Humor Times, Dec 2012

“I ain't a communist necessarily, but I been in the red all my life.” – Woody Guthrie

Issue #252

December, 2012

EXTRA EXTRA Laugh All About It! Formerly the Comic Press News

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Editor’s Letter The Petraeus scandal is amazing. A spy novel writer would be accused of being too unbelievable with a plot like this.

Let me see if I’ve got it straight. The decorated celebrity Iraq war general-turned-spy chief is outed having an affair with his sexy-yet-buff biographer, Paula Broadwell. It seems they were discovered after she sent an angry email to a second woman she believed was messin’ with her general. Oh, boy!

A love triangle – perfect for a juicy story the cable news networks can milk for a ratings boost!

Now, the second woman, Jill Kelley, gets her friend, the FBI agent, to look into this be-otch sending her threatening emails. Naturally, Ms. Kelley must be having an affair with the FBI agent too, as he got caught texting her shirtless photos of himself.

Now it’s a tawdry little love quadrangle we got going. But the story is just getting started. Next, the current supreme commander (which Patraeus used to be) of the war in Afghanistan, Gen John Allen, is found to have emailed the second woman tons of times, and is obviously involved with her. Now we have a love pentagon. How fitting – we are talking about top military brass, after all.

We’ve also got three — count ‘em — THREE major branches of the U.S. security apparatus involved: The army, the CIA and the FBI. But wait, there’s more! Jill Kelley’s identical twin, Natalie Khawam, received testimonies in a law suit vouching for her good character from — can you believe it? — both Generals Petraeus and Allen.

Oh yeah, and both sisters are saddled with staggering debts. Khawam declared herself bankrupt earlier this year, with liabilities of $3.6 million. For her part, twin Jill is mired in lawsuits from a string of banks totaling $4 million.

And by the way, just for good measure, Miss Khawam also once dated Charlie Crist, the state’s former governor.

Sure, that makes sense. In fact, it seems inevitable now, that someone else high in the government or military will join the fray soon – maybe it’ll even engulf members of the press. And/or perhaps lobbyists; or British royals; or – why not – pro athletes. Then it’ll just keep spreading outward, until the every public figure in the country is somehow involved in an ongoing, interwoven, Payton Place-type national soap opera.

This would all make good fiction – if a bit unbelievable – a nice diversion from reality. But as reality, it’s just a distraction. I say who cares who’s fooling around with who. Are they doing their jobs? That’s the main thing. All this domestic spying will eventually get everyone in the government fired, because nobody’s a saint.

It’s a leftover Puritanical obsession that we really need to lose. The world is burning, and we’re caught up in a bad sex novel. Let’s have a good chuckle, and get on with the work at hand.

– James Israel, Publisher/editor

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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 21, Issue 252, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Election, American Style Heroic voters overcame big obstacles...

and many challenges.

Certain states loomed large in the electoral vote...

so both candidates were very attentive to them.

“Job creators” were generous with their “advice”... and rich guys like to participate too. (continued)

4

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2012

The high tide of the big storm lifted one boat...

and Americans proved they are resilient.

The vote came down to a well-defined choice...

and eventually, everyone made theirs.

The reasons they voted the way they did will be debated... and the losers have time to reflect. (continued pg 7)

December, 2012

HUMOR TIMES

5

It’s All Over But the Whining Ten Females Who Cost Mitt Romney the Presidency Holey moley catfish. Well, thank god that’s finally over. Further thanks that the climax was quick and clean. Almost surgical.

Not as long a night as many first thought it might be. Except for Karl Rove that is, who for all we know is still scribbling numbers to prove the call on Clinton’s re-election win in 1996 was premature. And as usual, Florida did all it could to gum things up, but was eventually rendered irrelevant. And long may it remain so.

Mitt Romney lost. Or shall we say, found a thousand ways to lose. Except for one brief, shining moment in the first debate, virtually carrying with him a defeat diviner.

