Humor Times, January 2012

“Take the risk of thinking for yourself, much more happiness, truth, beauty, and wisdom will come to you that way.” – Christopher Hitchens (1949-2011)

Issue #241

January 2012

Don’t Cry About the News, Laugh About It! Formerly the Comic Press News

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The Humor Times: 20+ Years of the Best in Political Satire w w w . H u m o r T i m e s . c o m

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HUMOR TIMES

January, 2012

Editor’s Rant

Happy New Year!

It’s been another fun year for us here at the Humor Times, one filled with great comic fodder for a political humor rag such as ours. Need some reminders?

Comedian Will Durst takes a look at the top 10 funny stories of the year, in his column on page 6.

Heck, any year that kicks off a major party’s race for the presidential nomination always gives us some hearty laughs, but this year’s cast of characters takes the cake.

One can almost feel sorry for the Republican party, when you have to choose between the dumber-than-Bush Texan, the crazy lady from Minnesota, the gay-hater with the name he doesn’t want you to Google (Santorum), the serial adulterer with enough baggage to nearly fill his huge ego-inflated head, and the past, present or future version of the Mormon. Of course, there are the invisible men too: the other Mormon (Huntsman) and the only one with the courage to stand up against military intervention (Ron Paul).

Certainly, it’s a cast that kicks ass for comedy, as Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and our cartoonists and columnists have shown unequivocally.

It was a historic year for us too, as we celebrated our 20th anniversary in April.

We also launched a completely refurbished website, which is enjoying ever-growing popularity (www.humortimes .com).

Times are hard everywhere, of course, but our subscribers and advertisers are keeping us going strong. If you’re a fan, please consider giving subscriptions as gifts, today and for any occasion: birthdays, graduations, April Fools Day, etc.

Here’s looking forward to the new year, may it provide plenty of laughs. And hopefully, some much-needed positive change. Like, how about the strengthening of the growing movement to get the big money out of politics, getting the financial system under control and defining “persons” as actual people?

Of course, it may be the last year of the world as we know it anyway, if the Mayans are right.

In any case, we hope that you and yours have a prosperous and very happy new year!

– James Israel, Publisher/editor

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 21, Issue 241, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3127 Broadway, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217.

Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lester, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Tom Toles, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email.

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January, 2012

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Budget Blues The “Super Committee” made a “heroic” effort...

as it dared Congress to call its bluff.

determined to get results, no matter what...

Having signed Norquist’s pledge, Republicans were stuck...

but they said they were ready for any contingency.

Yet, their catch-all solution only went so far. (continued)

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HUMOR TIMES

January, 2012

Britain yearns for its economic independence...

and all of Europe is feeling a historic amount of pain.

Indeed, each country is dependent on the other.

Meanwhile, Congress is sticking to what it knows...

and the economy continues to slide... making it harder and harder to get by.

January, 2012

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The Top-10 Comedic News Stories of 2011 Okay. You can stop vibrating like a shaved poodle duct-taped to the foul pole at Wrigley during a night game in April. It’s finally here. The eighth annual Top-10 Comedic News Stories of the Year.

Veterans, please advise the newbies this list is NOT to be confused with the Top-10 Legitimate News Stories of the Year. They are as different as three-bean chili and those flannel pajamas with the feet in them. Like strip-mining slag heaps and the director’s cut of “Zookeeper.” Wire-haired dwarf goats and metal flake, stainless-steel dinnerware. Serious stuff?

Oh my, yes, indeed, you betcha, there were plenty — truth be told, too many — grisly stories that impacted the U.S., the world and planet greater than these; but to be fair, no Kardashian references either. So, here we go with events that happened in the year of our Lord, 2011, that most lent themselves to mocking and scoffing and taunting. In amplish amounts.

10. Wisconsin State Senate Plays Hide and Seek with Gov. Scott Walker. Indiana Democratic politicians eventually joined their Wisconsin colleagues seeking political asylum in Illinois.

Yeah, like Illinois doesn’t have enough problems with politicians sitting around doing nothing.

9. The Budget Battles. Had to admire the year-long Republican negotiating stance: “No. No. No. No. No.” What are you guys, four? Then Obama compromised. Yeah. The same way the Titanic compromised with that iceberg. The Obama Compromise. There’s an App for that. It’s called the iGiveup.

