Humor Times, June, 2013

“The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions.” – Leonardo da Vinci

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June, 2013

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June, 2013

Editor’s Letter The Humor Times celebrated its 22nd anniversary on May 5th with the Capitol Steps musical/political comedy troupe at the Clarion on Arden Way in Sacramento.

It was an honor to present the erstwhile gang, they’ve been performing political comedy sketches since 1981, a decade before our first issue. We want to thank Sacramento for the big turnout.

Everyone had fun!

They are a very professional troupe, keeping the laughs coming with a fastpaced performance featuring popular songs they’ve re-written to reflect the times. If you missed them this year, stay tuned, as we hope to present them again next year.

We’re also hoping to present the great political comedian, Will Durst, and The Washington, DC-based Capitol Steps, performing in Sacramento his new one-man show, for the Humor Times anniversary. This is from a skit on North Korea.

That’s the elder Kim Jong-il on the left, sitting on a wall, instructing his “BoomerAging: From LSD son, Kim Jong-un. It was a hilarious show! (Photo by Barry Wisdom) to OMG” this summer too.

It’s a bit of a multi-media show he’s got going, in that it includes an overhead projector.

Hey, Will is old school, this is a big departure from just doing the standup he’s always done! The show is getting rave reviews, and it would be great to have him in Sacramento again. Again, stay tuned to the Humor Times for more details!

Please help us to continue growing and spreading the laughs (and the political “truthiness” hidden within) by giving a subscription to someone you know that can use a diversion from the mind-numbing everyday reality of modern life. And maybe that “someone” is yourself, if you haven’t subscribed yet! Or, it could be a graduate – help him or her face the cold facts of life in the real world by helping them tune out for a bit each month! Or, it could be anyone, for any occasion – or no occasion at all.

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June, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

3

Scandalgate Republicans have been working full time...

and are close to a big breakthrough...

but the prez isn’t worried...

saying it’s just a lot of hot air.

The buzz on Capitol Hill continues to get louder...

and the Tea Party is crying foul.

They say it proves they were right all along...

4

and that appearances can be deceiving. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2013

Then came a revelation of press intimidation...

where it was revealed that the Attorney General...

was snooping on the press, possibly for the prez.

And that, indeed, is a slippery slope.

The GOP finally had something that might stick...

Meanwhile, Obama is still trying...

June, 2013

and a pall has been cast over the Obama White House.

to close Guantanamo, but says there is nothing he can do.

HUMOR TIMES

5

Benghazi Smoke Screen Up until about an hour ago, most Americans thought Benghazi was the guy who palled around with John Cassavetes back in the 60s, but now it’s obvious we’re talking about the foreign policy arm of a multi-ramped tar pit in which the president has found himself swimming up to his armpits. Yes, friends, it’s pity time at the White House.

After flogging the issue nonstop since September 11, the Fox News team’s persistence finally pushed the story of the Libyan Embassy riot that resulted in the death of four Americans over the cliff into the public consciousness. Space available only because both Survivor and Duck Dynasty are on hiatus.

The hue and cry from the right is demanding many questions be answered. Was the protest planned or spontaneous? Did the group that initiated the attack have any affiliation with Arab terrorists? Who altered the talking points; the CIA or the State Department? Where were the drones? Queens? Wasps? Chigger mites? How many angels can dance on the head of a bent and broken Romney/Ryan pin? What would Cheney do?

Having taken all this in, the American people responded with what can only be characterized as even more penetrating questions such as: “Who cares? What difference does it make? Aren’t we stuffed to the gills with enough partisan gobbledy goop already? Does anyone really give an albino rat’s ass? Isn’t there a seafood buffet around here somewhere?”

The revelations have been as startling as mint jelly on lamb.

Tragic violent events occurring in the Middle East? Oh no! Not that. Perpetual infighting amongst government agencies? That couldn’t happen here, could it? Republicans accusing a Democratic administration of not being patriotic enough? What are the odds?

