Humor Times, Jan. 2014

“I believe that the officers, and, especially, the directors…should be held personally responsible when any corporation breaks the law.” – Theodore Roosevelt Issue #265

January, 2014

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HUMOR TIMES

January, 2014

Editor’s Letter Income inequality in the U.S. is getting a lot of attention lately, and for good reason. It is skyrocketing, with the top 1% now making over 40 times what the average person makes. The average income in 2012 for the bottom 90% in the U.S. was $30,997, while for the top 1% it was $1,264,064 (figures include capital gains for both).

In 1981, when Reagan took office, the ratio was 13.8 to 1, with the top 1% making $449,989 to the bottom 90%’s $32,672. Since then, the change has been quite dramatic, as you can see.

Perhaps if the middle class was still as comfortable as it was in its heyday, people wouldn’t mind so much. But it’s quite a slap in the face to be far more productive, as workers are now, and yet not share in the increased wealth. And when Wall Street banksters are allowed to speculate wildly with the country’s wealth and tank the economy as they did at the end of Bush’s term, and get bailed out while the rest of us suffer, well, let’s just say that gets even the easily-distracted American people’s attention.

The middle class continues to shrink dramatically, as they are forced to pay for the sins of the greedy. Meanwhile, the ultra-rich are getting ever-more powerful politically, which makes this sad state of affairs even more difficult to change. They now pretty much own congress and the office of the president, and for the most part, they get their way.

We need a new way forward. Unfettered capitalism is not working, except for the fat cats on top. It’s destroying our way of life, and in the end, perhaps life itself, what with the environmental destruction it is causing.

“The Case for Market Socialism” by Allan Goldstein makes an interesting proposal. (Read it at nationofchange.org.) In it, Goldstein says, “The markets are not some heavenly ordained thing, created perfect and whole from the day of conception. The markets, capitalism and economics are human constructs… We made the markets; we can change them.

“Market socialism seeks to change the rules... It lets the markets be the markets. But it sets some parameters. Work cannot equal poverty; every job must pay a living wage. Market Socialism demands that every law, every tax and every regulation for our economy be written with two goals in mind. Create all the wealth we can, and spread it around as widely as possible.”

Let’s not be afraid to look at new ways of doing things. In fact, it’s imperative for our survival to do so.

– James Israel, Publisher/editor The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 23, Issue 265, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217.

Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Argus Hamilton, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2014. No part may be reproduced without permission.

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Trickling Down to Zero It’s always a boost to the economy...

but not everyone feels the warmth of the holidays.

The 1% says tough love is the answer...

and that only the savviest will survive.

It’s a precarious time...

and help is sorely needed...

but only so much can be done.

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At least a budget was signed. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2014

Droning On Big business is doing well...

Santa went hi-tech this year...

and so is Wall Street...

but new delivery systems may be problematic.

but workers aren’t sharing in the prosperity.

It’s a new kind of drone...

Maybe a little creativity could help. but the kinks are still getting worked out.

January, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

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The Top 10 Comedic News Stories of 2013 Be still, your beating hearts. As we exultantly find ourselves in this festive place once again. The most wonderful time of the year. When squealing children race home from school to check and recheck their favorite news websites. Husbands and wives fight for possession of the living room tablet. Grandparents double up on their meds. Relax, everybody. It’s finally here. Yes, you may consider the Top 10 Comedic News Stories of 2013 officially released.

Some years make it darn near impossible from which to strain a few meager laughs. As amusing as a broken crutch on the edge of a toxic waste dump. But enough about Detroit. Because in terms of funny comedy humor, this year was lush and fecund like a tropical rain forest. Horsemeat discovered to be a major component of IKEA’s meatballs. And the teachable moment here could be not to look to Swedish furniture manufacturers for our nutritional needs.

It is pivotal to understand that the Top 10 Comedic News Stories of 2013 are in no way to be confused with the Top 10 Legitimate News Stories of 2013. No. No. No. They are as different as soy beans and lug nuts. Bluetooth and dental floss. Palm fronds and those weird, cone-shaped collars that dogs wear to keep from chewing their butts.

