Humor Times, Jan. 2013

“Better the occasional faults of a government that lives in a spirit of charity than the consistent omissions of a government frozen in the ice of its own indifference.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

Issue #253

January, 2013

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Editor’s Letter

Happy New Year!

2013

Assuming we made it past the end of the Mayan calendar (Dec. 21, 2012), Happy New Year!

We went to press pre-apocalypse, so we don’t know for sure if you ever got this. But we’ll plunge ahead as if, anyway!

We made it past all the other so-called “end of the world” scenarios, so I’m thinking it’s a good bet we’re going to get through this one.

Of course, we humans are working hard on wiping ourselves out anyway. If it’s not a mutant genetically-modified something-or-other escaping and wiping out our food supply, or the bees all dying and thus also wiping out our food supply, or nuclear annihilation, or just some random (or God-sent, depending on your point of view) asteroid, there are many ways to go.

Hopefully, we’ll get our act together, and at least give ourselves and our children, and our children’s children, a chance. One can only hope. And pray (again, depending – I don’t want to ruffle anyone’s feathers!).

Then, of course, there are all the smaller, yet still significant things that could go wrong, like going over the dreaded “fiscal cliff,” a prolonged recession (or depression), terrible effects of slow-but-sure global warming, etc, etc.

And of course, there could be more disturbed, unstable people out there getting access to guns and assault weapons.

These are things we can and must address.

But our government seems trapped in a dysfunctional, ever-downward spiral, as our so-called “representatives” continue to kowtow to the rich bastards and their powerful lobbies who basically bought them their seats.

This is the number one thing to address, in my opinion, as all these other crucial issues will only be given lip service until we do.

A good first step would be to get the big money out of our electoral process, which may take a constitutional amendment, no easy task. The president says he’s for it. Many states have already passed resolutions saying they would vote for such an amendment.

Now it’s up to us to pressure our lawmakers into action.

Sounds like a great New Year’s resolution to me!

– James Israel, Publisher/editor

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 22, Issue 253, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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HUMOR TIMES

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Labor Takes It on the Chin Corporate America says class warfare...

is all the unions’ fault...

and that they’re simply defending themselves...

but workers are starting to fight back.

Meanwhile, in Michigan, the GOP showed what they think... saying people should have the right to work...for less.

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HUMOR TIMES

January, 2013

So, Is NOW a Good Time to Talk About It? The terrible shooting spree at a grade school...

is the latest tragedy in a frustrating cycle...

as America finds itself imprisoned by its own gun culture.

Kids need to feel secure at home and school...

but how will we solve a problem we can’t talk about?

The nation mourns the loss of these young innocents.

January, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

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Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2012 First, a disclaimer: The Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2012 should not under any circumstances be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2012. They are as different as red satin cummerbunds and Liar’s Dice. Duck liver and Spanish moss. Matched pearl necklaces and motorcy cle handlebars.

For those of you itching to point out that some stories, especially those involving death, destruction, devastation and disaster are not proper subjects for this sort of fanciful top ten folderol — way ahead of you. Totally agree. Exactly why the Aurora, Colorado movie theater massacre, Hurricane Sandy, Jerry Sandusky and the movie John Carter failed to make the cut.

Also left off the top ten list are a few of the fiendishly frivolous footprints despoiling the sands of this annus horribilis such as Lindsay Lohan’s continuing struggles with sobriety, that curious craze called Gangnam Style, the introduction of the iPhone 5 and Facebook’s roller-coaster IPO. That said; here they are, the key stories from the past year providing the purest opportunities for major mocking and scoffing and taunting as determined by the executive council of the Comics, Clowns, Jesters & Satirists Union. Me. 10. Donald Trump. Assumes figurehead post of Birther Movement. Then refuses to shut up all year long, including several embarrassing tweets on Election Day. An ever-gushing political comedy material fountain with all the grace and ele-

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gance of tumbling dumpsters.

9. First Presidential Debate. Turned what was becoming a slam-dunk into a horse race. Seventy million Americans tuned in. But for some unknown reason, President Obama was not among them.

