“The elites are not going to help us. We’re going to have to help ourselves.” – Chris Hedges Issue #236
August 2011
Helping People to Laugh About the News, Instead of Cry about It, Since 1991! Formerly the Comic Press News
(About hal f th a subscrip at with tion!)
®
The Humor Times: 20 Years of the Best in Political Satire! Newly Refurbished Website at HumorTimes.com
2
HUMOR TIMES
August, 2011
Editor’s Letter
Super Discounts!
Well, we finally did it. We’ve upgraded the Humor Times website (humortimes.com). It’s been a static html site since its inception, nearly 20 years ago. What that means is it was not interactive, users couldn’t even leave comments. But now we’ve finally joined the 21st century, and upgraded to a CMS (Content Management System) type site. It’s much easier to maintain and update. So we’ll be much better about uploading new content, and you’ll be able to comment on columns, cartoons, whatever, as well as rate them. I hope you’ll check it out and make it one of your frequent destinations! We’re including some other fun interactive stuff to do, like user-created cartoon submissions. That’s right, if you or someone you know likes to draw cartoons, you might get them featured on the Humor Times website, for all the world to see! Uploading them is easy, and if we like it, we’ll post it. Don’t worry, we won’t be too picky, mainly we want to make sure it’s suitable for a wide audience (no profanity, etc), and more than just stick figures and scrawled, unreadable text. But you don’t have to be a professional. There’s a Cartoon Caption Contest too – even if you can’t draw, you can make up the punch lines, and maybe win a prize! You can also submit videos that you’ve created, or just ones you like. And there’s a forum – please join the community conversations! We do want to create a space for like-minded political humor fans to enjoy each other’s company. For instance, you can send messages to others signed up on the site. We plan on adding more community features as we go. We also plan on adding more fun interactive features, so keep checking back. Got some good ideas? Please, by all means, tell us your ideas – use the “Contact us” link in the menu. We think we’ve started something good here, something that will grow. We could use your help. Please surf to humortimes.com, check it out, and tell your friends, by linking to our site on Facebook, Twitter, or whatever. Thank you! – James Israel, Publisher/editor
It’ll be a long season this year, Flows expected through October! Spots are filling up: Call to reserve yours today!
Surf raftwet.com
to our website
for special discounts!
1.888.RAFTWET Be our fan! facebook.com/wetrivertrips Follow us! twitter.com/raftwet
E R R I V
P S T R I
CHECK US OUT ONLINE! Our Facebook page is at www.facebook.com/HumorTimes (fan us!), and we tweet at twitter.com/humortimes.
The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 20, Issue 236, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 4208 Norton Way, Sacramento, CA 95820. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Inc., Galt, CA 95632. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lester, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Tom Toles, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2011. No part may be reproduced without permission.
$1 • SAVE A BUCK by entering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $1 ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!! Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ If a gift, your name: ________________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $19.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $36.95 36 issues (3 years). . . . $53.95 Please Check if RENEWAL
12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $33.95 24 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $65.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $50.95 12 issues/PDF download. . . . . $9.95 Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________
Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a
Or use your: p Discover
p Visa
p Mastercard
p American Express
Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)
Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________ (Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-455-1217.)
August, 2011
Don’t Keep It All to Yourself – Give the HUMOR TIMES! The gift that keeps ‘em laughing all year long!
HUMOR TIMES
3
Debtor Nation It’s an ongoing problem...
that no one really wants to touch.
It’s a delicate issue...
But Republicans have made it clear where they stand...
4
that calls for give and take by both sides.
and now they can’t budge if they wanted to. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
August, 2011
Negotiations are ongoing...
and tough decisions must be made.
It’s a huge deficit...
and someone will have to pay.
It’s time to choose whose side you’re on...
August, 2011
because things could get really ugly.
HUMOR TIMES
5
Congressional Shenanigans Pity the Poor Rich Allow me to offer up a few words in defense of one of the most maligned groups in America today. Citizens, who through a simple twist of fate, are routinely subjected to some of the most scathing condemnation and slanderous stereotyping in the annals of recorded history. Of course I’m talking about those unsung heroes of capitalism, the highly lubed pistons in the engine of our economy: the rich. Isn’t it time we stopped demonizing the wealthy simply because they have a couple more bucks? You’ve heard all the scurrilous charges: Greedy. Selfish. Thieving. Insatiable. Rapacious. Grasping. Hog-like. Power-mad. Heartless. Wear a lot of pink. And what’s the deal with the no socks thing? Like they can’t afford them? People, settle down. The rich are just like the rest of us, only with access to a better class of orthodontists. They put their Egyptian silk trousers on one leg at a time, same as you and me. Besides, wasn’t it God, in the Bible, who said money can’t buy happiness? Although admittedly, it can be used as barter for a lot of stuff that might make you happy: like prescription drugs and bus fare and rent and ramen. Being rich isn’t all a bed of roses, you know. Its not easy having green. You can’t trust anybody. That includes but is not limited to – perfect strangers, casual acquaintances, prospective suitors, family members, non-profit organizations, banks, shysters, crooks and lawyers, but I repeat myself, not to mention the
