Humor Times, May 2012

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Last Month’s Anniversary Issue I forgot to point out the symbolism of last month’s cover, so skillfully created by artist Jacob Sanders (look him up on Facebook!). The sharper tacks among you probably figured it out. But in case you didn’t, here it is: The four men pictured are the four presidents we’ve covered over our 21 years – the two Bushes, Clinton and Obama. And they are celebrating the occasion by drinking beer, because the Humor Times is old enough to drink now! Pretty simple, really.

“Bizarro” or “Big Monkey Comic”? Vote!

We recently switched out Bizarro on the inside back cover for the lesser-known Big Monkey Comic. We did so because we liked the new cartoon and wanted to share it with you. But also because we felt Bizarro was so ubiquitous, being in so many publications and on the web, that we figured for most people, it was probably duplication – something you see elsewhere.

However, we’ve received some feedback from folks saying they want Bizarro back. So, we would like to hear from more of you. People who like the change probably wouldn’t say so without being asked, so we’re asking.

We’ll go by the popular vote. Let us know what you think. Do you want Bizarro back?

Or do you like Big Monkey? We’re limited by space, so we can’t do both.

Please email, write or phone to vote. (Contact info below.) Thank you!

– James Israel, Publisher/editor The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 21, Issue 245, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3127 Broadway, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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May, 2012

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Hoodies vs Bullets Florida’s law is all about the right to self-defense...

against characters deemed a threat.

It’s not about racism, say proponents... but about making America safe.

There are many ways to interpret the law, however.

Could it be that the statute itself is a threat? (continued)

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HUMOR TIMES

May, 2012

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Of Dogs, Fleas and Care Bears Shaking the Fleas off the Dog Remember way back when his own staffer said Mitt Romney had the convictions of an Etch-A-Sketch? Well, stand back, because as we speak, the former governor of Massachusetts is being flipped over and shaken so hard the fillings in the back teeth of his whole family are starting to rattle and cascade like some great crumbling Utah Butte.

Fear not the rubble, little ones. This simply means we’re entering general election territory, so anything Mitt Romney might have said up during the primary... no longer applies. We’re beginning anew. Re-shuffling the deck. The winter of our discontent has been made glorious summer by this Son of Dork.

Illustration by Jacob Sanders.

We’re not even play ing the same ballgame any more.

Fast-pitch hardball has morphed into beach volleyball before our very eyes. And the sand’s been replaced with money. Unlike the previous six months, the object is no longer about how hard you hit the ball, rather how long it stays in the air. On your side of the net. You may recall this from pre-video game childhood as Keep Away.

A Republican primary is consumed with hard right angles. No quarter asked for, no quarter given. The general election is much more soft focus. Nice, round, spongy contours. Less muscular retorts, more sly evasions. Gauze is being spread over the lens and next comes the two fingers of Vaseline. Best keep a towel handy.

Already the severely conservative former governor has turned

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into a moderate kind of a regular guy. Mr. Hyde sunk behind the lab island and Dr. Jekyll rose to walk forward with an outreached hand. Mister “It’s okay to call Susan Fluke a slut” is now the soul of Chivalry.

And the “War on Women” was instigated by Obama. Never mind the hundreds of bills written and enacted across the country restricting the rights of women, wholeheartedly endorsed by the candidate. Never mind his previous statements on Planned Parenthood and birth control. Never mind he thinks Lilly Ledbetter is an affliction of his youth successfully repressed.

All that silly suffragette bashing has been offset by a single Democrat suggesting Ann Romney might not be qualified to be her husband’s economic strategist since she spent her working life running a tycoon’s household. Maybe Alice from the Brady Bunch shouldn’t be Secretary of the Treasury.

The outcry was so loud a million apple pies shook off of shelves and the president of the United States got tangled in a War on Moms Web. Was this an exceptionally sticky birthday gift to a two-Cadillacked woman or what?

Apparently the presumptive nominee is taking a page straight out of the Karl Rove Handbook and plans to run one of those “I know you are, but what am I” campaigns. Later to be partnered with the auspicious “I am rubber, you are glue” ploy.

