Humor Times, April 2013

“For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.” – Doug Larson

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Issue #256

April, 2013

22nd Anniversary Issue Formerly the Comic Press News

(About half a subscripthat with tion!)

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The imes T r o Hum nts prese

Join us in celebrating the

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at the Clarion

22nd Anniversary!

Inn

1401 Arden Way, Sacramento (in the Martinique Ballroom)

Sunday, May 5th, 6:30pm (doors open 6:00pm) Tickets: $35 / $40 / available at: The Beat, 1700 J St, Sacramento and on our secure online order form, at www.omsoft.com/secure/humortimes/events/eventform.asp For more information or to order over the phone: 916-455-1217 • info@humortimes.com

Help Us Celebrate! Get Your Tickets NOW to see the great comedy troupe, THE CAPITOL STEPS, May 5th!

More info on the back cover and at HumorTimes.com

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Editor’s Letter

Congratulations, Humor Times, on Your 22nd Anniversary!

Welcome to the 22nd Anniversary Issue of the Humor Times!

Every year, I’m even more amazed at how long we’ve been around. It’s all thanks to our supporters – you, as well as our advertisers. Without you, we would have gone the way of, well, US News & World Report, PC Magazine, Rocky Mountain News, Nickelodeon, Seattle PostIntelligencer, Vibe and thousands of other magazines & newspapers that are no longer in print.

Although print publications were in sharp decline for a few years there, things are actually looking up. As The Economist (yes, still in print) says, “Among magazines there is a new sense of optimism. In North America, where the recession bit deepest, more new magazines were launched than closed in 2011 for the second year in a row ... Magazine audiences are growing faster than those for TV or newspapers, especially among the young.”

It goes on, “Unlike newspapers, most magazines didn't have large classified-ad sections to lose to the internet, and their material has a longer shelf-life. Above all, says David Carey, the boss of Hearst Magazines, a big American publisher, they represent aspirations: ‘they do a very good job of inspiring your dreams.’”

Well, I hope we inspire, if not your dreams, at least a some hearty laughter. Thanks for continuing to support us, and if you’re in the giving mood, right now would be a great time to give the Humor Times to someone in need of a chuckle: We’ve got our Anniversary Special going on through the end of April. (See the ad on bottom of previous page for more info.)

If you’re in the Sacramento area on May 5th, I hope you’ll help us celebrate the anniversary by coming to our presentation of The Capitol Steps, the great touring political comedy troupe (their motto is, “we put the The Capitol Steps performing live. ‘mock’ in democracy”), at the Clarion Inn, 1401 Arden Way, Sacramento (in the ballroom), starting at 6:30pm.

Tickets are $35 general, $40 for the first two rows, and are available at The Beat, 1700 J St, Sacramento, and on our secure online order form at www.omsoft.com/secure/humortimes/events /eventform.asp. If you hate typing long url addresses into your browser like I do, just go to humortimes.com, and we’ll have a link there. You may also order by phone at 916-455-1217.

They sell out venues twice the size of where the show is this year, so get your tickets now!

Another goodie we’re happy to bring your way with this issue is a half price deal to see comedian Steve Hofstetter at Marilyn's On K this month. We used our special hypnotic powers to convince them to provide tickets for our very special readers at just HALF PRICE – $10 (regularly $20). See the ad, back cover, for more info.

And, please continue to support the media you want to see – give Humor Times subscriptions to friends and relatives – and to yourself. Thank you!

– James Israel, Publisher/editor

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George Bernard Shaw’s hilarious comedy about social climbers of the economic classes...

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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 22, Issue 256, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217.

Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, P. Beckert, Nate Beeler, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, Ben Krull, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2013. No part may be reproduced without permission.

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HUMOR TIMES

3

Congressional Crises Manufacturing, Inc. Despite all the talk of compromise...

it’s just one avoidable “crisis” after another.

Teapublicans say they’re just happy to help...

defending citizens with fiery orations...

while leaving national defense defenseless.

It seems like a game to Congress...

although they feign concern...

4

and pretend to act like adults. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2013

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The Humor Times 22nd Anniversary show: The CAPITOL STEPS, Sunday, May 5th, 6:30pm, at the Clarion Inn, Sacramento!