8. The entire GOP primary campaign. Party plays Candidate Whack-A-Mole for five months. Everybody takes turns beating Romney like a red-headed stepchild, including some folks who aren’t even running.

7. London Olympics. Ann Romney’s horse Rafalca competes in Dressage. Event where the horse and the rider perform predetermined movements. Which you would think would be illegal in Utah. But horse fails to medal and probably gets shipped home strapped to the fuselage of a 747. McKayla Maroney remains unimpressed.

6. Vice Presidential Debate. Joe Biden goes all Malarkey on Paul Ryan. Two words — decaf. Bold Choice Ryan blames Obama for GM plant closing in ’08. Fails to implicate POTUS in fall of the Roman Empire. But just barely.

5. Barack Obama comes out in support of gay marriage.

Emerges from his own personal policy closet like a butterfly emerging from a conflicted cocoon.

4. Mitt Romney vows to get rid of Big Bird, losing him pivotal pre-adolescent vote.

3. Democratic National Convention. Specifically, Bill Clinton laying out the precise reasons why America should

HUMOR TIMES

WILL DURST

re-elect as president… Bill Clinton.

2. Republican National Convention. Specifically, Clint Eastwood upstaging the nominee’s acceptance speech by getting into an argument with an empty chair. Which he proceeded to lose. Probably upset him so badly he rushed back to the hotel room where he got into a squabble with his armoire.

1. Mitt Romney. All the charisma of a plastic picnic fork with three of the tines snapped off. May have run the worst campaign ever. And that includes New Coke, McCain/Palin and France in ’39.

Quadriplegic Platypuses The dreaded “fiscal cliff” is more of a slim slope or bit of a ditch And now let us speak of the current lame-duck session of the 112th Congress. Daily we witness the death throes of the final assemblage of this particular group of elected representatives on Capitol Hill, and of course they’re spending these last precious moments together marshaling all their skills to put the American ship in order. Hahahahahaha.

Yeah. Right. Dream on, big river. Mostly what’s happening is just your typ i cal fran tic run ning around with wav ing arms and high-pitched wailing about an impending catastrophe. Looming doom.

Again. Specifically, this time, the imminent approach of that dastardly dreaded fiscal cliff. Congress has turned into the Little Boys & Girls Who Cried Ruin.

Calm yourselves, kiddies, it’s not really a cliff. More of a slim slope or bit of a ditch. A minor incline. Slight slant. Not even close to a chasm. Nor a gorge. Shall we say a term berm. A shallow gully beribboned with a multitude of dirt walking paths. Unlike what they’ve led us to believe, the fiscal cliff is less a screaming plunge off a sheer precipice and more of a stroll on a knoll with a coal-colored foal.

Do not be alarmed. America isn’t looking at a financial Thelma and Louise here. Although you can bet Grover Norquist would be willing to sit in the driver’s seat and steer straight for the bottom of the Grand Canyon as long as he could hold hands with his “no tax ever” pledgers.

And all of America would bemoan the loss… of the ’66 Thunderbird.

You got to hand it our representatives. The way they make every calamity seem fresh and new and calamitous. Everybody in D.C. has memorized their moves in the Washington Waltz. John Boehner complains the president won’t budge. The president counters that Boehner is beholden to a radical fringe. Liberals wait for conservatives to put entitlements on the table so they won’t be the bad guys. Republicans man the barricades to protect their donors. One step forward. One step back. Cha-cha-cha.

The fiscal cliff is an artificial crisis. Something our country’s politicians specialize in. If the Bush tax cuts do expire on December 31, they can always be voted back in. Even if it takes till February, it can be done retroactively. For everybody. Or for those making less than 250k.

Or a million. Whatever.

Problem is, they’d rather be photographed slapping a baby than go on record voting for or against any sort of compromise, and are more than happy out in the yard playing kick the can until it gets too dark to see. Preferably, kick it through the open portal of a time machine into the distant future.

These folks are as useless as a Viagra dispenser at a eunuchs’ convention. Lame duck doesn’t do them justice. Comatose vultures perhaps. Brain-damaged geese. Biologically deformed Pterodactyl fossils encased in an amber pool of irrelevance, obsolescence and guilt.

