Humor Times, June 2012

“I was wise enough to never grow up while fooling most people into believing I had.” – Margaret Mead

Issue #246

June, 2012

Don’t Cry About the News, Laugh About It! Formerly the Comic Press News

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21+ Years of the Very Best in Political Satire w w w . H u m o r T i m e s . c o m

Editor’s Letter

Special to Humor Times Readers Only!

Bizarro is Back!

We have been trying a new cartoon on the inside back cover for the last three issues, Big Monkey Comic. We felt Bizarro was pretty much everywhere and thought our readers might like to see something else there.

Boy, were we wrong! We can take a hint. So, by popular demand, Bizarro is back, in it’s good old time-honored spot. We’re keeping Big Monkey around, though, and put a few cartoons on page 22.

Thank you for the feedback. We aim to please! Your opinions, suggestions and comments are always welcome! Our contact info is in the staff box, below this letter.

Summer Whitewater Rafting Trip

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Do You Need a Website or a Website Manager?

If you’ve got a business, or a band, or whatever, and need a website – or have one and just need someone to manage it – please consider hiring me! It doesn’t matter where you live, a website is universal, and you don’t really need someone local to do it for you.

If you already have one and you’ve been working it yourself, you know how time consuming it can be. It can take valuable hours away from work you need to do for your business. So, the solution could be to hire someone to maintain it for you.

I can also come up with some ideas for improving your website, making it more appealing, easier to navigate and faster. I do SEO and social media work as well, to help bring your site more traffic, resulting ultimately in more sales for your business!

I’ve been working on websites for years now – including our own HumorTimes.com, of course – and could use the extra work. This newspaper biz isn’t exactly making me rich, if you know what I mean! It’s a labor of love, and it’s doing OK, and I plan on keeping it going for as long as I can, so don’t you worry about that.

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So if you’re in need of some website work, or consultation for it, or know anyone who is in the market for it, I hope you’ll get in touch. You know where to reach me.

Thank you!

– James Israel, Publisher/editor

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 21, Issue 246, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3127 Broadway, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217.

Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, P. Beckert, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, Ben Krull, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2012. No part may be reproduced without permission.

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June, 2012

HUMOR TIMES

3

Equality: Very Controversial!

Just as N. Carolina passed an anti-gay marriage bill...

the prez gave hope to the movement for equality.

Predictably, he’s taking a lot of heat for it...

but he’s also been able to use it to good effect...

and got a hero’s welcome at Clooney’s big Hollywood bash.

It would actually be good for the economy. (continued)

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HUMOR TIMES

June, 2012

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Predicted Romney Endorsements And Lukewarm Was His Name-O You don’t need a psychoanalyst to detect the latent theme running through the endorsements currently showering Mitt Romney like broken rain gutters pouring down on a concrete toadstool.

And that premise is ennui. “Mitt? Really? Yeah. Okay. Whatever.” Makes tepid sound like a crazed bellow. With wild enthusiasm as MIA as World Series trophies in the Wrigley Field display case. Within the last 104 years, that is.

Someone should warn NASA because we are approaching stratospheric heights of apathy here. The only thing these highly solicited testimonials have accomplished is given a face to listless. The guy needs industrial-strength hip waders to slog through the thigh-high lethargy.

George W. Bush carved a precious three seconds out of his busy schedule to make a momentous announcement from the inside of an elevator telling an ABC news crew, “I’m for Mitt Romney” as the doors closed on him. Not that the candidate-in-waiting was particularly lusting after 44’s imprimatur, which some might call the Kiss of Campaign Death. But it effectively does nail down the eminently sought-after spoiled rich kid vote.

Rick Santorum got around to his ringing endorsement 13 paragraphs into a 16-paragraph email sent out to supporters after midnight. The only subterfuge he neglected to employ was to disguise it in semaphoric code. And these are Romney’s big-time Republican buddies. You’d think they were having their teeth

pulled with families held at gunpoint on a listing catwalk yawning over an erupting caldera.

It’s been like that ever since the nominee became presumptive.

Politicians oozing from the woodwork with the same kind of energetic frenzy fifth-grade school girls normally reserve for haggis-flavored ice cream studded with garlic pickle chips.

