Humor Times, April 2012

Editor’s Rant Well, we’re all grown up now. The Humor Times is 21 years old! It’s been fun being silly and making fun of people, but now we’re going to have to get serious. NOT! Hey, we’re a political satire magazine – we can be silly ’till we grow old, like Jon Stewart!

(Sorry, Jon.) Now that we’ve come of age, if you feel like buying us a drink, let us know! We feel like partying.

Thanks so much to everyone who has made this long, strange trip possible: • Our beloved subscribers, who part with their hard-earned dollars just to invite us into their homes and businesses once a month. If you’re reading a sample copy you found, please consider subscribing. You won’t have to miss a single issue: it’ll arrive in your mailbox once a month. If you prefer a digital version, that is available for download once a month, at half the hard-copy price. Makes a wonderful gift! (See subscription form below.)

• Our advertisers, who have faith in us and our readers, that placing an ad will bring them added business.

A special thanks to our longest-tenured advertisers: W.E.T. River Trips, whose ad is usually just to the right of this letter, but for our anniversary issue, they went for a big color ad on the back cover. With all the recent rain, it promises to be another great year on the water. If you’ve been thinking about ways to add adventure to your life, don’t hesitate, go for it! W.E.T. is a wonderful company to go with – I know, I’ve done it! And man, was it a blast!!!

Also, we’d like to thank Vic’s Ice Cream, who is also on the back cover with a larger-than usual ad. If you haven’t tasted Vic’s, you haven’t tasted ice cream! Except for Burr’s Ice Cream, of course, who is also in this issue! Although, Burr’s does carry Vic’s homemade ice cream – it’s complicated. But it’s simple – you scream, I scream, we all scream for ice cream – at one of these particular locations!

California Stage is another long-time, regular supporter of the paper. They put on some really great plays, on several stages, over at their R25 Arts Complex. Look for the new R25Arts.com website, launching soon. (They hired our Humor Times web team to create the site for them. We are ready and available to build a site for you too – or maintain one – and/or do social media for your business. Give us a call!)

Please patronize these fine businesses. Without them, the Humor Times could not survive.

Speaking of survival, we all know it’s been tough lately for small businesses. If you like our magazine, please help us grow stronger by buying gift subscriptions. If all our subscribers did that, we’d double our subscription base, and be stronger than ever! Spread the fun! Thank you!

– James Israel, Publisher/editor The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 21, Issue 244, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3127 Broadway, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

Printed by: Herburger Publications, Inc., Galt, CA 95632.

Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217.

Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lester, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others.

Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2012. No part may be reproduced without permission.

This ain’t just your dad’s old Factory Car Stereo Repair and Vintage/Classic Car Radio Restoration store!

We also do: • Alarms • Back-up Cameras • DVD/navigation • iPod/Bluetooth Integration Drop on by to check out the shop & for a Free Estimate!

RaysAutoStereo.com • ldtheradiogeezer@gmail.com 1925 “F” Street, Sacramento, CA 95811 • 916-447-9753 • Fax 916-447-2725

Don’t Keep All the Laughs to Yourself – Give HUMOR TIMES Subscriptions!

$1 • SAVE A BUCK by entering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $1 ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!!

Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ If a gift, your name: ________________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $19.95 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $33.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $36.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $50.95 36 issues (3 years). . . . $53.95 12 issues/PDF download . . . . $9.95 Please Check if RENEWAL. Subscriber # (on label, starts w/‘S’): ___________ Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________ Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a

Or use your: p Discover

p Visa

p Mastercard

p American Express

Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________

The new book by comedian Richard Scott comes with a 7-day guarantee!

Buy the book, try it for 7 days, and if you don’t like it–you can go straight to Hell!

Find it online or tell your bookseller: “I’m an Idiot, You’re an Idiot!”

(3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)

Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________

ISBN 1-42084085-1

(Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-455-1217.)

April, 2012

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

3

Elephant in the Room Rush Limbaugh really likes throwing his weight around...

he’s the ultimate square, and proud of it.

Recent remarks have caused quite a stir...

but Rush apologized...

and said he’s cleaned up his act.

But more drastic measures may be needed.

4

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

April, 2012

Money Grubbers One Wall Street firm is the best...

at what they do...

and they’re feeling pretty smug about it.

AMFlood.com 888-333-1280

• Lowest Flood Insurance Rates • Free Flood Zone Determination • Flood Insurance Nationwide • Talk with a Flood Specialist • Residential, Commercial & Condo • Call Today for a Free Quote ADVERTISE IN THE HUMOR TIMES! • 916-455-1217 • info@humortimes.com April, 2012

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

5

Gov’t Out of Our Lives, Religious Right Style Santorum says he knows what’s best for you...

Invasive laws are spreading...

and a cartoon about it was too controversial for newspapers.

as a controversy over birth control is resurrected...

when most thought it was a settled issue.

But father knows best, says the “small gov’t” party.

