“Slavery is the legal fiction that a person is property. Corporate personhood is the legal fiction that property is a person.” – David Korten, When Corporations Rule the World
Issue #251
November, 2012
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Editor’s Letter There’s nothing super about SuperPACs, if you’re a fan of democracy. Their spending is pretty spectacular, however, especially if you’re a media recipient, awash in all that fast and loose cash. That would be mostly TV networks and local stations, of course. Could this be why we hear nary a peep from said television media, about the corrosive effect of all this spending? The only critical things we hear are from mostly independent websites, and some national newspapers and magazines. After all, print isn’t getting a whole lot of that easy money. Most of the SuperPAC money is being used to trash the opposition, not only in the race for president, but in congressional races across the country. In fact, unless you live in a swing state, you don’t see many presidential ads at all. Why bother? They’re free to target their torrent on the few swing counties within those swing states. Ah, the Electoral College system, ain’t it grand? A few counties in the U.S. will determine our president. See anything wrong with this picture? You’ve seen the local “trash cash” ads. They’re cookie cutter. Since most of the PAC money is backing Republicans, those are the ads you see most of. Every Democratic candidate is attacked for backing the “failed” stimulus (even though the bailout was a bipartisan vote, and happened in October 2008 – before Obama was even elected, let us not forget). The Dems are also attacked for voting for Obamacare, which the ads say will cut $716 billion dollars from Medicare (they don’t mention that that is over the next 10 years). Ooh, that’s right, scare those seniors! Funny thing, Ryan’s budget plan mentioned cutting the very same amount. Difference is, Ryan’s “savings” would go straight to health care insurance companies and would hurt recipients, while most of Obamacare’s savings come out of the pockets of those same greedy insurance companies, and in more efficient administration of care. The obscene profits those companies have been collecting are the major reason our health costs are so much higher per capita than the rest of the industrialized world. But the ads don’t even mention the Republican plan’s identical cuts, and certainly don’t talk about the difference in implementation. Talk about hypocritical. Anyway, with the terrible Citizen’s United decision in early 2010 by the Supreme Court (five conservatives over the liberal justices), our democracy is being bought up, and fast. If the big money succeeds in taking over our congress and presidency, there is little hope the decision will ever be countered by federal law or constitutional amendment. Welcome to the new Plutocracy, where mega-corporations rule, their employees in Washington eager to do their bidding, lest they get washed out by the next huge tsunami of cash. – James Israel, Publisher/editor
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P.S. The holiday season is fast approaching. Why not give something truly unique, like the Humor Times? It’s the gift that keeps on giving, all year long! See form below. Thank you! The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 21, Issue 251, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Inc., Galt, CA 95632. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, P. Beckert, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, Ben Krull, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2012. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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Rumble for the White House The debates started predictably enough...
but it was obvious early on...
that Obama failed to show up.
As a result, Mitt’s campaign was reanimated.
Many were quite surprised... but he had endured a grueling debate prep. (continued)
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HUMOR TIMES
November, 2012
Amazingly, it was ol’ Joe “the gaffer” who helped stem the tide...
and then Mitt gave a big assist himself...
making Dems positively giddy.
There was much debate about the debate...
which, it could be argued, was even more consequential. Now, Obama looks to regain his mojo, no matter what.
