“Being a good American means doing what's right in civic terms, not what you and your team of lawyers figure you can get away with.” – Michael Tomasky, The Daily Beast
Issue #248
August, 2012
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Editor’s Letter No, guns don’t kill people (at least not by themselves) – but disturbed people who can buy guns more easily than they can get help with their mental illness do. And while America’s gun lobbyists chant said familiar refrain, assault rifles and automatic firearms are a force multiplier for anyone who has an impulse to murder. Something is wrong here. Very wrong. We are 4th in the world for murders with firearms, behind South Africa, Colombia and Thailand. Germany, the closest European country to the U.S., has 2.8 percent as many murders. Mexico, a country we Americans like to look down our noses at as some kind of wild drug-gang infested, murderous hell-hole, has just 28% the gun violence rate that we do annually. The majority of Americans have consistently been for such things as mandatory waiting periods, background checks and even psychiatric evaluations before a person may obtain a gun legally. There has been a steady decline in support for stricter gun control, however, which, even as late as the early nineties, was around 70%. But by October 2010 Gallup found support for stricter laws nationally had fallen to just 44 percent. This can be attributed to a very strong, consistent public campaign and congressional lobbying efforts by pro-gun groups, mostly the NRA. The constant refrain from the pro-gun lobby and its adherents is that the world is a dangerous place, and it’s best to be armed for defense. Bad guys find it harder to commit crimes, so the theory goes, when people are armed. And of course, heroes can be ready to defend against these crazies in incidents like the theater shooting. For all these reasons, they say, gun ownership should not be restricted. But there are a lot of holes in their arguments. For example: Had there been another citizen carrying a gun at this theater, perhaps he could have successfully incapacitated the murderer. But with the hi-tech weaponry this guy had (and I don’t want to do the bastard the honor of repeating his name), and the bullet-proof armor he was wearing, he would most likely have succeeded in killing and injuring nearly as many as he did anyway. I think most sane people would agree that it should at least be harder to buy a gun than to get a driver’s license. Automobiles can kill people too, but killing is not their primary purpose, yet a driver’s license can be harder to obtain. Last, but not least, there needs to be free and easy access to counseling and help with mental illness. Pre-Reagan, this was the case. Now, lost souls without the financial wherewithal to seek help (most of them) or families to help them are left to their own devices. And too often, those devices include guns, and demented fantasies of glory that lead them to seek “fame” by staging massacres. Most people know we need changes. And yet, with a heavy sigh, they say, “It’s just the way it is,” what with our representatives so meek in the face of retribution from a powerful NRA, should they seek gun control. But with enough popular support, even the NRA can be defeated. Don’t be so ready to concede this battle. It is a battle that must be fought, not with guns, but with a citizen lobbying effort strong enough – James Israel, to convince our legislators that we have their back. Publisher/editor The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 21, Issue 248, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3127 Broadway, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Inc., Galt, CA 95632. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, P. Beckert, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, Ben Krull, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2012. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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August, 2012
HUMOR TIMES
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Surprise Decision The question before the court was straightforward...
and the answer revealed a stark divide...
a divide that ran right through the country.
It was a decision that just didn’t compute...
say Republicans, who were more than a little miffed... and feeling the squeeze. (continued)
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HUMOR TIMES
August, 2012
So,Obamacare stays...
a turn of events that seems magical to Dems...
and has Romney quite confused.
Tea partiers are beside themselves...
and the GOP continues in their quixotic quest... to destroy that which they detest so strongly.
