Humor Times, May 2013

“If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking … is freedom.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

Don’t Miss Out on All the Fun!

ADVERTISE

SUBSCRIBE!

in in the Humor Times! Great rates. Call now to reserve space in the next issue, or on our popular website: 916-455-1217. Or email us at info@humortimes.com.

Hard copy delivered to your mailbox • Online digital version also available

Issue #257

May, 2013

The News, in Cartoons!

Formerly the Comic Press News

(About half a subscripthat with tion!)

®

The imes T r o Hum nts prese

Join us in celebrating the

®

at the Clarion

22nd Anniversary!

Inn

1401 Arden Way, Sacramento (in the Martinique Ballroom)

Sunday, May 5th, 6:30pm (doors open 6:00pm) Tickets: $35 / $40 / available at: The Beat, 1700 J St, Sacramento and on our secure online order form, at www.omsoft.com/secure/humortimes/events/eventform.asp For more information or to order over the phone: 916-455-1217 • info@humortimes.com

Get Your Tickets NOW to see the great comedy troupe, THE CAPITOL STEPS, May 5th, in Sacramento!

Presented by the Humor Times. More info on the back cover and at HumorTimes.com.

®

E X T E N D E D !

Anniversary Special Progressively Discounted Gift Subscriptions!

Z Get $1 Off for One Subscription Z Get $2 Off Each for Two Subscriptions Z Get $3 Off Each for Three Subscriptions Z Get $4 Off Each for Four Subscriptions or More! (Reg. Price: $19.95/year/12 issues)

(U.S. regular or PDF subscriptions only. Offer expires May 31, 2013.)

2

Give the Gift of Laughter Today!

(To friends, relatives, co-workers – or just yourself!) Use the handy coupon on pg. 3 and write “Anniv. Special” on it. Or use a piece of paper, include the recipients’ names & addresses, a check or money order payable to the Humor Times and mail to:

Humor Times P. O. Box 162429 Sacramento, Ca 95816 HUMOR TIMES

Or order online at www.humortimes.com and use “AnnivHT” in the Discount blank!

May, 2013

Editor’s Letter The bombing of the Boston Marathon in April was a terrible thing, and a reminder that we are not immune from terrorism in the U.S. However, it is not very comforting to know that the FBI has actually facilitated “sleeper cell” activity domestically in recent years, in the name of fighting terrorism. The idea is to bring along suspicious people, to see if they’ll actually attempt to carry out a terrorist act, and if so, to arrest them. It’s a very dangerous game, and it’s not hard to imagine something going terribly wrong.

Unfortunately, by their own actions, the FBI has made themselves untrustworthy, and we can only pray that this recent tragedy was not a result of their playing with fire.

Humor Times Readers Only!

Up to

40%

From the April 28, 2012 issue of the New York Times: The United States has been narrowly saved from lethal terrorist plots in recent years – or so it has seemed. A would-be suicide bomber was intercepted on his way to the Capitol; a scheme to bomb synagogues and shoot Stinger missiles at military aircraft was developed by men in Newburgh, N.Y.; and a fanciful idea to fly explosive-laden model planes into the Pentagon and the Capitol was hatched in Massachusetts.

But all these dramas were facilitated by the FBI, whose undercover agents and informers posed as terrorists offering a dummy missile, fake C-4 explosives, a disarmed suicide vest and rudimentary training. Suspects naVvely played their parts until they were arrested...

This is legal, but is it legitimate? Without the FBI, would the culprits commit violence on their own? Is cultivating potential terrorists the best use of the manpower designed to find the real ones? Judging by their official answers, the FBI and the Justice Department are sure of themselves – too sure, perhaps.

Off!

(Rates valid until 5/20/13)

Surf

to our website for special discounts!

Call or visit our store: raftwet-store.com 1.888.723.8938

E R R I V

Like us! facebook.com/wetrivertrips Follow us! twitter.com/raftwet Visit! raftwet.com

Even if the FBI was not involved in this latest episode (and the mother of the two accused young men claims they were in contact with them for years), this kind of “police work” has no place in a democracy. It must cease, or the questions will only persist, and trust in our investigative agencies will only erode further.

– James Israel, Publisher/editor P.S. Don’t miss the Humor Times’ presentation of the hilarious national-touring musical/ political comedy troupe, The Capitol Steps! It’s a celebration of our 22nd Anniversary, and you are all invited! It will be Sunday, May 5th, 6:30pm, in the Martinique Ballroom at the Clarion Inn, 1401 Arden Way, next to the Arden Mall.

Yes, it’s on Cinco de Mayo, but, hey, you can party during the day, and cap off your celebrations with the show that night!

This is the best political comedy troupe in the country – don’t miss it! Get your tickets soon!

See you there. (More info at humortimes.com or by calling 916-455-1217.)

