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HUMOR TIMES
June, 2011
Editor’s Letter The wicked witch is dead! Alright, wicked warlock. Terrorist. Whatever! He’s history. Now can we get out of Afghanistan? Pretty please?? And Iraq? And while we’re at it, let’s stop right now and not get involved in Lybia. Sure, fledgling revolutions for democracy can use some help, but we always seem to do more harm than good when we go in and occupy. So let’s just occupy our own country and spread some democracy there, shall we? It can use an infusion, as democracy seems to be leaking away in places like Wisconsin and Michigan, etc. Yeah, in Michigan, the governor (with the help of his Republican legislature) has decided he can go in and fire a mayor and city council of a town if he deems it necessary, and install a corporate “manager.” So what if the people elected their own representatives?! Wow... Ok, so anyway, we’ve got some announcements: Congratulations to Debra Smith of Sacramento, won the W.E.T. Rafting Trip, in the contest advertised on the back cover of our April 20th Anniversary Issue, and announced on our Humor Times Facebook page (please “like” us there if you haven’t already)! Thanks to W.E.T. for that generous donation to help us celebrate, and for their other donation of a raffle prize (also a whitewater rafting trip) during our Anniversary Variety Show Extravaganza, April 22nd. We also received generous donations of raffle prizes from: Dr. Okazaki, Davis Food Co-op, Capital Athletic Club, John Reiger Pottery, Green Tortoise, A-Z Chiropractic, Original Home Brew Outlet, Omsoft, Pacific Western Traders, California WorldFest, Hoppy Brewing Company and the Crest Theatre. Thanks so much to all of those businesses, and to the many who advertised with us for our very special, 32 page, Anniversary Issue (April)! P.S. If you missed our event, you can watch it on Access Sacramento (Comcast channel 17), where it is being broadcast not once, not twice, but 18 times! So you’ve got no excuse for missing it, especially since you can also watch the program on Access’ website at www.accesssacramento.org at the same times. Since it’s too much to list here, go to the editor’s letter on our website at www.humortimes.com/ed-let.htm to check out the showtimes. P.P.S. Wondering what the real skinny is on the Fukushima reactors, now that the lamestream media has forgotten all about it? Arnie Gundersen, a nuclear engineer who was a nuclear industry executive for many years, has posted updates that are very interesting at vimeo.com/23680177. – James Israel, Publisher/editor
Califor nia Stage presents
How Else Am I Supposed to Know I'm Still Alive?
Humor Times (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 20, Issue 234, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 4208 Norton Way, Sacramento, CA 95820. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Inc., Galt, CA 95632. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lester, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2011. No part may be reproduced without permission.
This hilarious show that surveys the lives of two single middle aged Chicanas as they struggle to deal with deal with loneliness, sexuality, and friendship. Written by Evelina Fernandez • Directed by Antonio Jarez Starring S.J. Andrea "Yaya" Porras and Nicole Limon
July 1 through July 31, 2011 Tickets: $15.00 for General Admission, $12.00 for seniors, students, and SARTA members. Groups of four or more cost $10.00 each. Fridays & Saturdays at 8:00 pm and Sundays at 2:00 pm.
Three Penny Theater in the R25 Arts Complex • 1725 25th Street, Midtown aa Easy free parking available • Reservations: 916-451-5822 or online at www.CalStage.org
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June, 2011
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HUMOR TIMES
3
Mission Accomplished – No, Really! After one very long decade...
revenge was ours...
and bin Laden sleeps with the fishes.
raising doubts about our “ally.”
4
He was found hiding in plain sight...
He had things in common with the “Great Satan.”(continued)
HUMOR TIMES
June, 2011
The prez proclaimed the death of our #1 enemy...
but wouldn’t show the photos.
It was clear to some that torture works...
but Obama’s triumph was also sheer torture for the GOP.
Bin Laden’s demise was predicted widely, even here...
June, 2011
HUMOR TIMES
but it could’ve been done more efficiently.
