Humor Times, Feb 2013

“It's just plain common sense that there be a waiting period to allow local law enforcement officials to conduct background checks on those who wish to buy a handgun.” – Ronald Reagan, 1991

Issue #254

February, 2013

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Editor’s Letter Nothing heats up the national discourse like a good ol’ gun control debate.

Both sides are adamant in their belief that the other side just “doesn’t get it” and neither side will back down, citing the “vital interests” of this experiment in a democratic republic we call the United States of America.

The right holds fiercely to a belief that the 2nd Amendment gives them the unequivocal right to bear arms, while the left likes to emphasize the “well-regulated” part of said same amendment.

The right, with the NRA as it’s loudest, richest, most powerful and persistent mouthpiece, screams like Alex Jones with sweaty palms that tyranny awaits, should we give in even an inch on gun control.

The left, with it’s rather scattered, trembling voice over recent decades – only now coming into focus due to Sandy Hook and other tragedies – insists that it doesn’t want to take away the right to bear arms, only to impose sensible restrictions on gun ownership.

After all, argue gun control advocates, you have to get a license to drive, right? Shouldn’t at least an equal level of scrutiny be placed on those who would purchase such deadly weapons?

It’s sad that everyone has to be at each others’ throats in this debate. Gun control advocates need to realize we’re dealing with a fundamental right guaranteed by our constitution. Gun rights advocates need to stop screaming that gun control is “Hitler-like,” when in fact, even their all-time biggest hero, Ronald Reagan, who was very pro-gun rights, said:

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“It’s just plain common sense that there be a waiting period to allow local law enforcement officials to conduct background checks on those who wish to buy a handgun.”

– Ronald Reagan, endorsing the Brady handgun control bill, March 1991. And...

“This is a matter of vital importance to the public safety ... While we recognize that assault-weapon legislation will not stop all assault-weapon crime, statistics prove that we can dry up the supply of these guns, making them less accessible to criminals.”

– Ronald Reagan, in a May 3, 1994 letter to the U.S. House of Representatives

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There’s a tendency, as has always been the case, for gun advocates in the wake of these massacres to want to blame everything but guns. Video games, movies – it’s the old “guns don’t kill people, people do” line. Yeah, maybe, but it’s also true that “guns don’t die, children do.”

They are right, however, to bring up the issue of mental health. Unfortunately, some who do bring it up are guilty of cutting funding for said mental health. We definitely do need to fund it, and fund it amply enough that everyone who needs help, gets it, regardless of economic status.

Of course, ultimately, these sad tragedies have their roots in broad cultural and societal issues.

And it all must be addressed, if we are to survive intact as a nation.

It’s time to move. On this, and so many other issues. The world is crying for changes on every level. Indeed, our very Earth is warning us to change.

It’s time to stop fighting the democratic process, and instead, find ways to work together.

Time is running out.

– James Israel, Publisher/editor The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 22, Issue 254, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, P. Beckert, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, Ben Krull, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

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HUMOR TIMES

3

Deadly Debate It’s a debate that is polarizing America...

and scaring parents.

It’s affecting our children...

who need to feel secure.

Some say it’s not the time... but so far nothing’s working. (continued)

4

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2013

The head of the NRA has offered his analysis...

saying he knows just where to place the blame.

Meanwhile, schools are doing what they can...

and teachers are being asked to step up.

Things may finally be changing... and not just slogans. (continued pg. 7)

February, 2013

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5

Knee-Deep in a Tattoo Boom We may have witnessed a generational sea change the other night at the Golden Globe Awards. Talking about when creator, writer and breakthrough star of HBO’s “Girls,” Lena Dunham, teetered up to the stage on what appeared to be hockey skates sporting a minor array of tattoos leaking out of her ball gown in front of a world-wide audience. Fortunately her dress had been color designed to coordinate with copious amounts of blue ink.

And these weren’t discreet little ankle hearts or some Chinese character supposedly representing “peace” but actually translating to “screw you round-eye” either. These were big, bold tats. Peek-a-boo with the emphasis on the boo. One looked to be a two-house homage to the children’s book heroine Eloise spanning the width of the actress’ back. And on her upper right arm — Ferdinand the Bull in his field of flowers.

