Humor Times, Oct 2013

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October, 2013

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HUMOR TIMES

October, 2013

Editor’s Letter To paraphrase Ronald Reagan, “There they go again!”

I think even the ol’ Gipper would be ashamed of his party these days. What do they think they’re doing, threatening to “shut down” the government over a law which was democratically passed (the Affordable Care Act, aka “Obamacare”), with many of their own party voting for it?

That’s not governing, that’s pure obstruction, and worse, destruction, of U.S. credit.

If they do it, it will be disastrous for our standing in the world and for an economy that is struggling mightily (also due to a large degree to more obstruction, in areas such as jobs bills, stimulus, etc).

Do they think they’re helping themselves for the 2014 congressional elections? It’s despicable behavior regardless. But it’s a highly dubious strategy anyway, even if they have gerrymandered the districts in many states. The American public is sick of the torched-earth tactics destroying their economy. They see through it, and it will backfire.

The Republican party of the early 21st century has allowed itself to be overtaken by the radical right, known these days as the “Tea Party,” a supposedly grassroots group that never really was. It’s been corporate sponsored from the start, funded by the Koch brothers, et al, and steered into rooting for everything the 1% wants. The good thing is even the most loyal Tea Partiers are bound to see through the charade eventually.

Hey, Congressional Republicans, here’s an idea: how about doing what’s right for the country? How about helping to get the economy back on track, no matter who’s in the White House? It’s well past time to get over losing the presidency.

How about doing something for the working people of this country, by reigning in Wall Street and the big banks, who together ran this country into the ground with their reckless behavior back when G.W. Bush was leaving office? Instead, the GOP has worked to weaken any kind of meaningful reform, and the “too big to fail” financial institutions are even bigger, and now supposedly “too big to jail.”

How about coming to grips with reality, which is that global warming is real, and we need to transition to alternative energy as fast as we possibly can – investment in which, by the way, would do a tremendous amount to strengthen the economy.

How about doing right, instead of just leaning far right, for a change?

– James Israel, Publisher/editor

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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 22, Issue 262, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Argus Hamilton, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

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October, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

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War Lite It was a hard sell...

but these are hard-core salesmen.

Finally, Obama made a tough call...

which nearly set off a panic.

Congress deliberated...

saying he was just being a typical ruthless dictator.

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while Assad denied...

To be sure, it’s not easy to pick sides. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2013

Putin jumped into the fray...

providing an out for Obama...

which he considered carefully...

thus avoiding war, which surprised everyone.

Putin used an op-ed in the NY Times to great effect...

chastising America.

He hopes to continue to express himself...

October, 2013

as America continues to vacillate.

HUMOR TIMES

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The World’s Policeman Stops for a Donut Well, this is odd. The heck with an exit strategy. We can’t even work out an admittance maneuver. The automatic door-opener that proved so reliable for presidents past has short-circuited and keeps slamming shut whenever Barack Obama tries to enter the war store with his empty shopping cart.

Or maybe he’s angling to be known as the architect of the modern war. A new kind with intermissions. So he augmented the fast lane with a flashing red. We got ourselves a chief executive more comfortable hitting the pause button than fast-forward. The world’s policeman stopped for a donut. And he might just linger at the counter to flirt with the waitress.

Intent on bringing experience as father of two young girls to the international stage, the president is punishing Syrian President Bashar al-Assad by giving him a time-out. Yeah, that’ll send a message. “Use chemical weapons on your own people and no more milk and cookies for you. And if I hear one more word about human shields, mister, you are grounded for eternity plus two weeks.”

To all the people accusing the president of sending mixed messages, so sorry for the rain delay in your regularly scheduled war.

Hope the postponement of the cessation of human life hasn’t inconvenienced you. But you have a point. First he calls for tar-

geted punitive strikes against the Assad government. Then, not so much. He zigs. He zags. Instead of shock and awe, we get talk and law. How dare Obama stop and think before he bombs? Clearly he’s conflicted by the concept of conflict.

Must be what all those liberals refer to as… diplomacy. As alien as methane rain. Some sort of socialist stunt. Which we red blooded Americans find disconcerting. The Bushes were resolute. Once their minds were set, they stayed set. Like concrete.

Even Clinton was rather lunkish. This guy, however, is limber and fluid. Much like a strawberry smoothie. Deliberation before liberation. Could set a troubling precedent.