5
Comedians for a Newt Candidacy Run, Newt, Run! Out of elective politics for over a decade, dithering on the sidelines like a moody Southern fried Hamlet, Newt Gingrich jumped back into the ring announcing plans to run for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination. And for every analyst and every pundit and every satirist everywhere, allow me to say: Hooray! Thank you, kind sir, may I have another? His re-entrance onto center stage is welcome on many fronts. First off, the guy’s name is Newt. Never in the annals of political mockery have we had the chance to make herpetological jokes before or after. And rest assured we will avail ourselves of the opportunity. Expect the phrase Lizard-Boy to reassume a central role in the national lexicon soon. Then there’s his penchant for routinely ratcheting the rhetoric up past eleven. Hundred. Our recent precipitous plunge into polarization can easily be traced to Gingrich’s scorched earth ascension in the early 90s. There are no honorable opponents in Newt World, only despicable traitors. Each disagreement, a nuclear war. And anybody who isn’t a white male Christian poses a major threat to democracy as we know it and should be vaporized only after having his knees broken as an example. “Obama is the most radical president in American history and views the citizenry through a Post-Colonial Kenyan perspective.” “The gay fascist movement wants to overthrow the government and destroy religion through violence.” He’s a trash-talking intellectual poseur with the subtlety of a hippo in a tutu.
The good news for Gingrich is that he ranks very high in recognition polls. The bad news for Gingrich is that he ranks very high in recognition polls. The founder and spokesman of Renewing American Leadership comes equipped with more baggage than a Carnival Cruise liner taking on the contents of two stranded sister ships. Might be three people tops in the country whose opinions of the former Speaker of the House haven’t solidified like frozen chicken grease. Love him or hate him, there’s no in-between; and that includes his own party. To some Republicans, he’s Moses who led them out of the desert to the promised land of taking back the House in 94, for the first time in 40 years. To others he’s Voldermort. Sparking an ill-fated government shutdown then resigning under a cloud of ethics violations: some still refer to him as “He Who Must Not Be Named.” Dr. Newton Leroy Gingrich is generally considered an ideas man. Not good ideas necessarily, but big ideas. Accusing enemies of being socialist Nazis. That’s new. Also odd ideas, like claiming his adulterous behavior stemmed from loving his country too darn much. So essentially, he did to two mistresses what he wanted to do to us. Thanks ladies. And yet, he attracts evangelical followers with his traditional family values platform. And having three wives just proves he’s Extra Traditional. Gingrich can’t win and if he’s half as smart as he thinks he is, he has to know that. So, why is he running? To what end? Increased face-time to sell more of his twenty plus books? Can’t get
WILL DURST
enough of the sound of his own voice? Or is his responsibility simply to throw bombs at all the major edifices and let Mitt Romney waltz through the smoldering ruins unscathed? The only problem is, like sweaty nitroglycerine, Mr. Gingrich is highly charged and unpredictable. A human IED. Run. Newt. Run. Obama Gets Osama Pull the banner out of storage and string it back across the aircraft carrier. Because this time, Mission Really Accomplished. Barack bested bin Laden. Obama got Osama. Or as the right wing talk shows probably reported it, “Alien President Murders Muslim Brother.” Though not a big fan of the whole killing thing, it would take a stupendously bloodless American to decline the pleasure of hammering a couple of nails into this particular coffin. The most wanted man on the planet. Found. And you had to admire the way it was done; members of Navy Seal Team Six firing two warning shots into the head. One for each tower. The target was totally unarmed and never had a chance. That’s known as synchronicity. Live by the sneak attack, die by the sneak attack. President George W Bush famously said: “He can run, but he can’t hide,” and finally was proved right. Although you got to admit, bin Laden gave it a good run: 9 years, 230 days. Think he might have earned Hide and Seek Grand Master Championship status. An award that alas, must be presented posthumously. Buried at sea, but that’s just a polite way of saying the carcass was kicked overboard. An extreme act of pollution, upon which the Arabian Sea EPA surely frowned. Hopefully, the architect of Ground Zero won’t float across to the Sea of Japan into all that radiation – could spawn a training school of three eyed mutant terrorists. In a way, it’s too bad we ditched him so soon. Mucho bucks could have been raised by touring the country giving ordinary folks a chance to pose with the corpse like they used to do in the Old West. “Get your picture taken with the Butcher of 911. 