut taxes for the super-rich and pray for God to take care of infrastructure.

These people are pathetic. And shameful.

You can’t call yourself a leader if you’re too weak and too afraid to lead.

One of the worst examples of their inability to lead is the new Securities and Exchange Commission’s crackdown on the egregious pay packages that the elites of Wall Street keep grabbing.

By a three-to-two vote, SEC commissioners socked the money-grubbing bankers with a new “say on pay” rule. Rather than let top executives lavish money on themselves unchecked, the new rule lets shareholders of those financial giants vote on extravagant salaries, bonuses and perks. That’ll rein in the excess, right?

Probably not. You see, the SEC has long been a gentle regulator, never wanting to hear a Wall Streeter say “ouch.” Thus, the say-on-pay rule has no bite. Shareholders can indeed have their say, but it’s a non-binding vote! Bank big-shots can simply ignore it. Yet even this velvet har ness was too rough for the two soft-on-greed Re pub li can com mis sion ers, Kathleen Casey and Troy Paredes. Both voted no, with Casey explaining that the new rules “are unduly restrictive and impose unnecessary burdens” on bankers.

Don’t despair, though, for justice still might be served. The SEC has since approved another

JIM HIGHTOWER compensation crackdown, this time specifically targeting outrageous multimillion-dollar bonuses. For the first time, big banks will henceforth be compelled to restrain themselves.

How? By filing detailed annual reports about the bonuses they pay. Ouch, that’ll sting, won’t it?

Again, though, even this tiny pinch was too harsh for the compassionate Republican members. Both sided with the poor bankers, wailing that requiring reports is a big-government intrusion into the private sector, overreaching the SEC’s authority.

Real leaders aren’t in Washington – they’re fighting for us on Main Street. Luckily, a public interest group named Bankster USA is rallying grass-roots support to curb banker greed. To find our nation’s real leaders and have your own say and push for real re form, con tact www.banksterusa.org.

“I have one dollar in my wallet.

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That means somebody is gaming the system.”

– Carl Gibson, the founder of US Uncut (www.usuncut.org)

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April, 2011

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Don’t Miss the Party of the Year: The Humor Times 20th Anniversary Variety Show Extravaganza!

April 22, 2011, 7pm at the Coloma Community Center, 46th & T, Sacramento. Advance tickets available at www.humortimes.com! See back cover for more info.

April, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

13

Presidential Material The GOP search for viable candidates rolls on...

as they look critically at every possibility.

There’s the old guard...

which comes with certain baggage...

and there are some fresh faces...

14

but the answer may lie with the stars.

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2011

April, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

15

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When Religious Fervor Meets Utterly Wacko The Westboro Church has a lot to say...

most of it vile.

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Still, their free speech rights were upheld... which is great news for some.

April, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

19

“We Report, You Decry!”

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Birthers Challenge State Department Offers Support Hawaii to Produce to ‘Whoever Winds Up Winning’ Statehood Certificate Promises ‘Strongest possible monitoring of events from afar’ President’s birthplace not really American, leaders claim KAILUA, HAWAII – Leaders of the so-called Birther movement followed President Obama o n h is Hawaiian vacation r ecently t o d emand Birthers doubt Hawaii legitimacy. t h a t Hawaii prove it is actually a U.S. state.

Mr. Obama’s claim to American citizenship has rested on his birthplace being Hawaii, but the Birthers argued today that Hawaii’s claim to being part of America is not a foregone conclusion.

Speaking to reporters in Kailua, Birther leader Orly Taitz said that Hawaii cannot be considered part of the United States “unless it can produce an authentic statehood certificate.”

Ms. Taitz said that she did a thorough title search on the islands and has concluded that rather than being a U.S. state, “the islands appear to be colonies of Kenyan.”

“That means that everyone born in Hawaii is legally not an American but a Kenyan,” she said, “which I find ironic.”

The Birthers’ contention that Hawaii is not a state promptly drew support from one leading Republican politician, former Governor Sarah Palin.