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8. The Super Committee. Slower than a slug on Thorazine.

Less powerful than a soggy Kleenex. Unable to compromise in a million years. As useless as a rope handle on a shovel.

7. Donald Trump Flirts with Presidency. “I want to see Barack Obama’s birth certificate.” Yeah. We want to see your DNA. First you got to prove to us that you’re a carbon-based life form. Never had a president with a comb-over. Never will.

6. Rick Perry. The candidate for those of you who could never cozy up to George Bush due to all his intellectual elitism. George Bush Lite. Which should be redundant. “Debates aren’t my strong suit.” Strong suit. Weak suit. Space suit. Leisure suit.

Birthday suit. Class action suit. Debates aren’t your black socks with sandals.

5. Occupy Wall Street. Providing the entire country with the opportunity to experience Burning Man, only without any of that annoying Playa dust or art.

4. Herman Cain. His presidential run fell victim to a classic case of He Said, She Said. She Said. She Said. She Said. She Said.

She Said. Suspended his campaign but announced he is still accepting donations. Aren’t we all.

3. Newt Gingrich vs. Mitt Romney. The Newtster versus Mittens. One has more baggage than the first flight out of O’Hare after a freak spring blizzard, and the other has flip-flopped so often his ads should end with “I’m Mitt Romney and I both approve and disapprove of this ad.”

2. Death of Osama bin Laden. The guy collected porn, used

HUMOR TIMES

WILL DURST

herbal Viagra and, if you believe the videos, hogged the remote.

Hate Americans? Looks like he was practicing to be one.

1. Anthony Weiner. The whole thing was his own damn fault.

If he hadn’t pronounced his name like a euphemism for sausage, nobody would have cared. Could easily have gone with Whiner.

Still a lousy name for a politician. Or he could have gone whole hog, “Yes, we spell it ‘W- E- I- N- E- R,’ but it’s pronounced ‘Schultz.’”

Weasel Boy vs. Plastic Man The mad mud-tossing between Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney, the last two Republicans still standing, is quickly ramping up to levels not seen since the Agincourt catapults. The candidates and their surrogates are busy dredging up dirt with fleets of front-loaders, personally wetting it down with outraged spittle and other anatomical fluids, and it’s getting ugly out there folks. Not to mention... moist.

The gloves are coming off and this battle of ironclads, unlike the Monitor and the Merrimack, is guaranteed to result in more self-inflicted harm than damage to the enemy. Sure, sure, other wannabees continue to circle the spotlight, but haphazardly, like September moths after repeated run-ins with a tricked-out bug zapper. Barring a second bout of primary puppy love, the race for the GOP presidential nomination is down to Weasel Boy and Plastic Man. As usual, it all started with money. Mitt Romney stepped in doo-doo deeper than Nietzsche’s private letters to Wittgenstein when he bet Rick Perry $10,000 in a recent debate, demonstrating the same kind of connection to the middle class that a ceramic Portuguese tie-clip in the shape of a crouching gargoyle has to squid fishing. Ten grand. Apparently, to the GOP, that’s pocket change, except of course in D.C., where it’s universally recognized as two and-a-half hookers.

Newt seized on the former Massachusetts Governor’s faux pas tighter than an extra-small t-shirt on a Sumo wrestler, acting uncharacteristically all humble-like, which seemed so scarily disingenuous he couldn’t help himself and actually blushed while laughing.

A bit of unexpected blowback almost knocked the former Speaker down when Mitt Man retaliated by referencing the third Mrs. Gingrich’s half-a-million dollar tab at Tiffany’s. Which, even amongst the fabled 1-percenters, is considered to be a heck of a lot of useless sparkly crap. Makes Elizabeth Taylor’s jewel box look like a Tupperware dish in a cabinet above the sink.

The GOP is rightfully worried about the spectacle of two very wealthy men accusing each other of being filthy rich. While trading accusations of flip-flopping even though both have changed positions more often than hyperkinetic six-year-olds playing speed Twister halfway through their Halloween stash.

Party regulars are starting to freak out, with the dim throbbing realization sinking in that one of these guys is destined to be their standard bearer. Dark whispers are muttered behind closed doors about Newt’s viability and Mitt’s likeability, which can both be measured in the low single digits. Baseball scores, not even football, much less basketball numbers.