More info on the back cover, and at HumorTimes.com

April, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

5

The GOP Autopsy Normally you don’t expect to see the words “Republicans” and “introspection” right next to each other. Like supermodel and barbecue. Physicist and polka. Gazelle and ophthalmology. You catch my drift.

But that’s exactly what happened last week, when the Republican Party released a 100-page report detailing why their last presidential campaign skidded into the emergency room Dead on Arrival.

The findings were compiled through analysis, interviews and feedback from campaign managers, focus groups, and most likely augmented by clandestine hanging out at bars during happy hour in the proximity of graveyards and funeral parlors. Some paint it as a comprehensive post-election review.

Others argue it’s incomprehensible. The media calls it an autopsy. A self-addressed post-mortem love letter in the spirit of Poe. Hogwash and flummery could also be thrown into the descriptive mix, as the dispatch’s theme finds nothing wrong with the party message; the problem is all in the delivery. No need to demonstrate more compassion, the trick is to seem more compassionate. Got to learn how to win Ohio without ticking off Arkansas. In other words, all they need to do is to bleach the leopard’s spots.

The study was commissioned by members of the party’s hierarchy and given the official title — Growth and Opportunity Project. A GOP for the GOP. Although Grossly Obvious Pop-

pycock fits as well. Claiming party purity trumps electoral victory, there is already heavy pushback from the right. “What good is it to win earthly spoils when you lose your immortal soul and your breath still smells like embalming fluid?”

What this really calls for is an independent perspective. You want an autopsy, we’ll give you an autopsy.

“Summary Report of Autopsy concerning the corpse of the 2012 Republican campaign. External Examination. Close inspection of the body, an old white billionaire, reveals a serrated knife approximately 9 inches long with the initials, Grover Norquist, engraved on the handle, protruding from under the right side between the 4th & 5th ribs.

“Gunshot residue found covering the right hand in excess of ½-inch depth, which, considering the holes in the right temple exhibiting upward trajectories, is consistent with what can only be described as a series of self-inflicted gunshot wounds. DNA tests reveal skin samples found under the broken nails of both hands are indicative of numerous encounters between the victim and an unknown woman or perhaps group of women.

“The nose is missing, which corresponds to the victim’s recent recurring publicized bout of TeaPartyitis, a disease which causes the sufferer to cut off his nose to spite his face. In the rectum, what appears to be a wooden stick 6 inches long and ¾ inch in diameter, has been lodged for quite some time, causing a critical backup of feces.

“Pending toxicology results from the lab, internal examina-

WILL DURST

tion reveals organs in a state consistent with the victim’s age, with two conspicuous anomalies. A steady diet of bunk and bamboozle has dulled the senses creating a milky film that covers the retinas. Most exceptional was the astonishing discovery of the total absence of a heart.

“It is the opinion of this office that the cause of death was this myocardial void, along with the aforementioned complications from various acute traumas. In other words, the victim was probably dead for a long time, just didn’t know it.”

Baby Boomers See the Bright Sides of Extreme Maturity Some fancy-dancy pub lic-pol icy think-tank just re leased a brand-new study that speculates the legion of aging baby boomers will permanently redefine retirement. Mainly because so few of us will be able to afford to retire.

“Uh, lady, you want lids on these?” Fast-food break rooms equipped with CPR paddles. A forest of tennis ball-footed walkers leaning against the brooms and mops by the back door. Intra-generational minimum wage squabbles: “Hey you punks, get your greasy hot apple pie holes off my oxygen tank.”

One of the optimum ways our demographic bulge can beneficently alter old age is by changing what we call it. Getting rid of some of the odious appellations for senior citizenry would take a huge amount of the quease out of approaching antiquity. What we need is a calamari for the squid. Everybody loves extreme, how ’bout from now on we refer to the ever-encroaching condition as Extreme Maturity?

No sense belaboring the negative aspects of the boomer path. We are all too cognizant of its passage being one way and ever darkening.

Just as easy to focus on the upside. We are not old. We are vintage.

Classic. Enduring. Established. Persistent. Time-tested. Seasoned.

Steadfast. Stable. Durable. Reputable. Reliable. Rare. Repositories of uber experience. Acute ambulatory aggregates of accomplishment.

And laughing in the face of it all, we adamantly continue to buy green bananas and timeshares.

