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Issue #264
December, 2013
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HUMOR TIMES
December, 2013
Editor’s Letter Facts are facts whether or not you believe in them, including those having to do with climate change
Happy Holidays!
Every year, more and bigger climate events seem to be happening. Last month, it was the Super Typhoon Haiyan, which slammed into the Philippines on Friday November 8th, one of the strongest storms ever recorded on the planet. Here are some facts about the storm, from USA Today: • Super Typhoon Haiyan had winds of 195 mph and gusts of 235 mph. This is one of the highest wind speeds ever recorded in a storm in world history. • It made landfall as the most powerful typhoon or hurricane in recorded history, as based on wind speed measurements from satellites. • The strength of Haiyan is equal to that of an extremely powerful Category 5 hurricane in the Atlantic. (Typhoons are the same type of storms as hurricanes). • No hurricane in the Atlantic has ever been this strong; Hurricane Camille hit the U.S. Gulf Coast with an estimated wind speed of 190 mph. • The storm was over 300 miles wide. • Haiyan is the fourth typhoon to hit the Philippines in 2013. • Sea level rise from global warming is escalating the risk posed by storm surges across the globe, including in low-lying areas of the Philippines. Ah, but global climate change? Don’t worry your little head about it, say deniers at Fox “news” and brilliant minds like Rush Limbaugh, who says, “If you believe in God, then intellectually you cannot believe in manmade global warming.” After all, according to the bible, God gave man dominion over all the earth. So, how could we possibly screw up? Which is like saying no babysitter ever made a mistake or harmed a child in their care. If we don’t act, and soon, we are leaving a future wasteland to the next generation. That simply is not an option. – James Israel, Publisher/editor
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December, 2013
HUMOR TIMES
3
ObamaScare It was to be the glorious culmination of a lot of hard work...
but it turned out to be more complicated than that.
Rolling out just before Halloween...
Some had to change and were very unhappy...
it was indeed pretty frightening.
saying they were comfortable with their familiar old plan.
But if only the government worked together...
4
the problem could be solved. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
December, 2013
House Republicans saw an opportunity...
and played it to the hilt.
They tried to prove ACA backers were all wet...
December, 2013
while pining for the good old days.
The GOP hopes to bring the law down...
and they’re getting a lot of help.
But Obama is not giving up easily...
despite the problems. (continued pg. 7)
HUMOR TIMES
5
Blown, Burnt and Compromised: Spy vs Spy In here. Pssst. Don’t look. Okay. Sit down. Pretend you’re reading the International Herald Tribune. Order a coffee. Make it a decaf. Two Sweet and Lows. Pass them to me. Take this Splenda. Pay no attention to the man with the hearing aid. Give the waiter a five and leave through the kitchen. Don’t forget an extra twenty for me. Talking about spying. Apparently, we’re doing quite a bit of it. And not just to ourselves, we’re spying on foreigners as well. And like us, the foreigners are none too happy about it. Not because they don’t spy on us, of course they do. Everybody spies on everybody. They’re not happy because we do it so much better than they do. Hey. We’re No. 1. USA! USA! Sure, they’re jealous. Because we’re such superior spyers. Longer cloaks. Sharper daggers. Bugging the Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel’s cell phone. Are you kidding me? That’s genius. Who does that? We do, that’s who. The Vatican? No. No. No. THE VATICAN. But seriously, how’s that supposed to help? Must be a training exercise. What kind of intel are you going to mine out of 125 gossipy old men prancing around in red dresses? It’s a fact we have the best technology and the most money. We aren’t the ones handing out teddy bears filled with surveillance devices to participants of G- 20 meetings in St. Petersburg. Teddy
