Humor Times, March 2012

“This really is the selling of America. We’ve been sold out by five justices, thanks to the Citizens United decision.” – Howard Dean Issue #243

March 2012

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2012: Novice, Family & Groups

Ah, there’s never any shortage of fodder for a political humor magazine!

From the rantings of an unintentionally hilarious comic cast of characters running for the Republican presidential nomination, to an award show season ripe with satirical possibilities (see Will Durst’s column on page 6), to a dysfunctional electoral system top-heavy with billionaire money, to a president who can’t make up his mind if he’s against such a system or all in, there is almost too much material.

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March, 2012

HUMOR TIMES

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The Prez Some say Obama started his re-election campaign...

with the State of the Union speech.

He said America is doing great... despite its money problems.

He has a plan, he said... and the opposition party is here to help. (continued)

4

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2012

Obama had a big choice to make...

SOAPBOX! with

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The 2012 Political Animal Awards Don’t mean to overreact and risk boosting everybody’s blood pressure higher than opening offers on Facebook’s IPO, but this might be a halfway decent time to seek out a nice, safe steel bunker to hunker down in or behind, because it’s awards season and heavy metal statuettes are being tossed around like dimes at a county fair. Like the flurry of resumes from the outer office of Michele Bachmann’s inner circle. As plentiful as the doubts currently circling Mitt Romney’s Super PAC. We’ve already been treated to the golden-plated spectacle of the Grammys, BAFTAs, Golden Globes, Peo ple’s Choice Awards, Machine Tool Diamond Awards, Screen Actor Guild Awards and what with the Emmys, Oscars and CMAs right around the corner, this might be the perfect opportunity to weigh in with the most consequential of them all: the 2012 Political Animal Awards. Note: No tuxes have been bruised in the creation of these awards.

BEST COSTUME: Rick Santorum for that winning period look — subtly harkening back to a young Mr. Rogers with rabies.

BAD TIMING AWARD: Tim Pawlenty, for deserting the presidential line-up before getting his own shot at leading the pack.

Runner-up: Mitch Daniels.

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT AWARD: Herman Cain, for continuing to blame the media for finding his fan full of feces.

THE DUMBER THAN HE ALREADY LOOKS AWARD: In an extremely competitive field, Rick Perry.

THE NOT AS DUMB AS HIS HAIR LOOKS AWARD: For

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the sixth consecutive year, Donald Trump.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: In a thankless role, Callista Gingrich.

THE WE CAN’T FIND A MUZZLE BIG ENOUGH AWARD: Joe Biden. May have to retire this award in his name.

THE WHY WON’T ANYONE RETURN MY CALLS AWARD, DEMOCRATIC DIVISION: John Edwards. John Kerry. Anthony Weiner.

THE WHY WON’T ANYONE RETURN MY CALLS AWARD, REPUBLICAN DIVISION: Dick Cheney. Pat Robertson. Glenn Beck.

BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS: Industrial Light & Magic for making Mitt Romney appear so lifelike.

BEST MAKE UP: Newt Gingrich for his very convincing Walking Dead grimace.

BEST CHOREOGRAPHY: Grover Norquist.

THE “OH MY GOD, NOT YOU AGAIN” AWARD: Whoever decided contraception made a good election-year wedge issue.

BEST BOY: Marcus Bachmann.

THE OTHER MORMON MEAT AWARD: Jon Huntsman.

BEST NEWCOMER: Paul Ryan for his highly controversial script, “Roadmap for America’s Future.”

THE LUCKY IT WASN’T BITTEN OFF AWARD: Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer.

MENSA’S SMARTEST MOVE OF THE YEAR: In a huge upset, Sarah Palin picks this one up for refusing to accept another

HUMOR TIMES

WILL DURST

supporting role.

THE HOW CAN WE MISS YOU IF YOU WON’T GO AWAY AWARD: Ron Paul.

BEST ENSEMBLE IN A MUSICAL OR COMEDY: The entire Republican Party Presidential Nomination cast.

BEST ACTOR: Body of work award goes to Speaker of the House John Boehner for various portrayals as outraged defender of fiscal responsibility, obstinate party stalwart and sophisticated gentleman to whom gracious cooperation is of the highest priority – and doing it all while orange.