P S T R I

Treat Your Mother Like a Goddess!

Take Her Out For Some Heavenly Flavors of

Vic’s Ice Cream and Ice Cream Cakes & Pies!

Vic’s ice Cream is a delicious homemade treat anytime! Enjoy any of dozens of fabulous flavors! And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches!

Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years. Family owned & operated.

3199 Riverside Blvd.

448-0892

Also Available at: The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 22, Issue 257, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603.

Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217.

Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, P. Beckert, Nate Beeler, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, Ben Krull, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2013. No part may be reproduced without permission.

BURR'S FOUNTAIN

WILLIE’S

4920 Folsom Blvd.

Sacramento

5050 Arden Way Fair Oaks

The CAPITOL STEPS, the hilarious musical/political comedy troupe, is coming to Sacramento, Sunday, May 5th, 6:30pm, at the Clarion Inn!

$1 • SAVE A BUCK by entering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $1 ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!!

More info on the back cover, and at HumorTimes.com

OMNETWORKS

Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ If a gift, your name: ________________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $19.95 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $48.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $37.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $64.95 Trial Sub (3 issues). . . . . $5.95 12 issues/PDF download . . . . $9.95 Please Check if RENEWAL. Subscriber # (on label, starts w/‘S’): ___________ Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________

WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3

Technical Support

Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a

Or use your: p Discover

p Visa

p Mastercard

A Complete Internet Solution

p American Express

Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)

Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________

WWW.OMSOFT.COM 530-758-0119

(Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-455-1217.)

May, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

3

Out of Balance Local economies are hurting...

but it’s all connected globally.

The prez continues to negotiate with Republicans...

and he says a deal is tantalizingly close.

Obama is hesitant, however.

The Original Home Brew Outlet Finest Fermentation Equipment & Supplies in Sacramento Beer, Wine, Mead, Sake, Cider, Soda & Vinegars

Open 7 Days Classes & Gift Certificates Available (916)

348-6322

5528 Auburn Blvd (Auburn No. of Garfield) Mon-Sat 10-6 • Sun 10-3 www.ehomebrew.com

4

Meanwhile, don’t you worry about a thing.

Welcome to the

MOVING MOUNTAINS

Coffee Garden

The Geery Theatre, 2130 L St, Sacramento

3 Open Mic Thursdays – Music all year long 3 Check out our calendar at thecoffeegarden.com or on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter!

By Lawrence Roman

April 26 - May 19, 2013

3 2nd Sat Art Shows at both locations 3 Yoga Classes at CG Gallery

and Coffee Garden Gallery Hours: 6am-11pm Mon-Sat • Sunday 7am-10pm • 916 457 5507 2904 Franklin Blvd • Gallery: 2900 Franklin Blvd • Sacramento

HUMOR TIMES

“There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.”

– John Mortimer

TICKETS ON SALE NOW AT: www.emhpros.weebly.com

May, 2013

Oil Bath

Mini Me

Oil companies were very sorry... for the bad P.R. that is...

Kim Jung Un is planning our demise...

and ratcheting up the rhetoric. the honey bee decline problem points to Big Ag...

and the climate continues to destabilize.

He says he’s up to the task...

But “trust us,” they say, “we’re working on it.” but we’re ready for him.

May, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

5

A Few Choice Words Yellow-Bellied Cowards And now for a few choice words about the recent Senate vote that scuttled universal background checks on gun purchases. And the first three of those words are… Yellow-Bellied Cow ards. Here’s a cou ple more. Gut less, Cra ven, Chicken-Hearted In ver te brates. Das tardly, Lily-Liv ered, Spineless Jellyfish with the moral compunction of inbred Piranhas crowded into a too-small tank filled with liquid meth.

That giant, arrogant pimp known as the NRA should be laughing hysterically after its lackeys trashed the ephemeral spirit of compromise that had settled over Washington like a soft dawn mist. Ninety percent of Republicans voted against an issue 90 percent of the American people support. A bipartisan bill that was so watered down it was translucent. Leaked moisture all through the Senate chamber to a depth of a half-inch.

Would have easily supported two schools of guppies.

The Senators that deigned to speak before scurrying down their greasy little wormholes to bunk in the nether regions of hell whined that pro-gun forces punish politicians for votes, while pro-gun control forces don’t. Nobody mentioned the right thing to do or keeping automatic weapons out of the hands of felons or making the country or our schools safer. You know, their job.

The NRA, itself worried about being primaried from the right by other gun associations, encouraged its well-compensated hookers to compete among themselves to see who could

lie most outrageously. Numerous Senators claimed the bill would lead to a national gun registry even though the very bill they spoke of included provisions to specifically prohibit such a thing. Perhaps it needs to be spelled out in simpler language like: “Gun Registry — Bad. Not Good. No-Go. Not Going to Happen.”