Not just the presidency, we’re also beginning to hear phrases like “coat tails” and “down ballot” and other strategic buzz-words that are shorthand for “Aieieee!” Newt Romney or Mitt Gingrich.

Like choosing between getting your finger caught in a car door or an elephant stepping on your foot. In this case: a couple of wild elephants. The same, only different. And not in a good way.

Check out willdurst.com for more on Emmy-nominated comedian Will Durst’s upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

January, 2012

War Is Over (If You Want It) The Iraq war is officially ending...

again.

Meanwhile, U.S. wars drone on elsewhere.

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January, 2012

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Duh-bait Cain didn’t handle his affairs so well...

and that was the end of that.

Romney continued with his long-term strategy... holding a steady course in the debates.

But Newt reinvented himself... staging a comeback that startled everyone. (continued)

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HUMOR TIMES

January, 2012

Gingrich said he’s just a lucky guy...

and darn smart, too. He even...

tried getting the inside track in a debate hosted by Trump.

Meanwhile, Romney’s side bet with Perry didn’t impress...

and didn’t play so well with the public, either.

So, the party continued to vet candidates. (continued, pg. 11)

January, 2012

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What They’re Saying “But has anything come to define our collective moral outrage and societal decay quite like pepper spray has in 2011? Pepper spray, in fact, has acted as the mirror held up to our faces, even more so than Occupy Wall Street. Is this the era in which we live now?

Have our local (and campus!) police departments become so militarized and apathetically in sen si tive as to treat non vi o lent protesters like lab rats? Have some citizens taken it upon themselves to use it as a weapon in everyday life?”

– Slade Sohmer, HyperVocal, 12/12/11 “Here's the thing, kids. Paul Ryan wants to end Medicare. Period. He has a philosophical objection to it. He doesn't think it's the government's job. However, he can't go for an up-or-down vote on this because he would lose about eleventy-bajillion-to-one.

So, he's put together a plan to let Medicare 'die on the vine,' the strategy proposed by current GOP frontrunner Newt Gingrich so pithily back in 1995.”

– Charles P. Pierce, Esquire, 12/12/11 “Christopher Hitchens [who died Dec 15, 2011 of cancer] could be wrong; we had harsh public debates about the Iraq War, but I never doubted that, even then, he was coming from a good place of humane concern. In that instance, he allowed his great compassion for the Kurds and his justifiable loathing of Saddam Hussein to overwhelm a lifetime of opposition to the arrogant assumptions of America’s neocolonialism. Despite the vehemence of our debates, both public and personal, he and his saving grace and wife, Carol Blue, held a gathering at their home to discuss a book I wrote on the subject. This was a man unafraid of intellectual challenge and committed to pursuing the heart of the matter.

“That was his driving force, a seeker of truth to the end, and a deservedly legendary wit ness against the hy poc risy of the ever-sanctimonious establishment. What zeal this man had to eviscerate the conceits of the powerful, whether their authority derived from wealth, the state or a claim to the ear of the divine.

“Hitch was the opposite of the opportunistic pundits who competed with him for public space. He took immense risks, not the least in offering himself for waterboarding before concluding it was unmistakably torture, or challenging the greatness of God, knowing full well that he was exposing himself as an object of wildly irrational hate.”

– Robert Scheer, Truthdig, 12/16/11 Christopher Hitchens quotes: “The noble title of ‘dissident’ must be earned rather than claimed; it connotes sacrifice and risk rather than mere disagreement.”

“I became a journalist partly so that I wouldn’t ever have to rely on the press for my information.”

“The finest fury is the most controlled.”

“I apply the Abraham Lincoln test for moral casuistry: ‘If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong.’ Well, then, if waterboarding does not constitute torture, then there is no such thing as torture.”

“The essence of tyranny is not iron law. It is capricious law.”

“I try to deny myself any illusions or delusions, and I think that this perhaps entitles me to try and deny the same to others, at least as long as they refuse to keep their fantasies to themselves.”

“What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.”

“Alcohol makes other people less tedious, and food less bland, and can help provide what the Greeks called entheos, or the slight buzz of inspiration when reading or writing.”

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The Hightower Lowdown America’s Leaders Are Small, But Americans Are Not “We the people of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”

What a paragraph! Whatever happened to that BIG idea of America — the creation of a society that embraces and fosters such egalitarian values as justice, tranquility, common effort, the welfare of all and liberty?

