Humor Times, Nov 2013

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Issue #263

November, 2013

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HUMOR TIMES

November, 2013

Editor’s Letter Promoting the “General Welfare” Should Include Health Care for All

Thank You for a Great 2013 Rafting Season!

Obamacare is an inefficient end-run around the right’s insane aversion to single payer health care for all The Constitution says that government should promote “the general welfare.” To me, and to a majority of Americans, that means not only providing fire fighting, policing, roads and schools, but health care insurance. Polls consistently show a large majority favors “Medicare for all.”

It is the people’s government – supposedly – and as a society, we ought to set a minimum that will help people avoid poverty and sickness. It’s the best thing not only for the “downtrodden,” but for all of us, as a society decaying around us is not good for anyone.

Unfortunately, we’ve allowed the greediest among us to take over the function of government, and by allowing virtually unlimited election funding, we’ve assured ourselves of something closer to an oligarchy than a democracy.

A lot of Democrats don’t care for Ralph Nader ever since the 2000 presidential election, when he was blamed for throwing the election to Bush, at Gore’s expense, in Florida. But I would think Republicans would like him for doing that. And should also like that he criticizes Democrats as much as Republicans, calling them two branches of the same party.

So maybe some conservatives could keep an open mind and listen when Ralph Nader says:

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[One] reaction to Senator Cruz was that many of his more specific objections to Obamacare — its mind-numbing complexity, opposition by formerly supportive labor unions, and employers reacting by reducing worker hours below 30 hours a week to escape some of the law’s requirements — are well-taken and completely correctable by single-payer health insurance, as provided in Canada. Single-payer, or full Medicare for all, with free choice of physician and hospital has been the majority choice of Americans for decades. Even a majority of doctors and nurses favor it.

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Republicans are all in a tizzy over Obamacare, but it’s really their fault. For one, they invented it, before they opposed it. For another, it was their opposition to single payer health care that forced this byzantine law.

The right’s unreasonable fear of single payer, calling it “socialist,” etc, is not even based in reality. As I noted earlier, we elect to provide ourselves police and fire protection, etc, so why not health care? America would not suddenly turn into a Marxist society just because we finally do what every other democratic first world country in the world does regarding health care, we would simply take a huge financial burden off our backs.

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HUMOR TIMES

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Dysfunction Junction Republicans took it to the brink...

but the prez wasn’t budging.

Sen. Ted Cruz seized the moment...

to show off his “leadership” skills.

But some didn’t mind a shutdown...

and enjoyed watching the GOP do its thing.

Cruz staged a filibuster-type speech, quoting Dr. Seuss...

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making quite an impression. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2013

A determined GOP put their bold plan into action...

and saw that it was good.

They convinced themselves they were right...

and their ardent followers agreed.

Speaker Boehner tried to keep tea partiers happy...

and only essential services continued to operate.

Many agreed with Republican tactics...

November, 2013

which will be long remembered. (continued pg. 7)

HUMOR TIMES

5

Showdown, Shutdown, Shakedown Government’s closed, everybody! Go home. Except Congress, that is, whose members are still getting paid, classified as “essential workers.” Although right now, neither one of those words seems very apt or ept. Unapt and inept is more like it. Inapt?

Unept?

A minority of the majority of one house of Congress continues to hold the country hostage. “Down on the floor, America, and hands behind your back. Anybody moves, shoot ‘em.” And if we don’t agree to their demented demands, we’ll never see our families or Panda Cam again.

To say that the Tea Party really, really doesn’t like the Affordable Care Act is like intimating spotted brown bananas make for substandard grouting material. That Mel Gibson is unlikely to receive a plethora of invitations to speak at JDL benefits. That the prognosis for a patient whose spleen transplant was performed with rusty garden tools… is not good.

The fraying tassels on the GOP fringe appear to be willing to sacrifice everything to deny their constituents access to health care coverage. Two lambs. The recovery. Their reputation. The harvest. Nation’s credit rating. A virgin. John Boehner’s tan.

What they should be looking for is a time machine, because this issue has already been settled. By the legislative, executive,

and judicial branches of the government. Which, according to all those Schoolhouse Rock videos, is pretty much all of them. Three out of three. Slam dunk. Total sweep. Full boat. Get a hammer and some planks to build a shelf for the freaking trophy, dude.