“To be honest, it’s something I’ve always kind of wondered about,” Gov. Palin said. “Ha waii just is n’t an Amer ican-sounding name, like Alaska.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

WASHINGTON strongest possible monitoring of events from – As pro-de mocafar.” racy protests spread Joining her at the State Department press around the world, conference, President Barack Obama echoed the US State Deher statement, telling reporters, “I am behind partment today isSecretary Clinton’s mixed message 100%.” sued its stron gest “To dictators who think they can get away words to date about with oppressing their people, let me say this,” the situation, offerPresident Obama continued. “The United ing “to stand by States of America is standing by, thousands w h ich ev er s id e of miles away, to see how this mess turns “Strongest possible monitoring.” winds up winning.” out.”

That pro-winning-side message, articulated toAs for any possible change in policy in the fuday by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, was in- ture, Secretary Clinton seemed to rule that out: tended to send a clear signal that the United States “We will remain consistent in our policy of issuis willing to put all of its power and prestige on the ing meaningless statements at random intervals.” line as soon as matters are settled by others.

Sec. Clinton, however, did urge dictators to re“The United States has and will always be a sist the temptation to pass power on to their sons: beacon of freedom and democracy,” Secretary “If that had happened on ‘The West Wing,’ that Clinton said. “And in that capacity, we are vigi- would have been Charlie Sheen.” lantly standing on the sidelines and offering the Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

Afraid to Watch the News, Millions Turn to Fox Channel offers welcome break from reality, psychologists say NEW YORK – With unprecedented crises enMr. Klugian says he now records the program gulfing the world, millions of television viewers and watches it every day when he gets home for are finding the news too stresswork: “For one hour at least, I ful to watch – and are turning to know that I can kick back and the Fox News Channel instead. not hear anything that’s going “Things are so bad in the on in the world.” world right now, many people He said that watching Fox are afraid to watch the news,” had also introduced him to “my s ay s p s y c h ol o g is t D a vis favorite new comedian – this Logsdon, who studies the relah y s t e r i c a l w o ma n n a m e d tion ship be tween news conMichele Bachmann.”

Fiction a nice diversion for many. sump tion and stress at the “She was doing this bit about University of Minnesota. “For them, Fox News how the American Revolution started in New represents a welcome break from reality.”

Hampshire, not Massachusetts, and then she Tracy Klugian, 37, a systems analyst from started mixing up where Lexington and Concord Lansing, Michigan, said that he was flipping the were,” he said. “Okay, I know it sounds really stuchannels to find “anything but news” and found pid, but I almost peed myself.” himself watching Fox for the first time.

Elsewhere, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker said “They had this guy on – something Beck I he is not worried how history will remember him think his name was – and he was just going on and “because if I have my way, there won’t be any hison, making stuff up,” he said. “I was like, this is tory teachers.” the kind of mindless junk I need right now.”

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

Seasonal Asset Disorder

by Kate Morrison, Humor Times Seasonal Asset Disorder (SAD), also known as tax depression or tax blues, is a mood disorder in which people with abundant financial security experience feelings of scarcity and financial insecurity.

Sufferers begin to feel what they have may not be enough, and then begin to be resentful about paying their share. Those with SAD often h a v e trou ble d i scerning wants from needs and the d i s o rder can lead to extremely delusional thinking regarding what is enough.

Most people who get SAD just get SADder and SADder. The disorder affects approximately 20% of the US population and can be severe for those making $300K per year or more.

It effects an inordinate amount of sports stars, entertainers and congressmen. It is estimated that SAD costs the US billions of dollars each year in lost tax revenue.

Symptoms vary widely but often include a burning desire to establish trusts and foundations, a need to establish family vacation property as ranch property, or wanting to designate large family estates as agricultural land. SAD people move money to offshore accounts, believe pets are dependent children and even claim charitable donations they have not made.

Over half of the people with SAD have never worked at job other than managing the family trust. If left completely untreated, many SAD people flock to the Republican and Tea Parties.

To severe sufferers, things like tax cuts for the rich, eliminating programs for senior citizens and even denying access to basic health care to the less fortunate can seem reasonable and responsible. “Crazy ideas can appear like good fundamental ideas to SAD people,” said one clinical expert.