These are the stories and events of the year thus far, that most lent themselves to mocking and scoffing and taunting, as determined by the executive council of the Comics, Clowns, Jesters & Satirists Union. Which, as you probably have already guessed, is… me.

10. The president becomes a lame duck four months into his second term. Beyond lame duck. More of a quadriplegic platypus. Barack Obama Leadership Skills. Like saying Fukushima sushi. Paula Deen at the Apollo.

9. Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner attempts a comeback. And he proves once again that his name is also the source of most of his problems.

8. Pope Francis turns out to be a liberal Democrat while Pope Benedict stays busy updating his Christian Mingle profile.

7. To escape government persecution, world class leaker Edward Snowden runs first to China and then to Russia. Which is like joining the army because “you’re tired of people telling you what to do.”

6. Ted Cruz rallies fellow Tea Partiers by reading “Green Eggs and Ham” on the floor of the Senate, then misinterprets the moral of a book aimed at kindergarteners.

5. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admits using crack during one of

WILL DURST

his “drunken stupors.” Yes, plural. Subsequently sees his approval rating shoot up 5 points. Not saying Obama should replicate this strategy, but if the big, fat shoe fits…

4. Spying revelations shock America. Turns out the only way to keep the NSA from following our every move is by becoming one of their employees.

3. Dennis Rodman becomes a roving ambassador. Ambassador Worm. What’s next? Mike Tyson, Poet Laureate. Kim Kardashian, Molecular Chemistry Consultant. Tim Tebow, NFL QB. 2. Government shutdown. America comes excruciatingly close to defaulting. Again. And you know what happens then. We have to move back in with Britain.

1. Affordable Care Act website debacle. Most people decide it would be easier to let the NSA handle the whole thing. After all, they have all our information and probably know which plan best fits.

Enchant a Goblin Priest Think we can all agree these are pretty exciting times.

Matter of fact, might be more exciting than we had any inkling. Recent revelations indicate we’ve all become inadvertent assets in governmental spy operations. You may have thought the NSA was everywhere, but you didn’t know the half of it. And no, there shouldn’t be a humming, red LED under your bed.

The New York Times says our friends at the Black Chamber are not only opening our mail and listening to our phone calls, but are now lurking in and monitoring online game rooms like World of Warcraft and Second Life. Are those trolls or undercover spooks? Or both? Not just an operations chief but a night elf-hunter guild leader as well.

James Bond’s new assignment — to enchant a goblin priest.

Zelda — a princess, sure, but where does she go at night?

The professional eavesdroppers out of Fort Meade claim their only goal is to thwart terrorism but that’s pretty much their answer to everything these days, including lunch at Quizno’s. “Why do you always get the Italian combo?”

“National security.” “Please clean up the broken glass resulting from your idiot friends’ juvenile beer tossing antics.” “Can’t. National security.” “What happened to your toe?” “National F%*$!#G security.”

Who knows why they’re really creeping around? Could be checking out skill sets. Filling emergency requests from division commanders. “Major! Wander around Call of Duty: Black Ops II. We need an infantryman who can go to his left. If he could take out multiple drones with a single RPG, that wouldn’t hurt. Then check Grand Theft Auto for someone who can steer with his knees while switching magazines on an Uzi. And requisition more mushrooms from Mario.”

These data-mining epiphanies do us the double dirt of giving gamers a too convenient excuse as well. “Mother, pleeeease get off my back. I will have you know I am not wast ing time. I am gath er ing ex tremely crit i cal counterintelligence.” Nerds are the future of war. The elite soldiers of tomorrow can be found climbing ladders and throwing beer kegs at gorillas today.

And we know the NSA is cheating. Think of the secret backdoor codes they can uncover using their megawatt super computers. Orcish hordes evaporating. And knowing gamers, being under constant surveillance probably acts as an added attraction. Having the NSA watch every foray into gem collection only adds layers. Leading to subterfugal feints and the dropping of phony bread crumbs. If you can’t execute a quadruple cross, don’t bother.

Seems like we got this all turned around. It’s we people who should have the privacy with the government being transparent. Not to mention, the spectacle of federal employees spending whole days playing video games makes a man proud to pay his taxes, don’t it? If they were smart, they’d give each of us a free PlayStation. If they were smart.