Meanwhile, the public is confused. Exactly why are we sticking our noses up more Mideast skirts? Again. Don’t we already have enough going on over here? And there? Of course, you think we’re war-weary, you should talk to the Syrians. The rebels aren’t just fighting the government, they’re forced to fend off other rebels as well. 3-D civil war from both ends. Squared.

It doesn’t help that everything we know is wrong. Dennis Rodman is flourishing as a Goodwill Ambassador. And Vladimir Putin is now a Peace Advocate. What’s next: Kim Kardashian, the Molecular Chemistry Consultant? Mike Tyson — Poet Laureate?

Tim Tebow — NFL Quarterback?

WILL DURST

Putin offering to help is as suspicious as the wet spot on a veterinary couch. But at least we can trust Russia to tell the rest of the world whether Assad is lying about the strength and size of his chemical weapons cache. After all, they sold him the stuff.

Meanwhile, Congress slipped off the decision hook like a flippy-floppy flounder. For one brief shining moment, they can stop worrying about being nailed down on “support a strike” or “not support a strike” and get back to the important business of this country… voting to repeal Obamacare. Again.

Pied Piper of the Potomac Got to forgive presidential and congressional staffers for covering their ears and singing “la la la” at the top of their lungs, as everyone pretends not to be knee-deep in the icky, tricky, sticky Syria situation. You might say Washington is in a Semi-Syrious mode right now. And a Semi-Not-So-Syrious mode.

Simultaneously.

Because this whole affair is riddled with enigmas and mysteries enough to make Winston Churchill spin his conundrums right off. And rumor has it, he harbored huge conundrums.

Demonstrating resolve in the face of chemical weapons, Barack Obama weaves through the media like Gumby’s drunken brother in a wind tunnel. Unfamiliar territory for a chief executive who never learned how to play both sides against the middle. For four and a half years, he’s been a facilitator with nothing and nobody to facilitate. All he needed was a facilitatee.

And now there’s a war. Not a leftover war. His war. A new war. Good Obama. Bad Obama. Boots. No boots. Barefoot. 30 days. 300 days. 3000 days. He loves us. He loves us not. Yes. No. Maybe. Better be prepared to give that Nobel Peace Prize back.

The Pied Piper of the Potomac is blowing a patriotic tune, dancing figure-8s up and down the M.C. Escher staircase that is Capitol Hill. Deadly determined to do the right thing; if only he knew what it was.

The intelligence is solid, but we can’t put our sources at risk divulging it. We know what we need to know, but don’t know everything. A red line in the sand has been crossed.

Then again, sand is a lousy conductor of paint. Don’t want to go to war but can’t be seen as backing down. Must take military action to advance the cause of peace.

Made his decision but seeking Congressional approval.

Doesn’t need it. Wants it. Might use it. Then again, maybe not. Could very well follow their advice or just start bombing tomorrow. Or not. If Joe Biden agrees. Which he will.

Probably.

Meanwhile, Republicans are torn between their innate hatred of Obama and eternal love of bombing the crap out of the Middle East. This is an important vote, but not enough to encourage anyone to come back from recess early. Boehner and Cantor approve a limited punitive strike, but other Republicans aren’t obligated to follow their lead. Their smile says yes. But their eyes say no.

Internationally, the president prefers cooperation but is willing to go it alone. The Arab League is fine with it, but can’t give permission. England is not in on this with us, but we might want to call back later. Obama has to punish Bashar Al Assad but doesn’t trust the rebels as far as he could throw Portugal. Worried about rattling sabers but can’t afford to look like a wuss. If he wants to hang with Putin.

And finally, what America really needs to understand; this is all about Syria crossing a line. Then again, it’s mostly about Iran. And Hezbollah. Not to mention Russian and Chinese entanglements. And don’t forget Israel. Or Saudi Arabia. Does the term Afghanistan ring a bell? Qatar? And just on a side note, does Qatar call their national airline — Air Qatar? They should. Syriously.

Recipient of seven consecutive nominations for Stand-Up of the Year, Will Durst’s new one-man show, “Boomer Aging: From LSD to OMG,” is presented every Tuesday at The Marsh, San Francisco. Go to themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.

SOAPBOX! with Jeanie

Keltner “Intelligent Talk” Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento And on the first & fifth Wednesdays of the month, catch “The Undernews” at noon on 89.5FM, or online at KVMR.org, for info that doesn’t make the news.

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HUMOR TIMES

October, 2013

Teen Idol Miley Cyrus is a teen idol...