And those were just the visibles.

Now, my generation dabbled with tattoos but generally considered them the mark of sailors, rock stars, Maori tribesmen and Dennis Rodman. Hell, most baby boomers are loath to put stickers on their laptops. But every generation yearns to physically differentiate itself from their forebears, and long hair and baggy pants and ironically retro t-shirts were already taken.

Thus, the kids use piercings and tats as their ticket to Hipster City. Which remains to this day a gated community.

And also why we find ourselves knee-deep in a tattoo boom.

Tattoos in quantities and places previously unimagined. Wan-

der into a club at night and you’ll swear you’re attending a carny convention. Complicated sleeves and full-body tats.

Prodding carnies and cons to up the ante. Leading to a proliferation of neck and face tattoos. “Society is against me.” Dude, you got 666 tattooed on your forehead. You might be leading the charge.

Nor can we be sure youths are prepared for possible complications. Whenever permanently displaying an impromptu decision made in a questionable state of sobriety at the age of 18, problems inevitably arise. For instance, are they aware their extravagantly illustrated canvases have a tendency to deteriorate over time? Change shape? That cute little butterfly may someday grow up to be a pterodactyl. The unicorn prancing on a rainbow: a rhino entombed in a bog. And in 30 years, the houses on Lena’s back could very well be hit by a Salvador Dali melting bomb.

Also, not everyone is going to spend the rest of their life in jeans and a hoodie. So we got that to look forward to. On formal occasions through eternity we’ll be treated to three-color dragon heads rising out of the small of backs. Laughing skulls popping wheelies on motorcycles made out of marijuana smoke, bisected by satin straps. Mushroom-cloud cleavage.

We’re already seeing grandmas with Whitesnake tattoos. It’s only going to get better.

And who can dismiss the eternal difficulty of memorializ-

WILL DURST

ing a lover’s name. Would need two arm sleeves to catalogue half my former girlfriends. An entire forearm devoted to those with names starting with MAR... Marci, Mary & Marni. And that was all before college. Makes you wonder if Angelina Jolie’s first husband, Billy Bob Thornton, ever sees Brad Pitt and asks, “Hey buddy, how’s my name holding up?”

2013 Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda Resolutions Resolutions for 2013 that should’ve been made by various celebrities For a while there, didn’t seem like it’d ever happen, but somehow we mercifully staggered across the annum finish line, finally placing 2012 irrevocably in the rear-view mirror.

Make no mistake, the political climate is still volatile. Rash. Mad. Loud. Pulsating forehead vein above arcing spray of spittle loud. And the double-crossing chicanery hasn’t mellowed a bit of a spot of an iota from the fever pitch of last year’s quadrennial heights.

But now we’re deep enough into the new year that a few of us have occasionally remembered to scribble “2013? on our checks. Yeah, checks. Aren’t we the digital ones? Mostly zeroes. And as a public service we here at Durstco have offered to assist with a couple of 2013 resolutions that should have been made for this, the fourth year of the second decade of the 21st century. But probably weren’t.

• Donald Trump commits himself, sometime during the coming year, against his better judgment, to somehow stumble onto the semblance of a clue.

• Joe Biden takes an oath to learn how to laugh without frightening children.

• Epitomizing the height of lowered expectations, the 113th Congress resolves to do more than the 112th Congress.

• Rick Perry guarantees to someday be the president of some darn country even if he has to secede to do it.

• President Obama in 2013 pledges to outline a plan to fix the Social Security problem once and for all that doesn’t include raising the retirement age to 83.

• Gen. David Petraeus vows to eat more meals at home. Alone. In the garage.

• Chris Christie swears to do all he can to avoid snickering every time he runs into Mitt Romney.

• Greece aspires to become much more like Portugal.

• Hillary Clinton swears to do all she can to avoid snickering every time she runs into Joe Biden.

• Stung by NFL violence, Nike vows to never again tie its star to overpaid athletes and considers featuring school teachers in its ads. Lasts about an hour.

• Gov. Jerry Brown promises to focus less in 2013 on the vast spaceship that is Earth and more on the run-down, long-term parking shuttle that is California.