BEST DIRECTION: The Koch Brothers.

MISDIRECTION AWARD: Newt Gingrich for his moon-base proposal. Always knew his full ambitions could never be contained by Planet Earth.

COMEBACK OF THE YEAR AWARD: The U.S. economy.

THE BETTER TO BE LUCKY THAN GOOD AWARD: Barack Obama.

Tone-Deaf Tin-Eared Borg There’s something about Mitt. And whatever it is, a few folks are definitely allergic. Maybe they sense he has the same connection to humanity that a drive shaft has to bouillabaisse. Could be he’s worth more than most small Balkan nations. Might be the Mormon thing, or perhaps he just smells odd.

It’s almost funny. After crushing Newt Gingrich in Florida, the nomination for the Republican primary race was written off as a done deal with Romney all but handed the crown and the beaucoup bouquets reserved for winners. And by his post-election strut, you could tell the candidate thought along similar lines.

Not measuring the drapes or anything, but definitely photo shopping names for inclusion on the bottom line of a bumper sticker.

But the express train to the Tampa printers derailed on the winter plains of the Midwestern states of Colorado, Minnesota and Missouri with Rick Santorum somehow swooping down to sweep all three. Having had to slap up a different wannabee front-runner every week, Romney must feel like he’s playing Whack-a-Mole with a mallet made out of yogurt-soaked cat hair clippings.

Whatever that something about Mitt is, it causes conservatives to contract the dreaded “Itchy I-Don’t-Knows,” every time they get close to walking down the aisle with the former governor from Massachusetts. It’s a rash that erupts only when Willard’s name tops the national polls. A serious knee-buckling case of buyer’s remorse. Of course, the clueless plastic smile of an aged Ken doll hasn’t acted as a sufficient antidote either.

The tone-deaf man with the tin ear grinningly claimed he was not concerned about “the very poor.” As Randy Jackson might say, “A bit pitchy, dawg.” The problem is, most normal humans suspect Romney’s definition of “very poor” consists of anybody without a pastry chef permanently on call. The very next day, apparently concerned that his post-elitist message wasn’t being taken seriously, he hugged Donald Trump. Which would be terrific if he were running for Poster Child of the 1%.

Someone on his staff has to tell the guy he already resembles a police sketch artist rendering of a white-collar criminal. The MBA voted Most Likely to be Perp-Walked up a Courthouse Steps with a Trench Coat Draped over his Handcuffs. Looks more like Gordon Gekko than Michael Douglas does. Go on Mitt. Say it. “Greed is good.” Feel better now?

The only people who can relate to this guy are country club chaps with a penchant for calling their wives “Lovey.” He wasn’t groomed, he was assembled out of an Ikea box. “One White Male Politician; Standard.”

Romney won Florida by airing 12,000 ads compared to Gingrich’s 300, and doing the same to Rick Santorum should be easier than pudding on a stick, since the former Pennsylvania senator is financing his campaign mostly through bake sales and scrounging under couch cushions.

Santorum actually brags about running such a low-key campaign he flies middle seats on United. We’re supposed to entrust the presidency to a guy who can’t snag a decent travel agent?

Something else about Mitt is he’s an absolute blooming chameleon. And over the next couple of weeks, expect to be treated to the Borg Candidate assimilating Santorum’s passion for fighting the culture wars with the megaphone turned up to LOUD. Who knows, Mitt could well decide to go all-in. And start wearing sweater vests.

March, 2012

It Came From On High It’s halftime in America...

and Super PACs are stomping democracy.

Even politicians who preach against them...

feel that if you can’t beat ’em, you gotta join ’em.

Ever since the “Citizens United” decision... democracy has been getting a poisonous “treatment.”

March, 2012

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Big Money Horse Race Even though one debate was cancelled... the Republican primaries are wide open...

for those with a ticket to ride.

Santorum mounted a surprising surge...

but it is widely believed... it’ll come down to two contestants. (continued)

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HUMOR TIMES

March, 2012

There’s the rich guy who loves to pretend he’s a regular joe... and the dude with a more colorful history.