November, 2012
HUMOR TIMES
5
Winners and Losers Ringside at the Undercard Needed three towels to wipe down my living room after the vice presidential wrestling match, er, debate. In this highly anticipated undercard bout, Joe Biden and Paul Ryan took off the gloves, put on their red, white and blue Lucha Libre masks and went at each other hammer and tongs for 90 minutes with straight policy jabs and sweeping rhetorical hooks. Most of which whiffed, but it’s the thought that counts. No knockdowns were recorded in this no-holds-barred event, but the majority of ringside judges gave the decision to Biden on points, mainly for stopping his base’s bleeding and blocking his opponent’s momentum. And doing it all without suffering a stroke on national TV. Although, it was close. Kudos were also tossed Martha Raddatz’s way, who refereed the event with a command and aplomb that had veteran observers refer to her as the anti-Jim Lehrer. She actually seemed to listen to the responses at this debate and called candidates out when they tried to weasel away. A recurring theme. Paul Ryan’s intensive training regimen paid off, and he punched and counter punched all evening while smiling so hard you could almost hear the enamel cracking inside his mouth. The duplicitous platform he was forced to defend seemed to suck all the moisture out of his body as he kept downing glass after glass of water, which fortunately was replenished regularly, or the GOP budget guru might have spontaneously combusted.
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Meanwhile Joe Biden showed great restraint in checking his normal penchant for dismantling the shared debate desk and chewing it into pieces. Like an aging Chihuahua let outside after a long weekend locked in the basement, he yapped and barked and laughed maniacally, frequently exposing expensive dental work to all and frightening many children in the audience. Seemed like the former senator from Delaware had downed a couple quart containers of caffeinated Ensure. Then again after viewing the results, the White House might want to insure a case of Ensure is ready for President Obama next Tuesday at the debate at Hofstra University in New York. Both Catholic combatants, the 69-year-old vice president and the 42 year old Wisconsin Congressman, waltzed delicately around the ring of malarkey when the question of abortion was raised, and a no-smirking zone was briefly established on both sides. And finally, not a single word about Big Bird. Obviously these two pugilists don’t have their finger on the pulse of the American people. On the style-versus-substance front, the GOP accused the vice president of being loud, overbearing and rude. The very same qualities they called bold and commanding when Romney wore them at last week’s debate. Hey, you guys: make up your mind. Pot-kettle-black much? The Democratic ticket needs a visa to get out of Goldilocks Land: one half too cold — the other, too hot. But this reeking heap
HUMOR TIMES
WILL DURST
of steaming veep meet between pseudo-friends was entertaining, if not informative, and we could easily sell a rematch on pay-per-view, but only if the two fighters promise not to wear spandex. Maybe in 2016? October Surprises That Might Have Been When the end draws near and prospects darken, and polls solidify in the wrong direction, and the base sinks lower than the toenail clippings of a Galapagos turtle, does the practiced political operative give up? No sir, they whip out their secret weapon. Not the candidate’s spouse. The real ace up the sleeve — The October Surprise. Every campaign has one. Or more. It’s a piece of opposition research stashed away for a rainy day. For safe-keeping, behind glass, like a fire axe: “Open in the event of impending doom.” Something so incendiary it’s concealed in an asbestos-lined box buried deep behind the campaign manager’s underwear drawer. A last-minute revelation guaranteed to rip the skin off the opponent’s slick exterior and expose him or her to be the morally bereft, fire-breathing extremist everyone was secretly afraid they were. Then again, it could be a tax cut or lavish promise or a grandstanding, self-inflating shot of adrenaline. “You never suspected I was this good, did you?” Even front-runners need to be prepared. One good October Surprise deserves another. “They pull a knife. You pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. It’s the Chicago Way. And that’s how you get Romney.” The October Surprise is the joker in the American electoral deck of cards. Dealt under the table and below the belt. After minds have been made up and money spent, a well-played OS can turn a game around quicker than three crews of NFL replacement refs. A sample of the sort of shenanigans that might have been: OCTOBER 8: Barack Obama announces a deal with Jamba Juice to place coupons for free fruit smoothies on all 1040 forms. OCTOBER 11: Immediately after vice presidential debate, Joe Biden disappears for rest of campaign. Nobody, including family and personal staff, notices. The police don’t suspect foul play. Then again, they don’t rule it out either. OCTOBER 13: Mitt Romney vows, if elected, to write a $250 personal check to every man, woman and child in America. Fox News calls this a game changer. OCTOBER 15: Donald Trump unveils a cave painting in Provence, France that portrays a figure that looks eerily like Barack Obama descending from what appears to be a space ship. OCTOBER 18: On way to a rally in Langley, Va., Barack Obama stops motorcade to run into burning building, saving 3-year-old twins. OCTOBER 19: Inspired by Larry Ellison’s purchase of the Hawaiian Island of Lanai, the Koch brothers offer $200 billion for Ohio. As is. OCTOBER 21: On the way to church, Romney personally beats off masked bullies who are attempting to impale a litter of puppies with nail guns. Shar Pei puppies. The cutest kind. OCTOBER 24: Blurry YouTube video surfaces showing Barack Obama chain smoking cigarettes in the loading bay of a Toledo convention center before a fund raiser. OCTOBER 28: The State Comptroller of Ohio announces the Koch brothers sale cannot go through due to the fact that George Soros has already acquired 60 percent of the state. OCTOBER 30: The LA Times releases grainy time-lapse photographic evidence of Mitt Romney at a Portsmouth, N.H. coffee shop downing three triple espressos.