Republicans love this third-grade playground strategy. You indict the other guy for exactly what you’re guilty of. Go back to 2004, when a borderline deserter successfully accused a war hero

HUMOR TIMES

WILL DURST

of being a traitor. The theory being: If you can’t convince the people, confuse them. As the right is so fond of preaching: There’s a fine line between educated and confused.

It’s only a matter of time before the challenger accuses the incumbent of being a fat-cat tool of Wall Street. Totally out of touch with normal people. Belongs to a funny religion. With a long history of extreme insensitivity to dogs. And he has cooties.

Every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. themarsh.org. Special $10 tix. Use code “vote.”

Obama Care Bears Let us talk of many things, of Cabbages and Kings. Of Ultimate Arbiters. The Court of Last Resort. SCOTUS. The judicial graveyard where appealers go to die. The Supreme Court of the United States, which reluctantly deigned to hear testimony on a subject so obviously beneath them, it was an effort to keep their left eyes open: Obama Care.

Due to the rarified air of the highest court in the land, the arguments were solemn, dignified and incisive. “Obama Care Sucks!”

“Does not.” “Does So.” “Does Not.” Like that, only in elevated lawyer language.

The Supremes, made up of six Catholics and three Jews – and doesn’t that sound like the dance card at a KKK Lawn Burning Jamboree – agreed to stoop from their lofty perch to consider the constitutionality of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. And to that purpose they carved six whole hours from their busy docket. The equivalent of eight episodes of “American Idol,” without commercials. And no Steven Tyler, so they got that going for them.

Justice Antonin Scalia was frustrated: “Do you expect us to go through each part of this law?” Of course not. That’s why they call them briefs. The Act, as rammed through a Democratic Congress, is 2400 pages long. Or 2700. They’re still not sure. Shouldn’t they be sure? By now? A lot of stuff can happen in 300 pages.

We’ve all read Harry Potter.

For some odd reason, vegetables were referenced. Repeatedly.

Scalia facetiously asked: “Everybody has to buy food... therefore you can make people buy broccoli?” Hmm. Seems to possess an unhealthy fixation with broccoli, a member of the cabbage family, mentioning it eight times. The traumatic result of a pre-adolescent dinner revolt?

The thing is, Tony, if you don’t buy broccoli, my grocery bill doesn’t go up. Stores don’t offer differing prices for rich people broccoli and poor people broccoli. And you won’t ever be prevented from buying broccoli because you got a weird looking oyster in your cart.

Needless to say, everybody on the Court has health care. As well they should. As well we all should. They are going to need it, because anybody trying to slog through this much Congressional gobbledygook better have a large supply of prescription drugs on hand. Perhaps a raid on your pig with wings’ Oxycontin stash is in the cards?

Meanwhile, the nation waits on surgical pins and sealing wax needles for the conclusion of these nine cranky, berobed millionaires. And just exactly how does a judge become a millionaire – speaking fees? Wouldn’t that disqualify Scalia’s ventriloquist dummy, Clarence Thomas?

Say the courtly immortals do strike down the individual mandate. Do they leave managed crumbs and pieces intact? Including the elimination of denial of coverage and pre-existing conditions? Or do we call it a wash and head back to Go and start all over? Do not collect $200. And put that IUD down, right now, missy.

Most expect the ruling to fall into the traditional Liberal-Conservative 4-4 split, with a single swing vote adjudicating. In other words, the future of American health care depends which side of the bed Justice Anthony Kennedy wakes up, on Decision Day in June. We might want to get this guy a date. Anything to put him in a good mood. Something healthy to raise his metabolism: like a nice roasted vegetable plate. A little bit of cabbage and lots of broccoli.

Every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. themarsh.org. Special $10 tix. Use code “vote.”

Will’s new book, The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing is available at Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. From Ulysses Press.

May, 2012

Service, Secret The Secret Service is well-trained and ready to pounce...

But a recent scandal tarnished their image...

and they like to keep things under wraps.

and prompted changes in protocol.

After all, such behavior is associated with immoral types.