Unfortunately, most who do seek treatment look to tax accountants and tax attorneys only to find they too are SAD.

CBS Cancels ‘Two and a Half Men’; Will Instead Mount Camera on Charlie Sheen’s Head Jesus, Satan Appear in Historic Two-Minute TV Segment ‘More entertaining,’ network says

Debate good, evil

HOLLYWOOD – In a dramatic announcement today, CBS said it would cancel the hit sitcom Two and a Half Men and instead mount a 24-hour cam era on Charlie Sheen’s head.

“After care ful consideration, we’ve decided this would be much more entertaining for our viewers,” said CBS spokesperson Carol Foyler.

Ms. Foyler said that Mr. Sheen’s head had been fitted with a rugged camera more often used in war zones like Afghanistan and Iraq.

The first episode of the show, in which Mr. Sheen wakes up after a night of partying with porn stars, has already been screened for CBS executives who pronounced themselves “delighted” with the results.

“To be honest, we were all surprised how much it played like an episode of CSI,” she said.

Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

NEW YORK – In what some call a milestone in cable news history, Jesus and Satan appeared on CNN today in a brief two-minute segment.

The segment, a debate over Good versus Evil moderated by CNN host Brooke Baldwin, was believed to be the first joint appearance ever by Jesus and his arch-nemesis on cable news.

“We were first approached by Jesus’ people who said He would be interested in coming on,” Ms. Baldwin said. “But we thought it would be important to put Satan on with Him, for balance.”

20

The two luminaries did not appear in the CNN studio, but were shown on a split-screen as they made their appearances from Heaven and Hell.

During the segment Satan interrupted and shouted over Jesus several times, despite Ms. Baldwin urging him to let Jesus speak.

“I’m trying to turn the other cheek, Brooke, but really,” a visibly frustrated Jesus said.

The debate was brought to abrupt close at the two-minute mark, at which point Ms. Baldwin said, “Well, gentlemen, I’m afraid we’ll have to leave it there.”

Ms. Baldwin said that the network would be happy to have both Je sus and Sa tan on Debate: Good vs Evil. again to continue the conversation, then switched to CNN’s continuing coverage of the Charlie Sheen situation.

But any hopes for a return engagement of Jesus and Satan on CNN were dashed later in the day, when it was announced that Satan had signed an exclusive deal to become a contributor on Fox. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate

Misspelling of ‘Libya’ in Search Engines Causes Traffic Spike on Porn Sites Worldwide GLENDALE, CA – Anxious to find news about the unrest in the country of Libya, eager internet searchers have misspelled the name of that nation and found themselves looking at pictures and posts not necessarily from North Africa.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said adult entertainment mogul Jack de Wilde after all of the servers at his company’s headquarters crashed this past week. “Celebrity nip slips, John Edwards and his mistress, Britney Spears’ weekly

mishap–none of them came close to generating this kind of traffic.”

“I remember something like this happening last year,” said Internet expert Cody Naultson from his homeroom class at George McClellan Junior High in Pennsylvania. “I was doing a social studies report on the protests in the capital of Thailand, Bangkok, and got some pretty gross search results.”

It has been a particularly hectic week for

HUMOR TIMES

Missy Crystal. Before entering the adult film industry, Ms. Crys tal was a Senior Fellow at the Center for North African Studies, a foreign policy think tank.

She has spent the past week field ing ques tions about Bad search results.

Muammar Gaddafi at lotsaporn.com.

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

April, 2011

Movie review

“Paul”

by Gary Chew It seems there’s a new slacker/geek/road movie show ing ev ery week at my lo cal cineplex. At first blush, you might be fooled into thinking that this week’s release is a documentary or even a biopic about the only knighted Beatle on the planet. Nope, that’s not the case with “Paul.”

Yes, “Paul” is the name of the film... but it’s also a diminutive other-world alien who gets encountered, up close and personally, in the vicinSimon Pegg with alien. ity of Area 51 by two comic book geeks from England named Graeme and Clive. Simon Pegg any kind. But the CGI’d Paul (voiced by the one and Nick Frost jolly well accomplish those roles and only Seth Rogen of “Knocked Up” fame) is also a fugitive, a slacker, a joker and a celebrity, handily, thank you.