Our motor skills may have declined through oxidation, and perhaps we’re not as quick to dodge trouble as we once were; but on the other hand, boomers have gained the hard-won ability to recognize trouble’s approach and can, most times, steer clear of it well in advance. And since we’re on a mini-roll here, what say we trot out a couple more examples of: The Bright Sides of Extreme Maturity • Can always claim the batteries in your hearing aid are shorting out. Even when you’re not wearing a hearing aid.

• Those creaks in your bones tend to keep you alert while driving.

• You don’t really EVER expect anybody to tell you the actual truth anymore.

• Much less peer pressure. And it diminishes every day.

• On spy missions, those liver spots provide perfect cover to hide microdots.

• Just saying “irritable bowel syndrome” annoys young people so much that they go away. With alacrity.

• Who on earth wouldn’t want to have their living assisted?

• Only need nine books in your library. Read them in order, alphabetically, then start over.

• Pretty much any cane you wield can be set on “stun.”

• Getting up to pee three times a night turns out to be a very effective means of home security.

• Obamacare totally covers Alzheimer’s, dude.

• Always at least one ear hair so long and thick you can cut cheese with it.

• Still doing drugs, only now there’s a co-pay.

• When properly positioned, chronic flatulence can be used as a booster rocket to rectify inertia.

• Much easier to dress for funerals than for weddings. And they’re usually shorter, too.

• The mantra “Don’t trust anybody over 30? still applies and now includes your kids.

• Obamacare totally covers Alzheimer’s, dude.

And finally, a last example of one of the Bright Sides of Extreme Maturity: • In a pinch, those nipple rings can double as belt loops.

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HUMOR TIMES

April, 2013

A Decade of Unmitigated Disaster (DUD) We’ve been in Iraq for 10 long years now...

made possible by that wild & wacky Bush crew...

which has led us to this moment.

Elsewhere, things are going just as well.

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Help Us Celebrate the Humor Times’ 22nd Anniversary! Get Your Tickets NOW to see the hilarious comedy troupe,

The CAPITOL STEPS, Sunday, May 5th, 6:30pm, at the Clarion Inn, Sacramento!

More info on the back cover, and at HumorTimes.com

April, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

7

North Korea

China

Former NBA star and human pincushion Dennis Rodman...

loves Kim Jong Un, who he says is da bomb.

China has been quite industrious...

reaching into every corner of the globe.

Yet most Americans are unaware...

The No. Korean leader wants to return the love...

but the prez has other ideas.

8

that the enemy is nigh.

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2013

Common Ground The way Washington works these days...

nothing much gets done...

which frustrates everyone...

especially voters.

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HUMOR TIMES

9

The Hightower Lowdown “The Dow” Versus “The Doug” “It’s a sign,” exclaims a February Associated Press story — a sign that our economy is “healing.” “It signals that things are getting back to normal,” added a delighted market analyst. And a March 4 New York Times report heralded it as “a golden age.”

The “it” they’re hailing is the Dow, that mystical force believed by faithful Dowists to be “The Way” — the provider of good fortune, often bestowing its magical beneficence by magical means. The Dow Jones Industrial Average is the holy measure of corporate stock prices, and it is now smiling warmly on its acolytes.

Last week, the Dow Jones Average reached a new high, having regained every dime of the $11 trillion that Wall Street investors had lost in the 2007 crash. “Hallelujah,” shout the devout.

“All praise the Dow!” Unless, of course, your wealth is dependent not on stock prices, but on wages. In that case, you’re among the ma jor ity of Amer i cans who’re more concerned about the Doug Jones Average. Forget the buzz about “a golden age” — Doug, Darcy, Diego, Deewanna and all the other Joneses can’t even afford to enter the Golden Arches, for they’re still mired in the Great Job Depression that Wall Street’s crash

caused.

Washington rushed to the rescue of the financial elites, but the Joneses are still getting double-stiffed by Washington policymakers and by the very elites Washington continues to coddle.

The GOP House refuses to talk about a minimal tax hike on the superrich, but members had no qualms about jacking up the payroll taxes on millions of workaday people.

Meanwhile, even as corporate profits have rocketed up by 20 percent a year since the end of 2008, the chieftains are still refusing to increase hiring and are holding down wages. As a result, the share of America’s total income that goes to workers has now tumbled to the lowest level in nearly half a century.

