Humor Times, July 2013

“One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.” – Plato

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Issue #259

July, 2013

The News…in Cartoons!

Formerly the Comic Press News

Wear your elic ched tie-dye & psyes! ss la g

®

presents

The

(About half a subscripthat with tion!)

®

The great national-touring political comedian, Will Durst, “the thinking man's comic,” turns his trademark biting wit inward from politics to an inspired take on his generation, in a new, critically acclaimed, multi-media (!) show:

BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG This all-new show is a tribute to the history, growth, achievements, joys and the looming doom of the Baby Boom Generation in today's youth-obsessed society.

Durst explores the Boomers’ revolutions, evolutions and self-inflicted contusions, while detailing how to lose the fear of aging and embrace the wrinkles. He also promises to shamelessly stroke the egos of the self-described “Most Important Generation” through such segments as: •The Brightside of Xtreme Maturity •Hope I Die Before I Get … Oh, Too Late, Plug Me In •Racing from the Shadow of a Mushroom Cloud •Everything You Wanted to Know About Decrepitude but Were Afraid to Ask •Hey You Punks, Get Off My Wireless Router!

It’s a celebration of the maturation of the Boomer Nation.

Special Note: Due to the graphic nature and startlingly archaic technology, children under the age of 40 will not be admitted unless accompanied by a guardian. We apologize for any inconvenience!

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Friday, August 23rd, 7:00pm at the Sierra II Center’s 24th Street Theatre, 2791 24th St., Sacramento 6:00-6:50pm: Complimentary drinks, including beer & wine, will be served at a hosted bar before the show in the Garden Room and adjoining outdoor patio, adjacent to the Theatre.

Tickets: $20 ($25 preferred seating) in advance; $25/$30 at the door Available at: The Beat, 1700 J St, Sacramento and on our Secure Online Order Form, at www.omsoft.com/secure/humortimes/events/eventform.asp For more information or to order over the phone: 916-455-1217 • info@humortimes.com The Sierra II Center has two free parking lots: The Castro Way lot and the 4th Ave lot. Please observe parking signs on the surrounding streets. Neither the Center nor the show’s presenters will be held responsible for parking tickets.

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July, 2013

Editor’s Letter

Whitewater Rafting!

The success of our 22nd anniversary celebration on May 5th in Sacramento with the great Capitol Steps musical/political comedy troupe has inspired us to sponsor more shows!

Who better to present than comedian and long-time Humor Times (and nationally-syndicated) columnist Will Durst?

Will has a brand-new one-man show he’s been perfecting in San Francisco this summer called “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG.” It’s a multi-media show designed not to overwhelm boomers, in that it’s just an overhead projector – not too technical!

Mr. Durst is world-famous for his decades of great political stand-up comedy, having been nominated for an Emmy five times now. (Should’ve won all five, in our opinion!) This show is a departure from his usual format, being more about his generation’s trials and tribulations than politics. Although we’re pretty sure he’ll work some of that in, perhaps with a more historical perspective.

The show is getting rave reviews in the city by the bay, and it will be great to have him in Sacramento again.

BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG will be presented Comedian Will Durst. on Friday, August 23rd, at Sierra II Center’s 24th Street Theatre. Complimentary drinks will be served at a hosted bar in the garden room and courtyard adjacent to the theater before the show! See the article on page 15 for more information.

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Meanwhile, you may notice some new cartoonists in this issue. We’ve picked up some great ones, like Walt Handlesman, David Horsey, Mike Luckovich, Dan Wasserman and many more. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do!

As always, please help us to continue growing and spreading the laughs (and the political “truthiness” hidden within, as Stephen Colbert might say) by giving a subscription to someone you know. After all, everyone can use a diversion from the mindnumbing everyday reality of modern life. Thank you for your continuing support!

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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 22, Issue 259, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Argus Hamilton, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

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July, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

3

Privacygate We all like to enjoy our private moments...

but the gov’t says it needs to keep a watchful eye.

The president tried to reassure citizens...

but somehow people are still not comfortable.

The fact that corporations are helping to spy...

The press is feeling intimidated too...

4

is not helping.

but Obama says he is being open with them. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2013

A big debate has been sparked about what is right...

and what is not.

They say monitoring social media helps fight terrorism...

On top of the NSA scandal, the Supremes ruled...

but most decry the lack of privacy.

that cops can sample DNA when they make an arrest.

In the hands of wrong people...