You got to know this is just the beginning of a series of sluggishly recalcitrant pledges of approbation. Here are some other passion-challenged endorsements we can expect over the coming weeks: “Mitt Romney. Had to go with somebody, right?”

“Not the brainwashed Romney. That was his dad.”

“Only two of Mitt Romney’s five sons think he’s a soulless Cyborg.”

“May be out of touch with the mainstream but looks pretty good tanning on the embankment.”

“Mitt Romney. Hey, it could be worse.”

“Not the kind of guy who would hold you down and cut your hair, unless you really were asking for it.”

“Pretty down to earth for someone building a 57-room mansion with a car elevator.”

“Will do for America what he did for Bain Capital.”

“Survived the mean streets of Bloomfield Hills.”

“Hardly ever sneaks out at night to kick homeless guys. Anymore.”

“A man who stands by his previous statements, no matter what

WILL DURST

they are.”

“Mormons are just like Christians, aren’t they?”

“Mitt Romney. Not that bad, when you consider the alternatives.”

“He’s no John McCain.”

“Going to make the world safe for rich people.”

“Mitt Romney. When good things happen to bland people.”

“He’s Oxymormonic!”

“Hasn’t strapped a dog to the roof of his car in over 28 years.”

“Mitt Romney. He’s got gas money.”

“Never ridden a bus in his entire life.”

“Looks more like Gordon Gekko than Michael Douglas ever did.”

“Mitt Romney. A man who feels strongly about both sides of many issues.”

Evoluting Fabulously A thousand rainbows of congratulations to Barack Obama for bursting out of his own personal policy closet and fabulously proclaiming he believes “same sex couples should be able to get married.” Sir! Welcome to the third year of the second decade of the 21st century, sir! You also might want to check out some of the strides we’ve been making in communications.

The president went on to explain he was slow in using his powers for good because it had taken a while for those thoughts to go Darwinian. Sadly, he stopped short of endorsing transmutation and neglected to hail Hugh Jackman as the best entertainer on the face of the PLANET! What we witnessed was no eon eating, natural selection-type evolution; this native political animal spontaneously grew flippers and walked on dry land, prodded only by a nudge from the Biden fossil. Come to think of it, maybe flippers aren’t the only body parts BHO grew.

You might even call it a chrysalis, with a caterpillar emerging from its cautious cocoon to sprout wings and fly to a lonely position atop the moral high ground previously inhabited by such dispa rate den i zens as Tammy Baldwin, Bar ney Frank and, unaccountably, Dick Cheney. Facing extinction.

As predictable as a brush-back pitch following a grand slam, Republicans began to howl from eight different vantages. One right-wing rag claimed he “Buckled” on the issue. Others called him the First Waffler. Might be difficult to hide Mitt Romney’s 8000 waffles behind this big one of Obama’s, but they’ll give it the old prep-school try.

Besides, isn’t a waffle when you expediently move to a more popular position to curry votes? Meaning this swing-state polarizer is the exact opposite of a waffle. More of an elffaw. Which is waffle backwards. A polf-pilf. Or a yrrek.

Rush Limbaugh jumped into the fray accusing Obama of waging a “War on Marriage.” Everything’s a “War” with this guy. Bet he calls breakfast a War on Pancakes. Not to mention being a tad disingenuous coming from a multi-millionaire who hired Elton John to sing at his fourth wedding.

The president’s supporters worry he offended the black church-going community, one of his inviolate bases. But come on, really? Don’t you suspect he could be caught naked in a dumpster with a goat and a Portuguese seamstress and still carry the black church-go ing com munity? Just the goat? Male seamstress?

Opening a conspiratorial can of mutating worms, it has been suggested someone at The Washington Post leaked the Mitt Romney high school gay-pranking story and Obama knew he had to poop or get off the pot before it hit. Adding to Romney’s image problems: do we really want him tackling Belgium and cutting off its hair because he didn’t like the way it looked?

Michelle Obama’s husband disavowed any desire to legalize gay marriage on a federal level, maintaining it should be a states-rights issue. Of course, interracial marriage was illegal in 16 states until a Supreme Court decision in 1967 and some people still consider that an abomination. Guess who’s whining about this? Same marine invertebrates.

