Humor Times, August 2013

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” – Benjamin Franklin

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Issue #260

August, 2013

The News…in Cartoon Form!

Formerly the Comic Press News

Wear your elic ched tie-dye & psyes! ss la g

(About half a subscripthat with tion!)

®

presents

The

®

Five-time Emmy nominee, national-touring political comedian, Will Durst, “the thinking man's comic,” turns his trademark biting wit inward from politics to an inspired take on his generation, in a new, critically acclaimed, multi-media (!) show:

BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG This all-new show is a tribute to the history, growth, achievements, joys and the looming doom of the Baby Boom Generation in today's youth-obsessed society.

Durst explores the Boomers’ revolutions, evolutions and self-inflicted contusions, while detailing how to lose the fear of aging and embrace the wrinkles. He promises to shamelessly stroke the egos of the selfdescribed “Most Important Generation” through such segments as: •The Brightside of Xtreme Maturity •Hope I Die Before I Get … Oh, Too Late, Plug Me In •Racing from the Shadow of a Mushroom Cloud •Everything You Wanted to Know About Decrepitude but Were Afraid to Ask •Hey You Punks, Get Off My Wireless Router!

It’s a celebration of the maturation of the Boomer Nation.

Special Note: Due to the graphic nature and startlingly archaic technology, children under the age of 40 will not be admitted unless accompanied by a guardian. We apologize for any inconvenience!

Exclusive Sacramento Engagement!

Friday, August 23rd, 7:00pm at the Sierra II Center’s 24th Street Theatre, 2791 24th St., Sacramento 6:00-6:50pm: Complimentary drinks, including beer & wine, will be served at a hosted bar before the show in the Garden Room and outdoor patio, adjacent to the Theatre.

Tickets: $20 ($25 preferred seating) in advance; $25/$30 at the door Available through Brown Paper Tickets: humortimes.brownpapertickets.com or 800-838-3006.

For more information: 916-455-1217 • info@humortimes.com The Sierra II Center has two free parking lots: The Castro Way lot and the 4th Ave lot. Please observe parking signs on the surrounding streets. Neither the Center nor the show’s presenters will be held responsible for parking tickets.

Thanks to our CoSponsor: Hoppy Brewing Company 6300 Folsom Blvd.

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HUMOR TIMES

photo by epsos.de

August, 2013

Editor’s Letter

Deals & Discounts!

It’s a crazy world, and it just seems to keep getting crazier. Corporate-sponsored laws are written by lobbyists, introduced and voted on with nary an edit. No surprise – these laws benefit the 1% who own the corporations that wrote the bills!

Many are designed to skirt environmental responsibility, like the fracking laws being introduced and passed in statehouses all over the country. These laws conveniently make it a secret which toxic chemicals are injected into the ground, later showing up in our water.

Most of these laws are submitted to puppet lawmakers by the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC), a lobbying front group for major corporations.

Other laws they push include strict anti-immigrant laws that benefit the corrupt private prison industry, Voter ID laws that make it harder for minorities and the poor to vote, and of course, the infamous “Stand Your Ground” laws that have now been passed in one form or another in over two dozen states, with others considering them, benefitting the NRA, naturally.

Florida’s version of this insidious law allowed George Zimmerman to get away with stalking and killing a black teenager, who committed the crime of walking while black with a hoodie on, armed with skittles and – believe it or not – the sidewalk. Yes, he conveniently and stealthily kept that lethal sidewalk with him wherever he went! (The defense actually held that the sidewalk was Trayvon Martin’s weapon.) A study by Texas A&M economics professors found that the adoption of stand-your-ground laws caused a statistically significant increase in the raw homicide rate, and had only a very small positive effect on deterrence of crime.

Check out the informative article, “The Most Dangerous ‘Model’ Laws Written by ALEC,” at ecowatch.com/2013/dangerous-model-laws-alec for more info on this ongoing anti-democratic sham of an organization.

On a lighter note, don’t forget, the Humor Times is presenting five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst, performing his all-new show, BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG! It’s assigned seating, so get your tickets early for the best spots!

The event is happening Friday, August 23rd, at Sierra II Center’s 24th Street Theatre, 2791 24th Street, Sacramento. Complimentary drinks will be served at a hosted bar in the garden room and courtyard adPolitical comedian Will Durst, depicted as Uncle Sam. jacent to the theater before the show!