And each and every one of his failures can be traced directly to females. The distaff of life. Single women. Married women. Old women. Young women. Ladies and divas and flappers and baby mamas; duchesses, priestesses, shorties and floozies. So here they are, the top ten females who cost Mitt Romney the presidency, each of them representing one of the myriad factors that helped construct the unelectable mosaic that became Bain’s Captain of Industry: Michele Bachmann. Mitt had to draft on her right wing to win the primary battle, and when he tried to tack back to the center appeared not to be the Washington Outsider he claimed, but a typical politician with the core values of a hollowed-out chocolate Easter Bunny. With really good hair.

Newly elected U.S. Sen. Elizabeth Warren from Massachu-

6

setts. A state the former governor lost by 23 points. Proof positive the man arouses the enduring passion of a broken garden rake.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who took foreign policy off the table, making the entire election about the economy which kept getting better, gol darn it. And who can forget her husband.

He certainly won’t let us.

Sandra Fluke, who gave a face to the GOP’s Paleolithic Bronze Age attitudes towards women, further exacerbated by the fact that no man in the party could seemingly shut up about it.

Michelle Obama, who is just darn likable. As is her husband.

A stark contrast to Romney’s cyborg demeanor and obvious discomfort around members of the human species.

Superstorm Sandy, for providing the opportunity for the president to look presidential and for Obama and Chris Christie to French kiss on Atlantic City’s Boardwalk ,crystalizing the concept that bipartisanship is not the saddest word. That’s “goodbye.”

Ann Romney, who would have made a simply terrific first lady. For Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Candy Crowley, who single-handedly halted Romney’s momentum in the second debate by speaking way above her pay grade. Don’t you hate it when the help speaks out of turn?

All the Wal-Mart Moms, who never really understood that whole Cayman Islands bank account thing marking him not as the poster child for the 1 percent, but as the poster child for the .0001

HUMOR TIMES

WILL DURST

percent of the 1 percent.

And the last female responsible for Romney’s loss; Rafalca the 15-year old mare who, while wearing the Romney silks in Olympic Dressage, failed to make the medal round and was probably shipped home strapped to the fuselage of a 747. Seriously, Mitt. Dressage?

Thanksgiving Blessings, 2012 Seriously? Both political parties talking pre-emptive smack barely a week after the election. Partisan politics? Again? So soon? Not even time to catch our breath? For crum’s sakes, give it a rest, you guys.

To be perfectly honest, a four-day weekend devoted to food, family and football might be the perfect prescription distraction to help us through these rebuking times. So here’s a couple rough examples of what a middle-aged, round-headed political comic counts as blessings over folded hands before performing a perfectly executed triple somersault into the gravy boat.

Barack Obama: Sec ond-term prom ises much big ger knock-down, drag-out fights with the Republican House. Not to mention the Democratic Senate.

General David Petraeus: Who knew generals had groupies?

Proves old high school adage: chicks dig stars. The larger the fruit salad, the more noxious the flies.

Karl Rove: Continues to lobby for a recount of the Florida and Ohio votes. From 2008.

The Newly Elected Congress: If you liked the 112th Congress, you’re going to love the 113th Congress. Gridlock grown tentacles.

Bill Clinton: As Secretary of ‘Splaining Stuff, he kicked Obama’s ball over goal line. Can’t wait to see what his touchdown celebration looks like. Probably a waltz with Hillary down the 2016 campaign trail.

Dick Cheney: Still feisty even after recovering from a heart transplant. Transplant? Mightn’t “installation” be more apt?

State of Florida: 12 years later, and they still can’t count.

Time to circumcise America. Cut Florida off and kick it into the Caribbean. Rename it North Cuba.

State of Texas: Threatening to secede again. But not seriously enough. Don’t think their heart is really into it.

Mitt Romney: Good news is he won’t have to ‘splain to the whole family why they’re moving into a smaller house.

Chris Christie: Love him or hate him, he’s not going away and is much too big to fail.