August, 2012
HUMOR TIMES
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The Bane of Bain is Driving Mitt Insane The Bain of His Electoral Existence You might say it was a turbulent week for Mitt Romney. You could also say a light lemon sugar wash makes for ineffective mosquito repellent. He claims to have totally left Bain Capital to run the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics even though his company handed the government multiple signed documents stating otherwise, and now financial questions plague his campaign like a swarm of dive-bombing bees in a bathroom stall. The presumptive GOP nominee finds himself in the uncomfortable position of having to convince skeptical voters someone can serve as a firm’s president, chairman of the board, chief executive officer, sole stockholder, junior janitor and cafeteria server in a plastic hairnet and still have absolutely nothing to do with the direction of the company or anything that’s going on. You might say he’s invoking a modified Wall Street bankers’ defense. It boils down to whether he played any active role after leaving in 1999 and his subsequent retroactive retirement. Whatever that means. He says no, dividends be damned. And all those SEC filings listing him as boss were simply corporate publicity moves, like Donald Trump putting his name on various hotels and statuesque fashion models. Which many psychologists define as an edifice complex. Adding to the confusion, in 2002, Willard successfully disputed tax records listing him as an inhabitant of Utah because he was required to have seven years of residency in Massachusetts for gubernatorial eligibility. Then again, who would quarrel with
having a president who could live in two places at the same time? Also, during the period in question, Romney sat on the board of a corporation called LifeLike, which co-incidentally seems to be his campaign slogan. But we’re pretty sure they had nothing to do with his construction. They make dolls, not puppets. The reason this is all so important is because Romney declares his qualifications stem from his recognized business acumen. And if it’s proven he either lied under oath or to the American people, it would go a long way toward establishing he truly does deserve national office. Romney maintains he is totally within the law not releasing any more tax records than required. Yeah, well, in certain states gambling and prostitution and foie gras are within the law as well. Is this guy running for the presidency or trying to avoid the constabulary? The former governor from Massachusetts rationalizes he’s only following in Teresa Heinz’s ‘04 footsteps. But Teresa Heinz wasn’t running for president. Her husband, John Kerry, was, and he released 20 years of taxes. So, maybe Romney is subliminally letting us know the post he’s really angling for is... first lady. Speaking of which, presumptuous presumptive Marie Antoinette understudy, Ann Romney, addressed the subject with, “We’ve given all you people need to know.” Wow. Now, we’re “you people.” Might be taking that Mormon Royalty thing a bit too far. Fortunately, her husband was able to refrain from using the term when addressing the NAACP.
WILL DURST
Come on, Mitt. This is the biggest of all poker games and it’s time to go all-in. Like the police always tell us when they start ramping up surveillance. “The innocent have nothing to fear.” You’re squeaky clean innocent, aren’t you? Or is this just another example of that age old Golden Rule: “He who has the gold, makes the rules.” The Care Less Party All of America should drop to its knees and thank the GOP for attempting to provide us with replacement fireworks. As you undoubtedly know, cities all over the country this year were forced to cancel Fourth of July festivities due to fear of fire, glitchy computers and twitchy bureaucrats. Like there’s another kind. The Republican House took great pains to salve our sensory-deprived souls by trying to set off enough indoor fireworks to make the San Diego Big Bay Bust look like a fluttering votive candle. It was designed to be a spectacular explosion fueled by ego, obstinacy and behavior so self-absorbed, the casual bystander might assume we were in the middle of an election year. For the 33rd time, all House business slammed to a grinding halt to accommodate another vote to repeal Obamacare. Again. Thirty-three times. Let’s look at that, shall we? 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. You got to give the majority party credit for being able to flog this dead horse with out get ting any fly ing bits on them. Thirty-three times is at least 32 times more than the administration ever tried to sell this bill to a public overwhelmingly in favor of its component parts. They persevered even though everyone knows there’s a better chance of flamingoes flying out of monkey butts than the Senate ever signing on. And getting past a presidential veto, substitute polka-dotted pterodactyls for the flamingoes. As political theater goes, this sad summer-stock production fizzled with tired choreography and a script duller than Shakespeare in modern dress performed by third-graders in Mandarin. No wonder they keep trying to cut funding for the arts, they’re deathly afraid of the competition. They rationalized this particular Theater of the Absurd production by claiming the necessity to make a statement. And indeed a statement has been made. That Congress is broken and impotent and hopelessly in need of adult supervision. Even as we speak, you can hear their 8 percent approval rating clanking down the basement steps to unimagined depths. It has been estimated this extended season of Cirque de Folly has taken up two cumulative weeks of business at a cost of $24 million a week. That’s what it takes to keep the congressional gears oiled and moving. Nearly $50 million to hammer home a point more tedious than slogging through the instruction booklet for an Egyptian-made solar generator. We’re not even talking about more millions wasted to appease the base by blatantly restricting women’s rights. This is all perfectly good money that could have been spent on further tax cuts for the rich. Even with inflation, $50 million worth of oil subsidies could go a long way. Any idea how many car elevators you could buy with that kind of money? The official party line on Obamacare is “repeal and replace,” but nobody has anything to replace it with. Ask for specifics and Republicans mumble and fidget and get as vague as Donald Trump talking about the importance of ethics while closing the deal. First there was Romneycare, and now we got Obamacare, but if the hardline conservatives get their way, this country is going to end up with We Don’t Care. Less Care For You. Couldn’t Care Less. Just might have to rename these fiscally responsible charlatans as... The Care Less Party. The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist work ing in the coun try to day.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his upcoming e-book Will Durst's Totally Indispensable Guide to the 2012 Election, or to find out more about stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com. Also: every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. Only 16 shows left. themarsh.org. Special $10 tix. Use code “vote.”