November, 2012
Voter Election Fraud The GOP is concerned with voting problems...
so they’re making it harder to vote.
The changes seem to affect only the old and poor...
but Repubs see nothing wrong with that.
Funny, it seems the only ones getting caught cheating...
are the finger pointers.
November, 2012
HUMOR TIMES
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Long Slog People are taking matters into their own hands...
tired of waiting for Congress to move.
Wall Street’s regulators seem out of their league...
and hard working Americans get no respect.
Meanwhile, things are looking a little less bad...
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which has nearly everyone feeling good.
HUMOR TIMES
November, 2012
Embassy Embarrassment There was much confusion around the attack...
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Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without … November, 2012
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What They Said We are drowning here, with gaping holes torn into the hull of the ship of state from charges detonated by the owners and manipulators of capital. Their wealth has become a demonic force in politics. Nothing can stop them. Not the law, which has been written to accommodate them. Not scrutiny — they have no shame. Not a decent respect for the welfare of others — the people without means, their safety net shredded, left helpless before events beyond their control. The obstacles facing the millennial generation didn’t just happen. Take an economy skewed to the top, low wages and missing jobs, predatory interest rates on college loans: these are politically engineered consequences of government of, by, and for the one percent. So, too, is our tax code the product of money and politics, influence and favoritism, lobbyists and the laws they draft for rented politicians to enact... Yes, the results are in and our elections have replaced horse racing as the sport of kings. Only these kings aren’t your everyday poobahs and potentates. These kings are multi-billionaire, corporate moguls who by the divine right, not of God, but the United States Su preme Court and its Cit i zens United decision, are now buying politicians like so much pricey horseflesh. All that money pouring into super PACs, much of it from secret sources: merely an investment...in the best government money can buy. – Bill Moyers, February 14, 2012 “If corporate hegemony is rightly understood as the overarching threat to world democracy today — the threat from which all other threats derive when governments stand captured by corporatocracies — then it is the ab surd ist le gal ity of corpo rate personhood that serves as the functional lever of that hegemony. In this epochal battle for the future of planet earth, the humans against the corporations, the survival of the humans will depend on a dramatic legal assault, with nothing less than the murder of corporate personhood as the goal. – Christopher Ketcham, AlterNet, January 22, 2011
The Hightower Lowdown America’s Pusillanimous Press Let us now access the state of the free press in this land of ... well, of press freedom. The assessment? Pathetic. Not because of any government clampdown, but because of increasing press pusillanimity. In recent years, newspaper reporting had already been severely weakened by drastic cutb ack s in new s rooms (in c lud ing the near-abandonment of hard-nosed investigative re port ing by con glom er ate CEOs a n d bean-counters more interested in upping the corporate stock price than in providing journalistic exposes). But the latest decline comes from newsroom managers and staff who’ve chosen to compromise on a core aspect of good reporting: conducting untainted, straightforward interviews. Those in charge of running major newspapers and blogs these days have gone all wonky on their basic job of getting public and corporate figures to provide honest, informative answers to important who-what-when-whereand-why questions that inform the citizenry. The compromise they’ve made is a pernicious practice called “quote approval.” This began with PR flacks for public officials and political candidates demanding that reporters agree — as a price of being granted an interview — to submit any quotes they intend to use from the interview to the interviewee’s staff for approval. Thus, when Mr. Big blurts out something shocking, stupid or actually newsworthy, Mr. Big’s staff of bowdlerizers can tidy it up or just erase it. The comment might’ve been news, but — zzzzzzztt — it’s gone, as though it were never uttered. It’s not surprising that today’s media-sensitive political figures (including Barack Obama and Mitt Romney) would demand this extraor-