Besides being heavy fans of pulp fiction, of sorts, who’s been covertly hanging out on our Graeme and Clive are big time into UFO shit planet long enough to have absorbed more haband, having just left San Diego’s Comic-Con, its of earthlings than you might think. Paul, we are RV-ing (a requisite for all good road movies) find, is even known, occasionally, among other east across America. Other than to pause for so- alleged earthly pleasures, to do a little weed.

(There’s even a scene das, dogs, chips, and gas, around a camp fire that their itin er ary in cludes has Paul toking up with venues where memorable his buds much like we events with an extraterreslaugh ingly re mem ber trial flare have gone Jack Nicholson doing in down: the secret Nevada “Easy Rider.” Now, tell mystery base being one ... me THAT isn’t a funny!) as well as the notorious Rogen, Pegg and Frost Roswell, New Weirdo are the perpetrators of this Mexico.

Kristen Wiig. pretty damned funny It’s not long af ter Graeme and Clive have motored into Area 51’s script that arcs nicely, in familiar ways, and endesolation that they meet up with Paul. Paul is, tertained the hell out of lots of folks the night I likely, the coolest, freakin’ alien with whom any saw it at a downtown screening.

Nice touches are also made with supporting earthling will ever make a close encounter of

play ers ap pear ing in “Paul.” Take “ Gl e e ’s ” J a ne Ly n c h a s a diner/roadhouse bartender. Or, Jeffrey Tambor, of “The Larry Sanders Show,” cast as an arrogant sci-fi author named (get this), Adam Shadowchild. Then there’s an ever solid Jason Bateman being an icy, cold government agent with an inalienably kick-butt boss known as The Big Guy–-who turns out to be Sigourney Weaver, and in a gown, too.

Bill Hader, Tulsa’s own SNL-er, also shows up as Agent Haggard, one of the less deft government cops on-the-hunt for the on-the-lam little extraterrestrial dude.

Toward the close of “Paul,” watch for Gwenyth Paltrow’s mom, Blythe Danner, to pop up and take a brief turn as the older woman who, as a little girl, saved Paul after he smashed into Earth way back in ‘47. You’d think this list of pretty slick actors must’ve fallen all over themselves trying to get into the “Paul” cast... and pro bono at that, maybe.

Extra comedy and a lit tle romance come in the form of Kristen Wiig, also of “Saturday Night Live.”

She does the role of Ruth Buggs, the apple of Graeme’s eye... as well as the abducted but not-so-hip adopted daugh ter of Mo ses Buggs, the proprietor of the isolated Pearly Gates RV Camp. John Carroll Lynch is Moses.

You can see him in “Fargo,” as well as “Shutter Island.”

“Superbad” director Greg Mottola allows for a so in-the-niche genre motion picture with “Paul,” but the writing, dialogue and cast bring

m o r e l i fe t o t h i s g oo f y f i l m t h a n t h e slacker/geek/road movie that opened last week... or, probably, the one scheduled to open next week. So, I would go so far as to predict that “Paul” may be the funniest forgettable film to be released in a while.

What would make “Paul” a better, funnier movie are two more cameo roles: those being David Duchovny as Fox Mulder and Gillian Anderson as Dana Scully. The X-Filers would make their entrances just as the saucer silently rises from the parched earth and, instantaneously, slices into the dark night for an unknown solar system.

Yo! The Mirth is Out There.

Nick Frost, Simon Pegg.

(By the way, this is really a classy film. It’s not every day you get to listen to Richard Strauss’ “Also Sprach Zarathustra” on a trailer sound track. Such heaviness is only for Stanley Kubrick films and movies scripted by Rogen, Pegg and Frost. So, count your lucky stars, and watch it again.)

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April 22, 2011, 7pm at the Coloma Community Center, 46th & T, Sacramento. Advance tickets available at www.humortimes.com! See back cover for more info.

April, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

21

Shared Sacrifice (for Some) As the budget battle wore on...