Get used to it, people. There are no safe houses anymore.

The new Xbox has a camera and microphone that retain function while pointing at your couch even when the game is off. Someone is watching us watch television, and you know somebody else is watching them. We’re all going to end up like Gene Hackman at the end of “The Conversation.” “Coming This Winter. Paranoia: The Gathering.

Don’t just play the game. Be the game.”

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HUMOR TIMES

January, 2014

Big Headache The Obamacare website got fixed...

which really blew people’s minds.

Some say mandatory insurance won’t work...

and others want to make sure of it.

Still, the prez remains confident... perhaps overly so.

There have been some close calls...

January, 2014

and loopholes are being exploited.

HUMOR TIMES

7

The Hightower Lowdown Coca-Cola’s Conspiracy Against Tap Water Coca-Cola is running a stealth advertising campaign.

Stealth? Yes, it’s a nationwide product promotion that’s being run below the public radar!

Why would a corporation as ad-dependent as Coke spend big bucks on advertising that it doesn’t want consumers to notice? Shhhh — because the campaign is a surreptitious ploy to enlist restaurants in a marketing conspiracy that targets you, your children, and — of course — your wallet.

Coca-Cola calls its covert gambit “Cap the Tap,” urging restaurateurs to stop offering plain old tap water to customers: “Every time your business fills a cup or glass with tap water, it pours potential profits down the drain.” Cap the Tap can put a stop to that, says Coke, “by teaching (your) crew members or waitstaff suggestive selling techniques to convert requests for tap wa ter into or ders for rev e nue-gen er at ing beverages.”

The program provides a guide for restaurant managers who agree to direct Coke’s sneak attack on customers. It also supplies a handy back-

room poster to remind waitstaff “when and how to suggestively sell beverages,” plus a participant’s guide to put “suggestive selling” foremost in mind as staff confronts the enemy… uh, I mean customers. Tactics include outflanking those recalcitrant customers who insist on water.

Just switch the sales pitch to bottled water — remember, Coca-Cola also owns Dasani, one of the top-selling brands of bottled water in the U.S. Early in its Cap the Tap scheme, the beverage behemoth offered two incentive programs for waitstaff: “Suggest More and Score” and “Get Your Fill.” Both were competitions meant to spur servers to push more Coke on American restaurant-goers.

To add a splash of bitter irony to this campaign, Coke’s CEO recently declared that “obesity is today’s most challenging health issue,” adding piously that solving it requires “all of us working together and doing our part.” Really — by selling more Coke? That’s proof that hypocrisy is now the official rocket fuel of corporate profits.

For even more proof, check out the Beverage Institute for Health & Wellness. Sounds like a

spa in Aspen where you might enjoy a cleansing regimen of organic Aloe vera smoothies and biodynamic wine, doesn’t it? But, no, it’s a hokey “sci ence” front owned and run by Coca-Cola. The world’s largest beverage purveyor wants you to be assured that none of its sugary, empty-calorie or artificially sweetened concoctions are a cause of obesity. Hey, shouts Coke’s instituters, three or more colas a day are simply part of an integrated, healthy diet — for children and adults alike! “There is no scientific evidence that connects sugary beverages to obesity,” snapped a top Coke executive. Uh … actually, nutritionists disagree, pointing to all the empty calories in Coca-Cola’s syrupy concoctions. The exec had a simple response to that: “We don’t believe in empty calories.”

Oh, well, then — OK. But, in the off chance that you might want a more independent scientific source, try the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics, billed as the world’s largest organization of food and nutrition professionals. But wait — while the academy is not owned by Coke, it does lease out its integrity to the cola giant. Coca-Cola is listed on the acad emy’s website as a generous sponsor and “partner” in its scientific work.

In fact, the academy certifies Coke’s Beverage Institute for Health & Wellness as an official

JIM HIGHTOWER provider of “continuing education” for registered dieticians. How neat — a corporation that profiteers by peddling nutritionally worthless and health-endangering products finances the academic outfit that’s most responsible for educating Americans about healthy foods. And that academy, in turn, embraces the corporate fiction that sugary drinks pose no health problems.