Besides, exactly what is wrong with a national gun registry?

You have to register a car. Most cities mandate bicycles be licensed. You need a card to take a book out of a library for crum’s sakes. Proving that some people are much more comfortable with guns than they are books. Which is part of the problem.

In what was surely meant as an inside joke, Oklahoma Sen. Tom Coburn complained the bill would raise taxes. Why stop there? And child pornographers will camp in your back yard practicing Sharia law with uncircumcised goats riddled with Chinese bird flu.

This time the NRA may have over-reached. Perpetrated an outrage too far. A revulsion too great. Could very well have created its own Frankenstein monster. 90 percent is a big figure.

You’d think even the most casual of voters might tend to remember when someone turns their back on the country, jumps up and down on a litter of newborn puppies, then parties. And it would only take a committed few to throw their allegiance to candidates who pledge loyalty to the nation rather than a lobby

WILL DURST

that focuses on weapons of mass destruction.

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal wasn’t kidding. The GOP’s path is clear. It is doomed to be the rich, white guy, anti-science, pro-gun, stupid party. Des tined to slowly stran gle on its own gur gling incoherencies until it is no longer comprehensible or relevant. Couldn’t happen soon enough to a nicer bunch of rich white guys. And their grinning, gun-toting, treacherous minions.

Supreme Court: Equal is as Equal Does The nation held its collective breath and turned not just blue but a veritable rainbow of colors as the Supreme Court spent a goodly part of two days hearing oral arguments on gay marriage. Well, at least they were in the same room as arguments about gay marriage were oralled.

In a position to eavesdrop on a series of gay marriage arguments, if they were of a mind to.

You can never really pin down which of the nine Phat Ebony Robes is hearing what. Court watchers long have presumed Justice Scalia underwent a powdered-wig strict constructionist-filter installation years back that insures nothing post-18th century funnels through to his cognitive cells. And if Antonin can’t hear it, as far as Clarence Thomas is concerned, it doesn’t exist. The others hear what they want to hear.

Proving they do indeed represent America.

The Supremes will weigh in on the Defense of Marriage Act and the legality of California’s Proposition 8 sometime in June. Until then, the suspense is killing us — thrillingly. Although the fact they’re using “opposite-sex marriage” to describe heterosexuality should already be counted as a victory. And like everything else that comes before the Supreme Court, final disposition probably depends on which side of the bed Justice Kennedy wakes up.

Don’t tell the Berobed Ones (mustn’t allow deeper insecurity complexes to develop), but it doesn’t really matter how they rule, because gay marriage is on the fast track to be permanently woven into the fabric of our national diversity quilt. The handwriting is on the wall. And the penmanship is stunning.

Across the country, same-sex marriage polls have risen faster than property taxes in a tulip bubble. Pollster Nate Silver of The New York Times, the nation’s soothsayer, expects national support to increase 1.5 percentage points each year. And let us lay thanks at the remote of the one-eyed HD beast, television.

Familiarity breeds tolerance. Gay celebs such as Ellen DeGeneres and Anderson Cooper have encouraged kids of today to live their lives openly. Allowing middle America enough interactive glances to realize the gay community doesn’t devote most of its waking hours attempting to engorge the Armies of Sodom brandishing pitchforks and sporting horns. Like we were told. Over and over.

When you say “gay people,” the emphasis is on the people and the only real difference between gay and straight is which way your head faces during sex. That’s it. And an uncanny ability to assemble amazing appetizer trays. Grilled asparagus wrapped in goat cheese and prosciutto? Yes! Fist bump. Blow it up. Now talk about it.

And forget the malevolent clowns of the Westboro Baptist Church, who make God laugh so hard he spits milk through his nose. Casual bigotry is dying off. Literally. Old people and their parents with a life radius of 30 miles. Oh sure, there will always be prejudice, stupidity and fear but society is rapidly realizing that “gay” is just another adjective; like blonde or buff or stinky.

Whether its generational shifts, enlightened minds or disco going mainstream, the tide of tolerance is proving inexorable. Only a matter of time before gay marriage is universally accepted, and then it will seem perfectly routine until eventually it becomes mandatory. Dibs on Clooney!

Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400

SOAPBOX! with

Jeanie Keltner

2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care.

Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment.

Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.

“Intelligent Talk”

Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.

Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento 6

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2013

Tragedy in Boston The terrible bombing in Boston was a wake-up call...

24 hour news channels competed to be first...

but they weren’t helping.

As the nation looked on in shock...

we saw that we have heroes and cowards amongst us.

How do we deal with this?

May, 2013

and raises many questions.

And where will it end?

HUMOR TIMES

7

The Hightower Lowdown Saving Our Ravaged Planet … and Ourselves The 43rd year of Earth Day, a national focus on the state of our globe, has come and gone. So, how is Earth doing? Should we be weeping … or cheering?