And if memory serves correctly, wasn’t last year’s presidential election a referendum on Obamacare? Every single Republican offered up as an alternative commander in chief railed against it with vein – popping intensity. And none won. Not to mention this same crew of Cruz’s crazies having made over 40 attempts to sink health care reform. All for naught. How many bites at the apple do you get before there is no apple?

So the government has totally ground to a halt, paralyzed by petty partisan squabbling. Or as they say inside the Beltway these days: a typical Thursday. Republicans complain Obama is not negotiating. Garnering their begrudging respect for following Reagan’s unbreakable dictum to refuse to negotiate with terrorists.

Besides, bills are negotiated, not settled law. If the Kamikaze Caucus gets their way on this, what’s next? Another showdown, shutdown, shakedown demanding Democrats dismantle NPR? A single representative from Oklahoma threatening to hold his breath until he turns blue if an oil derrick doesn’t replace George Washington on the $1 bill? Preschool intimidation to spur the

WILL DURST

repeal of the laws of gravity?

The extreme right wing of the party of the right is obviously convinced the public will regard this as one of those “a pox on both of their houses” deals. And they may be right. If Congress’ approval rating goes any lower, they’ll be able to look up to snake bellies. Losing ground on poisonous ticks. Pillow thorns.

And for a group ostensibly consumed with the deficit, these cry-cry-crybabies don’t seem too upset by the 300 million dollars the shutdown is costing every day. Because, hey! 300 million here. 300 million there. As Everett Dirksen is said to have pointed out, pretty soon you’re talking real money.

Senator Ahab is a Sneetch There no longer lies any shame in obsession. Monomania reigns supreme in this country. Along with twerking.

Once a month the local news features sports fans who have turned entire houses into shrines to their favorite team. We all know the conspiracy guy with his bootleg DVDs and liquid limber logic. Every neighborhood has at least one cat lady. And if you protest that your neighborhood doesn’t, you may be her.

The U.S. Senate has its own cat lady, and his name is Ted Cruz. For the first nine months of his incumbency in the World’s Greatest Deliberative Body, the man graduated from distressed to obsessed to a little shy of possessed. Recently we were held hostage to the focus of his idee fixe: an entire day devoted to his delirious struggle to kill the white whale; that is, repeal Obamacare.

Speaking from the floor of the Senate for 21 hours and 19 minutes, Senator Ahab singlehandedly gave the American people another reason to look forward to a government shutdown. His long and loud faux filibuster seemed mostly a way to raise his profile and money for an inevitable presidential run. Another side effect of Obama lowering the qualification bar.

Inexplicably, in the midst of his impassioned C-SPAN salvo, the junior Senator from Texas stopped speaking of “Duck Dynasty,” White Castle, Christmas pig roasts and Ashton Kutcher while regaling Obama as a socialist terrorist and his own party as Nazi appeasers to read a bedtime story directed at his children back home; Dr. Seuss’s “Green Eggs and Ham.” Following which he made suppositions raising questions as to whether he fully understood the book’s complicated ramifications.

Cruz took pains to differentiate himself from the recalcitrant protagonist of the tome who wouldn’t eat green eggs and ham in a house with a mouse in the dark on a boat with a goat in the rain here and there and everywhere by saying he him self had in deed tried green eggs and ham (read Obamacare) and didn’t like it. And the American people didn’t like it either. The problem is, Obamacare hasn’t really kicked in yet.

Saying you tried it but didn’t like it is real similar to saying you didn’t enjoy Bruno Mars’ halftime show at next year’s Super Bowl. That you think Ben Affleck’s portrayal of Batman fell far short of the exacting standards previously set by George Clooney. That you found the church basement covered dish spread following your funeral service to be underwhelming.

But the media coverage was so intense and overwhelming, it would be a surprise on the order of cast iron Frisbees if he didn’t try this tact again. Perhaps next he will favor us with the importance of proper potty training. One sequel we are definitely not destined to see is “Teddy Hears a Who.” Although he could adapt “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish” to explain his food stamp elimination proposal.