Please note: We mistakenly announced tickets would be available through The Beat in the last issue, but sadly, they have gone out of business. Instead, all tickets are available through Brown Paper Tickets, humortimes.brownpapertickets.com or by phoning 800-838-3006.

Tickets can be held at will-call, or mailed to you first class at no additional charge.

You also have the option of printing them at home (the bar code will be scanned at the event), or having them sent to your mobile phone. See the back cover ad, the article on page 15 and humortimes.com (share it on Facebook, etc!) for more information.

It’s gonna be a blast – don’t miss it! Tell your friends! See you there!

– James Israel, Publisher/editor

The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 22, Issue 260, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603.

Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217.

Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Argus Hamilton, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2013. No part may be reproduced without permission.

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August, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

3

Stalk Your Prey, Then Kill Them Stand Your Ground We’ve come a long way in America...

or have we?

In Florida, you have the right to stand your ground...

if you can.

It’s a popular law with some...

but the NRA stayed strangely silent on this one.

Meanwhile, the trial has not done much to relieve tensions. (continued)

4

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2013

These “rights” they claim in Florida...

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HUMOR TIMES

5

Yellow Roses and Pink Sneakers Hold your horses, little ladies, Texas lawmen have your best interests at heart!

Normally when the general public ponders Texas, a whole lot of big sky and rugged individualism and generosity of spirit springs to mind. The thought of progressive politics is probably farther away than Bedouin olive trays are to an armadillo. But that’s exactly what’s going on right now as the country’s most heroic representatives try their darndest to protect the Lone Star State’s most precious commodity. The lives of our precious yellow roses. Our lady folk.

Things have gotten hotter than a stolen load of chili peppers on I-10 during rush hour since a couple of Texas state troopers respectfully confiscated one or two tampons from female gallery members during a legislative debate on a bill that would guarantee the medical safety of prairie princesses in trouble who have lost their way. And now, a whole slew of crazy-with-the-heat Eastern busybody biddies have gone and made a big ole fuss over what was an itty-bitty little thing. You ask me, some of these gals are more confused than a flock of starving goats on AstroTurf.

Because, hooo weee, all hell broke loose three ways to Sunday. From the pitch of their yell, you’d have thunk the barn burned down, the creek dried up and the plow done broke. Hold

your horses, little ladies. No sense making a mountain out of a molehill. Don’t you get it? All we’re doing is looking after your best interests here. Simmer the heck down before you bust a bustle.

Every decent god fearing person across this grand land agrees that abortions are a crime against nature and we’re just following the lead of you darn liberals so intent on protecting people from themselves. No need to get your petticoats in a bundle. If loving you is wrong, we don’t want to be right.

You know what happened? Its funny, you’re going to laugh like a mule in a whore house. What it was, was — a big old misunderstanding. We were worried that a few no-good, professional Yankee rabble-rousers might whip our meadow treasures into some hysterical frenzy that would cause those ranch jewels to start tossing feminine products from the balcony. And you and I and he and she all want that the same way turkeys want trousers.

Little darlings, you got to believe us, your welfare is our only concern. And that is why... we let the boys with the guns in. See, the whole dang thing was done with your protection in mind. Listen here. Don’t get your dander up. This situation only marginally concerns you. This is politics, and it’s complicated: a lot more going on than you need to know about. Don’t you worry your pretty

WILL DURST

little heads, we got the situation under control like 40 pitchforks on a haystack.

You just sit back and let us men folk take care of everything. If you really want to help, why not bake us up a nice plate of those award-winning peanut butter cookies of yours? Honey, don’t you pay those commie pinko lesbians no never good mind. They’re more full of wind than a bean-eating horse. Some of those gals make hornets look cuddly. And you go right on wearing those pink sneakers if it suits you. All us good ol’ boys think they sure look cute.

Gay Marriage & Rainbow Babies The U.S. Supreme Court must love the nightlife, because they just struck down the Defense of Marriage Act and invalidated California’s Proposition 8, which set off parties in every major city in America. They were dancing in the streets so long and hard it was raining men… and women. 10,000 kudos to all our friends in the LGBT community for finally upgrading out of societal steerage into economy.

You have survived. Your hearts must be so over the rainbow, both the hearts and the rainbows are having babies right now. Cakes are being baked and balloons blown in your honor as we speak. You are one notarized slip of paper away from joining the heterosexual world in holy matrimony. Congratulations. You now have the legal right to be as miserable as the rest of us.