10 bucks.” Could have carted the remains around in a refrigerated casket shoved onto the bed of a Ford F-250 traveling to County Fairs and Tractor Pulls. Like what happened with the World Series trophy only with more punching. Eventually the cadaver would end up in Vegas with its own Cirque du Soleil show, or as one of the stiffer stiffs on “Dancing With the Stars.” The Pakistanis aren’t happy. First they claimed to be an integral partner in the operation. Unh-hunh. “ Thanks for your assistance. Here’s a broom. Got to go.” Now they’re whining it made them look bad. You know, our role in making you look bad is superfluous. Head Honcho Al Qaeda himself living for 5 years behind your version of West Point and nobody notices? Right. Like Lady Gaga hiding out at the Vatican. Either you’re complicit, stupid, incompetent, or both. The safe house was not equipped with internet or phone connection and they burned their trash inside the compound. So, if you think of it, he pretty much was living in hell. All we did was change the location. We also managed to retrieve a sizable cache of computer disks, which hopefully will reveal a vast network of terrorist contacts and sleeper cell structures, but we all know what’s really on them. Porn. Hot stuff. Muslim women wearing see-through burkas. Beard on veil action. But now, thank god, this whole thing is over and our troops can come home and we won’t have to take off our shoes at the airport anymore and can turn our attention to hunting down the next biggest threat to democracy: Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out willdurst.com to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”
“The beautiful ones, the accomplished ones, the Einsteins, the Shakespeares, the homeless guys in the street with the wine bottles, all end up in the same grave. So, I have a very dim view of things, but I think about them, and I do feel that I've come to the conclusion that the artist can not justify life or come up with a cogent reason as to why life is meaningful, but the artist can provide you with a cold glass of water on a hot day.” – Woody Allen
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HUMOR TIMES
June, 2011
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HUMOR TIMES
7
Wanted: One White Knight The GOP hopes to conjure up the perfect candidate...
but there’s a lot of in-fighting.
Gingrich offered his vast campaign experience... while Trump, too, toyed with the idea...
but the public doesn’t quite trust him... and in the end, he decided against it.
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HUMOR TIMES
June, 2011
Mediscare
Royally Hitched
Republican Rep. Ryan sprang an Easter Surprise...
The world was into them...
but the proposal didn’t quite fly...
and they were into Americans...
and who knows where it all could lead? and the public’s reaction was the real surprise for the GOP.
June, 2011
HUMOR TIMES
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What They’re Saying Thanks to an extraordinary investigative effort by a Senate subcommittee that unilaterally decided to take up the burden the criminal justice system has repeatedly refused to shoulder, we now know exactly what Goldman Sachs executives like Lloyd Blankfein and Daniel Sparks lied about [in testimony before Congress]. We know exactly how they and other top Goldman executives, including David Viniar and Thomas Montag, defrauded their clients. America has been waiting for a case to bring against Wall Street. Here it is, and the evidence has been gift-wrapped and left at the doorstep of federal prosecutors, evidence that doesn’t leave much doubt: Goldman Sachs should stand trial... The moun tain of ev i dence col lected against Goldman by Levin’s small, 15-desk office of investigators — details of gross, baldfaced fraud delivered up in such quantities as to almost serve as a kind of sarcastic challenge to the curiously impassive Justice Department — stands as the most important symbol of Wall Street’s aristocratic impunity and prosecutorial immunity produced since the crash of 2008... Goldman, as the Levin report makes clear, remains an ascendant company precisely because it used its canny perception of an upcoming disaster (one which it helped create, incidentally) as an opportunity to enrich itself, not only at the expense of clients but ultimately, through the bailouts and the collateral damage of the wrecked economy, at the expense of society. The bank seemed to count on the unwillingness or inability of federal regulators to stop them — and when called to Washington last year to explain their behavior, Goldman executives brazenly misled Congress, apparently confident that their perjury would carry no serious consequences. Thus, while much of the Levin report describes past history, the Goldman section describes an ongoing? crime — a powerful, well-connected firm, with the ear of the president and the Treasury, that appears to have conquered the entire regulatory structure and stands now on the precipice of officially getting away with one of the biggest financial crimes in history... If the evidence in the Levin report is ignored, then Goldman will have achieved a kind of corrupt-enterprise nirvana. Caught, but still free: above the law... In late 2006, well before many of the other players on Wall Street realized what was going on, the top dogs at Goldman — including the aforementioned Viniar — started to fear they were sitting on a time bomb of billions in toxic assets. Yet instead of sounding the alarm, the very first thing Goldman did was tell no one. And the second thing it did was figure out a way to make money on the knowledge by screwing its own clients. So not only did Goldman throw a full-blown “bite me” on its own self-righteous horseshit about “internal risk management,” it more or less instantly sped way beyond inaction straight into craven manipulation... Goldman was like a car dealership that realized it had a whole lot full of cars with faulty brakes. Instead of announcing a recall, it surged ahead with a two-fold plan to make a fortune: first, by dumping the dangerous products on other people, and second, by taking out life insurance against the fools who bought the deadly cars... If the Justice Department fails to give the American people a chance to judge this case — if Goldman skates without so much as a trial — it will confirm once and for all the embarrassing truth: that the law in America is subjective, and crime is defined not by what you did, but by who you are. – Matt Taibbi, Rolling Stone, May 11, 2011
