Humor Times, Sept 2012

“Government by organized money is just as dangerous as Government by organized mob.” – President Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Issue #249

September, 2012

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Editor’s Letter As I write, British police have surrounded the Ecuadorian embassy there, demanding the release of Wikileaks founder Julian Assange into their custody. Britain wants to extradite him to Sweden, where he is accused of the sexual assault of two women, which he denies.

He was arrested in London in 2010 but fought extradition to Sweden all the way to the Supreme Court, fearing it was a pretext for him to be sent to the US, where the authorities were incensed by his release of thousands of confidential diplomatic cables. After the court rejected his last appeal in June, Mr. Assange walked into the embassy and applied for political asylum. When he refused to come out, he broke his bail terms, becoming liable for arrest.

A Wikileaks spokesman said the group wanted guarantees from the Swedish government that it would not extradite Mr Assange to the United States, but Sweden has refused such a guarantee.

The U.S. apparently wants Assange to eventually be extradited here on charges that include espionage and conspiracy. Basically, Wikileaks embarrassed the U.S. government, and that cannot be allowed! They apparently want to be free to do that themselves.

Many consider Assange a hero for exposing war crimes by U.S. forces in Iraq, and for making transparent the lies perpetuated by governments around the world. Wikileaks claims it has been careful not to release information that might help terrorists or endanger innocent people.

It really comes down to a free speech issue. Both the U.S. and Britain have let far worse criminals go if it is convenient, and has even supported some pretty awful individuals, like dictators, when it suits their goals.

For example, in 2000, Britain released the likes of Augusto Pinochet, rather than extradite him. The Chilean dictator was known for “disappearing” thousands, tax evasion, pilfering his country’s treasury, and hoarding it all in secret bank accounts. Assange exposed war crimes. Who’s the real criminal?

One of the things Assange released that really sticks in the craw of President Obama and the U.S. government is a 38-minute video taken from the cockpit of an Apache military helicopter in Iraq in 2007. The video depicted American soldiers killing at least eighteen people, including two Reuters journalists. It later became the subject of widespread controversy.

Since WikiLeaks.org went online over three years ago, the site has published an extensive catalogue of secret material, ranging from information about Guantánamo Bay, to “Climategate” e-mails from the University of East Anglia, England, to the contents of Sarah Palin’s private Yahoo account.

WikiLeaks keeps its information from being censored by maintaining content on more than twenty servers around the world and on hundreds of domain names.

Assanges says Wikileaks’ mission is to expose injustice. In an invitation to potential collaborators in 2006, he wrote, “Our primary targets are those highly oppressive regimes in China, Russia and Central Eurasia, but we also expect to be of assistance to those in the West who wish to reveal illegal or immoral behavior in their own governments and corporations.”

In this age of free-flowing information, governments should realize they cannot keep secrets like they used to, and instead, clean up their act. The world would be a better place for it, and we would have Wikileaks and Mr Assange to thank.

– James Israel, Publisher/editor The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 21, Issue 249, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Political Olympics As the Games of the 57th Presidential Olympiad opened...

it was evident records would be smashed, left and right.

It’s been quite a spectacle...

and it seemed Romney had a big advantage...

as everything was swinging his way... until he opened his mouth.

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HUMOR TIMES

September, 2012

Fast Food, Slow to Change Chick-fil-A came out of the bigot closet...

and a lot of their customers supported them.

So Sesame Street opted out of their partnership...

and for good reason...

leaving some customers in an uncomfortable position.

Meanwhile, the Boy Scouts chimed in too.

September, 2012

HUMOR TIMES

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The Presumptive Tax Dodger Who knows why Mitt Romney doesn’t release his old tax records. Maybe he’s stubborn. Nobody likes being told what to do.

Could be an incredibly simple explanation like he lost them and is embarrassed. For all we know the accordion file of old returns fell off a shelf in the garage and is buried under a pile of old bikes and unopened anniversary gifts.