• Tim Pawlenty vows to utilize the latest strobe technology to at least give the appearance of movement.

• Clint Eastwood vows to practice, practice, practice.

• PBS determines not to do anything to rile Congress, and makes plans to transform itself into the 24-Hour Antiques Roadshow Network. Minus all that disreputable controversy.

• The Airline Industry makes every effort to finally rid the skies of the most dangerous security element known to man: those pesky passengers.

• The European Financial Crisis promises to fade into the wings.

• The Asian Financial Crisis promises to take center stage.

• The Supreme Court avers to put the fun back in dysfunctional.

• Lindsay Lohan makes a concerted effort to get back to the thing she’s really good at. And equally determined to remember exactly what that is.

• Harry Reid makes a determined effort to focus more on the slightly wacky and less on the plumb crazy.

• Sheldon Adelson vows to spend the rest of his fortune on less risky bets than preposterous presidential candidates. He proceeds to blow it all on Nigerian lottery tickets.

• John Boehner pledges to find a foundation color that reads less pumpkin and more summer squash.

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst's new e-book, "Elect to Laugh!" published by Hyperink, now available at Redroom.com, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. Go to willdurst.com for more info.

6

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2013

Deadly Debate (conclusion) It’s not that reformers want to repeal the 2nd Amendment...

The founders couldn’t tell the future...

but simply to enforce a forgotten portion of it.

nor that Congress would get so corrupted.

It’s time to revisit the law... before things get really crazy.

February, 2013

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7

Hot Topic Perspective can affect how important things may seem...

but change don’t come easy.

Americans are doing what they can...

If the debate doesn’t thaw soon...

8

while trying to keep their cool.

there may be more than mortgages under water. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2013

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9

What They Said It was all a lie – one of the biggest and most elaborate falsehoods ever sold to the American people. We were told that the taxpayer was stepping in – only temporarily, mind you – to prop up the economy and save the world from financial catastrophe. What we actually ended up doing was the exact opposite: committing American taxpayers to permanent, blind support of an un gov ern able, unregulatable, hyperconcentrated new financial system that exacerbates the greed and inequality that caused the crash, and forces Wall Street banks like Goldman Sachs and Citigroup to increase risk rather than reduce it. The result is one of those deals where one wrong decision early on blossoms into a lush nightmare of unintended consequences. We thought we were just letting a friend crash at the house for a few days; we ended up with a family of hillbillies who moved in forever, sleeping nine to a bed and building a meth lab on the front lawn...

All of this – the willingness to call dying banks healthy, the sham stress tests, the failure to enforce bonus rules, the seeming indifference to public disclosure, not to mention the shocking- lack of criminal investigations into fraud committed by bailout recipients before the crash – comprised the largest and most valuable bailout of all. Brick by brick, statement by reassuring statement, bailout officials have spent years building the government's great Implicit Guarantee to the biggest companies on Wall Street: We will be there for you, always, no matter how much you screw up. We will lie for you and let you get away with just about anything. We will make this ongoing bailout a pervasive and permanent part of the financial system. And most important of all, we will publicly commit to this policy, being so obvious about it that the markets will be able to put an exact price tag on the value of our preferential treatment...

The big banks, instead of breaking down into manageable parts and becoming more efficient, have grown even bigger and more unmanageable [since the bailout], making the economy far more concentrated and dangerous than it was before. America's six largest banks – Bank of America, JP Morgan Chase, Citigroup, Wells Fargo, Goldman Sachs and Mor gan Stan ley – now have a com bined 14,420 subsidiaries, making them so big as to be effectively beyond regulation. A recent study by the Kansas City Fed found that it would take 70,000 examiners to inspect such trillion-dollar banks with the same level of attention normally given to a community bank. "The complexity is so overwhelming that no regulator can follow it well enough to regulate the way we need to," says Sen. Brown, who is drafting a bill to break up the megabanks...

While the economy still mostly sucks overall, there's never been a better time to be a Too Big to Fail bank. Wells Fargo reported a third-quarter profit of nearly $5 billion last year, while JP Morgan Chase pocketed $5.3 billion – roughly double what both banks earned in the third quarter of 2006, at the height of the mortgage bubble. As the driver of their success, both banks cite strong performance in – you guessed it – the mortgage market.