6

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

April, 2012

Earth Day 2012

Co m Medi munity a for ALL!

All the denial...

Television • Radio • Internet

2012 Place Called Sacramento Scripts Due by April 10th MAKE A LOCAL MOVIE THIS SUMMER! More information? www.AccessSacramento.org 4623 T Street, Sacramento, CA 95819 • 916-456-8600

in the world...

Old-Fashioned Fountain All Your Favorite Ice Cream Treats!

Happy 21st, Humor Times!

We also serve Vic’s Ice Cream

Heard 5pm Thurs. on

kdvs 90.3 FM www.kdvs.org

and 6pm Wed. on

kzfr 90.1 FM Podcasting at radioparallax.com!

I listen to Radio Parallax to hear what everyone’s talking about!

Auburn, CA

RADIO PARALLAX – Perspectives Seldom Heard Elsewhere Douglas Everett examines topics in science, technology, politics, history, current events and whatever the hell he pleases.

Probing analysis, original comedy and timely interviews with guests like Will Durst, Bill Moyers, Daniel Schorr, Walter Cronkite, Vincent Bugliosi, John Dean, Mary Roach, Freeman Dyson, Al Franken, J im Lehrer, Joseph Wilson, Bob Edwards, Michael Parenti, Michael Pollan, Willie Brown, Greg Palast, Dr. Dean Edell, P. J. O’Rourke, Lowell Bergman, Ray Bradbury, Neil deGrasse Tyson and many more. Air America may no longer be available locally, but KDVS is still here providing the food for thought which open-minded listeners demand!

doesn’t change a thing.

Don’t Let Friends Go Without … Give the HUMOR TIMES today!

April, 2012

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

7

Of Romneys and Muppets great state of Massachusetts basket. I remember seeing JFK when A Tale of Two Romneys Odd week for Mitt Romney. The roller-coaster candidate was I was a kid. On more than one occasion I heard JFK speak. JFK on the receiving end of more mixed messages than a basement had an affair with Marilyn Monroe. And you, the hurling Mr. Santorum, are no JFK. bulletin board at the United Nations on Take Romney complains the media make him Your Schizo phrenic to Work Day. While sound like an out-of-touch rich guy. Where cruising to an easy victory in the Arizona priever could they have gotten that idea? Maybe mary he barely eeked out a squeaker in Michiwhen he said he likes to fire people? Or went gan. That’s the problem with running around to the Daytona 500 and ridiculed spectators 12 different home states; eventually you’re for wearing cheap rain ponchos? Or admitted bound to trip and stumble up some familiar he’s not a big NASCAR fan, but is friends front steps. with a couple team owners. You, sir, are beA Tale of Two Romneys. Republican canyond clueless. The Anti-Sherlock Holmes. didate Mitt Romney tries hard to seem normal.

Arthur Conan Doyle has to be spinning in his Rick Santorum was on track to pull off a grave. stunning upset but couldn’t keep his self-righRomney has the hair, the money, the staff, teous self from shooting from the lip, further the family, the teeth, the cheekbones, the fueling the contraception wars. What’s the money, the Super PACs, the perfectly faded strategy here? Get women so riled up, you can jeans AND the money; yet, it would be hard to make a case to repeal the 19th Amendment? imagine a candidate who has engendered less Birth Control? Really? What next: you going enthusiasm without first contracting a tertiary to play the “radio is the devil’s handiwork” case of infectious flesh-eating psoriasis. card?

Art by Jacob Sanders, Undoubtedly, a significant portion of the Ayatollah Rick inelegantly stated that one JacobSandersArt.com ennui he induces has to do with the irregular of JFK’s speeches made him want to throw up.

Sounds like a man not placing all his Super Tuesday eggs in the emergence of his alter ego, Flipper Mitt. When asked about a Sen-

WILL DURST

ate amendment to be welded onto a transportation bill that would allow employers to pick and choose which health care mandates they wish to follow, Mitt said he was against it and went on to explain why.

An hour later though, he came back to announce he had been confused by the question and what he really meant to say was he was all in favor of the Blunt Amendment. This guy would need extra pages added to the Kama Sutra to keep track of his multitude of favored positions.

Speaking of which, Mrs. Ann Romney, who may also be known as Lovey, kiddingly seconded the notion of strangling the press for going so far as suggesting Mitt sit down for the rest of the campaign and let her do the talking. And the pants-wearing, a move that should surely vex Mr. Santorum’s holy wrath.

Note to sister wife: It’s not just the press that doesn’t like your husband. In case you haven’t noticed, a whole bunch of Republicans aren’t all that into him either. Might want to skip this one and let sleeping dogs lie. Either that or strap them to the roof of one of your couple of Caddies where they belong.