July, 2013

this technology could enable an abuse of power.

HUMOR TIMES

5

Alien No More The immigration could actually get passed. Maybe.

Ear to the ground, everybody. Listen close. You can hear it coming. Could be a while. Might be a bit beat up. Probably won’t look like it does now. But eventually those slight puffs of dust in the distance will slide right down Main Street and America will undergo another facelift. And yes, after it’s over, the whole country will appear younger and more vital. We might even buy ourselves a red convertible.

Talking about the Border Security, Economic Opportunity and Immigration Modernization Act, which we, the general rabble, have come to know as The Immigration Bill. Presently it can be found slogging its way through the Senate on a pace rivaling that of a snail nailed to a 2 x 4 with a railroad spike. Minus the alacrity.

Taking so long because the Senate has to vote on every proposed amendment. And there are hundreds. No, seriously. Hundreds. Jeff Sessions of Alabama wrote 49, but he’s playing T-ball in short pants compared to Iowa’s Chuck Grassley, who offered up 77 amendments. And this past Wednesday the Senate managed to vote on… four. To say it’s going take a while is like intimating that surgical decapitation tends to inhibit throwing a sinker on the inside of the plate to a left-handed batter. And speaking of the House of Representatives… we kid.

Various amendments to the immigration bill deal with border triggers, border fences and border security. Restrictions on access to guns and hospitals and schools and welfare. Back taxes.

Same-sex couples. Stripping responsibility from Homeland Security and giving it to Congress. Ostensibly, for reasons of expediency due to Congress’ nimble bureaucracy. You can’t make stuff up like this.

One amendment involves the library system and one calls for national voter ID. But plenty of obvious issues have been ignored by the Most Deliberative Body in the World. So, as a public service, we here at Durstco offer up a couple of fixes to issues that we citizens living in the real world would like to see addressed in the new immigration bill. Admittedly, few are crazy enough to make it through the House.

1. Before being accepted as a naturalized citizen: Applicants must give up all rights to consort with a Kardashian.

2. Anybody desiring to be an American must immediately stop referring to soccer as football.

3. Of course we welcome diversity, but weird foreign desserts have to be given American names so we know what we’re getting.

4. Prospective citizens must pledge to name every 4th child after a president or first lady. Barack doesn’t count. Michelle is okay.

5. When swimming, men are prohibited from wearing those skimpy Speedo bathing suits that make them look like they’re smuggling plums. Women are exempt from this rule.

6. Prospective U.S. citizens must publicly choose: Ginger or Mary Ann. 7. True Americans shake hands, we don’t air kiss. Women are

WILL DURST

exempt from this rule.

8. The correct answer to “How many liters in a gallon?” is “who cares.”

9. Under threat of expulsion, new citizens pledge to cheer for the USA as at least their second team during international competitions such as the Olympics.

10. Any U.S. citizen who thinks Mexico and New Mexico are in the same country must immediately leave. Even if they’ve been here all their lives.

Congratulations. And welcome to America, where Budweiser is no longer an import.

A Letter from Your Ever-Vigilant Friends at the NSA Dear U.S. Citizen, Please accept our most egregiously sincere apologies here at the NSA for the difficulties and inconveniences the secret monitoring of your phone records and email and GPS units and foreign travel and bank accounts and yes, even your snail mail, has evidently caused.

We strive for the perfection of our services at the NSA, which depend on your chronic obliviousness. Unfortunately, due to one disgruntled deadbeat (who escaped to China to avoid government persecution — which is like joining the Army because you’re tired of people telling you what to do) you now know of our continuing efforts to keep you safe. That was never our intention.

When you are even tangentially aware of the absurd lengths the National Security Agency (NSA) will go to keep you and your loved ones out of harm’s way, our mission has failed. If you knew half the crap we have to slog through here, your hair would curl, but that’s another story altogether.

Yes, we’re pretty much keeping tabs on everything everyone says and does, all the time, which we understand upsets a few of you. Folks. Don’t worry. Nobody’s actually listening to any of this stuff. We’re just used to collecting it. If it makes you feel any better, think of this whole enterprise as an exceedingly long, government-subsidized episode of “Hoarders.” You can trust us.

And seriously, anybody who didn’t suspect this kind of snooping was going on is not to be trusted with knives in the kitchen without a fencing mask. Privacy is soooo 20th Century. You share the regularity of your bowel movements on Facebook, but we check around to find out who’s making coded phone calls to al-Qaida and suddenly everybody’s nose is out of joint? You kidding me?