We know, of course, that our nation has never attained the fullness of this ideal, but over the decades, generation after generation has at least striven to get closer to it — and made impressive progress. But today, some 224 years after the penning of the preamble, America’s corporate-financial-political establishment is insisting that it’s no longer possible or even desirable to pursue those democratic ideals that make our country important, and make it work.

What’s happened is that, from Wall Street to Washington, we now have too many 5-watt bulbs sitting in 100-watt sockets. As a result of our leaders’ dimness, America’s uniting and constructive ethic of “We’re all in this together” and “Together we can” is being supplanted by a shriveled, dispiriting ethic that exalts plutocratic selfishness and scorns the public interest as intrusive, wasteful, ideologically impure and morally ruinous. They’re pushing us toward a forbidding Kochian jungle in which there is no “we” — money rules, everyone’s on their own,

and such matters as justice, general welfare, tranquility and posterity are none of society’s damned business.

So here we are, the wealthiest nation on earth, with massive needs and an industrious population eager to get working on those needs, yet our leaders throw up their hands and say, “No can do.” Heavily financed political forces are rumbling throughout the country to crush the un ion move me nt, e li m i nat e wage protections, privatize everything from schools to Social Se cu rity, kill pov erty programs, un-regulate Wall Street, repeal environmental rules, suppress voter turnout, stack the courts, corporatize elections and delegitimize the democratic values expressed in the preamble. They are dynamiting the underpinnings of the middle class and taking away the public tools that ordinary people must have to do the extraordinary things that truly make America great.

Our “leaders” have given up on greatness because there’s no greatness in them.

However, there is hope in the people themselves. We see it in the ongoing Wisconsin rebel lion that is re ject ing the Koch-fu eled autocracy of the imperious Gov. Scott Walker; in the 61 percent grass-roots victory in Ohio on Nov. 8 to throw out the repressive anti-labor law that the right-wing Gov. John Kasich arrogantly tried to hang around the people’s neck; in the Occupy protest that is so big and so deeply felt by so many angry/hopeful people that even police sweeps cannot make it go away; and in still more uprisings that are coming — coming from such corners as frustrated job-seekers; tens of thousands of misused war

JIM HIGHTOWER veterans returning from the Mideast to mistreatment at home; hundreds of thousands of homeowners being mercilessly foreclosed on by bailed-out bankers; and others who’re simply fed up with the corporados and political flim-flammers who’re knocking ordinary Americans down and holding America back.

What we Americans have the most of is the very thing our failed leaders have the least of: bigness of spirit. They say “no,” but we say “yes” — on everything from repairing and extending our nation’s crumbling infrastructure (a 2009 poll even found that 74% of Republicans are willing to swallow a tax hike for this) to reclaiming our democracy by banning corporate money from our elections (84% of Americans support a constitutional amendment to do it).

While it can be disheartening to see the smallness of those in power, don’t let it get you down. Better that we turn their failure into our inspiration for more agitation. After all, they’re the ones who are wrong — wrong about the can-do power of the people they pretend to lead, wrong about the depth of this nation’s historic commitment to the common good, wrong about what they think they can get away with.

As we head into the New Year, our task is to confront their pusillanimity — demand from every candidate for every office to explain why their vision is so myopic and why their idea of what Americans can do is so small.

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January, 2012

Duh-bait (conclusion)

Environment

Finally, the race was starting to shape up...

The climate change debate howls on...

between the pro-child-labor, family values serial adulterer...

as summits come and go.

and the Mormon.

Meanwhile, energy “solutions� get riskier and riskier.

January, 2012

HUMOR TIMES

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

A Letter from Mitt Romney

Trump to Host GOP Freak Show Series

Your Chance to Win $10,000

‘The Donald’ will reprise his Apprentice role, ‘Promoting the best and firing the rest’

DES MOINES – Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney today issued the fol low ing open let ter to America: Dear American: A lot of people are going around today saying that M i t t Romney is too rich a n d out-of-tou ch to be Romney: “Just sayin’” President.

Well, I am willing to bet you $10,000 I’m not.