Meanwhile, the Service had to pay Ted Nugent a visit.

May, 2012

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Supreme Court Operates on Health Care Legal challenges to the new health care law... made it all the way to the Supreme Court.

Their decisions could affect millions... and turn back the clock on health care.

Many pledge to fight for “Obamacare�... but others will have none of it. (continued)

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HUMOR TIMES

May, 2012

Califor nia Stage presents The Meaning of It All Republicans were for it before they were against it...

California Stage celebrates its 20th production year with a World Premiere that will tickle your ribs and lead you through a renaissance of love and intrigue.

Calvino Mezzo Zucco is a budding alchemist and mechanical inventor in Pisa. The year is 1519 and he is madly in love with Alonza Dovono. In a conversation with her father he tries to ingratiate himself by intimating that he has discovered how to make gold. Then the fun begins.

Starring Brennan Villados, Tony Hutto, Chelsea Barone, Josephine Longo, Kate Dahl and Mahlon Greenhalgh; written by Robert Lautz.

April 28 - May 27 Fridays & Saturdays at 8:00 pm and Sundays at 2:00 pm. Tickets: $20 for General Admission, $15 for seniors, students, and SARTA members. Groups of six or more cost $12 each.

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and they have strong opinions about “activist” judges.

Meanwhile, change is slow in Washington.

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What They’re Saying Corporate Rule Is Not Inevitable You may remember that there was a time when apartheid in South Africa seemed unstoppable...With hindsight, though, apartheid's fall appears inevitable: the legitimacy of the system had already crumbled. It was harming too many for the benefit of too few.

In the same way, the legitimacy of rule by giant corporations and Wall Street banks is crumbling. This system of cor po rate rule also benefits few and harms many, affecting nearly every major issue in public life. For example: Powerful corporations socialize their risks and costs, but privatize profits. That means we, the 99 percent, pick up the tab for environmental clean ups, for helping workers who aren't paid enough to afford food or health care, for bailouts when risky speculation goes wrong.

Meanwhile, profits go straight into the pockets of top executives and others in the 1 percent...

Scientists say that we are on the brink of runaway climate change; we only have a few years to make the needed investments in clean power and energy efficiency. This transition could be a huge job creator – on the order of the investments made during World War II, which got us out of the Depression...

Big Pharma jacks up prices; insurance companies raise premiums and deliver fewer benefits; the burden of inflated care drags down the economy and bankrupts families. But only a very few politicians stand up...and advocate for Canadian-style single-payer health care, which would go a long way toward solving the cost problem.

Corporations and wealthy executives fund an army of lobbyists and election campaigns, spreading untruths and self-serving policy prescriptions. It's not that we, the people, haven't noticed all this. In a recent poll by the Pew Research Center, 77 percent of Americans said too much power is concentrated in the hands of a few rich people and large corporations. In a poll by Time Magazine, 86 percent of Americans said Wall Street and its lobbyists have too much influence in Washington.

And 80 percent of Americans oppose Citizens United, the pro-corporate Supreme Court ruling that turns two years old today. Eighty percent – that's among Republicans, Democrats, and Independents.

Some say corporations have such a strong grip on politicians and big media that it is impossible to challenge them, no matter how many of us there are.

But I believe we can do it...

Corporations were created by public law to provide a public benefit. If we the people no longer feel that a corporation is providing a benefit – or if we feel that it is operating in a lawless and destructive manner – we can revoke their charter.

We can insist that, in exchange for use of our public airwaves, broadcasters provide free air time to candidates for public office. If they don't need to raise millions for media buys, they don't need to be as beholden to the 1 percent.

We can get our governments to…start our own state banks – 14 states...are considering such a move. And while we're at it, we can localize food, energy, and other aspects of our economy so local, independent businesses and cooperatives can thrive.

We can call for a constitutional amendment over turn ing Cit i zens United, cor po rate personhood, and the ridiculous notion that money is the same thing as speech.

We can use mechanisms like clean elections, electoral transparency, citizen review of legislation, and recalls to keep corporate control of our democracy in check...