bears personally shot, stuffed and bugged by Vladimir Putin outside some swampy camp in the Siberian forest while not wearing a shirt. Ex-KGB my big, furry white butt. You’re never ex-KGB. You know what they call ex-KGB? That’s right. Dead. Note the outcry with the gnashing and the keening and the wailing. Methinks our allies doth protest too much. “You betrayed our trust.” You’re playing the trust card? Show us the backs of your lily-white hands. Unh hunh. We’ll know how serious the blowback is when they stop accepting our foreign aid. Courtesy of Edward Snowden. One NSA whistle-blowing temp. Traffic analysis operations — dead. Covers blown. Relationships burned. Compromises compromised. Covert becomes overt. Black ops now transparent. Whoever hired him has to be sweating bullets. Looking to experience extraordinary rendition up close and personal. Headed straight for the Oppenheim Memorial Park water board slide. Or… this whole thing… is a ruse. Because in espionage, fog and smoke and mirrors are assets. These revelations could be part of a complicated disinformation campaign. Yeah. Sure. It’s an old Gestapo trick. You sacrifice one of your own to gain the trust of the enemy. All’s fair when rooting out the tangos. Down the rabbit hole, maybe Snowden is in deep cover play-
WILL DURST
ing some counter-counter-intelligence game. And that alleged activity of his: bona fides to build up the legend. A provocative provocateur. Defective defector. Sanitized sleeper. Mole boy. Dry-cleaned decoy. Triple cross. Lulling Putin into a false sense of security to get him alone. And then. Bam. Sodium pentothal. Especially consider ing we’ve only lost a few ob solete tradecrafts. And the ability to appear offended when other countries are caught spying on us. But you can bet we’ll still look and sound and act just as grievously upset as they do right now. More so. Because we’re better at that too. Do you see what’s going down? Good. Now leave through the kitchen. Don’t forget the extra twenty for me. Zero Hero The perfect time to address disappointment is go to never and wait. Most of us would rather speak of inadvertent bowel movements in public. Especially when the person you’re bummed with is a loved one. Whatever it takes not to look them in the eye: going so far as to hold your hands over your ears making woo-woo noises. Folks have been known to sleep in the garage. It’s the Democrats sleeping in the garage these days, because they cannot make eye contact with the leader of their own party. The liberal exodus off the presidential bandwagon has become so monumental, we’re approaching klaxon fire-drill evacuation levels. AAUUUGUAH! “Not really sure.” “Didn’t know.” “So sorry.” The last couple months witnessed a bout of administration policy blunders that made the rounds of disastrous to calamitous with a side trip to fiasco. To his compatriots, the phrase Barack Obama Leadership Skills, is similar to saying Paula Deen Apollo Theater bookings. The situation has pretty much distilled down into three camps. The portion of the party a little to the left of Fidel that will never be happy until Barry twitches his nose and world peace and an end to planetary hunger simultaneously fall out. The centrists who don’t quite understand what all the hubbub is about or why everyone is so mad at the president. After all, he hasn’t done anything. And Joe Biden. Not all the fault should be laid at the president’s feet. He was hailed by progressives as a savior who would part the heavens and cause yoga pants to rain down on them like snowflakes. Which was understandable, because after all, he was, ostensibly a Democrat, and following eight years of George W. Bush, Cardinal Richelieu would have seemed progressive. But in truth, Barack was always a middle-of-the-road kind of guy. A facilitator who brought people together. Of course, the only way to bring the squabbling children inside today’s Beltway together is through the use of a wind tunnel, fire hose and 55-gallon drum of industrial-strength glue. Obama’s strengths are inspiration, vision and focus. Turning him into a bipartisan baby sitter is like throwing a saddle on a fish. You don’t send a constitutional lawyer into the Wrangler National Rodeo Finals and expect him to end the night wearing a Champion Bullrider trophy buckle. But with confused dithering on Syria, followed by a government shutdown and then an Affordable Care Act rollout less nimble than a giraffe in a disco, Democrats are falling off the Presidential bus faster than milk sours in Mexico on an August afternoon. Fall off? Jumping off. Like Maui sunbath ers at a stop sign next to a com pli men tary sand-out-of-your-butt plastic spatula stand. Of course, this is the moment in a second term where this sort of thing goes down. Reagan had the Contras. Clinton had Monica. Bush had Katrina. And now Obama has miasma. But don’t count him out. No matter what you think of Obama’s policies, you got to admire his ability not to get involved in them. He’s the opposite of a super hero. He’s a Zero Hero. And if you’re looking for a silver lining, we can all agree he’s starting to make Joe Biden look presidential. Maybe that’s the plan, man. Will Durst’s new one-man show, “Boomer Aging: From LSD to OMG,” is presented every Tuesday at The Marsh, San Francisco. Go to themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.