Whoa! OK. We’re done. Wait, one more. Quadriplegic platypuses.

Then, on January 3 a new Congress will swagger into town, and before they’re finished redecorating their offices, it’ll become patently obvious the onus is on their anus to put the deficit can back in play.

And if they need some ideas of where to place that can, we, their constituents, have more than a couple of choice locations in mind.

January, 2013

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Cliffhanger Congress is being forced to act...

but each side is sure the other will fold.

The military is facing its biggest threat ever...

and average Americans are the ones who could get hurt.

The “Fiscal Cliff” was created by Congress...

8

and they’re determined to see it through. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2013

Both parties seem to be just clowning around...

in a carnival of hilarious ineptitude.

Sen. Boehner says he feels for poor Americans...

but the GOP is saving its tears for the truly needy.

Republicans think they’re in a strong position...

but they may have to go back on their tax pledge. (continued)

January, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

9

What They Said The scene has replayed itself over and over – in Tucson, at Virginia Tech, at Columbine. In Connecticut, another unstable man has taken innocent lives in a burst of terrifying violence.

Inadequate gun control is only one half of the story. The other is the shameful job America does of treating the mentally ill. Today, 45 million American adults suffer from mental illness. Eleven million of those cases are considered serious. Most of these people are not dangerous, but if they can’t get treatment, the odds of potential violence increase.

Yet the mentally ill are finding it increasingly difficult to get help. Mental health funding has been plummeting for decades. Since 2009, states have cut billions for mental health from their budgets...

Mental healthcare workers have been laid off. Vulnerable people are neglected until their situation becomes acute – often after it’s too late...

Killing sprees are on the rise. How many more people will have to die before mental healthcare becomes a national priority?

– Lynn Stu art Parramore, AlterNet, 12/15/12 Does it strike anyone else that embarking on [these anti-pot strategies] is a profound waste of money at a time in which we’re quibbling over how much cat food we are going to allow our seniors in exchange for (maybe) pushing the top rate up to half of what it was after the JFK tax-cuts finally got passed? And, after three decades of wasteful spending, truncated personal liberties, and feckless cultural hysteria, we are now preparing to throw that much good money after that much bad?

This is not just bad public policy, because its such an obvious waste of time and resources. And this is not just bad politics, because the president is blowing an opportunity to correct the obvious waste of time and resources, and to do so in a direction in which the country is already moving.

This is completely freaking nuts.

I mean, seriously, are these people high?

– Charles Pierce, Esquire, 12/9/12

The Hightower Lowdown The Mass Media Favorites Fall out of Favor Let us address the declining fortunes of today’s mainstream mass media.

(Yes, I can hear your pained screams of “Nooooo ... we don’t want to!” We really must, however, because it’s not about them, but us — about our ability to be at least quasi-informed about who’s-doing-what-to-whom-and-why, in order for us to be a self-governing people. So buckle-up, here we go.)

The honchos of America’s establishment media are quick to blame such external causes as the Internet for their problems. But if they looked internally, they might notice that they’re damn near eaten-up with a bad case of conventional wisdomitis. The problem with conventional wisdom is that more often than not it’s nothing more than the contrived “wisdom” of the corporate powers.

Ironically, this narrow perspective not only afflicts their delivery of the news, but also their business model. For example, with newspaper readership declining, the accepted industry response by owners and publishers has been to fire beat reporters, shrink the news hole, reduce reporting to rewriting of wire service articles — and then run hokey PR campaigns hyping the shriveled product as “Real News.”

But here’s a bit of real news that very few newspapers have mentioned: The new owners of the Orange County Register are blazing a contrarian path toward their paper’s revival and prosperity. They’re expanding the Register’s news staff, its coverage and the paper’s size, doubling the editorial page and adding more sections. Editor Ken Brusic notes that offering less to subscribers and charging more not only is a rip-off and an insult to readers, but a sure path to failure. “So,” he says, “we’re now

offering more.”

Gosh — hire real watchdog reporters, dig out real news and actually try to make the paper real to local readers — what a novel notion for a news business! Unsurprisingly, the conventional wisdomites are sneering at the Register’s nonconformist effort. “It’s not what most people are doing,” said one analyst of the media business.