I’m holding in my hand a crisp ten grand note that can be yours if I’m wrong. I always walk around with a thick wad of these, just in case I need to tip a wine steward or light up a fat cigar. In a pinch, I sometimes peel one off and use it to wipe my fanny. You wouldn’t think Mitt Romney would ever run out of toilet paper, but when you live in a 11,000 square foot mansion with seventeen bathrooms, believe me, it happens!

I guess you could say I’ve always been a betting man. Like earlier this fall, when Rick Perry accused me of using an illegal alien to cut my lawn in La Jolla.

Why, the next day I called out to yardman, “Jose, I’ll bet you $10,000 you’re legal.” He didn’t take the bet, because he ran away and I never saw him again. I guess betting isn’t a part of his culture, wherever he comes from.

And while we’re on the subject of being rich and out of touch, here’s something Mitt Romney would never do: run up a $500,000 tab at Tiffany buying diamond nipple rings for his third wife. As the kids like to say, “Just sayin’.”

Vote for me, Mitt

A Humor Times Special Report Trump believes it will be easier to sign up canDonald Trump announced today that whether didates for his new show. Jon Huntsman, Texas or not his floundering “Debate Spectacular” in Rep. Ron Paul and Gov. Mitt Romney all bowed late De cember hap pens, he out of the de bate he had plans on “putting to gether planned, citing “previous ensomething huge, with all the gagements with reality.” can di dat es show ing what “But this is something that they’re really made of,” in a will be fun for ev ery body. new series on the Syfy network Lighten the mood a bit. The in January. country wants this, and anyone “I’m really excited about who’s serious about wanting to this,” said the The Apprentice win will have to come,” said host, “and promise not to quit Trump. before it starts, like everything “And it’ll be way better else I do related to politics. It than that stupid debate Stewill be mod eled af ter our phen Colbert is trying to put hugely successful Apprentice together. He’s a clown. I’m seshow. Only in this one, candirious.” dates will have to prove how Trump said he is “proud to Two suave Republicans. Image by much they want the job of be hosting this ground-breakDonkeyHotey, flickr.com. president.” ing show, where I’ll be pro“The Donald,” relentless self-promoter and moting the best and firing the rest, just like in my himself a perpetual “potential” presidential candi- huge hit show, The Apprentice.” date, said he wants to put White House hopefuls “Once I’ve humiliated everybody and thinned “through the hoops, literally.” Contestants will be out the competition, I’ll re-enter the race and ride required to run endurance races, jump through ac- my fame, fortune and great looks all the way to the tual hoops into the water, eat bugs, and other such White House,” he said. tasks, including many demanding but hilarious “But the show is important. At the end of the obstacle courses, like on the TV show “Wipeout.” series, I’ll pick my Vice-President,” said Trump.

Man Takes Viagra, Wears Sweatpants for TSA Pat Down

NASHVILLE INT’L AIRPORT — A Wyoming man walked through a TSA checkpoint with a raging erection on Thursday, daring TSA officers and even fellow passengers to give him an invasive pat down.

“I’m next,” Warren Kelvin, 34, screamed as he pushed to the front of the security line. According to TSA officials, Kelvin had ingested two Viagra and wore sweatpants without boxers for his Southwest flight from Nashville to Phoenix.

“I thought he was carrying a baton in his pants,” said Amanda Watershed, second shift supervisor of the A Terminal at Nashville International Airport. “Nope… That was his penis.”

Even though TSA officials allowed Kelvin to initially pass through security without the controRe ported by Andy Borowitz, versial pat down, the passenger kept getting back borowitzreport.com in line until he felt that he had been thoroughly inspected. Kelvin finally got the invasive pat down by 38-year-old officer Duncan Allbright after 80 New Year Best Time for minutes and four trips through security.

Humorous Gift Subs, Say Experts “Even after we let him pass through he kept The holiday gift-giving season may be walking out of the terminal and getting back in over, but the new year is the best time to give line,” said Watershed. “Finally, Duncan had to subscriptions to political humor magazines, bite the bullet for everyone and do a thorough like the Humor Times, a new study shows. screening of him in a private [security] room.”

Fox News Names Pepper Spray Person of the Year First food product to snag top honors

pepper spray has on people.”

NEW YORK – The Fox News Channel “It truly is ‘the little crowd control weapon made history to today my naming “pepper that could,’” she added. spray” its Person of the Year for 2011.