most dangerous threat of all, other rich people. Do the names Bernie Madoff, Warren Buffett and the Kardashians have any meaning here? Off-shore accounts can be sooooooo confusing. The cost of private jet fuel is legalized extortion. And good housekeeping help is impossible to find. Scoundrels constantly plot to make your money, their money. Hence, rich people are forced to cower in a continual state of paranoia. But like buttery soft vicuna sport coats, it comes with the territory. Nobody robs poor people. Well, actually, rich people rob poor people, but that’s different. That’s business. The main problem with being rich is never having enough money. And while liberals gripe and snipe that the rich and their corporations are sitting on trillions (no, really, trillions) of dollars waiting for the “correct political climate” to rehire workers, the fact that they employ thousands and thousands of lawyers to ferret out loopholes to keep from paying taxes goes criminally unreported. It’s all about jobs. I know what you’re saying, “how can you defend these avaricious squeezebags? These scabrous zits on the forehead of egalitarianism? These predatory pus wads with the principles of diseased weasels in heat.” Well, self-preservation mostly; because someday, like everybody else in this great land of ours, I intend to be rich. A major reason why Democrats find it impossible to wage a class war. The difference is, I’d be a really good rich person. Would
WILL DURST
cheerfully pay my fair share of taxes and regularly engage little people in sparkling small talk and never stiff waiters or prostitutes no matter how lousy the service received. How rich? Filthy rich. Rich enough not to stuff the Kleenex box in my suitcase when I check out of hotel rooms. I’d leave it right there on the bathroom sink for the next guy. Hey, it’s a goal. Killer Carnivorous Snails from France You don’t need me to tell you that this country is broke. Not just broke. Flat busted. Tapped to the max. No bread or cabbage or scratch to speak of. Moolahless. Holes in our pockets. Fresh out of chump change. Sans simoleons. Hands sparkling clean of any filthy lucre. Moths flying out of our wallets. Lot of red numbers. Flinching from the whistle of the wind over our empty piggy banks. Got us a dearth of dead presidents is what we got. So it’s high time we start acting like it. As has been pointed out by pundits and politicians o’plenty, the guvmint needs to do what normal Merican families do when they run into desperate straits: pretend nothing is going on while we watch reality TV shows and drink lots of beer. No, no, no. Tried that. Didn’t work. First off, we got to stop handing over money to rogue nations that simply use it to buy guns they then turn on us. If we insist on helping these toads out, we should eliminate the middleman and furnish the guns direct. We can buy in much bigger bulk than they, procuring them cheaper, saving bundles of cash. And we taxpayers keep the kickbacks instead of the politicians. Win-win. Secondly, we should take advantage of this Arab Spring democracy movement. Provides the perfect cover to lay off some of our under performing dictators. Isn’t it about time we co-opted a new generation of despots? Since they’d be junior journeymen oppressors, they should cost less. Like major corporations lay off expensive senior executives, we’ll replace our pricey aging tyrants. But we all know it’s not enough to make a few minor cuts in the budget, we also have to work on increasing revenue. And I don’t mean selling off ancient public institutions like various national monuments or Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Their resale values ain’t what they used to be. Although it might help to seasonally adjust the bottom line. We need to think outside the box. Direct Research and Development to produce and sell something that every American needs. Like an anti SARS serum. The deal is, we engineer and market the antidote now, then fashion a huge penicillin-resistant SARS scare later, and have the FDA approved shot or salve or cream or clear or whatever available at your local pharmacy in time for cold and flu season? Tie-Ming. Not just a city in China. Doesn’t have to be SARS. Could be anything. If SARS is too scary for the squeamish, lay down a few well-placed rumors of rampaging mutant Killer Carnivorous Snails from France and change the product to Fast Acting Snail Repellent. Same formula. Different packaging. Then ratchet up the panic with a bunch of infomercials. You know: news stories. Fox. CNN. Bloomberg. Create an imaginary vacuum and fill it. Worked for the Tea Party. Even if it does eventually come out the whole event was manufactured, the residual damage would be minimal. What’s the worst that could happen? People lose faith in their elected leaders? Oh no. Not that. The government is already lying to us on a regular basis, the least we can do is figure out how to make some money off of it. Got to ask ourselves: What would Microsoft do? The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” See his website, willdurst.com, for more information on upcoming stand-up performances.
6
HUMOR TIMES
August, 2011
Golden Cage Blagojevich forgot the golden rule...
iPod / iPhone Integration We specialize in direct wire connections for the best possible sound quality in factory and aftermarket systems.
2735 Arden Way (At Fulton)
485-3800 5825 Madison Ave. (At Manzanita)
338-2500 and it cost him...
Auto Radio Stereo High End Mobile Electronics Since 1970
Enjoy
Vic’s Ice Cream Vic’s ice Cream is a delicious homemade treat anytime! Enjoy any of dozens of fabulous flavors! And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches! Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years. Family owned & operated.
3199 Riverside Blvd. Sacramento
448-0892 Also Available at:
bigtime.
BURR'S FOUNTAIN
WILLIE’S
4920 Folsom Blvd. Sacramento
5050 Arden Way Fair Oaks
Califor nia Stage presents
How Else Am I Supposed to Know I'm Still Alive? This hilarious show that surveys the lives of two single middle aged Chicanas as they struggle to deal with deal with loneliness, sexuality, and friendship. Written by Evelina Fernandez Directed by Antonio Jarez Starring S.J. Andrea "Yaya" Porras and Nicole Limon
July 29 through August 28, 2011 Tickets: $15 for General Admission, $12 for seniors, students, and SARTA members. Groups of four or more cost $10 each. Fridays & Saturdays at 8:00 pm and Sundays at 2:00 pm.
Three Penny Theater in the R25 Arts Complex • 1725 25th Street, Midtown aa Easy free parking available • Reservations: 916-451-5822 or online at www.CalStage.org
Brighten up somebody’s humor-deficient life – Give the HUMOR TIMES! The Gift that keeps on giving all year long! August, 2011
HUMOR TIMES
7
Citizen Murdoch Longs for Rosebud It was a sleezy story worthy of the tabloids...
and just as sensational.
