“Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.” – Oscar Ameringer
Issue #242
February 2012
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Fighting the New War Well, we’ve finally ended one war (officially, at least). By the way, isn’t it so strange that nowadays, conducting more than one war at a time seems “normal”? Anyway, now that we’ve ended one, I have a proposal for a new one. Now, I’m a man of peace, don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating war with Iran, as some – believe it or not – are. I’m not calling for a conventional war, nor even one like the “war on drugs” – as that is nearly as destructive as the kind with bombs. No, I’m talking about a that war all good citizens should now engage themselves in. Everyone needs to sign up, not just the 1% of mostly low-income Americans who go to fight the destructive wars for the 1% with all the power and money. The war I’m proposing is a war of ideas, for the people, and against the corporate takeover now in progress. Because, make no mistake, there is a corporate takeover underway. We’ve heard for decades about corporate takeovers of other businesses, but now they are out to take over our government. Sound paranoid? Sure it does, even to me. But one look at the facts on the ground, and you can see the enemy of democracy flanking us on all sides. With the help of corrupt elected officials and judges, corporations now completely fund our elections. If you want to win an election, you must bow down to the big money, and then be its servant once in office. Corporations can spend unlimited sums of money to get their candidates elected, and can even do so secretly. Because the courts have ruled that “money equals speech,” these ever-more powerful entities drown out the rest of us, with their expensive “speech” versus our ordinary, neighbor to neighbor speech. Corporations control the media beyond ad buys as well, telling us just what they want us to hear, via biased “news” coverage, specials, etc. And what they don’t tell us speaks volumes too. One person, one vote is not served well with the dominant influence of a few in our media. Oh, and big business increasingly count the votes as well, electronically, using secret, proprietary software. It’s not who votes, it’s who counts the votes, as Stalin said (supposedly). Also, we’ve helped them compartmentalize the electorate, by only watching the cable news we “agree” with, subscribing to the twitter feeds that reflect our point of view, hanging out with only “our” crowd on Facebook, and so on. Even Google searches return results tailored to our individual tastes, and advertising is increasingly adapted to our surfing tendencies online. But to fight this necessary war, a war of ideas, we need to talk to those we’re less comfortable talking to. We need to let them know it’s OK to think outside their little boxes. That all these issues are thought about many ways by reasonable people, and so, if others with intellect are convinced of something, it’s at least worth an honest look. Without preconceptions. One thing to bring to our fellow citizens’ attention is this: There is a big push for a constitutional amendment, which would reverse some very poor Supreme Court decisions, and declare that corporations, in fact, are not people. This is a good thing, and should be part of our new war. But we should also press for congressional action, as outlined by this article on the Humor Times website: humortimes.com/5026/constitutional-amendment-not-needed-congress-alreadyhas-a-remedy/. In it, James Marc Leas of Truthout.org argues that the Constitution includes “sufficient checks and balances on all three branches of government – including the courts – to prevent the kind of tyranny we now suffer.” “Under our existing Constitution,” Mr. Leas says, “Congress already has the power to stop the court from making any more of the decisions that have allowed the 1 percent to buy elections. Then Congress can pass legislation reversing the unconstitutional decisions the court has made to corrupt elections.” The provision he’s referring to in the Constitution reads: “The Supreme Court shall have appellate Jurisdiction, both as to Law and Fact with such Exceptions and under such Regulations as the Congress shall make.” (US Constitution, Article III, Section 2.) “Hence, under the Constitution,” says Leas, “Congress has the power to remove Court jurisdiction over financing election campaigns. Removing Court jurisdiction means that the court would not even be able to take up cases involving financing of elections. Congress and state legislatures will then be free to pass laws removing private money from election campaigns.” So, we have our marching orders. If we want to keep our democratic republic, and not allow a corporate takeover which would render our country a defacto oligarchy, we must work hard to convince Congress to make the change Leas advocates. And why not fight the war on two fronts? Let’s work for the constitutional amendment as well. It’s time to fight, or lie down and lose what our forefathers gave us. Which will it be? – James Israel, Publisher/editor
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P.S. Please check out a new columnist, Roz Warren on pg 22! We lover her. Hope you do too. The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 21, Issue 242, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3127 Broadway, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Inc., Galt, CA 95632. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lester, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Tom Toles, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2012. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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Adventures on the Campaign Trail As the Republican primaries plowed through the winter...
the field thinned out a bit.