None of these actions will be easy. It will take time – potentially years of work – to make big change. But just as the legitimacy of apartheid crumbled well before the institutions of apartheid went down, the legitimacy of corporate rule is crumbling. So I'm convinced that, with you and me and all the others out there creating alternatives and taking a stand, we will see change.

– Sa rah van Gelder, YES! Mag a zine, 1/21/12

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The Hightower Lowdown The Inequity of Private-equity Hustlers What are these phantasmagoric money machines that they call “private-equity firms?”

They’re much in the news these days, because a former private-equity magnate is presently running for president. Mitt Romney piled up a quarter-billion-dollar personal fortune through his Wall Street equity outfit, Bain Capital, and now claims that, because of his success in that business, he knows how to “fix” our economy.

Before you cheer that, note that private equity whizzes are all about The Fix – not necessarily a good thing. They operate by borrowing big piles of cash at high interest rates from rich speculators to buy out XYZ Corp. Then, to meet the interest payments owed to the speculators (and to siphon off a financial killing for themselves), the fixers do two things: One, they plunder XYZ’s assets, selling the profitable chunks of the corporation; and two, they severely downsize the XYZ workforce, firing as many workers as possible and demanding deep wage cuts and ben efit givebacks from the employees they keep.

It’s a raw redistribution-of-wealth scheme, shifting XYZ’s wage payments from its many workers to a handful of wealthy high-rollers.

The process downsizes America’s middle class, while creating no real economic value. Nothing equitable about it.

But the fix also includes a set of very special partners, few of whom are even aware that they’re in on the deal: taxpayers. The private-equity business model is not structured on old-fashioned, free-enterprise principles, but

on a skewed system of tax loopholes punched into federal law by these financiers’ lobbyists and the law mak ers who do Wall Street’s bidding.

For example, the equity funds are able to load up on such heavy debt to finance their corporate takeovers only because all of the interest they must pay to speculators for that borrowed money is tax-deductible. In other words, our government directly subsidizes private-equity plundering by covering their huge interest payments.

To add to their fun, many of these tax-code scammers grab such big debt deductions each year that they end up paying zero corporate income taxes, even though they rake in millions in profit.

To put a na me to th i s fi nan ci al flimflammery, let me tell you a corporate morality tale that I call “The Shame of Shamu.”

Actually, Shamu is not the cause of the shame. After all, that’s just the generic name given to the killer whales kept in captivity as the star attraction at all three theme parks operated by SeaWorld, Inc. The shame belongs to the corporation, which not only profits from its exploitation of the whales, but also manages to dodge paying even a penny in national or state income taxes. Based in Orlando, Fla., this sprawling entertainment conglomerate pocketed record profits of $380 million last year but paid zero taxes on it.

This is because SeaWorld is owned by Blackstone Group, a multibillion-dollar private equity giant that specializes in acrobatic ac-

Reach down deep and GIVE to those in need …

OF A GOOD DOSE OF POLITICAL SATIRE! HUMOR TIMES

JIM HIGHTOWER counting and spectacular twistings of our tax laws.

For example, Blackstone structured its 2009 takeover of SeaWorld so that it could immediately begin grabbing tax deductions under the law’s convoluted depreciation rules. Also, the Wall Street group paid 60 percent of the $2.5 billion purchase price with high-level-interest loans from wealthy speculators – yes, that makes the huge interest payments on that debt totally deductible from Blackstone’s tax bill.

Thus – Shazam Shamu! – this bit of Wall Street hocus-pocus let’s SeaWorld pull big profits out of its hat, while the taxes owed by SeaWorld’s private equity owner – Poof! – disappear. Well, admitted a corporate spokesman, that’s true, but the group “operates entirely within the letter and spirit” of the law.

Of course they do! That’s an easy trick for them. Blackstone is a whale in America’s political pool, funneling millions of dollars a year into lobbyists and politicians to rig the law. It has already spent $7.3 million lobbying the current Congress and another $1.3 million (so far) on campaign donations for this year’s elections.