Donald Trump: The man just cannot shut the hell up. He’s the gift that keeps on giving. Should team up with Sarah Palin in a double act and take it on the road.

Paul Ryan: Reins of the GOP are his if he can hold onto them.

Has a lean and hungry look. Bobby Jindal would be wise to beware the Ides of March.

The Climate: Don’t know if anybody’s noticed, but it ain’t getting more placid out there.

Joe Biden: Less of a loose cannon and more of a loose aircraft carrier.

Michele Bachmann: Because every comedian needs a good right-wing nut job every now and then.

The Justin Bieber-Selena Gomez breakup: It’s not over. Oh, you may think it’s over, but it’s not over.

And finally, The Fiscal Cliff: And our nation turns its lonely eyes to those fabled Fiscal Cliff Divers, the Tea Party. All right everybody, who’s jumping first?

December, 2012

Election, American Style (conclusion) Billionaires tried to leverage their positions...

and were not happy with the return on their investment.

Poor Sen. McConnell’s lofty dream was crushed...

and the record spending yielded little.

It was close...

December, 2012

but it’s finally over.

HUMOR TIMES

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Frankenstorm Hurricane Sandy hit the Northeast hard...

which made folks appreciative of gov’t support.

People looked for shelter from the tempest...

Mitt Romney most of all.

Of course, it was just a freak storm...

8

one that has certain parallels. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2012

The extreme weather is a wake up call...

though many prefer to hit the snooze button...

and wait for a definitive answer.

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What They Said “The money powers prey upon the nation in times of peace and conspire against it in times of adversity. The banking powers are more despotic than a monarchy, more insolent than autocracy, more selfish than bureau cracy. They de nounce as pub lic enemies all who question their methods or throw light upon their crimes. I have two great enemies, the Southern Army in front of me and the bankers in the rear. Of the two, the one at my rear is my greatest foe.”

– Abraham Lincoln There are some people who wish us to enact laws which would seriously damage the right of free speech and which could be used not only against subversive groups but against other groups engaged in political or other activities which were not generally popular. Such measures would not only infringe on the Bill of Rights and the basic liber ties of our peo ple; they would also undermine the very internal security they seek to protect.

Laws forbidding dissent do not prevent subversive activities; they merely drive them into more secret and more dangerous channels. Police states are not secure; their history is marked by successive purges, and growing concentration camps, as their governments strike out blindly in fear of violent revolt. Once a government is committed to the principle of silencing the voice of opposition, it has only one way to go, and that is down the path of increasingly repressive measures, until it becomes a source of terror to all its citizens and creates a country where everyone lives in fear.

– President Truman's Special Message to the Congress 8 August, 1950 “To blame the poor for subsisting on welfare has no justice unless we are also willing to judge every rich member of society by how productive he or she is. Taken individual by individual, it is likely that there’s more idleness and abuse of government favors among the economically privileged than among the ranks of the disadvantaged.”

– Norman Mailer (1923-2007)

The Hightower Lowdown Billionaires Crap Out in 2012 Elections They came. They spent! Then, they limped home, tails between their legs.

“They” are the far-right corporate billionaire extremists who tried to become America’s presidential kingmakers this year. Unleashed by the Supreme Court’s Citizens United edict allowing unlimited sums of cash in our elections, they spewed an ocean of money into efforts to enthrone Mitt Romney in the White House and turn the Senate into a GOP rubber stamp for totally corporatizing government.

On election night, they gathered at exclusive Romney victory parties, but the celebratory mood quickly soured, for key states were choosing Democrats. The people were speaking, and (damn them) they seemed to be deliberately voting against the barons.

Take casino baron Sheldon Adelson, for example. He became the 2012 caricature of an obscene billionaire try ing to buy democracy.

Adelson rolled the political dice on eight candidates, betting more than $60 million — and crapped out on all of them.

Also, the uber-arrogant Koch boys, Charles and David, amassed some $200 million from their corporate vault and from other billionaires to knock out President Obama. But at evening’s end, there the president stood, re-elected by a majority of voters and winning with more than 56 percent of the electoral votes.