So what exactly did the bailout accomplish?

It built a banking system that discriminates against community banks, makes Too Big to Fail banks even Too Bigger to Failier, increases risk, discourages sound business lending and punishes savings by making it even easier and more profitable to chase high-yield investments than to compete for small depositors.

The bailout has also made lying on behalf of our biggest and most corrupt banks the official policy of the United States government. And if any one of those banks fails, it will cause another financial crisis, meaning we're essentially wedded to that policy for the rest of eternity – or at least until the markets call our bluff, which could happen any minute now.

Other than that, the bailout was a smashing success.

– Matt Taibbi, Rolling Stone, January 17, 2013

10

The Hightower Lowdown Who’s Behind “Fix the Debt”?

Look out, the “fixers” are coming.

Top corporate chieftains and Wall Street gamblers want to tell Washington how to fix our national debt, so they’ve created a front group called “Fix the Debt” to push their agenda. Unfortunately, they’re using “fix” in the same way your veterinarian uses it — their core demand is for Washington to spay Social Security, castrate Medicare and geld Medicaid.

Who’s behind this piece of crude surgery on the retirement and health programs that most Americans count on? Pete Peterson, for one.

For years, this Wall Street billionaire, who amassed his fortune as honcho of a private equity outfit named Blackstone, has runs a political sideshow demanding that the federal budget be balanced on the backs of the middle class and the poor. Fix the Debt is just his latest war whoop, organized by a corporate “think tank” he funds.

This time, Peterson rallied some 95 CEOs to his plutocratic crusade, including the likes of General Elec tric boss Jeffrey Immelt and Honeywell chief David Cote. (Note: Both Immelt and Cote, while cheering for cuts to programs that we working Americans pay into, are themselves taking money hand over fist from taxpayers in terms of military contracts and corporate subsidies for their corporations. But they aren’t concerned about defense spending and ending subsidies that benefit their bottom line.)

A l l o f t h e m a re n o t me r e l y “ O n e Percenters,” but the top one-tenth of One Percenters. Of course, a group of pampered, narcissistic billionaires would not make a credible sales argument for this dirty work. Having elites piously preach austerity to the masses

would be as ineffective as having Col. Sanders invite a flock of chickens to Sunday dinner.

Presented with this image problem, Fix the Debt needed to give their campaign a more benign image, and Peterson and Co. followed a tried-and-true formula of political deceit. As described by Mary Bottari of the Center for Media and Democracy, the trick is to “gather a bipartisan group of ‘serious’ men, hire a PR firm to place them on TV shows, blanket the media with talk of a looming crisis and pretend to have grassroots support.”

In this case, a collection of former member of Congress, each of whom had a reputation for being moderate to the extreme, were recruited to give the campaign a sheen of high public purpose. Backed by a $40 million budget put up by the corporate interests, these “elder statesman” are now the face of Fix the Debt, doing dozens of TV interviews, hosting breakfast sessions with members of Congress, making speeches about “mutual sacrifice” and generally going all-out to sell the financial elite’s snake oil.

But wait — being an elder does not automatically mean you’re a statesman. Let’s peek at the resumes of these so-called public-spirited fixers of the debt. Start with Jim McCrery, a former GOP lawmaker from Louisiana. While urging Congress to cut people’s programs, he’s also a top-paid lobby ist pushing Congress to give more tax subsidies to America’s richest people and to such multinational cor po ra tions as General Electric.

Former Democratic Sen. Sam Nunn is a fixer, too — but he’s also paid $300,000 a year to be on the board of directors for General Elec-

HUMOR TIMES

JIM HIGHTOWER tric. Likewise, Democrat Erskine Bowles, a co-founder of the fixers’ front group, is on the board of Morgan Stanley, drawing $345,000 a year. And former GOP Sen. Judd Gregg takes about a million bucks a year as advisor to and board member for such giants as Goldman Sachs and Honeywell.

Fix the Debt is nothing but another corporate fraud. I wouldn’t let this gang of fixers touch pet my dog, much less my Social Security!