Promised to release his 2011 tax records when he files on or around October 15. Wrong way, Mitt. We don’t care about the five years you’ve been running for president. We want to know what you did before the national spotlights were trained on you.

Who are you in the dark? Do you change into tights and a cape?

Or is the King of Bain really Bane? You’re so Bane, you probably think this column is about you.

Desperate to change the conversation, the presumptive tax dodger slipped out of the country and ran away to the Olympics.

Because that’s where the cameras are pointed. And apparently he’s determined to get in front of them in order to make verbal gaffes on subjects other than his taxes. Making people cogitate even furiouser, what nuggets of deliciousness could possibly be lurking unseen?

Romney has the best lawyers and accountants money could buy, so probably nothing overtly illegal. Perhaps some solid investments that might pin the red on the dodgy side on the moral-ometer. You know. High-stakes Monaco baccarat winnings. Heroin spatulas. Far Eastern white-slavery futures. Not

here to judge. We’re talking different cultures.

Problem is, in a void, one’s imagination naturally runs wild about any Unobtanium. Accordingly, please allow me to wildly offer up a couple of conjectures on possible skeletons buried in the Mitt Romney tax crypts: • Doesn’t just have a bank account in the Cayman Islands; owns two of the three Cayman Islands.

• Tithes 10 percent of income every year to Scientology.

• Claims nine kids as dependents.

• Adjusted net worth after taxes is a bazilliondy dollars.

• Collects royalties from Kraft for the copyrighted term “Preppy Dip.” • Turns out Mitt really IS short for Mittens.

• In 2004, he wrote off $60,000 in Chinese-made hair products.

• Currently holds 60 percent of Greece’s debt.

• Never checks the donation box at the bottom of his 1040.

• Back in the late 80s, his closest business associate was Pablo Escobar.

• Top three charitable donations were to Greenpeace, Planned Parenthood and Code Pink.

• His Swiss bank account number is 666.

• Served 18 months in prison for tax evasion while governor of Massachusetts and nobody noticed. Known in the yard as “Shifty.”

• Holds the lease on a 120,000 square foot warehouse in Nevada

WILL DURST

filled to the rafters with sex toys.

• Yearly health care de duc tions in clude three pages for nickel-metal-hydride batteries.

• Entire estate has been placed under the control of Rafalca, the Olympic horse.

• Was the brains behind Bernie Madoff.

• Claims Newt Gingrich books-on-tape as therapeutic deductions.

Has the state of South Dakota placed in his IRA. • Not only paid no taxes for the years 1990-2002, but it turns out we owe him $400,000,000.

The Barack Obama Election-Year Decathlon Planetary props to the City of London for a monumentally memorable 30th Olympiad, viewed in this country against the backdrop of election-year coverage.

It was obvious from the opening ceremonies that these would be games nobody would soon forget. From the queen jumping out of a he li cop ter to Charles Dick ens wear ing a top hat at Stonehenge contracting black-lung disease during the Industrial Revolution or whatever was going on there. Beautiful, is what it was. And odd.

Then for two weeks, the world’s greatest athletes captivated global attention by setting records and shedding tears and pulling hamstrings in familiar events and sports we didn’t even know existed. Men’s rhythmic marathon gymnastic BMX diving?

It continues to amaze how every four years, humans continue to incrementally evolve to be faster and stronger and higher and longer and as far as synchronized swimming is concerned, creepier.

The weather was oh-so-British; mercurial, unpredictable and tipsy by dark. And added kudos must be laid at the feet of England’s capital city for keeping the contests pretty much controversy-free. Except, of course, the momentary ugliness that was the women’s semifinal field hockey match between Great Britain and Argentina. AKA: The Falklands War II. This time it’s personal! Utilizing less-lethal sticks.

One can never entirely keep politics out of games or games out of politics. The two have too much in common. For instance, we cheer for our team no matter what opponents they line up against.

And if a player switches sides, that’s fine too. As long as they wear our uniform. So essentially, what we root for is laundry.