That’s not irony; it’s shameful corruption.

The greatest obesity crisis in America is not the cola itself, but the fatheaded ethics of single-minded corporate profit-seekers and their apologists.

“If by a ‘Liberal’ they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people – their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights and their civil liberties ... if that is what they mean by a ‘Liberal,’ then I'm proud to say I’m a liberal.” – John F. Kennedy

‘News’ Media Cable “news” is a special breed...

where faux outrage is the norm.

Megan Kelly seems to lose it now and then...

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but it doesn’t really matter in the end.

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2014

Holidaze

Jesus Freak

Eyes got big during the holiday season...

There’s a new Pope in town...

and Santa had a lot to deal with.

and he’s got a different style.

But as the Christmas spirit spread...

But some say he’s a radical...

it was not without controversy.

January, 2014

who just doesn’t get it.

HUMOR TIMES

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Local Woman Deletes Friend from Facebook Social media giant Facebook shaken with the news A woman has deleted one of her Facebook friends, this writer has learned.

“I was just tired of her shit. Always post ing pic tures of her ugly kids and sending me game re quests,” Christina McDonald said. “Enough is enough!”

McDonald posted a Facebook status saying that she was going to delete some people from her Facebook page, which set the social media giant on fire with gossip.

“I wasn’t messing around!” McDonald later said. “The world notices when I’m fed up.”

The friend that McDonald deleted had no comment, but friends close to the person said she didn’t “like” it.

By Lee Mays, Humor Times Senior Social Media Time-Wasting Correspondent

Surgeon General Warning: Humor Times Habit-Forming Surgeon General Regina Benjamin, MD, warned readers about the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter, upsetting weaker stomachs.

“We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’ but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much.

Be careful, America,” she cautioned.

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Jesus Returns to Earth to Defend Pope Francis on “Marxism” Charges Son of God begs to differ with Christians regarding new Pope Jesus Christ made a brief appearance in the mortal world on Monday, holding a press conference in the United States to defend Pope Francis against claims by mis in formed right-wing American pundits that his efforts to champion global wealth equality are somehow Marxist, socialist, and/ or communist in nature.

“Pope Francis wasn’t espousing Marxist, socialist, or communist ideologies. And for the record, idiots, those three things are completely different,” said a very irate Lord and Savior.

“What Frankie was actually promoting were the fundamentals of Christianity. You know, that global religion based on the stuff I, me, Jesus Christ, said? Yeah, those fundamentals.”

“I’m sick to death of peo ple like Rush Limbaugh or Sarah Palin taking the things I said and ma nip u lat ing it to suit their po lit i cal agenda,” Jesus continued. “My message was pretty simple, folks. Love everyone as you yourself want to be loved. Pay your damn taxes without whining about it. And if you’re wealthy, help people less fortunate than you, and never belittle them or make them feel crappy because

you’re better off than they are.

“It’s all in the New Testament, people.

Read the damn book or don’t pretend to follow it! If me and some friends are having a conversation about `Game of Thrones,’ and someone comes along and hears us talking about it, and they want to talk about it too, I’ll tell them, `hey, go watch the shows or read the books, then join in the conversation, because how can you have an opinion on the Red Wedding if you don’t even know what that even is?’”

Jesus then took questions from the media in attendance. One reporter asked if there were any other subjects he felt like weighing in on. “Sure there are. Hey, Megyn Kelly? Take a good long hard look at me. I’m a Middle-Eastern dude… not white. And another thing for so-called `Christian Conservatives’ in America?

Yeah, I never once said anything about homosexuality. Not one thing. Ever. My dad wasn’t a big fan, but like most kids, I’m more progressive than he ever was. I don’t care who you marry, so long as you love each other and treat each other

STUDY: 100% of New Year’s Resolutions Broken by Mid-Morning on New Year’s Day WASHINGTON, DC – The New England Journal of Medicine and Psychology has released a study that finds resolutions made for the new year are routinely shattered by mid-morning on New Year’s Day. The study indicates countless resolutions have been broken by virtually every U.S. resident.