“If language is not correct, then what is said is not what is meant; if what is said is not what is meant, then what must be done remains undone; if this remains undone, morals and art will deteriorate; if justice goes astray, the people will stand about in helpless confusion. Hence there must be no arbitrariness in what is said.

This matters above everything.”

– Confucius

February, 2013

Tug of War Obama was happy to compromise again...

and he is basking in admiration...

as he gears up for another four years.

Grover Norquist had a big fall...

and now Republicans are taking stock...

February, 2013

and working out their differences.

HUMOR TIMES

11

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“We Report, You Decry!”

Supermarkets Now Super Convenient!

Drive-Through Supermarkets Tired of waiting for a place to park in the supermarket lot just to enter a crowded store, where you stand in line again to check out? If so, you’ll love the new drive-through grocer.

Finally, a convenient way to shop.

“I love it,” says one driver. “I can pick up milk and eggs and chips and be back on the highway in minutes. My only suggestion is that they add a passing lane. I hate getting stuck behind a cost-conscious shopper who stops at every brand to compare prices.”

The store manager admits they are still working out some of the bugs in the business model. “There have been a few fender benders. Nothing major – until the meat department made the mistake of holding that big Fourth of July sale on top sirloins. There were at least six collisions that day.”

“And of course you have the teen pranksters,” adds the manager. “One kid spilled corn oil and we had vehicles spinning out all over the place.”

You can also choose to shop the old fashioned way—as a pedestrian—but fair warning, you take your life in your hands. One shopper remarks, “I ran in to grab a six-pack of Bud and found myself dodg ing two Sub ur bans and a Porsche. I was lucky to get out alive.”

In an attempt to reduce the recklessness, management has begun to cite motorists for speeding. "If you're hurrying a bit out in frozen foods, we might be lenient. But if you’re doing fifty miles per hour in the dairy aisle, we’ll write ya up.”

– Reported by WackyTimes.com

Obama Called ‘Weak on Defense’ After White Mass Depression Grows as World Fails to End House Refuses to Build Death Star Administration issues feeble “don’t support blowing up planets” response

Millions lose faith in apocalypse

Friday evening, the White House officially responded to and denied a petition on their website calling for the construction of a Death Star, a planet-sized space weapon from the Star Wars films. The White House pointed toward an estimated cost of $850 quadrillion, that the administration doesn’t support blowing up planets, and that the Death Star has “a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship.”

But today, the White House’s decision has drawn fire from lobbyists representing the defense, steel, computer hardware/ software, and contracting industries, as well as from second amendment groups like the National Rifle Association, all of whom believe the construction of a Death Star would be a massively helpful undertaking for their sectors and beliefs.

“This was a bad decision,” claimed former Vice President Dick Cheney, who spoke from his underground lair in Wyoming today to lash out against the White House’s response. “I could have overseen the construction and management of the Death Star. They don’t call me ‘Darth Cheney’ for nothing, you know. Haliburton could have made a fortune doing this. Where is our country’s commitment to greatness?”

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney was bombarded with questions about the Death Star today, but he took his time to shoot each one

Humor Times Special Report Psychiatrists and therapists worldwide are reporting a huge increase in clients seeking help for depression since the new year began. The reason seems to be that millions were looking forward to the end of the world, and were not prepared to go on with their boring lives.

“I’m bummed,” says Anita Bumstead, a resident of Pensacola, Florida. “I don’t want to work in that crummy office for that jerk boss anymore, and I was looking forward to something exciting in my life – the end of the world!”

Despite world governments’ persistent efforts, life continues to exist on Earth. Somehow, allowing widespread pollution, ever-spiraling increases in global warming gases, record numbers of wars and the proliferation of nukes has not yet obliterated life on Earth.

“Apocalyptic movies have raised expectations,” says Professor Robert Freeman of Colorado University at Boulder. “Whether by a huge meteor, floods, earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear war or whatever – people are expecting end times. And when the most credi b l e p r ediction yet failed to ma te ri alize last December, people just The world hasn’t ended. Yet. lost faith.

Going on has just become a real chore.”

“Just talking about it depresses me. I need a drink,” Freeman added.