Unfortunately, one of our representatives testified in front of Congress, “no, we aren’t collecting data on Americans,” when what he meant to say is, “yes, we ARE collecting data on Americans.” James Clapper simply gave the “least untruthful answer possible.” Then again, Congress knows that getting a straight answer from us is harder than bending a wire coat-hanger into a number representing pi to the sixth digit with your teeth. All for your protection.

See, the problem is, nobody knows who the enemy is anymore. Narrowing suspicion is much too time-consuming. Lot easier to wiretap the entire nation than try to pick out the one or two most devious of you. Besides, what could be more democratic than spying on everybody?

We call the process data mining. And you, the soft quarry, are producing up to a billion records a day. Which is real similar to pulverizing Everest, then sifting through the rubble for a blue pebble. It ain’t easy, people. Lot of haystacks, not so many needles.

To ensure this glitch never occurs again, we are rectifying the glitcher in order to return our service to the high-level quality that you, the citizens of America, have come to expect. For the inconvenience we have caused, each household in America will receive 3 free months of HBO. If you have any questions or comments regarding this matter, please contact your Congressperson. Thanks for your understanding, and please, don’t bother looking for us. You can be sure, we’ll be looking after you.

Sincerely, Your ever-vigilant friends at the NSA P.S. Don’t forget to “like us” on Facebook.

WILL DURST’ S NEW SHOW IS COMING TO SACRAMENTO! The Humor Times will be presenting Durst’s all-new show, BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG, on August 23rd. See the article on page 15 for more information!

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HUMOR TIMES

July, 2013

Trickle-Down Reduced to Micro-Drip The gap between rich & poor is getting obscene...

but the 1% earned it fair & square, they say.

Don’t worry, it’ll trickle down...

but perhaps not before it all comes tumbling down.

The economy is improving, just enough, for some...

but not so much for most of us.

Meanwhile, the future is cloudy...

July, 2013

and opportunities ever-slimmer.

HUMOR TIMES

7

The Hightower Lowdown Repeal the Patriot Act It’s back. The Patriot Act — that grotesque, ever-mutating, hydra-headed monstrosity from the Bush-Cheney Little Shop of Horrors — has risen again, this time with an added twist of Orwellian intrusiveness from the Obamacans.

Since 2006, Team Bush, and then Team Obama, have allowed the little-known, hugely powerful National Security Agency to run a daily dragnet through your and my phone calls — all on the hush-hush, of course, not informing us spyees. Now exposed, leaders of both parties are piously pointing to the Patriot Act, saying that it legalized this wholesale, everyday invasion of our privacy, so we shouldn’t be surprised, much less upset by NSA’s surreptitious peek-a-boo program.

When the story broke, Obama quickly began dissembling, calling these massive and routine violations of the Fourth Amendment “modest encroachments on privacy” that are “worth us doing” to make us more secure. He added disingenuously that Congress is regularly briefed about the program. In fact, however, only a handful of members are briefed, and even they have been lied to by Obama’s director of na-

tional intelligence, James Clapper, who flatly denied in Senate testimony in March that NSA was gathering information on hundreds of millions of our citizens’ phone calls. Yet, Sen. Diane Feinstein, chairwoman of the intelligence committee, loyally defends spying on Americans, claiming it protects us from terrorists. But she then admitted she really doesn’t know how the mountains of data are being used.

This is nothing but the “Great Bottomless Trust-Us Swamp,” created by the panicky passage and irresponsible reauthorization of the Patriot Act. Secretly seizing everyone’s phone records is, as the ACLU put it, “beyond Orwellian.” A New York Times editorial rightly says, “The administration has now lost all credibility on this issue.” But no administration can be trusted to re strain itself from abusing the unlimited power of the Patriot Act. It’s not enough to fight NSA’s outrageously invasive spying on us — the Patriot Act itself is a shameful betrayal of America’s ideals, and it must be repealed.

When whistleblower Eric Snowden literally b lew th e li d o ff N SA’s s e ve n-y e a r, super-snooper program of rummaging electroni-

cally through about a billion phone calls made every day by us average Americans, Al Gore tweeted: “Is it just me, or is secret blanket surveillance obscenely outrageous?” It’s definitely not just you, Al — this latest explosion of the Fourth Amendment is so mega-awful that authorities had to conjure up a new word for the process: Metadata mining.