Both.

The first step to any recovery is recognition of the obvious: Earth has a problem. In fact, beaucoup of them. For example, despite the squawking of profiteering polluters and professional deniers, our very atmosphere — without which everyone and everything is dead — is rapidly being degenerated by our own addiction to fossil fuel, literally altering Earth’s climate in di sas trous ways. Yet, as we burn, energy corporations blithely fiddle.

They’re fiddling with tar sands oil in Alberta, Canada, uncaring about the vast amounts of ozone-destroying carbon that will be released by ripping open Northern Alberta’s boreal forest to get at the junk oil, or about the extra carbon-dioxide contamination that will come from processing this especially toxic sludge at Big Oil’s Gulf Coast refineries.

Also, they’re fiddling with the Earth itself, by fracking deep underground shale to bring gas and oil — plus more ozone-depleting methane — to the surface. And they’re still fiddling with

the priceless ecology of America’s ancient Appalachian Mountains and streams by exploding off the mountaintops — merely to make it easier and cheaper for Big Coal to ex tract the ozone-killing carbon.

There are plenty of horrors to make you weep this Earth Day. But tears don’t bring change.

That comes only from the determined effort of or di nary grass roots peo ple to or ga nize, strategize and mobilize. The good news for our Earth and our own existence is that such people are on the move in every part of America.

They’re confronting the greedheads and boneheads, creating effective energy alternatives, forging fresh and sensible polices, lifting heads out of the sand — and producing the change we must have.

The courageous and tenacious mountaineers of Appalachia, for example, are at last beginning to score big victories in their long, hard fight against the coal giants, including winning an agreement last November from one, Patriot Coal, to cease all mountaintop-removal coal mining.

Also, from Ver mont to Cal i for nia, the frackers are getting fracked, as local groups are winning fights in city halls, legislatures and courts to stop the rampant exploitation of their land, water and communities. And, all across the

country, including in the reddest of red states, grassroots advocates are producing a sensible shift from fossil-fuel dependency to renewable fuels and conservation.

That’s what Earth Day is about, so don’t weep — cheer the progress we’ve made, and join the movement for more.

In fact, some communities are going so far as to imagine achieving “net zero.” That’s the wonky name attached to an elegant idea, namely a conversion to total renewable energy, complete recycling and a culture of conservation to bring humankind’s carbon footprint into a sustainable balance with a healthy earth.

Now, imagine the least likely place you’d expect this net zero ideal to take root — and even flourish. How about oil-saturated Texas? Yes! On an Army base, no less. Astonishingly, America’s sustainable energy future is being pioneered in El Paso on a sprawling military base named Fort Bliss, home to 35,000 soldiers.

The post already has a 1.4 megawatt solar array and rooftop solar panels on all base housing (generating 13.4 megawatts of energy), and it’s in partnership with El Paso Electric to complete a 200-acre, 20-megawatt solar farm by 2015.

It also has a plan with the city of El Paso to convert the post’s waste into energy, and it’s engaged in wind, geothermal and conservation

JIM HIGHTOWER projects. Adding to the effort, base officials are encouraging the use of energy-efficient vehicles — and even building bicycle lanes throughout the base.

The Army! Who knew they cared?

Practically everyone on the base is committed to achieving the goal of net zero by 2018, meaning the base will generate all of the energy it uses — and do it with renewables. The troops have planted nearly 15,000 trees and have become converts to recycling. To encourage the latter, the base commander, Maj. Gen. Dana Pittard, has put the million-dollar-a-year recycling revenue that Fort Bliss earns into skating parks, ex er cise fa cil i ties and other morale-boosting recreation projects.

“Everybody is getting involved,” he says, noting that the effort is changing behavior and fostering a conservation culture, which he hopes “our soldiers will take with them when they go on.”

There’s hope for the Earth when even the Army begins to care, take action and change attitudes. In this case, let’s all “join the Army.”

Mother’s Day / Memorial Day

8

Memorial Day is coming...

and it’s going to be busy.

And Mother’s Day is around the corner...

so don’t forget to call your mom.

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2013

Greenbacks Don’t Kill Legislation, People Do but Senators said something was missing.

A watered-down gun bill very nearly got voted on...

The reasons to filibuster outweighed the reasons to vote, they said – and it was a valuable lesson in how gov’t works...

and in the art of persuasion.

Besides, the NRA has worked out a solution...

but all their arm-twisting might just backfire on them...

May, 2013

and in Connecticut, it could be the beginning of the end.

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Jack Nicholson Mistaken for Regular Crazy Old Curmudgeon Wasn’t even playing his usual standard role at the time NEPTUNE CITY, NJ – Silver screen legend Jack Nicholson, best known for his performances in movies such as The Shining, Batman, and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, was visiting his hometown in New Jersey when he got into a “misunderstanding” with a normal person named Hank (who reportedly makes 4,000 dollars a month and drives a Prius) at the intersection of Main St. and 6th.