Religious people are some of the most discouraged. Many are getting impatient, hoping for the rapture each time the end is predicted.

“Hell, the bible even predicts it. But when?” asked televangelist Pat Robertson recently on his show, The 700 Club. “We’ve waited long enough, Oh Lord, bring it on! Evil is proliferating, and it’s time to clean house. Bring down your holy janitor angels and let their brooms of righteousness sweep away the wicked. But first, please give us a date we can milk for donations.”

White House rejects Death Star wish.

down. “Look, the response was pretty clear-cut.

We simply can’t afford this expense, not even if we bought the whole thing with trillion-dollar platinum coins. And let me reiterate that in the movies, this thing was blown up by a couple of teenagers!”

“Why build a Death Star anyway? We already have a drone army! Get it? Drone? Clone? I guess it wasn’t that good. Never mind.”

– Matt Rock, PardonThePundit.com

Media Examines How Media Has Examined the Examination of the Media NEW YORK, NY – Under increased media young journalism students to understand how the scrutiny, the media’s examinamedia scrutinizes their own tion of how the media has excoverage. Of course, they a m i n e d t h e me d i a i s need to analyze that examinaundergoing a full examination.” tion. And this investigation is The latest examination of being fully scrutinized by the the examinations of the media media. ex am i na tion have shown “I, for one, am quite happy some areas in which the mewith the progress,” said Prodia needs to do a better job. fessor of Journalism Dr. KenFor example, many are beginMedia on media. neth Owens. “It is important ning to believe that further exfor young students to be able to look at how the amination is warranted. media covers events. It is equally important for Reported by DerfMagazine.com

Joe Biden Responds to Critics Over “Silver Bullet” Gaffe Vice Pres i dent Joe Biden has received harsh criticism after saying “we know that there is no silver bullet” in a meeting with regards to gun violence. Biden, who has been tasked with developing recommendations for Straight shooter. new gun violence legislation on behalf of the White House, sat down with this reporter to explain how his latest gaffe was nothing more than a big misunderstanding.

“I feel like I’ve been under the gun these past few days. People are going ballistic over how I misspoke. So I thought I’d bite the bullet and address these critics of mine,” Biden told us.

“I always take a shotgun approach to public speaking. I shoot from the hip, and sometimes I jump the gun a little and come up shooting blanks. So, I’d like to apologize for those comments. I didn’t mean to offend anyone. My

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mouth doesn’t come with a safety.”

“I lik e to think of my s e lf a s a straight-shooter,” Biden continued. “I tell it like I see it, I’m always quick on the draw. But that’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have said ‘silver bullet’ while discussing gun violence. I guess I got a little off target there.”

We asked Biden how his recommendations were coming along. “We’re bringing out the big guns with this legislation, that’s for sure. But Republicans love the second amendment, and they aren’t gun shy about it. There’s going to be a real shootout on Capitol Hill over it.”

In closing, we asked what he learned, meeting with Americans about firearms. “I think I came away with a full understanding. I’m talking lock, stock and barrel. This legislation is going to be fully loaded. For me, the real smoking gun has been the sale of large-capacity magazines. But the president is taking over soon, and then I’ll just be riding shotgun.”

– Matt Rock, PardonThePundit.com

Al Qaeda Disbands, Says Job of Destroying U.S. Economy Now in Congress’ Hands WASHINGTON — The international terror group known as Al Qaeda announced its dissolution today, saying that “our mission of destroying the American economy is now in the capable hands of the U.S. Congress.”

In an official statement published on the group’s website, the current leader of Al Qaeda said that Con gress’s con duct dur ing the so-called “fiscal-cliff” showdown convinced the terrorists that they had been outdone.

“We’ve been working overtime trying to come up with ways to terrorize the American people and wreck their economy,” said the state ment from Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri. “But even we couldn’t come up with something like this.”

Mr. al-Zawhiri said that the idea of holding the entire nation hostage with a clock ticking down “is completely insane and worthy of a Bond villain.”

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“As terrorists, every now and then you have to step back and admire when someone else has beaten you at your own game,” he said. “This is one of those times.”