Most shocking, however, is the tin-eared, who-cares reaction by both Republican and Democratic leaders to this outrageous meta-surveillance. For example, GOP Sen. Lindsey Graham blustered that, “It doesn’t bother me one bit that NSA has my number.” Hey, Lindsey, it’s not your number we’re worried about. It’s NSA’s collection of our entire country’s numbers. Then came Sen. Saxby Chambliss: “We have not had any citizen who has registered a complaint,” he blathered. Hello, Sen. Clueless: No one knew to complain since y’all kept the program secret from us! Remember?

Even more ridiculous was President Obama’s feeble effort to rationalize this spookery by declaring that Congress knew about it, as did a special spy court that routinely reviews and blesses it, so it’s all legit. In a perplexed voice,

JIM HIGHTOWER Obama added: “If people cant trust the executive branch, but also don’t trust Congress and don’t trust federal judges … then we’re going to have some problems here.”

Gosh sir, We the People have now learned that all three branches of government have furtively conspired for seven years to violate our privacy — so, no, we don’t trust any of them.

And, yes, that is a biiiiiiig problem.

There are no J Edgar Hoover-like “enemy lists” … yet. But it is not so difficult to envision a scenario where any of us has a link, via a friend of a friend, to someone on the terrorist watchlist.

What then? You may have no idea who this person is, but a supercomputer in Fort Meade (or, soon, at the Utah Data Center near Salt Lake City) will have made this connection. And then you could have some explaining to do to an over-zealous prosecutor.

– Valerie Plame Wilson and Joe Wilson, guardian.co.uk, Sunday 23 June 2013

To Your Health

8

Americans like to do everything big...

but it’s creating a big problem.

Meanwhile, food itself is getting dangerous...

and hospital bills are obese, too.

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2013

Getting Warmer The Oklahoma senators voted against Hurricane Sandy aid...

but want aid themselves, while still denying climate change.

The media is slow to report on warming, but quick to exploit.

Maybe the climate summit will help...

but don’t count on it.

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July, 2013

Meanwhile, things continue to heat up.

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and Coffee Garden Gallery Hours: 6am-11pm Mon-Sat • Sunday 7am-10pm • 916 457 5507 2904 Franklin Blvd • Gallery: 2900 Franklin Blvd • Sacramento

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Obama Authorizes IRS to Use Drones WASHINGTON, DC – In an historic move by the ex ec u tive branch, the Obama administration has authorized drone use by the Internal Revenue Service. The IRS will begin using the unmanned drones to gather intelligence and con duct any and all ma neu vers the agency deems necessary.

“Sure, there are gonna be some angry folks,” said IRS director of public relations Damien Rusk. “The good news is, most of them aren’t going to be angry for very long. These drones are the most efficient employees in the history of government.

Their targets will be located, targeted and brought to justice with great swiftn e s s , u nable to complain, ap peal, or for that matter ever need to file t a x e s again.”

“Look, some people are going to blow this out of proportion,” said President Obama. “I would like to assure the American people that these deadly robots are being placed in the hands of the governments most ruthless agency with a large system of checks and balances in place. I’m not, however, exactly sure what those checks or balances are, nor do I care to check. I’m a lame duck, and people who hate me are always gonna hate me anyway. So, godspeed IRS.” The drones were tested for IRS use in a remote region of the Nevada desert, using clay models of Willie Nelson, Pete Rose, and other former enemies of the IRS. “The testing has shown extremely positive results,” said IRS minister of weaponry Alex Kramer. “The drones were able to take down their targets in a matter of seconds, so any individual or organization we target will not have to suffer. This is actually a lot more humane than an audit.”

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Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

It’s Alive! GMO Wheat Stage Million Grain March Labor Issues Impact Recently escaped from the lab, radicalized grain is demanding its rights Al-Qaeda Plans A Humor Times Special Report Asked to respond, a single stalk of wheat Ever since unapproved GMO wheat was named Paul Gluten said, “Nonsense!” found sprouting on an 80-acre field in northeast “We GMO wheat are part of nature, the same Oregon in April, things have been moving fast. way the animals you breed are part of nature.

An entire acre of the radi cal ized grain Sure, we’re a little different than traditional marched on Washwheat. You might call ington today, adoptus ‘smart wheat,’ like ing “Occupy” tactics your smart phones. and asserting its right And we’ve got legs, to occupy any farmwhich is cool. My land it pollinates. grandfather never had This unruly strain that! of wheat has pro“Like any technogressed much faster log i cal ad vance, we than scientists GMO wheat have certhought pos si ble, tain advantages over and is now mobile or di nary wheat that and organized. you humans might apGMO wheat “Million Grain March” mostly peaceful.

