Humor Times, Dec 2011

“All the cops are just workers for the one percent, and they don't even realize they're being exploited.” -- Retired Philadelphia Police Captain Ray Lewis (voluntarily arrested at NYC “Occupy” protest, November 2011)

Issue #240

December 2011

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December, 2011

Editor’s Rant A lot of people – in the press and otherwise – are fretting that the “Occupy” movement doesn’t have a clear message. I say, relax and enjoy the moment. (But don’t lay back too much – get involved!)

History is being made. Young people are finding their voice. (Folks of all ages are involved, of course, but the bulk of the energy is being supplied by the young, as it always has been throughout history.) I say, God bless ’em.

Four years ago, Barack Obama was the rallying point for much of the nation’s youth. Then they found out that Washington politics moves much slower than they’d hoped, and got discouraged. And that Obama was not nearly as progressive as they thought. Many of us fretted that we had lost them, that the historic moment was wasted.

We needn’t have worried. Now their fight is their own. No candidate for office, no national spokesman of any kind for that matter, is leading them.

Like most of the country, they are fed up. But if not for the youth, it is likely this movement would not have happened – at least not with the force we are now witnessing.

Folks of my generation, the “boomers,” seem to be of three camps on this new movement: Many conservatives, of course, see them as a bunch of “dirty hippies.” Remember that disparaging old term? This point of view, naturally, is reinforced and amplified daily by the conservative press.

Others sympathize on many levels, yet worry that the energy is scattered, that a few concrete demands must be put forth, or the effort will be wasted.

Still others, like myself, say “go for it!”

Sure, it’s messy. Reading the creative handmade signs, the list of grievances is long and varied, from unfairly burdensome student loan debt to environmental degradation, Wall Street corruption to lack of affordable health care. But they are all valid concerns, and they all have a common root. And that root is the lack of real representation for the common citizen in our government. Instead of representing us, our elected officials do the bidding of the moneyed interests who fund their campaigns.

Fear not, for the movement is addressing this issue as well. I believe it must and eventually will coalesce around this one central issue.

Next stop: Occupy Congress! In fact, this is being planned, see washingtonpost.com/blogs/.

Many of us have long been lamenting the seeming apathy of the American citizen in this day and age. We boomers love to point to the ’60’s and our activism back then, and say, “What’s wrong with the youth of today? Their heads are so buried in their electronic devices that they can’t see what’s going on around them!”

Well, instead of over-analyzing and fretting the details, we should now be celebrating the fact that finally – FINALLY! – people are getting out onto the streets to reject the corporatization of our American experiment.

Once again, it’s time to rise up and demand “Power to the People!” Right on.

– James Israel, Publisher/editor

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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 20, Issue 240, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3127 Broadway, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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December, 2011

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GOP Choice: Mormon or Moron The Republican debates continued...

as candidates trumpeted their qualifications...

and each was certain they were the chosen one.

Perry had a few challenging moments...

which turned off some viewers... but he knows his limitations. (continued)

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HUMOR TIMES

December, 2011

Later, Cain became the preferred candidate...

enjoying some serious backing...

but he too began to fade...

leaving the guy who calls himself a historian.

Still, Republican voters have not made up their minds... as to who to gamble their hopes on.

December, 2011

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How Much Do We Really Know?

I Don’t Know Nothing Easier than duck fat in muffin tins to figure out why Americans are so darn freaked out and polarized these days. It’s because we’re afraid. Afraid we’ve lost our way. Afraid of not being #1.

Afraid of what may be in store. Of all that we don’t know. Because, face it, there’s so much we don’t know. We don’t even know... how much we don’t know.

Seriously. When it comes down to it, I am prepared to not know 80% of what’s going on. But what if what I don’t know is more than I know it to be. Hunh? What then? What if what I don’t know is more like 90%? Or 99%? I’m continually amazed I keep from impaling myself on forks at mealtimes considering how little I know.

Not just the future. Screw the future. There’s tons of basic stuff we don’t know. Like, when you’re looking for your glasses and they’re on the top of your head, how come the extra weight doesn’t tip you off? Where are all the baby pigeons? What’s that groove between your nose and your mouth for? Mucous gutter?