We’re All Muppets Here Not easy being a Muppet. Referring to Greg Smith, formerly of Goldman Sachs, who wrote an op-ed in The New York Times about getting the hell out of Dodge, due to his company’s relentlessly spiraling moral depravity. According to Smith, associates are encouraged to pursue profit above all else, and that includes ripping out the eyeballs of their own billion-dollar clients at the same time they mockingly scorn them as Muppets.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A complete shocker — big-time brokerage firm with little or no conscience. My God. What next? High school prom parties where beer is served? Charlie Sheen coming to, on the floor of a Vegas hotel after noon? Drive-through food that tastes like hot, damp, glued-together bar coasters? Mitt Romney making his own robocalls?

Romney loves to hype his history as a private equity investment banker, so it’s not difficult to imagine him as another of the sucking pods on a waving tentacle of the vampire squid. Wrapped so tightly in the “Me First,” and “Success at any Cost” culture that he squeaks money when he moves. A sound that surely acts as a predatory mating call.

We’re all Muppets to him. On a daily basis Mr. Bain Capital will say or do whatever he thinks might possibly help on the campaign trail. “Pro-choice, I got your pro-choice. Oh wait, not pro-choice; well, then neither am I.” “What happens in the sanctity of one’s own bedroom is nobody’s business. Oh, Yes It Is!” Surprised every time he’s not photographed wearing one of those whiplash neck braces from the twisting and turning necessary to cover his wide panoply of paradoxical convictions.

Recently, this shape shifter comically sucked up to the South, pretending to like cheesy grits. Mitt, nothing personal, but if ever there were a non-cheesy grits-eating kind of a dude, it’s you. Even while referring to your NASCAR- and NFL-owner buddies, you still don’t have a song in your heart. Probably consider them nothing more than slightly better constructed sock puppets. More realistic button eyes.

That’s it, isn’t it? We’re all annoying obstacles to be overcome in order to better provide for your family. Who would be well advised not to get too comfortable, if there is anything to be learned from the fate of your valiant Irish setter,Seamus. Is that going to be your solution to everything: hose us down?

The Politicrats even have a name for our particular kind of Muppetism; they call us Low-Information Voters. People not paying too close attention. The ones that pretty much believe every ounce of slop our leaders shovel at us while greedy fingers fiddle at our orbital sockets.

Consider the 50 percent of Republicans in Mississippi and 45 percent in Alabama who still believe President Obama is a Muslim. While the hard-of-hearing think he’s muslin, a loosely woven cotton fabric.

Maybe that’s the ultimate goal of Republican kingmakers like the Koch Brothers. Get rid of the messy, unpredictable human element and create their own Muppet mouthpiece. Fold a spool of muslin into a head-shaped ball, stick a hand up it, and have it say exactly what they think we Low-Information Voters, LIVers, want to hear. Or did they already do that and call it… Rush Limbaugh.

8

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

April, 2012

iPod / iPhone Integration

Happy Anniversary, Humor Times!

We specialize in direct wire connections for the best possible sound quality in factory and aftermarket systems.

2735 Arden Way (At Fulton)

485-3800 5825 Madison Ave. (At Manzanita)

338-2500

Auto Radio Stereo High End Mobile Electronics Since 1970

Califor nia Stage presents The Meaning of It All California Stage celebrates its 20th production year with a World Premiere that will tickle your ribs and lead you through a renaissance of love and intrigue.

Calvino Mezzo Zucco is a budding alchemist and mechanical inventor in Pisa. The year is 1519 and he is madly in love with Alonza Dovono. In a conversation with her father he tries to ingratiate himself by intimating that he has discovered how to make gold. Then the fun begins.

Starring Brennan Villados, Tony Hutto, Chelsea Barone, Josephine Longo and Mahlon Greenhalgh, and written by Robert Lauz.

April 28 - May 27 Fridays & Saturdays at 8:00 pm and Sundays at 2:00 pm. Tickets: $20 for General Admission, $15 for seniors, students, and SARTA members. Groups of six or more cost $12 each.

Wilkerson Theater in the R25 Arts Complex • 1725 25th Street, Midtown aa Easy free parking available • Reservations: 916-451-5822 or online at www.CalStage.org

Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care.

Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment.

Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.

Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle.

We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.

DISCOVER

The Original Home Brew Outlet

GREEN

Finest Fermentation Equipment & Supplies in Sacramento Beer, Wine, Mead, Sake, Cider, Soda & Vinegars

INVESTING Align your investments with your values

916/444.2233

Open 7 Days • Classes & Gift Certificates Available

Author of Tending Your Money Garden

(916) 348-6322

2012 H St. #200, Sacramento www.bobdreizler.com

5528 Auburn Blvd (Auburn north of Garfield)

Registered Representative for securities and Investment Advisory Representative, Protected Investors of America. Serving socially & environmentally conscious investors. Member FINRA/SIPC.

Mon-Sat 10-6 • Sun 10-3 • www.ehomebrew.com

Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without … Give the HUMOR TIMES today!

April, 2012

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

9

Party of Lincoln As the March madness rolled on... it was down to the final four.