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HUMOR TIMES
August, 2012
Intercepted Joe Pa’s legacy is forever tarnished...
The Key to
Universal Wisdom
but at least there was some justice.
Discover how extraordinary you really are Who am I? What is my purpose? What can I accomplish? Is there more to the universe than I see around me? Only you can truly answer these questions for yourself. Only you can mold yourself to who you would like to be. Profound wisdom, carefully preserved for centuries, is transmitted today by the Rosicrucian Order to every sincere person with an open mind and a positive motive. When you join and read the monthly home study booklets, practical applications can be added to the everyday affairs of your life with startling results. Rosicrucians call this Mastery of Life.
http://www.rosicrucian.org The Rosicrucian Order is a worldwide fraternal organization of men and women dedicated to studying the teachings of some of the greatest mystical minds through the ages. It is not a religion or dogma or even a single philosophy. The booklets are provided for home study, so you decide what you believe and what abilities you wish to increase.
Now, can we agree to protect the children?
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Shopping Spree Candidates really know how to hone their message...
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to appeal to a select audience...
which can afford a whole lot more “$peech�...
than you or I.
Voters feel overwhelmed...
and one can only imagine what our forefathers would think.
HUMOR TIMES
August, 2012
Banksters We bailed them out, yet they continue...
conducting business like common criminals (& with them).
Apparently, “too big to fail” means “too big to jail.”
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HUMOR TIMES
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What They’re Saying I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country. As a result of war, corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands, and the Republic is destroyed. I feel at this moment more anxiety for the safety of my country than ever before, even in the midst of war. God grant that my suspicions may prove groundless." – President Abraham Lincoln, from a letter to Col. William F. Elkins, 11/21/1864 This is a victory for the people. Actually, more than a victory, it is a mandate that all of us must now make sure that a second-term Obama continues to move the ball down the field, toward a system like they have in every other First World country on the planet. He simply has to improve Medicare and then expand it to every citizen in the country. The countries that do this, their people live an average of two to four years longer than we do. Is there a reason anyone doesn’t want an extra four years of their lives? Or that our babies would have a better chance of surviving their first year like they do in the 48 countries that have a better infant mortality rate than we do? Exactly who is opposed to this? You’d have to be a bit…crazy. And that, I’ve come to believe, is the true divide in this country. It’s not blue state vs red state, liberal vs conservative, Democrat vs Republican. The split we have in America can be boiled down in its simplest form to this: On one side are the people who believe Adam and Eve rode on dinosaurs 6,000 years ago – and then there’s everyone else. On that first side are the people who’ve been fed a diet of fear and lies and hate. And who is feeding them? The 1%. The richest people in the country, the ones who aren’t done with us yet because they still don’t have enough wealth, have done their best to dumb down the population through destroying our educational system and using media to provide them with a vastly distorted sense of reality. The rich’s only obstacle is that they only hold 1% of the votes in the country. So they have to try to get a slim majority of Americans to vote their way. And fear, plus keeping them stupid, usually works. So that’s the battle ahead of us: Organizing and mobilizing the majority of Amer icans to push for true univer sal health care, Medicare for All. – Michael Moore, re health care decision, michaelmoore.com, 6/28/12 It may be legal to take every tax break you can, to try to claim a $77,000 deduction for your horse. But it is not right. Being a good American means doing what’s right in civic terms, not what you and your team of lawyers figure you can get away with. By this definition Romney is the un-American, and it would be a glorious thing indeed if he became the pivot on which we turned to a definition of patriotism that rendered behavior like his opprobrious. – Michael Tomasky, The Daily Beast, 7/21/12
