Humor Times, March 2013 by Humor Times

“Learn how to see. Realize that everything connects to everything else.” – Leonardo da Vinci Issue #255

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March, 2013

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Editor’s Letter Exciting changes afoot with this issue of the Humor Times! As you can see, we’ve changed the format. We’ve gone from a 10” wide by 13” high print area to 10” x 16”, and we’re quarter-folding it, so the cover is a different shape and size. We’re also going from 24 to 20 pages. However, never fear, as the actual print area total is almost exactly the same, from 3120 square inches to 3200. Yes, we’re actually adding 80 square inches, or about four cartoons worth. The change was precipitated by a new post office rule that says we have to quarter-fold the publication to mail it. But we were considering the change anyway, as this format displays better in a magazine rack. (It’s thicker and sturdier when quarter-folded, thus it stands up better.) The new format allows for eight cartoons per page, instead of six. Or, we can keep six and use the left over page space for ads. It also allows for a four-cartoon horizontal half page. As you’ll see, we’ve done all of the above. It gives us more flexibility, which is nice. And you’re still getting the same amount of quality content that you’ve come to expect from the Humor Times! We hope you like the new look, or at least don’t mind it. We’re also changing printers, going back to Gold Country Publications, which we’ve used in the past. We had some problems with our previous printer, and Gold Country does a quality job. They’ve implemented a new heat-setting technique for the cover, which means the ink will no longer rub off, so, there’s another little bonus! Beginning the change with the March issue allows us to get the kinks ironed out before our 22nd Anniversary Issue, which is coming your way in April! And we’re starting our Anniversary Subscription Special early: It’s a great deal, a progressively discounted rate for our progressive readers! The more subscriptions you buy, the cheaper it is per subscription. For each one you add, you get a dollar more off for all of them, up to four dollars. See the ad on the facing page for the breakdown. As always, please recycle the best way – by sharing with friends, or by leaving copies at the coffee shop or laundry, etc., for someone else to discover. Unless, of course, you’re one of the many who save every issue. In which case, you may want to leave them out on the coffee table for visitors to peruse, or loan them to trusted friends you know won’t mess them up! And please, think of the Humor Times when it’s time to give that graduation, birthday or holiday gift to someone. Give the gift of laughter – the gift that keeps on giving, all year long! Thank you!

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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 22, Issue 255, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Inc., Galt, CA 95632. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, P. Beckert, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, Ben Krull, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2013. No part may be reproduced without permission.

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March, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

Migrating Politics It was a rude awakening...

and a role reversal.

Now, Republicans have to change their tune...

It’s obvious that change is needed...

but it won’t be an easy fix.

The president has been patient...

but it’s tricky.

but now it’s time to rise to the challenge.

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2013

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HUMOR TIMES

The Red Rebs Relax. It’s not necessarily the flu making you confused and feverish. Could be spatter from that big, thick, juicy, new, improved Civil War infecting the Republican Party. Yes, again. The Rebs inside the Reds are rebooting themselves for the umpteenth time over the past few election cycles. Have to assume these self-proclaimed frugal guys purchased their huge caches of defibrillators and CPR paddles in bulk. “CLEAR!” Change may emanate from the top, but in a blast from nearer the rump of the totem, Karl Rove announced the formation of a brand new Republican Super PAC. It’s the first of what might be called the Super Duper PACs. And a mere foreshadow of the Holey Moley The Hell is That Super Duper PAC to be unveiled immediately following the midterms. Initial reports have the man known affectionately as Turd Blossom and Bush’s Brain calling his Frankenstein fund-raising monster the “Conservative Victory Party.” Sounds like a natural response coming from the guy who famously threw an Election Night Hissy Fit on Fox News because Mitt Romney wasn’t being properly victorious enough. “Wait, wait, wait. No, I’m telling you, it’s not over. There’s a cul-de-sac in a suburb on the outskirts of Shaker Heights that hasn’t checked in yet. Hey, oww. Let go. My arm doesn’t bend that way.” Rove plans to siphon big money from donors and use it to support moderates in primary elections so Republicans no longer have to enter the generals defending some bat guano-crazy