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HUMOR TIMES

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The Hightower Lowdown The Poor Tortured Tomatoes of Agribusiness Warning: Agribusiness is in the lab again, mo lest ing the “mo lec u lar ma chiner ies” of Mother Nature’s tomatoes.

Actually, it’s the already-machined, industrial tomato that lab techs are retinkering. It seems that big produce peddlers have discovered that their red, per fectly-round, tomato-looking fruits are so fla vorless as to constitute consumer fraud. Of course, tomato lovers have known this for years but industry didn’t care, for corporate producers had financial clout to force their products into the supermarket bins so the chain stores offered no choice to shoppers. Buy it and weep.

Indeed, the bland orb was specifically manufactured by land-grant university geneticists to satisfy industry, not consumers. Profiteering middlemen wanted to eliminate small producers and farm workers, grow the crop on huge corporate farms, mechanically harvest it, artificially ripen it, and ship it thousands of miles to markets without rotting. As author Susan DeMarco learned while researching “Hard Tomatoes, Hard Times” in 1972, taste was not even an af-

terthought. When she pointed out to the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s research director that the reconstructed fruit lacked flavor, he considered that irrelevant: “Your children will never know the difference,” he smirked.

But, of course, the children did — they’re the ones who’ve created today’s alternative system of sustainably grown, untampered, locally marketed tomatoes, which have been increasingly taking sales away from the industrial profiteers for the past 20 years. So, has the agribusiness-industrial complex finally learned that high-tech is not always better? Get real!

Actually, they’re getting more unreal, turning again to our tax-funded land-grant researchers to save them from the quality producers.

“I’m 98 percent confident we can make a tomato that tastes substantially better,” Professor Harry Klee exulted to The New York Times last month. He’s head of a team of tomato tinkerers at the University of Florida.

Hmmm. Excuse me, professor, but “substantially better” than what? One of Momma Nature’s own heirloom varieties perhaps? No, no — Klee k now s tha t high-te c h to ma to flavorologists like him can’t get near that qual-

ity. Rather, he’s merely out to endow the industrial, mass-produced fruits of agribusiness with enough tomato-ishy taste to pass as a minimally acceptable version of the real thing.

How? By using a gas chromatograph that serves as an artificial nose to sniff out “flavor volatiles” in real tomatoes. Then, he and his team of geneticists intend to extract a few of the genes that cause a plant to produce flavor and try to place then in in dus try’s man u fac tured creation.

Why do this? It’s all intended to help the corporate powers retake market share and profits they’ve been losing to producers of the natural product.

Where did Klee come from? Monsanto, where he was employed for 11 years to help work on that giant’s bioengineered foods. Now he directs the Institute for Plant Innovation at UF, backed by Monsanto. Klee and company say they hope to develop what’s called “a chemical recipe for the ideal tomato.”

That mission raises another question: “Ideal” for whom? It’ll still be a bland, mass-produced tomato doused with pesticides, machine-harvested while green, and shipped across country.

It’s only ideal for the maximization of corporate profits. And beware, for the tomato is not the only target of this academic, industrial complex.

JIM HIGHTOWER Klee and company are also redoing the blueberry to be, as the Times called it, “crispy, almost apple-like.” Wow, I bet they’ll next try to manufacture apples to be almost blueberry-like.

Final question: Why are land-grant universities frittering away the public’s scarce research on t hese cor po r at e pr o j ect s? Let t he multibillion-dollar industrialists do their own dirty work.

Klee claims that it’s all about “bringing back flavor.” But professor — flavor never left. Go to a farmers market and taste for yourself.

“We must view the corporate capitalists who have seized control of our money, our food, our energy, our education, our press, our health care system and our governance as mortal enemies to be vanquished.”

– Chris Hedges, truthdig.com, March 27, 2011

Unhealthy Fear of Success Republicans are prepared to do whatever it takes...

to overturn an evil democratically-passed law they helped create.

They don’t have much in the way of ideas...

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but they know danger when they see it.

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2013

R.I.P. Middle Class The administration is touting a “recovery”...

but its robustness is debatable.

The GOP says there’s still too much fat...

but both parties say Wall Street is reformed.

Fast food workers are getting fed up...

and just want a fair shake.

The recovery seems slow...

October, 2013

but it’s working very well for some.

HUMOR TIMES

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

FEC Approves 24-Hour Telethons for 2016 Primary Races After working extra hours all weekend, the Federal Election Commission announced early Sunday morning that for the 2016 Republican and Democratic primary races, candidates will be allowed to host two 24-hour fundraising and general campaigning telethons each.