Cruz has managed to prove he’s confused by the space-time continuum, not to mention a book aimed at a kindergarten reading level and he still wants to be president? Of course, knowing the Republican Party, Rafael Edward Cruz has a very good chance at securing the nomination, because after all, as Doctor Seuss himself famously said, you can’t teach a Sneetch.

Will Durst’s new one-man show, “Boomer Aging: From LSD to OMG,” is presented every Tuesday at The Marsh, San Francisco. Go to themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.

SOAPBOX! with Jeanie

Keltner “Intelligent Talk” Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento And on the first & fifth Wednesdays of the month, catch “The Undernews” at noon on 89.5FM, or online at KVMR.org, for info that doesn’t make the news.

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HUMOR TIMES

November, 2013

Dysfunction Junction (conclusion) The goal was to defund Obamacare...

and they got oh so close...

but there were unintended consequences.

Still, it’s what the people wanted, said Teapublicans.

They insist they are not unfeeling...

it’s just how government operates, they said.

After all, they love their country...

November, 2013

and are willing to sacrifice unto the end.

HUMOR TIMES

7

The Hightower Lowdown J.P. Morgan — The Man and the Bank J.P Morgan was recently socked in the wallet by financial regulators, who levied a fine of nearly a billion bucks against the Wall Street baron for massive illegalities.

Well, not a fine against John Pierpont Morgan, the man. This 19th century robber baron was born to a great banking fortune and, by hook and crook, leveraged it to become the “King of American Finance.” During the Gilded Age, Morgan cornered U.S. financial markets, gained mo nop oly own er ship of rail roads, amassed a vast supply of the nation’s gold and used his investment power to create U.S. Steel and take control of that market.

From his earliest days in high finance, Morgan was a hustler who often traded on the shady side. In the Civil War, for example, his family bought his way out of military duty, but he saw another way to serve. Himself, that is. Morgan bought defective rifles for $3.50 each and sold them to a general in the Union Army for $22 each. The rifles blew off soldiers’ thumbs, but Morgan pleaded ignorance, and government investigators graciously absolved the young, wealthy, well-connected financier of any fault.

That seems to have set a pattern for his lifetime of antitrust violations, union busting and other over-the-edge profiteering practices. He drew nu mer ous offi cial charges — but of course, he never did any jail time.

Moving the clock forward, we come to JPMorgan Chase, today’s financial powerhouse bearing J.P.’s name. The bank also inherited his pattern of committing multiple illegalities — and walking away scot-free. Oh sure, the bank was hit with that billion-dollar fine, but that’s hardly devastating to a behemoth that hauled in $6.5 billion in just the previous three months.

Besides, note that not a single one of the top bankers who committed gross wrongdoing were charged or even fired — much less sent to jail.

Fining banks is not a crime-stopper, for banks don’t commit crimes. Bankers do. And they won’t ever stop if they don’t have to pay for their crimes.

In fact, someone should make a movie about JPM’s honchos and title it: “Bankers Gone Wild!” Not long ago, America’s biggest Wall Street empire was hailed as a paragon of financial integrity. But today it’s a house of crime, currently under investigation for management

illegalities by seven federal agencies, several states and two foreign nations.

But there’s an additional “crime” taking place, hidden within that billion-dollar fine that regulators levied on the bank for top-level mismanagement, which caused shareholders to lose a whopping $6 billion in a trade scandal last year. Media reports say the bank agreed to pay the fine to settle those charges, but when it’s reported that “the bank” will pony up a billion dollars, who exactly is that?

Not the bankers who committed the illegalities, but Chase’s shareholders. Wow, how’s that for a raw deal? The money the bankers lost belonged to shareholders, yet they’re being socked for another billion to cover the bankers’ fine.

Imagine if you got burglarized, then were fined for being burglarized! As one law professor said, “It’s not just adding insult to injury, it’s adding injury to injury.”

Federal regulators say it’s easier to get bankers to settle a case if they can hand the fine to shareholders, who don’t even get a say in the decision. But going after the bankers, they claim, would require a jury trial — and jurors might not convict.

Huh? What kind of bassackwards justice is that? Besides, it’s ridiculous to think that jurors wouldn’t jump at the chance to convict Wall

JIM HIGHTOWER Street banksters. That’s a jury I’d like to serve on. Wouldn’t you? Nail a couple of them, and that’d chill all of their wild finagling.