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The Hightower Lowdown Wall Street Tames Washington They came, they saw, they conquered. This line pretty well sums up a little-reported but important story about the new tea partiers in the U.S. House of Representatives. No sooner had they arrived than the corporate lobbying corps came to visit, saw what these sup posed re bels were made of and quickly conquered them without a fight. The forces of big business needed only to lay out some campaign cash – and quicker than you can say, “Business as usual,” the budding lawmakers snatched up the money and immediately began carrying the lobbyists’ corporate agenda. Check out the financial services subcommittee, which handles legislation affecting Wall Street bankers. Five tea partiers got coveted slots on this panel, and all five were suddenly showered with big donations from such financial lobbying interests as Goldman Sachs. Now, all five are sponsoring bills to undo parts of the recent reforms to reign in Wall Street excesses. Steve Stivers of Ohio, for example, hauled in nearly $100,000 in just his first two months in office – 85 percent of it from the special interests his committee oversees. He insists that the cash he took from Goldman Sachs and others has nothing to do with his subsequent support of bills that Goldman is lobbying so strongly for. Stivers claims that his sole legislative focus is on jobs for Ohio’s 15th district. Really? Among the deform-the-reform bills that Steve is carrying is one to let Wall Street giants avoid disclosing the difference in what the CEO is paid and what average employ ees
make. Another would exempt billionaire private equity hucksters from regulation. I can see that these bills are great job extenders for the barons of Wall Street, but how do either of them create a single job in his district? This stuff does noth ing but shel ter the greed-headed banksters who wrecked our economy. Is that what the tea party rebellion was all about? While Wall Street is running roughshod all over Americans, it’s good to know that the FBI, Justice Department and federal courts are all over the major crime cases that so dramatically af fect mil lions of Amer i cans. Like the seven-year prosecution and $6 million trial of baseball player Barry Bonds. What a waste of time, tax dollars and prosecutorial credibility. Meanwhile, not a single major player in Wall Street’s mugging of our economy has even been charged, much less imprisoned. People were robbed of hundreds of billions of dollars – and millions of jobs, homes and businesses were lost – yet the banksters not only skated free, they’re now collecting billions in bonus payments for their work. A New York Times investigative report reveals that top Washington officials – Republican and Democrats – rushed to the crime scene at the start of the financial crash. They rushed not to arrest anyone, but to stave off any serious investigations of the top Wall Streeters who’d obviously cooked their books, fraudulently awarded bonuses to themselves, cashed in on inside information and lied to regulators. Barry Bonds might’ve been juiced up on ste-
JIM HIGHTOWER roids, but these guys were juiced up on hubris and greed, doing criminal damage to America. Yet, the FBI was backed off, the Justice Department averted its eyes, and bank regulators failed to build criminal cases. Why? Because top politicos, from George W. Bush to Barack Obama, were convinced by their Wall Street confidants that prosecutions would make big investors jittery and endanger the markets. A couple of weeks after Japan’s nuclear meltdown began, a photograph ran worldwide showing a trio of the nuclear plant’s top corporate executives. They were at the hospital bedside of a victim of radiation poisoning, bowing deeply in apology. That’s the picture of Wall Street executives that I want to see. “The best way to reduce costs and guarantee coverage for all is through a single-payer system like Medicare. This bill does just that – it builds on the new health care law by giving states the flexibility they need to go to a single-payer system of their own. It will also reduce costs, and Americans will be healthier.” – Rep. Jim McDermott, D-WA, on the American Health Security Act of 2011, a bill that would create a state-based system similar to Medicare but open to Americans of all ages.
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June, 2011
Wake-Up Call Climate change is obvious to everyone...
almost.
Extreme weather events are increasing... and you can’t say we weren’t warned.
Meanwhile, Big Oil is slimy as ever... and fracking is causing factions.