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HUMOR TIMES
December, 2013
ObamaScare (conclusion)
Sports
The president said he could make it all better...
Sports controversies continue...
and proceeded to get the best and the brightest on it.
spawning lots of coverage...
He’s fighting hard... and bringing up uncomfortable issues...
but success really depends on one thing.
December, 2013
that can make you cringe.
HUMOR TIMES
7
The Hightower Lowdown Monsanto Buys a Food Prize As Lily Tomlin has noted, “No matter how cynical you get, it’s almost impossible to keep up.” For example, imagine if a prestigious group announced that this year’s “World Environmental Prize” is being awarded to BP, for its unique contribution to the ecology of the Gulf of Mexico. No way, you say? Too absurd? Right, but try this one: Imagine that an Iowa group announces that its “World Food Prize” will go to Monsanto for pushing its patented, pricey, genetically-tampered Frankenseeds on impoverished lands as an “answer” to global hunger. This would be so morally perverse that the “cyn” in cynical would be spelled s.i.n. Yet, it has actually happened. Rather than encouraging sustainable farming and self-sufficiency in impoverished communities as a way to alleviate poverty and malnutrition around the world, this year’s World Food Prize has been “won” by a profiteering, biotech, seed-and-chemical monopolist that’s the freakish opposite of sustainability. Monsanto, which owns 90 percent of the world’s genetically modified seeds, is globally infamous for bullying
family farmers, bribing and corrupting governments, stiffing independent scientific inquiries into its hokum, running false ads and fraudulent PR campaigns, and going all out to keep consumers from knowing that the crops produced by its seeds contain alien, bio-engineered DNA and have not been tested for long-term health and environmental problems. Why would this avaricious outfit get any sort of award, much less one that can give it a false le git i macy as a cor po rate “sav ior” for the world’s poor? Perhaps because Monsanto is a major funder of the World Food Prize. Indeed, the foundation that hands out the award is headquartered in downtown Des Moines in a historic building that recently got a spiffy remodeling, thanks to a $5 million donation from — you guessed it — Monsanto. The corporate honoree has also been a steady donor to the food prize foundation, giving some $400,000 to its promotion of industrial agribusiness in the last dozen years. How cynical is that? Even Lily Tomlin wouldn’t have imagined it. It was my privilege to go to Des Moines last week for Monsanto’s World Food Prize extrava-
ganza. Well, I didn’t exactly get into the ceremony where the halo was being fitted on this predatory proliferator of proprietary GMO seeds. In fact, I wasn’t even allowed to enter the Monsanto-financed edifice, wasn’t invited to sip sauvignon blanc at the Rockefeller reception on the patio, and didn’t get to mingle with the cor po rate, po lit i cal, and foun da tion backscratchers at the official hullabaloo. Rather, I was down the street at the graceful First United Methodist Church, where more than 500 of us scruffy “outsiders” gathered in pro test of the Monsanto ab sur dity. There, real-life Iowa farmers spoke plainly about the myriad of abuses they have endured at the hands of the genetic manipulator. One pointed out that if the corporation genuinely gave even one damn about hunger, it could’ve used its immense lobbying clout in Washington this year to stop Congress from stripping the entire food stamp program from the farm bill. Instead, Monsanto didn’t lift a finger to help fend off hunger in our own country. It doesn’t care at all about feeding the world, he said with disgust, it cares about profits, period. Indeed, Monsanto is a pitch-perfect example of what Pope Francis was referring to in May, when he declared: “The worship of the golden calf of old has found a new and heartless image
JIM HIGHTOWER in the cult of money and the dictatorship of an economy which is faceless and lacking any truly humane goal.” How ironic, then, that Monsanto bought this food prize for itself in order to masquerade as a world hunger fighter, hoping to persuade the Vatican to bless its demonic effort to force the world’s poor farmers to buy and become dependent on its altered seed. The World Food Prize Foun da tion has grandly dubbed its award “The Nobel Prize for Agriculture.” But Monsanto has zero to do with agri-Culture. It is the agri-Business face of the cult of money that Francis warned about — and it has turned this award into the “Ignoble Prize.” “We know now that Government by organized money is just as dangerous as Government by organized mob.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt, in an address at Madison Square Garden, New York City, October 31, 1936
All Aboard Airlines are experiencing some turbulence...
and security is still a problem.