Newt has some rabid supporters... big dreams...

an end-game strategy... and faith in America’s short-term memory. (continued)

March, 2012

HUMOR TIMES

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What They’re Saying The nation is still recovering from a crushing recession that sent unemployment hovering above nine percent for two straight years. The president, mindful of soaring deficits, is pushing bold action to shore up the nation’s balance sheet. Cloaking himself in the language of class warfare, he calls on a hostile Congress to end wasteful tax breaks for the rich.

“We’re going to close the unproductive tax loopholes that allow some of the truly wealthy to avoid paying their fair share,” he thunders to a crowd in Georgia. Such tax loopholes, he adds, “sometimes made it possible for millionaires to pay nothing, while a bus driver was paying 10% of his salary – and that’s crazy.”

Preacherlike, the president draws the crowd into a call-and-response. “Do you think the millionaire ought to pay more in taxes than the bus driver,” he demands, “or less?”

The crowd, sounding every bit like the protesters from Occupy Wall Street, roars back: “MORE!” The year was 1985. The president was Ronald Wilson Reagan.

– Tim Dickinson, RollingStone.com, 11/9/11 The super PACs on both sides of the aisle are financed by the 1% of the 1%. Romney’s Restore Our Future Super PAC, founded by the general counsel of his 2008 campaign, has led the herd, raising $30 million, 98% from donors who gave $25,000 or more. Ten million dollars came from just 10 donors who gave $1 million each. These included three hedge-fund managers and Houston Republican Bob Perry, the main funder behind the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth in 2004, whose scurrilous ads did such an effective job of destroying John Kerry’s electoral prospects. Sixty-five percent of the funds that poured into Romney’s super PAC in the second half of 2011 came from the finance, insurance and real es tate sec tor, otherwise known as the people who brought you the economic meltdown of 2007-2008...

In his book Oligarchy, political scientist Jeffrey Winters refers to the disproportionately wealthy and influential actors in the political system as the “Income Defense Industry.” If you want to know how the moneyed class, who prospered during the Bush and Clinton years, found a way to kill or water down nearly everything it objected to in the Obama years, look no further than the grip of the 1% of the 1% on our political system.

This simple fact explains why hedge-fund managers pay a lower tax rate than their secretaries, or why the U.S. is the only industrialized na tion with out a sin gle-payer uni ver sal healthcare system, or why the planet continues to warm at an unprecedented pace while we do nothing to combat global warming. Money usually buys elections and, whoever is elected, it almost always buys influence...

In a recent segment of his show, Stephen Colbert noted that half of the money ($67 million) raised by super PACs in 2011 had come from just 22 people. “That’s 7 one-millionths of 1 percent," or roughly .0000063%, Colbert said while spraying a fire extinguisher on his fuming calculator. “So Occupy Wall Street, you’re going to want to change those signs.”

– Ari Berman, TomDispatch.com, 12/16/12 “Senior ranking U.S. military leaders have so distorted the truth when communicating with the U.S. Congress and American people in regards to conditions on the ground in Afghanistan that the truth has become unrecognizable.

This deception has damaged America’s credibility among both our allies and enemies, severely limiting our ability to reach a political solution to the war in Afghanistan...

“If the public had access to these classified reports they would see the dramatic gulf between what is often said in public by our senior leaders and what is actually true... It would be illegal for me to discuss, use, or cite classified material in an open venue and thus I will not do so; I am no WikiLeaks guy Part II.” – Lt. Colonel Daniel Davis, a 17-year Army veteran recently returned from a second tour in Afghanistan.

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The Hightower Lowdown It’s Official: Money Now Governs America The rich are different from you and me, but the really, really, really rich are also different from the merely rich.

For example, the rich can buy caviar and Champagne, but the Triple-R Rich can buy entire presidential campaigns.

Take Shel don Adelson, the mon ey bags who’s pumped $11 million so far into Newt Gingrich’s right-wing run. He has single-handedly kept Gingrich’s White House ambitions alive. Without this one guy’s money, The Newt would’ve been long gone. Thanks a lot, Sheldon.