dinary right to censor what they themselves said, but it’s utterly despicable that media bosses and reporters have so gutlessly caved in to the de mand. It re duces re port ers from hard-nosed diggers to brown-nosed beggars, and it makes a mockery of our democracy’s need for a free press. Yet many of America’s major publications — from Bloomberg News to The New York Times — have meekly surrendered to this restraint. And now, corporate executives have realized that, hey, we can emasculate the press, too! Thus, Wall Street barons, Silicon Valley hotshots and even the bosses of media conglomerates are de mand ing (and get ting) quote approval for stories about their operations. David Carr, the media columnist for The New York Times, admits that he’s also succumbed to these demands: “Most of the time,” he wrote in a Sept. 17 column about the insidious giveaway of journalistic control, “I push back, but if it’s (a quote) I feel I absolutely need, I start negotiating.” Of course, it’s his independence and journalistic integrity that he’s bargaining away — a troubling fact that Carr acknowledged at the end of his column: “Inch by inch, story by story, deal by deal, we are giving away our right to ask a simple question and expect a simple answer, one that can’t be taken back.” As an exasperated Casey Stengel asked about the bumbling 1962 New York Mets baseball team he was managing, “Can’t anybody here play this game?” Yes. Young journalists can — and they are. Editors of student papers are beginning to reassert reportorial ethics by rebelling against the absurdity of quote approval. The editors of the Harvard Crimson student newspaper, for example, declared in “A Letter to Our Readers” on
JIM HIGHTOWER Sept. 4 that they will no longer submit quotations by Harvard honchos back to them for cleansing. Calling the shift a matter of trust with readers, the editors rightly noted that quote approval defeats the ability of their reporters “to capture and channel the forthright, honest words of Harvard’s decision-makers to all those who might be affected. It’s time for these constrained interviews to come to an end.” Likewise, the editor of Princeton University’s student paper has halted the use of email interviews favored by chary school officials who seek to barricade themselves from rigorous reporting. The prevalence of email-only responses, he wrote, produces “stilted, manicured quotes that often hide any real meaning.” Bingo! Now, if only some of this youthful integrity and journalistic gutsiness would rub off on the poltroonery of America’s press elders. To learn more and to help stiffen the Jell-O backbones of other “news” sources, connect with Fair and Accuracy In Reporting at fair.org.
“Just as nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances there is a twilight. And it is in such twilight that we all must be aware of change in the air – however slight – lest we become unwilling victims of the darkness.” – William O. Douglas, former Supreme Court Justice
Right now, the top 1 percent controls more than 23 percent of all income earned in America. The top 1 percent controls more than the bottom 50 percent. It’s not only that the rich are getting richer. The very, very rich are getting richer. In the last 25 years, we have seen 80 percent of all new income going to the top 1 percent. On top of all this…as a result of the Citizens United de ci sion…[bil lion aires are flooding] states with all kinds of negative, dishonest ads in an effort to...elect people who will stand up for right-wing billionaires... Right now, according to a number of studies, we are losing about $100 billion every year because corporate America and the very wealthy are stashing their money in tax havens like the Cayman Islands and Bermuda. We should be aware that in 2009, ExxonMobil made $19 billion in profits and not only did the company not pay anything in taxes, it got a $106 million refund from the IRS. We should also be aware that since 1997, we have almost tripled funding for the military. So if we are serious about reducing the deficit, those are things we need to look at—not at Social Security, not programs everyday Americans need... If we act, we can win this fight. It is crucial that we do, because if we don’t—if they roll over us now—there is no stopping them. It is time we organize. – Sen. Bernie Sanders
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HUMOR TIMES
November, 2012
A Little Knowledge Can Be Dangerous – Says Taliban The Pakistani Taliban like to think they’re tough...