United Technologies (one of the 30 corporations whose financial performances are measured to calculate the Dow Jones Averages) is a force in that knockdown. This industrial giant, fed a regular diet of fat government contracts, has enjoyed annual revenue increases of some $2 billion a year since 2005, yet rather than increasing its workforce, CEO Louis Chenevert is shedding workers. Last month, only four days after announcing that United Tech’s stock price had leaped to a record high, the corporation revealed that it will fire 3,000 employees this year,

on top of the 4,000 dumped in 2012.

That is the harsh math behind such recent smiley-face headlines as this one: “Household wealth back at pre-recession levels.” Oh, joy — we’re all rich again!

Or not. The article attributes the gain in household wealth to “surging stock prices.” But before you start ripping up your floorboards in hopes of finding your share of this bounty, read deeper into the article to learn that the Dow doesn’t do much at all for the Doug. In fact, the wealthiest 10 percent of households own 80 percent of all corporate stocks.

Harsher yet is the way the corporate powers are treating those financially stretched Americans who’re looking not for a bundle of wealth, but just a decent job. Today’s massive backlog of unemployed and underemployed workers allows corporations to bring in hoards of top-quality applicants and literally toy with them. It’s now common for a job-seeker to return five, seven, nine or more times to the same company hiring hall for senseless rounds of interviews — only to have the company whimsically decide not to fill the opening at all.

From Google to Starbucks, major corporations have roughly doubled the duration of their interview process in the last two years. The New

JIM HIGHTOWER York Times noted that one fellow seeking a video-editing job was run through a gauntlet of nine interviews and made to undergo a ridiculous battery of psychological and personality exams, along with a math quiz and a spelling test — after which the company simply closed the opening.

In sult ing, yes, but ex pen sive, too. The out-of-work interviewee has to pay for producing work samples and cover the cost of everything from dry cleaning to parking fees. The job-dangling corporation, on the other hand, can simply force existing employees to shoulder a heavier load, while it trifles with applicants looking for what is laughingly referred to in CorporateSpeak as “the purple squirrel” — an applicant too qualified to exist.

Even a dog knows the difference between being tripped over ... and kicked. The way workaday Americans are being kicked around today is revolting — both in the sense of being abhorrent and inevitably inducing a revolt.

Dead on Arrival Common sense can only prevail...

when the system is not rigged.

Instead, the will of the people...

10

is subverted by a powerful few.

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2013

Earth Day 2013

Horsing Around

The situation is dire...

It’s hard to believe...

but things are not always...

but our leaders don’t have a clue...

so it’s up to us.

April, 2013

what they seem.

HUMOR TIMES

11

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

It’s the HUMOR TIMES 22nd Anniversary Subscription Special! See back cover!

Use the form on page 3, or get a buck off all subscriptions by signing up at www.humortimes.com!

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

It’s the HUMOR TIMES 22nd Anniversary Subscription Special! See back cover!

Use the form on page 3, or get a buck off all subscriptions by signing up at www.humortimes.com!

“We Report, You Decry!”

Area Man’s Social Life Not as Impressive as Facebook Page Suggests HT breaks the news: People exaggerate on their social media profiles!

To the un trained eye, Brit Crinkler’s profile page on the number one social networking site in the world – Facebook – comes across, not only impressive but, as s o m e might say, bor der ing on the extravagant.

One of the women ed i tors of this pub lication, upon viewing the young man’s Facebook profile, likened it to drinking a Grey Goose martini straight out of Sean Connery’s mouth.

But the results are in, Mr. Crinkler – the veil has been removed – and it doesn’t look good.

According to his younger brother, Ty, there is an alarming disparity between Brit’s actual number of friends in real life and the number listed on his Facebook page.

For five years, the world has been un der the im pres sion that Brit Crinkler has up wards of 1,250 friends. Ostensibly, this would qualify him for some sort of Guinness record, but upon further examination, a hundred of those are simply acquaintances, two hundred are friends of friends, and five to seven hundred are people that he has never even met!

All of this makes one wonder if everything else is not a sham – it might even make one question the very fabric of our social existence. For instance, has he read all of those intellectually stimulating books listed as favorites? And does he even know who Miles Davis and John Coltrane are?

Apparently, what has long been the Mount Rushmore of social web pages is really just paper maché and some glitter paint.