We sure as heck do not have clue one about any of the big stuff.

How old is the universe? You know, where we live. Smartest brains in the history of our civilization guess the universe started around 13 billion years ago, plus or minus 7 billion years. Nice margin of error there. Hell, they’d have given me that, I could have passed algebra. “2X plus 3Y equals 6xy plus or minus 7 billion.” “Got to give it to him, he’s in the ballpark.”

And exactly how did all those dinosaurs die? Last major life

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form on the planet. Wiped out, en masse, instantaneously. How come? That kind of knowledge could come in handy down the line. Guess what? Nobody knows. Best hypotheses: weather got weird. So, what’s happening now? Weather’s getting weird.

Mostly from the fumes from our cars which are run on fossil fuels. Ain’t life odd?

We still don’t know why aspirin works.

We don’t know why they still make Strawberry Quick. Come on. Nobody buys it twice.

We don’t know why macramé has competing trade journals.

We don’t know why CSI: Miami is still on the air.

We don’t know why John Boehner is so orange.

We don’t know why the birth of the Son of God is represented by a fat bearded guy in a red suit.

We don’t know why people think any piece of clothing they can squeeze into, fits.

We don’t know why Celebrity Russian Roulette hasn’t been turned into a reality show. (With the first season devoted to slowly winnowing the Kardashians.)

We don’t know why headcheese is so dreadful when its individual components are so luscious.

We don’t know why Keith Richards is still alive.

We don’t know nothing.

Hell, I don’t know so much, I honestly can’t figure out why, if the earth is round, how come the penguins don’t fall off the bottom. Sure, sure, you can talk about gravity till you’re blue in the

HUMOR TIMES

WILL DURST

face, but somebody somewhere is always upside down. How does that work? Even in North America, shouldn’t we be at a severe slant? Don’t ask. Don’t tell. Don’t worry. I don’t know nothing.

And if we’re going to be perfectly honest here, neither do you.

The Delta of Denial Slamming DC. It may be the singular most popular political game around today. Everybody does it. Even incumbents go out of their way to blame Washington for everything that’s wrong with the country. A lot like a baseball manager complaining that his team suffers from a crippling lack of quality coaching.

You’ve heard all the buzz phrases: “Washington is not the answer, it is the problem.” “The devil made both Washington and hell, but chooses to live in hell.” “Washington’s a cesspool.” Sure, that’s what they say, but once elected, they treat it like a hot tub.

Hard to tell what disturbs the critics most: the culture, the people or the traffic on the Beltway. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. The residents of our nation’s capital are absolutely normal.

Okay, absolutely semi-normal. Or as normal as can be, considering the 202 area code is hive mind to some of the largest egos in the world. At least now we know what happens when the inmates take over the asylum. And the most venally ambitious of the criminally insane manage to scramble to the top.

Nobody could ever mistake DC for the real world. It’s an encapsulated bubble. A yuppie terrarium. The Florence of Malfeasance. Meta Wonk Central. A work free drug zone. The largest Superfund site in America. Where double sided red tape originated and they throw it around like its going out of style.

Don’t forget though, Washington is unique. The capitals of other nations are also media and entertainment centers. The only reason to venture into DC is business. It’s a company town solely designed to support the federal government. A whale of a city, with schools of subsidiary occupation pilot fish swimming and feeding alongside. And the lobbyists and campaign managers, barnacles sticking to the side, regularly messing with the air intake valves.

It is also happens to be the single worst place on the planet to have a conversation, because all anyone wants to talk about is themselves. And don’t ask for directions. Nobody has a clue about anything, yet fervently believe they possess all the answers.

And some folks will go miles out of their way to confuse you, just to keep their muscles toned.

JFK said DC combined all the hospitality of the north with the efficiency of the south. Not to mention the scruples of a turkey vulture overlooking a yard full of wounded bunnies. It’s a town where you always have to worry that your best friend is wearing a wire. Where “cynical” has been raised to an art form. Imagine the Kardashians as elderly white guys with double the sense of entitlement.