Fine. Let all gay people move to California. We’ll take ‘em.

Then just try to get your hair cut in Mississippi. Or take ballet lessons in Montana. Or raise money in D.C. And that right there might be the origin of the species.

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HUMOR TIMES

June, 2012

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Economic Outlook Crushing debt has taken a huge bite out of the world economy...

It’s starting to get pretty scary...

as austerity ‘cures’ look worse than the disease.

College grads are feeling the tug...

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causing it to slip into a coma.

and their futures don’t seem so bright. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2012

There’s an awful lot of paranoia surrounding the future of Social Security...

but some say we don’t need to do anything.

As states struggle to survive, however...

June, 2012

Still others seem addicted to the thrill of doom.

some lucky folks are unperturbed by the bad economy.

HUMOR TIMES

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What They’re Saying I wish President Obama would draw the obvious connection between Bain Capital and JPMorgan Chase.

That way his so-called “attack” on private equity is neither a personal attack on Mitt Romney nor a generalized attack on American business.

It’s an attack on a particular kind of capitalism... the substitution of casino capitalism for real capitalism, the dominance of the betting parlor over the real business of America, financial innovation rather than product innovation...

As a practical matter, the Volcker Rule is hopeless. It was intended to be Glass-Steagall lite — a more nuanced version of the original Depression-era law that separated commercial from investment banking. But JPMorgan has proven that any nuance — any exception — will be stretched beyond recognition...

There’s no al ter na tive but to res ur rect Glass-Steagall as a whole. Even then, the biggest banks are still too big to fail or to regulate.

We also need to heed the recent advice of the Dallas branch of the Federal Reserve, and break them up.

At the same time, there’s no point to the “carried interest” loophole that allows private-equity managers like Mitt Romney to treat their incomes as capital gains, taxed at only 15 percent, when they’ve risked no money of their own.

— Robert Reich, 22 May 12 The most powerful argument for [filibuster] reform is that Congress is less and less able to do the most basic work of governing. “The Senate has ceased to be a functioning organization,” says Gregory Kroger, a University of Miami political scientist and [filibuster expert].

The last week has brought two pieces of good news. On Monday, Common Cause filed a lawsuit asserting that the filibuster was unconstitutional. Legal scholars differ on the strength of the case, but whatever its merits the lawsuit will draw attention to the problem.

The other, more significant, event is Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s apology on the Senate floor for not supporting the group of young Democratic senators who pushed for reform last year. Should Reid decide to act, the prospect of addressing the biggest problem plaguing Washington would become more than fantasy.

— Joshua Green, boston.com, 5/18/12 As for healthcare, the role of the filibuster is more per ni cious... Obama, Ed wards, and Clinton’s health care plans were all very similar because they all came out of the Washington consensus that had built up about what could conceivably pass into law rather than what would be the best way of creating a universal system. But the calculus of what could pass was done with the full knowledge that nothing would pass with less than 60 votes. In other words, just by existing, the filibuster took a single-payer system out of the conversation and out of the consciousness of the nations’s best health care thinkers....

The truth is, if Washington hadn’t had to deal with the filibuster, the whole health care debate would have been different. Obama and Clinton and Edwards would have been calling for single-payer or would have lost to a candidate who was talking about it. The president would have been able to craft a plausible platform with progressive solutions and still be taken seriously. And he could have passed everything on his agenda in the first two years in office.

— Booman, boomantribune.com, 5/22/12

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The Hightower Lowdown Anheuser-Busch, Drunk on Greed Big brew ers like Anheuser-Busch frequently admonish us imbibers of their grain products to “drink responsibly.” Well, I say back to them: Lobby responsibly.

In particular, I point to a disgusting binge of besotted lobbying by Anheuser-Busch (now owned by the Bel gian beer con glom er ate InBev) and other beer barons this year in the Nebraska legislature.

At issue was the “town” of Whiteclay, smack dab on the Nebraska-South Dakota border. I put “town” in quotes because only 10 people live there — but it is home to four beer stores. Why? Because right across the state line is the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation of the Oglala Sioux tribe, which has a devastating problem of alcohol addiction among its 20,000 mem bers, com bined with in trac ta ble and dispiriting poverty.