The world deserves better, Mr. Crinkler (whoever you are).

By senior Humor Times social media critic, Jeff Boldt.

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Pot-Seeking Caravans Headed for Marijuana Meccas Peter Tosh’s “Legalize It” heard booming from boomer caravans across the land News that the recreational use of marijuana has mecca that promises to bring them all the healthful been legalized in Colorado and Oregon have benefits of marijuana, as well as some camaradeboomers all over the United States plotting to get rie they have been missing for a long time. their fair share, while do“It’s like old times ing their best to stay unagain,” said Paul B., a reder the radar of the local tired car pen ter from authorities.

Somerset, Georgia, who “Maravans,” they are just arrived at Graham’s called. Caravans headed home the evening before. for the two states that “We’ve been sitting have what they want — around, giddy like little marijuana — are becomkids, talk ing about the ing a regular sight on the good old days. Marcus nation’s back roads. brought his acoustic, and “Me and the old lady Young and old alike trek to land of “poturtunity.” Mary Ellen, his wife, has have terrible back pains o n e o f t he s w e e t e s t and we are sick and tired of the doctors giving us voices I’ve heard. We’re having a down-home narcotics to treat it,” said Graham F., of Austin. hootenanny of sorts, with some Dylan and Zeppe“Colorado is only a day’s drive from our home, lin mixed in for good measure,” he said. where we have friends who will sell us the kind Graham doesn’t charge for allowing folks to stuff. God intended us to have it, as we get older camp on his property. and need to deal with various medical maladies.”

“They pay me in friendship,” he said. “And The kindly old hippie has opened his land as a they share their good fortune with me around the staging area for caravans headed for both Colo- campfire at night before they head back home rado and Oregon. with their treasure,” he added with a smile and a Recently, a group of maravaners drove to his wink, “if you know what I mean.” home in Austin from Charlotte, North Carolina to By senior Humor Times baby boomer correjoin in a good old-fashioned hippie caravan to a spondent, P. Beckert.

U.S. Drone Kills John Boehner President assures nation he will continue judicious use of drones An enthused President Obama addressed the nation last night to announce that a U.S. drone strike has killed Rep. John Boehner. The President insisted the 61st speaker of the House of Representatives completely deserved it. He “hijacked congress,” the President said, plus he “was harder to get in a meeting than Osama Bin Laden.” The speech concluded with Obama hinting that Eric Cantor might be next.

The news comes after a month in which Senator Rand Paul made headlines with his 13 hour filibuster over the issue of potential drone Obama orders preemptive drone strike on John Boehner. strikes on Americans. The ensuing debate in con- lyst Chuck Todd felt it fairly likely President gress seems to have struck a chord with the com- Obama would veto the measure. “He wants to apmander in chief, for he reportedly told advisors, pear fair and balanced,” Chuck Todd said. “At the “we need to kill Boehner before Rand Paul makes same time he’s unlikely to approve a measure that will order drones to blow his own head across the it illegal.”

This morning the White House Chief of Staff White House lawn.”

As expected, Bill O’Reilly disagreed. Appearfielded questions from angry Tea Party members who seized control of the press event because they ing on Happening Now, he said, “Obama’s a Musfeared Sa rah Palin might be next. Denis lim. Of course he’s willing to die to screw McDonough in sisted Pres i dent Obama has America. Folks, what we have here is the first ever watched “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” and determined case of a suicide-bombing President.” When not to eliminate her, since he feel she’s “a per- asked to ex plain this rant, O’Reilly calmed enough to suggest Obama’s secret plan has always fectly useless target.”

On Capitol Hill, meanwhile, Republicans were been to get killed by drones, become a martyr, and busy trying to jam a bill through congress that keep Republicans from ever winning another would get U.S. drones to assassinate President Presidential election.

By senior Humor Times domestic drone strikes Obama. While Fox commentator Bill O’Reilly called this a “savvy move,” MSNBC political ana- correspondent, Matt Nagin.

Sinead O’Connor Shreds Picture of Pope Benedict XVI, Everyone Cheers Sinead O’Connor has been vindicated. The news of Pope Benedict XVI stepping down as head of the Vatican left a world stunned, but according to reports, Sinead O’Connor didn’t miss a beat.