Score is kept and grudges held for generations. Contestants blindly resort to any strategy within the law to win, often finding themselves on the wrong side of strictly legal. And invariably one over-caffeinated idiot will try to psych out the other side with smack talk about somebody’s mama.

Every once in a while some underused substitute will buzz a high, tight one under the chin of an opposing superstar and both benches will clear. And then… not much of anything happens.

Participants talk of sportsmanship being the paramount goal but it’s plain to see everything is all about the gold.

Even our notoriously composed to the point of semi-somnambulant president occasionally is forced to engage in various sporty contortions. We’re used to seeing him body surfing and on the basketball court, but the Complying Hawaiian has been showing off some pretty impressive election-year moves as well. As a little something we like to call the Barack Obama Election-Year Decathlon will elucidate: #1. The Individual Medley Multiple Issue-Straddle. #2. The Debt Ceiling Crisis Crunch Clean and Jerk. With an emphasis on the jerks. #3. Global Goodwill High Nuclear Hurdle Tour. #4. Extreme Middle of the Road Straightline Walk-Run. #5. Single Weekend 10 State Promise Them Anything Fundraising Marathon. #6. Last Minute Digging Up a Democrat with a Backbone Desperation Relay. #7. The Incredible Disappearing Successful Solar Energy Photo-Op Sprint. #8. The 800 Pound Gorilla that is the Economy Greco-Roman Wrestle. #9. Biting His Tongue While in the Presence of John Boehner Freestyle.

And the final event: #10. The Joe Biden Advanced Obstacle Course. Now with Landmines!

6

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Gun-Ho No need to worry, say some...

but recent events have made others very nervous.

There’s only one solution, say NRA lobbyists...

and it’s a matter of priorities.

Folks are dealing with it anyway they can...

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as the situation escalates.

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2012

Rover

Election Fraud Fraud

The latest Mars rover is very hi-tech...

Something had to be done, they said...

searching for answers...

so Republican state officials put their weight into it...

and finding surprises.

September, 2012

and can now move on to other non-existent “problems.�

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Dishonorable Discharge

The Hightower Lowdown A Wall Street Devil Gets Religion ... and an Apt Epitaph

No one was happy...

and it will take the school a while to live it down.

Meanwhile, academics continue to take a back seat.

Hallelujah and Holy Smokes! Wall Street has had a “come to Jesus” moment — the biggest sinner on the Street has repented!

He is Sandy Weill, the once-li on ized dealmaker who turned our banks into financial “supermarkets” that tie us everyday depositors and Main Street borrowers to the profiteering schemes of unbridled Wall Street traders and the whims of global speculators. Thanks, Sandy — for nothing.

Beginning in the late 1980s, Weill went on a decade-long merger binge, taking over Travelers Insurance, Smith Barney, Aetna, Solomon Brothers and other powerhouses of high finance, culminating in 1998 with his grabbing of Citibank. The whole em pire was named Citigroup, Weill was paid a king’s ransom, and his conglomerated entity was widely hailed as a work of genius. Only one problem: It was illegal.

After the financial collapse of 1929 led to the Great Depression, the Glass-Steagall Act was passed to protect people’s deposits from another system-wide crash by prohibiting banks from also owning stock brokerages, insurance corpora tions, hedge funds and other shad owy, high-risk financial operations.

Picky-picky, said Weill, who hired a hoard of lobbyists to demand that Washington legalize his illegal structure by simply repealing the pesky law he was blatantly violating. He even brought former President Gerald Ford and former Clinton Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin onto Citigroup’s board of directors to be bipartisan front men lead ing the charge to kill Glass-Steagall.

Sure enough, in 1999, Congress dutifully went along with Weill’s push for repeal, and Wall Street promptly rushed to amalgamate more C itigroups , thus cre a t ing t he “too-big-to-fail” system that — only eight years later — did indeed fail. Weill’s “work of genius” forced a multitrillion-dollar bailout on us taxpay ers (including $45 billion that went to Citigroup itself), and it wrecked America’s Main Street economy. By then, though, the genius had retired with so much money that he could afford to air-condition hell.