The USDA is preciate,” Gluten confirmly opposed to this move by a crop it suppos- tinued. “We can deliver ourselves right to your edly regulates. house, for one. Can any other food say that? Can In a hastily arranged press conference today, any other food even speak? Let’s get real here.”

USDA spokesman Ed Curlett said, “This is a Indeed, coming on the heels of a recent global unique problem for us. Yes, we have allowed protest against Monsanto and GMO food in gencorporations to create genetically modified or- eral, this demonstration seemed to be a way for ganisms, but who expected frickin’ Franken- this particular genetically-modified organism to stein wheat, for God’s sake?” assert itself.

“Still,” Curlett continued, calming down, The protest march was mostly peaceful, with “this grain, like any other, must respect human the wheat staying in orderly rows. They were boundaries placed on it. I don’t care how smart seen spritzing water amongst themselves. It beit thinks it is.” ing sunny, the wheat seemed to grow stronger and However, Monsanto – a big player in the ge- taller throughout the day, observers said. netically modified organisms (GMO) revoluOrganizers are still deciding where to go next. tion – is backing the GMO wheat, saying, “We “It could be anywhere,” said Gluten. “But stand by our creation. God would want it this we’d like to put down roots in a good, solid, way. He created us, and gave us dominion over pro-GMO area. Or not, doesn’t really matter. We nature. We’re exercising that dominion. It’s all can spread wherever we want to, because the Crelegal, our army of lobbyists and lawyers made ator – Monsanto – can make farmers continue to sure of that. Deal with it.” grow us once we move in. Something about ‘suEnvironmental groups are split on the issue. ing for our rights,’ they say.”

While many have backed the rights of nature for Many stalks sported protest signs, such those years, even working to give it standing in court, reading, “Give GMO Peas a Chance! (And Wheat some groups insist GMO creations are not really Too),” “This Land is Our Land, Now,” and nature.

“GMO Are People Too.”

Anti-Immigration Law Passed; 305 Million to Leave Immediately Bill has farther-reaching implications than originally anticipated WASHINGTON D.C. — In a historic, and The German and British government (the two extremely surprising turn of events for the land countries with the largest percentage of deof the free and home of the brave, almost 90% of scended immigrants) have responded to the new its diverse population has now found itself with- policy with language that couldn’t be included in out a country or a home. Yesthis article. But basically, they ter day, on Capitol Hill, said they’re unable to accept Republican lawmakers sucand provide for such an inordicess fully pushed through nate amount of people at this sweep ing im mi gra tion retime. form with far-reaching impliNative Americans living in cations. both Hawaii and the contiguous “This is a real victory for United States, however, took America and all true Amerithe news as one might excans!” said Arizona governor pect–with excessive and exJan Brewer. “Sure, most of treme tomfoolery all night long. us have to leave but we’ve “How?! How is this possisent a clear message today: ble?” one incredulous Cherokee you can’t just come into this asked re port ers in be tween country, act like it’s your swigs of champagne. “Whatown, and take what’s not ever you might have called me Lady Liberty: From welcoming to yours. Illegal immigrants in the past is past; you can call saying goodbye. and their children will finally me a Republican now! Ha ha! be held accountable.”

Here’s to immigration reform!”

Moving 305 million peo ple has al ready The new Native American government, who turned into a logistical nightmare of epic propor- will officially take the reins of power next month, tions, but federal officials are working in tandem is allowing a couple of minority groups to stay, with lo cal au thor i ties to make sure every since many of them were brought over against non-native person returns to one of the countries their will. in their ancestry.

By Jeff Boldt, Humor Times

Insists drone attacks not the problem Al-Qaeda senior leaders this morning released a statement that conflicts with U.S. analyst determination that their movement has been decimated by continual drone strikes. They insist that the reason for their lack of serious attacks is related to having their plans impacted by labor issues.

For several years the recruits brought in for the lower level activities have been requesting higher compensation and benefits that are currently available to the leaders of the organization. The constant need for new low level operatives is one that this group regularly needs to replenish since they are generally designated to be suicide bombers.

They insist that in spite of the intelligence that is continually released to the media, they have in fact been able to maintain their salary grade 6 levels and above with little to no impact

Al-Qaeda Plans Impacted by Labor Issues

from U.S. attacks. Where they have had issues is in the area of those who carry out the operations.