The frontrunner status kept changing...
and Santorum was encouraged...
but he has some problems. Then there’s Ron Paul – he just doesn’t get it. (continued)
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HUMOR TIMES
February 2012
So, it looks like it’s down to two.
Mitt’s PAC used its considerable clout...
and the others didn’t think that was right.
So Newt called him out.
Romney has made some tactical errors... giving Gingrich a chance to flourish. (continued)
February 2012
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State of the Union Drinking Game! President Barack Obama State of the Union Drinking Game What you need to play: Four taxpayers: One white, Wall Street type in full suit and yellow power tie (MBA Guy); two ordinary folks sporting jeans, one in blue work shirt, other in white shirt (the Jeans); and one person wearing clothes that look like they were used for floor covering at a tire-changing shop for a minimum of three months, with belt, shoelaces, socks and underwear confiscated (Rags). Except for MBA Guy, game is non-gender or race specific. One large screen HDTV tuned to speech. 42-inch or larger. Game played behind coffee table three feet away. One regulation shot glass per person. Everybody brings own, placing it on coffee table. MBA Guy gets first choice among assembled. White shirt picks next, then blue shirt. MBA Guy takes last shot glass as well, and Rags either rents it from him, finds a replacement or drinks out of own cupped hands. Everybody antes up 20 bucks. Cash. Except MBA Guy, who tosses in hand-made voucher. Preferably crayon. Two packages Lit’l Smokies in bowl with favorite BBQ sauce. One package round toothpicks. One bottle small-batch Kentucky bourbon. Two six-packs beer apiece. Rags gets whatever is on sale, i.e. Heileman’s Old Style Ice Dry Light. MBA Guy gets choice of import. The Jeans get domestic, and must go to store to purchase and carry provisions.
Rules of the game: 1. As soon as president says “State of the Union is good, but could be better,” last person to eat three Lit’l Smokies on toothpicks has to drink three shots of beer. 2. Every time Barack H. Obama says “compromise,” first person to stop laughing is exempt from drinking two shot glasses of beer. 3. If either Vice President Biden or House Speaker Boehner gets caught napping on camera, last person to sing “Wake Up, Little Susie” drinks four shots of beer. 4. Whenever Mr. Obama says word “jobs,” everybody drinks shot of beer. If he hits 10, throw used toothpicks at TV and first to stick one within outline of his face doesn’t have to drink two shots of bourbon. 5. If Chief Executive winks and/or points at Michelle, all four players blow kisses. Drink shot of beer for every general’s star sitting within two seats of First Lady. 6. When Obama speaks about sacrifices made by our brave troops, last one to leap to attention and salute must drink shots of beer for entire duration of standing ovation. 7. Every time Barack uses phrase “offshore banking accounts,” clasp a Lit’l Smokie between the teeth and swordfight others. Losers drink 3 shots of beer and eat sausages. Winner can spit his out. 8. Whenever Obama makes reference to faith getting him through tough times, last person to fall to knees and shout “Halle-
WILL DURST
lujah!” drinks shot of bourbon. 9. If president relates touching heartfelt story of somebody denied health care, Rags gets to kick everybody else once. Twice, if subject of anecdote is in audience. Three times, if he/she is sitting next to astronaut 10. When Barack H. Obama mentions bipartisanship, last person to pretend to faint drinks three shots of beer. Extras: Before speech, everyone writes down who they think is giving Republican response. Anybody who correctly identifies person doesn’t have to watch. MBA Guy takes home all the money and the Jeans pay off voucher. Leftover bourbon, beer and Lit’l Smokies go home with Rags after he/she washes dishes in front of TV.