Romney continued to work his magic... and was proud of his accomplishments.

But Santorum is nothing if not persistent... saying that only he can save America. (continued)

10

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

April, 2012

St. Rick’s newest slogan has a familiar ring... and he’s still trying to appeal to “real” Americans.

He does have a way of making the party feel born again.

Meanwhile, the GOP is working hard...

in the fight against Obama... as they prepare to unite behind the inevitable candidate.

April, 2012

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

11

What They Said “The first truth is that the liberty of a democracy is not safe if the people tolerate the growth of private power to a point where it becomes stronger than their democratic State itself. That, in its essence, is fascism – ownership of government by an individual, by a group or by any other controlling private power.”

– Franklin D. Roosevelt, Simple Truths message to Congress, April 29, 1938 “If we’re going to win our never-ending war on terror, there are bound to be casualties. And one of them just happens to be the Constitution.”

– Comedian Stephen Colbert, on his Comedy Central TV show, The Colbert Report “Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will. Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them, and these will continue till they are resisted with either words or blows, or both. The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress.”

– Fred er ick Douglass, 1817-1895, American abolitionist, lecturer, author and slave “Wall Street owns the country. It is no longer a government of the people, by the people, and for the people, but a government of Wall Street, by Wall Street, and for Wall Street. The great common people of this country are slaves, and monopoly is the master.”

– Mary Elizabeth Lease, 19th century populist There is moral rot in America but it’s not found in the private behavior of ordinary people. It’s located in the public behavior of people who control our economy and are turning our democracy into a financial slush pump. It’s found in Wall Street fraud, exorbitant pay of top executives, financial conflicts of interest, insider trading, and the outright bribery of public officials through unlimited campaign “donations.”

Twice before progressive have saved capitalism from its own excesses by appealing to public morality and common sense. First in the early 1900s, when the captains for American industry had monopolized the economy into giant trusts, American politics had sunk into a swamp of patronage and corruption, and many factory jobs were unsafe – entailing long hours of work at meager pay and often exploiting children. In response, we enacted antitrust, civil service reforms, and labor protections.

And then again in 1930s after the stock market collapsed and a large portion of American workforce was unemployed.

Then we regulated banks and insured deposits, cleaned up stock market, and provided social insurance to the destitute.

It’s time once again to save capitalism from its own excesses – and to base a new era of reform on public morality and common sense.

– Robert Reich, Robert Reich’s Blog, March 14, 2012

The Hightower Lowdown Woody at 100 Where’s Woody when we need him?

In these times of tinkle-down economics – with the money powers thinking that they’re the top dogs and that the rest of us are just a bunch of fire hydrants – we need the hard-hitting musical stories, social commentaries and inspired lyrical populism of Woody Guthrie.

This year will mark the 100th anniversary of the birth of this legendary grassroots troubadour, who came out of the Oklahoma dust bowl to rally America’s “just plain folks” to fight back against the elites knocking them down.

As we know, the elites are back, strutting around cockier than ever with their knocking-down ways – but now comes the good news out of Tulsa, Okla., that Woody, too, is being revived, spiritually speaking. In a national collaboration between the Guthrie family and the George Kaiser Family Foundation, a center is being built in Tulsa to archive, present to the world and cel e brate the marvel ous songs, books, letters and other materials generated from Guthrie’s deeply fertile mind.

To give the center a proper kick-start, four great universities, the Grammy Museum, the Smithsonian Institution and the Kaiser Foundation are teaming up to host a combination of symposiums and concerts (think of them as Woody-Paloozas) throughout this centennial year. They began March 10th at the University of Tulsa, then they move on down the road to Brooklyn College and on to the University of Southern California and Penn State University.

If Woody himself were to reappear among

us, rambling from town to town, he wouldn’t need to write any new material. He’d see that the Wall Street banksters who crashed our economy are getting fat bonus checks, while the victims of their greed are still getting pink slips and eviction notices, and he could just pull out this verse from his old song, “Pretty Boy Floyd”: Yes, as through this world I’ve wandered, I’ve seen lots of funny men.

Some will rob you with a six-gun, And some with a fountain pen.

And as through your life your travel, Yes, as through your life your roam, You won’t never see an outlaw Drive a family from their home.

Also, witnessing the downsizing of America’s jobs, decimation of the middle class and stark rise in poverty, Guthrie could reprise his classic, “I Ain’t Got No Home”: I mined in your mines, and I gathered in your corn.

I been working, mister, since the day I was born.

Now I worry all the time like I never did before, ‘Cause I ain’t got no home in this world anymore.

Now as I look around, it’s mighty plain to see, This world is such a great and a funny place to be.

Oh, the gamblin’ man is rich, an’ the workin’ man is poor, And I ain’t got no home in this world anymore.