Whiteclay exists solely so booze peddlers can profit from the Oglala tribe’s addiction miseries. They sell more than 4 million cans of beer a year to Pine Ridge residents! This includes literally making a killing by peddling high-alcohol malt liquors, such as Busch’s aptly named “Hur ri cane High.” So much for “Drink responsibly.”

A fourth of the children on the reservation are born with fetal alcohol birth defects. Life expectancy of tribal members is less than 50 years. And more than 90 percent of the violent crime on the reservation is attributed to drunkenness. On Pine Ridge itself, the tribe bans the

sale and con sump tion of al co hol — the Whiteclay stores, positioned only a short walk away, are the source of the addictive drug and its consequences.

Responding to this grotesque exploitation of an epidemic illness, Republican state Sen. LeRoy Louden introduced LB 829 this year, a modest bill to designate Whiteclay as an “alcohol impact zone.” Used successfully in Tennessee, Washington state and elsewhere, these zones allow authorities to take such steps as limiting store hours and high-alcohol beers. Of course, Busch and its other beer buddies lobbied responsibly by backing the bill, right?

Ha! Like gators on a poodle, their lobbyists leapt on the legislature, calling in chits from key lawmakers (who’d taken thousands of dollars in campaign cash from the industry) to kill the bill.

Tyson Larson, one of the senators inebriated with beer money, sputtered his opposition to LB 829 with this stunningly obtuse declaration: “We’re not here to protect people from themselves.” Surely that was beer talking.

Then there’s Russ Karpisek, chair of the Senate committee handling the bill. He tried to rationalize his opposition by pitting Pine Ridge citizens against Nebraskans whom he said were worried that if Whiteclay were restricted, the beermongers might simply move the problem 40 miles or so down the road.

Even he had to admit that this was, at best, a flimsy excuse for doing nothing. When some asked Karpisek, “Well, if you had a crack house

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OF A GOOD DOSE OF POLITICAL SATIRE! HUMOR TIMES

JIM HIGHTOWER across the street, wouldn’t you want to do something about it, even if it might pop up somewhere else the next day?” The chairman frankly conceded, “I didn’t have a good answer for that.”

But who needs log i cal an swers when Anheuser-Busch alone has put $4,000 in your political pocket? Karpisek dutifully refused even to let the bill out of his committee for a vote.

Nebraska legislators did, however, approve one piece of liquor reform legislation before adjourning on April 18. They voted to lift the statewide prohibition against Sunday morning alcohol sales. Just what the Oglala tribe needs — a few more hours of wide-open beer sales in Whiteclay.

The tribal council, fed up with the disrespect and lack of action from legislators, despite years of appeals and protests, has filed a landmark $500 million federal lawsuit against Anheuser-Busch, three other big brewers and Whiteclay’s four beer stores.

Even a big monetary award, however, can’t scrub the shame off the corporations and pusillanimous legislators who have created and maintained this outrageous affront to human decency. There must certainly be an especially hot barstool in hell reserved for them.

Use the form on page 3, or SAVE A BUCK by going online to www.humortimes.com!

June, 2012

The Obaminator The Big “O” is back in campaign mode... and hoping for a repeat.

He never knows what his VP will say next... but it all seems to work out in the end.

He’s got distractions of his own... and some of them are a real drag.

June, 2012

HUMOR TIMES

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

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by Jon Carter

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“We Report, You Decry!”

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

American Made Product Found at Thrift Store

New Bill Would Put Legislation Up for Auction, Help Pay Down Debt

“What a thrill!” says customer

Speaker Boehner: ‘We already let lobbyists write legislation, so why not make something off it?’

GARY, IN — Helen Schrum was putting a new box of tissues inside an old plastic tissue box holder she bought last month at the Salvation Army when she noticed an odd label inside. The label read “Made in America.” She claims it was the first such label she’d ever remembered seeing.

A Humor Times Special Report Congress is currently debating the “Fair Pay for Fair Laws Act” in the Senate and a companion bill in the House, called the “Pay to Rule Act.” The legislation would make it possible for Congress to auction off the right to write the nation’s laws to the highest bidder.