Southern-Fried Vultures Surely you’re longing to hear some scathingly humorous remarks concerning the New Hampshire primary. And it would be our honor to relate a few pithily amusing jibes about 2012?s primary Primary. Only, sorry. Not going to happen. Can’t be done. N.H. is so… over and done with. Day before yesterday. Such archaic news, you probably read about it in some ancient medium like a broadsheet gazette with sepia-toned daguerreotypes. Oh sure, in the distant future, historians may well remark upon Willard Mitt Romney’s romp. And what a righteous romp it was. With the grimacing refugee from Madame Tussaud’s Wax Works avenging his 2008 defeat to John McCain by beating the rest of the field like a 4-year-old with a dime-store drum on Christmas morning to become the first Republican non-incumbent to sweep both the Iowa caucuses and the New Hampshire primary. And that plus 2 and a half bucks gets you a cup of coffee. Alas, the political circus has long since moved on. Some of the camps were gone pre-already. Didn’t even bother to hang around Manchester for the actual count and amount, so intent were they to seek their second wind in the warmth of the southern primary action in South Carolina on the 21st and Florida 10 days later. Hustling down, over their shoulders, the back of the pack halfheartedly tried to dismiss the former Massachusetts Governor’s triumph in the Granite State as a “Isn’t it Nice to See the Boy Next Door Doing so Well” kind of neighborly thing. But that proved a minor distraction and everyone knows the stakes for the final Anybody-But-Mitt tent need to pitched now. Today. If not sooner. Deep into the fertile soil of the Palmetto State. This Southern-Fried Maginot Line is the last, best chance to jump on the Mittmeister and the whole B-Team is lacing up their steel-toed boots and pounding nails into their soles as we speak. South Carolina is where Bush derailed McCain in 2000; and to say the above-the-belt tactics were outnumbered by those below the belt is both accurate and lame. To buttress his own personal Alamo, Newt Gingrich picked up $5 million from a single donor, to be funneled directly into ads to do to Romney what Romney did to him in Iowa. Cover your eyes, kids: this won’t be pretty. The guy who famously bragged, “I like to fire people,” Mr. Bain Capital, is about to bump up against an entire slate of candidates — not to mention a state — that feels the same way. Not Newt himself, but Newt’s Super PAC, which has absolutely no connection to Newt. None. Whatsoever. At all. Totally separate entity. Super PAC. Such a guy thing. “My Super PAC is bigger than your Super PAC.” Super PAC envy. And the candidate with the biggest Super PAC gets the girl. Rick Perry has joined Gingrich in running a series of grisly ads assailing the front-runner as a vulture capitalist; guaranteed to rile Willard up so bad his talons will be itching for more carrion. And no, I’m not talking about Rick Santorum. The ads are so vicious that if the Barack Obama Re-election Campaign possessed an ounce of common human decency, they’d chip in a couple bucks. Then again, maybe they are. The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist work ing in the coun try to day.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com. Or don’t.
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HUMOR TIMES
February 2012
Adventures on the Campaign Trail (conclusion) Newt’s second wife opened a real can of worms...
but he insists he’s the man you’re looking for.
making Republicans even more wary...
Meanwhile, Romney continues to hone his “everyman” routine...
and it may even be working... or not.
February 2012
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Winning! (If You’re the 1%) It’s a new year, but the economy continues to sink... and the signs are not good...
for a recovery. Americans needed some relief...
but oddly, Republicans said the tax cut wasn’t fair... to the ones they adore. (continued)
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February 2012
School budgets are hurting... even more than some parents know...
and it’s not fair. Meanwhile, the SEC has some big fish to fry...
defense contractors are bracing for a battle... and regular folks are feeling the pressure.