So sorry you had to wait. The deal is, a lot of bitter old people had to die first. You know. Tiny-brained folks that went to their last dance still believing professional wrestling is legitimate. So maybe this time, the answer to your question “do you really want to hurt me” will be a resoundingly choral “no.”

But that is nothing more than wet towels on the shower floor at the YMCA now, because you are within a hair’s breadth of becoming intimate with the blessed institution of marriage. You are family — almost. And many have shown interest in voluntary commitment to that institution. Good luck. But be careful what you wish for. Don’t want to rain on your parade, but you’ve just entered the wild and wacky world of unintended consequences.

A quick and dirty primer for the wedding deprived: #1. Bigamy is the crime of having one spouse too many.

The same has often been said of monogamy. #2. When you see a married couple holding hands, chances are it’s to keep from strangling each other. #3. In the beginning, marriage is a noun. Later on, it’s a sentence. #4. After a few years, the only thing most couples have in common is they were married on the same day. #5. Marriage may be a blessed sacrament, but so are the last rites.

And don’t forget, as beautiful and sacred as the start of a marriage can be, that’s how ugly and grotesque the ending can get. The bad news is 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. The good news is the other 50 percent end in death.

There’s truth in the old adage that the reason divorces are so expensive is because they’re worth it.

Alimony. Child support. In-laws. Headaches. Jealousy, betrayal, money. Hair in the sink. Puce cabinets. All that to look forward to: plus you are in imminent danger of experiencing direct contact with lawyers. The remakes of that 1934 Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire classic, “The Gay Divorcee” will be legion. But you will make even divorce look fabulous.

So, right now, relax. Tell yourself, “I’m too sexy for any downer talk.” Take a walk on the wild side, because you’re coming out to be Dancing Queens and Kings. Just wake me up before you go-go. Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. Sorry. Couldn’t figure out how to slip that in. And what the hell, join the Navy.

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst‘s new one-man show, “Boomeraging: From LSD to OMG” is coming to Sacramento, Friday, August 23rd! See the ad, back cover, and humortimes.com for more details, and for reserving your seats (assigned seating, so get yours early!). Complimentary drinks will be served before the event.

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HUMOR TIMES

August, 2013

They Can Hear You Now The USA feels different these days...

and not in a good way.

The gov’t is in love with its technology...

and likes keeping tabs on everyone.

Edward Snowden seems to be stuck in limbo...

but Putin is enjoying the game...

and the irony.

August, 2013

But why are we at war with whistleblowers?

HUMOR TIMES

7

The Hightower Lowdown “Helping Hands” Helping Themselves The word “help” is so uplifting, conveying our best humanitarian values. How odd, then, to see it used in this New York Times headline: “Banks’ Lobbyists Help in Drafting Financial Bills.”

I’ll bet they did! We all know how altruistic, beneficent and kindhearted Wall Street lobbyists are — when it comes to helping themselves, that is. The article explains that a small army of high-dollar influence-peddlers are not merely asking our lawmakers to free big banks from pesky rules that limit their reckless greed, but instead the lobbyists are helping to write the laws themselves.

There’s that word again. In this case, “helping to write” is a euphemism for “dictating” the language, turning the members of Congress into obedient stenographers.

For example, one key bill that zipped out of the House finance committee in May is essentially a do-it-yourself lawmaking product of Citigroup. In a concise 85 lines, it exempts big chunks of dangerously high-risk Wall Street speculation from any bothersome regulation.

More than 70 of those 85 lines were penned by

Citigroup lobby ists with “help” from other banks. The committee even copied two key paragraphs word for word from the language that Citigroup handed to the members.

This group of DIY bill-writers insists that nothing is amiss here — we’re not trying to gut the Wall Street reform package passed just three years ago, they say, we’re simply trying to reach “a compromise.” I was born at night, but it wasn’t last night! The 2010 reforms were a compromise, and the American people would like to see them made much tougher, not weaker.

Wall Street, of course, feels entitled to snake inside, assume the role of lawmaker and pervert the public will. As one lobbyist puts it, “We will provide input if we see a bill we have interest in.” After all, they just want to help.