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The Hightower Lowdown Hey Congress, What About the “Doug Jones Average”? To report on how our economy is doing, media outlets keep a constant eye on the Dow Jones Average. But they’re like cats watching the wrong mouse hole, for the great majority of A me r i c a n s h a ve b e t w e e n z e r o a n d next-to-nothing in the stock market. The economic measure that matters most to most folks is the Doug Jones Average. The Doug is concerned about such key indicators as the pump price on a gallon of regular, the subprime value of today’s seven-and-a-quarter minimum wage and the impact of global inflationary pressures on the cost of a six-pack. So, how’re Doug and Dottie Jones doing? Not well, report the number-crunchers at the Federal Reserve. In the latest Survey of Consumer Finances, Fed economists found that from 2007 through 2010, all but the wealthiest 10 percent of American households have been downwardly mobile, with the median net worth of U.S. households tumbling by a startling 39 percent, falling to the lowest level in 20 years. In short, Americans are not merely feeling poorer — they are. Foreclosures, lost jobs, wage declines and other reductions (combined with rising costs of everything from gasoline to child care) have become the norm, even shoving many proud middle-classers onto food stamp rolls. Yet Washington remains fixated on propping up Wall Street’s moneyed elites. Congressional Republicans are actually clamoring for more financial deregulation and tax giveaways to coddle Wall Streeters (the
same disastrous approach that caused the mess we’re in) while also voting to slash funding for the food stamp program that more and more people need. To keep a mighty tree alive you must nourish the grassroots, not just spritz the few leaves at the top. But Washington has become a town of leaf-spritzers, ignoring the massive housing crunch, ongoing joblessness and mounting consumer debt. Indeed, three-fourths of Americans today have more invested in their aging cars and trucks than in stocks (those vehicles — the chief asset for millions of people — now average 11 years old). To know which way the economic winds are blowing, lawmakers could simply check the daily headlines: “Underemployed and Underpaid,” “Shrinking Consumers” and “Economy Leaving Lost Generation.” Winds of hurricane force are knocking down the Joneses — America’s workaday majority. This is not the natural workings of inscrutable market forces, as the financial elite want us to believe, but a direct hit from the ethos of plutocratic greed that now prevails among of our country’s corporate and governmental decision-makers. They keep putting the short-term selfish interests of the few over the future well-being of America’s many — national interest be damned. Another headline offers a galling example of this: “China Takes Tech Tips From Silicon Valley.” The story behind the headline is that Chinese officials intend to zoom their country ahead of ours as leader of the world’s “knowledge economy.” Who’s helping them make this
Reach down deep and GIVE to those in need …
OF A GOOD DOSE OF POLITICAL SATIRE! HUMOR TIMES
JIM HIGHTOWER Great Leap Forward over the U.S.A.? Our own venture capitalists, corporate executives and university officials. Already, the prestigious college of engineering at UC Berkeley is opening a multimillion-dollar research and instructional school in Shanghai, built by the Chinese. As a Berkeley research dean explained, ”The bottom line is, if there are resources in China, we would be foolish not to go there." But whose bottom line is being served — and who is being played for a fool? Only a dozen years ago, America’s middle-class workers were told not to fight the offshoring of their good-paying manufacturing jobs because their fu ture lay in the spar kling, new knowledge-based economy. But we now see Silicon Valley itself hightailing it to China, transferring America’s technical knowledge, competitive edge and middle-class future 7,000 miles away. Incredibly, this crass betrayal of America’s workaday majority is not even being talked about in this year’s elections. To force the issue of middle-class decline to the top of Washington’s agenda, We the People must raise some serious hell at the grassroots level. We must become less timid and start getting in the face of our own congress-critters, because they’re failing us. The demise of the middle class is the demise of America itself. We can’t be silent about that. (More info: AmericanManufacturing.org.)
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End Run Things will never be the same in Arizona... and at least one conservative hero would be pleased.
But the current GOP candidate is all over the map... and Congress says Obama showed bad faith.
He is bending the rules... but the real criminals continue to roam free.