Some countries will be successful in creating shared prosperity — the only kind of prosperity that I believe is truly sustainable. Others will let inequality run amok. In these divided societies, the rich will hunker in gated communities, almost completely separated from the poor, whose lives will be almost unfathomable to them, and vice versa. I've visited societies that seem to have chosen this path.

They are not places in which most of us would want to live, whether in their cloistered en claves or their desperate shantytowns.

– Joseph E. Stiglitz, nytimes.com, October 13, 2013

Foreign Affairs Obama is trying to make progress with Iran...

and they seem to be turning over a new leaf...

begrudgingly.

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Meanwhile, the Syrian civil war rages on.

HUMOR TIMES

November, 2013

Bipartisanship Congress doesn’t seem to get much done anymore...

and some say they need to get grounded.

Everyone is frustrated...

and consequences could be painful.

“The best time you can have with your clothes on…But it’s just as funny nude.” – comedian Will Durst

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“Instead of talking about nickel-and-diming seniors by cutting their Social Security and Medicare, letting our infrastructure crumble, and forcing our children to go without proper education or medicine, we could be returning sanity and balance to our financial system. The Financial Transaction Tax would put the breaks on the sort of reckless, breakneck-speed computer gambling that helped tank the American economy five years ago. It could raise hundreds of billions annually. Did you hear that, deficit hawks? We’d have enough to close the funding gaps in states that had their budgets destroyed by Wall Street’s risky behavior and predation. We’d even have enough to invest in new jobs.” – Lynn Stuart Parramore, AlterNet.org, 10/14/13

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

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by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Man Takes Day Off Work to Help ABC with TV Ratings Dip In view of the disconcerting drop in the number of people watching ABC’s fall line-up, local man, Howard Haversham, responded to the call with a vengeance.

ABC TV ratingsHoward, like everyone else in the world, keeps up with TV ratings fluctuations through Yahoo!’s highly informative newsfeed.

“I would just like to say…that The Neighbors suffered a .8 drop in adult viewers this year! POINT 8! What is wrong with this world!”

A long-time BFF of the network, Mr. Haversham felt compelled to do all that he could for the one who gave him Roseanne in the 90?s and Scrubs in the 2K’s.

“They’ve taken care of me, so I want to take care of them. My friend says I should marry them but that’s silly, right? Hahaha.

Oooooh man, that’s a good one. Marry ABC. I couldn’t, could I?” Mr. H a v e r s h a m h a s s ta r t e d b y cold-call ing ran dom peo ple from the phone book and asking them to keep their TV’s on and tuned in to ABC during the shows that need extra help, which is most of them.

“I make my appeal to the American people for America’s Best Channel (that’s what I call it): please! don’t Betrayal yourself. Let’s Get Back in the Game and make every night a Super Fun Night!”

– Reported by Jeff Boldt, Humor Times

Ted Cruz Found Sobbing in Basement of D.C. Restaurant “I don’t think I can ever face my colleagues again” – Sen. Ted Cruz Sources say that when Sen. Ted Cruz found out today he had single-handedly taken down the Republican Party instead of the Democratic Party, the news caught him off guard. So much so that when it came time for him to vote on a measure in the Senate to keep the government open temporarily and raise the debt ceiling, he was nowhere to be found.

Ted Cruz CryingHis friend, Jim DeMint, President of the Heritage Foundation and former U.S. Representative and Senator from South Carolina, finally located Cruz just as the House was getting ready to vote on the Senate measure.

The measure was expected to win easily in the House, something Cruz was wont to deny.

“C’mon, Ted, it’s time to get yourself up, brush yourself off, and start all over again,” sang DeMint to a bemused and befuddled Cruz, lying in a corner of the Washington Mexican restau-

rant where just days before, he was boasting of taking over the White House majority and letting the government default on its bills.

“I let you down, I let Charlie and Dave down [referring to the Koch Brothers], heck I just about let everyone down, I guess,” said Cruz.