But now — approaching 80 and perhaps hoping to avoid that destination — Weill has suddenly become a born-again convert to the gospel of Glass-Steagall. Late last month, the architect of today’s megabanks called for them to be “split up” so they do not “risk taxpayer dollars” and are “not too big to fail.”

Wow — redemption! Note, though, that Saint Sandy is not returning any of the millions

JIM HIGHTOWER he pocketed from his devilish scheme — just in case he really does need to buy that air conditioner.

Of course, the system has not treated Weill like a crook, even though he not only violated the law but arrogantly flaunted it. No, no, the criminal acts of Street royals like him are countenanced as the unintended consequences of “financial innovation.” His problem, you see, is not that he has a criminal mind, but that he suffers from a rare and tragic genetic flaw called NAD — Narcissistic Avariciousness Disorder.

NAD is what caused Weill to cre ate Citigroup in the first place, then drove him to use his clout to get Congress to legalize his illicit house of cards, which came crashing down on the American economy in 2008.

But having NAD means never having to say “mea culpa,” much less “I’m sorry.” So, while Weill now says from his luxurious retirement bunker that Glass-Stegall should be reinstated, he still insists that he was right to repeal it at the time — and that he’s not responsible for any of the painful economic and social consequences of the collapse that America continues to suffer.

Indeed, he’s even playing the victim, complaining recently on a TV show that “our world hates bankers.” No, Sandy, the world hates greed and self-aggrandizement. You are, after all, the guy who un til re cently kept a 4-foot-wide wood etching of yourself in your office, grandiosely titling it, “The Shatterer of Glass-Steagall.”

Yet the clueless bankster who shattered that glass so he could reach into the system and help himself to an immense fortune now wants us to remember him as a pious reformer cloaked in the sackcloth of ethical banking.

Who does he think he is fooling? You might remember that just weeks after American taxpayers ponied up the $45 billion bailout of his once-haughty bank, Weill commandeered a Citigroup jet — fueled with our dollars — to give him a free ride to a Mexican resort for a vacation! Reporting on this act of narcissistic avarice, The New York Post wrote Weill’s eternal epitaph in a two-word headline: “Pigs Fly.”

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September, 2012

Parched Water is getting scarce in the Midwest... bringing the country to its knees.

Climate change deniers are looking foolish... and feeling the heat.

Meanwhile, it’s business as usual... as corn shortages cause much concern.

September, 2012

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Katie Holmes Hopes Divorce Doesn’t Prevent Her From Reaching Scientology Level 7 LOS ANGELES, CA - Anticipating her divorce from Tom Cruise, actress Katie Holmes is hoping that the proceedings do not prevent her from reaching Level 7 of Scientology.

Holmes is currently work ing with a divorce law yer, and a Scientology advancement specialist to ensure that her standing is not disrupted.

“I’ve just worked so hard to get to this point,” explained Holmes. “It would rip me apart if my divorce could in any way hurt my chances of reaching Level 7. It would be kind of like someone playing Super Mario Brothers for a really long time, and then right before you’re about to save the Princess, someone tells you you’re not allowed just because you’re sick of participating in a sham marriage. Actually, it is exactly like that.”

The Church of Scientology has not commented on the matter, saying only that their decisions about membership and advancement are made on a case by case basis. “We will determine the fate of Ms. Holmes at the appropriate time,” said Church of Scientology Celebrity Relations Director Michael Crowe.

“We have a lot on our plate right now.

We’ve got a crisis management meeting with John Travolta sched uled three times a day for the next several months.”

“I assume I get a badge or a certificate or maybe a patch I can wear on my jacket or maybe some really good seats on the spaceship that is gonna come get us,” said Holmes as she speculated on the benefits of Level 7. “I just hope they let me know soon. If I don’t have to make my Scientology payment next month, I could use that money to by a dozen new houses for my newly single self. This is all just so exhausting. I feel like maybe I should see a shrink. Maybe get some Prozac or something.”