But Adelson can easily afford to roll the dice on a far-out candidate. This global casino baron hauled in $3.3 million in pay last year. Not for a year – that’s what his hourly take was. In other words, his $11-million bet on Newt, which altered the Republican presidential race, was nothing – less than three-and-a-half hours of one of Sheldon’s workdays.

Even Rick Santorum, who’s so far to the right that his left brain has entirely atrophied from lack of use, is actually in the running for the GOP nomination. He insists that people are flocking to him because of the power of his ideas. Sure, Rick – and the power of Foster Friess’ money.

This little-known Wall Street multimillionaire has long been a partner in the Koch brothers’ plutocratic cabal and a steady funder of right-wing Christian politics. Friess modestly

claims that God is “the chairman of my board.”

I doubt that, but Friess definitely is Santorum’s guardian angel, having kept his campaign of wackiness afloat with untold infusions of cash.

When Friess was told that Santorum’s recent caucus wins would prompt Mitt Romney’s Triple-R Richies to counterattack, he was thrilled.

I think that “is so exciting,” he warbled.

So there you have it – American politics has developed into a game for the fun and profit of a few superrich narcissists. And, that’s why Barack Obama was right on target two years ago when he denounced the Supreme Court for allowing unlimited corporate cash to flood into our elections, calling it a “threat to democracy.”

But, where did that guy go? Now that gushers of that money are pouring into this year’s Republican presidential campaigns through super PACs, he has pivoted adroitly from condemning such corrupt funds ... to creating one of his own. Savvy, or cynical?

I call it sad. Not because Obama wouldn’t stand on principle, but because his switch affirms that special interest money now governs us, too powerful for even the sitting president to resist. These super PACs, all of which are creatures of a handful of rich Americans, were already the biggest power in the Republican presidential contest. Front-runner Mitt Romney’s last name is even an anagram that spells M-O-N-E-Y, and a $30 million super PAC financed chiefly by Wall Streeters is what has powered him to the front. They want to buy a

JIM HIGHTOWER president who’ll undo Obama’s financial reform law that restrains some of their greed.

That’s what our “democracy” has become. Sad. Rather than taking the high road and rallying a public that’s thoroughly disgusted by this, Obama now joins Romn ey, et al. on the money-slicked low road. His super PAC, named Priorities USA, is as corrupt as the Republicans’. All of them perpetuate the ludicrous legalistic fraud that the secretive funds operate independently of the candidates. Come on – hand puppets act with more independence than super PACs! While Obama piously says he won’t work directly with the PAC, he has directed Cabinet officials and White House aides to rustle up big donors to fund it.

What we’re getting this year is not a presidential election, it’s an auction! And it’ll keep getting worse until we – the people – repeal the Supreme Court’s money rule. To help, go to www.united4thepeople.org.

“The American Revolution was in fact provoked by the misbehavior of a British corporation; our nation was founded in an anti-corporate-power fury.”

– Thom Hartmann

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March, 2012

Big Money Horse Race (conclusion) Meanwhile, Mitt, who has had a rough ride... is very persistent...

and can really relate.

One of them will run against Obama...

assuming there are no big surprises.

But the party is just hoping to avoid the worst case scenario.

March, 2012

HUMOR TIMES

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“We Report, You Decry!”

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Obama Uses Facts, Risks America, Post-Football, Turns to A Clarification for Violent Entertainment Alienating Republicans from Mitt Romney Campaign Radical tactic sparks outrage Doctors warn of concussion risk by repeated viewing of head-bashing campaign ads Letter: ‘About Poor People’

LA JOLLA, CA – Republican presidential can di date Mitt Romn ey to day released the following letter: Dear Amer i can People: Comments I’ve made about poor people made me look Mitt Romney terrible. This always seems to happen when I say what I really believe.

The fact is, I do care about poor people.

That’s because I’m poor myself, when you compare me to Mark Zuckerberg.

According to most projections, Facebook’s IPO should net Mr. Zuckerberg a personal fortune of $28 billion. I couldn’t make a pile of dough-re-mi like that even if I fired people twenty-four hours a day.