But why are our elected solons so willing to buddy up with such self-serving helpers? Here’s one member of Congress who finds the whole relationship distressing: “It’s appalling,” said Rep. Jim Himes, D-Conn., talking about the money that special interests stuff in the pockets of lawmakers. “It’s disgusting … and it opens the pos si bil ity of con flicts of in ter est and corruption,” he added.

So, naturally, he promptly joined the disgusting system that has turned our Capitol into a wide-open bazaar for buying and selling legislative favors.

“It’s unfortunately the world we live in,” the Connecticut Democrat shrugged. Even though Himes is only in his third term, he’s become an aggressive trader in this bazaar, heading up fundraising for his fellow Democrats in the U.S. House.

Why him? One, as a member of the committee that oversees Wall Street, he can attract campaign cash like honey attracts flies — especially when big banks are lobbying furiously to get exemptions from legislation that restricts some of their destructive profiteering. Two, Himes has proven to be a trusted ally of the wheeler-dealer bankers, supporting their dereg bills. And three, he is one of them, having been made a millionaire as a Goldman Sachs banker.

Republicans are totally in Wall Street’s pocket, but Democrats are sinking into it, too.

With the admirable exception of Rep. Maxine Waters, D-Calif., and a handful of other Dems who stood with consumers, most Democrats on the committee joined every Republican member

JIM HIGHTOWER in May to do the bank lobby’s bidding.

Six days later, Himes’ fundraising operation arranged for the seven freshmen Democrats on the committee, each of whom had stood with the bankers, to trek up to the heights of Wall Street for a personal bonding session with the CEOs of Goldman Sachs and JPMorgan Chase. Thus are forged the ties that bind.

Hey, Democrats, don’t just deplore this corrupt system, stand with us to overthrow it. To learn how, go to PublicCampaign.org.

Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, “Taxes are what we pay for a civilized society.” … The average Canadian is now wealthier than the average American. Their far more efficient and effective tax-based health care system is part of the reason.

– Philip Caper, Bangor Daily News, Saturday, 22 June 2013

Health Scare

8

Despite the best intentions...

Obamacare isn’t working for Republicans.

Red state governors refuse to implement it...

and are sure it will fail.

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2013

Red State

Blue State

Speaker Boehner felt the wrath of his own party...

Weiner and Spitzer are looking to make comebacks...

with each making a big impression...

a party that finds itself in disarray.

inspiring the whole city.

Meanwhile, Perry announced he won’t run again...

and will leave behind an explosive legacy.

August, 2013

Meanwhile, Obama is still preaching to the choir.

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!” iPhone 5 Cancelled, Apple Re-releases Original Palm Pilot Basic Palm Pilot seen as glitchfree product to reboot company Apple CEO Tim Cook, looking to go in another direction with the company, revealed his plans to reboot the very first PDA ever created: the human palm. He’s calling it OPP. After rigorous testing – including on live television – the OPP is ready to reboot Apple.

A spokesman for the company asked the press in attendance if they were “down with OPP,” and strangely enough all of them echoed in refrain: “Yeah, you know me.”

Mr. Cook explained that they are discontinuing the iPhone 5 (and all other iPhones for that matter) in an attempt to both cut down on costs and make the company more “human.”

Prototype iPhone Palm Pilot tested by Sarah Palin.

This dras tic de vi a tion from such high-tech prod ucts as the iPad and iPhone–products that pushed the boundaries of technology, design, and ways to play Angry Birds–has come as a complete surprise to many. Some are even questioning the new CEO’s ability to keep his company current.

“Yeah, I think this is a real step back, not just for Apple, but for the industry as a whole,” said a spokesman for Gizmodo.

“They go from iCloud to this? And how do they expect it to work with iCloud anyway?

Are people supposed to plug a USB into their hands? Stupid.”

According to the announcement, since this new device is not available online, customers who wish to purchase the retro palm pilot should seek out their local Apple retailer, where a store employee will draw the Apple logo on the back of their hand.

The Apple spokesman also revealed that former political aspirant, Sarah Palin, will act as a celebrity model/promoter of the new product.

“Mrs. Palin, like many people in America, has been using her hand for this very purpose for quite some time. And though we are not endorsing her politics, we are definitely endorsing her palm.”

Re ported by Hu mor Times Se nior Backwards Technology Correspondent, Jeff Boldt.