And Bob Perry, another self-serving, ultra-rightist billionaire dumped $21 million into GOP Super PACs trying to win senate races in Florida and Virginia, as well as the presidency.

All for naught.

Democrats not only gained two seats in the Senate, but new senators such as Elizabeth Warren, Tammy Baldwin and Mazie Hirono are expected to make the Senate more populist and

much feistier. Heidi Heitkamp, Joe Donnelly, Chris Murphy and Martin Heinrich are expected to make the Senate more progressive than it has been (admittedly a low standard) and less likely to support the kleptocracy the barons so dearly hoped to establish.

Of course, the billionaires aren’t through.

They reckon that the roughly one billion bucks they put up this year just wasn’t enough firepower. So look for even more obscene spending in 2014 and 2016.

Meanwhile, let’s check in on the premier political bagman for moneyed corporations: Karl Rove. You know it’s been a good election night when he has a hissy fit on national television.

It came at just past 11p.m., after he heard a TV network declare Obama the winner in Ohio.

This was not just any network; it was Fox, the Republican Party’s official propaganda machine! Rove, who is a rabidly partisan GOP politico and fundraiser, also doubles as an expert “analyst” for Fox. (Proof again that this network has amputated the word “conflict” from the ethical concept of “conflict of interest.” But I digress.)

Rove was sitting just off-camera on the Fox set when the on-air anchor team made the call on Ohio. In fact, he was on his cellphone at the time with a top Romney staffer who was wailing that Fox was wrong, that Romney was winning Ohio. With his right knee jerk ing furiously, Rove demanded to be put on the air to rebut the net work’s own professional vote counters. He got what he wanted, publicly chiding his Fox colleagues for being “premature.”

This prompted an unusual moment of dead air, after which anchor Megyn Kelly said, “Well, that’s awkward.” Since every news outlet and even Republican Party officials were by then conceding Ohio (and the presidency) to Obama,

JIM HIGHTOWER Kelly asked whether Rove was using his own math just to “make himself feel better.”

Bingo! Karl the Kingmaker was having a really bad night. In the past year, he had talked assorted corporations and fat cats into putting some $256 million into his attack ads against Dem o crats, as sur ing the do nors that their money and his political genius would put the White House and the Senate in GOP hands. He came up a bit short. For example, American Crossroads, one of Rove’s two political funds, spent $103 million to defeat Democratic Senate candidates, but the return on that investment was a pathetic 1 percent. Billionaires expect quite a bit better, so Rove had some explaining to do and some crow to eat.

By the way, in response to this brouhaha, Jon Stew art of Com edy Cen tral’s “The Daily Show” said, “’Math You Do As a Republican To Make Yourself Feel Better’ is a much better slogan than the one Fox has now.” But again, I digress.

To be fair to the Karlmeister, his 1 percent return on the money he handled is not atypical of the secretive Republican political funds in this election. The U.S. Chamber of Commerce laid out $31 million in dark money and got a 5 percent return on their funders’ investment.

Worse, the National Rifle Association surreptitiously invested $11 million in several Republicans — and got zero return.

As a researcher for the Sunlight Foundation, an independent watchdog group, put it: “It may mean people really don’t like big money in politics.”

Separate an individual from society, and give him an island or a continent to possess, and he cannot acquire personal property. He cannot be rich. So inseparably are the means connected with the end, in all cases, that where the former do not exist the latter cannot be obtained. All accumulation, therefore, of personal property, beyond what a man’s own hands produce, is derived to him by living in society; and he owes on every principle of justice, of gratitude, and of civilization, a part of that accumulation back again to society...

– Thomas Paine, “Agrarian Jus tice,” 1795

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HUMOR TIMES

December, 2012

Sex, Lies and Email Snooping A sex scandal rocked the military...

and all of Washington.

It was an unwelcome distraction...

international in scope...

involving venerable institutions...