But there is some good news...
8
so please be seated, if you can.
HUMOR TIMES
December, 2013
I Spy Some say the NSA is an out of control monster...
and it’s clear that they’ve overstepped boundaries.
They can hear (all of) you now...
and history will not look kindly on them.
It’s an uncomfortable situation...
that needs to be rectified.
The president may have to do some soul searching...
December, 2013
before it’s too late.
HUMOR TIMES
9
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
“We Report, You Decry!” In Sports
Bengals Hire Incognito to Bully Andy Dalton CINCINNATI, OH – Fol low ing two straight losses and some inconsistent play by quarterback Andy Dalton, the Cincinnati Bengals have enlisted the help of former Miami Dolphins line man Richie Incognito. Incognito has been hired to bully Andy Dal ton in hopes of improving his per formance. “ I ’ m d i s a ppointed in the team’s execution,” said head coach Marvin Lewis. “There’s a sense of direction and discipline that I’ve been unable to instill. My voice is shot and my forearms hurt from shaking guys by their face masks. I think this is an excellent time to bring in that fat, hillbilly bully and see what he can do.” Incognito was quick to take the job, feeling that his suspension from the Dolphins will permanent. “I’m not exactly what you would call super employable,” he explained. “There’s not much out there for a hulking bully with a low IQ who has been accused of racism. Back in the day, I woulda made a great busboy at Denny’s, but we all know that Mexicans are stealing those jobs now.” Having secured the position, Incognito says he is looking forward to getting down to work. “First, I’m gonna have to get the red-haired fairy’s phone number,” Incognito explains. “Then I’m gonna let that potato eating ginger freak know that wherever he turns, I’ll be there. I’ll also have to think up all kind of other bad names to call him. Maybe I should do some research by listening to sports talk radio. Then, once I get Dalton straightened out, I’m hoping Mike Brown hires me as a life-coach.” Reported by DerfMagazine.com
Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
Revealed: Bernie Madoff Almost Opted for Less Criminal ‘Fonzie Scheme’ NEW YORK – In a surprising series of revelations yesterday, former investment tycoon and cur rent res i dent of Butner Prison, Bernie Madoff, admitted to the press that he came very close to not going through with his infamous Ponzi scheme back in the late 1970?s. We flew to North Carolina and spoke with him in person. “It was 1975,” Madoff said. “Gerald Ford was president. The Reds had just won the World Series. And I was in love with two things: money and Arthur Fonzerelli. You might say I had a choice to make. But I guess you already know which one won out.” Apparently, Bernie Madoff, the man with high aspirations for even higher finance, was ready to give it all up and go on the road as an impersonator of the Fonze. “It was the perfect scheme. I called it the ‘Fonzie Scheme’.”
Even a cursory glance from the unobservant is enough to reveal the uncanny resemblance be-
Bernie Madoff and “The Fonze,” Henry Winkler.
tween Mr. Money and Mr. Cool. Bernie, sitting on the edge of his cot, glazed over for a moment and spoke as if he were alone with his thoughts.