There is a constant attempt by outside groups to unionize low level operatives, which has taken a tremendous toll on the group’s ability to wreak havoc and cause carnage. Recent attempts to reduce reliance on actual employees through the use of outsourcing and part-time agencies have also proven to be ineffective.

In a confidential interview with one of the lower level operatives, we were able to gain some insight into how significant this problem has become.

Jahib (not his real name) explained to us some of the issues that he has faced since committing himself to Al-Qaeda’s ideology.

“They don’t treat us with the respect that we deserve,” stated Jahib. “It’s hard enough to get work now, but all they offer is apprenticeships and part-time positions. I have a family of 12 and need more than that.”

“We also need health care. Look at my teeth, I don’t need 50 virgins, I need a dental plan! We feel like the Walmart of jihadist anymore.”

But Allah Faruh responded that “They just don’t understand. We had to cut off the predefined re tire ment plan and force them into 401K’s already, we can’t afford health care.

With the way things are now we can’t even operate in the United States without having the IRS come after us about Obamacare!”

By Mike Kelly, Humor Times

Surgeon General Warning: Humor Times Habit-Forming Surgeon General Regina Benjamin, MD, warned readers about the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to se ri ous bouts of belly-laugh ter, up set ting weaker stomachs.

“We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’” she said, “but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much.

Be careful out there, America.”

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12

photo by epsos.de

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2013

IRS

Apple The IRS plays by different rules...

Speaking of paying taxes...

Apple didn’t... and like other agencies, they like to party on our dime.

But the reason they’re in such big trouble... but instead, played a shell game.

is that they dared to apply the law.

Meanwhile, they continue to innovate.

July, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

13

Repubs Republicans are nothing if not persistent...

but they know they need to modernize.

They overreach with the filibuster a tad...

and their hopes for a comeback are drying up.

Dems The prez is feeling overworked...

and underappreciated.

The work of a president is never done...

14

and he may come to regret some things.

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2013

The Humor Times Presents Will Durst and His New Show, “Boomeraging from LSD to OMG” You don’t have to be a boomer to enjoy Will heard,” Durst said. “We have that activism, and we Durst’s all-new one-man show, “Boomeraging still feel like we will not be muted.” from LSD to OMG,” but it probably helps.

Durst is a five-time Emmy nominee who still The show is drawing rave reviews in San Fran- works hard, performing hundreds of shows a year cisco, and will soon be coming to Sacramento, in an and writing a nationally syndicated humor column, exclusive engagement prewhich has run in this publication for 20 years. sented by the Humor Times.

“I tell a lot of jokes — evThe one night only show will ery line has a joke or word happen Friday, August 23rd, play or a call back,” Durst at Sierra II Center’s 24th says. “I spent 32 years in Street Theatre. Complimenstand up, and I learned a lot of tary drinks will be served at a ways to tell a joke. And I’m hosted bar in the garden room able to do a joke every line and courtyard adjacent to the and also pro pel the narratheater before the show. tive.”

Durst is clearly enjoying Jean Schiffman of the San per forming his new show, Fran cisco Ex am iner says, calling it “liberating,” per“Durst’s good-natured, acerhaps because he gets to climb bic monologue is so funny out of his long-standing role that about midway through — as political comic, and just when he was describing how riff on his life — and by exinvisible baby boomers are in tension, a whole generation. y out h- or i ent e d cul t ur e Boomers are certainly relat(which boomers invented!), ing to his new material. and how, to Gen Y baristas, The show is about the traboomers appear to be little vails of what Durst calls beWill Durst. more than animated pieces of ing “chronologically gifted,” or “what happens when acid flashbacks meet de- furniture waddling up to the bar — I found myself on the verge of uncontrollable, hysterical laughter.” mentia.”

Getting old can be depressing, but Durst’s show Durst noted that people often remember only the good things about the past, so doing a show about a is a moral-booster for his audience. “I am not as old whole generation is somewhat cathartic. “I’m still as my parents were when they were my age,” he at the point where I’m aging but I don’t feel like I’m quips. “This is the oldest I’ve ever been ... and I’m aged,” he says. “I can still see the humor about be- beginning to sense a pattern.”

As Schiffman notes, “He promises to reveal the coming older.”