candidate like Christine “I am Not a Witch” O’Donnell or Todd “Magic Fallopian Tube” Akin. Of course the Tea Party has taken great offense to this move, seeing it as incredibly counter pro duc tive to the chances of their bat guano-crazy candidates. So, you got those two blocs going at it. And with looming demographic flips in mind (Texas turning blue because rich white folks are not having enough babies while other folks are having plenty) there’s a move afoot to make the party more attractive to Hispanics. This undertaking has fallen into two camps: those arguing to temper policies opposing immigration reform and those favoring more cosmetic solutions like wearing sombreros. Another rift surfaced when Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul insisted on giving a blood-thirsty unofficial response to the official State of the Un ion Re pub li can Re sponse by the agua-thirsty Florida Sen. Marco Rubio. This, right after Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal gave a speech pleading for the GOP to stop being the “stupid party.” And the fact that he said it out loud was… well, stupid. The GOP remains so obstinate and unwilling to give the White House even the tiniest of victories they filibustered a Cabinet appointment… from their own party. Causing Democrats, usually known for eating their own, to salivate like perched vultures watching a field of hyenas tear each other apart for the last antelope thigh.

WILL DURST

The situation sort of resembles those old Cage Battles Royale put on by the World Wrestling Federation back in the early ’80s. Where 15 guys got into the ring with a chair, beat each other up and last one standing wins. Maybe that’s what the GOP needs: a Hulk Hogan to pummel everyone back into place. Although that said, Karl Rove has always seemed more like the Rowdy Roddy Piper type. “CLEAR!” 2013 Political Animal Awards Hey! You! Yes, you. Sorry. Just trying to get your attention to impart an important warning here. For the next couple weeks, it’s imperative all you good folks out there stay alert and keep your wits about you. Remove the earbuds, no texting while walking, and you’d be well-advised to brandish a stainless steel umbrella on the street because it’s awards season and golden-plated statuettes are being tossed about like manhole covers during an underground methane explosion. We’ve made it through the Golden Globes and the Screen Actors Guild Awards, with the Grammy Awards and Oscars right around the corner, so this seems the perfect time to weigh in with the barnacle on the belly of the awards ship: Will Durst’s 15th Annual Political Animal Awards: BEST IMPRESSION OF REANIMATED HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN AWARD: And the winner is… oh, forgive me, that’s right, we’re all winners here. The award goes to Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell. BEST DIRECTION OF A COMEDY: To Mitt Romney’s campaign manager, Matt Rhoades. THE HE SHOULD SWITCH TO DECAF AND REALLY SOON AWARD: Vice President Joe Biden. COLLATERAL DAMAGE AWARD: Still picking shrapnel out of his widow’s peak, Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan. THE CLOCK IS TICKING LOUD ENOUGH TO PIERCE EARDRUMS ON A COUPLE DIFFERENT CONTINENTS AWARD: Three-way tie! Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro and Bashar al-Assad. THE YOU CAN GO HOME AGAIN AWARD: To former Gov. Sarah Palin, Fox News’ gain is Alaska’s loss. HEART OF A PLUCKED CHICKEN AWARD: To Nevada Sen. Harry Reid for avoiding the alteration of Senate filibuster rules given the opportunity. THE IT’S BETTER TO BE LUCKY THAN GOOD AWARD: For the second year in a row, POTUS Barack Obama. THE YOUR FIFTEEN MINUTES WERE UP THIRTY MINUTES AGO AWARD: It’s a tie: Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and Lindsay Lohan. THE WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY RETURN MY CALLS ANYMORE AWARD: Karl Rove, and it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. THE YOU CAN KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN AWARD: Former Massachusetts Sen. Scott Brown. THE TAKING SIBLING RIVALRY TO A BRAND NEW LEVEL AWARD: The Harbaugh boys. THE H.G. WELLS DATING SERVICE AWARD: Manti Te’o. THE HEAD IN THE SAND LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: The coveted Ostrich goes to executive vice president and CEO of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre. THE BEAT A DEAD HORSE UNTIL WE’RE ALL COVERED IN A FINE RED MIST AWARD: Another tie: Sens. Lindsay Graham and John McCain who remain determined to get to the bottom of Chuck Hagel’s role in Benghazi. THE GEORGE HAMILTON TANNING AWARD: For the fourth consecutive year, Speaker of the House John Boehner. POP GOES THE WEASEL AWARD: Lance Armstrong. THE SISYPHUS AWARD: Marco Rubio, who has been handed sole responsibility for dragging the entire Republican Party across the immigration reform line. THE OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES AWARD: Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal for suggesting the GOP “stop being the stupid party.” THE RIP VAN WINKLE AWARD: To Hillary Clinton for the well-deserved two-year nap she’s about to take. And finally, THE CONTINENT OF ATLANTIS AWARD: For the fastest, most complete disappearance in political history, Mitt Romney. They must have powered him down, folded him up and placed him back into the original packaging. Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst's new e-book, “Elect to Laugh!” is now available at Redroom.com, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. More info: Willdurst.com.