“I don’t think I can ever face my colleagues again,” sobbed Cruz, wiping a tear from his eye, but tapping his toe just the same to DeMint’s catchy rendition of the Sinatra song, “Pick Yourself Up.” “Sure you can,” responded DeMint. “Oh, they might be a little bit mad at you for a couple of days, but before you know it, you’ll be right back on top, back on top in June, or maybe sooner,” DeMint said as he launched into another feel-good song by Frank Sinatra (“That’s Life”) to cheer up his little buddy from Texas.

“So whaddaya say, Ted?” said DeMint as he

A distraught Ted Cruz.

handed his buddy an embroidered hankie.

“You ready to get up on your feet and get back over to Capitol Hill and see what we can do to start salvaging our Party before we get trashed too badly?

“S-s-s-sure, Jim,” said a happier Cruz, as the two politicians came out of the basement, arms locked together, singing Cruz’ favorite Sinatra tune, “High Hopes.”

Reported by P. Beckert, Humor Times

Little-Known Fact: Ted Cruz Collapsed During Faux-Filibuster, Requiring Obamacare While attempting a “filibuster” in Congress to stamp out the Affordable Care Act, snarkily known as “Obamacare” by conservatives, Republican Senator Ted Cruz collapsed 15 hours into the epic attempt to derail the legislation, say witnesses.

However, after 15 hours into his blockage of any action by Congress, he suddenly clutched his chest and passed out onto the floor.

An ambulance immediately appeared at the scene and whisked the half-conscious Senator away. When the ambulance crew realized who he was, they, being regular working class blokes who were having as tough a time in the present economy as everyone else, spoke amongst themselves and decided to let the dear politician see for himself what conditions were like for those without the connections or money for hospitalization that Washington big shots have.

Ignoring his Senatorial insurance -- which Cruz and his family have for the rest of his life, courtesy U.S. taxpayers -- they took him to Washington D.C.’s charity hospital, where the Senator would be covered under Obamacare.

Cruz had to lie on the gurney in the lobby with forty other people who had been there for hours

Photo by Jenny Starley, flickr.com.

already, waiting to see a doctor.

During this time, Mr. Cruz, seemingly in a daze, babbled on, saying things like, “Going to the head of the line…I’m entitled…who are all these raggedy people?…I need to see someone this minute!” He was routinely ignored by the staff, which imbued a keen sense of mirth in the other patients ahead of him.

Fortunately for himself and the other people

waiting in line with broken bones, knocked out teeth, stab wounds, shrapnel fragments and other such lovely health intrusions, Mr. Cruz eventually fell into a coma, saving them from the added annoyance of his whining.

Senator Cruz awoke days later, finding himself lying on dirty sheets in a room with three other people. These patients took an immense interest in all the get-well presents left by Cruz’s family, who had quickly left when they realized they were surrounded by people who were not a part of their upper 2% comfort zone.

Interestingly, after surviving his hospital ordeal, Senator Cruz had a St. Peter’s-like transformation, and became an ardent supporter of the Affordable Care Act, which explains why he didn’t try to filibuster the resolution ending the shutdown.

In related news, this interesting tidbit: Although Mr. Cruz was born in Canada, is half Hispanic and his father had fought for Castro in Cuba, the Republicans have never asked to see his birth certificate.

– Reported by Roger Freed, Humor Times

Cables News Already Preparing for Next Government Shutdown

U.N. Security Council Deploys Charlie Sheen to Consume All Syrian Chemical Weapons NEW YORK, NY – Members of the United Nations Security Council voted unanimously to assign Charlie Sheen the task of snorting and/or injecting all of the weapons grade chemicals stockpiled in Syria. U.N. Officials say Sheen was selected based on his consistent demonstration of a super-human capacity for chemical metabolism.

Reports indicate Sheen will not receive payment for his services but instead has been granted a lifelong immunity from all forms of drug testing. Sheen will also have 24/7 companionship of several Syrian working girls during his chemical expulsion tour.

“I’m proud that my particular skill set can be used to make the world a safer place,” commented Sheen during a U.N. press briefing.

“I’m in top form because I’ve been building my tolerance at New York music festivals all summer.”

At Sheen’s suggestion, the code name for the operation has been designated, OPERATION TUESDAY. “I saw the list of chemicals and trust me, this is Tuesday for me,” said Sheen.