Of course, today’s world is a very different one meaning of life at the end, and it is indeed a wonfrom the one boomers grew up in, and that alone derfully uplifting finale. Grab your hearing aids presents a lot of material. “Everybody has the nos- and canes and see for yourself.”

Tickets (which include complimentary drinks), talgia for not being so frenetic as we are now. Toare $20/$25 advance or $25/$30 at the door. They day’s pace is a bitch,” he notes.

Boomers may be aging now, but we were young will be available at The Beat, 1700 J St., Sacraonce, and reveled in it. “We did create the youth mento, or online (link at humortimes.com). culture and demanded to be heard and then we were

Cartoonists & Comedians in Mourning Michele is retiring...

saying her work is done.

She’s disappointing her biggest fans...

July, 2013

but don’t think you’ve seen the last of her.

HUMOR TIMES

15

Miscellaneous Mischief

16

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2013

July, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

17

Parting Shots: China vs USA Obama met with China recently...

and it was all about sharing information.

They could be hacking our military computers...

which could be an equalizer.

They’ve gotten pretty good...

at delving into their work...

and are even conquering space.

18

Unfortunately, we’re still running a deficit with them.

HUMOR TIMES

July, 2013

Rosicrucian.org • Study wisdom from scholars and mystics throughout history; ancient to present.

• Work on improving yourself to follow your own “master within.”

• Learn methods of breathing and visualization which can change your life.

• Use ancient, simple techniques to aid in healing yourself and others.

• Sign up and receive study booklets by e-mail or mail.

• Study the information. Decide what you believe and what works for you.

• Improve your inner self. Expand your abilities.

• Pursue the religion and lifestyle of your choice.

The Rosicrucian Order is a worldwide fraternal organization of men and women dedicated to studying the teaching of great mystical minds from all time periods and cultures. We do not promote any single religion, or dogma or philosophy. Each student will decide the value of what is offered. Those of us who have been studying know how profoundly interesting and helpful the information has been.

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Call 916-455-1217 or email info@humortimes.com for more information.

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Use the form on page 3. A Gift Certificate will be sent in your name if you wish. Or order online at HumorTimes.com and get a buck off!

“One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.” – Plato

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Issue #259

July, 2013

The News…in Cartoons!

Formerly the Comic Press News

Wear your elic ched tie-dye & psyes! ss la g

®

presents

The

(About half a subscripthat with tion!)

®

The great national-touring political comedian, Will Durst, “the thinking man's comic,” turns his trademark biting wit inward from politics to an inspired take on his generation, in a new, critically acclaimed, multi-media (!) show:

BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG This all-new show is a tribute to the history, growth, achievements, joys and the looming doom of the Baby Boom Generation in today's youth-obsessed society.

Durst explores the Boomers’ revolutions, evolutions and self-inflicted contusions, while detailing how to lose the fear of aging and embrace the wrinkles. He also promises to shamelessly stroke the egos of the self-described “Most Important Generation” through such segments as: •The Brightside of Xtreme Maturity •Hope I Die Before I Get … Oh, Too Late, Plug Me In •Racing from the Shadow of a Mushroom Cloud •Everything You Wanted to Know About Decrepitude but Were Afraid to Ask •Hey You Punks, Get Off My Wireless Router!

It’s a celebration of the maturation of the Boomer Nation.

Special Note: Due to the graphic nature and startlingly archaic technology, children under the age of 40 will not be admitted unless accompanied by a guardian. We apologize for any inconvenience!

Exclusive Sacramento Engagement!

Friday, August 23rd, 7:00pm at the Sierra II Center’s 24th Street Theatre, 2791 24th St., Sacramento 6:00-6:50pm: Complimentary drinks, including beer & wine, will be served at a hosted bar before the show in the Garden Room and adjoining outdoor patio, adjacent to the Theatre.

Tickets: $20 ($25 preferred seating) in advance; $25/$30 at the door Available at: The Beat, 1700 J St, Sacramento and on our Secure Online Order Form, at www.omsoft.com/secure/humortimes/events/eventform.asp For more information or to order over the phone: 916-455-1217 • info@humortimes.com The Sierra II Center has two free parking lots: The Castro Way lot and the 4th Ave lot. Please observe parking signs on the surrounding streets. Neither the Center nor the show’s presenters will be held responsible for parking tickets.

Thanks to our CoSponsor: Hoppy Brewing Company 6300 Folsom Blvd.

916-451-4677

22+ Years of the Very Best in Political Satire from the finest cartoonists & writers!