The British had put up with enough... and Murdoch was forced to take drastic action.
The DOJ was shocked... and Fox viewers were sure to get the straight scoop.
8
HUMOR TIMES
August, 2011
Bombs Away
AMFlood.com
The Lybian conflict brings up old arguments...
888-333-1280
• Lowest Flood Insurance Rates • Free Flood Zone Determination • Flood Insurance Nationwide • Talk with a Flood Specialist • Residential, Commercial & Condo • Call Today for a Free Quote
SOAPBOX! with
Jeanie Keltner although not necessarily like we remember.
“Intelligent Talk” Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento
The Original Home Brew Outlet Finest Fermentation Equipment & Supplies in Sacramento Beer, Wine, Mead, Sake, Cider, Soda & Vinegars
Open 7 Days Classes & Gift Certificates Available (916)
348-6322
5528 Auburn Blvd (Auburn No. of Garfield) Mon-Sat 10-6 • Sun 10-3 www.ehomebrew.com
Maybe we should leave it to someone closer?
Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com
Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care. Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment. Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.
Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.
Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without … Give the HUMOR TIMES today! August, 2011
HUMOR TIMES
9
What They’re Saying Whether you believe [Casey Anthony did it or not], the bottom line is the same: it’s your opinion, you’re welcome to it, and that’s as far as it goes. Rather than yield to passions whipped up by media and mob hysteria, it finally was up to a jury of men and women to presume innocence until otherwise proven beyond reasonable doubt — to hear the testimony, look at the evidence… and then make a decision... When aimed at juries… anger is especially misdirected. Don’t be mad at the jurors — they did their job. Better and perhaps even more productive to level your roiled ire at judges whose objectivity increasingly is compromised by ideology, politics and cash. On the state level, with more than 80 percent of judges in this country elected, and money, much of it corporate donations pouring into their campaigns — $200.4 million in the last decade — jurists, whether they admit it or not, are under constant pressure to favor their benefactors. And on the federal level, take a look, for one, at the United States Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit, covering Texas, Louisiana and Mis sis sippi, de scribed by the pro gres sive website ThinkProgress as “probably the most conservative court in the country.”... “[Judge] Priscilla Owen took thousands of dollars worth of campaign contributions from Enron and then wrote a key opinion reducing Enron’s taxes by $15 million when she sat on the Texas Supreme Court.”... It was also last year, ThinkProgress reports, that the Fifth Circuit “had to dismiss a case brought by Katrina victims against the energy industry because so many judges were required to recuse themselves that there weren’t enough judges left to hear an appeal. “More recently, two Fifth Circuit judges, Jerry Smith and Eugene Davis, ruled in favor of the oil industry in a major drilling moratorium case, despite the fact that they both attended expense-paid ‘junkets for judges’ sponsored by an oil-industry funded organization. “As of last year, a majority of the court’s active judges had oil investments, even though their court is frequently called upon to resolve questions involving the oil industry.” (One subsequently divested herself of up to $15,000 n BP stock, several weeks after the Deepwater Horizon disaster.) In May, none of this gave House Republicans the slightest pause when they included in the “Putting the Gulf Back to Work Act” a provision requiring that civil lawsuits arising from drilling in the Gulf must be heard in, you guessed it, the Fifth Circuit. But at least federal judges are supposed to be bound by a code of conduct. On the United States Supreme Court, adherence to the code is merely voluntary, flouted by Justice Clarence Thomas, whose conflicts of interest, along with his wife’s, have been widely reported; and Justices Scalia and Alioto, who have shown up at political events. “The court cannot maintain its legitimacy as guardian of the rule of law when justices behave like politicians,” the July 1 New York Times editorialized. “Yet, in several instances, justices acted in ways that weakened the court’s reputation for being independent and impartial… Among the court’s 82 rulings this term, 16 were 5-to-4 decisions. Of those, 10 were split along ideological lines, with Justice Anthony Kennedy supplying the fifth conservative vote. These rulings reveal the court’s fundamental in cli nation to the right, with the conservative majority further expanding the ability of the wealthy to prevail in electoral politics and the prerogatives of businesses against the interests of consumers and workers.”... Next session, many say, could be “the term of the century.” With possible major decisions on affirmative action, same-sex marriage, immigration and health care reform, the devastating impact of this right-leaning, ideological court may only get worse. So if you want to get mad about something, get mad about that. – Michael Winship, consortiumnews.com, July 13, 2011
10
The Hightower Lowdown Who Killed the Bluebird of Happiness? Economists and politicians keep their fingers on the pulse of the Dow Jones Average, following every tick of this narrow measure of Wall Street wealth. But the truer indicator of America’s economic health is in the (SET ITAL) Doug (END ITAL) Jones Average – how are workaday folks like Doug and Doreen doing? After all, the experts tell us that we’re now entering the third year of a glorious economic recovery from the Great Recession, so surely the bluebirds of happiness are chirping again in Dougland. But, listen: silence. What killed off the bluebirds is the same greed of moneyed elites that caused the crash. Since the recession ended in July 2009, CEO pay is back in the stratosphere, corporate profits are up by nearly half, corporations are sitting on a record $2 trillion in cash, and the perky Dow Jones Average has soared by a delirious 90 percent, with nearly all of that gain being pocketed by the wealthiest 10 percent of Americans who own more that 80 percent of all stocks and bonds. The sounds you hear up there are the pop-pop-pop of Champagne corks. Yet more that half of Americans say the recession is still raging in their zip codes, and nearly a third of them describe it as a full-blown de pres sion. What’s bug ging these party poopers? Reality. In this “recovery,” those at the top of corporate America are practicing tinkle-down econom ics, re fus ing to hire the Dougs and Doreens, while eliminating hundreds of thousands of other jobs, knocking down wages and