Exactly! And that’s why it’s so promising!

Of course, getting in the face of power and defying the conventional wisdom can be a poor career move. You can quickly begin feeling like B.B. King, when he sings, “No one loves me but my mother, and she could be jivin’, too.”

Thomas Mann and Norman Ornstein now know that lonely feeling. This teamed-up pair of political partisan observers have long been esteemed peers of the Washington punditry class. Cautious, middle-of-the-road, think-tank conservatives, they were popular on the insider talk-show circuit as reliable voices of conventional thinking. Until they went rogue.

In assessing the 2012 election, Mann and Ornstein have charged that the elite media deliberately failed to cover the biggest story of all — namely that the Republican Party and its nominees were flagrantly running a campaign of lies.

The duo was surprisingly blunt, noting that the GOP was not just practicing politics as usual, with a fib here and a prevarication there, but an or ches trated strat egy of dump ing bald-faced fabrications wholesale on the voting public.

“It’s the great unreported big story of American politics,” said Ornstein.

While the Democrats, too, tossed out some falsehoods, there was no comparison between them and the Republicans’ intentional, ideolog-

JIM HIGHTOWER ically extreme perversion “of facts, evidence and science.” Yet reporters and their bosses, so fearful of being accused of taking sides, failed to make a distinction — which, after all, is their job.

“They’re so timid,” Mann said — and a timid press is a weak one. “You’re failing in your fundamental responsibility,” Ornstein said of them, asking the obvious question: “What are you there for? Your obvious job is to report the truth.”

For daring to tell the truth about the media’s abject failure, Mann and Ornstein have been blackballed. They’re no longer invited to talk on the inside-politics shows, nor have those shows even mentioned the media’s pusillanimous role in abetting the Big Lies of 2012.

“For the great enemy of truth is very often not the lie – deliberate, contrived and dishonest – but the myth – persistent, persuasive and unrealistic. Too often we hold fast to the cliches of our forebears. We subject all facts to a prefabricated set of interpretations. We enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.”

– John F. Kennedy “The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls.”

– Suffragist Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Talk about the audacity of hope! The people who brought you the Great Recession by pushing deregulation and financial leverage to insane dimensions are back. Now they propose to ‘fix the debt’ by throwing average Americans who generously bailed them out in 2008-09 over the fiscal cliff.

One trusts that even in our money-driven political system, their transparently self-interested nonsense will be firmly rejected.

There is no reason why anyone needs to do anything at all about Social Security for a long time; as even Peter Orszag admits in the fine print. It just isn’t a driver of the deficit...

It’s ridiculous that we have ‘single payer’ for ailing banks, but not citizens. If you are worried about the deficit, just let tax rates rise back to the levels of the Clinton era, when growth ran far ahead of today’s economy, and tax dividends, carried interest, and capital gains at the rates working Americans pay. And don’t, absolutely don’t, let American companies escape taxation by stashing their money abroad.

– Political economist Thomas Ferguson "Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living." – Mother Jones

10

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2013

Cliffhanger (continued) Some say the “cliff” is not what it seems...

but it’s still a potential headache.

The GOP likes to make the debt ceiling a bargaining chip...

and they fear the worst if they don’t win.

Obama is accused of giving away too much...

but it ’tis the season for giving. (continued)

January, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

11

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“We Report, You Decry!”

Pentagon Honors Lone General Not Engaged in Extramarital Affair WASHINGTON, DC — Rocked by recent scandal, the Pentagon has decided to seek out good publicity by honoring the lone United States Military General who is not currently involved in an extramarital affair. General Albert K. Hoff received the honor in a quiet ceremony.

General Hoff attained the rank of General in 1989 and has had a rather undistinguished, quiet mil i tary ca reer.

“I’m not re ally sure what he does around here,” said a high ranking anonymous Pen ta gon of ficial. “But Big Al a l w a ys h a s a smile on his face General Albert K. Hoff. and he never leaves the coffee pot empty. Those traits will take you far in life. He might not have ever actually seen combat or led troops, but at least he’s not out making time with the ladies every hour on the hour.”