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Sarah Palin Ponders Half-Term Senate Run “Like a mama grizzly, I’ll have to go hibernate part way through,” says Palin A Humor Times Exclusive Report porting. You know, polls are for strippers and Sarah Palin, who served half a term as gover- cross-country skiers.” nor of Alaska – quitting after an unsuccessful “But having half the popularity I used to have, bid on the Republican presidential ticket with that’s perfect – since I only plan on completing John McCain in 2008 – half a term any way. It’s says she might run against how I roll, how I stay Alaska Sen. Mark Begich fresh,” she added. in 2014. “People have rePalin told Hannity that quested me considering she is frustrated with the it,” she said, in one of her Re pub li ca n Party, and trade mark Palinisms, would consider starting a speaking to Sean Hannity “Freedom Party.” “But, as on Fox recently. you know, free dom ain’t Palin has strong backfree, so I’ll need some big ing from a trifecta of supdonations to get it going,” port ers: Tea Partyers, she said. “How about it, Tea editorial cartoonists and Partyers? Oh, that’s right, Palin: “Even mama grizzlies need their rest.” comedians. The latter two you all have a party…” groups would likely put in a lot of volunteer “Anyway, I’d prefer not to have a squirmish time for her – if for no other reason, as a ca- with Republicans, so they need to start acting like reer-boosting move.

Republicans,” Sarah Palin said, “rather than “Sarah Palin would be strong for the econ- wishy-washilly considering flawed immigration omy, and for jobs – at least ours,” said Lester reforms and not flusterbustering enough. But unCornball, head of the Comedians and Cartoon- til they do, that’s why I too am not knowing.” ists for Political Candidates We Can Make Fun “You know, the planks in the GOP platform are Of (CCPCWCMFO) union. “In fact, we can’t right for this country. I stand strong on those think of a better candidate in the entire country.” planks. And I’m willing to walk right out there on “While she wouldn’t ordinarily accept finan- one, and take the party with me.” cial or other help from unions, we hope she’ll “Shoot, I’m itchin’ like a mama grizzly to make an exception in our case. Palin is, after all, make some doggoned good speeches on the an exceptional case,” Cornball said. s tump. A nd I don’t ne e d n o s t i n k i n ’ Ms. Palin told Hannity that after some time teleprompters,” she said, reading her palm. off to recharge and make some big bucks off her “Also, too, I want to help clean up the state that national popularity, she’s ready to dive back is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a cominto politics. mu ni ca tions de gree,” Palin told a stunned “Hey, I used to have an 80 percent approval Hannity. rating in Alaska, ya know. You betcha,” she Ed. Note: We’d like to thank Ms. Palin for said. “Sure, by early 2013 it was down to 34 per- helping us with this fake news article. Many of the cent. But that’s just the lamestream media re- quotes are real – see if you can guess which ones!

Venezuela, Nicaragua, and Bolivia offer asylum to George Zimmerman

Kim and Kanye Name Baby ‘North West’ Because ‘Latitude’ and ‘Longitude’ Taken “At least we didn’t name it ‘North By Northwest!’” – Kanye West Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, forever in the public eye, recently announced the birth and name of their daughter.

According to inside sources, the happy couple, because of aspirations for their daughter to be a global citizen, finally settled on a type of name relating to maps.

But, after realizing that their favorites – Longitude, Lati t ude, and Northern HemiKim and Kanye. sphere – were taken, they went with North West.

For those who would cry foul and accuse Kim and Kanye of being just another celebrity couple who are parenting their kid for the press and media attention and not actually in the interests of the child, you are obviously not thinking this through.

The answer is solidarity. If celebrities start naming their kids normal names now, then what about all the other kids with crazy names? It would clearly ostracize these little ones.

So, for the sake of the children, good on Kim and Kanye. For when their child star sits in their very expensive private school seat and has their name called, they will feel nothing but warm camaraderie and kinship as they hear other unconventional names. Names like Apple, Grass, Teleprompter and Yes. Reported by Humor Times Senior Baby Name Correspondent, Jeff Boldt.