Washington is the Delta of Denial. Routinely demonstrated by politicians who never understand why the rest of the country holds them in such low esteem. Even though they spend millions of dollars on ads every election cycle to convince us what despicable crooks their opponents are, and it goes both ways. They remain blithely oblivious that the only time we trust them is when they tell us the other guy is lying.

And like The Hotel California, once you check in, you can never leave. Because after spending a couple of quickly aging years in DC, you’re ruined, and can never go back to living with normal people. But hey, a person has to sleep somewhere, right?

Even lobbyists. Besides, most of them can’t go home again because the rocks they used to live under are gone. Hey, the Smithsonian is nice.

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December, 2011

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Keeping the Peace by Smashing Heads The “Occupy� movement picked up steam through October... drawing attention to a growing disparity...

but some said it had dragged on too long.

They were told their free speech rights had expired...

and soon the powers that be... sent in the cops to enforce the law. (continued)

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December, 2011

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What They’re Saying The For all of those who say the protesters have it wrong, and don’t really have a cause worth causing public unrest over, consider this story, sent to me by a friend on the Hill.

Last week, a federal judge in Mississippi sentenced a mother of two named Anita McLemore to three years in federal prison for lying on a government application in order to obtain food stamps...

Since McLemore had four drug convictions in her past, she was ineligible to receive food stamps, so she lied about her past in order to feed her two children.

The total “cost” of her fraud was $4,367.

She has paid the money back. But paying the money back was not enough for federal Judge Henry Wingate.

Wingate had the option of sentencing McLemore according to federal guidelines, which would have left her with a term of two months to eight months, followed by probation. Not good enough! Wingate was so outraged by McLemore’s fraud that he decided to serve her up the deluxe vacation, using another federal statute that permitted him to give her up to five years.

He ultimately gave her three years, saying, “The defendant’s criminal record is simply abom i na ble …. She has been the beneficiary of government generosity in state court.”

Compare this court decision to the fraud settlements on Wall Street. Like McLemore, fraud defendants like Citigroup, Goldman Sachs, and Deutsche Bank have “been the ben e fi ciary of gov ern ment gen er os ity.”

Goldman got $12.9 billion just through the AIG bailout. Citigroup got $45 billion, plus hundreds of billions in government guarantees.

All of these companies have been repeatedly dragged into court for fraud, and not one individual defendant has ever been forced to give back anything like a significant portion of his ill-gotten gains. The closest we’ve come is in a fraud case involving Citi, in which a pair of ex ec u tives, Gary Crittenden and Arthur Tildesley, were fined the to ken amounts of $100,000 and $80,000, respectively, for lying to shareholders about the extent of Citi’s debt.

Neither man was forced to admit to intentional fraud. Both got to keep their jobs.

Anita McLemore, meanwhile, lied to feed her children, gave back every penny of her “fraud” when she got caught, and is now going to do three years in prison. Explain that, Eric Holder!...

This is the reason why all of these settlements allowing banks to walk away without “admissions of wrongdoing” are particularly insidious. A normal person, once he gets a felony conviction, immediately begins to lose his rights as a citizen.

But white-collar criminals of the type we’ve seen in recent years on Wall Street – both the individuals and the corporate “citizens” – do not suffer these ramifications.

They commit crimes without real consequence, allowing them to retain access to the full smorgasbord of subsidies and financial welfare programs that, let’s face it, are the source of most of their profits.

– Matt Taibbi, RollingStone.com, November 17, 2011

The Hightower Lowdown “We the People,” Not “We the Corporations” A year from now, Americans will be caught in an unprecedented blizzard of presidential campaign ads. We’ll be blinded by the whiteout and buried in the storm’s negativity.

For the first time ever, most of this ad blizzard will not come from the candidates, but from ads secretly funded by huge corporations.

This is because a five-man cabal on the Supreme Court issued an edict last year that perverts nature itself. In a case titled Citizens United, the five decreed that – shazam! – lifeless corporate entities are henceforth “persons” with more electioneering rights than ... well, us real-life persons.

In a black-robed coup against our democracy, the Supremes ruled that a corporation’s money is “speech” and that CEOs may dump unlimited sums of it into their own ad campaigns to elect or defeat any candidates they choose.