Recent scandals involving top ranked generals and former generals have dominated the news of late, so the Pentagon was thrilled to exhibit General Hoff as an example of a clean living American military officer. “Here we have a man who deserves to be honored,” said Pentagon spokes man Pe ter Rob in son. “A man who’s life deserves to be chronicled in a biography. I can only hope the biography is written by a really ugly lesbian who is wearing a chastity belt.”

Some in the Pentagon have claimed that Gen eral Hoff was ac tu ally approached by Paula Broadwell, the biographer at the heart of recent scandal. “Yeah, I might have gotten a few e-mails from her,” said General Hoff. “But who around here hasn’t? I heard she was was arrested a few weeks ago for performing lewd acts on a wax statue of General Patton.”

– Reported by DerfMagazine.com

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Founding Fathers Turn Over in Graves, Then Rise to March on DC Over Fiscal Cliff Negotiations Authorities across the eastern seaboard of the United States issued warnings in the last several hours for Americans to stay in their homes and avoid travel however possible, after sightings of undead skeletal remains climbing out of graves and shambling through the streets have been reported in 11 different states.

An investigation revealed that this was not the Mayan doomsday prophecy unfolding, but just America’s Founding Fathers, who began a death march on Washington DC, as the clock runs out on fiscal cliff negotiations.

The reanimated corpse of America’s first president, George Washington, said, “I’m done! These assholes are destroying America!” as he pointed the bony remains of his fingers in the direction of Capitol Hill. “I will not stand idly by while these elected nincompoops decimate every thing we worked and fought and died to create. Not a chance in hell!”

Benjamin Franklin chimed in, too. “We left you jerks a constitutional republic wherein we ex-

pected an informed and educated public to elect competent, capable leaders who’d put the na tion’s well-be ing ahead of their own political aspirations and party affiliations. Instead, you dicks vote strictly along party lines, ig nor ing the qualities of character of the men and women you hope to Fed up to here. see in office, in lieu of broad ideological philosophies handpicked by your favorite media sources and celebrities, vaguely personified in the lackluster candidates you choose to lead the nation. You voters disgust me!”

Thomas Jefferson seemed to just want to join in on the fun. “Hey, where are all the black chicks? I have a wicked boner right now! HAH! Get it?

Boner? But yeah, these fiscal cliff negotiations are lame. Get it done already.”

– Matt Rock, PardonThePundit.com

Karl Rove Seen Begging on Street Corners His cardboard sign says “Will Smear Someone for Food” Little has been seen of Karl Rove, Republican Obama lost rich supporters 300 million dollars, wunderkind of underhanded politics, since his has had a hard life lately. horrendous humiliation due to Prior to his discovery on Obama winning the Presidenthe streets, he was last seen tial election — until now. having a hissy fit on FOX Witnesses claim to have News, when even they conseen Karl Rove beg ging at ceded the election to Obama. various street corners around It has been rumored that Washington. there are rich hit men out The former cornerstone of looking to grease the professmarmy Re pub li can un dersional weasel for having lost ground pol i tics looked beso much of their hard condraggled and had at least three nived money.

Karl Rove has seen better days. days worth of beard stubble on A num ber of the more his face. His eyes were reddened, his face bloated ‘compassionate conservatives’ have created a doand people who talked with him said they could nation pool to try to get the former propaganda smell bourbon on his breath. minister off the streets, and they are making a big Few seem to be taking Mr. Rove up on his of- deal about it to the press. fer, although Donald Trump did pull up in his “See?” said Sharon Biggott, after handing the stretch limo and gave him a few bucks after saying new tramp a crisp dollar bill, “We do take care of something about “Kenya” and “birth certificate.” our own.”

Karl Rove, who has lost his golden boy stature – Reported by Roger Freed, HT Fallen Pundit with the Republicans since his smear blitz against Correspondent

With Mayan Prophecy Threatening The End on Dec 21, Washington Unites A Humor Times Special Report The end of the world by drought and flood, caused by global warming, wasn’t enough of a threat. Neither, apparently, was a Middle East Armageddon-style nuclear annihilation. But the end of the world this December 21st, as foretold by the Mayan prophecy, apparently did the trick.