The proposed bill it self was orig i nally drafted by ALEC (the American Legisla tive Ex change Coun cil), which has authored many bills in the past, but had to go through the cumbersome process of bribing Congressional representatives to pass it.

“This bill streamlines the process,” said House Majority Leader, Republican Eric Cantor, at a press conference at the Capitol building this morning, “leaving us more time for the important things – holding fundraisers, for example, and later, wining and dining the biggest donors.”

Asked if the process is really good for democracy, Cantor replied, “‘What is good for huge corporations,’ to paraphrase the old saying, ‘is good for America.’”

This new legislative effort to “strengthen America by strengthening our corporate allies,” as Speaker of the House John Boehner put it, comes on the heels of last year’s November announce-

Rare American-made item recently found here.

Site where elusive American-made product was recently found.

“I never would have guessed,” said Schrum. “It looked every bit like a Chinese knock off. White opaque lucite plastic with colorful fishes printed on the side. I never noticed the label before. For some reason, I was convinced I’d gotten it at a local discount store someplace and that it was made in China.”

After some online research, Schrum, who is 31, learned that back in the not-so-distant past, products such as her handy tissue box holder were actually made right here in America. She also learned that approximately 65% of the used products being offered in America’s thrift stores have “Made in America” stamped on them.

“When I saw that label, something inside me jumped for joy,” said Schrum.

“At some point in history, Americans were able to produce a quality product without help from the Chinese, Malaysians, Japanese…hell, just about every other country out there,” she said enthusiastically.

Schrum says finding that tissue box holder has changed the way she looks at America.

“While I’ll still buy most of my stuff from the discount stores, I’ll at least do it with a bit more pride, knowing that there was a time when American made plastic stuff was way better than Chinese stuff.”

– Humor Times Senior Thrift Store Correspondent, P. Beckert.

ment by the multi-billionaire Koch brothers, when they promised to “retool” Congress in the coming election cycle. “We are improving our product line, and we pledge to America that we will install the very best government money c a n buy,” the Kochs proclaimed at the time.

“It’s all about investment.

It is clear that nothing gets done on Capitol Hill without capital,” said Cantor. “That’s the American way. So we’re just codifying it, and preparing the way to make our legislative process work much more efficiently.”

Ben Nelson, the only Democratic Senator to back the bill said, “Why not let the market openly decide, as it should decide everything?”

“Also, I’m quitting after this term, and backing this bill will guarantee me a cushy lobbying job.”

Moderate Democrats in both houses, however, say it’s not a fair deal for America. “The amount of profit that would accrue from the law as proposed is minuscule,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “Americans demand to know their government is not selling them out too cheaply.”

But Boehner wants to hold the line. “These are the job cre ators,” he said, shed ding a tear.

“Haven’t they already given enough?”

John Edwards Impregnates Juror Numbers 2, 5, 6, 9 & 11 GREENSBORO, NC – In a shocking turn of events at the John Edwards criminal trial, it has been revealed that the defendant has impregnated all five female members of the jury. The other seven members of the jury include six men and one transgender person whom Ed wards re port edly attempted to impregnate.

Jurors number 2, 5, 6, 9 and 11 have all been conEdwards’ good looks firmed to be preg nant problematic for court. with John Edwards’ child.

In addition to the pregnancies, each of the women contributed money to Edwards’ legal defense fund, two gave him money for an as yet unannounced run for public office, and one gave him her family’s houseboat.

Prosecutors are now unsure how to proceed.

“We believe we have a strong case against Mr. Ed wards,” said pros e cut ing at tor ney Mar tin Douglas. “Now we just have to figure out if impregnating five of our jurors will make them more

sympathetic to the defendant or less. I have not had a lot of experience with women, but I am inclined to believe it is less.”

Court officials were shocked and outraged that Edwards gained ac cess to the jury pool and launched an official investigation into the matter.

After careful consideration of all the facts and evidence, they determined that the lapse in security occurred due to John Edwards outrageous good looks and unending charm. “We take the integrity of our juries very seriously,” said court officer Marcus Hamilton. “But there is only so much you can do when you’re dealing with those boyish good looks, windswept hair and devilish smile.

Don’t tell my wife, but I wouldn’t mind having a crack at that dude.”