At a recent concert, she appeared on stage with an 8 x 10 glossy of Pope Benedict, and before uttering a word, silently ripped the photo to shreds. This time the crowd roared.

No longer was the popular Irish singer a villain in the eyes of fellow Catholics, but a heroine for having the courage to stand up for a cause that remained under the covers of the Catholic four-poster bed for way too long.

After the cheers subsided, O’Connor simply said, “See? I told you so,” and left the stage.

As many will remember, it was during a live taping of Saturday Night Live in 1992, when O’Connor tore up a photograph of then-Pope John Paul II while calling him evil, immediately after singing Bob Marley’s song “War” and replacing the word “racism” with “child abuse.”

At this appearance, however, after coming back on stage and singing it, instead of jeers, she was met with thunderous applause and cheers.

Some attendees actually sang along.

She then left the stage a second time, fully vindicated.

By senior Humor Times all-things-Pope correspondent, P. Beckert.

Humor Times Subscription Special Attacked as ‘Overly Generous’ Top economists questioned the sanity of Humor Times newspaper executives during a business conference today, say ing the political humor monthly was being “overly generous” with their new Anniversary Gift Discount Special, good through April 30, 2013.

Reportedly, for every regular U.S. gift subscription purchased, the Humor Times discount increases by one dollar per gift, up to $4.00. “It is unwise – you just can't give increasing discounts and stay in business,” said Artemis Ledger, a respected economic consultant.

Mr. Ledger explained the discount this way: “Say a generous person – who realizes the prodigious value of political satire, such as that found in the Humor Times – gives four or more subscriptions, thus elevating the mood of four lucky people all year, making them incredibly thankful and forever indebted to the giver.

“Well, that big-hearted person would receive an amazing $4.00 off of each gift subscription!

They'd better hurry, the offer expires soon.”

With Chávez Gone, Venezuela’s Elite Promise Freedom at Last

Formerly Priceless Commodity, Love, Now Traded on NYSE

Venezuela’s most vulnerable citizens hope for return to ‘good old days’

The markets prove that money can buy you love, after all

A Humor Times exclusive report The prosperous families in Venezuela have been waiting for this for a long time. Finally, the tyrant is dead, and the people who really know about freedom can unleash it upon the waiting masses of long-suppressed rich folk.

“We’ve been so hamstrung by that four-time democratically elected dictator. His administration treated us like the serfs we used to own,” said Globovision TV network owner Guillermo Zuloaga.

“Clearly, he disrespected us, restricting our freedoms to use huge stashes of money and TV networks to overthrow him.”

Op po si tion forces against Hugo Chávez in Venezuela have long accused him of stealing from the rich to give to the poor.

For example, shortly after his first election in July of 2000, he nationalized the oil program, allowing foreign oil companies to have a mere 70% of the profits. “Down from a perfectly reasonable 85%,” said Zuloaga.

“Chávez had the temerity to use that money to help the masses of people that elected him,” said Gustavo Cisneros, owner of another opposition network, Venevisión. “Can you believe it? Bribing them with the wealth that me and my friends had worked so hard to concentrate into

In a stunning move, NYSE Chairman Marsh Cramer, host of the CNBC show Mad Money, Carter approved the addition of a new commod- worries that investors will become addicted to ity – love – onto the NYSE. Commodities like the positive vibes LUVV engenders. “It’s hard wheat, corn, soy beans and pork bellies have to dump LUVV,” he said on the show. long been pedaled through commodities marCritics, like hedge fund manager Roy Dalio, kets. But due to its ethereal nature, however, feel love is selove was formerly unable to be traded ri ously over val ued. by the bushel.

“You can easily live “We changed all that,” said Jamie without it,” he claimed.

Dimon, C.E.O. of J.P. Morgan Chase.

Interestingly, as if to “Every American deserves the right re in force his point, to buy the love he or she could not obDalio plans to have his tain during childhood.” staff spend an en tire Love – traded under the symbol month listening – on reLUVV – has instantaneously become peat – to Tina Turner’s a hot commodity – literally – particuclas sic, What’s Love larly with teenage girls who are buyGot To Do With It? ing large quantities of it and then LUVV commands top $$$ on NYSE. Perhaps the best asposting pictures of their brokerage statements pect of LUVV being on the market is that we onto Instagram. Some even leave comments un- have a better sense of what feelings are worth. A der the trending position like, “OMG! my boyfriend who wants to break up with his girlLUVV just keeps growing!” To which their friend, but is afraid of what it will do to her, now friends respond, “LMFAO. At this rate every can clearly assess the value of her broken heart day is Valentine’s!”