Of course, Wal-Mart, Goldman Sachs, ExxonMobil and the rest are nothing but legalistic constructs – really just pieces of paper issued by state governments. It’s a grotesque, Kafkaesque lie to say they are equal to – much less superior to – human beings. As a friend of mine puts it, “A corporation is not a person until Texas executes one!”

The good news is that real citizens of our country are united against Citizens United. In a January Hart Research poll, 87 percent of Democrats, 82 percent of independents and even 68 percent of Republicans favor passing a constitutional amendment to overrule the Court’s bi-

zarre decision and make clear that only people are people.

Sadly (thought not surprisingly), our national elected officials – including Republicans, Democrats and tea partiers – are too hooked on corporate money to stand up for us ... for America’s democracy. So, do we just have to surrender to the corporados? Of course not – we’re Americans!

Rebel! A new “We the People Campaign” is rallying grass-roots folks to sign a “Declaration of Independence From Corporate Power.” To sign the declaration and join the action, go to www.WeThePeopleCampaign.org.

In response to the Supreme Court’s freakish decision to bestow political “personhood” on corporations, I got an email from a guy named Larry, screaming that “big money has plucked our eagle!”

Yes, it has – and the Powers that Be want us to believe there’s nothing we can really do about it. Rather than actually trying to undo this theft of our people’s democratic authority, they tell us to be satisfied with a few tangential regulations, like maybe requiring corporations to disclose how much they’re spending on campaigns. Now there’s a weak stand for democracy: “Give us campaign finance reporting regulations, or give us death!”

Come on, we’re bigger than that. Here are just a few actions for real change that ordinary Americans can take, teaming up with others right where you live: AMEND. Two major coalitions are organizing coast to coast to overturn the courts corporate money edict. One is FreeSpeechForPeople

JIM HIGHTOWER .org, and the other is MoveToAmend.org – and both have action kits for raising the issue locally, petitions to be circulated, video and other good graphics to educate people in your community, and a wealth of other organizing ideas.

LOCALIZE. Pass your own local and state laws to stop the wholesale corporate purchase of our government. These include outlawing any corporate claim of personhood in your area, providing the alternative of public financing for your local and state elections, and banning campaign donations by corporations that try to get government contracts and subsidies. For information and help, check out PublicCampaign .org and ReclaimDemocracy.org.

CONFRONT. Yes, get in the face of power.

Go see candidates to ask where they stand on corporate personhood, and demand that top executives of big corporations located in your area publicly agree not to send corporate cash on your elections. You can get more info at www.democracyisforpeople.org.

Remember, the Constitution plainly says “We the People,” not “We the Corporations.”

“It is well enough that the people of the nation do not understand our banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would be a revolution before tomorrow morning.” – Henry Ford

“In all ages of the world...some have labored, and others have without labor enjoyed a large proportion of the fruits. This is wrong, and should not continue.”

– Abraham Lincoln “We can have democracy in this country, or we can have great wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, but we can’t have both.”

– Justice Louis Brandeis

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December, 2011

Mr. Prez

Got Motto?

Who says it’s a “do-nothing” Congress?

Obama wished Iraq good luck...

They’ve got a job to do...

and turned his attention to domestic issues...

and they’ve got their priorities. and his re-election campaign.

December, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

In Money-Making Scheme, Greece to Wed Kim Kardashian for 72 Days EU Nations Serve as Bridesmaids ATHENS – The Greek debt crisis that has roiled world markets for weeks was resolved today when Greece agreed to marry TV reality star Kim Kardashian for 72 days.

The marriage, believed to be the first ever between a sovereign nation and a television per son al ity, is ex pected t o n e t b i llions of dollars for Greece’s debt-strappe d economy.

The wedding b eKim Kardashian weds Greece. tween Ms. Kardashian and Greece will generate cash via a People magazine pictorial, an E! Entertainment reality series, and a bond offering backed by the International Monetary Fund.

Ms. Kardashian, attired in a Vera Wang wedding gown with a full tulle skirt, Basque waist and Chantilly lace appliqué, wed Greece in a formal ceremony that included all the EU nations as bridesmaids.