As the issues of the case and the tainted jury pool are worked out, former President BIll Clinton has offered a helping hand. “As everyone knows, I believe in the justice system,” said Clinton.

“Therefore, I offer my assistance in vetting this jury pool. I think I am singularly qualified to figure out just how slutty these jurors are.”

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

Romney Campaign to Use Retardants to Avoid Pants Catching Fire The Romn ey camp announced today that it is sparing no expense in maintaining the safety of their can di date dur ing the months leading up to Romney: “Scout’s the Presidential election honor.” in November. In particular, it was decided that Romney’s chief tailor will now be required to use fire-retardant fabrics in crafting the candidate’s wardrobe.

“Many of Mitt’s closest advisers worry that with all the falsehoods he is going to have to tell in order to garner the majority of the vote, his

14

pants actually could catch fire,” said Josie Carmichael, Romney’s top fashion stylist.

The fabrics, which are carbon-based, will be used to line all of Mitt Romney’s suits. In addition, just to be safe, his tailor has been asked to create a line of fire-retardant underwear.

The decision was made this week after Romney told a Cleveland reporter that he was comfortable taking credit for the auto industry’s comeback. “We know, and he knows, that simply wasn’t true,” said one of Romney’s closest advisers, Hal Thurston. “We took a heck of a chance letting him go out there and lie like that without protection.”

While Romney got away with a whopper this time, the campaign felt it was just too risky to not take some sort of action.

“It was either start telling the truth or find a way to protect Mitt while allowing him to continue telling falsehoods,” said Thurston. “Obviously, you don’t win by telling the truth.”

In addition to making the changes to Romney’s wardrobe, extra precautions will now be taken to ensure that the seating in each of the venues Romney visits will have flame-retardant furniture to protect the dozen or so people who show up to hear his speeches.

– HT Wardrobe Correspondent, P. Beckert

HUMOR TIMES

Greece No Longer a Nation; Announces Plan to Become Social Network IPO Imminent for FetaBook ATHENS – After struggling for months with an in trac ta ble fi nan cial cri sis, Greece announced today that it would cease to exist as a sovereign nat i on and would instead reboot itself as a so cial network.

The new en tity, FetaBook, is ex pected to raise much-needed billions in an upcoming IPO. The so cial net work for merly known as Greece announced that it would cancel its upcoming elections and instead install a CEO, a 24-year-old hacker from subur ban Ath ens named Ciro Mavromatidis.

Speaking from the newly opened offices of FetaBook, Mr. Mavromatidis explained how the social network would be attractive to the investment community in ways that Greece was not.

“We’re keeping all the aspects of Greece that made it a cool brand – the ruins, the Olympics, the olives,” he said. “We’re just losing the things that were a drag on the Greek economy: namely, the Greeks.”

He said under the new plan, all Greeks would cease to be citizens of Greece and would instead become friends of FetaBook: “They won’t receive any benefits anymore, but they’ll be able to grow all the imaginary food they want.”

Mr. Mavromatidis said that by converting from a nation to a social network, FetaBook will enjoy other cost savings as well.

“We Greeks waste billions of dollars a year smashing plates after meals,” he said. “Now that’s going to be done by an app.”

Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com

Romney Pays Surprise Visit to His Money in the Caymans No Timetable for Withdrawal, Says Presumptive Nominee CAYMAN ISLANDS – In an uncharacteristically emotional scene for the presumptive GOP nominee, Mitt Romney today paid a surprise visit to his money in the Cayman Islands.

Speaking in a bank vault surrounded by stacks of cash, Mr. Romney praised his money for “the brave work you have done in the never-ending fight for freedom from Federal income tax.” In a reference to his bid for the Presidency, Mr. Romney told his money, “It would be an honor and a privilege to have my face on you someday.”

“Thanks to your hard work, losers around the world are envious of me,” he added. “For that I salute you.”

Stressing that his money’s mission in the Caymans was “far from over,” he refused to set any timetable for withdrawal.

After plunging into the stacks of cash to touch many of the dollar bills individually, Mr. Romney boarded his private jet to pay a surprise visit to Switzerland.

In other political news, Newt Gingrich suspended his presidential bid, telling reporters: “A campaign is like a wife. When it’s on life-support, it’s time to leave.”

Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com

June, 2012

The High Life Sometimes even the best laid plans get washed up... but it’s usually the fault of pesky regulators.

Wall Street knows how to run the rat race... and their overseers agree there’s no need for concern.

Sure, they’re gambling with house money... but they insist they are now being very careful with their funds.

June, 2012

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Presumed Nominee

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As the last Romney opponent saw his dream vanish...

it was obvious that it was a lost cause.

So the Mittster was duly beknighted...

and he promised he’d make a faithful president.

His past behavior caused some embarrassment...

but he finally felt accepted by his own party. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2012

So Romney is making a list and checking it twice...

He began collecting important endorsements...

but he knows he’s in for a big challenge.

some from very surprising quarters.

Meanwhile, the tea party is still a force to be reckoned with, as moderate Republicans find they are relics within their own party.

June, 2012

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Crash & Burn It began with risky trades gone terribly wrong... and it’s ending with whole societies paying the price.

Greece may not be able to stay in the Euro club...

and the French can’t decide what to do.

The dominant say the weak need to try harder... but they’ve been squeezed to the breaking point.

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HUMOR TIMES

June, 2012

Argus Sez Donna Summer died May 18th, saddening Baby Boomers who danced at discos to her songs in the Seventies. What an era. Every night we’d wave our arms and sway to the red, white and blue flashing lights, and that was just the sobriety test on the way home.

The Census Bureau reported that half of U.S. babies belong to a minority group. It’s huge news. Democrats called it the end of white rule in America and Republicans sent a memo to private schools urging them to add British Rule in India to the civics curriculum.

Facebook be gan sell ing its stock at thirty-eight dollars per share in FB’s debut on Wall Street. It has replaced family as many people’s top concern. Last year seven congressmen and five governors resigned so that they could spend more time on Facebook.

New York’s Friars Club roasted Hot in Cleveland star Betty White recently. She’s ninety years old and a great role model. When Betty White tells young actresses that she once did Shakespeare they simply assume she means she slept with him to get the part.

John Edwards’s trial went to the jury in Raleigh to decide if he used campaign funds to hide a pregnant mistress from his dying wife.

He remains optimistic. In a last ditch effort to win over the North Carolina jury, John Edwards changed his plea to Not Gay. Robert Downey Jr. got a fifty million dollar pay out for The Aveng ers. Like Pres i dent Obama, he has evolved. Early in his career he was a liberal, after Iron Man he became a moderate, and as soon as his check for the Avengers cleared, he came out for states’ rights and the flat tax.

RECYCLE This publication By giving it to someone, or leaving it somewhere for others to discover!

Jeanie Keltner

“Intelligent Talk”

President Obama ordered prisons to step up measures to put an end to prison rapes. Politicians are such flip-floppers. Just last week Barack Obama was on the cover of Newsweek as the first gay president and now he’s trying to keep couples apart.

When President Obama arrived at ABC studios in New York for an appearance on The View, the president’s security team wasn’t intrusive at all. The head of the Secret Service looked closely at the women on the show and gave the chaperones the morning off.

Senator Chuck Schumer was enraged recently at rich people who are renouncing their U.S. citizenship rather than pay taxes. He introduced a bill that would double their capital gains taxes if they leave. Facebook’s IPO created one thousand millionaires in the company, and they feel a little silly being twenty-six years old and grounded.

Mexico cartels were found using illegal aliens to farm pot on L.A. hillsides. Just keep them here in town. With the Trayvon Martin verdict and a presidential election coming up, we are going to need every illegal alien we can find to help re-build Los Angeles.

Iran threatened to sue Google Maps for taking the map label off the Persian Gulf because Sunni Arabs demand that it be called the Arabian Gulf. Such is life. A year ago Google executives became instantly rich and now they’re just hoping they anger the side with the swiftest beheading ceremony.

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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June, 2012

June, 2012

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Parting Shots

Big Monkey Comic

By Jason Coe & Hugo Camacho

Facebook went public, and let it all hang out...

which is what its users do every day.

Give the Gift of Laughter: Lasts All Year Long!

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June, 2012

June, 2012

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The Key to

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