LA PAZ, BOLIVIA - Following the concluThe Bolivian government was first to offer sion of his murder trial, George Zimmerman was Zimmerman asylum, sending a diplomatic envoy offered asylum by the South American countries to Florida before he was even charged. “There of Venezuela, Nicaragua and are many reasons we seek to Bolivia. The nations have each shelter those who want asydeclared that Zimmerman can lum,” said Bolivian Vice Presitake immediate residency in dent Álvaro García Linera. their lands without any fear of “But in this case, the overreprisal. whelming reason is a shortage “Mr. Zimmerman is welof well-suited mall cops in our come in our country,” said Niccountry. We thought that if we araguan Secretary of brought Mr. Zimmerman to In ter na tional Law Manuel Bolivia, the quasi-security elite Rosario. “We would like the of the world would quickly folinternational community to see low, and we would have the safthat Nic a ra gua is a ma jor e s t food co ur ts in t he player in the world’s asylum continent.” seeker scene. You don’t have Russian President Vladimir to go all the way to Russia to Putin, who is con sid er ing have protection. We also have Zimmerman is said to be weighing grant ing asy lum sta tus to his options. much nicer weather and your A me r i c a n l e a k e r E d w a r d dollar will go much further.”

Snowden, has warned the South American countries to be careful what they wish for. “Keeping an American in asylum status isn’t easy,” explained Putin. “I don’t think anyone realizes how much the average American needs to eat in a day.

We’re gonna go broke trying to make sure this guy gets enough junk food to make it through a day without collapsing. And that Zimmerman character, he looks like he could put away a ton of skittles – er, sorry – junk food.”

“Mr. Zimmerman, on our soil you can breathe free,” said Venezuelan State Department official Carlos Alvarez. “You can rest assured that, even though you have been declared not guilty, you can live a life in Venezuela free from the worst of all persecutions: being pestered by cable news talk show hosts.”

Reported by DerfMagazine.com.

Surgeon General Warning: Humor Times Habit-Forming Surgeon General Re gina Benjamin, MD, warned readers about the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter, upsetting weaker stomachs.

“We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’ but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America,” she cautioned.

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HUMOR TIMES

August, 2013

Supremely Arrogant The Supreme Court threw decades-old precedent...

saying that the South had learned its lesson.

Scalia said it was time to move on...

and that the law should be equally applied.

With racism washed away...

Florida moved quickly to institute changes...

and so did the high court.

August, 2013

Then it was back to business as usual.

HUMOR TIMES

13

Recovering from the Recovery The Fed said the economy is doing good...

reassuring all Americans.

A new class of high school grads looked ahead...

while those already in college looked worried.

The Farm Bill was stripped of Food Stamp provisions...

Detroit tried declaring bankruptcy...

14

worrying many with limited incomes.

and the so-called recovery was still jobless.

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2013

A Gay Day The Supreme Court gay marriage decision...

pissed off some people...

The Humor Times Presents Will Durst and His All-New Show, “Boomeraging from LSD to OMG” You don’t have to be a baby boomer to enjoy year and writing a nationally syndicated humor five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new column, which has run in this publication for 20 one-man show, “BoomeRaging from LSD to years.

OMG.” In fact, the younger generation loves to “I tell a lot of jokes – every line has a joke or laugh at boomers, and Durst is here to help you word play or a call back,” Durst says. “I spent do just that!

32 years in stand up, and I The show is drawing learned a lot of ways to rave reviews in San Frantell a joke. And I’m able to cisco, and will soon be do a joke every line and coming to Sacramento, in also propel the narrative.” an exclusive engagement Jean Schiffman of the San Francisco Examiner presented by the Humor says, “Durst’s good-naTimes. The one-nighttured, acerbic monologue only show happens Friis so funny that about midday, August 23rd, at Siway through … I found erra II Center’s 24th Street myself on the verge of unTheatre, 2791 24th St., con trol la ble, hys ter i cal Sacramento. Complimenlaughter.” tary drinks will be served Getting old can be deat a hosted bar in the garpressing, but Durst’s show den room and courtyard is a moral-booster for his adjacent to the theater beaudience. “I am not as old fore the show. as my parents were when Durst is clearly enjoythey were my age,” he ing performing his new quips. “This is the oldest show, calling it “liberatWill Durst.

I’ve ever been ... and I’m ing” – perhaps because he gets to climb out of his long-standing role as po- beginning to sense a pattern.”

As Schiffman notes, “He promises to reveal litical comic, and just riff on his life – and by exten sion, a whole gen er a tion. Boom ers are the meaning of life at the end, and it is indeed a wonderfully uplifting finale. Grab your hearing certainly relating to his new material.

The show is about the travails of what Durst aids and canes and see for yourself.” calls being “chronologically gifted,” or “what Seating is assigned, so reserve your tickets happens when acid flashbacks meet dementia.”