But even as the nuptials concluded, there were rumors that there was already “trou ble in par a dise,” a friend of Ms. Kardashian said.

“Kim was annoyed that Greece didn’t pay for the rehearsal dinner and left her with the bill,” she said. “Europe’s used to that kind of thing, but Kim was pissed.”

The friend said that she had her “fingers crossed” that the marriage between Ms. Kardashian and Greece would last 72 days.

“I don’t want to spread rumors about Kim,” she said, “but I’ve heard she’s seeing Italy.”

R e p o r t e d b y A n d y B o r o w i t z, borowitzreport.com

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Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Startled Deer Becomes New Republican Frontrunner China Announces Inability to Speak Considered a Plus CONCORD, NH – The race for the Republican presidential nomination took an unexpected turn today as a new poll showed that a startled deer was the new GOP frontrunner.

Bucky, the red deer who is the first choice of likely Republican voters is believed to be the first woodland creature ever to lead a major party’s presidential field.

“Voters like what they see in Bucky,” said veteran political strategist Ed Rollins, who has signed on to helm the red deer’s primary campaign. “The fact that he is unable to speak is a major asset.”

In his first appearance in Concord, New Hampshire, however, the antlered candidate garnered mixed reviews for what some observers said was an unsteady performance.

Appearing frightened by the TV lights, Bucky kicked over the podium and pranced down the hall before being subdued by a tranquilizer dart.

“Clearly he’s a little rough around the edges,” said Mr. Rollins. “But he still did better than Herman Cain.”

It was another rough day for Mr. Cain, who offered this response to a rep o r t e r ’ s ques tion: “For the last time, I did not touch her down there. Oh wait, did you say ‘Libya?’”

G o v. P e r r y Americans relate to startled deer. also stum bled badly in a campaign appearance in Iowa, telling supporters, “If I am elected, I will find out where Iran’s nuclear weapons are. Also, where Iran is.”

Mean while, for mer House Speaker Newt Gingrich predicted that his recent rise in the polls is not a fluke: “The American people want an adult, and no one has a stronger record of adultery than I do.”

Re por te d by Andy B orowi t z , borowitzreport.com

Koch Brothers Announce Revamp of Congress, Government Incompetent Tea Party hires ‘nearly ruined the brand,’ they say The Koch brothers, multi-billionaires known The “Citizens United decision was a brave defor their political activism, announced that they parture from precedent,” he said, “and we thank will hire a whole new slate of representatives next them for restoring free speech – in the form of year “all the way from state legislatures up to the very expensive corporate speech.” president.”

“In this world, there are no Charles Koch, opening the free rides, it’s pay to play. So press conference in Washington why should our elections be any this afternoon, said the new hires different?” he added. will be “well-vetted” and “must The new can di dates must pledge to never raise taxes, to meet ex tremely stringent reprivatize Social Security and, of quirements, the Kochs told recourse, to always follow orders.” porters. “We must get full value Koch bros: “Now hiring.”

“We don’t put up with disobefor our hard-earned money.” dient employees, which is why we’re cleaning As an example, they pointed to Herman Cain, house now,” Mr. Koch explained.

Republican candidate for president. “Now there is Tea Party Republicans were “generally undis- a man who knows how to run an operation. Keep ciplined” he said, “and nearly ruined the brand.” the employees happy, pay lots of attention to the “We will be looking for more experienced liars – little ladies, and always obey your superiors.” uh, candidates – ones that will make it at least look An information brochure provided to the press like they know what they’re doing.” said, “We are improving our product line, and we “Of course, replacing the insolent Democrats pledge to America that we will install the very needs no explanation,” he added. best government money can buy.”

Charles’ brother, David, spoke later, heaping In related news, Herman Cain said, “I am the praise on the Supreme Court for their “courageous Koch brothers’ brother from another mother. And and inspired” decision early last year, when they another father. But we’re like peas in a pod. A seggave corporations the right to spend unlimited regated pod, but a pod nonetheless. They’re like sums on candidates ads in election campaigns. my bossy older brothers. But it’s cool.”

Rick Perry Forgets Head: ‘Knew There Was Something I Left Behind’ Campaign staff downplays omission, saying it’s “Not his strong suit anyway” Rick Perry showed up at the last debate ready to prove his presidential mettle. He’d studied all night, staffers say, and felt prepared.