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March, 2013

Not Deliverable as Budgeted Republicans want targeted budget cuts...

to deliver business to the private sector.

A historic change...

is hoped to improve the situation.

Who knows what this could lead to...

could this revered institution just fade away?

Unfair burdens placed on the P.O. by Congress may be to blame, but many see it as inevitable.

March, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

The Hightower Lowdown Drones Are Coming Home to Roost For nearly four years, President Obama refused to admit a foreign-policy “secret” that was widely known here and throughout the world — namely, that the White House, Pentagon and CIA are engaged in ethically questionable and rapidly escalating drone warfare that’s killing innocent civilians as well as enemy soldiers in Afghanistan, Yemen and elsewhere. But by nominating John Brennan, the architect of this high-tech kill policy, to head the CIA, the president has let the drone out of the bag. Recently, both Brennan and the policy got a grilling from members of both parties on Capitol Hill, with lots of media also questioning the use of unmanned, remote-controlled aircraft to strike people with rockets launched by technicians on computer screens and wielding joysticks from air base bunkers back in the U.S.A. As Congress, the media and the public ponder the merits of that, however, how about noticing an other deeply trou bling pol icy secret looming ever larger on our horizon: the domestic deployment of drones. From Homeland Security officials and the FBI to your state police and county sheriff, these inherently invasive “unmanned aerial vehicles” are being spread across our Land of the Free — and aimed at us. Shouldn’t we get answers to a few basic

questions before authorities swarm these “Orwellian gnats” into our skies? For example, what’s the cost of this (in liberty and lucre), what’s the purpose, and what are the rules to prevent abuses? Cheap, small, noiseless and practically invisible, drones take snooping to a whole new level. Equipped with super-high-powered lenses, infrared and ultraviolet imaging, radar that can see through walls, video analytics and “swarm” technologies that use a group of drones that operate in concert to allow surveillers to watch an entire city, these devices are made to be intrusive. And, of course, they can be “weaponized” to let police agents advance from intrusion to repression. In other words, we are on a fast track to becoming a society under routine, pervasive surveillance. As the ACLU put it in an excellent December 2011 report on the UAV threat, such a development “would profoundly change the character of public life in the United States.” It’s worth adding that public authorities are not the only ones getting UAVs. Corporations have a keen interest in their potential for surreptitious monitoring of environmentalists, union leaders, protesters and competitors. Plus, those being watched might well want to keep track of those who are tracking them. Divorce lawyers,

private investigators, political operatives and others who snoop for a living will surely find drones attractive. Individuals — from hobbyists to survivalists — are already building their own. And won’t criminals get them, too? The goal of drone pushers is to have a startling 30,000 of these pilotless contrivances zipping through the air by 2020. Holy moly! Our nation’s entire commercial fleet of passenger and cargo planes numbers only about 7,000. And lest you think that 30,000 drones is an industry fantasy, a map compiled from military records discloses that as of last June the Pentagon alone already had 64 drone bases throughout our country, with another 22 bases planned. The Posse Comitatus Act of 1878 prohibits the military from operating on American soil, but there it is. What are they doing? We don’t know. But it’s time to ask. The good news is that the industry and its cohorts have been recently stunned by a remarkable left-right counterpunch. They are not only being confronted by such progressive opponents of their liberty-busting gambit as the ACLU, CodePink and Democratic Rep. Ed Markey of Massachusetts in the U.S. House and Ron Wyden of Oregon in the Senate, but also a determined bunch of Republican privacy defenders in Congress and the media, including Kentucky