February 2012
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What They’re Saying Corporate Rule Is Not Inevitable You may remember that there was a time when apartheid in South Africa seemed unstoppable... With hindsight, though, apartheid’s fall appears inevitable: the legitimacy of the system had already crumbled. It was harming too many for the benefit of too few. South Africa’s freedom fighters would not be silenced, and the global movement supporting them was likewise tenacious and principled. In the same way, the legitimacy of rule by giant corporations and Wall Street banks is crumbling. This system of cor po rate rule also benefits few and harms many, affecting nearly every major issue in public life. For example: • Powerful corporations socialize their risks and costs, but privatize profits. That means we, the 99 percent, pick up the tab for environmental clean ups, for helping workers who aren’t paid enough to afford food or health care, for bailouts when risky speculation goes wrong... • Scientists say that we are on the brink of runaway climate change; we only have a few years to make the needed investments in clean power and energy efficiency. This transition could be a huge job creator – on the order of the investments made during World War II, which got us out of the Depression... • Big Pharma jacks up prices; insurance companies raise premiums and delivers fewer benefits; the burden of inflated care drags down the economy and bankrupts families. But only a very few politicians stand up to the health care industry’s war chests and advocate for Canadian-style single-payer health care, which would go a long way toward solving the cost problem. • Corporations and wealthy executives fund an army of lobbyists and election campaigns, spreading untruths and self-serving policy prescriptions. It’s not that we, the people, haven’t noticed all this. In a recent poll by the Pew Research Center, 77 percent of Americans said too much power is concentrated in the hands of a few rich people and large corporations. In a poll by Time Magazine, 86 percent of Americans said Wall Street and its lobbyists have too much influence in Washington. And 80 percent of Americans oppose Citizens United, the pro-corporate Supreme Court ruling that turns two years old today. Eighty percent – that’s among Republicans, Democrats, and Independents. Some say corporations have such a strong grip on politicians and big media that it is impossible to challenge them, no matter how many of us there are. But I believe we can do it... • Corporations were created by public law to provide a public benefit. If we the people no longer feel that a corporation is providing a benefit – or if we feel that it is operating in a lawless and destructive manner – we can revoke their charter. • We can insist that, in exchange for use of our public airwaves, broadcasters provide free airtime to candidates for public office. • We can get our governments to... start our own state banks – 14 states, including California and Washington, are considering it... • We can call for a constitutional amendment overturning Citizens United, corporate personhood, and the ridiculous notion that money is the same thing as speech... • We can use mechanisms like clean elections, electoral transparency, citizen review of legislation, and recalls to keep corporate control of our democracy in check... None of these actions will be easy. It will take time – potentially years of work – to make big change. But just as the legitimacy of apartheid crumbled well before the institutions of apartheid went down, the legitimacy of corporate rule is crumbling. So I’m convinced that, with you and me and all the others out there creating alternatives and taking a stand, we will see change. – Sarah van Gelder, YES! Magazine, 1/21/12
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The Hightower Lowdown America’s Class Divide What planet does presidential wannabe Rick Santorum live on? When it comes to grasping the situation of America’s hard-hit workaday majority, this sweater-vested ultra-right-winger is further out than Pluto. In a recent debate, Santorum assailed a tax plan proposed by front-runner Mitt Romney. It wasn’t the plan’s details that caused Rick to stamp his tiny feet, but Romney’s expressed intent to help the “middle class.” Tut-tut, chided the ideo log i cally-pure Santorum, Republicans mustn’t use such language, for it creates an impression of class warfare. After all, he lectured: “There are no classes in America. We don’t put people in classes.” Sure, Rick — today’s jobless economy, a national epidemic of union busting and wage knockdowns, absurd tax give aways to the super-rich, the ongoing Wall Street bailout, inexcusable corporate subsides, rising poverty, the slashing of anti-poverty programs and a decade of falling incomes for the vast majority, while the elite 1 percent makes off with triple-digit increases in its wealth — there’s no class war happening. Just close your eyes, hum a happy tune … and live on Pluto. Meanwhile, in the same week that Santorum spoke, the Pew Research Center released a new survey showing how far removed he is from reg u lar peo ple’s ex pe ri ence and con cerns. Two-thirds of Americans see “strong conflicts” between the rich and poor in our country, a stark