Reported by DerfMagazine.com

Latest Headlines: North Korean Leader’s New Wife Imprisoned for Eating Extra Rice Somalia Votes Swashbuckling Pirate in as President Humor Times Voted ‘Best F-ing Paper Ever’

Mars Rover Curiosity Discovers Living Fossil But with no intelligent life found yet, mission set to continue A Humor Times Exclusive with Romney’s poor showing on the campaign Newt Gingrich pledged as a presidential candi- trail so far – will generate a revolt at the convendate that if elected president, he would build a tion and put him on top for the nomination. moon base by the year 2020.

“Of course we all support He even went so far as to say him,” said Gingrich aide Rick that if 13,000 Americans were Ty ler, “At least un til the to inhabit the base eventually, money runs out.” they could apply for statehood.

Apparently, Gingrich’s bilWhile voters in the primaries lion aire sup porter, Shel don ultimately rejected him, Adelson, is still behind him, Gingrich did demonstrate an de s pite ru mors he had insatiable curiosity for space switched to Romney. His supexploration. port has enabled the candiEnter the Curiosity Mars date’s daring, risky and quite mission. The former Speaker expensive space-age campaign of the House was obviously ploy, and could turn the GOP Lower life form discovered on Mars. more se ri ous about hu man convention on its ear. space travel than many thought, actually manag“We don’t know how he did it,” said Allen ing to outflank NASA itself.

Chen, deputy head of the rover’s descent and Yes, the Newt has landed on Mars, astonishing landing team at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory near everyone. The move is reviving his campaign, and Los Angeles. “It took a Herculean effort by thouhe hopes to ride the accomplishment all the way to sands of scientists to succeed with Curiosity. But the White House, in a renewed electoral bid. when it got there, Newt was waiting for it. The Gingrich is using the free air time provided by guy is nothing, if not determined.”

Cu ri os ity’s sev en teen cam eras to make an “I never give up,” Newt told the world via Cuunprecedented interplanetary pitch for a surprise riosity video, beamed back early this morning. nomination at the upcoming GOP convention.

Holding a “Newt 2012” sign, he said, “That’s why Aides say he feels that his bold ideas for a new I’d make a great president. Elect me, and together Mars colony and eventual statehood – combined we’ll make Mars the 51st state!”

Romney, Flush With Success, to Renew World Tour Wants to show more countries ‘How we roll in the USA’ Mitt Romney, following a “triumphant European excursion,” where he shared his Olym pic ex per tise with the Brits, promoted World War III in Is rael, and told “killer Pollack jokes” – as he put it – in Poland, says his July trip Graphic: Think Progress. was so successful that he wants to renew his world tour, “and show ’em how we roll in the USA!” “I’ve never felt so good, sharing our greatness with all those little countries. It’s not only fun for me, it’s great for our country, our national pride,” said Romney, the presumptive Republican party nominee for president. “Everyone knows Obama is a wimp around foreign leaders.”

Standing behind Romney, Matt Rhoades, his campaign manager, appeared to get weak in the knees at the announcement, nearly buckling.

Later, Rhoades said, “Well, Mitt likes to surprise us, keep us on our toes. Nothing is set in stone, we’ll have to evaluate our options.” As

some of the reporters snickered, he added, “And you guys can kiss my ass!”

Romney recounted some of his experiences while on his recent trip. “I got to meet some of the little people. One, a Christopher Ashdown of Canterbury, told me, ‘We all think you’re a first class wazzack, a blooming barmy pillock, even.’ I think he was really impressed with me!”

Most national leaders tried to discouraged him, saying they’d have a very hard time clearing their schedules.

“I really think Mr. Romney should pass us up on this trip,” said German chancellor Angela Merkel. “To be honest, I’m afraid he’d spark riots in the streets.” She made her remarks after Romney had told reporters, “I like Germany, for example.

They love to cook. I understand they shared their ovens with millions of prisoners in World War II.” Regarding France, Romney said, “I hear those French presidents really know how to get women.