JIM HIGHTOWER Sen. Rand Paul, “Morning Joe” Scarborough on MSNBC, Bloomberg col um nist Ramesh Ponnuru and even far-right Fox commentator Charles Krauthammer, who says: “I don’t want restrictions (on drones) — I want a ban.” Ameri cans of all po lit i cal stripes (from Greens to Libertarians) hold the rights of privacy, free assembly and speech dear. Republican Rep. Ted Poe of Texas, for example, is a hard-right conservative, but he gets it that nothing could be more genuinely conservative than conserving those fundamental rights. Last July 24, Poe took to the House floor to shout out to all of us citizens a timely update of Paul Revere’s legendary cry: “The drones are coming!” He’s chairman of the sub committee on homeland security, so he’s not just pissing in the wind. He, Markey, Paul and others are sponsoring similar bills to rein in the harum-scarum drive to infest our skies and society with drones. Not only is this a fight that grassroots people can win against the profiteers and privacy invaders, but it’s one we must win. For more information, go to epic.org.

You’ve Come a Long Way (from Home to Fight), Baby Women were cleared to fight on the front lines...

which is a first.

You’ve come a long way, baby...

with a long way to go.

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2013

Unseasonably Weird The signs are everywhere...

and the consequences very real.

Obama says he’s working on it...

but the fossil fuel industry is wary...

saying we needn’t move too fast.

Meanwhile, supposed energy solutions may backfire.

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March, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

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“We Report, You Decry!” Politics: The obvious next move for silver-tongued actor

Charlie Sheen to Run for President on ‘Winning’ Ticket NEW YORK – In a surprising move yesterday, Adonis Charlie Sheen announced that he would run for POTUS (Pres i dent of the United States) in 2016, and that, obviously, everyone else who ran would fail and become “epic losers.”

Sheen for Prez? “Duh! Electoral vote winner!”

Mr. Sheen, no stranger to the spotlight, has pounced on the opportunity to see just how far his fame might take him. Even after finding out that POTUS was not a drug and that it meant he would definitely maybe have to work, he said he was still interested. Later, upon hearing that POTUS was the highest office that one could hold on the earth and that it was the next logical step in becoming MOTU (Mas ter of the Uni verse), Char lie Sheen responded immediately with, “Winning!” However, during an exclusive interview with this reporter, Mr. Sheen let his am bi tious and cre ative tiger-brain know no bounds. “Who’s the most powerful person on the planet? The POTUS. Who tells him what to do? Nobody. Well, that’s who I want to be. I don’t want to be president of the US anymore – lame. I want to be the president of the president. I’m calling it POTPOTUS. Duh. Winning!” Reported by Humor Times Senior Crazy Celebrity Correspondent, Jeff Boldt (ironenews.com)

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Obama: Drone Strikes “Not Lip-Synced” ‘Drone strikes deaths performed live’ says prez WASHINGTON D.C. – Following the contro- were those real people or were we watching some versial lip-syncing performance by singing sensa- kid play Call of Duty in his mom’s basement?” tion Beyonce Knowles at the inauguration a “Good morning, Mr. President – Barry Wine couple weeks ago, a pall here with MSNBC. Can of skepticism has hung you comment on the over much of the adauthenticity of the colministration’s policies lateral damage incurred and decisions, both curby the drone strikes rent and past, not the over the past few years; least of which is related were those 50 or 60 to drone strikes. kids ac tu ally killed Pres i dent Obama, w ith U. S. pre d a t or the 2009 Nobel Peace drones or were they Prize winner, has come Palestinian and Israeli out strong in defense of children?” his ad min is tra tion’s The pres i dent, as President Obama performs at press conference. anti-ter ror pol i cies, calm and calculated as holding multiple press conferences to answer ever, responded to the questions with aplomb. questions, allay fears, and assuage public doubts. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he said. “I stand here After fielding questions from whether or not today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the fiscal cliff is a literal or figurative cliff to the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacriwhether or not Michelle’s bangs are literal or figu- fices borne by our ancestors. I thank President rative bangs, reporters began questioning the ve- Bush for his service to our nation – [Obama racity of U.S. drone strikes, asking whether these off-mic: ‘Cut it! That’s the wrong tape guys – were live strikes or simply prerecorded replays. damn it. It’s number three.’] Excuse us everyone – “Mr. President, good morning,” CNN corre- technical difficulties.” spondent Strait Truf began. “How are we to know Though there is ground still to be covered, that the recent drone strikes in Yemen last August, many feel that both the president (and Beyonce) which killed a number of innocent Yemenis (in- have fully proven themselves to the public and cluding cleric Ali Jaber), was an actual military that everyone’s unquestioning acceptance should strike and not merely an exciting 2004 or 2006 re- resume back to normal. run? Or the most recent attack on January 23rd, Reported by Humor Times Senior Lip Sync which killed an innocent teacher and university Correspondent, Jeff Boldt (ironenews.com) student along with five members of Al Qaeda –