division between those few who have wealth, power and security, and the vast majority who don’t. The few do not have the same objectives as the many, and the survey found that this class separation — yes, class — is the No. 1 source of social tension in America today. Interestingly for the far-out Santorum, not only do 73 percent of Democrats and 68 percent of independents agree, but so do 55 percent of Republicans. One of the hidebound myths in our culture is the Horatio Alger fantasy: You might be born poor, Bucko, but America’s the land of upward mobility — anyone with grit and gumption can scramble from the very bottom of the economic ladder all the way to the top. At last, though, this musty myth is being dispelled, as everyone from academics to Wall Street protesters are proving that it simply isn’t true. Even prominent politicos are catching on. As one said last fall, “(Movement) up into the middle income is actually greater … in Europe than it is in America.” That’s no liberal talking, it’s Rick Santorum! The same guy who now says, “There are no classes in America,” was at least visiting reality just a few months ago. While GOP leaders still try to dismiss the issue of income inequality, the mobility issue goes to the very core of America’s identity — it’s too big to deny or ignore. John Bridgeland , a former Bush aide who now heads a policy group called Opportunity Nation, says bluntly that Republicans “will feel a need to talk about
JIM HIGHTOWER a lack of mobility — a lack of access to the American Dream.” Many recent studies confirm that our country has developed a class “stickiness” that is alarmingly dangerous to our social unity. A Pew research report finds that about 62 percent of Americans born on the top rungs of the economic ladder stay there as adults, and 65 percent born on the bottom rungs remain stuck there for life. In a ranking of nine affluent countries, Canada was tops in upward mobility and the U.S. was last. America won’t offer a true opportunity for upward mobility unless we restore a unity of purpose among all of our people — and we can’t achieve that as long as top corporate and governmental leaders deliberately widen the chasm separating the rich from the rest of us. “They sell us the President the same way / They sell us our clothes and our cars / They sell us everything from youth to religion / The same time they sell us our wars.” – Jackson Browne, “Lives In The Balance” “Remember always that all us, and you and I especially, are descended from immigrants and revolutionaries.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt
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February 2012
The Prez Obama summoned all his courage... and appointed Cordray to fight for consumers vs banks.
But he let his dark side go wild too. Now he’s working to make himself look good...
as he prepares for campaign mode again... where the outcome is anything but certain.
February 2012
HUMOR TIMES
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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
“We Report, You Decry!” A Letter from Mitt Romney “About My Finances” SOUTH CAROLINA – GOP candidate Mitt Romney released the following letter: Dear American People: Over the past several days, my per sonal finances have been distorted into a gro tesque car i ca ture by the mainstream me dia, pun dits, and other people who can count. I am writing to you to Mitt Romney set the record straight by explaining my finances in terms the American people can relate to. Let’s say you bought a bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1982 for $5,000. A couple of years later, what do you know, you sell that same bottle for $10,000. So you just profited $5,000 through your own hard work. How much of that should you pay to the government? I’d say fifteen percent. Now let’s say you have a fellow mowing the lawn at your 7,000 square foot home in La Jolla, and he turns out to be an illegal. You say, “No way, Jose” (Jose is actually his real name) and send him packing. He doesn’t deserve his full paycheck, since he lied to you in Spanish, but it wouldn’t be fair to give him nothing, either. So you pay him fifteen percent. Now let’s pretend the United States of America is like one big restaurant. Not a fancy restaurant, mind you, but one that only gets two Michelin stars. And let’s say that you order a meal of Beluga caviar, white truffles and gold shavings, washing it down with your favorite beverage, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1982. The bill arrives and it’s quite a hefty one for a working stiff who only made $375,000 last year in speaking fees. (That’s right: minimum wage.) So when it comes to toting up the bill, how much should I tip the waiter, who in case you’re having trouble following this metaphor is the IRS? You got it: fifteen percent. I think I’ve now shown, using these real-life examples that everyone can relate to, that no one should ever pay more than fifteen percent on their taxes. If you have been paying more than that, you should get rid of your loser accountant pronto. That’s another thing I have in common with regular Americans: we like firing people. So – now that I’ve laid it out in simple terms that even you can understand, do you agree that you and Mitt Romney have a whale of a lot more in common than you thought? I’ll bet you ten grand you do. Au revoir, Mitt – Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com
Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Conspiracy Theorists Believe Actual Republican Candidates Tied Up Somewhere Obama a prime suspect