Now, let’s take a look at Mitt Romney’s net worth: a measly $200 million. Now do you see why I consider myself poor? Compared to Mark Zuckerberg, Mitt Romney is practically a crack whore.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and envy a rich person like Mark Zuckerberg. That’s exactly what President Obama wants poor people like me to do. Mark Zuckerberg made his money fair and square, by creating useful products like imaginary sheep and angry birds.

Say what you will about Facebook, it has totally revolutionized the way we waste our lives.

The fact is, if you’re poor in America, you should do what Zuckerberg did: create a social network. I’ve just started my own, called TwoFaceBook. With TwoFaceBook, your profile doesn’t stay the same for more than two seconds.

In closing, there’s one more reason I don’t worry about poor people. They have Groupons.

Vote for me, Mitt Romney R e p o r t e d b y A n d y B o r o w i t z, borowitzreport.com

There’s no more football, not for an excruciat- scoring big in South Carolina. “Tiny” Newt, as the ing six months. For a society that loves violent team’s leader is known, is not big on restraint. Afsports as much as ours, what will football fans turn ter the score, he bragged that his team was looking to? Bas ket ball? Please! like a shoo-in, and that he They don’t even wear pads. was already looking ahead Hockey? Maybe that’ll pacto being invited to a showify Canadians. case game on the moon next No, American sports year. fans need some thing as But the Romneys have hard-hit ting and mindset tled into a grind ing, numbing as football to help bore-’em ’til they drop bridge the gap. Luckily this Mitt, ready for action. Gingrich: “Let’s roll.” strat egy. They could be year, they have the presidential campaign. headed to the Super Bowl against a formidable And the playoffs are on. It’s been a grueling Obama team. The Wash ing ton Obamas are schedule, and now it’s pretty much down to two thought to be vulnerable, however, to this season’s teams: The New England Romneys vs the Atlanta big Super PAC influence.

Gingrich. Of course, this game lasts a lot longer Still, the Republican championship has yet to than one afternoon, and that’s the beauty of it. No be settled. With the unlimited power of that Super need to face withdrawals for a long time.

PAC juice, anything could still happen.

The game has already started, but it’s not even The Romneys hit the Gingrich hard with blows halftime yet, despite what Clint Eastwood says. to the fidelity bone – a sore spot for them – which Both teams have made some big gains, and it’s helped Mitt score several times. But the Gingrich been bone-crushing, as advertised. can hit back hard with the “Mormon Post,” or they In fact, this year, thanks to the Super PAC ste- could run the well-worn, but ever-trusty roids being allowed by the Supreme Court, the “Flip-Flop Reverse,” and one crushing blow could teams are bigger than ever in history, and they are put QB Mitt down for good. delivering head-rocking blows that are hard to “We’re not done yet,” said Newt. “We’ll be watch. Perfect for fans who are missing football. leaving all our Super PAC energy out on the field, The Romneys started fast, but it looked like the ‘cuz everyone knows, you can’t take it home with Gingrich was poised to mount an upset early on, you.”

New Study Suggests Biden Actually Exists

WASHINGTON – According to evidence not Palin said her motives were exemplary: “I doyet released, scientists say they have managed to nated the money for this project because I thought prove conclusively that Biden does, in fact, exist.

Americans deserved to learn the truth about our “It’s been difficult, certainly,” said Bristol Vice President, whatever that truth was. If, along Palin, main financial backer of the organization the way, the scientists might have used their redo ing the re search, Hidin’ sources to figure out if Barack Biden. “We nearly gave up after Obama is a gay Communist we lost sight of him for six Muslim, I was confident in their months straight. We’re still unskill and ready to take the risk. certain as to whether or not he’s While the group now bespent any time in or near the lieves whole heart edly that Capital, but we are absolutely Biden is real, the Amer i can positive that Joe Biden is as real populace requires more conas Obama’s birth certificate.” vincing.

Biden rumored to avoid daylight.

The researchers faced many According to recent polls, a roadblocks along the way, from insufficient funds, mere 12% of Americans believe in his existence, a condemnation by a furious Barack Obama, to a while 35% think he is a hologram, and 53% claim complete dearth of eyewitnesses. he is a Democratic conspiracy.