June, 2011
HUMOR TIMES
11
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“We Report, You Decry!” Milton Bradley Unveils New Game Called ‘Strife’ Said to be more realistic version of their ‘Life’ game Milton Bradley Company, maker of the game “Life,” is unveiling a new version of the game called “Strife.”
The new game requires players to spin the wheel to determine an initial educational path: Spin 1-7 and you take the high school path, 8-9 and you go to college, and those lucky few who spin a 10 skip to the Dynastic Wealth or Fame path. On the high school path, players must avoid landing on the four spaces marked “Preg nancy,” “Ad dic tion,” “Pov erty,” or “Wrong Place–Wrong Time”; if they do, they must drop out of high school and chose from careers as welfare recipients, cleaning lady or man, dishwasher, or hobo. In these cases, players collect no salary, since it all goes toward living expenses. If they’re lucky enough to avoid those spaces, high school education players choose from career cards for jobs waiting tables, retail, telemarketing and bank teller; salary cards range from $7 to $15 an hour. There are two lucky bonus cards on the high school path: Professional Athlete and Celebrity, where players proceed directly to the Party and Play areas. The college path now goes two ways: Spin to see if you graduate with no debt and pick from the Upper Middle Class career cards that include CEO, CFO, Lawyer, Banker, Bro ker or Pol i ti cian, and pay ranges from $300,000-500,000 per year. Or, take the Disappearing Middle Class path and graduate with $45,000 of debt and choose from career cards that Include Teacher, Small Business Owner, Policeman, Fireman and Sales Person. The pay in this case ranges from $30,000-75,000 per year. Players who go the middle class path must draw from the majority of the tax burden cards and pay the amount shown each time they roll a 5. Players on the Dynas tic Wealth or Fame path proceed directly to the Party and Play areas. Career cards include Reality TV Star, Famous Family Screw up or Politician. There is no salary because the makers said they “couldn’t fit that much money in the box.” There are 20 Bummer squares that include events such as CEO Bank rupts Company, Over-Mortgaged House and Lose It to Foreclosure, and Get Fired for Poorly Worded Tweet. A player that lands on a Bummer square has to give back everything they have and start over again. There are 20 Ac ci dent and Ill ness squares that require a player to spin the wheel to see what amount the insurance company will pay, if at all. All players must purchase several insurance policies but only the one with the golden egg on the card actually pays. When a player’s debt becomes twice their holdings in cash and assets, the player is out and all remaining players give up 10% of everything they own to the banks and credit card companies. This continues until everyone in the game is bankrupt. No one actually wins, but everyone accumulates a lot of stuff. Re ported by Hu mor Times Se nior Games Correspondent, Kate Morrison
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Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
GOP Candidates Clamor for Face Transplants After Successful Surgery All but one hope for a “Reagan face” – Huckabee prefers “Jesus face, but with short hair” A Humor Times Special Report are ready for a real leader, a man like Jesus, and With Republican presidential candidates jock- who better than me, who’s holier than all those eying for position in an uphill battle guys put together?” against a formidable Obama, they Critics, even among Republiare looking for every advantage. cans, say the candidates are too And now, with the nation’s first face quick to em brace such rad i cal transplant a success, many of them change, and that it opens them up to think they have found the solution. charges of being “two-faced.” “Look, we are under no illusion “That’s hooey,” said for mer that Obama will be hard to beat in Mas sa chu setts Gov er nor Mitt 2012, especially after his recent exRomney. “It’s not radical to reach ploits in Pakistan,” said newly deback to a time when Americans felt clared candidate Newt Gingrich. secure and trusted their leader. Of “But we Republicans do not give up Synthetic face: GOP “can’t course, I don’t need the operation, lose” with Reagan look. easily, nor are we very good at facI’m already too sexy for my own ing the truth. We simply change the game.” good.” Tim Pawlenty, the onetime governor of MinneIn a related development, conspiracy theorists sota, says he would make the best Reagan, and the say Osama bin Laden not only survived getting others should “find their own new looks.” “Let’s shot in the face, but he’s already received a Barack ‘face’ the facts,” he explained, using air quotes, “if Obama face transplant. Being tall and dark like Reagan were here today, I’m quite confident he Obama, they theorize, he will have no problem would anoint me as the one to follow in his great taking the president’s place, in an operation they footsteps, and in his great face.” say Al Qaeda had been planning all along. “All these guys wanting to be Reagan, it just “You see, we were right in demanding that shows their unoriginality, and that they are willing Obama be impeached for not being American, we to set their sites too low,” said Mike Huckabee. were just ahead of the curve,” said Minnesota “Me, I’m going for the gusto, I’m ordering a Jesus Representative and presidential hopeful Michele face. Without all the hair, of course. Americans Bachmann.