(497.24$ plus com missions and bro ker age Another group that has taken interest in fees).

LUVV of late are icons from the counter-culAnd polygamy has become more lucrative. tural revolution. “It’s not free LUVV,” the folk Noted polygamist Warren Jeffs, infamous for singer Joan Baez said, “but it’s the closest marrying twenty wives, reportedly stated, “toequivalent to flying a time machine back to day I became a very rich man.”

1969 I can find.”

By senior Humor Times love and money corAnalysts’ sentiment on LUVV is mixed. Jim respondent, Matt Nagin.

14

our hands, to use for our own bribes.”

“Imagine,” he added, “just giving people health care, housing and, worst of all, education! That would never happen in America. We had to work hard for these things, but all the poor did was diddle around on our plantations for sixteen hours a day.”

When Zuloaga and friends’ US-backed coup against the popularly-elected dictator failed in 2002, he could not understand it.

“How can the masses be fooled, when our private TV stations are constantly bombarding them with shows that demonize the tyrant? Do they really value their insignificant food, housing, medicine and education gains above our titillating news coverage?” he asked, umbrella-topped cocktail in hand, lounging by his Olympic-sized pool, pointing across the valley to a shantytown visible in the distance.

“Americans agree with us, especially those informed viewers of Fox, our sister network over there,” said Zuloaga, “despite his despicable attempts to win sympathy by helping poor people avoid freezing to death.”

“And even the holiest of Americans, Reverend Pat Robertson, who preaches the gospel of peace, called for him to be summarily executed, just like Jesus would have.”

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2013

Kill your TV. Read a Book.

Freedom Sodas NY’s rule against super-sized sodas caused consternation...

I wish i had a good poem to read! Wait! Isn't there a conveniently located poetry sale I read about??

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More info on the back cover, and at HumorTimes.com

April, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

15

It’s a Brand New Same Ol’ Party The Republican Party continues to seek answers...

and are ready to try anything.

They know what they want...

but not how to get there.

Paul Ryan keeps churning out more...

of the same.

Old habits die hard, it seems...

16

no matter how you try.

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2013

The Obamanator Obama’s economy has been good for some...

but not for everyone.

Fuel prices frustrate him...

but it’s not his fault, he says...

and it’s plain to see.

Meanwhile, he takes a break when he can.

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HUMOR TIMES

Jeanie Keltner

“Intelligent Talk” Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento 17

Supreme Arrogance

Piecemeal

Supreme Ct Justice Scalia says voting rights laws are passé.

The prez traveled to Israel...

determined to thaw things out...

We could see a return to literacy tests...

but savvy citizens already know the answers. but the situation seems intractable.

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HUMOR TIMES

April, 2013

Immigration

Riding High

The GOP is staking out its position...

The Dow Jones hit a record high...

in the immigration debate.

only a few short years after Wall St shredded the economy.

Jeb Bush even wrote a book on the subject...

Nothing much was done about that, of course...

and promptly changed his tune after it came out. except to help “too big� to get even bigger.

April, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

19

Miscellaneous Mischief

20

HUMOR TIMES

April, 2013

Help Us Celebrate the

Humor Times’ 22nd Anniversary!

Get Your Tickets NOW to see the great comedy troupe, The

CAPITOL STEPS, May 5th at the Clarion Inn! More info on the back cover, and at HumorTimes.com

April, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

21

Argus Sez Cyprus proposed seizing ten percent of the money in high-level Cyprus bank accounts to avoid bankruptcy. It’s an outrageous seizure of private property. The White House issued a statement immediately saying that President Obama is always looking for fresh new ideas.

Prince William told an interviewer he hopes the baby is a girl, however Kate Middleton wants a boy. When this future monarch is born the jubilation will be felt worldwide. One of the little lies that Protestants tell the world is that we don’t have a pope.

Arnold Palmer had dinner with swimsuit model Kate Upton after she signed to endorse his iced tea. He waited until Tiger Woods committed to Lindsay Vonn, and then he trumped him with the hottest-looking chick in America.