Those donations include $173,000 to back Mitt Romney – who promises if elected to make tax laws even more favorable to money manipulators like Blackstone. The moral is that you don’t need magic if you’re wired to power.

Use the form on page 3, or SAVE A BUCK by going online to www.humortimes.com!

May, 2012

Clowning Around The GSA is tasked with helping the gov’t increase efficiency... so, naturally, such hard workers needed a break.

But their wild spending spree prompted an investigation... and earned them a strong rebuke.

They promised to be more sensitive... and follow the example of more responsible types.

May, 2012

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“We Report, You Decry!”

Help Solve the Mystery: Whose Heart Did They Put In Dick Cheney’s Chest?

Doctors aren’t talking News information services have informed us that former President-Of-Vice Dick Cheney has had a heart transplant, but its source remains a mystery.

The former Halliburton head man had to wait almost two years to get his new t i c k e r b ecause of the dif fi culty of finding a heart evil enough to even come close to replac ing his original.

Art by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com Doctors kept waiting for Vladimir Putin or Lukashenko, the leader of Belarus, who some say is the last dictator in Europe, or Kony, the African military leader who uses child soldiers in his rebel army, to keel over, but their dark hearts seem to be running longer than the Energizer bunny’s.

For the last few years Cheney had been using a heart pump that doctors installed to keep his heart going. Eerily, because of the heart pump, Cheney did not have a pulse.

He had been relying on a mechanism of modern technology to keep his body alive, thus giving him yet another uncanny resemblance to Darth Vader.

The heart came from a mysterious, unknown donor. Also, strangely, it was delivered by the same woodsman who the queen from the Snow White fairy tale ordered to murder Snow White and bring her heart back as evidence of the deed. The huntsman in that tale couldn’t do the dirty deed and instead killed a buck and brought its heart to the queen.

Now the world wonders where this heart came from. Could there be somewhere in Transylvania a poor vampire who got surprised in his coffin by daylight, and had his heart removed by something other than a wooden stake? Or was the heart ripped from an unknown and unsuspecting donor who is now roaming the Washington D.C. area zombie-like searching for his missing organ?

This magazine welcomes your theories as to the identity of the unknown donor. We know it wasn’t Hitler, because his body was never found. So, just whose heart was it?

Reported by Humor Times Senior Mystery Correspondent Roger Freed

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Romney Chooses Running Mate: ‘My Enforcer, Ted Nugent’

Hookers Downgrade US Credit Rating

‘If they don’t like it, they can suck on this!’ – Nugent, clutching machine gun

Shortchanging by Secret Service Draws Strong Rebuke

A Humor Times exclusive report Then ol’ Willard better watch his back!”

Mitt Romney shocked political pundits everyAsked about his rhetoric at the NRA meeting, where when he named Ted Nugent as his running which seemed to threaten Obama and other Demmate today, at a NRA rally in St. ocrats, Nugent responded, “I’m Louis. The presumed Republinot like those America-hating can presidential nominee promlefties, I love this country, I just ised “a new day and a new way hate the half that votes Demoin Washington,” as he spoke at crat. Those vile, sub-hu man the follow-up event to the anscoundrels should be shot. And nual NRA meeting held there. that’s what I love about free“As my ‘enforcer,’ Ted Nudom, you’re free to agree with Mitt Romney: “Talk to the hand!” gent will add some real muscle me or get a hole in the head.” to a Romney administration, helping to get my “Hey, I’ve been cleared by the Secret Service,” agenda passed unmolested. Congressmen on ei- Nugent said. Those guys are my bros, like our ther side will have to think twice about coming un- fighting men overseas. I just wish I could’ve gone der fire from this guy – metaphorically speaking, to Vietnam, but I had important musical work to of course,” winked Romney to loud cheers from do, and groupies to satisfy. That was my sacrifice the rowdy pro-gun crowd. for America. You’re welcome."

“And to those who will say I’m bringing Ted “Americans should know that having Ted on aboard just to cement the support of the rabid the team will save taxpayers money. He’ll be right-wing Tea Party base, I say, talk to the hand!” packing enough heat to replace ten Secret Service Romney added, waving a pistol. agents,” said Matt Rhoades, Romney’s campaign “I’m going to Washington, so get used to it!” manager.