Bin Laden Invested Millions in Company That Makes 3-oz. Bottles of Liquids and Gels Seized Computers Yield Shocking Discovery WASHINGTON – In a shocking revelation gleaned from computers seized in his compound in Pakistan, Osama bin Laden spent millions of dol lars in vest ing in a com pany that makes 3-ounce bottles of liquid and gels. According to CIA director Leon Panetta, Mr. bin Laden’s fervor for investing in the tiny bottle company, Trav-L-Size Inc., may have dwarfed his passion for jihad. “We haven’t found anything in the computers that indicate Osama bin Laden wanted to rule the world,” Mr. Panetta said. “However, it’s clear that he wanted to corner the market in 3oz bottles.” In addition to Mr. bin Laden’s passion for 3-ounce bottles, seized computer files portray a
man bent on controlling the world’s supply of slip-on shoes and loafers. “Over the last Osama: 3oz bottle biz “good.” nine years, Osama bin Laden had poured millions of dollars into a company called Reid Loafer Inc., founded by the so-called ‘shoe bomber’ Richard Reid,” he said. Mr. Panetta said that the CIA still has much to learn about Mr. bin Laden’s years as a fugitive, but said the fact that he lived in Pakistan for six years without phone service “suggests the involvement of AT&T.” By Andy Borowitz, www.borowitzreport.com
Comedians Beg Trump to Reconsider 20,000 Jokers March on Trump Tower NEW YORK – Distraught at the news that Donald Trump will not seek the Republican nomination for President, the nation’s comedians took to the streets today, begging Mr. Trump to re consider. T h e largest gath er ing of co medians took place in Huge comedian march for Trump. M r . Trump’s hometown of Manhattan, where an estimated crowd of 400,000 jokers marched on Trump Tower. “I for one am devastated that Donald Trump has decided not to throw his hair in the ring,” said Jackie LaRossi, a comedian who is a regular at Manhattan’s Chuckle Barrel comedy club. Shelley Schwartzenbaum, who headlines at the Komedy Kantina in Teaneck, New Jersey, added, “I guess he wanted to spend more time with the family of ferrets who nest on his head.” A huge roar came up from the crowd when Mr. Trump made a brief appearance, reassuring the comedians that he would continue to be a laughingstock in the private sector. But according to Mr. LaRossi, Mr. Trump’s departure from the race will have a severe economic impact on a comedy industry that is still reeling from last fall’s defeat of Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell. “Sure, we’re happy that Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul are in, but frankly, that’s not enough to compensate for Trump being out,” he said. “In the days and weeks ahead you’re going to see comedians putting more pressure on Palin to announce.” Elsewhere, in re porting on Bin Laden’s death, Fox News apologized for mispronouncing Barack Obama’s name as “George W. Bush.” And in other po lit ical news, IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn said the sexual misconduct charges against him would force him to drop out of the race for President of France and run for Prime Minister of Italy instead. By Andy Borowitz, www.borowitzreport.com
GOP Introduces ‘Emergency Dictator’ Bill in House Modeled on Michigan Emergency Manager Law, Republicans hope to “save democracy by temporarily destroying it” A Humor Times Exclusive WASHINGTON, DC – Republican Representative Mike Rogers of Michigan today introduced a bill he called “courageous and necessary,” but which has caused immediate controversy. The proposed legislation, entitled the “A Bill to Allow for Provisions for the Installation of an Emergency Dictator in the Case of Really Bad National Management by an Uncooperative President,” would allow Congress to install a “benevolent” dictator in the White House, but only in “dire emergencies” such as “stalled budgets, inability to raise the debt ceiling, or a president discovered to be ineligible to hold office due to place of birth, etc.” “This bill is only an insurance provision, just in case – we don’t expect to ever have to use it,” said Rep. Rogers, crossing his fingers behind his back. “We’ve also included a ‘super-emergency’ clause, which would allow us to invoke these powers without a vote in the Senate, but only in super-duper-dire emergencies, such as when the
Senate is held by uncooperative Democrats.” “We in Michigan have laid out a roadmap on how to save our country,” said GOP Michigan state Sen. Jack Brandenburg. “When things get in too bad a shape, it may require financial martial law, and that’s what we’ve achieved here. There’s no reason we can’t do it nationally as well.” “I like it,” said GOP presidential hopeful Donald Trump. “It’s all about taking charge. Getting results. Firing incompetent managers. I’m all about that.” Asked if he knew of a good candidate for Emergency Dictator, Trump said, “I don’t like to tout myself, being a humble man, but I’d do an outstanding job. I get things done. And I could save a bundle not having to run for election.” Critics say this bill, as well as the Michigan bill, are unconstitutional. “How are the people being represented when their elected leaders are summarily dismissed and replaced by someone they never voted on?” asked Rep. John Conyers, old-school Democrat from Detroit.