Guthrie unabashedly celebrated America’s working class, seeing in it the commitment to

Reach down deep and GIVE to those in need …

OF A GOOD DOSE OF POLITICAL SATIRE! 12

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

JIM HIGHTOWER the common good that lifts America up. He drove The Powers That Be crazy (a pretty short ride for many of them back then, just as it is today). So they branded him a unionist, socialist, communist and all sorts of other “ists” – but he withered them with humor that got people laughing at them: “I ain’t a communist necessarily, but I have been in the red all my life.”

Going down those “ribbons of highway” that he extolled in “This Land Is Your Land,” Guthrie found that the only real hope of fairness and justice was in the people themselves: “When you bum around and look at all the folks that’s down and out, busted, disgusted (but can still be trusted), you wish that somehow or other they could ... pitch in and build this country back up again.” He concluded, “There is just one way to save yourself, and that’s to get together and work and fight for everybody.”

And, indeed, that’s exactly what grassroots people are doing all across our country today.

From Occupy Wall Street to the ongoing Wisconsin uprising, from battles against the Keystone XL Pipeline to the successful local and state campaigns to repeal the Supreme Court’s atrocious Citizens United edict, people are adding their own verses to Woody’s musical refrain: “I ain’t a-gonna be treated this a-way.”

Where’s Woody when we need him? He’s right there, inside each of us.

Use the form on page 3, or SAVE A BUCK by going online to www.humortimes.com!

December, 2011

The Prez Obama’s plan to deal with Iran seems to be working... but the GOP says the prez is still up to his old tricks.

The Atty. General tried to answer objections to claims... by the administration, regarding the use of drones.

Meanwhile, Obama still faces criticism on the economy... but he says he’s doing all he can.

April, 2012

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

13

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

A Letter from Rick Santorum Introducing SantorumCare™ NEW YORK – Today, former Senator Rick Santorum issued the following letter to the American people.

Dear American People: When I think about government-mandated healthcare, I have the same re sponse that any mature adult would have: it makes me want to throw up.

That’s why, on my first day as President, I Rick Santorum will re peal ObamaCare. Well, actually, on my very first day I’m going to repeal the Renaissance. And also the theory of evolution. But I will definitely get rid of ObamaCare by Day Three, Four at the latest.

You see, ObamaCare runs counter to my well-documented position on personal freedom: I believe in the rights of the unborn child, until it’s born and wants a checkup.

What will take the place of ObamaCare? As your President, I will institute SantorumCare™, a healthcare plan that will cover absolutely no medical procedures whatsoever except one: exorcism.

For many years, possession by the devil has been America’s number one health prob lem, far more se ri ous than those posed by cigarette manufacturers who have funneled millions to my PACs. You don’t have to take Rick Santorum’s word for it that America is in the grips of a devil-possession epidemic: just watch any episode of “Jersey Shore.”

You’re prob a bly saying to yourself, “Government-mandated exorcisms are a great idea, Rick. But how will we find the devil babies to exorcise?” Good question, and I have a good answer: on my first day as Pres i dent, I will or der man da tory transvaginal ultrasounds for every woman in America.

These ultrasounds will be a prerequisite to getting a driver’s license at the DMV, where there’s plenty of downtime for such a procedure. Additionally, they can be easily and safely performed by TSA employees on the airport security line. If an ultrasound turns up any telltale signs of a devil baby (e.g. horns or tail) we’ll sched ule the woman for her government-mandated exorcism there and then.

I hope after reviewing SantorumCare™, you’ll agree that it’s the best healthcare plan out there for you and your family. But just in case you’re not sold yet, maybe this will seal the deal: leeches are 100% covered.

Vote for me, Rick – Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com

Potential Matchup Between Black Man and Mormon Poses Dilemma for Bigots Nowhere to turn, disgruntled haters say NEW YORK – With a fall presidential contest Ohio, a group of bigots who gather once a week to between Barack Obama and former Massachu- discuss their dislike of various racial and religious setts governor Mitt Romney ingroups echoed Mr. Torlinson’s creas ingly likely, Amer ica’s sentiments. bigots are finding themselves in a “I actually cried when Rick quandary over which candidate to Perry dropped out of the race,” s u p p o rt, p rom i ne n t bigots said David Colehurn, a disgrunconfirmed today. tled hater who works at a nearby Across the U.S., voters who Pe p B oy s . “ He ma y be describe themselves as bigots are brain-damaged and all, but at com plain ing that a first-ever least he’s White and Christian.” matchup between a Black man Bigots quandry: who to hate more?

Mr. Colehurn said that his and a Mormon, while historic, is forcing them to bigotry towards both Black people and Mormons ask a difficult question: which group do they hate was making him entertain thoughts of voting for a more? third-party candidate, but that he was “turned off” “I’ve always seen myself as pretty versatile, by the possibility of a bid from Texas congressbigotry-wise,” said Herb Torlinson, a hardware man Ron Paul: “I hate old people.” salesman from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. “But In other news, former Sen. Rick Santorum reI guess this is going to be an election that really vealed that he made his first sweater vest himself puts my different hates to the test.” when he tore off the sleeves of his straitjacket.