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

A s k ed h ow h e plans to con sume such a large volume of chemicals, Sheen offered, “I plan on snorting most of the stuff. But some of the more harsh materials I plan to inject in or der to pro tect Charlie Sheen what’s left of my mucous membranes. If I need any help with a few lines here or there, my buddy Bob Downey Jr. said he can join me before Iron Man 4 starts filming.”

Military officials say several U.S. drones will closely monitor and report on Sheen’s activities throughout the operation. Sheen maintains a casual perspective regarding military monitoring stating, “I don’t mind the drones.

They’re just a more expensive version of an electronic ankle bracelet to which I have grown quite accustomed.”

– Reported by DerfMagazine.com

The October 2013 government shutdown is finally behind us. But while furloughed workers, the poor who were stripped of benefits, tourists, and other Americans directly impacted by the shutdown celebrate the government’s reopening, the media is already looking forward to the next big shutdown.

CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC are all reportedly holding top-level meetings this week, to plan for more exhaustive 24-hour coverage, if and when it happens. And the networks are even taking things a step further, reportedly developing strategies that would focus their coverage toward creating said government shutdown.

“Our network hasn’t seen ratings like this since the Boston bombings caused all of those delayed flights in airports, where CNN gets most of its viewers,” said one CNN executive, who asked to remain anonymous. “So we're looking to pro-actively impact the government, by reporting on stories in such a way that people like Ted Cruz feel inspired to shut the govern-

ment down again. The sooner the better, too.”

MSNBC has a similar plan. A leaked internal memo urges the networks’ producers to “come up with plans for coverage that might be so insulting to America’s right-wing that they feel they have no choice but to shut down the government,” even going so far as to “make up pro- Obamacare numbers and statistics, to scare the right into making another anti-Obamacare push.”

But Fox News has arguably the most solid plan for shutting down the government again. An email sent from Fox News Presi dent Roger Ailes to key elements of his staff instructs them to “do whatever we can to make sure another shutdown happens ASAP,” by firing up their viewers to support a shutdown, egging on Republican lawmakers to carry it out, and getting their anchors to downplay the impacts of another shutdown. “We helped shut down the Federal government once already,” Ailes said in his email. “I don’t see why we can’t make lightning strike twice.”

– Matt Rock, PardonThePundit .com

Hoaxer Admits Bachmann, Cain, Others Were ‘National-Grade Practical Jokes’ In 1989, professional makeup and special effects artist Gregory Virgil of California left his comfortable job at the famed Industrial Light and Magic studio to go into business for himself.

And in an effort to show his Hollywood clientele precisely what he’s capable of, Virgil came up with a brilliant publicity stunt: he’d infiltrate the highest echelons of government as wacky, screwball characters of his own invention.

In his new book, titled “My Many Lives in Washington,” Gregory Virgil reveals that countless mainstream political figures, including Ross Perot, Bob Dole, An thony Weiner, Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, and more recently Ted Cruz were all fictional people that Virgil himself invented, playing out their roles him self us ing the ex pe ri ence he’d gained through his many years casting Holly wood

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movie magic.

“This all started for me when I wanted to impress some cli ents,” Virgil explained in a book-promoting interview. “They wanted to know how believable the characters were, so I invented Ross Perot. It was so successful he actually took in a decent percentage of votes, even as an independent, so over the years I’ve been inventing these political characters for shits and giggles. The clients love them, and they’re fun for me, as an artist and a performer, to get into.”

For Virgil, his biggest accomplishments weren’t the elections he premiered in, with characters like Herman Cain or Bob Dole, but his characters that actually won elections. “When I made up the Bachmann character, I never in a million years imagined anyone would vote for her, because she’s completely batshit crazy. But

she, we, won, so each election I ramped it up, to see how loony I could get with her. I eventually had to back her out of Congress because people kept voting her in.”

Bachmann is also the hardest character for Virgil to portray. “She’s a real challenge. It’s not enough just to talk crazy, you have to act and look crazy too, so getting that stare down is never easy. I usually put a fluorescent light on in front of me and just stare right into it for twenty minutes, only blinking when I really, really have to. It takes a lot of work to make characters like these, but I think the payoff is worth it.