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

In Face of Tragedy, Satire Takes Day Off, North Korea Newsfeed Fills in Nicely Kim Jong-Un good at satire, doesn’t even know what it means In light of recent events in Boston and West, INTO YOUR MOUTH AND BACK INTO YOUR TX, Satire has decided to take a break. Luckily, EARS!! WE WILL – (cough, cough). Aside: Can there are peo ple in this somebody get me some water? world that can step in at a Thanks. WE WILL…” moment’s notice and fill her 10:30 pm: A VHS video of a shoes quite nicely.

North Ko rean sol dier sinThe North Korean govgle -ha nde dl y cap tur i ng ernment, a faithful part of 1,000,000 Americans is posted the substitute pool for many by mail. Ask Steve for a copy. years, was called in at the 11:12 pm: A new North Kolast minute to take over Satrean first-person shooter game ire’s duties while she was called Amer ica Sucks (very out on leave. much resembling a pirated verAnd, after a full and fession of Call of Duty) is released North Korean standing guard. tive day of blustering, blathon Amazon. All shooters have ering, and threatening (which they titled “Two Kim Jong-Un’s face and head photoshopped over Million Wild and Crazy Threats” in tribute to the original. It looks really good.

SNL), they rounded the show off in classic 11:57 pm: A flannel board story depicting Kim DPRK style.

Jong Un flying on a unicorn that shoots death-rays 9:00 pm: “WE WILL DEATOMIZE YOU out of its horn–completely annihilating his foes–is AND THEN REASSEMBLE YOU AND offered to schools and Sunday schools around the DEATOMIZE YOU AGAIN!! WE WILL world.

PULL ALL THE HAIRS OUT OF YOUR After all was said and done, North Korea did not HEAD AND THEN PUT THEM BACK IN!! disappoint–reminding the world once again of the THE WRONG WAY!! HAHAHA!! WE WILL great debt Satire owes to places like the DPRK, and MAKE YOU LIST EN TO OUR OWN to little and big tyrants everywhere.

VERSION OF MIL ITARY CHOIR

By Humor Times Senior Unintended Satire CorGANGNAM STYLE OVER AND OVER respondent, Jeff Boldt.

AND OVER UNTIL YOUR EARS BLEED

Jack Nicholson, surprised by Hank.

Ac cord ing to eye-wit nesses, the “misunderstanding” arose when Hank had the audacity to put on his blinker and slow to make a right turn just before Mr. Nicholson, who was driving behind him, attempted to make that same turn first. And then, to add insult to injury, Hank shamelessly screamed back at Jack Nicholson, mistaking him for an ordinary irate nutjob, as he jumped onto the hood of Hank’s car and began to smash it with a 5-iron.

A few minutes later, a local gave Hank the surprise of his mediocre life when he yelled, “Hey Hank! Isn’t that mean old coot really Jack Nicholson – the movie star?!”

After realizing that the man wielding the golf club was in fact Mr. Jack Nicholson and that he had lost windows and teeth at the hands of an A-lister, he quickly spurted excessive thanks to the artistic icon both for the newly added character to his car as well as the cheap den tal work on teeth that would’ve needed pulling 30 years from now anyway.

Following the incident, Mr. Nicholson kindly offered Hank a few choice expressions, and was then thoughtful enough to leave him in the capable hands of the Neptune City PD.

By Humor Times Senior Curmudgeon Correspondent, Jeff Boldt.

North Korea Retrofits Tanks to Accommodate Tiny Leader May answer riddle as to Kim Jong-Un’s whereabouts North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un has been absent from the news for going on two weeks now, and rumors about his absence range

an embarrassing moment, when the tank the two compadres were riding in crashed into a squid stand, sending seafood flying into the marketplace.

While Rodman assured his BFF that size never really mattered, the accident left an emotional scar, not to mention the embarrassing walk back to Un’s Kia to drive back to the royal palace for a dinner of shrimp and wieners. No one Tiny Leader next to prototype of mini-tank and regular size one. had the guts to discuss the disastrous from the fact that he got a bad haircut and is wait- one-on-one basketball game between Un and ing for it to grow back properly, ala Elvis style, to Rodman before the tank incident either. Seems Un being heartbroken over the fact that he won’t al- is only able to get the ball anywhere near the net low Toyota to export their latest models to his by throwing it from between his legs like a country, thereby leaving him to continue driving 10-year old girl. an inferior 1997 Kia Rio to all major events.