Next you’ll tell me the Justice Department investigation of the Justice Department’s seizure of AP reporters’ phone records will lead to the Justice Department concluding that the Justice Department did nothing wrong. The public’s eyes are glazing over like a fifth grader lectured on the nutritional aspects of broccoli rabe.

Haven’t we been told for the last 20, 30 years that Libya is a godless pit of iniquity and now they want us to heap truckloads of blame onto our own guys because someone got killed over there?

After they themselves voted down additional money for embassy security? Another example of that whole “dynamite the front steps then complain what a pain it is to climb into the house on a rope ladder” school of logic.

But the GOP remains convinced they have the administration on the run, and is calling for all sorts of investigative committees and dedicated inquiry boards and pretty soon it will be special prosecutors and court rooms full of hopping kangaroos and then pointy sticks and barbed wire and dungeon doors with keys specifically designed to be thrown away. Just in time for the

WILL DURST

midterms.

And if everything goes according to plan, Hillary Clinton and her nascent 2016 presidential run will wither and rot behind the same Benghazi charges. But the Republicans must know how tricky this sort of maneuver can be. As with all smoke screens, you have to pay real close attention to which way the wind blows, or you could easily end up choking on the same stuff you’re spreading.

The Batty Battalion You do realize that Washington, D.C. is not the real world, don’t you? It’s a state of mind. An altered state of mind. Where you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Slammed when you stand and rammed when you run. Berated if you lie and lambasted for the truth. Where even the slightest of breeze can carry the pollen of disaster. And the pack on top knows the best way to avoid getting a face full of disaster pollen is to spread the dried residue of other exquisite catastrophes first. Ream or be reamed.

And as far as D.C. stories go, a lack of misfortune is no good reason not to speak of them. So now the Washington punditry has banded together to float the notion that President Obama’s second-term agenda has stalled. That he’s such a lame duck the presidential limousine should be sporting a blue placard hanging from the rear view mirror. Best thing to do is to burrow deep and lie low. Give up and crawl into the overhead compartment of Air Force One and eat marzipan in the dark.

Now. Already. Four months in, with 44 left to go. Holey moley, guys. You left the movie before the opening credits rolled.

More stuff happens after the overture, you know. Have you ever made it through an entire entree? Would hate to be your date at a baseball game; you sound like the kind of people who leave between the top and bottom halves of the second inning. Must be Dodger fans.

It takes a special kind of degenerative myopia to craft these precocious accusations. First off, you need to be blind as an Oedipal bat to ignore the exhaustingly recalcitrant House majority, including leader John Boehner, who would rather be seen washing skid-mark undies in a Congressional hallway water fountain than work with the president.

To fail to witness the GOP defy the will of 90 percent of America while appeasing their NRA overlords, your sunglasses must be cut from slabs of granite. Wearing your hoodie on backwards to not be aware that both sides of the aisle are concerned with one thing and one thing only: re-election. Suffer from tertiary retinal jam not to notice you’re jumping on a bandwagon so flimsy a lighting moth would crash through the floorboards.

Let’s say the Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs commentators are correct. That the Kenyan Kid has wasted the tiny political capital his November election earned, and is already a lame duck. What’s he supposed to do now? Take up hydroponic gardening to supply dis pen sa ries in Col o rado and Wash ing ton? Wink-wink.

Nudge-nudge.

Engage in a lengthy bout of Hawaiian location scouting for potential presidential library sites? Establish residency in some backwater state so Michelle can run for Senator? Canvas talent agencies for potential 2017 speaking engagements? Spend an inordinate amount of time in the basement White House bowling alley to get his average up for the Ex-Presidents League?

And since we’ve agreed his presidency is over, why stop there? Since the number one GOP strategy since January of ’93 has been to deny any Democratic president even the tiniest of victories, this might be an unimpeachable time to preemptively besmirch Hillary Clinton’s upcoming first term as an unmitigated calamity and complete and utter failure. Unless you’re into self-fulfilling prophecies.

Recipient of seven consecutive nominations for Stand-Up of the Year, Will Durst’s new one-man show, “Boomer Aging: From LSD to OMG,” is presented every Tuesday at The Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.