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“ T h a t ’s old fash ioned thinking,” tweeted Sarah Palin, after seeing Mike Rogers of Michigan Conyers on TV. In successive tweets, she said, “We need fresh ideas, bold plans. We don’t need a squirmish over this. Shoot, I must have lived such a doggoned sheltered life as a normal, independent American up there in the Last Frontier, but I say pundits should not manufacture a blood libel when they don’t agree.” Later, on Facebook, Palin posted, “I refudiate that old sentiment of staying with someone just because they were elected in there. I mean, I quit governating, not because I was tired of it, but because I care. No one threw me out. And don’t misunderestimate the GOP on this issue. Some decisions that have been made poorly, it’s complicated, and I too am not knowing, but I think the real America is willing to be considering it.”
June, 2011
Birthers Aborted Obama released his certificate (again)...
to satisfy the lunatic fringe...
who, naturally, remain unconvinced. Most have moved on, however...
to other things. Meanwhile, crackpot-ism lives on.
June, 2011
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Economic Indicators Gas prices continue to rise...
and no one seems to know why...
but it makes it hard to budget. Meanwhile, house prices continue to go the other way...
making it hard to live... as America continues to flirt with disaster.
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Tax Day came and went...
as the battle rages on...
in Congress, where they work to protect... the most vulnerable.
Something has to happen... if we want to reclaim our future.
June, 2011
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Getting Away
World News Mideast despots have a problem...
Things are going wrong for the U.S. in the Mideast...
as does NATO. maybe we should get a clue.
But everything’s cool in Cuba. Meanwhile, the USA remains #1 in one category, at least.
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Argus Sez Donald Trump revealed his daily hair regimen to Rolling Stone. He said that he shampoos daily with Head and Shoulders, combs it forward then combs it back. The story got a lot of play and as a result Head and Shoulders is now outselling Gorilla Glue. The South was swarmed by the sap-sucking cicada bugs recently which hatch and breed every thirteen years. The females attract a male by buzzing loudly. Last week Tiger Woods was gang-raped on the ninth tee when his cellphone went off in his hip pocket. Indiana GOP Governor Mitch Daniels had to explain how his wife divorced him to run off with a doctor in California. After two years with the California doctor she came back and re-married him. He didn’t figure out for six months it was the same woman. London’s Daily Mail reported that Prince William and Duchess Kate will come to Los An-
ARGUS HAMILTON geles in July and then go on a tour of California parks. The reception will be hugely enthusiastic. Californians are all learning English to make them feel welcome and at home. South Carolina lawmakers introduced a bill to allow gold and silver coins to be legal currency in the state as well as the dollar. It could pass. The only thing holding it back is whether the face on the coins should be Jefferson Davis or Glenn Beck. U.S. Senator Jim Inhofe saw the photos of Osama bin Laden’s corpse in mid-May. He said the bullet went into his eye then exploded inside his brain and then it came out his ear. These bullets are so dangerous the rap star Common just did an entire song praising them. President Obama invited the rapper Common to the White House despite his lyrics glorif y i n g a N e w J e r s e y c o p k i l l e r. T h e circumstances permitted it. The president had just blown the head off a terrorist and he needed a little mood music to help him unwind. The Pentagon revealed that U.S. commandos videotaped bin Laden’s killing with twenty-five separate helmet cams. It’s still under review by officials. If it turns out that Osama bin Laden wasn’t armed, the United States could be charged with a timeout. President Obama said economic recovery will take another two years. It’s hampered by high gas prices. When President Obama promised to get the economy on its feet, we didn’t realize it meant our cars would be running on Flintstone power.