August, 2012
HUMOR TIMES
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“We Report, You Decry!” Twitter Goes Down, Productivity Spikes Worldwide Nothing left to do but work Humor Times Special Report Twitter went down for an extended time the other day, sparking unrest, outrage and a sudden rise in productivity. “I think it’s terrible when Twit ter goes down,” said Sheryl Stevenson, of Norwalk Gardening, a company that sells garden supplies. “How will everyone know how my day’s going?” As this reporter interviewed subjects for this story, answers were stilted and stated in odd ways. For example, I asked Sheryl about a sudden burst of activity reported at Norwalk. “It was strange. Suddenly, @James and @Sarah were thru w/a pile of wk i thot wud take 4ever!” she said. I asked Dorris Valebeck at Sunshine Solar in Phoenix Arizona to go into detail about the difference her company experienced when Twitter went down, but her sentences would cut off suddenly after short bursts of information. “Well, normally, with the amount of paperwork I gave them to do today, it would take about six hours, including time off for lunch, for them –” and she suddenly stopped. After a brief pause, she finished, “– to finish phase one of the job, which entails researching the database for detailed information. Once they have finished that part of the ta –” It went on like this for a while. I tried to stop her, but she kept going in spurts, until I finally turned off my recorder and told her the “service” was “down.” She said, “Oh, not again! Guess I’d better get some work done. Of course, I’ll have to update my Facebook account first…” As Twitter came back online, millions of tweets about missing Twitter began to flood the feed. “So happy to be able to tweet again – work is SO boring,” read one. “btw, b4 it stopped, fyi, i was listing all the times John Travolta said “Caribbean cruise” in movies. ok, off to fb #work #movies #fb” read another. Company CEOs interviewed all said the spike was a nice side-effect, but that it’s impossible to keep their employees off Twitter. “They’re going to do it one way or another — internet, smart phones, you name it. But we’re listening and they know it. They keep in line…” he said, stopping suddenly to check Twitter.
Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Google to Mine Brains for Data Storage Data boom prods ubiquitous internet oracle to look for new ways to expand The exponential growth in the use of the mous people such as Britney Spears, the entire Internet has caused many of the top web site facil- Kardashian clan, Ozzy Osbourne fans and the guy ities to experience excruciating problems with who supposedly launched his kid into the air in a data storage. Now internet balloon in Colorado are begiant Google has come up ing offered top dollar for the with an innovative solution the use of their empty brain it believes is viable. space. Google plans to introA lot of ‘data depots’ duce the practice of leasing have been solicited by ads space in people’s brains for put on day time TV, the its data. viewers that time of day Psychologists and scienhaving brains that are a littists have long sur mised eral gold mine of storage that humans use only a tenth space. Jerry Springer adof their brain’s capacity. dicts are especially sought This leaves an astonishing after. amount of data storage just Data storage capacity. Hey, you aren’t using it. Unfortunately, this doeswalking around the streets unfilled and untapped. n’t seem to work for people who read People magGoogle has sunk $75 million into this amazing azine or any of the other celebrity magazines or new science of neurosurgical data storage. They those who watch soap operas on a daily basis, besay data input will be accomplished by means of a cause their minds are already so filled with worthUSB port on the back of the neck that ties in di- less trivia that they can not accept any new rectly with the nerves running through the cere- information, especially if it has any real intellibellum, connecting to the richest storage veins of gence to it. the cerebrum. Scientists have tried hooking up to Lindsey Certain nationalities seem to have vast pools of Lohan, but find that whatever drug she is using people with amazing amounts of storage room fries out their hard drives when they plug her in. available, especially Americans, Mexicans, ItalReported by Roger Freed, Senior Next Big ians and Pakistanis. Specific celebrities and fa- Thing Correspondent
Monsanto Declares All Their GMO Crops Organic ‘We only splice organic genes’ says Monsanto CEO Exclusive to the Humor Times The biotech giant Monsanto today declared that all of their GMO (Genetically Modified Organism) crops are officially organic. “Since we start with only the finest organic genes, anything we do to them is irrelevant. The dictionary definition of ‘organic’ is: Of, relating to, or derived from living organisms. Our product is derived from living organisms, is it not?” said Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant, who himself was genetically modified to create the perfect, unblemished bald head of a CEO. “Yeah, they rearranged my genes a bit, so what? After all, look at the competition I was up against!” said Grant, referring to the actor with the same name. “Environmentalists are succeeding in spreading ill will against us — we had to adjust our strategy,” said Grant, his flawless round dome shining in the sun. “So we took a fresh look at our fresh, never-rotting produce, and realized, hey, this stuff is ‘organic!’” The giant corporation is apparently not worried that the FDA will overrule their organic status. “Oh, really?” explained Grant, “when was the last time those lap dogs ruled against us?!”