Obama worked to prove his mettle.

Sacrifices would have to be made, they said... across the board – except for the Board.

Even PBS is on the chopping block... as are public services of all kinds. (continued)

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April, 2011

Meanwhile, the Wisconsin governor took the opportunity...

to wage war on unions, after giving tax breaks to big biz.

We may owe them for many benefits we enjoy... but unions are no longer relevant, we’re told...

and they are actually the cause of all our problems, you see.

How convenient for Big Biz!

April, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

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Insight on Cartoonists:

Harley Schwadron

by S.L. Chandler In jolly old London town there’s a place called Harley Street where top-notch physicians do everything they can to improve your health.

The same can be said about Harley Schwadron, whose light touch with the pen and well-honed sense of humor contribute to the well-being of anyone who views his op-ed cartoons and illustrations, which are widely syndicated – just look at The Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Readers Digest, Barrons, for 15 years the pages of England’s Punch, and the last few years in the Humor Times (see to left), among many others.

He’s also done hundreds of book illustrations from 101 Presidential Jokes for Scholastic to 25 different Chicken Soup for the Soul books. A remarkably busy fellow, he now resides in Ann Arbor, Michigan where he draws cartoons for the University of Michigan “Alumnus,” many other college publications and has been reprinted in more than 1,000 college and professional texts. He also does a daily cartoon business panel syndicated by the Chicago Tribune Media Services called “9 to 5.”

Harley con jec tured on what his for mer schoolmates and teachers might say if they could see him now: “Do you really make a living doing this?” He clearly does, and he shared a favorite cartoon of his. It is a favorite of mine too: “It’s a cartoon I did showing a guy on a deserted island. A guy in a suit comes by in a motorboat and says, ‘Hi, I’m from your alumni association.’ This cartoon first sold to Harvard Business Review and then resold many times.”

Schwadron’s work has had, in his own words, “Lots of low points. Cartooning is filled with rejection. For every cartoon sold there are hundreds that are submitted and rejected in the free lance cartoon field.”

Still, he does have the satisfaction in “enjoying the creation of cartoons. Coming up with

ideas is sometimes diffi cult, but the drawing – putting ink on paper – is a joy.

And there’s the sat is fac tion of Harley Schwadron producing something creative every day.”

He’s been lucky too, telling us that “no one has opposed my attempts to create and publish cartoons except for a few un-welcoming editors.” And as he tells young cartoonists about pursuing a career like his, “I think artistic people have to follow their hearts and hope for the best.”

His own tastes run to George Lichty (Grin and Bear It), Henry Martin (Good News, Bad News) Joe Mirachi, New Yorker magazine veteran and the won der ful ma ca bre work of Charles Addams. I share his delight with these fine fellows too.

We asked him if the Internet has been a help to him, and he told us, “I still draw cartoons on paper and scan them on the computer. The scanning is boring and time consuming, but,” he acknowledges, “it’s a good way to get timely cartoons out fast.”

As for the graphic novel, which permeates much conversation about cartooning these days, Schwadron says he doesn’t think he, “could do graphic novels. I have a short attention span.

Doing individual cartoons is more up my alley.”

In the world of mo tor cy cles, own ing a Harley is considered quite a coup, but if you own a Harley Schwadron illustrated work (and there are many), you don’t even have to wear a helmet.

Cartoons by Harley Schwadron can be seen at www.schwadr oncar t oons.com a n d www.gocomics.com/9to5/.

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April, 2011

Media Madness Rush Limbaugh continues to amaze and astound...

Argus Sez

ARGUS HAMILTON

Beverage Digest said Americans drank a billion cases of Diet Coke and three hundred million cases of wine last year. That’s on top of drugs and fast food. Nuclear radiation arrived and tried to kill a Californian Friday, but it had to take a number at the door.

President Obama went on ESPN and announced his NCAA tournament’s Sweet Sixteen picks. He loves sports. The closest he came to mentioning Japan was when he predicted that the Albuquerque Isotopes will win the Pacific Coast League this summer.

Japan’s earthquake shut down Toyota’s Prius plant in northeastern Japan until further notice.