benefits, and unleashing their lobby ists on Washington and state capitals to shred jobless programs, health care, education, worker rights and other basics that sustain America’s middle class. If a bluebird did show up in Doug and Doreen’s yard these days, it would n’t be chirping – it’d be dinner. At least President Obama recognizes that the workaday majority has been knocked down: “Our economy as a whole,” he says (with what passes for keen insight in today’s clueless Wash ing ton), “just is n’t pro duc ing nearly enough jobs.” Indeed, as one economic analyst put it: “June’s employment report doesn’t have a single redeeming feature. It’s awful from start to finish.” The numbers were depressing: • Only 18,000 jobs were added to the economy in June. It takes about 10 times that just to cover the new jobseekers who enter the market each month. • The unemployment rate rose to 9.2 percent. It would’ve been worse, except a quarter-million jobless people were so discouraged by their fruitless search that they quit looking in June. If you give up the search, our Orwellian system no longer counts you as unemployed, even though you are. • For those with jobs, average hourly wages this year are 1.6 percent lower than in 2010 – the tiny pay raises that workers did get were swallowed whole by oil giants, supermarkets, utilities and other price-hikers. So, congressional leaders and the president are trying to cut a deal – not to launch the bold, can-do jobs program that America urgently needs, but to slash spending on Medicare,
JIM HIGHTOWER Medicaid, Social Security and other essential programs. Adding to this Kafkaesque disconnect from reality, Republican leaders are locking arms (and minds) to prevent any cuts to the insane tax handouts now going to billionaire hedge fund speculators, Big Oil and multinational corporations that hide massive profits in offshore tax havens. While they cut the poor, no tax giveaway to the rich is so revolting that GOP lawmakers won’t kiss it right on the lips, as shown by their insistence that even the $3 billion a year doled out to subsidize corporate jets is off limits, as is the subsidy that Uncle Sam gives yacht owners. Seriously, jets and yachts! Sen. Jon Kyl whined that Democrats “want ordinary Americans to believe that they will not be affected by the president’s tax-increase proposals.” If anyone knows what planet Kyl lives on, please beam the news to him that ordinary Amer i cans don’t have cor po rate jets and yachts. We can laugh, but clowns like Kyl are destroying our middle class to make America safe for plutocrats. “The true friend of property, the true conservative, is he who insists that property shall be the servant and not the master … The citizens of the United States must effectively control the mighty commercial forces which they have called into being.” – President Teddy Roosevelt
Reach down deep and GIVE to those in need …
OF A GOOD DOSE OF POLITICAL SATIRE! Use the form on page 3, or SAVE A BUCK online at www.humortimes.com! HUMOR TIMES
August, 2011
Non-Starter Face it, the U.S. economy is not what it used to be...
but some say it’s actually improved.
The usual fixes are proposed... with the usual results.
The prez says things could be worse... and of course, they are.
August, 2011
HUMOR TIMES
11
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
“We Report, You Decry!” President, Congress Think Outside Box on Debt WASHINGTON, DC – After a long standoff, the president and congressional leaders have been forced to think outside the box. In the face of stiff GOP resistance to raising the debt ceiling without trillions of dollars in cuts, Obama is now proposing that instead, a second floor be constructed. “In my re-interp r e t ation of the 14th Amendment” t h e p r e s ident explained, Prez announces new ideas. “I have determined that we could construct another floor under the roof. Then we’ll put a trap-door in the current ceiling. So, we can keep the current ceiling and just move on up to the next one.” Speaker Boehner opposes such a plan. “Instead of building another level of debt on top of the current ceiling,” he said, “what we need to do is dig a big hole, a basement, and lower the starting level. That way, we can continue to borrow and spend more and more, without asking our fiscally conservative representatives to vote to raise anything. We can keep digging all the way to China if we have to.” Vice President Biden, delighted to finally be getting some attention, has also been particularly creative, seeking to play the role of moderator and facilitate a compromise. “You know, in the rough neighborhood where I grew up, sometimes people didn’t even have a roof over their head,” he mused. “But they got by anyhow. By being tough, savvy, like me. Maybe we need a ceiling. Maybe we don’t.” He went on, as he’s prone to do, “We can have it both ways. We can build a retractable ceiling, like the top of one of those sports stadiums. That way, when the deficit hawks are around, we just bring in the ceiling so they don’t panic. And when we need to start another preemptive war to depose one of our former allies, we just slide the roof back, and the sky’s the limit again!” Medics had to be called to assist presidential candidate Ron Paul after he heard the news, who was said to be suffering from severe nausea. Reported by El Capitaz of thespoof.com
Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Disgusted, Satan Returns Murdoch’s Soul Media titan loses closest ally LONDON – In a blow that many insiders saw as the last straw for embattled media titan Rupert Murdoch, Satan today returned Mr. Murdoch’s soul to him and demanded his money back. “Rupert Murdoch has done my bidding for dec a d e s , b ut that relationship is now terminated,” read the terse statement from the P r i n c e of Darkness, w h o clo s e Satan disgusted. associates said has been “disgusted” by Murdoch’s recent activities. Purchased by Satan in Melbourne, Australia in 1951, Mr. Murdoch’s soul is estimated to have a current value of nine dollars (US). Around the me dia world, ob serv ers were stunned by this latest setback for Mr. Murdoch, who in Satan is losing one of his closest and most powerful allies.