is an elaborate hoax.” Con spir acy the o rists DES MOINES – A grow ing like Mr. Klugian leave litnumber of conspiracy theorists betle doubt who might be lieve that the Republican candidates be hind the con spir acy: who keep showing up for televised Barack Obama. debates are impostors and that the “If you could ensure actual GOP candidates are tied up in that you’d be run ning a warehouse somewhere. against Newt Gingrich or “There’s no way that these peoGOP candidates: Fakers? Mitt Romney, wouldn’t ple are the actual candidates,” said you?” he said. “When the truth about this conspirTracy Klugian, a leading conspiracy theorist who subscribes to the warehouse theory. “We need to acy comes out, it’s going to make what happened stand up and demand the return of the real ones.” with the aliens at Roswell look like a game of Mr. Klugian, who started the website duck-duck-goose.” Meanwhile, Mr. Klugian said he remains “bafWhereAreTheRealOnes.com, said he started susfled” by people who insist on believing that the pecting “something was up” months ago when the “supposed Republican candidates started debat- people who debated last night are the actual Reing,” but last night’s debate left little doubt in his publican candidates. “There’s no way you can believe that if you acmind that the actual Republican candidates have tually watched the debate,” he said. “It was like a been detained elsewhere. “When the most sensible person on stage is sitcom with no main characters, just wacky neighRon Paul, you know that what you’re witnessing bors.” – Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com
Obama: New Bill Will Protect Freedoms by Restricting Them ‘NDAA will help us put away freedom haters forever’ says prez A Humor Times Special Report break with our most important traditions and valPresident Obama defended his signing of the ues as a nation. Like letting the cops do the dirty National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) work of planting evidence and sending prisoners against criticism from dissenters – to private prisons, thus spurring job “who had better watch what they growth in the prison industrial secsay” – in a speech from the Rose tor. After all, jobs remain our top Garden today. priority.” “As everyone knows, freedom “And I reject the argument that is not free,” Obama said, “and to this bill is somehow unconstitupay for it, we may regrettably have tional or unpatriotic. As you can to sacrifice the freedom of an unplainly see, I signed the bill in front lucky few. But only if we decide of not one, not two, but four flags!” Patriotic signing. they are terrorists, or terrorist-lovHe told the assembled press that ers. Or terrorist helpers. Or anyone although it will never be used, the who’s ever bumped into one by mistake. That evil power to detain Americans indefinitely was neccan rub off, you know.” essary in the age of terrorists. Obama has made it clear the benefits outweigh “And I’m sure no presidents after me would dethe risks in this legislation. tain citizens indefinitely. Never ever. So why do “Sure, we might make a few mistakes, but isn’t we need the provision, if it’ll never be used, you your free dom worth it?” the pres ident said. ask? Don’t ask, don’t tell. Because, if you do, you “Think before you answer that,” he added. might be the first.” He took pains to reassure the public that citi“It’s a scary world we live in these days,” zens had nothing to fear. Obama said, “and we don’t want terrorists de“My administration will not authorize the in- stroying our freedoms. The only way to prevent definite military detention without trial of Ameri- them from doing so is to clamp down on freedom can citizens,” read a signing statement attached to now, before they can get to it. You can thank me the bill. “Indeed, I believe that doing so would by re-electing me. God bless America.”
Ringling Brothers Sues Political Parties Over Rights to “Biggest Circus On Earth” Claims both parties’ clowns are just grotesque caricatures Ringling Brothers Circus is suing both the Republican and Democratic parties for infringements on their “Biggest Circus In The World” trademark, upset that the two parties are now cutting into their business. “Our clowns are pro fes sionals,” stated Ringling Manager Chuck D. Cheese, a midget with the circus. “We get laughs because we intend to. We don’t wear no three piece suits trying to look ‘normal,’ whatever that is.” “It’s disgusting.” said Janice Brabreaker, the Amazon strong-woman as she adjusted her leather armor to the curves of her ample, voluptuously curved figure. “I put on a quality act wrestling boa constrictors and throwing cannon balls through stone walls, things that take real nerve and talent, and that nutcase Bachmann
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goes on stage, spouts some half hearted nonsense and gets big-buck endorsements from all the lard-butted businessmen who really just want to get in her pants. It’s unfair!” “They are cutting into our territory,” stated Ernest Noseputty, chief clown. “We all work for years in clown school to perfect our craft, spending hours cramming into small cars, teaching our dogs to ride skateboards, and we get sidelined by these tie-wear ing, patent-black-leather-shoe-toting, boring conformists, standing totally still on stage ranting nonsensical gibberish, and they get all the air time in the world. They never have to endanger themselves with a prat fall or get shot out of a cannon. No! The worse thing they ever sprain is their jaw from so much blabbering.”