“The circumstances of the world are continually changing, and the opinions of man change also; and as government is for the living, and not for the dead, it is the living only that has any right in it.” – Thomas Paine, from “The Rights of Man” (1791)

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HUMOR TIMES

June, 2013

Austerity for Prosperity Something is holding back the recovery...

but noone knows what.

Congress has its priorities...

and it ain’t the taxpayers.

They say they have big ideas...

that will affect the economy in a big way.

Meanwhile, the little guy is getting sucked dry...

June, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

and graduates are feeling the bite.

7

The Hightower Lowdown Gagging on Ag-gag Laws In most state legislatures today, “off the wall” has become the political center, and bizarre bills are no longer unusual.

Still, it seems strange that legislators in so many states — including Arkansas, California, Florida, Indiana, Missouri, Ohio and Vermont — have simultaneously been pushing “ag-gag” bills that are not merely outrageous, but downright un-American. Each is intended to quash free speech by banning journalists, whistleblowers, workers and other citizens from exposing illegal, abusive or unethical treatment of animals that are incarcerated in the factory feeding operations of huge corporations.

Our nation’s founders mounted a revolution to establish our free-press and free-speech rights, enshrining them in the First Amendment to ensure the free exchange of ideas — even when the Powers That Be didn’t like the message that such freedoms produce. In fact, the Founders knew from hard experience that the protection of those freedoms was especially essential when the Powers That Be have something they’re eager to hide from the citizenry.

Yet here comes a mess of so-called “conser-

vatives” attempting to use state government to outlaw messengers who shine a light on corporate wrongdoing — turning those who expose crimes into criminals. Even kookier, these repressive laws declare that truth-tellers who so much as annoy or embarrass the corporate owner of the animal factory are guilty of “an act of terrorism.”

Oddly, each of these state proposals is practically identical, even including much of the same wording. That’s because, unbeknownst to the public and other legislators, the bills don’t originate from the state lawmakers who introduce them. Instead, they come from a Washington-based corporate front group named ALEC — the American Legislative Exchange Council.

This infamous “bill mill” periodically convenes its corporate funders to write model bills that serve their special interests. Then ALEC farms out bills to its trusted cadre of state lawmakers across the country, who introduce them as their own, not mentioning the corporate powers behind them.

The secretive ALEC network produced the model ag-gag bill in 2002 and began shipping it from state to state under the ominous tile, “Ani-

mal and Ecological Terrorism Act.” The freedom-busting terrorists in this fight are not those who reveal the abuse, but the soulless factory-farm profiteers in the corporate suites and the cynical lawmakers who serve them.

Actually, factory farms are not farms at all.

They are corporate-run concentration camps for pigs, cows, chickens, turkeys and other food animals.

Held in corporate confinement, these creatures of nature are denied any contact with their natural world, instead being crammed by the thousands into concrete-and-metal buildings, where they are locked in torturously tiny cages for the duration of their so-called “life” — which is nasty, brutish and short. All this merely so food giants like Tyson Foods, Smithfield and Borden can grab fatter and quicker profits. Their abusive industrial system is so disgusting that America’s consumers would gag at the sight of it.

That’s why they’re desperate to keep you from knowing what goes on inside. Nonetheless, word has been getting out, as animal rights advocates, consumer groups, reporters, unions

JIM HIGHTOWER and others have exposed some of the realities of animal confinement to the public, including showing wretch-inducing photos and videos.

Rather than cleaning up their act, however, the industrial food powers have simply doubled down on disgusting by getting industry-funded state legislators to go after anyone who reveals their ugly secrets.

Their attack on whistleblowers will gag you almost as badly as viewing the gross animal abuse. But, really, who do they think they’re fooling? If they have to pass a law that says, “Don’t look here,” people will naturally wonder what they’re hiding — and will demand to see it and change it. Six states have passed ag-gag laws, and six more are presently moving toward passage. To see what your legislature is doing — and to join the fight to stop factory farming everywhere — go to humanesociety.org.