“The scientists tried to follow classic research At the time of this article, it was not yet detertechniques, such as penning letters and placing mined whether Biden would be chosen by Obama phone calls, but Biden never responded,” ex- for re-election. Sources confirm that the Loch plained Ms. Palin. “And the president was not Ness monster and the Tooth Fairy have thrown helpful, saying only that ‘I already have two kids their hats in the ring to replace him.

Photo of the day: Candidates relax on desert isle. and better things to do than babysit little Joe.’” – Delia Hersh, TheWashingtonFancy.com

Privileged 25-Year-Old Inspires Nation GREENWICH, CT – Millions of Americans had their hopes for the future rekindled when Christian Prescott Withersworth III fulfilled all expectations of obtaining a job, a hot wife, and piles of money.

In an exclusive interview, Withersworth explained how his difficult childhood could have broken him, but instead molded him into the pretentious WASP he is today.

“It was very hard growing up in Greenwich, Connecticut and vacationing on The Vineyard [Martha's],” Withersworth confessed. “I mean, having two beautiful, successful parents who adore each other – and me – is a lot of pressure.

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Not to mention the stress of deciding between Yale, Harvard and Princeton when I was six.”

Withersworth cites his personal weekly therapist as the most inspirational figure in his young adult hood, be sides his live-in nanny/personal trainer.

Despite the turmoil of his fairy-tale relationship with fiancee Buffy Keaton, senior class president and two-time Miss America winner, Withersworth claims their gin-fueled love remains strong. “I almost broke it off when she told me her second cousin once-removed dated a Puerto Rican, but then The New Yorker ran an article on interracial couples, so I knew it was in

vogue.”

Witherswort h’s story has encouraged many citizens to have hope in their fuWithersworth: American tures.

“I find Withersworth inspirational,” Jasmine Vals, a homeless, 18-year-old mother of two reported. “When he talks about deciding whether to be a lawyer or a doctor, or describes crashing his seventh BMW, it really puts my problems in perspective.”

– Delia Hersh, TheWashingtonFancy.com

HUMOR TIMES

WASHINGTON – In what some critics are calling the most radical tactic ever employed in a State of the Union Ad dress, Pres i dent Barack Obama risked alienating congressional Republicans by repeatedly using facts.

Mr. Obama stirred Facts undermine faith? controversy throughout the speech with his relentless references to facts, data and things that have actually happened, all long considered the third rail of American politics. As the President made reference to tax rates and unemployment numbers, as well as sixteen separate mentions of Osama bin Laden, congressional Republicans’ blood began to boil.

After the speech, a furious Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters, “The President chose to ignore tradition tonight. I won’t stand for it and the American people won’t stand for it.”

“We want to work with the President,” added House Speaker John Boehner. “But he’s going to have to take facts off the table. That’s a deal-breaker for us.”

The President at one point said that government should be “leaner,” a reference Republicans felt was a blatant jab at former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

– Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com

Gingrich Changes Facebook Status: ‘In Open Relationship’ CHARLESTON, SC – In a sign of renewed confidence, just minutes after former House Speaker Newt Gingrich romped to victory in the South Carolina pri mary he changed his Facebook status to “In an Open Relationship.”

Mr. Gingrich made no reference to his new Facebook status during his victory speech, in which he made an em o t i onal Callista keeping eye on Newt. ap peal to the American people: “I say to each and every one of you: Join me. Join me in my marriage.”

The former House Speaker used the speech to highlight the differences between himself and the current resident of the White House: “The American people have a choice: do they want a President who issues food stamps, or one who runs up a $500,000 tab at Tiffany?”

Mr. Gingrich drew cheers and a standing ovation as he concluded his remarks, saying, “In closing, I am staying at the Marriott, Rm. 205.

Ladies?”

In yet another boost, Mr. Gingrich received this nod from former rival Herman Cain: “I am not endorsing Newt Gingrich, but I am endorsing Newt Gingrich’s lifestyle.”

At the White House, President Obama made only a glancing reference to the results in South Carolina, telling reporters, “I haven’t been this happy since we smoked bin Laden.”