White House: “ObamaScare” Website Was Just a Halloween Stunt A Humor Times exclusive report Amongst rising criticism, the administration now says the ACA website troubles were all a “harmless Halloween prank.” “The problems were created intentionally, as a Halloween prank to scare the bejesus out of people,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney at a press conference today. “In-house, we called it ‘ObamaScare,’ and had a lot of good laughs. We especially enjoyed watching those TV pundits get their panties all in a bunch!” The president released a statement on the matter, saying, “We thought we’d have a bit of Halloween fun is all. Lighten up, America! You’ll get your health care. We’ll put the real website up as a Christmas present on December 25th, it works like a charm.” After reading the statement, Carney put down his prepared notes and said, “We just found out about all the hubbub the website roll-out has
Huge Finale for Breast Cancer Awareness Month Just when we all thought the National Breast the rich). Cancer Foundation had topped itself this month Sure, lighting the White House in a rosy by talking the White House into “glowing pink” glow was a pretty huge feat,” said Johanna for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, many wit- Whitcomb, “but the large pink breast glowing nessed a rare treat in the westfrom space, well, we when we ern sky on October 31 to mark were approached by a company the end of the month-long camby the name of Hugh G. Producpaign against one of the worst tions and told they could pull diseases to strike women all this off, we had no doubts that it over the world. could and should be done.” “Lo o k, mo m my, ” s ai d Whitcomb says that by and Samantha Jones, a first grader large, the reaction to shining a at Long Is land El e men tary huge pink breast in the western School to her mother, pointing sky was positive. She did admit at the sky around dusk. “It’s a that a few mothers called to tell giant pink boobie.” Indeed, us that it was a bit over the top, Breast Cancer Awareness pink what Samantha was seeing was especially since there would be boob in the sky. a giant pink breast shining in young im pres sion able male the western sky reminding everyone just how children who might witness the event, “but huge a problem breast cancer is. overall,” she said, “we couldn’t pass up the op“We wanted to go out with a bang,” claims portunity to shine the largest breast we could to the foundation’s manager, who admitted the remind everyone that this is a huge, huge probfoundation was getting some negative feedback lem.” from some folks who claim that there was just Asked if Whitcomb could say what is in store too much pink this year. for next year’s Breast Cancer Awareness event, “We were told by quite a few people that she replied she could not. “I mean, c’mon. Short while they were behind finding a cure for breast of having the space shuttle pull a pink banner cancer, they had about enough of the pink for behind it on its next trip around the earth, I think every thing from t-shirts and mugs to pink we pretty well nailed it with the pink breast.” glow-in-the-dark gummy breasts” (a specialty We couldn’t agree more. item made for several bachelorette parties for – P. Beckert, Humor Times.
caused. We don’t watch much cable news around here, that shit will drive anyone batty. Sorry, CNN.” “Anyway, hell,” he went on, “we had the best internet brains in the country on the president’s re-elec tion committee. Did you all re ally think we couldn’t handle a little ol’ website?” Re ac ti on has been swift. CNN’s Wolf Blitzer was in New ObamaScare website model. Image by Dennis the “Situation Burger, flickr.com. Room” and said, “This is a bad situation. Really bad.”
12
“We chose the U.S. for 2013,” he continued, “not so much for one area in particular but because it’s animus is rich with diversity. There are innumerable groups (and extreme members within groups) who subsist almost entirely on their animosity toward others.” People all around the country, after learning the news, took to the streets to celebrate, embracing their anger and turning a negative into a positive-neg ative (don’t worry, we did the math). With signs and banners that read, “U.S. Hatorade Tastes the Best!” and “We Love to Hate,” America appears to be a country reborn. Like a beautiful angry rainbow, hordes of atheists, fundamentalists, democrats, republicans, libertarians, members of the Tea Party and Occupy, dentists, LGBT, KKK, Black Panthers, skinheads and much, much more, all came to-
Blitzer added a rhetorical question for the president: “Do you realize you made us look like fools? We spent HOURS trying to log on, wasting our viewers’ time, when we could have been screwing up so many more relevant stories, CNN-style.” Over at Fox, Gretchen Carlson nearly fainted on live television when she heard the news from a reporter on the scene. “What? What did you say? Unbelievable! We finally get a story right, and find out it was all a joke?! I’m going back to the Fox & Friends couch — I need some therapy.” On the website, which is still the “scary” version (until Christmas), some changes were visible. The name was changed to “ObamaScare” and the smiling woman on the home page was replaced with an image of a Halloween witch, who just hap pened to look a lot like Gretchen Carlson.