and nearly fearless...
and they prefer to stick with what they know.
Meanwhile, Netanyahu scares Iran...
Hugo Chavez keeps on going and going...
and the EU won a prize.
November, 2012
HUMOR TIMES
11
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Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Apple Advises Maps Users Canada Tightens Effort to Subdue Inner-City Not to Go Anywhere Sesame Street Gang Successful Border CUPERTINO – Apple C.E.O. Tim Cook Several famous Sesame Street forcement and FBI agents cordoned OTTAWA – Canada announced today that it was tight ening security along its border with the United States amid concerns that there could be a mass migration of illegal Americans after Tuesday, November 6th.
Mass migration feared.
According to Randolph McTavish, Deputy Commissioner of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, border patrols are on alert due to an “increase in chatter” indicating that a threat to Canada’s border might be imminent. “We’ve been intercepting troubling com ments from som e very freaked-out people,” he said. “Most of it has been on NPR call-in shows.” Stating that the R.C.M.P. is patrolling every kilometre of the Canadian bor der, he is sued this warning to Americans who might try to cross into Canada illegally: “If you drive a Prius, you will be stopped.” He also warned Americans against trying to slip across the border in the hopes of passing as Canadians: “It is very difficult, if not impossible, to pretend to like hockey.” Mr. McTavish said that he was sympathetic with those who might flee across the border in search of a new life and so cial ized med i cine, but added, “At the end of the day, forty-seven per cent of Americans is more than Canada can handle.” – Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport .com
characters were arrested today, and off the neighborhood, while Secret many more were injured, after the Service agents breached several United States Secret Service, acbuildings, throwing flashbang grecompanied by the FBI, DEA, and nades and taking down anyone that local law enforcement agencies, tried to tell us a funny story about raided the famous inner-city neighnumbers. We didn’t have time for borhood in an effort to thwart a kidcuddles and sunshine. It was all napping plot involving Republican about shock and awe this morning.” presidential candidate Mitt RomnThe Sesame Street raid led to the ey, who proudly announced during arrests of Big Bird, Kermit the Frog, the presidential debate on Wednes- Grover, alleged plot leader. Bert, Ernie, Cookie Monster, Count day that he would com pletely Von Count, and Grover. Animal, a defund PBS if elected. visiting Muppet in the wrong place at the wrong time, attempted to resist arrest, and after assaultKidnapping Plot Revealed “At approximately 9:50 pm Eastern time Fri- ing several officers, was taken down by tasers. day, we learned that five or more denizens of Ses- Animal was later discovered to be transporting apame Street were planning to drug and kidnap proximately 18 grams of cocaine in a condom that former Governor Mitt Romney,” explained Secret was concealed rectally. Service Director Mark Sullivan. “We have no reaSeveral Muppets were also injured during the son to believe they intended physical harm for raid as well. Snuffleupagus, Elmo, and Oscar the Governor Romney, but wanted to detain him, Grouch were in critical condition in the hours after teach him about the alphabet, instill a degree of the early-morning raid. Meanwhile, Amazing kindness and generosity in him, and detain him Mumford, Abby Cadabby, Curly Bear, and Rosita until after the presidential election on November all suffered moderate or mild injuries, and were released shortly after having been treated at the 6th of this year.” “The raid began at precisely 6:32 am this hospital. morning,” Sullivan continued. “Local law enReported by Matt Rock, Pardon the Pundit