Virgil’s “crown jewel” character, though, is Herman Cain. “Herman Cain was a lot of fun for me. He’d sing Pokemon, and do the ‘999’ routine, and talk about electric fences, and for me it was more priceless because there were nutty

HUMOR TIMES

people out there that’d s a y ‘yeah, I would vote for this guy.’

Herman Cain: A hoax?

I i m a gine people will read this book and feel really embarrassed, knowing none of these characters were real.”

Virgil’s book will be released on Friday, October 18th. His fictional characters Michele Bachmann and Ted Cruz still hold seats in Congress as of today.

– Reported by Matt Rock, PardonThePundit .com

November, 2013

Lost Party Teapublicans say they’re doing what they must...

and Speaker Boehner is too.

They say they’re doing it for the country...

and out of patriotism.

They have their priorities...

and they’re pretty sure a majority agrees...

with their principled stand.

November, 2013

Besides, that’s just how they roll.

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That’s Rich Things are looking up...

for the moneyed class.

They are the way they are...

and that’s just the way it is.

They have their representation...

and as far as they can see, it’s all good.

Their congressmen work hard...

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but it’s not always easy.

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November, 2013

The Prez Obama met with the Iranian leader...

Argus Sez The Pen ta gon an nounced that al-Qaeda chiefs in Somalia and in Libya were captured by U.S. special forces recently. The terrorists were done in by their lust for action. These guys have got to stop putting their contact information on the Play Station Network.

The Nobel Prize in Physics went to two scien tists whose God Par ti cle dis cov ery was proven by an atom smasher. We now know the universe is expanding and will explode in a billion years. It means that everybody in Washington is simply doing the Lord’s work.

An IRS official told Congress she shared a conservative group’s tax information with the White House. Hold the phone. If the Republicans really want to get rid of ObamaCare they should endorse it as a conservative nonprofit and let the IRS take it down.

President Obama apologized to Americans for the shutdown, then blamed it on Republicans. He managed to be very contrite and self-serving at the same time. No one has seen this move since Thomas Jefferson announced he would free his slaves in his will.

but it was an uncomfortable situation.

Kathie Lee Gifford on the Today Show laughed off Frank Gifford’s affair with Johnny Carson’s second wife. The NFL hall of famer cheated on Kathie Lee with a flight attendant fifteen years ago. His jersey hangs in the Oval Office at the Bill Clinton Presidential Library.

ARGUS HAMILTON arrival of Christopher Columbus. He seems impressive today. Columbus went around the world in 1492 and that isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course.

Brown University celebrated Nudity Week with nude yoga, nude dances and nude cabaret.

It’s crazy. Republicans say they’re offended by Nudity Week and Democrats say they’re offended by Brown University, wondering why everything has to be about race.

The Los Angeles Times reports that newspaper circulation hit new lows in Southern California this year. It must be the culture. Los Angeles had its first cool day of the fall and homeless people were sleeping on the park benches with i-Pads on their faces.

Gettysburg Battlefield was breached by tourists who defied the U.S. government shutdown orders closing it. It’s amazing. It was the second time in history the park was overrun by people who refused to recognize U.S. government sovereignty, only this time the rebels won.

The Ronald Reagan Library stayed open during the U.S. government shutdown in Simi Valley. He knew what the people liked. There are two dozen U.S. presidential libraries across America, but Reagan’s is the only one with a popcorn machine in the lobby.

The Hol ly wood Re porter re vealed that Keeping Up with the Kardashians stars Bruce and Kristi Jen ner are sep a rat ing af ter twenty-two years of marriage. It saddens viewers. The whole country was looking forward to watching them grow younger together.

The Columbus Day parade in New York gave Indian tribes the opportunity to protest the

Meanwhile, he’s dealing with domestic issues...

and urging patients to be patient.

ADVERTISE IN THE HUMOR TIMES! • 916-455-1217 • info@humortimes.com November, 2013

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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November, 2013

November, 2013

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Guns ‘R’ Us

Profitable Doom

Many people love their guns...

Money is persuasive...

and insist any laws regulating them are anti-American.

but the earth can only take so much...

Meanwhile, the gun culture has a rippling effect.

before things get biblical.

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November, 2013

Thanks for All the Laughs through the Years, Humor Times!

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