Just Warming Up Climate change is affecting fish...

and bees...

But fossil fuels are still plentiful.

and water is getting scarce in places.

8

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2013

Hostage Situation The NRA has learned the ABCs of marketing...

like hooking ’em while they’re young...

so that they’ll buy later … if they live.

They know the art of political persuasion...

and who they’re dealing with.

Senators deliberate in a time-honored way...

and the NRA knows how to keep them in line...

June, 2013

or else.

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Study: 98% Admit Ringmaster Carney Helps Turn Obama Palin Responds to Senate Poll, Says She’d Love to be into Fun for Whole Family ROFL Just an LOL Scandals In a colorful press conference held at the “I had no idea that guy (what’s his name? Older?

A new study was released last week detailing various online practices of users across our interconnected globe.

Needless to say, some appalling facts have come to light.

Apparently, the vast majority of web surfers suffer from something called lying. Basically, those who use internet slang as a form of communicating emotion are doing so superfluously, haphazardly, and, for the most part, under false pretenses.

The data showed that seventy-five percent of the time LOL is used, the per-

This guy had a good laugh, but inaccurately described it as “ROFL” on Facebook. He did not, in fact, actually roll on the floor at all.

petrators are simply grinning while typing. Even more dis turb ing is the r e v e l a t i o n t h a t n i n e t y- e i g h t t o ninety-nine percent of the time the user claims that something is so funny they are literally rolling on the floor laughing (ROFL) in hys ter ics–you guessed it–they are still in their chair or on their bed.

“We should have been suspicious from the very beginning,” says sociological expert Tom Frandlebars. “We naively accepted that people were out there constantly laughing out loud. But then it escalated to careening on the ground like some sort of felled lumber.

And, of course, it didn’t end there. The sheer audacity of someone claiming they’ve somehow laughed so hard that their ass came off should have been enough of a red flag for us. We see it now as a cry for help.”

According to every government and press agency we’ve contacted, though there have been multitudinous reports of LMAO, there has yet to be one actual confirmed case on record.

However, we were able to track down and talk to part of the one percent.

“Yes, when I laugh, I invariably end up on the ground,” reported T. H. (not his real name). “But it’s not because I am upholding a sense of duty or social responsibility–it’s actually a condition of mine which can’t be controlled. It’s called ROFLing and, seriously, it’s nothing to laugh at.”

By Jeff Boldt, Humor Times.

White House a few days ago, press secre- Oldman? Yeah, Gary Oldman), I had no idea Gary tary/circus master Jay Carney lived up to his last Oldman was still in charge of the Department of Sitname as the Obama uational Ethics. If I had, he’d scandals piled up like elbe long gone because of that ephants in a circus ring last “scandal” thingy (we are or clowns in a clown car. calling it that right?). AlFrom Benghazi to the though, to be fair, it’s hard to IRS to killing American really blame him for it becitizens without trial to cause he also had no knowlMichelle p o s si b l y edge of the stuff and whatnot changing her hair again and goings on that hapto now this. pened–I’m not at liberty to Mr. Carney began the elaborate because it’s for my wildly entertaining eyes only. But don’t worry, I event by reminding evhaven’t seen it.”

“Scandal? Now you see it, now you don’t.” eryone that the Benghazi Mr. C ar ney, j ug gl er exhibition could be viewed in the smaller tent extraordinaire, finished the evening festivities with just outside the main arena under the banner a classic plate-spinning performance that would’ve “sideshow.” put world record holder, David Spathaky, to shame.

Just as he finished speaking, twenty military This show, though not getting nearly the press drones buzzed the big tent towing banners that coverage (or media-infused emotion) it deserves, read: Progress!! could possibly become the defining moment of an The president arrived with customary flair increasingly eventful Obama administration. and, after issuing a brief statement, wowed the Reported by Jeff Boldt, Humor Times. audience with his signature disappearing act.