But according to Ian Langramstone, who at his post as the University of Nottingham has studied Mr. Murdoch’s relationship with Satan for years, the slap in the face from the Lord of Misrule should not come as a surprise. “Satan never wants to be the last one to desert a sinking ship,” said Mr. Langromstone. “He always Murdoch a disappointment. t a k e s h is lead from British politicians.” In what many saw a tacit admission of the depth of his current problems, Mr. Murdoch today cancelled plans to purchase the remainder of the British government that he does not already own. Elsewhere, pitcher Roger Clemens celebrated his steroid case being declared a mistrial by throwing a car across the courthouse parking lot. Reported by Andy Borowitz
New Law, ‘No Politician Left Behind,’ Would Pay Congressmen Based on Performance Controversial law draws howls of protest from lawmakers WASHINGTON – A government think-tank today proposed a controversial new law, “No Politician Left Behind,” which would pay congressmen solely on the basis of performance. T h e l a w, Lawmakers object to new bill. which was proposed by the University of Minnesota’s Institute of Government, “would make a serious dent in the Federal deficit because few if any congressmen would ever have to be paid,” said the Institute’s director, Davis Logsdon. “Right now, congressmen get paid even when they storm out of budget negotiations in a hissy fit,” Mr. Logsdon said. “Under this new law, the rule would be, no budget, no paycheck.” The idea of being paid per accomplishment
drew howls of protest from lawmakers, many claiming that if the law were enacted it would result in their financial ruin. “If passed, this law would be tantamount to the establishment of ‘Work Panels,’ which would determine whether individual congressmen are accomplishing anything,” said Rep. Eric Cantor. “I, for one, would be in deep, deep trouble.” “I’m fairly sure that this law is unconstitutional,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “Now, I have never actually read the Constitution, but if this law were passed I would probably be forced to read it or live in a cardboard box.” House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said that creating performance standards for lawmakers was “an insult to the institution of Congress.” “We have spent millions of dollars, some of it out of our own pockets, to get to Washington,” he said. “We did not come here to be treated like teachers.” Reported by Andy Borowitz
Universal Courting Obama for New ‘Terminator’ Movie Says Schwarzenegger ‘Washed up,’ has gotten ‘old and fat’ A Humor Times Exclusive Sources within Universal Studios say the company is looking for a new star for its “Termina tor” movie series, and that Pres i dent Barack Obama would be their first choice. “We realize it would be hard with his grueling schedule as president, but we think it can be done, with some CGI and a little creativity,” said Universal Co-Chairman Donna Langley. “Considering his recent exploits in Pakistan, people really see him as The Man now, and we think he would be very believable in this roll.” “Arnold Schwarzenegger had a good run, but have you seen him lately? Being governor has made him soft – he’s old and fat,” said Roger Ebert, film reviewer. “It’s not all that surprising that they’d look for a new star for the series.” “We’re hoping to eventually buy some of the actual footage shot in the Pakistan raid, using the real Osama bin Laden as the protaganist”
14
stunned Pakistani military officials said Langley, adding “We could CGI and shout, “I'll be the president into the scenes, wearback!” ing some cool Navy Seal garb, you There are know, with night vision goggles and oth er l i ne s he a hi-tech rifle and all. It would top could borrow as George Bush’s flight suit by a mile!” well. For examFilm ex perts spec u late as to ple, as they’re bewhether the Obama character would ing debriefed in utter the same famous lines that Wa s h i n g t o n , Schwarzenegger’s did. For example, some one might am o n g s t th e ex plo s ions a nd ask whether the firefight, Obama and Osama could op er a tio n i n a meet face to face, and after a tense Schwarzenegger has seen better days. sovereign nation moment, Obama would say, “Hasta was legal, and the Obama Terminator would la vista, baby,” and shoot Osama dead. Then, during the hectic sequence where the say, “Chill out, dickwad.” “Finally, after a parade in his honor, the new Navy Seals lose a helicopter and scramble to get everyone out, he’d exclaim stoically, “Come Terminator could announce that he’s running for with me if you want to live!” And, of course, as Governor of California,” said Langley, “or even they are leaving victoriously, he’d look back at President of the United States!”
HUMOR TIMES
CNN to Cover New Casey Anthony Murder Trial When Nancy Grace Kills Her Angry anchor ‘Could blow any second’ NEW YORK – CNN, which enjoyed blockbuster ratings for its nonstop coverage of the Casey Anthony case, said today it would cover a future Casey Anthony murder trial “if and when Nancy Grace kills her.” While network e x e c ut i v e s were cautiously op ti misNancy Grace not so graceful. tic about their chances of another murder-trial ratings bonanza, one network source said, “I just saw Nancy in the hall, and she could blow any second.” Ms. Grace appeared more unhinged than usual on her primetime show this evening, in which she pronounced herself the fourth branch of government. “There are four branches – the executive, the legislative, the judicial, and Nancy Grace – the prejudicial,” she said, glaring. Across the country, there were several reported incidents of CNN viewers being severely burned by fire shooting from Nancy Grace’s nostrils. In other le gal news, for mer IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn told reporters, “It’s a good thing I didn’t send that maid pictures of my penis – I could be in real trouble now.” Elsewhere, Twitter was valued at $7 billion, or $1 for every hour of time it has wasted. Reported by Andy Borowitz
70% of Existing Marriages May Already Be Gay New study yields surprising results NEW YORK – As lawmakers in New York clashed over legalizing gay marriage, a new study revealed that well over seventy percent of existing marriages may already be gay. The study, conducted by Dr. Davis Logsdon of the Marital Behavior Institute at the University of Minn e s o t a , confirmed w h a t ma n y social scient i s t s h a ve l ong suspected: that within the Gay marriage fears: Misplaced? first five years of marriages, most men become, for all intents and purposes, gay. “Soon after marrying, most men stop hitting on women and start shopping for furniture,” Dr. Logsdon said. “Scientifically speaking, how gay is that?” Within ten years of marriage, he added, a significant number of married men stop having sex with women altogether. “There’s only one way to describe someone who does not have sex with women, does not hit on women, and spends his free time shopping for furniture,” he said. “That word, to be scientific about it, is gay.” Reported by Andy Borowitz
August, 2011
The Supremes The Supreme Court has handed down some real doosies...
and certain justices are flouting the rules.