At the Clapboard Corner Café in Youngstown, – Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com

The Campaign for President (Of The Universe) God seen as complacent – time for a replacement?

An Op-Ed from Ben Krull God has been in office too long and His complacency shows. His administration is well into its fifth millennium and we still have to deal with death and taxes. He couldn’t even get Tim Tebow to the Super Bowl.

We need to get God out of His celestial bubble and make Him answer to the people. It’s time to introduce some competition into the cosmos by making God stand for election.

God’s apologists will claim that He “works in mysterious ways” and that mere mortals are too stupid to understand His game plan. But this nanny-universe mentality is wearing thin.

People are tired of his boneheaded decisions, like putting Arabs and Jews in the same neighborhood and giving three professional sports teams to Cleveland. We need to make our unelected judges accountable – especially when they have lifetime appointments that last forever.

God might prove rusty on the campaign trail, as he hasn’t faced the electorate since stumping in the Sinai. He would have to explain to family values voters why he had a child out-of-wedlock, and liberals would be turned off by his views on evolution. And how would our famously shy monarch do in the TV age, when he refuses to show his likeness?

But as an incumbent, God has high name recognition and His campaign bio has been a New York Times bestseller for centuries.

The possibilities suggested by an election for

Soul of Jerry Springer Begs for Release It has been almost 21 years since Jerry Springer’s soul got her first taste of trash TV. She has finally had enough, saying that she’s so over sitting idly by while her host whores himself out on national television. Finally ready to invoke a rarely used rule in celestial circles, Springer’s soul claims that “enough is enough.”

“I’m asking to be released from my host under the seldom-used “last-straw liberation act,” said Lei des Aire, a light being assigned to Jerry Springer at birth.

According to des Aire, in order to be released from her host, she must prove that without her presence, the host can stand alone. So, for the

16

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

last six months, she says that she has left Springer’s body daily, during the taping of The Jerry Springer Show, and no one, including Springer himself, even noticed.

“I’ve only known a few instances where the soul has been released from a host body and allowed to enter another at birth. It is very rare,” she said. “Most souls stick with their hosts regardless of how difficult it is – even Hitler’s, if you can believe that. Not me, though,” she said, “I just don’t have the stomach for it.”

Asked what the tipping point was, des Aire explained. “It was late one night, Jerry had just passed out, and I decided to do a little astral pro-

the throne of thrones would be a godsend to the chattering classes. Would God choose a rabbi for a runYahweh not likely to play nice. ning mate to capture Jewish votes in Florida? Or would He go with an atheist, to balance the ticket?

What if Jesus ran as a third party candidate?

Would that split the Christian vote, throwing the election to Satan? The race would undoubtedly turn nasty. He could face sexual harassment allegations from Aphrodite and charges from Moses that the Ten Commandments were ghost-written.

God could probably buy His way into office by offering pardons from Hell in exchange for votes.

But He might be tempted to retire from politics and let someone else hear His name being used in vain a billion times a day.

As an ex-Yahweh, He could demand at least three sacrifices per appearance as a speaking fee, or land a gig as a contributor on the 700 Club.

But the big manna would come by taking advantage of Heaven’s revolving gate. He could make a fortune as a lobbyist, getting loopholes to tithing for the one percent and representing souls trying to get Peter to let them into Paradise.

A version of this essay appeared in the Newark Star Ledger on 2/7/12. jecting. I ended up in Paris and met another soul by the name of Gabe. He told me who his host was…Maya Angelou.”

“He couldn’t say enough nice things about her and told me that he just was so happy to be her soul. After I told him whom I embodied, Gabe about fell out of the sky. Apparently,” said des Aire, “I’ve been the laughing stock of the ethereal community for quite some time.”

“Long story short, Gabe told me about the liberation act and told me that if Larry Flynt’s soul could get out of it for similar reasons, I should have no problems.”

Des Aire says she is awaiting word from the powers that be, hoping it won’t be much longer.

“If I have to watch one more pregnant girl

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

In Positive Economic Sign, Republicans Starting to Say Obama Wasn’t Born in US Again S & P Birther Index posts big gains WASHINGTON – In what some experts are calling a strong indicator of improvement in the econ omy, Republicans in recent weeks have begun renewing their claims that President Barack Obama was not born in the United States.

While most economists agree that any significant improvement in the US economy is generally accompanied by an uptick in GOP questions about Mr. Obama’s place of birth, there is now an ec ono met ric tool for mea sur ing the phenomena: the so-called S & P Birther Index.

The Birther Index, established in 2008, measures the occurrences of such words as “birth certificate,” “Kenya,” and “wasn’t born here” in Republican statements about the President, and has proven to be a surprisingly reliable tool for tracking improvements in the economy.