“They’re mostly our guys a n y w a y, ” h e added, referring to the revolving door be tween Monsanto and the FDA, with many for mer Monsanto employees reaching a high rank in the FDA, and vice-versa. Monsanto CEO, unaware of GMO “ B e s i d e s , plant eyeing delectable bald head. even if they do dare to deny us organic status, we’ll just throw some extra cash at our reps in Congress, and they’ll fix it. They always do. Face it, GMO is now organic, baby!” said Grant. But environmentalists warn of dire consequences. “What if he has more children? Will their enhanced bald heads have an unfair advantage?” said Michael Brune, Executive Director of the Sierra Club.
Satan Tickled Pink Over Havoc He’s Wreaking Worldwide A psychic who claims to be able to follow the activities of Satan says the Lord of the Underworld is tickled pink to be wreaking tremendous havoc upon the earth. However, she warns that Beelzebub is stepping up his game. Wanda Wicstein, 67, a psychic who tells fortunes in Cassadaga, Florida, says she has been receiving messages from Satan ever since she was a little girl. “He’s quite a charmer,” she said, “but when I first came across him, he
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scared the bejeezus out of me,” said Wanda. “Yet, for some unknown reason, he never turned his anger toward me. Instead, he allowed me to keep tabs on him. Possibly it’s his huge ego.” Wicstein says that when she first encountered Satan, he bragged incessantly about the evil he bestowed upon Adolph Hitler. “It was Holocaust this, and Holocaust that, like it was the best thing since sliced bread,” she said, rolling her eyes skyward. “At present,” says Wicstein,” Satan is quite proud of his ability to make men turn on each other in profound ways,” referring to the recent
rash of drug-crazed flesh eaters. When it came to answering some of the hundreds of questions such as what Satan looks like, what he wears, what his favorite foods are, Wanda wasn’t really able to say. “He speaks to me in my head,” she said. “He’s quite crafty. I’ve asked him repeatedly to show himself and allow me to draw him, but he always replies, ‘No, my little minion, I’m quite happy with the red face and horns your people have bestowed upon me. It’s a nice look.’” Reported by P. Beckert, Senior Nether World Correspondent
HUMOR TIMES
Romney Claims Dog Ate Tax Returns Pet then ran Bain Capital for three years In a new effort to settle nagging questions about his finances, Republican Presidential pick Mitt Romney today told reporters that his dog ate his tax returns and also served as C.E.O. of Bain Capital from 1999 to 2002. Mr. Romney’s nar ra tive about the Irish set ter Seamus Romney, shared with reporters during a campaign stop in New Hampshire, was perhaps the most emotional invocation of a pet by a politician since Richard M. Nixon’s famed Checkers speech of 1952. “Seamus was more than a dog,” Mr. Romney said, his voice beginning to quaver. “As C.E.O. of Bain, he was a job creator.” But Mr. Romney’s revelations about his dog’s career in private equity may have raised more questions than it answered, as a spokesperson for People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) questioned the G.O.P. candidate’s latest version of events. “If we are to believe Mitt Romney, in 2002 while Seamus was supposedly running Bain Capital he would have been at least 140 years old [in dog years],” said PETA’s Carol Foyler. “This shaggy-dog story represents Mitt Romney’s latest act of animal cruelty.” Minutes after PETA’s response, Mr. Romney released an amended statement, saying that Seamus Romney had served as C.E.O. of Bain “posthumously.” It was a quieter day for Mr. Romney’s wife Ann, who, after her “you people” gaffe on ABC’s “Good Morning America” yesterday, was seen riding home on the roof of Mr. Romney’s car. Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com
Obama, Romney in Broad-Based Battle; “War on Women” Heats Up WASHINGTON – The two opposing sides in the coming November presidential election have ramped up the rhetoric regarding who best r e p r e se n t s t h e “fairest gender.” “The President is be tray ing his Godless heathen, Obamasaurus Rex r oot s t o ev er y dame in the country,” Mitt Romney charged in a recent statement. “Ev ery one knows God wants the womenfolk to stay home with the kids and drive them to bal let and soc cer and make good home-cooked meals for their hard-working hubbies – or at least she should be in charge of the household staff who actually do those chores. Romney continued, “If the missus would just stay home and do her wifely duties, joblessness for the all-important male wage earners would become a thing of the past, just like the dinosaurs did, hundreds of years ago. President Obama was quick to respond to the verbal onslaught. “Keep talking, Mitt!” chortled the Commander-in-Chief. “You do more to at tract women to my campaign than a naked Ron Paul calendar!” Re port ed by Chri s M c K e r ra c h e r, TheWashingtonFancy.com
August, 2012
Backfired
God Particle
Republicans are on a mission...