Somali Pirate Returns to Work Following Year-Long Sabbatical Ogubuwe wants folks to have fun before the murder starts MOGADISHU – It’s been over a year since any commercial shipping vessels have been attacked by pirates off the coast of the African country of Somalia, but Robert Ogubuwe promises that

Somali pirates: “It’s a stressful job.”

is about to change. Ogubuwe confirms that his year-long sabbatical from his piracy duties has come to an end, and he’s ready to get back to work.

“After nearly a decade of non-stop terror attacks I was feeling directionless and in need of some me-time,” Ogubuwe says, “I needed to take a step back and reflect on the things that make me happy as a human being, aside from murder and pillaging.”

Ogubuwe says that he initially began questioning his career choices after several friends of his were assassinated following the overtaking of the Maersk Alabama in 2009, in which American forces rescued the captain of the vessel that had been overtaken.

“I was wondering if the work I was doing was

really worth it,” he says, “I’ve always been more than willing to risk myself and my crew in order to pro vide for the war lords who reign over Mogadishu, but I was becoming increasingly more overcome with the feeling that there is more to life than robbery and the occasional rape. This year off has allowed me to discover what some of those things are.”

Ogubuwe says he spent the past year studying world religions and travelling abroad, which he says gave him a deeper understanding of the different cultures of the people who he has killed during his career.

“When you truly stop and consider that each person is a unique individual, it gives greater meaning and significance to every life you extinguish,” says Ogubuwe, “The great irony is, while on sabbatical, I was actually on a pleasure cruise that was taken over by pirates. As I watched the pirate captain struggle to choose which passenger to kill, I knew exactly the turmoil he was dealing with. That realization will, I believe, make me a more effective murderer in the end.”

Ogubuwe says he plans to resume his career this summer. He says he will return to the work he loves with a renewed focus and understanding for what it takes to be a top flight murderer and thief.

“Anyone can kill another person,” he says, “Killing is easy. High school kids do it. What the sabbatical has taught me, hopefully, is how to actually kill while maintaining a sense of my own humanity.”

By Sal Kingfisher, brokenworldnews.com

President of Alaska Again

A recent poll shows that former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin would narrowly beat out Senator Mark Begich (Dem - Alaska) in a 2014 midterm race if she were to run. Palin hasn’t publicly commented yet on whether or not she’d consider running for the Senate... until we reached out to her earlier today to ask her what she thinks of the poll.

Palin answered the phone in an upbeat mood.

“You know, I love nothing more than the Great State of Alaska, you betcha! And yes, I did capitalize the word ‘great,’ even though I’m talking.

I’ll betcha didn’t know I could do that, did you?

There’s a lot about me you don’t know, I reckon.

I’m mavericky, don’t-cha-know, mavericky people are full of surprises!”

We asked Palin if she’d heard about the poll.

“You know, I did, and it’s like, should I try to be pres i dent of Alaska again, or hold out to be pres i dent of America again in 2015?

Because I might just Palin: “Mavericky.” go rogue here and become VICE president of BOTH!” “It’s obvious to me that being Vice President is more important than being president, because Dick Cheney, you know, and it has more words, and it’s like, how will this affect the next reality TV show my family works on?” she asked. “So yes, I’d love to follow in the footsteps of great Amer i can pa triot found ing fa thers like Benjamin Franklin and Ronald Reagan and become the next great vice president of Alaska and America at the same time!”

By Matt Rock, pardonthepundit.com.

Surgeon General Warning: Humor Times Habit-Forming Regina Benjamin, MD, Surgeon General of the United States, warned readers about the national humor magazine, the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter, upsetting those with weaker stomachs.

“Sure, we all like to laugh,” Benjamin said, “but at what price? Sudden guffaws can disturb those nearby. Tears of laughter can blur your vision. And belly laughs can upset your stomach.”

“We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’” she went on, “but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America.”

(Ed. warning: Subscription info can be found on page 2 – use at your own risk!)

Science: Distilling the Ultimate Modern Humor Article Mass Shootings Happening Everyday Researchers ask: How can writers deliver the humor readers crave in a dumbed-down world?