December, 2012

and opening them up to criticism.

HUMOR TIMES

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“We Report, You Decry!”

Republicans Consider Welcoming Math and Science Believers WASHINGTON – Opting for a bold “big tent” strategy to rebuild the party, Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, told reporters today, “We need to welcome people who believe in different things than we do, like math and science.”

Republican “Big Tent” could get even bigger.

After disappointing results in Tuesday’s election, Mr. Priebus said that it was time for Republicans to become “m o r e t o l e r a n t o f t h o s e wi t h a math-and-science lifestyle.”

“Just because we don’t believe in those things doesn’t mean we can’t get along with people who do,” he said. “We want to send this message: math and sci ence Amer i cans are Amer i cans, too.”

In the biggest departure from its previous electoral strategy, Mr. Priebus said, the Republican Party is “even considering trying to appeal to women.”

“I read recently that women are as much as fifty-one per cent of the population,” he said. “That number sounded crazy high to me, but maybe one of our new math Republicans can check on it for us.”

In other news, the scandal involving former C.I.A. director David Petraeus took a startling twist today, as a leading right-wing conspiracy theorist claimed that General David Petraeus initiated his affair with author Paula Broadwell last year to avoid tes ti fy ing about Benghazi this week.

– Reported by Andy Borowitz

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Donald Trump’s Hair Asks for Hurricane Relief Funds NEW YORK, NY - Following the devastation “I saw that there were reporters out there,” exleft in the wake of Hurricane Sandy, New York plained Donald. “So I wanted to make my way in billionaire Donald Trump has asked that FEMA front of the TV cameras to reassure America that I funds be made available to his wind was ok. I have many fans around the ravaged hair. world who are concerned for my Trump made the request while safety, so I thought a little bit of camtaking cover from beneath his desk, era time was in order. Next thing I surrounded by support staff and hair knew a gust unraveled my hair from midtown to Queens. It quickly was care professionals. swept back around through the lower “For some reason, I can’t get our east side where it became tangled up worthless President on the phone,” in a turned over knish cart. I’m not said Trump. “He’s probably on the phone to China, selling them our gold sure it all made it back.” re serves in ex change for magic The federal government has not beans. I don’t know why that socialist responded to Trump’s request for reKenyan won’t take my calls, but if he Trump hair seeks relief. lief. thinks he can ignore the magnificence of Donald “We have more important things to deal with,” said FEMA spokesman Kevin Brooks. “We beTrump’s hair, he has another thing coming.”

The damage to Trump’s hair occurred when lieve that Honey Boo Boo may be trapped on a Mr. Trump ignored orders to take cover, and in- roof in Maryland. We already have her endorsestead began wandering the streets of Manhattan as ment.” the storm rolled in.

Reported by derfmagazine.com.

Voters Reveal Gifts from President Obama Mitt Romney recently called a number of his top donors, explaining that he lost the election because the President offered “gifts” to those that went out and voted for him. To investigate Romney’s claims, we decided to head to Ohio to ask swing state voters if they did, in fact, receive any gifts from the Obama campaign for their votes.

“I was going to vote for Mitt Romney, until Barack Obama gave me a toaster oven,” said Chris Giaimo, 36, of Columbus, Ohio. “I really liked Romney’s stance that 47% of Americans are scumbags, and as a cat person, I was proud that he had the courage and the conviction to stick a dog on a car roof. But come on... a free toaster oven!

And it’s a Frigidaire, too! Not some no-name piece of shit toaster!”

“I’m a half-black Puerto Rican lesbian woman that works two full-time jobs, so naturally, I had every intention of voting for Mitt Romney,” said Maria Hernandez, 29, of Cleveland. “I mean, who speaks better to being a minority, a lesbian, and a woman? But all of that changed when Obama gave me a Playstation 3! Thanks, Obama!”

Some of the gifts were quite expensive, too. “I was going to vote for Mitt Romney. But imagine my surprise when I walked outside on election day and saw a brand-new car sitting in my driveway!”

explained Tagg Romney, Mitt Romney’s son.