Details of the report indicate the majority of people in the U.S. have already decided to abandon exercise plans. Also, all household budgets have been exceeded, families watched more TV than on the same day a year ago, and all smokers relapsed by late morning. Alcohol consumption has seen a massive increase starting in the early afternoon on January 1, 2014. Diets were been

Uncle Jang Song Thaek Truly Astonished by His Nephew’s Surprise Party Jang Song Thaek, second top gun in the amazing how some cannot exist simply on the North Korean Political Machine and uncle to goodness of our co-operative nation that so the country’s President Kim Jon Un, was truly greatly takes care of its people!” astonished at the sur“Indeed, young Un. prise party his nephew My, is not the Taedong had for him recently.

River lovely today?”

“This is amazing!”

“It is, Exalted Uncle, s t a t e d Jang , w h o it is. It is ever a part of seemed genuinely asus. For some of us it will tonished by the large even be more so…” contingent of soldiers Un suddenly stopped waiting for him outside a few paces ahead of the Politburo. “But it isJang a nd a bruptly n’t even my birthday!” turned around. “Here “Oh, don’t concern Uncle! We wish to make yourself with that, dear Jon Un’s Uncle Jang Song Thaek in better times. a photo shoot.”

Uncle! You are such a “ O h, a ga in? O h, favorite of mine that every day should be a well, I guess we must always have photos for birthday,” schmoozed Jong Un, wearing the the masses to remind them of our benevolent best smile he could summon at the moment. “I presence watching over them.” have assembled this entire platoon to escort us “Yes Uncle. And especially yours. You have as we take a walk along the river.” been leading so many around by the nose. Stand “Why that is very fine of you, dear nephew!” here please, with your back to the river.” smiled Jang broadly. “Of late I had been getting “But aren’t we a bit close to the water?” the impression that you were tired of me. I know “No, dear Leader Uncle. Just you.” this has not been an easy year for us, what with “Well, as you wish.” your fathers death and all the intrigues of the of“We are going to start off with a 40 shotgun fice that comes with your learning to be the new salute to you.”

Great Leader.”

“Umm, don’t you mean 40 gun salute?”

“Yes, dear Uncle, you have taught me well. I “Sweetest Uncle, it is in all forms a recogniwould never have guessed that such dou- tion of your service. Goodbye!” ble-dealings were going on just beneath the surBy Roger Freed, Humor Times Evil Nephew faces of our wonderful socialist society. It is Correspondent

abandoned in the very early hours of the morning. “ T h i s shows a ma r ke d i ncrease in discipline from some past year’s studies,” said the Jour nal’s Dr. Pe ter Northampton. “In the mid-80’s, we found that most new year’s resolutions were being broken before the sun came up on New Year’s Day. It is a testimony to the American spirit that so many are now lasting almost until noon.”

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, but unfortunately, he can’t pay his mounting debt and therefore won’t be visiting your home with lots of toys and goodies.

Due to the economic downturn felt all over the globe, Santa Claus International has been forced to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

A press release announced that Santa’s beloved toy operation would no longer exist, and he would be staying put in the North Pole this year instead of delivering toys to children and adults around the world.

“Do you know how much an ounce of pixie dust costs these days?” asked a forlorn Santa.

Standard and Poor’s has downgraded Santa Claus International’s credit rating to a B minus, causing investors to pull out and put their money in other ventures.

This financial hit forced St. Nick to lay off over half his elves and ship production of many of his toys to China. Santa noted that it pains him to see so many favorites like Lincoln logs and the game Twister now bearing the stamp, “Made in China.”

“And here’s the real kicker,” said Santa.

“The Chinese government holds a good portion of my debt and they have decided this year to call in their chips.”

Santa believes the President of the People’s Republic of China is getting back at him for a slight that happened many years ago when he, Xi Jinping was eight years old.

“I remember Xi very well,” said Santa. “He wanted a toy convertible car. But all we had left was a wooden truck. Of course, I knew this

12

Paris Hilton Wears Bikini in Dubai In related news: Paris Hilton is Now Missing

him.

Here are the results: Adam Le vine’s Fi an cee Laughed, and Apparently it Was at Him Beyonce and Jay Z Ate Vegan for Lunch, Of fend Sensitive Cows Everywhere Pamela Anderson is Now a Brunette (and no, we’re not kidding)!