Thank God Rodman has been smart enough Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un is said to be out during the few games they’ve played to keep this shopping for Jeeps on the black market. tidbit to himself and compliment Un on his unique However, the truth was finally leaked this shooting skills. weekend, when word got out that North Korea’s With regards to the specially-fitted military official defense contractor has been personally fit- weaponry, Reporters say they are looking forward ting Jong-Un for his own personal line of defense to the unveiling, and Kim’s ability to operate the weapons, from assault rifles to assault tanks to tank in a safer manner at an upcoming military paJames Bond-type personal jet packs. rade where Rodman is expected to show up in full The issue of Kim Jong-Un’s size came up dur- Korean military dress to honor the quirky, yet ing Dennis Rodman’s visit to North Korea. Upon scariest little dictator to come along in a very long showing off for the former basketball great, it was time. discovered that Un could not reach the peddles on

By Humor Times Senior Crazy Foreign Leader the tank or see over the steering wheel, resulting in Correspondent, P. Beckert.

In a stunning announcement following the annual spring RNC conference, Reince Priebus released a press statement saying that he has submitted his r e s i g n ation to the RNC, ef- Reince Priebus: GOP “this dumb.” fective immediately.

Priebus told reporters that “The votes that have been held during this weeks conference have left me little choice other than to leave.

While there are many who still believe this party has a future, there are many that do not. Probably the last straw was the vote on the national cookie. We spend more time looking for issues that don’t matter than deciding ones that do.”

“We haven’t been right since Lincoln was president, why would anyone want to follow us now? I have seen more tolerance at a KKK rally than what I have experienced just this week.”

This sudden loss of leadership has not had any significant impact on the committee members. Several seemed pleased that the “little jack off” had finally seen the writing on the wall.

Committee member Janice Glenmeyer said, “All we heard out of Reince Priebus was that we should adopt policies that were popular with the voters. He just doesn’t understand we aren’t doing things that are popular, we’re here to make sure this party continues to follow what are preachers have told us.”

The power vac uum also ap pears to be quickly filling as several big-name conservatives have already offered their services as head master. The odds on favorite at this time appears to be failed former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum. His continued rejection of anything logical or scientific has made him an all-star with the voting members who will eventually choose their next leader.

Reported by Humor Times Senior Political Suicide Correspondent, Mike Kelly.

Despite Warnings from Economists, Humor Times Extends Subscription Special Top economists continued to question the sanity of Humor Times executives today, saying the political humor monthly was being “overly generous” with their Anniversary Gift Discount Special, now extended to May 31, 2013.

“It is unwise – you just can't give such great discounts and stay in business,” said Artemis Ledger, a respected economic consultant.

“We warned them once, a month ago. And now they are dumb enough to extend this incredible offer! All I can say is, they must really love their customers – to an unhealthy degree,” said Mr. Ledger. (More info in ad on page 2.)

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg Bans Politeness

Math Nerd Makes “Less Than” Symbol Her Facebook Profile Pic at Most Inopportune Time

“Like my soda ban, this is for their own good.” – Bloomberg

Polly Gonn, MIT class of 2012, recently they began their proceedings, the Human updated her Facebook profile picture to one Rights Campaign posted the equal sign on of her favorite mathematics symbols: less their website and encouraged everyone with a than.

Facebook page to do the same.

In doing so, she unwittingly It quickly caught on. And unleashed a firestorm of heated al though mil lions did n’t do comments, opinions, and quesanything, 2.7 million people tions the likes of which has not changed their profiles in one been seen since Rebecca day. The numbers have shown Black’s “Friday” was posted that young people below age 30 on YouTube. are gener ally the ones who “I hon estly had no idea have changed their profile pic, what I had done,” Polly admitwhereas 35 and above tend to ted to reporters. “I wasn’t trylean towards a more traditional Facebook profile pic not ing to make a statement, I view of marriage. well received. finally solved a formula that And Facebook, better for I’d been working on for a month and so I de- some and worse for others, has become excided to post something to celebrate.” tremely political as of late, and Ms. Polly Apparently, Ms. Gonn had been cooped up feels unequal to the task, so to speak. in her apartment and has not gone online for “I understand why people are putting up quite some time. So she was unaware that the equal sign,” Ms. Gonn continued. “I just over the last few weeks, the Supreme Court don’t see why they gotta hate on poor Mr. Alhas been analyzing and hearing arguments ligator so much.” from two cases regarding same-sex marriage.

By Humor Times Senior Math Nerd CorreShe was also unaware of the fact that, after spondent, Jeff Boldt.

Humor Times presents The Capitol Steps, May 5th. More info: humortimes.com.

12

Reince Priebus to Resign RNC Position After Regressive Votes

Propelled by the success of his recent soda ban, Mayor Bloomberg banned politeness today in all five New York City boroughs. “What makes this city so great are it’s inconsiderate residents,” Mr. Bloomberg said in a statement at City Hall. He then whispered to an assistant, “Hurry up with my lousy Fiji Water.”