They took on a case with huge implications for women... handling it with their usual aplomb.
WalMart says it was fair, though... and overall, the Court is a big hit with the big boys.
August, 2011
HUMOR TIMES
15
Black Hole Obama announced his bold withdrawal plan...
but many in Congress are unimpressed.
Our fighting forces are over taxed... somewhat disillusioned...
and low on morale. Meanwhile, efforts in Pakistan seem equally futile.
16
HUMOR TIMES
August, 2011
Buddy, Can You Spare a Television Network? by Leslie Griffith and JP Sottile, Reader Supported News
I
f the number one cable-news television station in America is run by Rupert Murdoch and it is - then, my friends, it’s time for some serious soul-searching. Before we embark on that tough journey, let’s first ask ourselves why so many people watch FOX television? It’s clearly news with a bias. So, why put something in your head that only reinforces what you already believe? It’s sort of like eating Fruity Pebbles for every meal - a sickly-sweet serving of empty calories. We all know that mixing up the menu leads to a healthy body. The same is true of television news. Except now, the banquet table is nearly bare and agenda-free news is hard to find. Since FOX’s transformation from carnival sideshow to the center ring of the media circus, the other networks have altered their programming to try to compete with the personality-driven, hyperbolic, opinion-based chatter that made Rupert Murdoch so wealthy. Now, there are simply no alternatives to Fruity Pebbles ... except perhaps a bowl of soggy Co-Co Puffs. That’s why “we the people” need a network of our own. First, let’s toss those cereal bowls aside and ask ourselves why we are so hell-bent on reaffirming our own feel ings with affirmation news? The answer is - we are uncertain and afraid. A steady diet of betrayal and fear has us seeking out the comfort of conformity ... and the solace of similar thinking. But, after years of lowering standards, Mr. Murdoch may be about to save the industry he helped destroy. The cracks in Rupert Murdock’s empire have already begun to open the gates and overturn the gatekeepers. A people’s network - let’s
call it We The People News - would challenge channel. Years of declining ratings tell the story. the conventional “wisdom” that has led this Can’t you hear the clicking sounds? Or, perhaps country to the brink of economic and emotional that’s the clock. breakdown. Much as Ted Turner once did with So, network owners, if you also hear those CNN, the people’s network, WTP, would sta- channels changing, perhaps we could borrow tion reporters around the globe. They would ac- your network just long enough to remind us all tually live in the country or state from which of the public service you were supposed to upthey report ... no more hold when you got your flying in for a day or license to take a bite If the number one cable-news two during a crisis, and out of the public’s airtelevision station in America is n o m o re ja b be r ing waves. If we get a run by Rupert Murdoch - and it is chance to catch our about the celebrity trial du jour. breath, maybe we’ll see - then, my friends, it’s time for Instead of corporate exactly how personalsome serious soul-searching. cross-pro mo tions or ity-driven information political posturing, the WTP network wouldn’t can harm and distort the priorities of a country. spend its time puckering up and planting kisses Maybe then fact-starved people would no lonon the pantaloons of those who pay the bills or ger have to spend hours online rooting around get paid off by the power brokers. The people’s the internet for some grains of truth. WTP net work would would revive that have sound reold credo of jourporting ... and be nalism and try to beholden only to cover all sides of an agenda of enan issue. Maybe hanc ing the free the n vie w er s flow of fact-based could finally be in for ma tion. It in formed about would be written w ho i s do i ng without a pre-paid what to whom ... The Times, Sun, Guardian, Financial Times, Independent, and, more of ten s l a n t a nd r e a d w ith o u t s ho w- Daily Mail and Daily Telegraph newspapers displayed featuring than not, what is an apology from News Corp. chairman and Chief Executive Offiman ship. Sure, cer Rupert Murdoch, in London, 07/16/11. (photo: Reuters) b ei ng done t o there would be all them. those messy facts to deal with, but the American Reporters at WTP could be the watchdogs people would be free to make up their own they once were, and we now need. Not the minds. Reporting and deciding wouldn’t be just sleazy purveyors of rumor, opinion and tabloid a gimmicky slogan. It would be a nightly exer- scandal that they’ve become. cise. There is a sad irony in this fine mess Mr. That’s why we need to borrow a network. It’s Murdoch has gotten himself into. He will now okay, they aren’t using them. Not really. be trie d by the ve ry s ort of vi c i ous, This is the iron talking ... and it’s hot. All no-holds-barred style of tabloid press he helped around the country people are changing the create in the first place. The consummate
Is Serious Business!
Re pub l i shed wi t h per m i s si on f r om ReaderSupportedNews.org. Permission to republish is freely granted with credit and a link back to Reader Supported News.