“Obama knows me... he really knows me! It was exactly the color I wanted, and with the right options... I couldn’t be happier! If Barack wants me to, I dunno, punch Mitt Romney in the face or kick him in the crotch or something, all he has to do is give me a call! I’ll do it for funsies!”

– Matt Rock, pardonthepundit.com

With Petraeus Out, Nation Looks to 007 A new national poll out today shows that 40.2% of Amer i cans want Gen eral Da vid P e t r a e u s’ r ep l a c e m e nt t o come from overseas – from Great Britain, to be exact — and have started a petition to get the man behind the world’s most dashing and dangerous num007 sought. Or Bourne. ber t o com e across the pond to head up the CIA. That’s right, they are asking for one man: Bond, James Bond.

The petition so far has 20,000 votes. The White House has pledged to respond to any petition that receives over 25,000 votes, so we caught up with Press Secretary Jay Carney, who had yet to hear of this, to ask him about it.

“There’s what? People want James Bond to lead the CIA? That cannot be accurate... oh wait, it can be. Did you know that Michele Bachmann won her reelection?”

Supporters of the idea seemed unaware that the actor Daniel Craig was not actually 007 himself. “He was so smart and really knew how to deal with them terrorists. I hope he can be our next head spy guy,” said Chuck Peterson of Springfield, Massachusetts.”

– Alyson Durden, pardonthepundit.com

Study Concludes: Laughter Really Is Best Medicine

Time Magazine “Person of the Year”

People who laugh have lower levels of stress and stay healthier, according to the results of a new humor study announced today.

“The better the quality of comedic input, the better the health of the individual,” said Medical scientist Robert Schmeidfeld. “After thorough comparisons, we recommend the strongest remedy of all – the Humor Times. Simply put, it is the best medicine.”

Health-conscious people are advised to get their “subscription prescriptions” immediately, and to give them to friends and relatives this holiday season. “See page 3,” he said.

Corporations Vie for Naming Rights for Newly Seceding Country A Humor Times Special Report and counties, as well as water and mineral Most Americans would agree that a split of rights, should these states succeed in seceding. the union would be disastrous. But another way They also have proposed a name for the new to see it — as the newly formed “National country: The “Corporate States of America.”

Chamber of Commerce” does — is that disasters “In the interests of efficient government, the can spell opportunity. For exprocesses for bill writing, seample, a brand new country lection and passage will be may need creative funding streamlined, along with prosources, like naming rights. motions to leadership roles, The new Chamber, coinciaccording to the best corporate dentally made up of all the p r a c t i c e s , ” s a id St e p h e n very same corporate members Colbert, first CEO of the as are represented in the U.S. newly formed Cor po rate Chamber of Commerce, sees States of America. an opportunity to form a much “This will mean the end of more business-friendly verdeadlock, and a new day for sion of America. the C.S.A!” He then started a With assistance from the chant, as other mem bers Chamber, the nation’s largest joined in, slowly at first, then corporations and banks have faster and faster: “C.S.A! immediately started bidding C.S.A! C.S.A! C.S.A! C.S.A! Colbert for President poster on naming rights for towns

by Andze J. Steweiner.

C.S.A!!!”

14

The Chamber also recommends new rules for more efficient elections.

There are many proposed innovations, such as the “We’ll Vote for You” programs initiated recently by many caring companies. “It makes voting a snap!” is their motto. “No more wasting time away from work. We know who you would vote for. We’ll take care of it,” says a brochure from one such company. “Later, we’ll let you know how you voted, on Facebook.”

If a citizen should insist on voting for himself, he or she will be permitted to either phone it in or send it in an email. “Or, if they’re really persistent, we may send them to designated locations where they may enter votes on touch screens we’ll provide,” said Florida Gov. Rick Scott.

The latest in voting technology, these machines have an “Auto-Vote” feature for the harried modern citizen’s convenience.