“I got to the debate, you know, and I had everything – notes, newly pressed suit, but I knew there was something else – just couldn’t quite put my finger on it,” said Perry after the debate, where a staffer had just handed him his head after retrieving it from the hotel. “But, hey, two out of three ain’t bad.”

“It’s no big deal,” said Rob Johnson, Perry’s campaign manager, “it was just a human moment. Memory is overrated – it’s not that important a thing as far as the skill set needed to be president. Looking good is number one, and our boy has that in spades!”

“Heck, we’ve all been there,” Johnson went on, “forgetting the name of a friend’s kid, how to spell a foreign leader’s name, or a main plank of

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your platform on national TV in a run for the highest office in the land – what’s the difference?”

“An agency here, an agency there, who cares?” said Perry, “What’s important is we get rid of a few of ’em, I’ll sort it out when I get there.” The candidate was referring to a major gaffe he made in the debate, all due to the unfortunate lack of a brain.

“Just don’t axe the presidency itself, until I’ve had my turn,” he added, flashing that broad smile his supporters have grown to love. “I’m sure I’ll have no problem destroying it all by myself.”

Actually, his most fervent supporters say they liked his “oops” moment. Polls show their support for him has grown since the debate.

“It’s like when your kid flubs his part in a school play, you just want to go up and hug him

and make him f e e l b e t t e r, ” said Ira Fernham, self-pro fessed “ P e r r y m an i a c . ” “ Yo u just know he’ll do better once Perry: “If it don’t fit, force it!”

Photo: theseoduke, flickr.com. in of fice. I’d love to buy him a beer and cheer him up. He’s even more lovable than George W in that way!”

Asked if the high-profile mistake will deter his presidential ambitions, Perry said, “Heck, no, man! I’ve got a lot of fight left in me. I’m from Texas you know. Three things we Texans believe in — God, country, and … oh, what’s that last one? Clearing brush? No, uh, EPA? No, hmm … let’s see … oh, well – oops!”

HUMOR TIMES

‘Occupy America’ Mysterious Movement’s Goals Unclear BEIJING – The Chinese government raised eyebrows around the world today by announcing a mysterious national movement called “Occupy America.”

In a brief statement, the Chinese government said that while Occupy America was “not exactly a protest movement,” its effects would be felt in “every city, town and Wal-Mart in America.”

H i n ti ng t hat the movement had w i d espread support in C h i n a , Chinese Occupy America crowds ready. the statement said that Occupy America “would have the full participation of approximately 1.3 billion Chinese.”

At the State Department, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that the goals of Occupy America “remain unclear,” adding, “The official policy of the U.S. government towards things we don’t fully understand is to do nothing.”

Later, after a phone call with Chinese officials, Secretary Clinton said she came away feeling reassured: “They told me that Occupy America actually started thirty years ago.”

Elsewhere, to mark the Statue of Liberty’s 125th birthday, police across the country beat up protesters.

Re port ed by Andy Borowi t z , borowitzreport.com

In Compromise, Republicans Allow Obama to Create One Part-Time Job Step in Right Direction, President Says WASHINGTON – In what the White House hailed as “an example of what can be accomplished when we put aside partisan differences,” congressional Republicans today responded to President Obama’s $447 billion American Jobs Act by allowing the President to create one part-time job.

While details of what the job would entail remain to be de terPresident proud of compromise. mined, it was expected to be in the lawn work or handing-out-flyers industry.

At the White House, the President acknowledged that creating one part-time job fell somewhat short of the millions of full-time jobs envisioned in his proposed legislation, but added, “This is clearly a step in the right direction.”

In order to secure funding for the part-time job, Mr. Obama had to cave to a series of Republican demands, including tax breaks for second homes and third wives.

But even as the President and congressional Republicans announced their agreement on the part-time job plan, the proposal came under attack from GOP presidential front-runner Rick Perry, who blasted the plan for creating yet another worker who would someday be eligible for Social Security.

“If we don’t cut Social Security now, we won’t have enough money to execute our children’s children,” Gov. Perry said.