Obama Seeking Re-Election Only for “Meatloaf Thursdays” “Let’s be clear,” says prez, “it’s delicious!” CLEVELAND – While fielding questions at a town hall-style meeting last night, President Obama openly admitted the only reason he is interested in spending four more years in the White House is Chef Jerry’s meatloaf every Thursday. Candace Strudder, 24, who ques tioned Obama’s motives for re-election, was initially surprised at this candidness, but seemed to gradually become more understanding. She, along with the entire audience, nodded her head as Obama elaborated, “This isn’t just any meatloaf; the recipe has been in Jerry’s family for years, and it’s bordering perfection.” Obama went on to explain his disinterest in the economy, job market, and foreign policy. “Nothing is going to change, people. You’re going to hate me even more in four years. Everything
Sketchiest Debate Ever In a nod to a Mitt Romney aide, who once said his boss’ campaign is “kind of like an Etch A Sketch,” an additional presidential debate took place last night incorporating the popular drawing toy. Jim Lehrer grudgingly came out of election coverage retirement to moderate the Etch A Sketch debate. “Good evening,” he said gravely. “This debate is sponsored by the Hasbro and FAO Schwarz Commission on Toy Presidents. “Each candidate has 10 minutes to draw a picture related to my questions, then the other candidate has five minutes to rebut with his own picture.” “Mr. President,” Lehrer said, turn ing to Obama. “How do you envision health care in the next few years?” Obama, who is left-handed (a sore point with the Re pub li can right) grabbed the Etch A Sketch’s left knob first, then the right, and then began twitchily etching his sketch.
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apologized for the ongoing problems with its Apple Maps app today, recommending that until it is fixed customers “should try not to go anywhere.” “Un til we get this straight ened out, I strongly urge y ou t o stay at home,” Mr. Cook advised iPhone users. “That’s your best bet for not getting lost.” Even as he apologized, Mr. Cook downplayed Apple Maps users advised to stay the number of home. Apple customers affected by the Maps glitch: “This only impacts Apple customers who have someplace to go. From what we can tell, most of our customers just go back and forth to the Apple Store and that’s pretty much it.” The Apple C.E.O. also advised customers whose iPhones consistently drop calls to “try using a land line.” – Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com
Study Concludes: Laughter Really Is Best Medicine
Obama takes a turn in a local DC kitchen preparing his Barackin’ BBQ Beef.
about this job blows – except, of course, the meatloaf,” Obama claimed. As the meeting ended, Obama was reportedly shaking down audience members for ketchup. Reported by Wi l l i a m Sch nabel , TheWashingtonFancy.com
People who laugh have lower levels of stress and stay healthier, according to the results of a new humor study announced today. “The better the quality of comedic input, the better the health of the individual,” said Medical scientist Robert Schmeidfeld. “After thorough comparisons, we recommend the strongest remedy of all – the Humor Times. Simply put, it is the best medicine.” Health-conscious people are advised to get their “subscription prescriptions” immediately, and to give them to friends and relatives this holiday season.