Science thinks it found the Holy Grail...
and so are Holder & Obama... which is great news all around...
as both sides strike self-righteous poses.
August, 2012
but the big questions are still a mystery.
HUMOR TIMES
15
Four… More… Months? Obama’s main concern is employment...
and he’s ramping up production as fast as he can.
Troubles continue to mount... and there are holes in his arguments.
It’s getting downright embarrassing... but he’s looking forward to this year’s convention.
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HUMOR TIMES
August, 2012
America First (After Stashing the Loot) Romney’s America is a magical place...
where, with hard work and determination...
you can make a stash even your government can’t find.
as a growing chorus demands transparency.
August, 2012
His tale may be turning tragic, however...
At least he’s still getting some love from old friends.
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17
Imbalance It don’t really seem fair...
and it just ain’t right.
The little guy is getting seductively fleeced...
yet it’s the rich man who moans the loudest.
But the gov’t says there’s only so much it can do...
18
and Congress is worse than useless.
HUMOR TIMES
August, 2012
Argus Sez Charlie Sheen announced that he is interested in being a judge on American Idol. He knows plenty about the music business. Charlie Sheen can take one look into the eyes of the contestants and tell whether the cocaine in the green room has run out. The San Francisco Board of Supervisors moved to ban smoking at all public outdoors events except for medical marijuana. It’s the new law. Second-hand tobacco smoke is classified as a health hazard while second-hand marijuana smoke is classified as hospitality. Fred Willard was arrested by Hollywood cops for masturbating in a porn theater. It wasn’t all bad. Next spring he’ll receive a special Oscar for supporting movies while they are still in the theater rather than waiting for them to arrive in the video stores. Mad Men and Downton Abbey led the Emmy nominations for best dramatic series. It’s no surprise. The two shows reflect the two great est Amer i can fan ta sies to day, get ting drunk and sleeping around or being a British aristocrat a hundred years ago. The London Olympics supplied the athletes in the Olympic Village with one hundred fifty thousand condoms. They won’t use them. They realize the only way you can make a living in this economy is to breed a left-handed relief pitcher for the New York Yankees. Democrats apologized for making fun of Ann Romney’s dancing horse in a TV ad blasting Mitt Romney. Ridiculing the animal caused nationwide offense. We live in a time where half the country adores horses while the other half is down to eating them. Al Sharpton blamed racism for GOP opposition, saying Barack Obama doesn’t look like
SOAPBOX! with
Jeanie Keltner
ARGUS HAMILTON
most Americans. That’s easily fixable. If the Environmental Protection Agency would just require tanning bulbs in all refrigerators, we’d all be the same color in a week. Michelle Bachmann was ripped by GOP colleagues for accusing Hillary Clinton’s aide Huma of having secret ties to the Muslim Brotherhood. It’s just not true. For crying out loud, the girl is married to Anthony Weiner, she doesn’t even have secret ties to her husband. Burger King just fired teen workers who took photographs of their feet in the lettuce bin. Food vendors are exasperated. Last week Delta found needles in their food and today Chinese girls sit in coach sewing Olympic uniforms with ham sandwiches and thread. Oprah Winfrey brought back the Oprah Book Club to her show. She’s lost two hundred fifty million dollars since she moved to cable TV. Before last night’s show she asked her audience members to reach under their seats and all they found were collection envelopes. Daily Variety said Hollywood movie executives aren’t worried that people will swear off going to movies due to the shooting attacks. They’re right. All they have to do turn the air conditioner down two degrees and every movie will be sold out in the month of August. Syrian dictator Bashar Assad reportedly fled Damascus as his regime began tottering. Syria’s dictator could fall just a year after Egypt’s and Libya’s leaders fell. It’s been like this for Arab dictators ever since Goldman Sachs convinced them to go public.
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August, 2012
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Miscellaneous Mischief
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HUMOR TIMES
August, 2012
August, 2012
HUMOR TIMES
21
Fading Flower
Locked & Loaded Access to guns is easier than to mental health care...
Egypt’s Arab Spring is fading...
but so is Assad’s reign in Syria...
thanks to one well-armed lobby group...
but the call for sanity still goes out.
as the struggle for freedom continues.
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August, 2012
August, 2012
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