For his part, Mitt Romney minimized Mr. Gingrich’s 12% margin of victory: “That’s even less than I pay in taxes.”

– Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com

March, 2012

Controlling Birth Control Mitch and his gang love to protect women...

and say they’ve had enough of Obama’s bullying.

The prez says women need access regardless of faith... but the Church finds this heretical.

After all, Catholics are against birth control... and that’s that, say the clergy.

March, 2012

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Recovering from the Recovery Things are still looking bad for the economy...

but the gov’t settlement with the banks should help...

the banks.

The “job creators” are hard at work...

protecting themselves against “class warfare”... which is all the fault of the poor. (continued)

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HUMOR TIMES

March, 2012

Budget negotiations, as always, are chaotic...

and students are sinking in debt...

but there are bright spots.

There’s not much the little guy can do...

and waiting for the gig guys to help... doesn’t seem to be working.

March, 2012

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17

Backlash

Arab Winter

Komen turned its back on Planned Parenthood...

Iran continues to feign innocence...

but the breast cancer group faced a backlash...

Assad continues to slaughter the innocent...

and after examination, ended up looking pretty bad. and it’s winter for the Arab Spring.

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HUMOR TIMES

March, 2012

Argus Sez New York Knicks new star Jeremy Lin made the All-Star Team. His Asian ethnicity has worked for him and against him. NBA scouts saw Lin and assumed he couldn’t play N B A ba s ke t ba ll but he ca n wear a wide-brimmed hat after midnight and not get pulled over in Los Angeles.

The Las Vegas Sun said a man died of a heart attack at the Heart Attack Bar and Grill recently.

That’s the culture. If you see a fifty-year-old man in California riding a bicycle he is exercising but if you see a fifty-year-old man in Nevada riding a bicycle he’s got a DUI. New Orleans hosted one million revelers at Mardi Gras on Fat Tuesday. It’s a night made to set up forty days of penance. College boys will go home with a good story if they obey the most important rule in the French Quarter, never pick up a lady wearing a Super Bowl ring.

The Westminster Kennel Club dog show handed its Best-in-Show prize to a Pekingese.

Chinese breeds are highly prized. Last year a Tibetan mastiff sold in China for one million dollars, which sounds expensive but it came with an appetizer and a dessert.

President Obama had to sit on the runway at L.A. Air port and wait for an approach ing Cessna that crossed into the president’s take-off space recently. The plane was smuggling forty pounds of pot from Mexico. It’s the only type of flight with priority over Air Force One. George Washington’s Birthday was marked at Mount Vernon in February. He was loved for his brevity of expression. George Washington’s first State of the Union speech lasted only two minutes, because if you’re not going to tell a lie there’s very little left to say.

Italy agreed to EU demands by German

ARGUS HAMILTON bankers backing Italy bonds that the Vatican pay property taxes. It’s six hundred million dollars a year or vacate. The pope has little recourse except to excommunicate anyone who ever said a nice word about Martin Luther.

President Obama dined in San Francisco’s Chinatown where the Chinese lady who owns the restaurant was photographed squeezing Obama’s behind as she hugged him. It is worth the advertising. Now he’s got a dumpling named after him, Dem Sum Buns.

Rick Santorum sought Secret Service protection after Occupy Wall Street protesters heckled him in Tacoma. His humility is apparent to all.

Rick Santorum doesn’t want to come off as anything but what he is, a common ordinary simple savior of America’s destiny.

President Obama campaigned in Seattle where he gave an economic pep talk to the Pacific Northwest. He wants them to cheer up. The recession is supposed to have ended last year, and there’s no reason the state of Washington should have to continue to sell apples.

Al-Qaeda’s Umar Abdul-Muttallab got life for trying to blow up a Detroit-bound airliner three years ago. He hid a bomb in his underwear but he failed to detonate it on landing. Al-Qaeda leaders used Google Earth to see Detroit from a satellite and thought they’d succeeded.

Pat Buchanan was fired by MSNBC after ten years on the air. They’d only kept him around to help MSNBC hosts make conservatives look bad. They’re trying get Dan Quayle to join the network and fill that role, but so far he’s not stupid enough to fall for that.