‘Etch A Sketch’ debate format to draw more ‘visually-oriented’ youth voters
Graphic by DonkeyHotey, flicker.com
“Mr. President, your time is up,” Lehrer said. “Look,” Obama said, “I’m the president. I get two more minutes. You gave him too many minutes in Colorado.” “Uh… Two more minutes.” Five minutes later, Obama held up his sketch. “This is a picture of folks I met in Bumpthat, Montana,” he said. “Mary Jane and Walter Moore didn’t have health insurance be fore Obamacare. Now these good folks have insur-
ance. See how happy these folks are now?” “Mr. President, all I can see is a bunch of dots and scribbles.” “Jim, look closely, can’t you see all the smiley faces?” “Not really. But let’s move on now, “ Lehrer said. “Gov. Romney?” “Who agreed to me being in this debate?” “Excuse me?” “I just hear this toy was invented by a French guy!” Romney said, shaking the Etch A Sketch at Lehrer. “Some guy whose first name was André!” “And…?” Lehrer said. “Jim, we need toys that are created by Americans! How are we going to afford health care if we keep buying stuff made in foreign countries? That path is not working. We need a new path. I am a new path. I am the path.” “Pathological,” Obama said under his breath. Romney threw his Etch A Sketch on the floor. The audience gasped as it shattered into
HUMOR TIMES
several pieces. “Why can’t we debate with American toys, like plastic Army men?” he whined. He pulled out some green and tan plastic figures from his pockets. “Here, Barack, you take those and I’ll take these. Me and my sons play, er, played with these all the time.” Lehrer maintained his deer-in-the-headlights expression. “Gov. Romney, I hate to tell you this, but the Etch A Sketch is manufactured in Ohio.” “Ohio?” “Yes?” “Ohio, the swing state?” “Yes, sir,” Lehrer said. Romney picked up what was left of the toy. “I didn’t know that! I love Ohio! Love, love, love Ohio! Can we shake this up and start all over again?” “I don’t think so,” Obama said. – Reported by Nancy Freiberg, Humor Times
November, 2012
Election Time in America Neighbor is turning against neighbor... and voters are disgusted.
Both sides want to make a knockout punch... and the back and forth is hard to follow.
Millions feel left out... as the suspense continues to mount.
November, 2012
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Distracted Democrats were buoyed by good job numbers...
and nothing could spoil their fun.
After the debates, though, things changed... and their mood began to sink.
However, Obama still has his key constituencies... and his goose is not yet cooked.
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November, 2012
All Business After the first debate, Romney felt energized...
November, 2012
able to dodge and weave like never before.
He’s offering all kinds of goodies...
and promises to help launch the middle class.
He’s says he’ll make the tough decisions...
but he may be overdoing it. (continued)
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All Business (conclusion) Mitt said he keeps binders full of women...
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but his party has a bad record on that subject.
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November, 2012
Argus Sez Cuba ended all travel restrictions on Cubans going abroad but warned them to get their immunization shots. After landing in Florida, many Cubans were bleeding from the ears. It’s the first symptom of over-exposure to post-presidential debate analysis. CNN’s Candy Crowley had to break up a confrontation during the presidential debate between Romney and Obama. No one knew where it was going. If they’d gotten into each other’s faces any closer we would have been having a debate about gay marriage. Barack Obama and Mitt Romney held a foreign policy debate in Florida. The debate was over whether we should invade everybody or wait for them to hit us. Every four years you must choose between the devil you know and the devil you also know. Mitt Romney said Sesame Street can be produced by its enormous endowment fund instead of taxpayer dollars. It’s been on the air for forty-three years. Big Bird is so old that this morn ing’s ep i sode of Ses ame Street was brought to you by the letters E.D. The Wall Street Journal reported that more and more Americans are moving overseas to look for career and business opportunities. Thousands are fleeing abroad. Now people in other countries will know what it’s like to lose their American jobs to a foreigner. Nike ter mi nated its deal with Lance Armstrong, citing the overwhelming evidence he cheated with performance-enhancing drugs. Nike has a very strict drug policy. They’ll fire any children in their Vietnamese factory if they test positive for Ritalin. Dutch police report art thieves hit an art museum in Rotterdam. They stole paintings from Picasso, Monet, and Matisse. Appraisers say they’re worth hundreds of millions of dollars, and that’s just the oil in the paint and the gold leaf in the picture frames. The New York Yankees benched Alex Rodriguez in the AL playoffs. He still has six years