Leaders of both parties announced today that they have reached agreements on all of the previously intractable issues.

“We just lost sight of what’s important,” said Harry Reid, Dem o cratic Sen ate Ma jor ity Leader. “Although, it will be difficult not to continue to follow our instincts right into oblivion.”

“It turns out what really scared the hell out of us was the Mayan prophecy, not the fiscal cliff,” said Boehner. “Sud denly, cod dling the super-rich just to secure political office on this earthly plane seemed so lame,” added the “Orange One,” tears filling his eyes.

In fact, part of the Mayan prophecy actually

14

refers to an important figure of these times as “The Orange One, who cries like a baby girl.”

Another part of the Mayan prophecy refers to “the man many will call a ‘Secret Muslim.’” Ac-

Concern for the earth: Too little, too late?

cording to this portion of the sacred text, the “powerful man” is actually a “Secret Mayan,” and the text relates that, “we creators of the Calendar for the Ages laugh at the thought of the future Tea people thinking this powerful Mayan King is but a Muslim born in Kenya. It is written

that he is to be born in the heart of Mayan country, the future Mexico — just like his opponent in 2012, the Mormon.”

The sacred text continues: “The leader of the free world must be a Mayan at this time, and since even our great Proph ecy can not tell whether dishonest forces will be able to rig future elections, both major candidates must be born of ancient Mayan blood.”

While many people know Mitt Romney’s grandfather lived in Mexico, most are not aware that for one of his many wives, he took a Mayan descendent.

It’s not all love and harmony in Washington, however. Jim DeMint (R-SC), a member of the Senate Tea Party Caucus, attempted to filibuster the process, saying, “This is just a United Nations trick to take over the world! God will punish all unbelievers!” Just then a crack in the Senate floor opened and swallowed him up.

“That’s when we really saw the light,” said Senator Reid.

HUMOR TIMES

North Korea Celebrates Rocket Launch with “Day of Festivities” Last eve ning, NORAD confirmed that North Korea suc cess fully launched a long-range mis sile, which achieved orbit in space. State TV in the country claimed the launch was to put a weather satellite into space, but offiOfficially festive. cials in South Ko rea, the United States, and Japan all believe the test was an effort to create an intercontinental ballistic missile. And PTP has learned that to celebrate the historic event, North Koreans are currently be ing treated to a “day of fes tiv i ties” all throughout the nation.

North Koreans will enjoy a relaxed workday, which started at 5 am and will end at 1 am tomorrow morning, rather than ending at 2 am as it normally does. Miners and factory workers will also get to wear safety equipment, which is typically a luxury only offered when creating propaganda materials. “Glorious Leader” Kim Jong Un also promised an extended lunch break, which will last a full 8 minutes, and for 24 hours starting at 9 am today and ending at 7 am tomorrow (in North Korean time), no citizen will be tortured for thinking negatively about the nation, though reports indicate this torture is still happening regularly regardless.

Rations for the citizenry will also be vastly increased to one full quarter of a slice of bread per person, with as much water as the citizens can drink up to one full quart, while supplies last anyway. Three cakes will also be rolled out in Pyongyang sometime this evening, with Kim Jong Un getting a full slice, and the whole country sharing the rest.

But arguably the most exciting festivities relate to entertainment. This evening, North Koreans will be treated to five full minutes of seeing a still image from the American comic strip “The Family Circus,” an event heralded by State TV as “the funniest thing North Koreans have seen since the death of Dwight D. Eisenhower.”

Citizens will be granted a rare ration of laughter within that time as well. They’ll also be allowed to dance for up to two full minutes, cumulatively, throughout the day, though music is still banned throughout the country.

– Matt Rock, PardonThePundit.com

Republicans Blast Susan Rice for Misleading Public: “That’s Our Job” A trio of Republican senators today blasted U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice for misleading the American public, which, in the words of Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC), “has traditionally been our job.”

“Ambassador Rice has been engaged in nonstop lies and double-talk,” said Graham. “If she really wants to do those things so badly, she should run for the Senate like the rest of us.”

Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R-NH) agreed with Graham’s assessment, saying, “I heard Susan Rice spew nothing but half-truths, distortions, and complete fabrications. It felt like I was watching Fox News, except that she’s black.”

John McCain (R-AZ), said that he found Ambassador Rice’s story profoundly disappointing: “Considering that the CIA was involved, I thought there’d be more sex.”

– Reported by Andy Borowitz

January, 2013

Cliffhanger (conclusion) The pros know, in the budget game, it’s all about patience...

It’s a back-and-forth affair...

and a real power struggle.

But Americans are ready to dump the whole mess...

January, 2013

and that you can’t tip your hand.

because it’s just not right.

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Foreign News Israel continues to play with fire...

and Syria’s Assad is branching out.

The Egyptian president didn’t learn the lesson... of the recent revolution there.

And North Korea’s young leader... is making a big impression.

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HUMOR TIMES

January, 2013

Time to Reflect The Republican Party has been doing some soul searching...

They’re rethinking some long-held positions...

and wondering if they’ve chosen their friends wisely.

Big money “investors” want some kind of return...

January, 2013

trying to put the pieces back together.

and the party isn’t what it used to be.

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Environment

Holidaze

Perhaps the ancient predictions were right on target.

There was some holiday controversy, as usual...

In any case, things are definitely changing... and some confusion.

Meanwhile, the New Year brings familiar challenges.

and affecting everyone.

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HUMOR TIMES

January, 2013

Argus Sez McDonald’s announced a huge increase in sales in November after its first-ever drop in October. There are three reasons for the rebound in world sales. McDonald’s officials chalked it up to increased TV advertising, new dessert items and Colorado legalizing weed.

The European Union was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo recently. The EU has its mission. It took Germany a hundred years to figure out if you conquer Europe with bankers instead of tanks you get all the domination and none of the war crimes trials.

President Obama recognized the Syrian opposition as the legitimate representative of the Syrian people. We’re all in. The president added that he has no plan to send U.S. troops to Syria, as if having no plan ever stopped a U.S. military invasion in the Middle East.

Al-Qaeda’s number-two leader was killed by a drone strike in Pakistan. He was the sixth number-two leader of Al-Qaeda we have assassinated by drone. It may not have done that much damage when you consider that our number-two leader is Joe Biden.

London nutritionists released a study saying the low-carb Atkins Diet is the healthiest way for you to lose weight. It really works. The diet is so wildly popular that the Vatican just approved a low-carb communion wafer called I Can’t Believe It’s Not Jesus.

North Korea launched an ICBM sixteen hundred miles in December that left a satellite in orbit be fore it landed in the ocean. They Photoshop their missiles to make them look longer-range than they really are. Sounds like Anthony Weiner found work as a consultant.

President Obama dismissed Iran’s threats to support Syria’s government. He said he’s crippled Iran’s economy with sanctions. Thanks to

ARGUS HAMILTON

the president’s work over the last four years, Iran doesn’t have the money to support Syria any more than we do.

WalMart announced it will open its stores at midnight Monday on the day the Mayan apocalypse is foretold. This certainly didn’t help WalMart open new stores in Mexico. The Mayans have written a letter protesting the crass commercialization of the apocalypse.

Exxon said the U.S. could soon be a net exporter of oil and gas and the U.S. could overtake Saudi Arabia as the world’s leading producer of crude. You have to get lucky. When the U.S. struck porn in the West San Fernando Valley, our output of crude quintupled.

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder signed the right-to-work law recently, prompting Teamster chief Jimmy Hoffa to predict a civil war. That’s ridiculous. The South is already trying to secede and if the North secedes at the same time, there is nothing to fight about.

Harvard officials approved a club house for a student bondage group. They are a kinky group who like to spank and be spanked, tie each other up and torture each other for sexual gratification. It sounds like one fraternity figured out a way to get around the ban on freshman hazing by seeking refuge under the prostitution laws.

Congress held hearings on performance-enhancing drugs when the NFL players and NFL owners couldn’t agree on an HGH test. The linemen are all over three hundred pounds and super-fast. The difference between an NFL quarterback and Al-Qaeda’s number-two leader is that Al-Qaeda’s number-two leader can get life insurance.

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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