Re port ed by Andy Borowi t z , borowitzreport.com

December, 2011

End of an Error

Muddle East

It’s the end of an era...

Gadhafi finally fell...

and some are sad to see it end...

and Egypt struggles to right itself...

while the Iran issue rears its ugly head again. while others rue missed business opportunities.

December, 2011

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Left Out in the Cold Here it is late in 2011...

and still the economy is not improving.

School is back in session... but students are losing hope.

Some say it’s not so bad... and that people need to take responsibility. (continued)

16

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December, 2011

But Congress is doing next to nothing...

and doesn’t even seem to see a problem.

So maybe one solution is to bypass the politicians.

Meanwhile, the Super Committee is attacking the debt issue...

but is having trouble getting off the ground... and it looks like we’re headed for a fall.

December, 2011

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7 Billion’s a Crowd

Holly Days

It was a big moment...

A certain holiday will soon be upon us...

when a mythical fat man is said to fly the friendly skies...

but we’re left with a tall order...

and caroling is heard throughout the land.

and folks are very concerned.

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December, 2011

Argus Sez Italian premier Silvio Berlusconi resigned over his sexual affair with a sixteen-year-old stripper named Ruby the Heart Stealer. He lost two titles in a week. He was replaced by Mario Monti as prime minister of Italy and by Jerry Sandusky as the creepiest man in the world.

The NBA players broke off talks with the owners and filed an anti-trust suit against the NBA. The public could care less about pro basketball during football season. If LeBron James was any less in demand right now his picture would be on Greek currency.

NASA launched the Curiosity Rover to Mars at Cape Canaveral. One arm of the robot rover is a chemistry-sensing laser and the other arm is a drilling bit. If they can find both oil and drugs there, both Republicans and Democrats will vote to fund NASA. New York’s Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices top one hundred dollars a barrel, sending gasoline prices through the roof. It’s demoralizing. Gas is so expensive in L.A. that guys in Beverly Hills are hiring hookers to siphon gas out of other people’s cars.

The Transportation Department ordered Exxon Mobil to fix its oil pipelines that are leaking into streams in Wyoming and Montana. The environment has adapted. Ford just invented a car that runs on water but it only runs on water from the Yellowstone River.

The Secret Service is looking for an unstable criminal named Oscar Ortega from Idaho in connection with two bullets that hit the White House last week. Where’s the security? Americans are demanding to know how illegal immigrants made it as far north as Idaho.

Herman Cain slipped in the GOP polls as his expertise in foreign policy came under question by an editorial board in Milwaukee. It was awkward. They asked Herman Cain about Libya and he said she’s a liar hired by the Democratic

ARGUS HAMILTON machine to discredit him.

The Washington Times reported that the U.S. aircraft carrier George H.W. Bush has been plagued with plumbing problems. The ship is named af ter a for mer pres i dent who is eighty-seven years old. They don’t need a plumber, they need a urologist.

Newt Gingrich was reported to have bought his wife jewelry and taken her on a cruise so she’d agree to his campaign. He did this on advice from his doctor. Twice he was almost killed by the most crippling disease in Washington, irreconcilable differences.

Throw Them All Out is a book by Peter Schweizer that details how U.S. congressmen use insider information to invest in stocks. It’s all legal. The tough part was when the pay phones were taken out of the Capitol and they had to learn to use a Blackberry to steal.

The Gallup Poll said seventy percent of Americans think the nation is heading in the wrong direction. Unemployment and the real estate crash have put the president and Congress in the approval dumper. China is starting to wonder about the country it bought.

President Obama announced he will send twenty-five hundred U.S. troops to Australia.

It’s to stop Chi nese power. They’re each equipped with Ben Bernanke’s phone number, so that in case China tries anything we can devalue the dollar and wipe them out.

Occupy Wall Street protesters were forcibly removed by police from the park in New York.

Homeland Security coordinated the public park evictions in sixteen cities. Karl Marx forgot to mention that you can’t stage a revolution without Porta-Potties.

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HUMOR TIMES

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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December, 2011

December, 2011

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Parting Shots History has come full circle...