Bloomberg went on to insist that in the event a New Yorker made a thoughtful gesture, he’d have no choice but to “give the perpetrator the electric chair.” Dr. Sanjay Gupta, CNN’s Chief Medical Correspondent, who also spoke at the press conference, said he supports the ban, since double-blind medical studies prove insolence boosts public health. “Curse at a bag lady,” he said. “Skip the line at the bakery. Shock a cop with his own stun gun. It all decreases the likelihood of a heart attack.”

Many New Yorkers protested the news in Union Square today, carrying signs that read “pardon me” and “much obliged.” Others went so far as to hurry to get every last bit of politeness out of their systems. A meth addict helped a grandma cross the street. A street vendor offered reasonably priced patchouli oil. A cab driver obeyed the speed limit.

To many residents it seemed like pandemonium.

Meanwhile, outside the city, very few Americans seemed impressed by all the hoopla. Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh reportedly

HUMOR TIMES

stated, “politeness is banned in NYC. Wa i t … t h a t ’s news?”

Still other residents made preparations in case politeness makes a comeback. Will Jinx, a col lect ibles Mayor Bloomberg: Banning politeness for all New Yorkers. dealer, ad mitted to stock ing up on thank-y ou notes, get-well-soon cards, and gifts that frequently appear on wedding registries. “A year from now I’ll resell all this junk on EBAY,” he said. “And if customers want a refund…sorry suckers!” He further suggested he hoped to screw customers in a way that would make Bloomberg proud.

Finally, one New Yorker got a head start on the ban. Andrew Dice Clay had this to say to an aspiring swimsuit model, “Hey sweet-tits…wanna play with my tutti-frutti?” She continued to walk away, clearly offended. “What?” Dice went on. “I gotta be rude. Bloomberg says it’s the goddamn law!”

By Humor Times Senior Politeness Correspondent, Matt Nagin.

May, 2013

GOP Shuffle Republicans said goodbye to Todd Akin...

and hello to an old backpacking friend.

Bachmann is nothing if not persistent...

but it’s getting harder.

The Tea Party continues to assimilate...

but Republicans are keeping the faith.

WEBSITES Done well, quickly, cost-effectively!

Need a website for your business, band, blog or for personal use, but don’t have the time or inclination create on from scratch? Or have one, but the time spent maintaining it is taking away from other responsibilities? We’ll do it for you, at a fair, very affordable price. You may be surprised how inexpensively we can design a simple, yet quality website for you. We can work with you no matter where you live. You can trust the competent folks here at the Humor Times!

Humor Times Website Production info@humortimes.com • 916-455-1217 PO Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 May, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

The CAPITOL STEPS, the best political comedy troupe in the country is coming to Sacramento,

May 5th at the Clarion Inn, Arden Way,

for the Humor Times’ 22nd Anniversary!

Get Your Tickets NOW!!!

More info on the back cover, and at HumorTimes.com.

13

The Prez

14

Iron Lady

The sequester is driving Obama nuts...

Former British Prime Minister Thatcher passed away...

but he continues to try to work with Republicans.

leaving big shoes to fill.

He released his new budget...

Some say she was a great leader...

but he’s taking a bath on it.

while others are glad she’s gone.

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2013

Walkout Closet When things are changing...

no one wants to be left behind.

Some say it’s for the better...

while others are stuck in the dark ages.

Supreme Court Justice Scalia says it’s not time...

when there are other priorities.

He says it’s just not right...

May, 2013

but there’s no going back.

HUMOR TIMES

15

Miscellaneous Mischief

16

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2013

Help Us Celebrate the Humor Times’ 22nd Anniversary! Get Your Tickets NOW to see the hilarious comedy troupe,

The CAPITOL STEPS, Sunday, May 5th, 6:30pm,

at the Clarion Inn, Sacramento!

More info on the back cover, and at HumorTimes.com

Rosicrucian.org • Study wisdom from scholars and mystics throughout history; ancient to present.

• Work on improving yourself to follow your own “master within.”

• Learn methods of breathing and visualization which can change your life.

• Use ancient, simple techniques to aid in healing yourself and others.

• Sign up and receive study booklets by e-mail or mail.

• Study the information. Decide what you believe and what works for you.

• Improve your inner self. Expand your abilities.

• Pursue the religion and lifestyle of your choice.

The Rosicrucian Order is a worldwide fraternal organization of men and women dedicated to studying the teaching of great mystical minds from all time periods and cultures. We do not promote any single religion, or dogma or philosophy. Each student will decide the value of what is offered. Those of us who have been studying know how profoundly interesting and helpful the information has been.

May, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

17

Argus Sez Carnival reimbursed the U.S. for rescuing two liners stranded at sea with overflowing sewage early this year. In their new ad campaign, Carnival promises to treat you like a king or queen.