“I had high hopes of fulfilling my resolutions this year,” said Martin Akers of Paramus, NJ. “My resolution to eat right started out with a delicious breakfast of grapefruit, dry whole grain toast, and two egg whites. I guess what really did me in after that is...it’s a horrible disgusting breakfast and I needed some real food. A dozen Krispy Kreme donuts later and I was a broken, but very satisfied man.”

The study was conducted using a sample of four thousand adults. The margin of error is +/3%, with most errors being blamed on people unable to fully complete the survey because they needed to take a cigarette break.

– Reported by DerfMagazine.com

Santa Claus Forced to File Chapter 11 Bankruptcy

Research Shows Fingers All You Need to Type on Keyboard The Institute of Neurological Research, located in Berkeley California, released a shocking new report on human brain function and development yesterday.

Though initially seeking to gain further understanding as to how homo sapiens are able to per form com plex tasks at high lev els of intelligences (or how our brains work), they unwittingly made a very shocking discovery.

The report shows that the body has somehow learned to carry out moderately high-level tasks apart from any brain function whatsoever.

In order to prove this, the team of researchers put a Yahoo! Breaking News editor into a light coma and then placed a keyboard in front of

Pope Francis: Marxist? Jesus begs to differ.

as well as you can. End of debate!”

“Look, I’d love to stick around, but I have a birthday coming up soon and there’s some planning to do. Jesus, out!” With this, Jesus disappeared in a puff of white smoke. Rush Limbaugh and other pundits have yet to comment on the puzzling visit.

By M at t R ock, Par don t he Pun di t , ptpsatire.com

And the news hits just kept coming. This enlightening scientific discovery is being hailed as the one of the greatest of our time and is provoking interest from celebrities to politicians to pop stars all over the world.

Not to be Outdone, Jullianne Hough Wowed the Whole World with her Extensions

One wonders what else can be (and has been) accomplished without brain activity.

‘Jurassic Park’ Star Joseph Mazzello is All Grown Up Now

By Jeff Boldt, Senior Keyboard Correspondent

HUMOR TIMES

wouldn’t satisfy the privileged youth, but what could I do? We didn’t receive his letter until late in the season.

Little did I know that one little mistake in judg ment would come back to bite me in the ass years later.”

The jolly fat man says he does have a cou pl e of tricks left up his sleeve to save Christmas, but they are long shots.

“Our storehouse at the North Pole is filled to the rafters with toys that, while overnight sensations of their time, never really had staying power. We have about 500,000 or so pet rocks, a million and a half mood rings, and thousands of bootleg Tickle Me Elmos, among other discontinued items. The thing is, giving these out to kids who nowadays are expecting much more exciting gifts may do more to harm than good.”

And then there is ‘Duck Dynasty.’ Santa claims that the producers at A&E have told him they are sitting on a ton of unsold duck calls, bob ble head fi g ures, and Chia pet Si Robertsons, with the controversy surrounding Phil Robertson’s recent comments.

Walmart seems to be the only major chain that hasn’t stopped selling Duck Dynasty promotional products. A&E has offered the whole lot to Santa for less than cost.

The Trustee assigned to Santa Claus International’s bankruptcy case says that while Santa is never one to look a gift horse in the mouth (no pun intended), taking gifts from a group of biased duck hunters is entirely a different story.

So, the question on everyone’s mind is, “Will Santa Claus International be able to survive Chapter 11 bankruptcy in time to ready itself for Christmas 2014?” Short of a bi-partisan effort to save Christmas, most financial prognosticators say probably not.

But there is hope, say most Christian religious leaders. After all, Santa was never the reason for the season in the first place.

By P. Beckert, Senior Santa Correspondent

January, 2014

The Right Stuff The GOP is proud of their platform...

their budget priorities...

and their accomplishments.

The Tea Party branch has issues...

but the party as a whole is making progress...

despite some setbacks.

Meanwhile, Liz Cheney is running for office...

January, 2014

giving cause for a family celebration.