Pres idential c a n d idates will be allowed to host one 24-hour tele thon in a preordained battleground state of their choosing, with the FEC declaring five battleground states two weeks prior to the first televised debate. Candidates that survive Super Tuesday will be allowed to air a second 24-hour telethon, in any state of their choosing or at the national level if their campaign can afford it, one week after Super Tuesday, or at some point between then and their party’s convention.

“With the amount of money these candidates pour into television advertising, we thought it would only be fair if we let them host entire telethons, taking over a whole net work for a solid 24-hours,” explained FEC Chairwoman Ellen L. Weintraub. “Other countries only allow one television ad. But this is America! We’d pit all of them against each other in a reality TV show where the candidates have to eat gross food, dance com pet i tively, an swer trivia questions, and give each other roses if we thought that... wait... I have to cut this interview short, I just had an idea and I need to go write it down!”

The FEC is expected to make rulings on several other topics regarding the 2016 presidential race as well, including a heated debate over whether candidates should be forced to mud wrestle, engage in mixed martial arts bouts, hold a hot dog eating contest, or have a new requirement in televised debates that would add a talent contest element to them.

Reported by Matt Rock, PardonThe Pundit.com

Surgeon General Warning: Humor Times Habit-Forming Surgeon General Regina Benjamin, MD, warned readers about the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to se ri ous bouts of belly-laugh ter, up set ting weaker stomachs.

“We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’ but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America,” she cautioned.

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Melting Glaciers Making Really Nice Ice Cubes for the Inuit Inuit: “If life hands you disappearing glaciers, make lemonade ice cubes” GREENLAND — Gla ciers located at the Earth’s poles continue to melt at a remarkable rate, alarming both scientists and layman alike. Last year, the Petermann glacier calved off a sizable chunk of ice — approximately twice the size of Manhattan.

And the Inuit couldn’t be happier.

Apparently, the Greenlandic natives have been ben e fit ing from global warming trends for quite some time. Much of the ice that has been breaking off of these glaciers is going directly into their handmade water pouches.

“Oh yeah, it’s the yak’s pajamas,” said local fisherman Imnek. “When life gives us lemons, we make glacially iced lemonade.”

Scientists at the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, though unanimous about the Earth’s rising temperatures, are not unanimous about its main causes. Some contend that humans are entirely to blame, and other scientists are suggesting that the Earth is merely coming out of an ice age, and that greenhouse gases play only a minor role.

Fast Food Scientists Warn of Animals with Strong Sense of Entitlement Animals getting used to cushy lives, say fast food experts

Convenient corner store for Inuit.

But, whether this current warming trend is the result of carbon emissions or not, the Inuit people remain unfazed.

“That’s right,” offered one level-headed yak herder. “We just go with the floe. If the Earth warms and waters rise, then we live in boats. If it cools and everything freezes again, then the world is our igloo.”

Reported by Humor Times Senior Ice Cube Correspondent, Jeff Boldt

Miley Cyrus Stoned in Saudi Arabia “This isn’t the kind of ‘stoned’ I’m used to,” said Miley, sticking out her tongue and pointing to the crowd The private jet of Miley Cyrus, the young formerly squeaky clean Mouseketeer turned rich white trash singer, developed electrical problems flying back from a concert in India and was forced to make an emergency landing in Riyadh,

diately stoned (and we don't mean the type of stoned that she normally gets after a concert). It should be noted that her agent stated that enough amateur footage was made of her last ‘performance' by eye-witnesses to make one last video of her for her fans.

A sim i lar in ci dent occurred last month when Madonna's plane had to land in Kandahar Afghanistan due to an oil leak. The famed pop singer was immediately accosted by the Taliban simply for emitting sexual vibes in public.

She for tu nately fared better than Cyrus, although the singer who is famous for continuously exposing various amounts of her fine flesh Miley Cyrus probably didn't do herself any favors in very creative ways is now greeting the Saudi police this way. forced to wear a burqa to surSaudi Arabia. The plane was to have been down vive. It has been rumored that she has been marfor only four hours for repair, but Cyrus was ried off to an opium farmer way out in the picked up by the Moral Police for indecency hinterlands who has never owned or even seen a when she started singing and strutting her stuff TV so he doesn't know that she is the most faat the airport to entertain her roadies and passers mous near-whore in the world. by.