Man Responds to ‘Use This Weird Trick’ Ad; Gets Rich, Famous, Laid A Humor Times Special Report Jed Jackman, age 34, of Buffalo, New York, answered one of those “weird trick” ads online recently, and was pleasantly surprised. “I really didn’t expect any thing groundbreaking, I was just bored,” Jackman said, “so I clicked on it. Now my life is forever changed!” “Weird trick” ads have been proliferating on the internet recently, luring viewers in who are looking for “secret” methods to success, be it picking up dates, making lots of money, obtaining great abs, or just getting healthy. Experts say the ads have been successful because people like the idea of shortcuts. “Rather than having to put lots of time and effort doing real work to attain a goal, what if there were one little weird trick that could get you there?” asks Professor Samuel Urnsky of the University of Long Island School of Business. “It only takes a few seconds to find out, they figure, so why not try? Hmm, that sounds good. I think I’ll click on this one!” However, as many have discovered to their dismay, clicking on those ads usually leads to a long video or a page that scrolls on forever, as the advertiser tries to soften up a potential buyer before making the final sales pitch. But Jackman says he got lucky, and found
Americans Find Common Ground with Irreconcilable Divisions Hate really is a powerful thing. Powerful enough to divide a house, but apparently, under the right circumstances, strong enough to bring it back together too. The annual World Hate Awards Tour Extravaganza (or World HATE for short), which celebrates some of the greatest examples of enmity on our planet, recently announced this year’s winner: The United States. “Of course, it’s difficult to choose,” said Ima Gin, one of the organization’s council members. “There is so much hatred in our world that it would take a million organizations like us to highlight all of it. Africans hating Africans, Chinese hating Japanese, Russians hating Poles, Arabs hating Jews and vice-versa, North Koreans hating almost everyone, and on and on and on.”
“It was perfect, I tell you. No one could get hurt (well, except for a few lonely hearts).” Then, turning back to the camera and becoming increasingly animated, he said, “Is it too much to think that I could snap my fingers and happiness would appear? Or that maybe I could hit my hand on the hood of life and the world would turn on for me? Just like it did for him?! Maybe that’s exactly what I was doing all that time! Yeah, that’s right! I became him! I was the Fonze!” At this point, Bernie Madoff became silent for a few minutes and gazed out of the bars of his one room cell. “What does Henry f*%@ing Winkler know anyway?” – Reported by Humor Times Senior Crazy Scheme Correspondent, Jeff Boldt.
gether to cel e brate the oc casion, and at one point, began an impromptu ren di tion Celebrating hate in DC. of Paul McCartney’s song All You Need is (Hate). “Damn straight we won!” screamed one proud celebrant. “’Merica hate beats China hate any day! And any other God-forsaken country for that matter. Afghanistan, Jerkastan, and all the other Stans too! God bless ’Merica!” – Reported by Humor Times Senior Divisions Correspondent, Jeff Boldt.
HUMOR TIMES
one that re ally wor ked. “I ’ m now rich and famous, and I get all the chicks I want. Really weird, huh?” “I watched the presentation, and said to my self, ‘that looks easy’ — so I did it!” he This cat is willing to sell his said. brilliant weird trick idea to So, what was you. Photo by Marie Berne, the trick? “Well, if I told you, you’d get it for free, and that’s not how this stuff works. Besides, you have to read this article for 30 minutes before we can even get close to revealing the answer,” Jackman said. — SNIP [20 pages of this article have been cut here. To read it, try clicking on a ‘weird trick’ ad.] — “So, I finally said to myself, f*ck this sh*t,” explained Jackman. “If these ads are really convincing fools to spend their money on this crap, I should just make one myself!” He did, and now he’s rich, famous, and gets laid anytime he wants. There are other weird tricks that work, however. Here are a few: • Be as weird as Weird Al Yankovic. • Discover an oil field under your yard. • Win a huge lottery. • Have a super-rich family, like the Koch brothers or the Wal-mart Waltons, as good friends who will give you a few million dollars to get started. • Start a SuperPac that the above types donate to, then pilfer a few million from the account for “legitimate” expenses. *wink, wink* • Be a fat cat on Wall Street. • Become a great actor or athlete, or a successful politician who goes into the lucrative lobbying sector. • Get born to rich and famous parents. We hope this weird article helps you find your way to easy success. It certainly hasn’t helped this reporter one bit.