Nugent shouted after Romney made announce“And he has no problem getting all the action ment. “All you phony lefty traitors, watch out! he wants from groupies, he won’t be causing probThe Nuge is here, so quake in fear!” lems there,” he added, referring to the recent Se“We’re going to get every single one of my cret Service sex scandal. man Mitt’s initiatives passed, or there will be hell “Besides, those Service guys like him, and are to pay,” he said. “Unless he tries to sneak one by looking forward to working with him to plot me, like something helping those damn Mormons. against O–, I mean, to help with protection."

Look in the Sky … It’s Mayor Cory Booker!

Recently released FBI statistics show that told reporters. crime in Newark New Jersey has plummeted 75 Not all of the mayor’s heroics have involved percent ever since Mayor Cory Booker began his physical danger. Last month when his official car one-man night patrols around the once dangerous was stuck in traffic on the GW Bridge, Mr. Booker city. Equipped with nothing but handcuffs, his noticed a vehicle stopped on the shoulder. honor fearlessly faces off against Inside the stopped vehicle was a murderers, drug-dealers and thieves. woman in labor. After retrieving a Last week alone he foiled six armed first aid kit, the mayor guided the robberies and two car jackings. woman through the delivery of a “As a safety measure we tried healthy nine-pound boy, subsehaving a police car secretly tail the quently named Cory.

Mayor during his patrols,” said DeSports fans got a taste of Mr. tective Alex Rodriguez, a member Booker’s heroism in a recent game of Mr. Booker’s security detail. “But at the Prudential Center, when the he saw what was happening and mayor came out of the stands in the Mayor Booker: Some fear fourth quarter to score 25 points shook the vehicle by scaling a buildin g an d ju m p in g f rom roof- he may turn into the Hulk. for the N e ts , in c lud ing t he top-to-rooftop.” game-winning three-pointer in overtime.

At a press conference called to announce the “I’ve never been around such an inspirational capture of several kilos of cocaine from a drug player before,” said Nets coach Avery Johnson. ring that he single-handedly put out of business, “And to think he did all this while wearing dress Mayor Booker addressed his crime-fighting. “I shoes.” wish I could do more to help our police force, but Reported by Humor Times Senior Super Politimy day job doesn’t leave me much free time,” he cian Correspondent Ben Krull

Ann Romney Offered Job as Latest ‘Real Housewife’ on Bravo The Bravo network has reportedly offered Ann Romney a chance to become the latest real housewife to appear in their wildly popular reality series Real Housewives.

The offer comes on the heels of Mrs. Romney’s tiff with Hilary Rosen regarding what constitutes a working woman. While Ann Romney claims she has worked hard raising five boys as a stay-at-home mom, some women voters believe there is a real disconnect when it comes to Romney understanding just how difficult it is for a majority of moms who work outside the home and raise a family.

“A few of us work ing moms at Bravo

14

thought what a great idea it would be to give Ann Romney a chance to experience what it is really like to work outside the home,” said Hannah Diverston, one of the people in charge of creating new shows for the reality network.

“The only problem we have now,” said Diverston, “is figuring out which program to showcase Mrs. Romney on.”

Of their many mansions, the Romney’s La Jolla home would qualify her to join the cast on either The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or Orange County. “And then there is the election in November,” said Diverston.

“There’s always a chance of Mitt Romney

be com ing our next Pres i dent, if he can shore up the much needed women’s vote,” she said with a wink.

“In that case, we were thinking what a great opportunity to breathe life back into the The Real Housewives of DC,” the only show in The Real Housewives series, says Diverston, that didn’t get renewed for a second season.

“I’m sure Ann Romney will create quite a stir no matter what cast she lands on,” said a jubilant Diverston.

Reported by P. Beckert, Humor Times

HUMOR TIMES

NEW YORK – Days after Secret Service agents shortchanged a group of prostitutes in Colombia, the international trade group representing hookers downgraded the United States’ credit rating from AAA to B. The strong rebuke from the International Alliance of Professional Escorts (IAPE) came after a Secret Service agent reportedly paid one of its members $30 for an $800 service.