It hit Al Gore pretty hard. The Prius is so environmentally friendly that it tries to run you off the road so you’ll be forced to take public transportation.

President Obama assured Californians the nuclear plume from Japan was not dangerous.

Not that danger would get anyone’s attention out here. If the emergency siren in Los Angeles doesn’t sound like a cell phone ring tone, nobody will think it’s for them.

award shows continue to get great ratings...

Cal Tech scientists backed the president, saying the nuclear plume poses no danger to Southern California. It didn’t spoil the St. Patrick’s Day fun in L.A. That’s when everyone wears their green card pinned to their shirt to keep from getting pinched.

President Obama flew to Rio to address Brazil from Rio’s famous Cinelandia plaza. It had to be epic. His speech was viewed by one hundred million Brazilians, which by amazing coincidence, is also the size of the federal budget deficit.

The GOP National Committee hinted they’ll sponsor their own presidential primaries next

year and auction the TV rights to the highest bidder. Now Sarah Palin and Donald Trump have to run. Tens of millions would tune in to see if she shoots him after he fires her.

Charlie Sheen tweeted he’s writing a movie about his life in the Hollywood fast lane. He’s encouraged by the response. Charlie doesn’t have a studio movie deal yet but Kinko’s is really interested in the idea of making multiple copies of his screenplay.

Hillary Clinton revealed she will step down as Secretary of State after the first term ends.

She said the job requires her to spend all her time away from home. That prompted Bill Clinton to call the president and volunteer to take her place.

The Centers for Disease Control said U.S. life expectancy reached a new high recently.

Most of us now live to be seventy-eight. The next day House Republicans proposed that Social Security benefits begin to kick in at age seventy-nine.

President Obama sought U.N. sanctioned air action against Moammar Khadaffi just as the rebels were collapsing. The world waited three weeks for the president’s decision. The Obama Doctrine states that the U.S. is in favor of everything and nothing except, of course, when it’s not.

Gerald Ford’s statue was shipped to Capitol Hill where it will stand in Statuary Hall after it’s unveiled in May. He was our best-liked president. The Bob Hope Classic was played every year on four adjoining golf courses in Palm Springs and Jerry never knew which one he was going to play until he hit his first tee shot.

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25

Man claims Dr. Phil warning of alien invasion as reason for speeding SALISBURY, NC – Using a high-pitched voice, television host Dr. Phil warned 21-year-old Rowan County resident Richard Blanscet that an alien invasion had begun near his home off Scout Road.

Anxious to save the life of his girlfriend, Blanscet left his home in his father’s 1997 Jaguar XK8 and went to “rescue” her.

At least, that’s the story Blanscet told investigators after he crashed the Jaguar several times, while fleeing from deputies at speeds greater than 100 miles an hour. Blanscet told deputies he had been smoking a “legal form of marijuana” called “Wicked X Herbal Smoke” when he had the dire warning from Dr. Phil.

Blanscet said the “alien invasion” felt very real to him.

“When this was happening I was not high, the noises from the TV were hurting my brain in a way that made me want to vomit," Blanscet said, “That got rid of any sort of high I could have had.”

He says the aliens were coming through his electronics in his home.

After he slammed down two phones, pulled the smoke detector off the wall and turned off the televison, he left the home. He stepped outside and believed he saw and heard a helicopter – which he believed to be aliens coming after him. When he saw the blue lights from the deputy’s cruiser during the chase, he says he also believed that to be the ‘aliens.’

“I wasn’t high,” he said. “This was reality to me.”

Not-so-fast getaway DAYTON, OH – Police say a man robbed a bank and then tried to flee on a public bus, where officers eventually caught up with him.

Dayton police Sgt. Moe Perez said the suspect got away with cash from a downtown KeyBank branch at around 10 a.m. Police were told by witnesses that they saw the man catch a bus about two blocks away.

Officers followed the route of the bus and pulled it over less than a mile away. Perez says the suspect was arrested without incident and the money was recovered. Police haven’t said how much was stolen.