Now; NRA Says It’s the Price of Freedom Researchers at various humor think tanks and the chair laughing to falling off the chair in zom‘It’s just not enough to make a fuss bout,’ says NRA’s Jim Porter, as bullets fly A Humor Times exclusive report walls, podium and windows.

Since the Newtown school shooting trag“Our freedoms should not be sacrificed edy, mass shootings have been on a steady just because a few lone nuts out there take adrise. Now, they are averaging vantage of them,” said Porter, about one a day, says the FBI. ducking behind a desk with Even Mother’s Day parades this reporter. are no exception, as crazy peoJust then a bullet took his ple have no trouble obtaining hat off. gun s, s i nc e ba c k g r o u n d “I mean, it's right there in checks are laughably easy to the Con sti tu tion,” he said get around. calmly, “and as Patrick Henry But the soon-to-be new said, ‘Give me Liberty, or give NRA leader, Jim Porter, said at me death.’” a press conference today that As those words left his it's still not enough to warrant mouth, another bullet grazed new background check laws. his scalp.

Just as he was saying that, “Ouch,” said Porter, “that shots rang out in the room. hurt!” People were falling all NRA’s Portly Jim Porter.

“After all, guns don’t kill around us now, and we depeople, people do,” he said, ignoring the sud- cided to make a run for the door. den chaos. Asked if that means that people Porter slipped in a pool of blood, and should be subjected to background checks, landed on his face, breaking his nose.

“Damn!” he screamed, as I pulled him up Porter answered, “People don’t kill people, and we ran out the door. “Where is the govguns do.”

With everyone ducking and scattering, ernment when you need it?” he screamed, and shots continuing to be fired, bullets could “Someone needs to do something about slipbe heard whiz zing over head, hit ting the pery floors. Someone could get hurt!”

12

humor websites have been exhaustingly searching for clues on how to adapt comic articles to our modern times. With the decreased attention span of readers these days, it has become increasingly difficult for humor providers to give the masses their daily doses of ha-ha’s in a multi-paragraphed format that isn’t too strenuous for them.

This debility has lead to much clinical testing and research on the part of comic franchises that depend on humor as the drug of choice to provide to their legions of fans. It is quite annoying when the patronage falls asleep before getting to the second paragraph or answers their incoming text message never to return to the very funny article they were reading about how the neighbors dog chewed all the fur off the writer’s cat or how aliens abducted a man’s typical suburban housewife and returned her as sexy as Sophia Loren in her hey-day.

Scientists gave each experimentee several articles to read, which varied in length and difficulty of language. The laugh scientists then gauged the reaction time, the level of laughter induced and the nodding off point of each article. A vast gamut of reactions was recorded, ranging from falling off

HUMOR TIMES

bie-like boredom. Of course, some of the interviews led to the possibility of sexual intrigue with the interviewee, much of which ended up being as humorous as the intended subject matter.

Af ter months of ar du ous work, researchers have winnowed the humor article down to an absolutely basic element from which all humor articles can be built. This would be the penultimate article; the minimalist atomical particle possib l e . N o w, w i t h a l l re s e a r c h a n a l y z e d , double-checked and consolidated with other humor study fields throughout the world, it can be revealed to the public.

The most basic humor article possible: “Fart.”

From this building block can all future humor articles find their foundation and build upon.

With that, the scientific teams were satisfied and moved on to other more serious subjects, like trying to identify if rats could discern the different flavors of cheese on a four cheese pizza or if grey whales can hit a low bass B flat when singing.

Thank you for reading this article and please wake up anyone reading it with you.

Reported by Roger Freed, Humor Times.

June, 2013

Walled Off Wall Street

Infotainment

The stock market is rising into rarified air.

The media is skimping on real reporting...

It’s a veritable playground for the rich...

resulting in shoddy work...

and the Koch brothers want to help.

and they say the economy is doing just fine, thank you.

Social media isn’t the most accurate source of info either.

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June, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

13

Deregulated Disasters A clothing factory collapsed in Bangladesh...

which is finally starting to make people think...

and may result in changes there.