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November, 2012
and one hundred eighty million left on his contract. And just think, only three years ago the Yankees owner was feeling sorry for the Mets owner because he invested with Bernie Madoff. The Rolling Stones will play two concerts in London and two in New York for twenty-five million to mark their fiftieth anniversary next month. The years have taken their toll. They’ve got to time the Cialis just right so they don’t slump onstage during the encore. The L.A. City Council okayed a photo-ID library card for illegal aliens that can be used to get a debit card and benefits. How nice. To make sure merchants trust the cards and accept them, the city is having them printed and laminated illegally in MacArthur Park. The Taliban’s leader targeted Pakistan’s TV and newspapers recently. He’s claiming media bias after the Taliban shot a teenager for advocating education. Hitler always read the London newspapers first every morning to see how he’s playing where it matters. Mitt Romn ey’s surg ing poll num bers prompted threats by Democrats via Twitter to riot if he gets elected. Reaction was swift. Electronics stores in Los Angeles scheduled huge clearance sales the weekend before Election Day so there will be nothing left to loot. Fame Daddy website began offering celebrity sperm for thirty grand to women who want babies with star DNA from entertainment, sports or business. It’s easy to figure out whose sperm it is. Nine months later the new mother will be greeted by the paparazzi, by minor league scouts, or by accountants wanting to know the name of the new deduction.
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Miscellaneous Mischief
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November, 2012
November, 2012
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Parting Shots The Supremes think too much money is just enough...
and corporations agree, it’s da bomb...
Uzupis: Where Humor Reigns Over Communists and Capitalists By Roger Freed • Everyone is responsible for his freedom. • Everyone has the right to understand nothIn 1991 the people of Lithuania declared ing. their independence from the Soviet Union. In 1997 the people of Uzupis, a district of Vilnius, • Everyone has the right to appreciate his importance. the capital of Lithuania, declared their indeUzupis appears to be doing better than in its pendence from Lithuania and got it, sort of. Uzupis is a quiet part of town on the far side sewer-less days. Today here are nice shops, of the Vilnele River, east of the old town of banks and restaurants there. The constitution is proudly displayed on a Vilnius. It is a small district composed of a hill with the Vilnele wrapping around three of its street wall in multiple languages along with the open hand sym bol that bordering sides. For centustands for Uzupis. A statue ries it was the neglected part of an egg as symbol for the of town, lacking in simple town has now been reamenities like running waplaced by a more formal anter. It was often the home gel trumpeting the creative for pros ti tutes, squat ters freedom of Uzupis, the egg and other undesirables. having been moved to anDuring Soviet times, artother local. Another popuists started to move in and lar statue, that of a mermaid make it theirs. After the perched on a shelf, took a throwing off the Russians swim during a flood one things continued to simmer year, and, once recovered, in Uzupis until finally on was given a safer perch to April 1, 1997 (please note attend. the other fa mous signifiThe hand with a hole in cance of this particular day– it is the symbol for the town it is no coincidence) they and also makes up the declared themselves a free state. A statue of an egg serves as a symbol for Uzupis flag. It stands for the phi los o phy that in A C on s ti tu tion w a s the town of Uzupis. Uzupis no one can take drafted, their own flag created, a President and Cabinet elected, their own anything from anyone else because the item currency and anthem created and a standing taken would fall though the hole in the hand. There are a couple entertaining videos on army of 11 to 14 hardy souls enlisted (since disYoutube over Uzupis. One shows the anniverbanded, probably from lack of usage). Uzupis eggThe Constitution of Uzupis is sary celebration where the residents set up a unique in the congresses of the world as we border con trol on the bridge en ter ing and stamped peoples passports with the official know it. Some of its dictates are: stamp of the ‘country’. Another has the ‘Minis• Everyone has the right to die, but it is not ter of Peace’ giving a Spanish journalist a tour of an obligation. the burg. • Everyone has the right to make mistakes. It is nice to know that there are still places in • Everyone has the right to be happy. the world where insanity is not considered a bad • Everyone shall remember their name. thing.
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