Maybe I could share a thing or two from my culture about keeping multiple wives.”

French Pres i dent Francois Hollande was quoted as saying, “He seems like a nice enough man. Maybe he’d like to visit us after the election, when the pressure will be off, and he’ll have plenty of time to visit as a regular US citizen.”

Jenna Jameson Clarifies Her Endorsement of Romney NEW YORK – Concerned that her endorsement of former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney for President would lead to “cheap, easy jokes and innuendo,” porn star Jenna Jameson held a press conference today to explain her headline-making decision.

When asked what initially appealed to her about Mr. Romney, Ms. Jameson said, “He’s the only person who’s assumed more positions than I have.”

The actress said that she researched Mr. Romney’s career thoroughly, and was particu-

14

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

larly impressed by his tenure at Bain Capital: “There’s nothing more American, I think, than screwing people you don’t know for money.”

While Mr. Romney’s recent foreign trip drew jeers from his critics, Ms. Jameson hailed his performance: “I respect someone who opens their mouth without thinking.”

The actress, who appeared as the character Holly So Tightly in the film Dirt Merchant, seemed unconcerned by the controversy swirling about Mr. Romney’s bank accounts in Switzerland and the Caymans: “I’ve put my assets in

ple nty of for e ign places.”

Ms. Jameson concluded her presser by reit er at ing her ful some sup port of the G.O.P. candidate: “Mitt Romney will do to all of America what I have already done to half of America.”

– Andy Borowitz

HUMOR TIMES

Alex Jones Calls Mars Landing a Fake Doubts Mars even a real planet Alex Jones, a radio personality most noted for his conspiracy theories, came out just hours after NASA announced the safe Mars landing of its Curiosity rover and labeled it a fake.

“Completely stage-managed, no doubt about it,” said Jones j ust minutes into his daily rant on the Alex Jones Show.

“First of all, cor rect me if I’m wrong, but NASA has been defunded.

So just how do they come up with $2.6 billion?

Corporate funding? Not that stupid. They aren’t gonna lay out the dough for a space mission with a 70% probability of failure.”

Asked where he got his figures, Jones said he can find anything if he looks hard enough, even if he has to make it up. “I’m pretty much in the ballpark,” he said. “At least I think I am.”

Jones claims Obama’s top advisers actually came up with the ‘Wag the Dog’ type Mars spectacular to take the heat off his plan to de-industrialize the coal industry in order to send energy rates soaring.

Jones claims that the videos of NASA scientists clapping and cheering as the alleged rover touched down on Mars are eerily similar to those he remembers from the movie “Contact.”

Jones then ended his show by discussing the conspiracy theories surrounding Dick Cheney’s unbelievably long life, considering his several heart attacks and heart transplant.

“No human heart can survive that, so I’m gonna throw something out there, folks,” said Jones. “Robots. MIT students. Bionics.”

Reported by by P. Beckert, Humor Times

First Suicide Bomber Union Formed In Iraq Initial meeting described as a ‘real blast’ Union-minded Iraqis today formed the Suicide Bombers Local No. 467 in Baghdad, but promptly had to look for a new union hall, as a couple of the members brought their work with them.

Sitting outside t he sm ol der i ng Dwindling membership of build ing, sur viv- first suicide bomber union. i ng m em ber s passed an ordinance stating that all bombs in the future must be left outside the front door — along with their shoes — when entering. The lone dissenting voter was beheaded.

Troubles did not end there, however. Neighbors of the new hall, a mosque on 76 Virgins Lane, complained about the loud exhortations of “Death To America!”, “Long Live Bin Laden!” and “Which Idiot Ordered Ham On The Pizza?” that went on deep into the night.

After the neighbors were all executed, things settled down again, until some neighborhood brats thought it would be fun to steal one of the vest bombs left by the front door and play “I’m a Jihadist.” Unfortunately for the fledgling union, the kids chose the same mosque they were meeting in.

– Roger Freed, Humor Times

September, 2012

Economy It’s a tightrope act for many in this economy... and it’s getting tougher.