A statement from the IAPE said that it was sending a clear message that its “members should be aware that doing business with the US government carries with it a significant risk.”

Just hours after the announcement from the escorts’ group, the U.S. Congress passed the following resolution blasting the Secret Service for its actions: “We strongly denounce the Secret Service for consorting with prostitutes, which has traditionally been Congress’s role.”

But it was not all bad news this week for the Secret Service, which today reported a 5000% jump in enlistment.

The agency said that enlistment offices across the country have been packed with prospective agents, including House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who abruptly dropped out of the Presidential race to join.

Andy Borowitz, www.borowitzreport.com

In Controversial Decision, Supreme Court Replaces Annual Physicals with Strip Searches Major Expansion of Police Officers’ Role WASHINGTON – In a stunning decision on the future of healthcare in America, the Supreme Court de cided to day that an nual physicals were unconstitutional and should be replaced by random strip searches conducted by the nation’s police.

The decision, which appeared to expand the role of the police to include such duties as performing breast and prostate exams, took many in both the healthcare and law enforcement communities by surprise.

Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote, “While the Constitution makes no provisions for healthcare, it explicitly defends the people’s right to form militias; clearly, the Founders believed that if anyone should be looking up our asses it shouldn’t be a doctor, but someone with a gun.”

By replacing annual checkups with random strip searches, the Court raised worries in the healthcare community that patients would not get the care they need, but those concerns were brushed aside by Justice Samuel Alito.

“Ultimately, the responsibility to secure adequate medical attention falls to the citizen,” he said. “When a policeman is searching his body cavities, for example, it’s up to the citizen to say, ‘There’s a mole I’d like you to look at.’”

Justice Clarence Thomas wrote that he was personally ready for a random strip search/exam at any moment, adding, “I’ve got nothing on under this robe.”

Andy Borowitz, www.borowitzreport.com

May, 2012

War on Women

War on the Environment

Democrats took a lot of flack for Hilary Rosen’s comments...

The anniversary of the gulf spill brought renewed interest...

about Ann Romney who defended herself...

gas prices are affecting commuters...

but the nation’s women will have the final word. and Earth Day was celebrated.

May, 2012

HUMOR TIMES

15

Grand Old Panderers The long battle finally wound down...

as the inevitable became clear to all but a few.

Finally, Santorum hung it up... but Newt pledged to go all the way.

Romney is already looking for his running mate... and he’ll need to reflect on it.

16

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2012

Hope for No Change Obama has had a tough uphill slog lately...

trying to get his message across.

He has disappointed many on the left... with a cavalier attitude toward civil rights.

And everything his campaign has tried... has come back to bite him.

May, 2012

HUMOR TIMES

17

American Nightmare The economy showed signs of rebounding...

but not so much for the average American.

and don’t really care for his proposals.

Republicans blame Obama for everything...

Meanwhile, people aren’t sure what to think...

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and are hoping for someone they can trust.

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2012

Argus Sez Spirit Airlines jumped on the Secret Service hooker scan dal by offer ing twenty-dol lar flights to Cartagena. The scandal's had a worldwide impact. In order to compete, Las Vegas hotels made all their pools topless and started putting cocaine under the pillows.

Colombian hooker Dania Suarez admitted she ignited the Secret Service sex scandal. She's one of twenty hookers who made two hundred dollars an hour at the party. Four years ago President Obama promised better-paying jobs for women, and he delivered.

The Secret Service agent fired in the hotel scandal posted online about his lust for Sarah Palin while he was protecting her four years ago. The agent said he looked her up and down and liked what he saw. When a woman wears a business suit, what does she expect to happen?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus drew critical raves for HBO's new sitcom, Veep. She plays a hapless U.S. vice president who's sabotaged by a treacherous staff. The producer had to audition everybody in Hollywood to find a vice president that's funnier than Joe Biden.