Harland Dorinson, the economist who devised the S & P Birther Index, said that as the economy recovers the index also shows a strong surge in statements questioning the President’s Christianity.

“As unemployment started going down, we saw an increase in references to Mr. Obama being a Muslim,” he said. “This is generally a very bullish sign for the economy.”

But Mr. Dorinson was quick to add that while the surge in references to Mr. Obama being “an Islamic socialist born in a mud-hut in Nairobi” is encouraging, the economy is not out of the woods yet.

“We won’t be fully in a recovery until the Republicans start calling him a Wiccan,” he said.

“And if they start saying he’s a Satanist who practices human sacrifice and drinks the blood of children, then it’ll be time to pop open the champagne.”

In other news: – North Korea said it would stop making nuclear weapons if the US stops making Chipmunks sequels.

– Bristol Palin announced plans to do a reality show, despite her mother’s longstanding objection to reality.

– And “Jersey Shore” star Snooki is pregnant, according to People I Don’t Give a Shit About magazine.

– Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com

Jerry Springer guests work it out.

named Brit’ney beg her toothless boyfriend to take her back even though he cheated on her with her mother, while Jerry sits there and tells them to be kind to each other, I think I may just go super nova, you know?”

– P. Beckert, isaidlaughdammit.blogspot .com

December, 2011

OMNETWORKS A Complete Internet Solution WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3

Technical Support

Affordable Chiropractic Alan Zarembski, D.C. Expert, Caring Chiropractic Treatment At Affordable Rates

WWW.OMSOFT.COM 530-758-0119

Free Consultation On-site Massage Services Official Chiropractor for the Sacramento Ballet

2309 K St., Ste. 100 • Sacramento • 916-444-2308 Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without … Give the HUMOR TIMES! April, 2012

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

www.a-zchiro.com 17

Economy Gas prices keep rising, which angers nearly everyone...

but when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.

But what is not helping is the constant saber-rattling... which is fueled by a lot of hot air.

Working Americans are finding it harder to fill their tanks... and are looking for fresh solutions. (continued)

18

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

April, 2012

Some ideas have been floated to help close the deficit...

but there is the usual resistance...

bolstered by the usual arguments.

Meanwhile, Wall Street seems to have all the luck...

unlike most of America.

Is austerity the answer? It’s working so well in Greece.

April, 2012

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

19

Argus Sez George Clooney led protests at Sudan’s Embassy in Washington D.C. recently. He spent the week rubbing elbows with politicians, lobbyists and the president. After two days in Washington he couldn’t wait to return to the relative depth and sincerity of Los Angeles.

CBS Sports enjoyed big rat ings for the NCAA Tournament due to college basketball’s popularity. It’s so different from the NBA. The players go all out for the entire game and referees have no idea how the game’s going to come out before it’s played.

Peyton Manning worked out with Denver Broncos wide receivers as he shops teams.

There was a dramatic scene in the locker room.

In a true test of Christian charity, Tim Tebow was asked to lay his hands on Peyton Manning’s neck and then pack his things.

Tiger Woods dropped out of the Doral WGC after the twelfth hole. Helicopter cams followed him as he drove away with golfer Webb Simpson. When NBC announced he was in an SUV with Simpson going up the freeway the police put out an APB for Tiger’s ex-wife.

The Washington Post reports Osama bin Laden had ordered al-Qaeda to shoot down President Obama’s plane so Joe Biden could become president. His reasoning was simple. He thought Joe Biden was unprepared to be president because he never lived in Indonesia.

Pres i dent Obama savaged Pres i dent Rutherford B. Hayes for resisting the telephone.

Actually he was the first president to appreciate the possibilities of the phone. You cannot imagine how much time he wasted trying to have telegraph sex with his intern.

Washington D.C. residents were sickened by a foul odor recently due to hot weather. The

ARGUS HAMILTON smell was caused by insects which pollinated on early-ripening trees, thinking the bark was rotting flesh. It’s a trick by Republicans to remove them so that oil drilling can begin.

Tom Hanks narrated a President Obama campaign video. It accuses the GOP Congress of blocking the president’s progressive measures. Republicans prefer gridlock because it gives people more time to sit in their cars and listen to Rush Limbaugh.

Rick Santorum campaigned in Illinois and he repeated his vow to get rid of all Internet porn, hotel room porn and porn sold at video stores.

People could be forced to go out of their homes and interact with each other in person. It could bring back the Disco Era. Iran president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was called to the Council of Mullahs and rebuked.

They want a new president. If the mullahs wants someone who can make Israel give up half of what they own, they should swap their nuclear program for Bernie Madoff.

Prime Minister David Cameron met with Wall Street chiefs recently. Talks focused on the need to remove barriers to trans-Atlantic capital flow. They want to take a half second off the one second it takes for cash to go from New York to London to the Bahamas.