Yes, we’ve finally joined the 21st Century with a new, interactive website, a big upgrade from our former static html site! Now you can leave comments, participate in our forum, even submit videos and your own cartoon creations! Check out our vastly improved funny videos gallery, where we filter through all the crap out there to bring you the very best! Of course, we still bring you the finest cartoons, humor columns, fake news, etc. But now you can give us feedback through voting, comments and so on. Keep checking back for upcoming new features! Link to us and twitter the site to share with friends!
Help Save America’s Soul by Giving Subscriptions to the ®
Face it, there’s a lot to fret about these days. Now that you’ve found some comic relief... do the right thing: turn your friends and relatives on to the Humor Times!
OMNETWORKS
Give the Gift of Laughter Today! Just use the handy coupon on page 3, or write the recipients’ names and addresses clearly on a piece of paper, include a check or money order for $19.95 per subscription* (or just $9.95 for the downloadable PDF edition) payable to the Humor Times and mail to:
Humor Times P. O. Box 162429 Sacramento, CA 95816
August, 2011
Leslie Griffith has been a television anchor, foreign correspondent and an investigative reporter in newspaper, radio and television for over 25 years. Among her many achievements are two Ed ward R Murrow Awards, nine Emmies, 37 Emmy Nominations, a National Emmy nomination for writing, and more than a dozen other awards for journalism. She is currently work ing on a doc u men tary, giv ing speeches on “Reforming the Media,” and writing for many on-line publications, as well as writing a book called “Shut Up and Read.” She hopes the book, her speeches, and her articles on the media will help remind the nation that journalism was once about public service ... not prof i t . To con t act Lesl i e, go t o lesliegriffithproductions.com. JP Sottile is a newsroom veteran. His credits include a stint on the Newshour news desk, C-SPAN, Executive Producer for ABC affiliate WJLA in Washington, and a two-time Washington Regional Emmy Award Winner. In addition, JP is a documentary filmmaker.
Check out our brand-spanking-new Humor Times website!
POLITICAL HUMOR
I don’t worry, I’ve always got the Humor Times to help me through!
snake-oil salesman ... now judged by the angry masses who bought that oily, insincere brand of Fruity Peb bles pa tri o tism and feck less fear-mongering, and now in dicted by the “news” game he helped to rig. Murdoch’s empire may fall. But the real question is - what will rise from those ashes if and when it does? That is when we, the people, have to make our move and demand something more than just another pretender to the throne. That’s one market we all need to share.
*$1.00 EXTRA OFF all subscriptions when you order online at www.humortimes.com!
HUMOR TIMES
A Complete Internet Solution WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3
Technical Support WWW.OMSOFT.COM • 530-758-0119 17
The Verdict For a while, it was all they talked about...
but the verdict was a big surprise...
especially to those who had already convicted her.
It was a stunning result...
but surely someone is guilty.
18
And it’s all over now, baby blue.
HUMOR TIMES
August, 2011
Argus Sez Break ing Bad star ring Bryan Cranston premeired on AMC July 17th. He plays a chemistry teacher with cancer who cooks crystal meth so he can leave his family millions. It’s so popular the Food Network is thinking of having a competition show starring the country’s best meth cooks. Newsweek placed a photo of Sarah Palin on the cover which showed her arching her back in a low-cut sweatshirt. The magazine was clearly trying to sabotage the former governor. They used Photoshop to enhance her breasts and put Nixon’s face on her body. President Obama trailed former president George W. Bush in popularity in a poll taken of Arabs living in the Middle East. It makes sense. The Arabs preferred President Bush because he would always give them a little warning before the bombing began by going to Congress first. The Joffrey Ballet was locked out in Chicago and faced a canceled season because of stalled labor talks. It was bad news for the president’s promise of economic progress. He was pretty much down to running for re-election on the low unemployment rate for gay people. The L.A. Times reported that iPhone apps are on sale that produce perfect counterfeit photo IDs and driver’s licenses. It’s alarming. All a terrorist needs is a Mexican ID and not only can he cross freely into Arizona, he gets free health care if he’s wounded in the explosion. Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke signaled an easing of monetary policy, prompting gold prices to rise to sixteen hundred an ounce. It’s created a new gold rush. Gang members in California are now shooting each other over control of river bends instead of street corners. The San Diego Freeway in Los Angeles was closed for a ten mile stretch at Sepulveda Pass all weekend for bridge work mid-July. It’s a
August, 2011
HUMOR TIMES
ARGUS HAMILTON nightmare for forty million people. Traffic was so snarled on the freeways by six o’clock this morning that Rodney King was arrested for drunken idling. GOP candidate Michele Bachmann surged into the lead in Iowa over Mitt Romney in a poll of likely caucus voters. She promised a crowd she’ll get rid of everything that’s mean-spirited or vulgar in America. It’s the first time comedians have ever been threatened with ethnic cleansing. Iowa conservative group Family Leader asked all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Really? If there’s one thing we learned from Jimmy Carter and Barack Obama it’s that presidential fidelity does not help the economy. New York pea farmers ripped President Obama for saying it’s time for Americans to eat their peas. He’s also told us sneeze into our elbows and lay off snack foods and cola. He wants our teeth to be in great shape so when the Chinese come to buy us he can get a good price. President Obama said Social Security checks may not go out in August due to the budget impasse. His plan is to cut off seniors, blame the Republicans and run for re-election. It’s the best idea since Tiger Woods added unlimited texting and data to his cell phone account. Rupert Murdoch shut down London’s News of the World tabloid when reporters were caught hacking the voicemail of British subjects to get news and quotes. It’s not a problem here. The paper tried hacking the voicemail of Americans and all they ever heard were sales pitches and col lec tion calls, same thing the Na tional Securiy Agency has to sit through every day.