The Al Qaeda leader was fulsome in his praise for congressional leaders, saying, “We have made many scary videos in our time but none of them were as terrify ing as Mitch McConnell.”

As for the future of Al Qaeda, the statement said that it would no longer be a terror network but would become “more of a social network,” offering reviews of new music, movies and video games.

In its first movie review, Al Qaeda gave the film “Zero Dark Thirty” two thumbs down.

by Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com

February, 2013

New Session, Fresh Start With a new congressional session underway...

an era of cooperation could be at hand.

Yes, it’s a brand-new year...

and a chance to change people’s perception.

There is a sense of urgency...

February, 2013

like never before.

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Continuous Crisis Mode It may seem unlikely...

but creative solutions are possible.

Yet, just when you think it’s safe... brinkmanship is back.

It seems Congress can’t help itself... that’s just how they operate. (continued)

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February, 2013

Each side sees the other as the problem...

and the situation grows ever more precarious.

The ‘debt ceiling’ is just an illusion... says the prez...

and perhaps one illusion... can be dealt with by another.

February, 2013

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Health News

In Sports

Good news for America...

Steroid users were locked out...

while locked out hockey players and fans were let in...

we’re not fat, there’s just more of us to love!

Meanwhile, flu season has arrived. and much was revealed on Oprah.

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HUMOR TIMES

February, 2013

Argus Sez Bill Clinton hosted the annual Bob Hope Desert Classic in Palm Springs in January. He’s a loyal Democrat. To back President Obama’s gun control measures Bill Clinton has agreed to stop pointing finger guns and firing at marginally attractive waitresses in diners.

Barack Obama will give his State of the Union speech on Abe Lincoln’s birthday and he was sworn into office with his hand on Abe Lincoln’s Bible. It’s cause for concern. It’s why the Secret Service put a twenty-four-hour tail on Clint Eastwood.

An L.A. judge banned former porn actress Stacy Hollis from teaching in L.A. It’s obvious why. It’s one thing for teachers to have affairs with the students, but bringing in a pro could jeopardize their amateur standing and put their college scholarships at risk.

Brent Musberger referred to two female courtside ESPN reporters as smoking hot. Before that, he went ape over Miss Alabama on the air. A year from now Brent will be admitting to Oprah Winfrey that he won Broadcaster of the Year while on Androgel.

Lance Armstrong taped an interview with Oprah Winfrey to admit his use of performance-enhancing drugs to win all his Tour de France titles. He misled so many people for so many years. He made a lot of innocent young drug users think that cycling is cool.

Armstrong’s wins have been re voked.

Lance’s record for rolling through France in twenty-three days has been returned to Adolf Hitler, who did it in twenty-four days.

The NRA aired an ad calling President Obama an elitist hypocrite. The gun crowd hates Obama and Obama hates the gun crowd

ARGUS HAMILTON

and it has nothing to do with race. It’s taken Americans four hundred years to get to this point and it’s a cause for celebration.

President Obama demanded a bill requiring background checks for any private gun sales.

He wants to know who has guns and where they are. Now everyone in the Mexican drug cartel has to make a doctor’s appointment and tell where they keep the guns.

Hillary Clinton refused to answer any questions about U.S. citizens taken hostage in Algeria. She also won’t answer questions about the Benghazi raid. Four years ago the administration ended the War on Terror and replaced it with the War on Answers.

The NYPD asked New York pharmacies to battle drug thefts by placing a GPS chip on every prescription bottle. We’re living in a police state. They wound up arresting hundreds of homeowners for failure to throw the plastic bottle in the proper recycling bin.

The National Hockey League began its season after months of delay due to a lockout that nearly cancelled the season. Fans couldn’t wait.

Americans are desperate to enjoy senseless bloody fighting over something besides the debt ceiling and gun control.

USA Today showed a map detailing the spread of the flu epidemic across the United States this month. The flu epidemic has hit every state except California and Mississippi. It just shows that flu germs check the public school rankings before they’ll settle anywhere.

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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February, 2013

February, 2013

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Parting Shots

Rosicrucian.org

As Obama’s cabinet nominations are scrutinized...

• Study wisdom from scholars and mystics throughout history; ancient to present.

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but little is likely to happen.

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