The Discovery Channel aired a new documentary called Frozen Planet about animal life in Antarctica. It’s perilous. Due to the warm winter, the penguin mating ritual of walking two hundred miles to seduce a mate has been reduced to insincere chit-chat in the hot tub.

WEBSITES

Done well, quickly, cheaply!

Need a website for your business, band, blog or for personal use, but don’t have the time or inclination to learn how to do it?

We’ll do it for you, at a fair, very affordable price. You may be surprised how cheaply we can design a simple, yet quality website for you.

We can work with you no matter where you live.

Please get in touch and let’s discuss it!

Humor Times Website Production info@humortimes.com 916-455-1217 PO Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 20

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

April, 2012

To Your Health An inconvenient truth was exposed...

which, like all the others, will be denied.

Medical pot smoking continues to be dissed...

but the tobacco biz just got a reprieve.

Health care is still on life support... and how about a soda with that red meat?

April, 2012

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

21

War Zone The drums of war are beating once again...

and Iran has learned a few tricks.

Meanwhile, back in Afghanistan... the natives are showing their appreciation.

But the battle for hearts & minds is a little shaky... and new recruits are getting harder to find.

22

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

April, 2012

Corporate Citizens, United It’s a new era in American democracy...

Voted Best Happy Hour Sacramento 2011

Great Food, Awesome Beer, Cool People!

Here’s to the Humor Times on Your 21st!

•Daily Hoppy Hour Specials Voted Best Happy Hour 2010 & 2011!

•Watch the NHL – Now that's funny!

•Half Off Appetizers!

Late night Hoppy Hour an improved way to choose our leaders...

Hoppy Brewing Company 6300 Folsom Blvd. • 916.451.HOPPY (4677)

although it will require some basic changes.

Wake someone from their media-induced coma! Give the HUMOR TIMES! April, 2012

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

23

Miscellaneous Mischief

24

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

April, 2012

April, 2012

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

25

Sympathy Cards for Billionaires

ROZ WARREN

Everyone feels sorry for the 99 percent, but what about the poor billionaires?

By Janet Golden and Roz Warren The lavish lifestyles of our nation’s beleaguered billionaires have been rocked by recent financial events: Why a few have even been reduced to mere millionaires!

Show the saddened billionaire in your life that you care by sending one of our new line of Sympathy Cards For Billionaires: Your Madoff money got clawed back Your expert lawyer was a hack The IRS still wants its share And you don’t have a dime to spare.

My Sympathy.

The Buffett Tax is looming The divorce payments booming The real estate bubble has exploded Your derivative investments have imploded.

My Sympathy.

All your investments have all gone bust Especially that real estate investment trust You’ve nothing left but bills and taxes While lawyers attack with calls and faxes.

My Sympathy.

You signed on as the CEO But profits plunged so you had to go The buyout you got was a mere eight million Now you’re the laugh ing stock of the cotillion.

My Sympathy.

Poor little rich fellow.

Your banker friend in Switzerland Squealed to the IRS Your hidden stash of money Has landed you in a mess.

My Sympathy.

Your staff kept your private jet neat as a pin.

You never even spoke the words “overhead bin.”

Now your jet is gone and when you fly You take off your shoes like a regular guy.

My Sympathy.

You stirred your coffee with a silver spoon.

Your stock portfolio was over the moon!

Now the money’s gone. You’re eating spam.

You’re the Walmart greeter who calls me Ma’am.

My sympathy.

Greece’s economy has gone under Your drachma investment was a blunder.

You sank the rest in housing deals And now you’re quite down at the heels.

My Sympathy.

SOAPBOX! with

Jeanie Keltner

“Intelligent Talk” Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento

Congrats, HT, on Your 21st Our 21st is in August!

1221 21 st S t.

Sacramento (NexttoChea p Thrills)

916.455.0514 www.trendsettershair.com a a

Open Saturday 10-2

Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without … Give the HUMOR TIMES! 26

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

April, 2012

Big Monkey Comic

April, 2012

By Jason Coe & Hugo Camacho

Humor Times 21st Anniversary Issue

27

Don’t Miss Out on All the Fun!

SUBSCRIBE!

Happy 21st, Humor Times, You Young Whippersnapper!

We’re Celebrating Our 65th!

Hard copy delivered to your mailbox • Online digital version also available

Enjoy

Vic’s Ice Cream at these fine locations!

VOTED SACRAMENTO’S BEST ICE CREAM! Vic’s Ice Cream is a delicious homemade treat anytime! Enjoy any of dozens of fabulous flavors, including IRISH COFFEE! And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches!

3199 Riverside Blvd.

Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years. Family owned & operated.

448-0892

Also Available at: BURR'S FOUNTAIN

WILLIE’S

4920 Folsom Blvd. 5050 Arden Way Sacramento Fair Oaks

Advertise with the

®

20% OFF!

when you mention this ad

Call 916-455-1217 or email info@humortimes.com for more information.