Durst noted that people often remember only now for the best spots! Tickets (which include the good things about the past, so doing a show complimentary drinks), are $20/$25 advance or about a whole generation is somewhat cathartic. $25/$30 at the door. They are available online at “I’m still at the point where I’m aging but I humortimes.brownpapertickets.com, or by calldon’t feel like I’m aged,” he says. “I can still see ing 1-800-838-3006.

Tickets can be held at will-call, or mailed to the humor about becoming older.”

Of course, today’s world is a very different you first class at no additional charge. You also one from the one boomers grew up in, and that have the option of printing them at home (the alone presents a lot of material. “Everybody has bar code will be scanned at the event), or having the nostalgia for not being so frenetic as we are them sent to your mobile phone. For more info, go to humortimes.com. now. Today’s pace is a bitch,” he notes.

Durst is a five-time Emmy nominee who still works hard, performing hundreds of shows a

but most were quite happy...

celebrating equality.

ADVERTISE IN THE HUMOR TIMES! • 916-455-1217 • info@humortimes.com August, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

15

Deep Fried

Thorny Issue

Celebrity chef Paula Deen has a fervent following...

Republicans support immigration...

but told some “off-color� jokes, shall we say...

prevention.

Their strategy is solid...

which have hurt her reputation...

and they love to show their soft side.

and may have cooked her goose.

16

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2013

Miscellaneous Mischief

August, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

17

18

HUMOR TIMES

August, 2013

Rosicrucian.org • Study wisdom from scholars and mystics throughout history; ancient to present.

• Work on improving yourself to follow your own “master within.”

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The Rosicrucian Order is a worldwide fraternal organization of men and women dedicated to studying the teaching of great mystical minds from all time periods and cultures. We do not promote any single religion, or dogma or philosophy. Each student will decide the value of what is offered. Those of us who have been studying know how profoundly interesting and helpful the information has been.

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Use the form on page 3. A Gift Certificate will be sent in your name if you wish. Or order online at HumorTimes.com and get a buck off!

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Issue #260

August, 2013

The News…in Cartoon Form!

Formerly the Comic Press News

Wear your elic ched tie-dye & psyes! ss la g

(About half a subscripthat with tion!)

®

presents

The

®

Five-time Emmy nominee, national-touring political comedian, Will Durst, “the thinking man's comic,” turns his trademark biting wit inward from politics to an inspired take on his generation, in a new, critically acclaimed, multi-media (!) show:

BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG This all-new show is a tribute to the history, growth, achievements, joys and the looming doom of the Baby Boom Generation in today's youth-obsessed society.

Durst explores the Boomers’ revolutions, evolutions and self-inflicted contusions, while detailing how to lose the fear of aging and embrace the wrinkles. He promises to shamelessly stroke the egos of the selfdescribed “Most Important Generation” through such segments as: •The Brightside of Xtreme Maturity •Hope I Die Before I Get … Oh, Too Late, Plug Me In •Racing from the Shadow of a Mushroom Cloud •Everything You Wanted to Know About Decrepitude but Were Afraid to Ask •Hey You Punks, Get Off My Wireless Router!

It’s a celebration of the maturation of the Boomer Nation.

Special Note: Due to the graphic nature and startlingly archaic technology, children under the age of 40 will not be admitted unless accompanied by a guardian. We apologize for any inconvenience!

Exclusive Sacramento Engagement!

Friday, August 23rd, 7:00pm at the Sierra II Center’s 24th Street Theatre, 2791 24th St., Sacramento 6:00-6:50pm: Complimentary drinks, including beer & wine, will be served at a hosted bar before the show in the Garden Room and outdoor patio, adjacent to the Theatre.

Tickets: $20 ($25 preferred seating) in advance; $25/$30 at the door Available through Brown Paper Tickets: humortimes.brownpapertickets.com or 800-838-3006.

For more information: 916-455-1217 • info@humortimes.com The Sierra II Center has two free parking lots: The Castro Way lot and the 4th Ave lot. Please observe parking signs on the surrounding streets. Neither the Center nor the show’s presenters will be held responsible for parking tickets.

Thanks to our CoSponsor: Hoppy Brewing Company 6300 Folsom Blvd.

916-451-4677

22+ Years of the Very Best in Political Satire from the finest cartoonists & writers!