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June, 2011
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Miscellaneous Mischief
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Troubletown’s Final Cartoons! Artist Lloyd Dangle says goodbye...
Boy rides out tornado in dryer LENOX, Iowa – Austin Miller was home watching “PBS Kids’’ when the panicked phone call came from his mother. Get in the laundry room, now, she said. There are tornadoes coming. The 11-year-old rode out the storm inside the clothes dryer as the twister demolished the second floor above him, the roof collapsed and debris swirled about. “If he wouldn’t have been in that laundry room, it would have come right down on him,” said the boy’s mother, Jessica Miller, less than 24 hours after a tornado wrecked their home. The town of Lenox and its 1,400 or so residents were pummeled by two tornadoes. No deaths or injuries were reported. Inside the windowless laundry room, stuff started swirling around. Austin opened up the door to the dryer – it’s about 1-by-1½ feet wide – and squeezed in, shutting the door behind him. As he did, some glass struck the outside of the door and shattered. For several minutes he heard the tornado pull his house apart, the sound of glass breaking, of items falling from shelves. Five minutes after things died down, an aunt, Jessica Wambold, came to the house to find him. Only then did he climb from the dryer. Mother and son reunited at the home of her parents. She grabbed hold of him and hugged. “She wouldn’t let go,” Austin said. “I held on to him forever,” Jessica Miller said. Austin said he was “freaking out’’ during the storm. “It was pretty scary,” he said.
Police: Kansas man living with fiancee’s body WICHITA – Police in Wichita say a 57-year-old man lived with the body of his dead fiancee for several days praying she would be brought back to life. Investigators don’t suspect foul play, but an autopsy on the 54-year-old woman was planned Thursday. Calls from neighbors concerned about the woman’s welfare sent police to the home the couple shared. Officers said the man didn’t want to let the officers in. He was detained after they smelled a strong odor. The man told officers he was praying for divine intervention to bring his fiancee back to life. He was taken to a hospital for a mental evaluation. Police believe the woman died about one week earlier.
‘Cutting the cheese’ cuts bus rides for students Two Canal Winchester Middle School students were booted off the school bus last week for, well, passing gas. James Nichols and Kristine Kuzora are upset that their son’s flatulence was designated as an obscene gesture by school officials. Their 13-year-old son and another boy were on the school bus when they both experienced an emission. Children being children, the flatulence apparently caused a ruckus on the bus amid a flurry of laughs, jeers and lowering of windows, Nichols said. Canal Winchester Middle School officials cited the boys for making an obscene gesture in violation of the student code of conduct in revoking their rides to school. The bus driver had warned the boys a few weeks ago after another joint gas attack, so they apparently were designated repeat offenders and handed one-day bus suspensions, Nichols said. Anthony’s parents also are displeased that school officials made a “real stretch” to find an offense that could be cited to suspend the boys from the bus. “Obscene gesture?” Nichols asked. “I wouldn’t call him an angel, but for passing gas on the bus?”
Homeless man compacted w/trash escapes serious injury A 43-year-old homeless man who was dumped from a commercial trash bin into a garbage truck and “compacted” appears to have escaped without serious injury, authorities said. The truck operator compacted the contents of the truck two or three times before realizing a man was inside, apparently. He said the man was yelling and screaming when firefighters arrived. They used ladder to rescue him from inside the truck. The man did not appear to be injured but was taken to a hospital as a precaution. The fact that the truck was not full was credited with sparing the man potentially fatal injuries.
Man makes $120k in two days selling bin Laden t-shirts Twenty-three-year-old New Yorker Maurice Harary had dollar signs in his eyes after hearing the news of Osama bin Laden’s demise. The opportunistic entrepreneur immediately created a website, Osamadeadtees.com, which he had up and running by 3:30 A.M. Monday after the announcement. By Tuesday night, the dude had already sold over 10,000 tees at twelve bucks a pop. “It may be cynical cashing in, but it’s also smart,” said Harary. “Some of the celebrating may be overzealous, but no one’s going to get jumped for wearing a t-shirt that trumpets the death of a national enemy. And people made money off the death of Mother Teresa as well. The almighty dollar has no truck with ideology,” he continued. “So one can proudly express their wish that bin Laden ‘rest in piss.’ Or if that’s too crude, you can just rock a basic ‘Obama killed Osama’ tee, and rile up your Republican friends.”
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