Ahmadinejad, Lonely, Creates Social Networking Site for Dictators New social site big hit with anti-social types everywhere TEHRAN, IRAN – For Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, life as a dictator is starting to take its toll. His answer: FASCISTBOOK. In an extremely candid and colorful interview with this news agency, the Iranian leader showed us his vulnerable side and talked about how his important position and responsibilities have not come without their costs. “Being a beloved despot is not as easy or glamorous as some might think,” Ahmadinejad revealed. “There are too few leaders who can relate, you know—who do what I do day in and day out. Honestly, it’s lonely at the top of tyranny.” So Mahmoud, while working with Microsoft on his latest censorship programs, created an innovative networking site as “a solution to the strain.” Mahmoud was asked about how he thought his site would stand up against other well-known social networking sites and if he had gained any inspiration from his competitors. “Fascistbook is the first of its kind and completely original,” Mahmoud said, obviously refer-

ring to the site’s similarity to another well-known so cial net work. “I be gan working on it thirty years ago, before I invented the internet. H ow a bout tha t, spawn of Sa tan? ! (Taking a minute to compose himself…) Ahmadinejad’s first profile photo: “Dashing, yes?” My apologies. You can see now why I’m sometimes referred to as Mahmoody.” “We dictators need a place to connect with each other and share what’s going on in our lives. I mean, where else can Mugabe and Assad upload photos of genocide or Kim Jong Un post videos of ballistic missile tests, and then comment on them? Not to mention the fun factor, too. The other day, Omar and Than Shwe both added me as a friend!” Reported by Jeff Boldt (ironenews.com)

U.S. Cancels Regular Drone Strikes on Saturdays WASHINGTON – Citing budgetary concerns, the United States announced today that it would dis con tinue reg u lar Sat ur day drone strikes on U.S. cit i zens, b e g i nni ng i n 2014. In announcing Saturday service curtailed. the decision, the White House spokesman Jay Carney acknowledged that the cutback in drone service was “bound to be controversial.” “In the United States, we’ve always prided ourselves on our ability to target our citizens with drone strikes, Monday through Saturday, regardless of the weather,” he said. “We know that losing Saturday drone service is going to take some getting used to.” But the move to cut back drone service drew sharp criticism from a longtime defender of the pro gram, the for mer Vice-Pres i dent Dick Cheney. “Like most Americans, I thought I’d never see the day when drones just up and take Saturdays off,” he said. “This would never be happening if I were still President.” As if to silence critics, Mr. Carney assured reporters that drones could “still get the job done” Monday through Friday, and reminded U.S. citizens to update the government on any change of address so the drones would know where to reach them. Reported by Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com.

Humor Times Subscription Special Attacked as ‘Overly Generous’ Top economists questioned the sanity of Humor Times newspaper executives during a business conference today, say ing the political humor monthly was being “overly generous” with their new Anniversary Gift Discount Special, good through April 30, 2013. Reportedly, for every regular U.S. gift subscription purchased, the Humor Times discount increases by one dollar per gift, up to $4.00. “It is unwise – you just can't give increasing discounts and stay in business,” said Artemis Ledger, a respected economic consultant. Mr. Ledger explained the discount this way: “Say a generous person, who realizes the prodigious value of political satire – such as that found in the Humor Times – gives four or more subscriptions, thus elevating the mood of four lucky people all year, making them incredibly thankful and forever indebted to the giver. “Well, that big-hearted person would receive an amazing $4.00 off of each gift subscription! They'd better hurry, though, the offer expires soon.”