19
Making an Impression Republicans are busy preparing for 2012...
but they’ve taken a major detour.
Potential candidates are still mulling over their options...
and certain issues are dogging the ones who’ve already declared.
20
HUMOR TIMES
August, 2011
Miscellaneous Mischief
August, 2011
HUMOR TIMES
21
Lightning Kills Dad, Son 48 Years Later New Jersey - A Hammonton, New Jersey man is dead after lightning struck so close to him that it sent a surge of electricity through his body. Before Stephen Rooney, 54, walked away from his wife, family and friends at a barbecue he was struck. He’d just said, after seeing lightning in the sky, “Don’t worry guys, lightning never strikes twice.” That line is much more than a cliché in the Rooney family. Stephen’s father also died after being struck by lightning 48 years ago while he was fishing in Fortescue, N.J. Stephen was just five years old. According to his family, Rooney was with his cousin Scott Digeralamo last Sunday when a bolt of lightning hit the ground where they were standing. The men had stepped away from the barbecue – right by a tree – to smoke a cigar when they were hit , according to police . Digeralamo survived the strike. Rooney died five days later. His daughters are setting up a fund for him at St. Joseph’s High School, which they all attended.. They are hoping to have an athletic field named after Rooney.
Dead man forms the ‘I’ in Ohio cheer photo NEWARK, Ohio, July 14 (UPI) – An Ohio woman said a picture taken with her deceased father’s open casket forming the “I” in an “O-H-I-O” cheer is a tribute to his love for the Buckeyes. Juli Miracle, who arranged for the picture to be taken after the July 1 death of her father, Roy Miracle, said the picture was a tribute to her father’s fun-loving ways and his love for Ohio State University, The Columbus (Ohio) Dispatch reported Thursday. “I didn’t do it for anybody but Dad and I,” Juli Miracle said of the picture, which quickly spread across the Internet. “To me, it was the best honor and tribute to do for him and OSU. The Rev. Mark Chow, who presided over the funeral at First United Methodist Church in Newark, said the photo was a fitting tribute to Roy Miracle. “He was a fun-loving man who loved to tease,” Chow said.
Woman keeps captured burglar as sex slave for 3 days...fed only Viagra A Russian man who tried to rob a hair salon ended up as the victim when the female shop owner overpowered him, tied him up naked and then used him as a sex slave for three days. Viktor Jasinski, 32, admitted to police that he had gone to the salon in Meshchovsk, Russia, with the intention of robbing it. But the tables were turned dramatically when he found himself overcome by owner Olga Zajac, 28, who happened to be a black belt in karate. She allegedly floored the would-be robber with a single kick. Then, in a scene reminiscent of Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction, police say Zajac dragged the semi-conscious Jasinski to a back room of the salon and tied him up with a hair dryer cable. She allegedly stripped him naked and, for the next three days, used him as a sex slave to ‘teach him a lesson’ - force feeding him Viagra to keep the lesson going. The would-be robber was eventually released, with Zajak saying he had learned his lesson. Jasinski went straight to the police and told them of his back-room ordeal, saying that he had been held hostage, handcuffed naked to a radiator, and fed nothing but Viagra. Both have now been arrested. When police arrived to question Zahjac, she said: ‘What a bastard. Yes, we had sex a couple of times. But I bought him new jeans, gave him food and even gave him 1,000 roubles when he left."
Man steals security cameras as they were recording him BRADFORD, England, July 15 (UPI) – British police said a man who spent 4 hours stealing security cameras from a building apparently did not realize the cameras were filming his crime. Police in Bradford, England, said the man broke into the former Lister Arms pub on Manchester Road at about 4 a.m. Sunday and spent 4 hours unscrewing four CCTV cameras from the walls, the Bradford Telegraph and Argus reported Thursday. Investigators said the man apparently didn’t realize the cameras were filming as he was removing them from the wall. Police said they arrested a 22-year-old man Wednesday in the thefts.
Police Close Girls’ Lemonade Stand MIDWAY, GA – Police in Georgia have shut down a lemonade stand run by three girls trying to save up for a trip to a water park, saying they didn’t have a business license or the required permits. Midway Police Chief Kelly Morningstar says police also didn’t know how the lemonade was made, who made it or what was in it. The girls had been operating for one day when Morningstar and another officer cruised by. The girls needed a business license, peddler’s permit and food permit to operate, even on residential property. The permits cost $50 a day or $180 per year. One girl, 14-year-old Casity Dixon, says the three had to listen to police and shut down. The girls are now doing chores and yard work to make money.
Former Defense Secretary Rumsfeld stopped by TSA at airport Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was on the other side of the homeland security policies his administration helped to create today when he was held up and patted down at the airport after setting off the metal detectors on his way to board a flight. “It takes those of us with two titanium hips and a titanium shoulder a bit longer to get through TSA,” Rumsfeld posted on his Twitter feed earlier this afternoon. He even linked to TMZ, which broke the story and posted the pictures of Rummy getting the full treatment by TSA officials at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. Rumsfeld took it all in good stride and was recognized by several uniformed soldiers passing through the terminal, TMZ reported. Rumsfeld was in Chicago to attend a panel and luncheon hosted by the Heritage Foundation and was on the way to Grand Rapids, MI to attend the funeral of Betty Ford, whom he called “one of America’s most beloved first ladies.”
22
HUMOR TIMES
August, 2011
August, 2011
HUMOR TIMES
23
Don’t Miss Out on All the Fun!
SUBSCRIBE! Hard copy delivered to your mailbox • Online digital version also available