December, 2013
The Aftermath The shutdown finally ended...
and Republicans feel the public is warming up to them again.
Ted Cruz got what he wanted...
and the party hopes it does as well...
because they’re under seige.
They have succeeded on one level...
but making such a stink...
December, 2013
has created a real challenge. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
13
Aftermath (conclusion)
The Prez
Dick Cheney thinks the party is in great shape... A president can get preoccupied...
and Rand Paul could go on forever. making it hard to hear criticism.
The GOP will have to proceed cautiously, however... Obama’s signature legislation has problems...
but he can always count on his friends.
and find a new direction.
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HUMOR TIMES
December, 2013
Argus Sez
Holidaze Halloween is past...
The Mars Curiosity rover was rebooted by NASA Monday after it had an unexpected glitch this past weekend. So far the mission has been pretty disappointing. The Curiosity has found no signs of football, beer, or porn – destroying the theory that Men are from Mars. Bill Clinton said President Obama should keep his promise and let people keep their health plans. That is beyond parody. Next Toronto’s mayor will ask President Obama two questions, what was he smoking when he made that promise and does he have any left. WalMart announced it’ll open at six o’clock on Thanksgiving Day. It breaks up family time. It’s an American tradition to put two gallons of wine and a carving knife on a dinner table within reach of relatives who haven’t seen each other for one year, and watch the fun. Toronto mayor Rob Ford hinted Monday he may check into alcohol and drug rehab after videos revealed his Boogie Nights lifestyle. He’s up for re-election next year. Mayor Ford plans to run on his successful record of taking crack off the streets of Toronto.
and Christmas is knocking.
California state senator Gavin Newsome wrote a ballot measure to legalize marijuana in California. It’s a safety measure. Traffic engineers believe that fewer automobiles will crash into moving trains in California if no one can remember where they left their iPhone.
ARGUS HAMILTON Killing Kennedy drew record-high TV ratings for National Geographic Channel about the assassination of JFK. At the time of his slaying, The CIA, Castro. the Mafia, the NAACP, the Teamsters and the South were furious at him, plus he had six mistresses. In fifty years we have gone from wondering who killed Kennedy to realizing that everybody killed him. President Obama saluted the oldest World War II veteran Rich Overton Monday who is one hundred and seven. He said his secret is whiskey in his coffee and twelve cigars a day. The moment the first lady turned her back, he slipped President Obama a candy bar. Miley Cyrus smoked a joint while accepting an award at the MTV Awards Monday in Amsterdam immediately after Miley had twerked with a dwarf during a musical number. It had everybody talking. Until then, nobody thought that a dwarf could ever stoop so low. Jenna Jameson ended her porn retirement to be a webcam model who performs sex acts online for tips. This is a new business from the one she left. It’s so much easier to close a porn page on the Internet than it is to sprint across the room, eject a VHS tape and hide it.
It’s never too soon...
for a holiday tale.
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15
Miscellaneous Mischief
16
HUMOR TIMES
December, 2013
“The best time you can have with your clothes on…But it’s just as funny nude.” – comedian Will Durst
Don’t Be Selfish!
Share the Fun with Friends &Relatives!
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Quote of the month
“I can only say: I’m sorry, America. As a former Federal Reserve official, I was responsible for executing the centerpiece program of the Fed’s first plunge into the bond-buying experiment known as quantitative easing. The central bank continues to spin QE as a tool for helping Main Street. But I’ve come to recognize the program for what it really is: the greatest backdoor Wall Street bailout of all time.” – Andrew Huszar, who managed the Federal Reserve's $1.25 trillion mortgage-backed security purchase program, and wrote this in an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal 11/11/13.
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December, 2013
HUMOR TIMES
17
What Would Jesus Do? It’s a real disaster...
18
for hungry families.
Big agriculture continues to get big subsidies...
and fast food chains continue to shaft workers...
but so-called leaders are blind to their suffering.
So the debate continues.
There will always be the poor among us...
but who is willing to help them?
HUMOR TIMES
December, 2013
Thanks for All the Laughs through the Years, Humor Times!
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