Axe-Wielding Hitchhiking Hero Inspires Copycats

Russian Meteor Actually a Vintage VW Bus

Misfits nationwide take up stereotype-defying mantle

In an experiment that went horribly awry, a Reed claims there is an Amana refrigerator, a piece of space junk fell out of the sky this week Kenmore stackable washer and dryer unit, and a which was mistakenly identified as a meteor. 1960s curio cabinet orbiting earth at this very It has been confirmed that the object, which moment, among other things. streaked across the Russian skies, causing over He noted that there is a bowling ball in orbit 1,000 injuries, was in that has oc ca sion ally fact a vintage VW Bus been mistaken for a tiny trav el ing at ap prox ispeck on Jupiter’s surmately 40,000 mph. Ball face when viewed bear ings, side mir rors through a high-powered and seats turned into telescope. fireballs as the vehicle “Let me assure you,” hurtled toward earth. Reed said, “none of the Officials from NASA afore men tioned items admitted that the VW are at risk of falling to Graphic approximation of VW ‘meteor.’ Bus was part of an exearth.” periment known as “Catapult Orbit,” wherein The Captain did say, however, that due to this ordinary objects from earth are transported to latest embarrassment, plans to catapult a douthe International Space Station and periodically ble-wide Fleetwood trailer into orbit will be put launched into space, to see if – and more impor- on hold. tantly, how long – they could remain in orbit “If a VW Bus can do this much damage, imaround the earth. age the trash a trailer might produce if it acci“The VW bus got away from us somehow,” dentally veered off orbit,” he said. claims Capt. Jim Reed, commander in charge of In a related statement, Volkswagon claims the program. that the artificial meteor proves once and for all “We began launching small objects in 2007, the concept of Fahrvergnügen, which, loosely and have been increasing their size right up to translated, means “a bump on the noggin from the time we launched the VW Bus,” said Reed. far away.” “We had such huge successes with various Reported by Humor Times Senior Space kitchen appliances, that we were certain a large Case Cor re spon dent , P. B e c k e r t. vehicle would not be a problem.” (isaidlaughdammit .blogspot.com.)

A Humor Times exclusive A homeless axe-wielding drifter turned out to be a hitchhiker hero this month, and is now inspiring copycats. Kai – the only name the unlikely celebrity would give – stopped a raving, racist lunatic from killing people. The man claimed he was Jesus reincarnated, and was presumably helping people get to heaven more quickly. Our hero’s expletive-rich hip surfer-dude interview quickly went viral on YouTube. Kai managed to take an ingrained stereotype and turn it on its head. Now it seems his good deed is inspiring copycats. In Kansas City yesterday, for instance, a bank robber stopped mid-escape to help an old lady cross the street, telling her all about Kai. She tipped him for his trouble. He got away. Westboro Baptist Church founder and pastor Fred Phelps Sr. decided to stop praying for people to die and embrace “the gay within” instead. “Who am I kidding,” said Phelps, “I’m as gay as a tap dancing hyena. It’s always been so. Lord, forgive me!” In Texas, the Koch brothers made an about face, nixing support for sucking tar sands gook from Canada, and planning to use the pipeline for distributing Moosehead beer instead. In Miami, a bomb-wielding jihadist blew up a terrorist sleeper cell, saying Kai’s video gave

h im a change of h e a r t . Now he want s to go into the d e m o l ition business – the legal kind. Kai, the homeless hippy surfer dude ax-wielding hitchhiker hero. And in New York City, even Brian Moynihan, CEO of Bank of America, was inspired to do good. Moynihan decided his bank ought to participate in the Home Affordable Modification Program (HAMP) after all, if just to help one lucky customer revise a mortgage and save their home. However, when bank management tried to carry out his request, nobody in the company knew quite how to handle an order to actually help a customer, rather than take them for all they are worth. Now the problem seems to have escalated, causing a bottleneck in the entire financial system, initiating a cascade effect that experts say may well result in another economic collapse. President Obama has said he will spare no effort to deal with the crisis, and has issued a call out for Kai to save the day – “wherever he may be.”

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2013

Drone Clones Obama says heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s got this drone thing down...

to a surgical process.

Heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a constitutional lawyer...

so he can rationalize...

and hope for the best.

Secrecy, he said, is important...

because the bad guys are out there...

March, 2013

and we are the good guys.

HUMOR TIMES

Big Bang

Pooped Pope

The NRA wants to move on...

The Pope is making a historic exit...

saying what’s done is done.

and speculation runs rampant.

He’s looking forward to some ‘me’ time... They’re worried about their image...

but some say it simply wasn’t proper.

so they’re incubating fresh ideas.

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2013

Argus Sez Carnival Cruise liner Triumph had a fire in the engine room off Mexico that knocked out all electricity on the ship. The food went rancid and the sewage backed up. It defeats the whole idea of taking a cruise to Mexico when you can drive there and get the same effect. Pope Benedict informed a church gathering recently that he will officially step down in March. It took a lot of character to exit the world stage like this. For centuries other pontiffs have been recommending the withdrawal method, but this pope leads by example. St. Paul’s Cathedral tower in Vatican City was struck by a lightning bolt Monday just after Pope Benedict resigned. It was a surprise. Seven years ago when the College of Cardinals selected a German pope, they had no idea it meant Thor would be understudying. The Atlanta Braves said they will stop displaying the screaming Indian logo because they say it denigrates American Indians. No solution is ever perfect. They will replace it with a logo of an Asian Indian giving tech support to a white guy over the phone. Rap star Chris Brown crashed his Porsche in an alley behind Good Shepherd Church in Beverly Hills. The police arrived and found the Porsche smashed to pieces. The cops checked his record on the computer and then asked him if he was dating the car. The San Bernardino police surrounded cop killer Chris Dornan in a cabin in Big Bear and burned it to the ground. Everyone agreed he had it coming. The San Bernardino po lice are largely Protestants but that doesn’t keep them from celebrating Ash Wednesday. Huffington Post quoted anti-L.A. police leftists who said Chris Dorner was murdered by cops who set fire to the cabin to kill him intentionally. Proper protocols have been maintained. Identifica tion of his body is being delayed until his next of kindling is notified.

ARGUS HAMILTON

California’s Oxnard High School suspended four kids for wearing U.S. flag bandanas and chanting USA at a game. They were cited for being culturally insensitive. The kids said they didn’t do anything wrong, and when they said it in English it doubled the penalty. The Auto Club reports that gasoline prices reached an all-time high for the month of February. It’s just a temporary supply problem. The U.S. produces forty percent of the world’s oil, but we’ve only invaded twelve percent of the world’s oil-producing nations. National Geographic geologists said Asia will ram into America in a hundred million years and form one big continent. It gave Democrats a brand-new argument. What’s the point in paying off the national debt if China is going to repossess us anyway? President Obama in his State of the Union speech called for more U.S. money to battle global poverty. He said many people in the world are forced to live on as little as one dollar a day. So it’s official, the president sends his brother in Kenya thirty bucks a month. President Obama proposed one hundred and sixty billion dollars in added spending to create new middle class jobs. The middle class work ethic is history in some cities. In California everyone thinks the best way to get back on your feet is to miss a car payment. President Obama used his State of the Union speech to propose one hundred and sixty billion dollars in federal spending for new programs. He said the programs won’t cost taxpayers a dime. Bernie Madoff was kept out of the U.S. Capitol building during the State of the Union speech so that in case of catastrophe we would have continuity of government.

Eccentric Neighbor North Korea’s new young dictator is free-wheelin’...

and a bit precocious.

He’s a chip off the old block... and likes to be the center of attention.

March, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

Down to a Trickle Congress is hard at work, as usual...

but they know perfection can’t be rushed.

After all, cuts could be painful...

and messy.

But they know what they’re doing...

and this isn’t child’s play.

The game seems rigged...

but there’s a new sheriff in town.

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2013

Prez

March, 2013

Repubs Expectations have been dashed...

Republicans are looking to present a new face...

but the prez hopes to deliver to his base.

and they promise to to do better...

Heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s trying to connect with the public...

than Obama.

and to make history.

Meanwhile, theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re bulking up for next election season.

HUMOR TIMES

Miscellaneous Mischief

HUMOR TIMES

March, 2013

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