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HUMOR TIMES

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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HUMOR TIMES

March, 2012

March, 2012

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21

Periodic Table of Schmucks

Parting Shots Information is power...

Bd – Brooding Dude: “You’re the only one who can truly understand me. Don’t enjoy the party!

Spend all evening trying to coax me out of my shell.”

ROZ WARREN

Ia – I Argue: “You don’t agree that a good, fierce no-holds-barred argument enhances any conversation? You’re wrong! Will you agree with me if I shout at you, call you a moron and pound on the table?”

Wch – World Class Hypochondriac: “Never mind your mom’s recently-diagnosed brain tumor. Look at this mole on my stomach. It’s so ugly, it’s got to be cancer! I’m doomed!”

Rd – Rude Driver: “Speed limits are for chumps. Courteous driving is for suckers. Leaning on the horn is my favorite form of communication. Get the hell out of my way, asshole!”

Twt – Texts While Talking: “Hold that thought! This incoming tweet is REALLY important.”

Foe – Full of Excuses: “I know I have a fine for returning The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People to the library two months late. But the dog peed on the carpet, the dry cleaners overcharged me for removing the stain and then the bank bounced my check! So I’m strapped for cash. Maybe I’ll pay it next time.”

and power corrupts...

Mb – Mama’s Boy: “The kids were driving you crazy today?

It’s funny how my mother had five boys and yet managed to run a business, keep a perfectly clean house, never raise her voice, always dress stylishly – and cook a delicious dinner for her family every night.”

Lb – Lying Bastard: “Sure, I was out all night and didn’t call. I had to get that business plan done and my cell phone battery was out. There’s a red lace bra hanging out of my briefcase? I bet those crazy guys from the tech department stuck it in there for a joke.”

Ti – Totally Incompetent: “I know it’s Halloween – but you never told me you needed the candy tonight.”

Hccd – Hates children, cats and dogs: “Take care of me. Everyone else can go to hell.”

Tj – Total Jerk: “Wow, when you wear that Steelers shirt if reminds me of my old girlfriend. She looked really hot in a football jersey.”

Atw – Allergic to Work: “I’m too busy conquering the 847th level of this video game to hunt for a job. And you make enough to support us both, honeybunch.”

Ckaj – Can’t keep a job: “I had to quit. The boss was an idiot. And you make enough to support us both, honeybunch.”

Hcb – Hyper-critical Bastard: “That dress makes your butt look fat. No, you didn’t ask me. But I thought you should know.”

Hdb – Hyper-demanding Bastard: “All I want is a beautiful woman who’ll dote on my every word, laugh at my jokes, excel at a glamorous career, give birth to my kids and take sole responsibility for raising them, rise at dawn to prepare my breakfast, pick up my dirty clothes without complaining and cook gourmet meals for 40 people at the drop of a hat. Is that so much to ask?”

absolutely.

Isf – Insane Sports Fan: “If you go into labor during the Super Bowl, you’re going to have to get to the hospital yourself. And we’re naming the baby Peyton. Even if it’s a girl.”

Sd – Stinky Dude: “Showering and shaving are for sissies. Women love my smell.

I’m a natural man.”

Ba – Brilliant Artist: “Don’t you realize my work is epic? It’s far too important for me to do the dishes, remember your birthday or actually listen to anything you have to say. Unless what you have to say is that my work is epic.”

Si – Selfish Idiot: “Sorry you had a bad day. I know what will make you feel better – give me a foot rub and then we’ll go out to my favorite restaurant!”

Mj – Macho Jerk: “Women are inferior. It’s scientifically proven. And God wants it that way too. Hey – where are you going?

Come back here and listen to me when I’m putting you down!”

Pc – Pres i den tial Can di dat e ( o r N “New t” ) : “ D oc t o r, you’re sure my wife has a life-threat en ing illness? That’s terrible!” “ H one y – I w ant a divorce.”

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HUMOR TIMES

March, 2012

Big Monkey Comic

March, 2012

By Jason Coe & Hugo Camacho

HUMOR TIMES

23

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