News of the award stoked speculation that Fox an chor Megyn Kelly pep per spray might soon be noted the historic nature of the given its own nightly show on nod, in di cat ing that pep per Fox. spray was “the first food prodAccording to one net work uct, essentially” to receive such source, one format being considprestigious recognition. ered would involve a canister of “From Tahrir Square to pepper spray interviewing memlower Manhattan to UC Davis to Fox News honors “enforcer.” bers of the so-called “Occupy” Walmart, brave little pepper spray was there,” movement, and then spraying them in the face.

Ms. Kelly said, adding, “I’m tearing up a little R e p o r te d by Andy Borow itz , right now, which I guess is the effect that borowitzreport.com

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Allbright, a 14-year veteran of airport secur i t y, a nnounced his retirement shortly after K e l v i n boarded the Bringing new meaning to “pat down.” plane. “I’m going home to take a shower and make love to my wife,” said Allbright. “This job isn’t for me. I’ve suddenly lost my passion for touching strangers.”

U.S Home land Se cu rity di rec tor Janet Napolitano dismissed concerns that more TSA officers would quit or that more travelers would take similar measures to get their “jollies”. “I am hoping this is an isolated incident. If flights were a lot cheaper, I could see more people doing this,” said Napolitano, “but with the cost of airplane fuel rising, I don’t think $560 roundtrip is a bargain price to get fondled.”

Calls to TSA headquarters went unanswered, as everyone there is just exhausted.

– Garrett Baldwin, thewashingtonfancy.com

FDA Declares Rick Perry a Vegetable Texas Governor approved for school lunches WASHINGTON – In a decision that raised some eyebrows in the nutrition community, the Food and Drug Administration announced today that it had declared Texas Governor Rick Perry a vegetable.

The decision, effective immediately, means that a serving of Mr. Perry would be approved for school lunches across the nation.

In an official statement, Mr. Perry said he was “surprised and honored” by the FDA’s decision.

“As a vegetable, I am honored to join the other three food groups,” said Gov. Perry. “Meat, dairy, and… nope, can’t do it. Oops.”

– Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com

HUMOR TIMES

In Positive Economic Sign, Walmart Customers Killing Each Other to Buy Shit Pepper spraying, homicide bullish indicators, economists say MINNEAPOLIS – In what economists are hailing as a clear sign of economic recovery, Walmart customers across the USA jammed into stores on Black Friday, sometimes killing each other to buy useless shit. “ We h a v e been looking for ev i dence that the economy is on the mend,” said Da vis Logsdon, chairShoppers out “in force.” man of the econom ics de part ment at the Uni ver sity of Minnesota. “When people resort to homicide to buy a Blu-ray player, that is very, very good news indeed.”

Mr. Logsdon said he was “impressed” by the lengths to which some Walmart customers were going to grab coveted sale items: “They’re using tactics we usually associate with the UC-Davis police.”

With many customers using pepper spray and other weapons to get a shopping advantage, however, Mr. Logsdon advised Americans not to enter a Walmart unarmed.

“If you want to get your hands on a doorbuster, you’d better have a firearm,” he said. “Fortunately, Walmart is offering several great doorbusters on firearms.”

Walmart and other retailers’ decision to commence their Black Friday sales a day early carries with it an added benefit for consumers, he noted: “Now, Americans will be able to declare bankruptcy one day earlier.”

All in all, Dr. Logsdon said that the increased violence and mayhem at retail outlets across the country was “a testament to the greatness of the American consumer.”

“Egyptians risk their lives for new government,” he said. “Americans bravely do the same for new flat screens.”

Re port ed by Andy Borowi t z , borowitzreport.com

As Cain Drops Out, Pro-adultery Voters Shift to Gingrich Biggest GOP voting bloc, experts say CONCORD, NH – Herman Cain withdrew from the Republican presidential race today, a move that resulted in millions of pro-adultery voters shifting their support to former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

The shift in support is significant because pro-adultery voters represent the single largest voting bloc in the Republican Party, experts say.

Tracy Klugian, a prominent adulterer from Concord, New Hampshire, said he was sorry to see Mr. Cain leave the race “because he was very committed to the one issue I care about: namely, adultery.”

But he added that he had been in touch with many other adulterers in the state and that they were all switching to Mr. Gingrich.

“Even when we were supporting Cain, a lot of us were supporting Gingrich behind his back,” the adulterer said. “I guess that’s how we do.”