“Whoever picked Tuesday as voting day anyway?” asked Scott. “Voting during the week

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is such a hassle. So we’re doing everything we can to help the voter, and to expedite the process.”

If the voter still insists on being able to pick their own choices, they can pull the handy “Let Me Decide” lever on the machine. A trap door then opens below them, and they are deposited at the end of a 10 mile line of people, in a conveniently dark tunnel (“so tired voters can rest”).

Proponents of this brave new “corporate democracy” say they only want the best for their country.

CEO and future presidential candidate of the fledgling country, Stephen Colbert, explained: “The best people to run the country are the ones with the most cumulative experience, and that is not just any person, it’s a corporate person! After all, if corporate persons were allowed to hold seats in Congress, each seat would then have the collective wisdom of several leaders of the community — the board members of that corporation. And we’re only too happy to serve.”

December, 2012

Loserville Mitt did his best...

but it didn’t go as planned.

Republicans hoped for divine intervention... yet even that couldn’t save them.

Now it’s time for quiet reflection... because what’s done is done.

December, 2012

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15

Back in the Saddle Again Obama got a good scare... but is happy to keep his job.

He appreciates the opportunity... and is feeling pretty good.

He’s got high hopes... but will anything really change?

16

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December, 2012

Under Attack

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17

Cliff Diving With the campaign finally over...

18

it’s time to get fiscal.

The Speaker of the House is ready to help...

and the president is confident.

Republicans are ready to air it out...

but average Americans see it differently.

HUMOR TIMES

December, 2012

Out the Door

Merry Merry, Happy Happy It’s that time of year...

Many “patriots” are ready to quit...

to celebrate miracles... dreaming of a better land...

and wish goodwill to all. where they can be free.

December, 2012

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19

Miscellaneous Mischief

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December, 2012

December, 2012

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21

Argus Sez Hustler’s Larry Flynt announced he’ll move his porn studio to Mexico after L.A. voters forced porn actors to wear condoms. The movies will look ridiculous. There’s so much drug violence in Mexico that all the rest of the body parts will have to be covered in armor.

The Auto Club reports forty million Americans drove at least fifty miles to at tend Thanksgiving dinner this year. There’s a new spirit afoot. People don’t mind filling up their tanks and driving hundreds of miles to argue with their relatives about secession.

Texas Governor Rick Perry said that Texas won’t secede from the Union despite all the petitions. The movement is spreading. It’s really helped the movie box office for Lincoln because thousands of people are showing up at the screenings to boo him.

Florida Gators alum Kevin Lahn got around NCAA rules against improper benefits to players by adopting one. It could spark a pattern of rich white boosters adopting poor black players.

In six years Notre Dame won’t stand a chance against Colonial Williamsburg.

James Bond’s Skyfall showcases England’s top spy as a man who kills terrorists and sleeps around. The CIA’s top spy had to resign for doing the same thing. It’s what we get for allowing the Puritans to establish our country’s work ethic instead of the Episcopalians.

ARGUS HAMILTON

David Petraeus agreed to testify about the attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi. We’ve learned only one thing. If the terrorists who attacked the U.S. consulate had committed adultery with the four Americans instead of killing them, in two hours we’d have known all there was to know about the attack and the attackers, and which door they used.

General John Allen’s nomination as NATO commander was held up. There is evidence that Allen engaged in phone sex with Petraeus’s groupie Jill Kelley. At one point, she gets so aroused she offered to be his biographer.

General Petraeus’s groupie Jill Kelley was besieged inside her Tampa mansion by tabloid reporters. She called police and said she was an honorary U.S. consul general and she asked for diplomatic protection from the State Department. So they set her on fire.

General Petraeus agreed to face Congress to discuss the Benghazi attack and his sex scandal.

He had two mistresses fighting over him and a wife with a government job. He survived Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan and now comes the big one, Thanksgiving Dinner.

SOAPBOX! with

Jeanie Keltner

“Intelligent Talk” Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento

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December, 2012

December, 2012

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