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13

The Prez The president pardoned a turkey or two... and sent his V.P. to China.

He backed a change in filibuster rules... and made some technical upgrades.

Obama praised Mandela’s efforts for peace... and then continued with his drone strikes.

He likes drones a lot...

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and may even outsource some jobs.

HUMOR TIMES

January, 2014

Nuclear Roulette The president made a bold move...

Argus Sez Duck Dynasty’s family patriarch Phil Robertson was put on hiatus by A&E Network after he compared homosexuality to bestiality in a GQ interview. The guy’s very lucky. Phil could have lost his entire viewer base if he’d said that in a Field and Stream interview.

Toronto crack-smoking mayor Rob Ford was videotaped dirty-dancing with staffers and female council members at the city council’s Christmas party. AA has really helped him. The other day, he called them after his battery died and they came and picked him up.

The Mega Millions lottery’s jackpot drawing wound up having two winners, one from Georgia and one from California. The two states have an inverted relationship. Georgia started out as a prison colony while California has evolved into one.

Fox News said the two Mega Millions jackpot lottery winners will split six hundred and fifty million dollars. Last year’s huge jackpot winner gave his homeless brother a new home.

It was the cardboard box from his new seventy-two-inch TV.

but some are being just as bold to stop him.

The Pentagon ordered Shaw Air Force Base in South Carolina to take down the base’s Nativity Scene. The locals are furious. It’s amazing how the birth of Jesus became world famous when his mother never posted any of his baby pictures on Facebook.

ARGUS HAMILTON Prince Charles demanded that Muslim nations stop persecuting Christians. It’s about time the West got tough with the world’s tyrants. Last week, John McCain called Kim Jung Un a circus clown which, while insulting, still makes him eligible to be vice president.

North Korea’s Kim Jung Un executed his uncle for drunkenness and womanizing before Dennis Rodman arrived. It’s clear what’s going on. In addition to selling missiles, North Korea is trying to raise currency by advertising itself as a last-chance rehab.

President Obama was advised in a review to order the NSA to stop data-mining phone calls of citizens of foreign countries. Mexico is furious about the practice. It’s not enough that we’re spying on U.S. citizens but we’re also spying on future U.S. citizens.

California Governor Jerry Brown was reported to be considering a run for president. He has a chance. He just signed a law funding research for driverless cars in California, knowing that this technology’s crucial if we’re ever gonna have texting while driving again.

Florida State’s James Winston won the Heisman Trophy after his rape charges were dropped by a state prosecutor who’s an FSU alum. It won’t hurt the super-talented quarterback’s future. He says he’s innocent and Jerry Jones said that’s good enough for him.

U.S. agents strip-searched and jailed a female Indian diplomatic consul in New York for underpay ing her nanny and visa violations, sparking outrage at the U.S. in Delhi and throughout India. We’re on our own with the website problems now. Even Jimmy Carter wouldn’t be stupid enough to humiliate India if he needed t ech sup por t t o save hi s administration.

China’s government successfully made a soft landing on the moon with a space craft, setting off Chinese national pride and celebration.

Americans could only smile wistfully. It harkened back to the days when the U.S. government could get a website to work.

The Justice Department agreed to observe the month of January as National Stalking Awareness Month. It took everyone awhile to nail down an exact definition. Stalking is when two people go out for a long, romantic walk together, and only one of them knows it.

Barbara Walters blasted Obamacare, saying Barack Obama did not turn out to be the Messiah. The lesson is still strikingly similar. Jesus also got crucified when he healed the sick and he didn’t charge the sick five hundred-dollar monthly premiums for it.

New York state lawmakers offered a bill to legalize marijuana in the Empire State to raise needed tax revenue. Other states have found it also lowers the crime rate. Once pot is legal, murders are pretty much limited to people who are within range of your couch.

Opponents see it as a fool’s errand...

or worse.

January, 2014

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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HUMOR TIMES

January, 2014

January, 2014

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Big Brother

End of an Era

The NSA is everywhere...

and people are noticing.

They say they’ve got a job to do...

but they’ve gone way too far.

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HUMOR TIMES

January, 2014

Thanks for All the Laughs through the Years, Humor Times!

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