Re port ed by Andy Borowi t z , borowitzreport.com

January, 2012

On the Ropes Obama launched his presidential campaign...

by quoting a great president.

He’s trying to counter the GOP contenders... but there’s something else distracting him.

Congressional Repubs continue to pull his strings... and the Democratic Party is working out its strategy.

January, 2012

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Around the World in Six Cartoons Russian elections were held...

but voters thought there was something smelly about the results.

Meanwhile, Iran continues to develop nukes...

Korea continues to be run by the King of Crazy...

the Egyptian army doesn’t seem to grasp the concept of democracy... and China is not real happy with Obama.

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January, 2012

Occupied The Occupy movement has persevered through negativity...

and abuse.

On Wall Street, executives breathe a sigh of relief... and it’s on with business as usual.

They say they welcome oversight... but there’s one thing they just want out of sight.

January, 2012

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Bad Sports

Holidaze

The Penn State hearings got under way...

The holiday season was celebrated once again...

and some smashing deals were had...

but college coaches say the system works...

as little boys & girls stayed on their best behavior. as we gear up for another bowl season.

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January, 2012

Argus Sez Derek Jeter was reportedly sending his one-night stands home with an autographed baseball. That’s not a great gift. Derek Jeter has so many one-night stands that the balls won’t be worth a nickel unless he dies of a sexually transmitted disease from one of the first five.

The GOP frontrunner is a little on the defensive. Newt Gingrich not only signed a pledge to be faithful to his wife, he promised to be faithful to his next three wives.

The Supreme Court agreed to rule on Arizona’s attempt to control its borders. They should be allowed to try. If there’s one thing that will change your mind about illegal immigration it’s trying to build a six-hundred-mile-long fence without the help of Mexicans Pope Benedict announced he will make a visit to Mexico. The jobless rate is only five percent, families are averaging two kids and their standard of living is going up. If they acted any more Protestant, they’d be skipping church to watch the British Open.

Ron Paul made an appearance on NBC’s Tonight Show. The congressman hates government spend ing but he fa vors le gal iz ing marijuana. He’ll never have a government building named after him but he’s invited to the groundbreaking of every tunnel from Tijuana to San Diego.

ABC fired Christiane Amanpour as host of This Week when she could n’t dent Bob Schieffer’s ratings at CBS. He outdrew Katie Couric, he outlasted Cokie Roberts and he trounced Amanpour. Gloria Allred has gone back to the law books to see if ratings harassment is a federal crime.

The U.S. Senate began hearings into the Penn State and Syracuse and junior hockey child sex abuse cases. It’s all for show. The sen-

ARGUS HAMILTON

ators want to prove they’re not creeps after cameras caught them winking at the witnesses during the Wall Street hearing.

Texas had to close down its oyster beds in the Gulf of Mexico. Toxic algae is poisoning the oysters in the water. The algae was planted on the oysters by the drug companies after people told market researchers that oysters are a better value than Cialis.

President Obama asked Iran to return the U.S. spy plane drone that crashed in Iran last weekend. Americans were confused. When news first broke that Iran was in possession of the American drone, we just assumed they had taken Al Gore hostage.

President Obama announced the end of the Iraq War mid-December at Fort Bragg. It’s a budget decision. The U.S. troops have guaranteed health insurance and retirement pay but the private contractors who’ll replace them work for cash without benefits or pensions.

Congress tied the payroll tax cut to the Keystone oil pipeline recently. This pipeline could secure affordable, abundant oil supplies from a country that doesn’t hate us. It now falls to Jeb Bush to think of a pretext to invade Canada to topple the prime minister.

Wisconsin state officials accepted as valid a governor-recall petition which included the signatures of Adolf Hitler and Mickey Mouse. Of course they’re not valid. Mickey Mouse is a resident of California and Adolf Hitler has been back at his home in hell ever since he completed his job at the Bush White House as a rhetorical device in Iraq speeches.

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January, 2012

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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Parting Shots Barney Frank announced his retirement...

Man ticketed for holiday lights on SUV MONTGOMERY COUNTY, Texas — A Montgomery County man was ticketed for lighting his car up in the holiday spirit.

Ron Keathley said he has placed Christmas lights on his car for the last eight years.

Instead of spreading holiday cheer, he must pay a hefty fine.