That’s because no one will board the ship until they see the chamber pots.

Oklahoma City residents were shocked recently, when they felt two earthquakes hit the city measuring nearly five points on the Richter scale.

It’s a sign of the times. The California economy is so terrible that even the earthquakes are moving back to Oklahoma.

President Obama hailed Alabama’s Crimson Tide as college football champs. It followed official observances for Passover, Easter, Ramadan and Persian new year. He hopes everyone will get off his back now that he’s honored every major religion in America.

Harvard Law School in Cambridge announced that its spring courses include a discussion class called Understanding Obama. The class meets once a week. Not to be outdone, Barnum and Bailey’s Clown College in Sarasota offers a course called Understanding Biden.

Senator Roger Wicker was mailed poison ricin powder in Washington. This always prompts swift action. If people in Los Angeles receive any mysterious white powder in the mail we’re instructed to inject it immediately into a wrinkle to see if it helps.

The Pentagon canceled its new U.S. medal for drone operators. The VFW was furious that it ranked higher than the Purple Heart. When you see the drone operators working in the house trailer in Nevada you realize they shouldn’t get anything more than a free game.

Sen a tor Marco Rubio pro posed al low ing illegals to stay in the U.S. if they have a clean record, pay a hefty en trance fee and have a good-paying job. Somehow you knew the GOP immigration bill would have the same rules for entry as the Los Angeles Country Club.

ARGUS HAMILTON President Obama sent no one to represent the White House at Lady Thatcher’s state funeral. It’s spiteful. Ever since Prince Harry was photographed machine-gunning the Taliban from his helicopter and partying naked in Las Vegas with beautiful chicks, Obama has suspected deepdown that he’s no longer the people’s darling.

John Boehner sent a GOP congressional delegation to Lady Thatcher’s funeral. It was a nostalgic day for Tory imperialism, The U.S. House Members were joined by James Baker and Dick Cheney, known throughout the Mideast as the Left Jab and the Right Hook.

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder appointed a search com mit tee to fi nd a bank ruptcy turn-around specialist who can help reverse Detroit’s financial catastrophe. It won’t be easy.

Detroiters are so combative it’s the only city in America that has a North Koreatown.

Dennis Rodman said that Kim Jung Un has invited him back to North Korea on the first of August. How cocky. Considering the way Kim Jung Un likes to threaten war and Dennis Rodman likes to party, the first of August isn’t guaranteed to either of them.

North Korea’s Kim Jung Un warned that he will attack without warning if the insults don’t stop. He’s furious. Kim Jung Un was told through back channels to play with himself for one week because the U.S. is dealing with something important right now.

Jackie Robinson’s biopic is a hit that spotlights Branch Rickey and Jackie Robinson’s efforts to integrate baseball. The movie makes a point that both men were devout Methodists. That means they could have accomplished something important on the golf course if they hadn’t thrown their lives away on frivolous pursuits like social justice.

Parting Shot A damning report on torture came out...

yet the former V.P. felt vindicated by other events.

G.W. says it’s all good...

18

but Cheney is never satisfied.

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2013

“The best time you can have with your clothes on…But it’s just as funny nude.” – comedian Will Durst

Don’t Be Selfish!

Share the Fun with Friends &Relatives!

S e e s u b s c r i p t i o n f o r m o n p a g e 3 ! • w w w. h u m o r t i m e s . c o m

We’ve Got Your “Unique Gift Idea” Right Here! Humor Times Subscriptions Will Keep ’em Laughing ALL YEAR!

Use the form on page 3. A Gift Certificate will be sent in your name if you wish. Or order online at HumorTimes.com and get a buck off!

“If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking … is freedom.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

Don’t Miss Out on All the Fun!

ADVERTISE

SUBSCRIBE!

in in the Humor Times! Great rates. Call now to reserve space in the next issue, or on our popular website: 916-455-1217. Or email us at info@humortimes.com.

Hard copy delivered to your mailbox • Online digital version also available

Issue #257

May, 2013

The News, in Cartoons!

Formerly the Comic Press News

(About half a subscripthat with tion!)

®

The imes T r o Hum nts prese

Join us in celebrating the

®

at the Clarion

22nd Anniversary!

Inn

1401 Arden Way, Sacramento (in the Martinique Ballroom)

Sunday, May 5th, 6:30pm (doors open 6:00pm) Tickets: $35 / $40 / available at: The Beat, 1700 J St, Sacramento and on our secure online order form, at www.omsoft.com/secure/humortimes/events/eventform.asp For more information or to order over the phone: 916-455-1217 • info@humortimes.com

Get Your Tickets NOW to see the great comedy troupe, THE CAPITOL STEPS, May 5th, in Sacramento!

Presented by the Humor Times. More info on the back cover and at HumorTimes.com.