She is now wife number 8 to the gentlemen, Tak ing off her blouse while wear ing a but through very Madonna-like ways has mansee-through bra with rhinestones at anatomi- aged to work her way up to the number one spot. cally strategic spots didn't help matters any, alMeanwhile, in a related story, Brittany Spears though it did help some young Saudi boys gain a jet developed engine trouble over the Arabian greater understanding of the female body that Sea and needed to make an emergency landing in until this moment in their lives had been only Yemen. Ms. Spears, aware of the fates of her two hearsay. contemporaries, stood on her seat shrieking Other Saudis in the terminal were so outraged “Ditch it in the ocean! Ditch it in the ocean!”

by Miley Cyrus' sexually provocative exhibition Reported by Humor Times Senior Twerking that they joined with the Moral Police and Correspondent, Roger Freed dragged her out to the tarmac and had her imme-

Hillary Still Unsure About 2016, Says She Needs “A Little More Praise”

A new study was published yesterday in the Journal of Food Science and Technology by a collaboration of fast food scientists on the dangers of better living conditions for animals who are used as a food resource.

The article illustrates an alarming trend in the attitudes of poultry and other animals and shows that they have gone from being content with their lot in life to actually expecting better food, open spaces, and even random hugs and kisses.

“There is a direct correlation between t h e a n im a l s ’ i ncreas ingly Cushy life: Fast food chicken. sed en tary and cushy lives and their change in attitudes,” reported food scientist Dr. Ino Beder. “Normally, we wouldn’t be so worried, but we actually had a pig force us to pet it for about an hour the other day. It’s getting a little ridiculous.”

This study was not lost on some of the heavy-hitters in the fast food industry, as they scrambled to come up with solutions to the problem.

“Our main concern right now is that the animals don’t unionize,” said Chet Burgenson, CFO of Burger King Corporate. “If that happens, we’re in for a s—storm bigger than Texas.”

Through one of our contacts at a processing ranch in the Midwest, we were able to obtain confirmation and verify the claims of this controversial study.

“It’s true,” said our anonymous source.

“The chickens are demanding organic seed now (although I’m not sure if they really know what that means) and have somehow learned about Netflix.”

Though some have speculated this is only the beginning of an eventual worldwide problem, farmers and retailers have assured international markets that the situation is firmly under their control and will not spread due to the animals’ lack of formal language education and inability to use the internet.

Reported by Jeff Boldt

New Poll Shows Couple’s Sex at 50% Approval Rating LOCAL – A recent NBC News/Marist Poll released on Tuesday showed local couple, Paul Essex and Am ber Dubius sex life only has a 50% approval rating.

Am ong t he cou pl e friends, the Marist Poll revealed that the couple recieved a 100% approval rating among Paul’s friends, while Amber’s came in at just 30%.

The couples overall approval rating of 50% is up from its lowest rating of 10%, which came last November, when in a surprise move, Paul decided to shave all but the top half of his chest hair. At press time, the couple couldn’t be reached for comment.

– TheWashingtonFancy.com

Frontrunner in all the polls, Clinton could still use some love Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is the strong favorite in the 2016 presidential race, leading in polls against all potential democratic and republican rivals by sizable margins. But Clinton herself isn’t so sure it’s her time to take the Oval Office, repeatedly telling reporters that she’s struggling with the decision. Today, PTP uncovered in a brief phone interview with Hillary herself precisely what that struggle is all about... attention and praise.

“I feel like I want to run, and I’d do a great job as president if I were to win, but I don’t know if I’m running yet or not,” Hillary began.

“I’m still not sure if the American people would get behind me if I ran. There needs to be a little more evidence to support that. I need a little more praise and attention before I make up my mind.”

“I’m lead ing in ev ery poll, even the

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right-lean ing ones,” Clinton continued.

“There are a bunch of TV miniseries documentaries, and feature films being made about me.

I’m on the Hillary Clinton: Not quite there. cover of magazines and newspapers in every one of the fifty states, and I nearly won in 2008, and would have if I didn’t cry on television. Political groups I’m not even personally affiliated with are raising millions of dollars for me before I’ve even announced if I’m running. Heck, even Pantsuit Aficionado Magazine named me their ‘person of

the year’ like, twelve times, mostly consecutively! That’s about as high an honor as a person can get, shy of winning the presidency of course.”