Teen stages own kidnaping to get cash from father An Orlando, FL teenager is facing charges for staging his own kidnaping to extort a ransom from his father, according to Delray Beach police.

The 17-year-old disappeared from a Pro-Celebrity Tennis tournament in Delray Beach and later called his father, claiming his captors were demanding $50,000 for his release, police said.

Detectives and FBI agents tracked the teenager and suspect Joshua Andre Pee, 23, to a Budget Inn on the 2500 block of North Federal Highway in Delray Beach, officers said.

When agents moved in, Pee ran and broke into a house. The homeowner and her daughter fled and flagged down police who were searching the area. A sergeant tasered Pee when he refused to lay on the ground and surrender, according to the investigative report.

During questioning, Pee denied trying to extort money from the teenager’s father. He was charged with the burglary of an occupied dwelling and resisting arrest.

The teenager was charged with grand theft, the report stated.

Saudi women w/sexy eyes may be forced to cover them up RIYADH, Saudi Arabia – Saudi women with attractive eyes may be forced to cover them up, the news website Bikya Masr reported, in a move that could mark the latest repressive measure taken against women by the Islamic state.

A spokesperson for Saudi Arabia’s Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice (CPVPV), Sheikh Motlab al Nabet, said the committee had the right to stop women revealing “tempting” eyes in public.

Women in Saudi Arabia already have to cover their hair, and, in some regions, their faces while in public. If they do not, they face punishments including fines and public floggings.

The CPVPV has repeatedly been accused of human rights violations. Founded in 1940, its function is to ensure Islamic laws are not broken in public in Saudi Arabia.

In 2002 the committee refused to allow female students out of a burning school in Mecca because they were not wearing correct head cover, report said. The decision contributed to the high death toll of 15 people who were killed in the fire.

and now Europe has to keep raising the bar...

A little early to be playing Santa Claus: Would-be teen burglar gets stuck in chimney The person found in a suburban Atlanta home’s chimney recently was not Santa Claus arriving early. He was a 17-year-old alleged burglar who got stuck, police said.

Authorities said the teen spent about 10 hours lodged inside the chimney before getting freed.

A neighbor heard someone calling for help from the chimney early in the afternoon and phoned police, said Corporal Jake Smith, spokesman for the Gwinnett County Police Department.

Firefighters climbed on the roof and lowered ropes down to rescue the teen, who was uninjured, Smith said.

Police arrested the teen on one count of burglary and another of providing a false name to police. The owner of the house was not at home during the incident, authorities said.

The suspect, who had been stuck in the chimney since the wee hours of the morning, never made it into the house, said Gwinnett Fire Department spokesman Eric Eberly. Instead, he got stuck near the bottom of the chimney.

and the effects are far-reaching.

Teacher accused of making students rub her feet LEXINGTON, S.C. – The Lexington County School District is investigating after a first-grader complained about having to rub her teacher’s feet.

A district representative said appropriate action has been taken and the situation has been rectified. But that’s not nearly enough for some parents.

“She admitted to the children rubbing her feet,” said Brenda Norris. “Just the thought of it... They immediately sent her home, but she’s back there today.”

Norris is far from satisfied after her 6-year-old granddaughter, who is in first grade, came home from Batesburg-Leesville Primary School last Wednesday to said she was “tired of rubbing her teacher’s feet.” “’Do she take off her socks and shoes?’” Norris recounted asking. “’Grandma, she wears flip flops.’”

Norris refused to name the teacher, but said she would select students to massage her feet during class time. “My granddaughter has nightmares, she cries,” said Norris. “She said ‘I have three wishes, Grandma. One of them was not to go to school today.’”

Outraged, Norris took to Facebook and found at least half a dozen parents who said this also happened to their kids. The district says the situation has been handled.

“I don’t trust the system at all now,” said Norris. “I can’t trust the system. I’m afraid for her to go to school.”

Norris said the punishment is unacceptable since the teacher still has her job, and her granddaughter’s trust has been destroyed. “She was taught to do what the teacher said do,” said Norris. “And the teacher wants her to rub her feet? She told me ‘grandma, you didn’t tell me if I touch someone else, to tell you.’ That broke my heart.”

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December, 2011

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