“Why is it that America now looks to Jo e Bi den, Rick Perry, Mitt Romney a nd t hese o t h e r wanna-be No, Newt rides a different elephant. c lowns f or their comic relief? WE’RE the ones out here putting on a professional show!” “We’re considering wearing suits and talking more se ri ously to com pete,” Noseputty continued. “It appears to be the only way we can compete with these guys. It is so humiliating!” Reported by Roger Freed, Humor Times senior Circus Correspondent
HUMOR TIMES
Internet Blackout Forces Millions to Interact Awkward silences, unwanted eye contact cause widespread panic WASHINGTON – The blackout of thousands of Internet sites in protest of the proposed SOPA and PIPA legislation forced millions of people across the country to interact with each other recently. Reports of interpersonal interactions created panic from coast to coast as Americans braced themselves for the horror of awkward silences and unwanted eye contact. And even as officials warned people to remain calm, millions affected by the blackout feared the worst: conversations with members of their immediate family. Davis Logsdon, a psychology professor at the University of Minnesota who lectures extensively on the effect of sudden Internet blackouts on mental health, offered these words of advice for those who may be forced into direct contact with other human beings: “Be prepared. Write down possible topics to talk about in advance. Sports is a good one, and of course the weather. Remember, a conversation is basically a series of Facebook updates strung together.” He also offered these words of hope for those trapped interacting with other people due to the Internet black out: “At some point, those websites will go back on, and hopefully you won’t have to go through anything like this again for a long, long time.” – Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com
Bill Belichick Admits to Hiding Video Cameras In Tim Tebow’s Church DENVER, CO – An NFL investigation has led to New England Patriot’s head coach Bill Belichick admitting to using secret video cameras to tape in side Tim Tebow’s church. Belichick has apologized for hiding the cameras, and has promised that this is the very last time he will en gage in unsportsmanlike, bor derline illegal activity. Belichick had his assisLooking guilty. tants place several cameras in locations around the church in hopes of learning as much as possible about Tebow’s secrets to leading the Denver Broncos to victory. It is not known how much information was gathered, although Belichick could be seen on one knee with his hand to his forehead before his press conference, possibly attempting a ‘Tebowing.’ “Though I am terribly sorry to have been caught, I would like everyone to understand that I do everything for my team,” said Belichick. “I had hoped to learn what I could to help us beat Mr. Tebow and his Broncos. But nothing we learned actually helped us win. Honest.” Tim Tebow is now looking to put the incident behind him. “I have an amazing capacity to forgive,” said Tim. “Some, in fact have called it Christlike. If, someday, I were to do something wrong, I would hope that whoever I harmed would forgive me. I just hope that Coach Belichick learned something. Next time, he can just come in the front door and worship with us, like a normal person.” Reported by DerfMagazine.com
February 2012
Super Bad These days, shadowy “Super PACs” run most election ads... yet by law, they may not coordinate with the candidates.
But they’re not fooling anybody. If money equals speech, as the Supreme Court says...
the rich will drown out the conversation. Of course, Republicans are finding out it works both ways.
February 2012
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Pipe Dream Boehner was high on the pipeline from Canada...
but Obama nixed it for now.
Enviros say it would hasten climate change... but many say it just ain’t so.
Eventually, things must change... which, of course, will bring its own challenges.
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HUMOR TIMES
February 2012
Battle Fatigue We must learn our lessons from history...
and perhaps this time we will.
Many soldiers remain behind, and are pissed. There are efforts afoot to trim the military budget...
to make it more efficient. But some want to launch yet another war.
February 2012
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Bipartisan
Cold Comfort Tea
It’s a new year...
The Tea Party is being very Scrooge-like...
and even the Republicans are beginning to tire of them... as Congress picks up where it left off...
although they are just trying to help. while the campaign kicks into high gear.