Drunk driver approached police to complain WESTMINSTER, CO – Police in Colorado said a woman was arrested for drunken driving when she approached police at a crash site to complain about their parking.

Westminster police said they were attempting to coax a drunk driver involved in a collision to exit his vehicle at the time.

“The first drunk was actually in his car and he wouldn’t put it in park and the car was running,” police investigator Trevor Materasso said.

“So, the officers were on the passenger side of the car trying to get it safe, so that he couldn’t drive away and hit somebody else.”

Materasso said another motorist then got out of her car and approached the man’s vehicle.

“The officers are saying, ‘Ma’am, you need to go back to your car.’

And she gets belligerent with them, telling them it was a stupid place to do a traffic stop,” he said. “And it turns out she too was drunk. I wish every drunk would seek us out. It would be great.”

Butts testifies in Boob murder trial BELLEFONTE, PA – A trial is underway of two people accused of conspiring to kill one of the defendant’s husband.

Mirinda Boob and Ronald Heichel are charged with 1st degree murder in the 2009 killing of Samuel Boob.

The prosecution called Kermitt Butts to the stand. Butts said that Heichel told him that he wanted to kill Samuel because he was abusing his wife, Mirinda. However, Butts did have some problems remembering dates and specifics.

Heichel is accused of shooting Samuel twice with a shotgun. Prosecutors say Mirinda set it all up and convinced him to do the killing.

Calls 911 from inside jail, says held against his will 911 dispatch operators are used to bizarre calls, but they probably have never had one from a man calling from inside a jail to complain that he was being held against his will until this week.

Cops were called to the Water Street Bar in Sandusky after 3 a.m. after Joseph Walsh, a 26-year-old, allegedly tried to start a couple of fights.

He was belligerent with officers, refusing to obey their orders to calm down, and instead continuing to chirp at his friends. Once he shoved another man, cops searched him, finding a bag of cocaine and a rolled up $20. After that he was in handcuffs and on his way to jail.

It was there, however, that things got real interesting. According to the Morning Journal, an officer left Walsh alone in a holding cell, and Walsh took out his cell phone and dialed 911 to let the proper authorities know that he was being held against his will. The dispatcher seemed confused after she verified that Walsh was dialing from inside his cell. She transferred him to the county jail, which is where he thought he was. The man who answered the phone there was equally confused by Walsh’s call, since Walsh was not at the county jail.

Walsh now faces charges of misuse of 911 in addition cocaine possession.

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April, 2011

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Don’t Miss the Party of the Year: The Humor Times 20th Anniversary Variety Show Extravaganza!

April 22, 2011, 7pm at the Coloma Community Center, 46th & T, Sacramento. Advance tickets available at www.humortimes.com! See back cover for more info.

April, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

27

Miscellaneous Mischief

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April, 2011

More Mischief

April, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

29

Still More Mischief

30

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April, 2011

April, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

31

®

[

Formerly the

Anniversary Variety Show Extraveganza!

Featuring

[

Friday, April 22nd, 7PM Coloma Community Center 4623 T Street, Sacramento

Will Durst, America’s Foremost Political Comic!

Five-time Emmy nominee, regular commentator on NPR and CNN, nationally touring comedian who has appeared on Letterman, Comedy Central, HBO and Showtime, seven-time nominee for the American Comedy Awards Stand Up of the Year, and of course, long-time columnist featured in the Humor Times/Comic Press since the early days, Will Durst is not to be missed!

Will Durst

A variety show in cooperation with Access Sacramento, which is celebrating its 25th anniversary, the event is taking on a bit of a 50's theme, featuring Sister Swing, a vocal jazz trio out of Sacramento, who will perform a few humorous songs, and an appearance by Marilyn Monroe! There will be a magician, jugglers, the Sac City Rollers (women's roller derby team), Sacramento’s longest-running long-form improv show, the Anti-Cooperation League and more!

Food and drink will be available, including a beer & wine bar.

Doors open at 6:30pm. Come join the fun, and help us celebrate 20 years of great political satire in California’s capitol!

Only $15 Advance, $20 at the Door Advance tickets available at: Access Sacramento (address above) and online at www.humortimes.com