But none of that seems to be enough praise for the former First Lady. “I need more love and affection hurled at me from the media, my fellow political figures, and the public at large. I won’t make a final decision until I’m 100% confident that I’m the most beloved lady in America, shy of Oprah of course. I mean, come on, being more popular or famous than Oprah is just flat-out crazy talk. But I can get a little closer to that than I am now. And once I do, that’s when I’ll make my fi nal de ci sion. So come on America... love me!”

Reported by Matt Rock, PardonThePundit.com

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2013

Benjamin Franklin must be turning over in his grave at what Americans are willing to put up with.

But it’s the bargain we seem to have struck...

to have the technology we’ve become addicted to.

After all, the new apps are so cool...

and the access to information is amazing.

So we give up a little freedom...

October, 2013

for the illusion of security.

HUMOR TIMES

13

Desperate We must remain vigilant...

for there are toxic elements that threaten us.

Teapublicans are here to help...

and will do whatever it takes.

They’re feeling left behind...

and pine for the good ol’ days...

when kids were raised to be independent...

14

and the world was simpler.

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2013

Argus Sez

The Prez Obama has to deal with dictators...

George Clooney arrived at the Venice Film Festival to show his new movie “Gravity” to international film critics. He told reporters he’s had sex with far too many women to ever run for public office in America. He was immediately made the Prime Minister of Italy.

Miley Cyrus and her boy friend Liam Hemsworth reportedly broke up due to her raunchy MTV Awards performance. One thing is evident. Between Miley Cyrus, Robin Thicke, Kim Jung Un and Bashar al Assad, it’s been a really bad month for nepotism.

The British Medical Journal endorsed the health benefits inherent in a person doing charitable work recently. The study said volunteering can reduce the risk of heart problems. That’d be great news if it didn’t also reduce the risk of having fun on Saturdays.

The London Mail says people in Ireland are being attacked on the streets by a clown who sprays them in the face with seltzer. Victims say the attacker has pale skin, a red nose and he carries a bottle. In Ireland that narrows down the list of suspects to everybody.

with wanna-be dictators...

The Los Angeles Dodgers drew a record number of home sellouts to see the talented team of hitters and pitchers this year. Everyone says they want to win the World Series the Los Angeles way. That is terrific, but how do you sleep your way to the top in baseball?

Stanford geneticists published a study showing that human intelligence is declining and the collective mind of mankind is on a downward trajectory. It’s grave news for everybody. This means we’re seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now.

President Obama’s approval rat ings fell sharply in the latest polls. He has fallen ten points in three months. President Obama vowed to find out whose approval he has lost, track them down using their e-mail and phone records and then win them back.

ARGUS HAMILTON President Obama ripped the GOP Congress for misrepresenting Health Care Reform to the American people to scare them. He insisted Obamacare does not include a death panel that will pull the plug on grandma. His plan calls for the much cleaner pillow option.

The Federal Reserve Bank announced it will continue buying eighty billion dollars a month of U.S. bonds to prop up the U.S. economy. The Treasury is printing money and loaning it to ourselves, and then injecting it into the economy to keep it from collapsing. ObamaCare hasn’t even started yet and already the government’s hogging all the morphine.

President Obama’s choice to head the Federal Reserve Larry Summers withdrew his name. He wouldn’t inspire a lot of confidence as the nation’s top banker. A routine background check found that he keeps his mattress stored in a safe deposit box.

Kim Kardashian dumped her fam ily’s Beverly Hills publicist and hired her own. She says the next wedding will be on a desert island with no cameras. That raises a question if a Kardashian does something and there are no cameras, did it really happen?

Brazil’s president Filna Roussef canceled a trip to Washington because the NSA spied on her from satellites. She started out as a Sixties radical who led labor strikes and robbed banks to raise money for local communist parties in South America. If the NSA doesn’t spy on her, we’ve got NASA if all we need are pretty pictures from outer space.

Miss New York Nina Davulurli was crowned Miss America, becoming the first Asian Indian to win. Her interview had everyone riveted. She urged Americans to turn off their computers for five minutes, and then turn them back on, and see if that helps.

and with pot heads.

It’s enough to make you very thirsty.

ADVERTISE IN THE HUMOR TIMES! • 916-455-1217 • info@humortimes.com October, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

15

Miscellaneous Mischief

16

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2013

October, 2013

HUMOR TIMES

17

Parting Shots Gun laws are getting more permissive, not less...

but some businesses are rethinking their policies.

There are reasons for the shootings...

but the law is the law...

and it’s not changing...

anytime soon, apparently.

All we can do is lock ’em up after the fact...

18

and hope somebody talks some sense into lawmakers.

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2013

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