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February 2012
Argus Sez President Obama wrote Iran’s leader a letter proposing direct talks on the Straits of Hormuz. He’s willing to be photographed meeting with Iran’s leader. Obama’s decided he can beat Romney so easily he’s going to lose New York and California to make it sporting. President Obama disclosed he’ll give his Democratic convention acceptance speech this fall at Bank of America Stadium in Charlotte. It seats seventy-four thousand people. The stadium is already sold out, but Obama persuaded the job fair to give him half an hour. Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife Marianne gave a two-hour interview to ABC News airing out the dirty laundry in their marriage. This could actually help him. America once had a president who cut taxes and cheated on his wife, and it will forever be known as Camelot. The Costa Concordia’s Italian ship captain was arrested in Italy. He crashed his ship and left on a lifeboat with passengers aboard the sinking liner. The incident didn’t help Italy convince their bondholders that the country will always be there for them. Pittsburgh medical researchers discovered that a person’s adult stem cells could possibly be used to make them grow younger. Many doctors have been tinkering with it. Ron Paul has used it on his supporters for years and now they all look
ARGUS HAMILTON twenty-five. The GOP candidates held another presidential debate in South Carolina on CNN. They all vowed ahead of time that it would get rough. They had to hold the debate in a parking lot because the dump trucks full of dirt couldn’t get through the door of the studio. Occupy Wall Street protesters threw a smoke bomb over the White House fence and onto the South Lawn while protesting in Washington. There were no arrests. As long as you want to bring down capitalism the White House attitude is, boys will be boys. ABC News found Mitt Romney pays fifteen percent tax on his investment income. He is doing the best he can. He only makes fifteen million a year, he can’t afford to support the Mormon Church, all his children, all of his father’s wives and the Federal Treasury, too. Romn ey fended off charges by Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum. The poll numbers barely moved. Day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year, Mitt Romney stays at twenty-five percent like it’s a rent-controlled apartment.
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Miscellaneous Mischief
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February 2012
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Thanks for Flying Tightwad Airlines!
Parting Shots A major figure passed...
Tight wad ap pre ci ates your help in keeping us from bankruptcy by paying extra to sit in an aisle seat or to actually travel with luggage. ROZ WARREN While waiting to board your flight today, please study this menu of choices we’ve added to fine-tune your flying experience. Select from the following options and return your completed form to the gate agent. The resulting fees will be charged to your credit card. SEATING OPTIONS For a seat that isn’t near a howling baby. $10 For a seat that isn’t beside a morbidly obese fellow passenger. $20 For a seat that isn‘t next to a woman going through a horrible divorce who needs a shoulder to cry on. $50 For a seat that isn’t crawling with bed bugs. $100 FOOD SERVICE We will be serving thin gruel and recycled water during today’s eight hour flight. For an upgrade to a carcinogenic lunch meat wrap. $5 For an upgrade to a lukewarm vegan pizza. $10 For permission to cook and eat a fellow passenger. $35
who was always proud of being the king of the hill...
USE OF RESTROOMS We’ve installed pay toilets on our planes. You may visit the bathroom for $2.00. Other bathroom options: For permission to smoke a cigarette in the bathroom. $10 For permission to smoke a joint in the bathroom. $20 For permission to have sex in the bathroom. $100 For permission to have sex in the bathroom with a flight attendant. $200. For permission to have sex in the bathroom with the pilot. $300 YOUR PILOT TODAY Your pilot today will be Jeff, a twenty-two year old recovering alcoholic and sex-addicted recent graduate of Fly By Night Pilot School in lovely Tijuana, Mexico. To upgrade to a pilot who has had only one drink within the last two hours. $20 To upgrade to a pilot who has had only one heart attack within the last two hours. $50 To upgrade to a pilot who has never crashed a plane. $20 To upgrade to Captain Sully Sullenberger. $200,000. When we’ve collated this information and assigned your new seats, we’ll board the plane. Please be advised that anyone who complains about this new fee menu will be assessed a $10 “Please Close Your Pie Hole And Sit Down” Fee. And thanks again for flying Tightwad! Roz Warren's stories, humor, and essays have been published in the Utne Reader, Seventeen Magazine, The Funny Times, The Christian Science Monitor and Beatniks from Space. Roz is an attorney who left the practice of law to work in a suburban library. She is currently working on a comic novel about working in a suburban library. Her blog is at rosalindwarren.com.
and he left junior in charge.
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