Back in Texas, the guv is proud of his policies...

where they do everything in a big way...

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June, 2013

How to Get Opponents to Not Guard You Too Closely A major sports athlete came out as gay...

and was hailed as a hero.

Things are certainly changing...

are roles are reversing.

Argus Sez The Beverly Hills Hotel has started serving High Tea at four o’clock in the afternoon for Los Angeles society groups. It includes a harpist and crumbcakes. The first three groups of ladies were carried off in paddy wagons after the IRS got wind of the tea parties.

President Obama called in the Marines to hold an umbrella over his head during his Rose Garden press conference. Let’s face it. We just don’t have the military capability to protect our Middle East diplomats and the president’s suits at the same time.

President Obama has been buffeted by scandals on Benghazi, the Justice Department, and IRS targeting of opponents lately. It’s weird. If we didn’t know Barack Obama’s father was black and his mother was white we’d think his mother was black and his father was Nixon.

President Obama held a news conference in the Rose Garden recently. The scandals are starting to get to him. While denying responsibility for last fall’s disaster in Libya the president wagged his finger and said he did not have sex with that woman Ben Gazzara.

President Obama denied knowledge of the Inspector General’s report when asked if he knew the IRS was targeting political enemies. It was immediately obvious to every person in the country he’d sidestepped the question. There’ll never be another Bill Clinton.

U.S. Senator John Cornyn revealed the IRS softball team canceled their game with his Senate office’s softball team amid tensions over the IRS scrutinizing conservatives. The IRS should take the softballs while they can get them. The questions only get tougher from here.

Mitt Romney agreed to serve as advisor to a San Diego-Tijuana trans-national bid to host the Olympic games. It boasts compelling venues.

There’s a twenty-foot-high fence between the two cities, and the barbed wire will make the pole vaulting event must-see TV.

June, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

ARGUS HAMILTON David Beckham was named the world’s top-earning athlete by Forbes with fifty million dollars in earnings last year. He won’t do as well next year because he just announced that he is retiring. He is giving up underwear modeling to focus on soccer.

CBS News reported that residents in the Gaza Strip are paying smugglers thirty dollars each to bring buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken from the nearest KFC in Egypt through a tunnel into Gaza. KFC executives are thrilled. The boneless chicken is a hit.

The White House expressed alarm over a Texas gunmaker who showed it is possible to make a plastic handgun with an office printer that’ll fool metal detectors. Everyone relax.

It’s a printer for crying out loud, it’ll refuse to work one week after you’ve bought it.

The New York Post reported that Tiger Woods showed up drunk at a New York charity ball recently. Let him enjoy himself. This year Tiger decided to reduce his number of tournaments to spend more time with his family, and by family he means old Grand Dad. O.J. Simpson testified that he was drunk when he robbed a Las Vegas sports collector in a hotel room four years ago. The facts of life in today’s world are dawning on him. You kill two people you get nothing, but steal your own jersey and it’s life in prison.

China’s government announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the United States. It’s an insult that underestimates the American character. When we watch Dallas, Dynasty, and Baywatch re-runs in our own homes we squabble over which one is the worst, but when the shows are attacked from abroad, we rally together and fight.

15

Women in Combat

Unhealthy

Military culture is hard to change...

The GOP wants to kill it before it sprouts...

so it’s really up to the voters.

especially when those in charge like it the way it is...

and continue to hide the problem.

Hospital charges have been shown to be arbitrary...

and super bugs are getting stronger.

Meanwhile, military trials are suddenly popular.

16

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2013

Immigration Frustration

Sound of Silence

Sensible reform is on the table...

The Bush library opened...

but that doesn’t mean it’ll be easy. or whatever you call it.

It is pretty unique as presidential libraries go...

Republicans are wary...

and celebrates his accomplishments.

but continue to reach out in their own way.

June, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

17

Miscellaneous Mischief

18

HUMOR TIMES

June, 2013

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Issue #258

June, 2013

The News…in Cartoons!

Formerly the Comic Press News

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