That’s why Arnie is the king.

Lindsay Lohan was given six weeks to find a three-month rehab by her Beverly Hills judge.

Until then she’s reportedly joining the TV show Anger Management. It’s nothing unusual in Los Angeles to spend time with Charlie Sheen just before you go to rehab.

The U.S. Senate tried to save the Senate barber shop from being eliminated in the new budget bill. Critics note the Senate barber shop lost three hundred and fifty thousand dollars last year. That makes it the most profitable agency in the U.S. government.

Lululemon women’s sportswear recalled their lycra-and-nylon women’s yoga pants because the fab ric ac ci den tally came out see-through. It was embarrassing. Their retail stores conduct women’s yoga classes, and they were starting to draw cash tips.

ARGUS HAMILTON

Golf Channel will test a tiny helicopter drone which hovers over a golfer and records everything. They’ll help PGA wives keep an eye on their husbands from home. There will be so many helicopters in the air in the country club bar it’ll look like the fall of Saigon.

When President Obama filled out his bracket card for the NCAA basketball tour nament, ESPN had to analyze his selections immediately. Whenever the president is picking winners and losers, investors have to scamper to sell before the market closes.

President Obama’s limo wouldn’t start at Ben Gurion Airport after they rolled it off the U.S. transport plane. It turns out the Israeli ground crew filled it up with the wrong type of fuel and it wouldn’t start. They filled the tank with water instead of wine.

manded to secure a loan.

This is great. The nice thing about Russia squaring off against Germany is that it puts ju nior var sity teams like Iran and North Korea in the proper context.

USA Today said Hollywood studios are releasing three movies this summer in which terrorists attack the White House. The attackers are North Koreans, domestic terrorists and a mole. It turns out the real reason they canceled the Easter Egg roll and White House tours is that they’ve rented the building to a movie company for ten thousand dollars a day.

President Obama said he’s waiting to see evidence of chemical weapons used in Syria. He said that Syria’s stockpile of weapons of mass destruction has him worried. We no sooner have Dick Cheney off the stage and the orchestra plays him back on.

The Los Angeles Marathon ended at Santa Monica Pier on Sunday with dogs barking at runners the last mile. The town al lows home less peo ple to own dogs. It’s great for the homeless peo ple but the dogs have got to be wondering if this walk is ever going to end.

The New York Post reported that two children of Civil War veterans are still alive and receiv ing ben efits. They’re ninety, and their fathers were in their eighties when they sired the children. They didn’t go see the movie Lincoln because once is enough.

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HUMOR TIMES

April, 2013

April, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

23

Exclusive Deal for Humor Times Readers Only! HALF PRICE Tickets while they last!

The venue has agreed to make tickets for us just $10 (regularly $20). To get the $10 tickets, visit: http://www.stevehofstetter.com/calendartemplate.cfm?Venue=1766 and use code HUMORTIMES

A Very Adult Comedy Show Steve Hofstetter is in town from LA to headline at Marilyn's On K on April 12th!

Hofstetter has over 11 million views on YouTube, is the original writer for CollegeHumor.com, and had the #1 comedy album in the world. The show will be VERY uncensored - so if that's your style of comedy, come hang!

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Friday, April 12th, 2013 7:00 PM & 9:00 PM Marilyn's On K 908 K St Sacramento, CA 95814

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ADVERTISE in in the Humor Times! Great rates. Call now to reserve space in the next issue, or on our popular website: 916-455-1217. Or email us at info@humortimes.com.

Issue #256

April, 2013

22nd Anniversary Issue Formerly the Comic Press News

(About half a subscripthat with tion!)

®

The imes T r o Hum nts prese

Join us in celebrating the

®

at the Clarion

22nd Anniversary!

Inn

1401 Arden Way, Sacramento (in the Martinique Ballroom)

Sunday, May 5th, 6:30pm (doors open 6:00pm) Tickets: $35 / $40 / available at: The Beat, 1700 J St, Sacramento and on our secure online order form, at www.omsoft.com/secure/humortimes/events/eventform.asp For more information or to order over the phone: 916-455-1217 • info@humortimes.com

Help Us Celebrate! Get Your Tickets NOW to see the great comedy troupe, THE CAPITOL STEPS, May 5th!

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