“It’s pretty disappointing. I’ve always had a good time with this. I’ve done it every year for many years and it really makes a lot of people smile,” he said. “That’s the reason why I enjoy it so much to see so many people with a smile on their face.”

On Monday, Keathley said a deputy saw his decorated SUV, pulled him over and gave him a ticket for unauthorized lighting on the exterior of a vehicle.

According to the Texas Transportation codes, the flashing lights could pose a risk for other drivers. Keathley plans on removing the lights.

Anonymous donors pay off Kmart layaway accounts

as a new round of campaigning got under way...

OMAHA, Neb. — The young father stood in line at the Kmart layaway counter, wearing dirty clothes and worn-out boots. With him were three small children.

He asked to pay something on his bill because he knew he wouldn’t be able to afford it all before Christmas. Then a mysterious woman stepped up to the counter.

“She told him, ‘No, I’m paying for it,’” recalled Edna Deppe, assistant manager at the store in Indianapolis. “He just stood there and looked at her and then looked at me and asked if it was a joke. I told him it wasn’t, and that she was going to pay for him.

And he just busted out in tears.”

At Kmart stores across the country, Santa seems to be getting some help: Anonymous donors are paying off strangers’ layaway accounts, especially for toys and children’s clothes set aside by impoverished parents.

Before she left the store one evening, the Indianapolis woman in her mid-40s had paid the layaway orders for as many as 50 people. On the way out, she handed out $50 bills and paid for two carts of toys for a woman in line at the cash register.

“She was doing it in the memory of her husband who had just died,” Deppe said.

The woman did not identify herself and only asked people to “remember Ben,” an apparent reference to her husband.

Most of the donors have done their giving secretly. The benefactors generally ask to help families who are squirreling away items for young children. They often pay a portion of the balance, usually all but a few dollars or cents so the layaway order stays in the store’s system.

The phenomenon seems to have begun in Michigan before spreading, Kmart executives said. “It is honestly being driven by people wanting to do a good deed at this time of the year,” said Salima Yala, Kmart’s division vice president for layaway.

Man called in threats to avoid urine tests ANCHORAGE, Alaska — Police say an Alaska man twice called in bomb threats to a probation office to avoid urine tests.

Anchorage police spokesman Lt. Dave Parker says that 44-year-old Bryant K. Brown was arrested on two counts of terroristic threatening.

Parker says bomb threats were called into the state Department of Corrections Adult Probation Office on Nov. 22 and Nov. 23 — the same days Brown was scheduled for surprise urine tests.

He says those on probation receive a card with a certain color on it and must call in every day to see if those with that colored card need to be tested.

Brown had been called for testing on both days that bomb threats were called in.

Brown was scheduled to be arraigned Friday.

NJ Cable Guy Finds Black Bear Asleep in Basement Maybe he fell asleep waiting for the cable guy.

A Cablevision technician walked into a New Jersey home recently to find a sleeping bear in the basement.

The repairman entered the home on Madison Trail in Hopatcong to perform scheduled repairs when he found the sleeping bear in the basement, police said.

The bear, which had been spotted wandering in the neighborhood earlier in the afternoon, escaped the home.

New Jersey Fish and Game officials were called in, and at about 3 p.m., located the bear and tranquilized it.

Police said it took some time for the large bear to go down. The animal walked a few blocks over to Missouri Trail and eventually fell asleep.

No injuries were reported.

and economic solutions were proposed.

Thieves arrested after pocket-dialing 911 Who knew the much-maligned “pocket dial” could fight crime?

It happened in Madison as two suspected thieves made an escape after taking DVDs and computer games from a Target store, according to the Madison Police Department. A 27 and a 28-year-old were driving away in a blue SUV and chatting about where they were going to try to sell the stolen merchandise, police said.

When the men got into the SUV, one of them “pocket-dialed” 911. An emergency dispatcher listened to the open cell phone line as the men “bragged about what they stole, described the vehicle they were in, and where they were going,” one of the arresting officers said. The dispatcher relayed details to police about where the men were headed.

Officers were waiting with guns drawn when the pair stopped in a parking lot near a Video X-Change store. Police said the men appeared dumbfounded. “You guys tap my phone?” one of the men asked.

While officers were taking inventory of the stolen items, one of them found the phone and pressed the hang up button.

The suspects gave us “everything we needed,” police said.

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