Meanwhile, Congress keeps taking us to the brink... and playing chicken...

while the middle class shoulders the burden... which suits the suits just fine.

September, 2012

HUMOR TIMES

15

Presumptive Rominee Romney burst onto the world stage...

eager to learn.

He finally chose a running mate... who is bound to help him win.

By now, he knows all the tricks... and how to please a national audience.

16

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2012

A Taxing Campaign Somehow, a vicious rumor got started...

but Mitt was too smart for that.

Still, it was clear something had to be done...

so Romney went to Europe...

where people see him differently...

September, 2012

and he could dream of better days.

HUMOR TIMES

17

The Incumbent Obama is running against the economy...

and it’s dampening his enthusiasm.

The challenge is clearer than ever...

but it ain’t gonna be easy.

His VP is a little unpredictable...

18

and his opponents are latching onto that.

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2012

Argus Sez WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange got diplomatic immunity in Ecuador from getting prosecuted for leaking cables that embarrassed the U.S. government. The case is weak. If embarrassing the U.S. government were a crime, Joe Biden would be on death row at Leavenworth.

NASA scientists completed an intellect upgrade on the Mars Curiosity rover. It seems unfair. Why is it Americans can conduct an intellect upgrade on a golf cart forty million miles away but we have to accept our vice presidents the way God made them?

Joe Biden refused to apologize for telling a black audience that Republicans plan to put them back in chains in Virginia. At least everyone’s listening. There’s been a boom in bomb shelter construction ever since he gave a speech in Tokyo last week.

Rudy Giuliani openly ques tioned Joe Biden’s mental capacity. He’s insulted minorities, he’s sworn onstage and he’s asked a wheelchair-bound person to stand up for a round of applause. It raises a lot of questions, and the answer to all of them is too much Scotch.

Mitt Romney reacted angrily to Joe Biden accusing the GOP of wanting to put blacks in chains. He was insulted. Mitt Romney has homes in Utah, Massachusetts and in New Hampshire, where chains save lives on the road every winter and are regarded highly.

President Obama’s order allowing work permits for young illegal aliens took effect in mid-August. He’ll let them stay here if they pay five hundred dollars for a permit. It’s viewed by some as a humane gesture and by others as a new low in campaign fundraising.

Bill Clinton agreed to give the key note speech at the Democratic Convention. Today’s

ARGUS HAMILTON

young adults were only seven dur ing the Monica scandal. They may have been lousy in math and science but they could spell fellatio younger than any other generation in history.

President Obama campaigned in Iowa where he proposed that the federal government buy up beef to help raise prices. He admitted that the economy is a little sluggish right now. That’s true, in the same way that Elvis Presley’s a little sluggish right now.

History Channel News polled American historians on President Obama’s legacy this past month. The poll showed the Obama presidency was rated as a failure by over sixty percent of historians. The good news is, they’re the highest poll numbers he’s had in years.

Florida police arrested a man for shoplifting who was completing a national stealing spree from appliance, electronics and grocery stores.

He boasted he’s shoplifted in all fifty states. If convicted, he could get two-to-forty years in the United States Congress.

Homeland Security official Suzy Barr was sued for sex harassment by male ICE agents.

They claim the women bosses at DHS treated them like male strippers at the office. The defense plans to introduce evidence that they were never once late for work.

Minnesota released a study showing that movie popcorn butter has a chemical that causes memory loss. This could save a lot of careers.

Baseball players can now tell Congress they just saw a double feature and cannot remember whether they took steroids.

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September, 2012

HUMOR TIMES

19

Miscellaneous Mischief

20

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2012

September, 2012

HUMOR TIMES

21

We’re Number 1

Parting Shots In Egypt, the new prez is asserting himself...

The London Olympics were a big hit...

while in Syria, Assad’s cruelty has backfired... with Americans getting the most medals...

and in North Korea, the Supreme Leader got hitched.

though back home, we were the last to know.

22

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2012

September, 2012

HUMOR TIMES

23

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