India announced it test-launched an ICBM missile that delivered a payload on target, increasing tensions in the region. India, Egypt, Israel, Paki stan and China all have nuclear bombs. The British never remember to clean out the closet before they leave.

Rocker Ted Nugent met with the Secret Service to assure agents he was not threatening the president when he urged the NRA convention to behead him. It wasn't a serious threat. Rockers from his generation only bite the heads off of bats, not presidents.

President Obama campaigned in Michigan where he reminded voters that he was not born

Jeanie Keltner

“Intelligent Talk”

with a silver spoon in his mouth. That's not quite the whole story. Barack Obama was not born with a silver spoon in his mouth, it was a Chocolate Labrador.

Mitt Romney bristled after President Obama said he wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Who had it easier? While Mitt Romney was having to hit a three-iron out of the rough into a cold north wind in Michigan, Barack Obama grew up playing golf in Hawaii.

Mitt Romney visited an empty factory in Ohio which closed during the Bush presidency and blamed its ongoing idleness on Obama. You can't revive a factory that's in a dying industry. It manufactured alarm clocks for people who need to get up and go to work in the morning.

“Ron Paul: the Road to Revolution” is a new video game invented by a Texas computer engineer. The inventor said his purpose is to make liberty action-packed and sexy. When you drive your car over the prostitute on the corner she holds up a Don't Tread on Me sign.

JFK Airport had another bird strike when geese flew into the right engine of a Delta airliner, forcing the captain to abort the flight after take-off and make an emergency landing. The competition is riveting. After ten years the Canadian geese and al-Qaeda are tied at three planes apiece.

The U.S. Senate passed a bill requiring black boxes in all new cars which would record data to trace the cause of car accidents. What's the point? Unless you put your smart phone in the black box before you start the car it's not going to prevent accidents.

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May, 2012

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19

Miscellaneous Mischief

20

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2012

May, 2012

HUMOR TIMES

21

Parting Shots Romney & Obama are ready to square off...

Setter on the Roof

ROZ WARREN

By Roz Warren and Janet Golden When I read that Mitt Romney had once driven for twelve hours with the terrified family dog, an Irish Setter, caged on the roof of his car, this lyric, to the tune of “Fiddler on the Roof” popped into my head: What does it mean, this Setter on the roof Who whimpers through the morn and then all afternoon What kind of nudnick chooses such a way To schlep a much-loved family pet?

On top of a Caddy Racing down the pike I spied Mitt’s poor doggy.

He was pooping with fright.

(Actually, the car was a station wagon. But “Caddy” scanned better, and given the number of Cadillacs owned by the Romneys, we figured we could use our artistic license to borrow one.)

Next, Janet reworked “Old Yeller” into:

Setter on the RoofThat’s just the way my mind works.

Apparently my pal Janet’s mind works the same way, bec a u s e wh e n I emailed my new lyric to her, she came right back with:

backed by millions of dollars of “speech”...

The dog was no mongrel.

Just a freaked out Irish setter.

Caged, not free. Not a Bain Trustee.

But up on the roof he could spew it.

And prove there’s nothing to it.

And that’s how a good dog should be.

How much was that dog gie on the car roof?

The one with the PAC money dad How much was that dog gie on the car roof?

I wonder why he looks so sad.

Mitt! Mitt! Mitt! Mitt!

At which point, we put our heads together to rewrite the Elvis classic “Hound Dog:”

After which we both decided it was time to stop. But we’ll leave you with this:

You ain’t nothing but a roof dog.

Crying all the time.

You ain’t nothing but a roof dog.

Crying all the time.

You won’t ever cast a vote, pal So you ain’t no friend of mine.

After that, “On Top Of Old Smokey” quickly became:

And I turned “Who Let The Dogs Out” into: Who caged the dog up?

A dog caged on the roof.

A most unhappy sight.

It may not mean a thing But we think it just might.

(Note: Roz and Janet wish to thank their muse for this piece, the incomparable Gail Collins.)

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May, 2012

Big Monkey Comic

May, 2012

By Jason Coe & Hugo Camacho

HUMOR TIMES

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