Humor Times, Feb. 2014

“A democracy cannot be both ignorant and free.” – Thomas Jefferson Issue #266

February, 2014

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HUMOR TIMES

February, 2014

Editor’s Letter

You’re Going to Love the River in 2014!

The Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) being negotiated right now by countries and corporations would be a disaster for the world environment and world citizens. The agreement gives global corporations as much or more power than sovereign countries, allowing them to override environmental and labor law through secret courts, if they are deemed to cut into their sacred profits.

There has been widespread opposition to the agreement, which has been called NAFTA on steroids, and the popular resistance is starting to show signs of progress.

As the Global Research website notes: After four years of secret negotiations with more than 600 corporate advisers, the once seemingly invincible largest trade bill in history, covering 40% of the world’s economy, looks very much like it can be defeated.

Why is the TPP looking like it can be stopped? One reason is its secrecy.

Leaks are sinking the TPP like the Titanic on its way to the bottom of the ocean. Ron Kirk, the former US Trade Rep said they were keeping it secret because the more people knew, the less they would like the TPP and it would become so unpopular it could never become law.

Each leak has proven him right.

This week, Wikileaks published the Environmental Chapter. The bottom line – there is no enforcement to protect the environment. The TPP is worse than President George W. Bush’s trade deals. Mainstream environmental groups are saying the TPP is unacceptable.

Similarly, the leak of the Intellectual Property Chapter revealed that it created a path to patent everything imaginable, including plants and animals, to turn everything into a commodity for profit. The Obama administration was pushing it way beyond normal intellectual property law in order to increase profits for everything from pharmaceuticals to text books.

The refrain is always the same: profits come first. The necessities of the people and protection of the planet come last.

The “fast-tracking” of the bill in the U.S. is nothing short of criminal and must be stopped. Write your representatives, sign online petitions, talk to your friends and neighbors. This is one of those fights that simply must be won.

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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 23, Issue 266, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Argus Hamilton, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above.

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February, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

3

Bridgegate Gov. Christie was shocked – shocked! – at allegations...

and insisted that he runs a tight ship.

His press conference cleared up a lot...

and he made some adjustments.

But then came new revelations...

and his reputation as a heavyweight took a hit.

One can just imagine him in the White House...

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or not.

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2014

Polar Vortexgate It got very cold in January.

How cold was it, you ask?

Cold enough...

to surprise even the most jaded.

Many took it as proof...

that they had been right all along...

so that settles that.

February, 2014

There’s just no arguing with some folks.

HUMOR TIMES

5

Ye Olde Predictions Piece: Circa 2014 The dawn of the new year signals civilization’s return to several grand traditions, including the ancient hoary one requiring we professional columnists to trot out the tried but true “Ye Olde Predictions Piece.” Either that or the even triter but true “Ye Olde Resolutions Piece.” But we wandered down that trail last year.

And most likely will again in 2015.

Therefore, being the traditionalist ink-stained wretches that we here at DurstCo are, it is with great pride and a certain amount of feigned dignity that we honor this revered journalistic practice.

Hence, here they are: predictions of what to expect from various folks during the fifth year of the second decade of the 21st century.

IN THE YEAR 2014: Barack Obama will finally purge himself of the heavy burden of high expectations.

Lindsay Lohan will engage in activities that will trigger a slow, sad shake of the head from Charlie Sheen.

Locavore chicken wings will become all the rage at 60 bucks an order.

Hillary Clinton will change her hairdo so that it looks eerily like Elizabeth Warren’s.

A Silicon Valley start-up will trump Twitter by limiting users

to punctuation marks. “!!!!?!”

The NRA will respond to another senseless school shooting by calling for the closing of all schools.

The NSA will ratchet up their online game-room monitoring to include Words With Friends.

The TSA will expedite passenger security by perfecting the implementation of the two-handed wedgie.

Starbucks will be revealed to be in league with Amazon, charged with the goal of keeping consumers up longer so we can shop more.

The Justice Department will break laws, then conduct investigations into who told the press about the breaking of those laws instead of investigating the crimes stemming from those laws being broken.

John Boehner will encourage the nation’s unemployed to move to Mexico for one of the thousands of good U.S. jobs now there.

The Tea Party will still steer America so that it teeters on the brink of a fiscal speed bump.

Justin Bieber will visit the grave of Mother Jones and declare her a Belieber.

Congress’s Approval Rating will sink below the poll’s margin

WILL DURST

of error.

Washington and Colorado will experience a huge uptick in tax receipts from the sale of Funyuns and Ho Hos. Scientists will conclude global warming is protecting Earth from another Ice Age, causing Rush Limbaugh to call for a return to diesel-powered toasters.

Chris Christie will talk his way out of a rabbit snare into a bear trap.

Joe Biden will change his hairdo so it looks eerily like Chris Christie’s.

Kim Jong Un will play point guard for the North Korean National Basketball Team, then execute Dennis Rodman for stepping on his foot.

Anthony Weiner will attempt another high profile comeback and people will just laugh.

All four Duck Dynasty Boys will enter the 2014 Louisiana U.S. Senate GOP Primary but will knock each other out.

Literally.

New Jersey will conduct traffic studies where traffic is actually studied.

Vladimir Putin will win a gold medal in the Sochi Olympics Biathlon Event. And will do it shirtless.

The Airline Industry will make every effort to rid the skies of the most dangerous security threat known to man: passengers.

Governor Juggernaut Avast me mateys. Off the starboard bow. Thar she blows.

Looks like the Chris Christie juggernaut hit its first iceberg.

And harpoons are flying in from multiple quarters.

Back on the Jersey Shore, Hillary Clinton’s people and Rand Paul’s people are partying so loud and hard, Snooki and JWoww’s people are banging on doors demanding they keep it down.

Rumors that Governor Juggernaut was a petty and vindictive bully have rattled across the borders of the Garden State for quite some time. So when it was revealed that aides shut down 2/3rds of the lanes on the George Washington Bridge to punish Fort Lee’s mayor for not endorsing him, it sounded as in character as the bolts on Baron von Frankenstein’s little buddy. Funny thing is, when you think of the porcine politico and major arteries being clogged, traffic patterns are not what springs to mind.

Christie, however, claims to have had nothing to do with the allegations. And attempted to prove it by getting rid of the guilty staffers quicker than a shower shank thrust to a snitch. If throwing people under a bus were an Olympic event, Chris Christie would be waving from the top of the podium wearing a double XL tracksuit in Russia next month. Fortunately, the bus was stuck in traffic and never moved.

The fact is, either he knew about the GW Bridge closure and did nothing about it, which makes him a cretinous toad: or he had no idea that his staff closed down the Bridge, which makes him a frigging idiot. And nobody thinks Chris Christie is a frigging idiot. Especially him.

Evidenced during a monumental press conference, where he fielded questions from reporters for almost two hours. He didn’t answer many of them, but that’s not the point. His peculiar attraction is authenticity and he went to great pains to appear authentically contrite and apologetic.

As well as self-enamored. He’s definitely a role model for that small group of plus-sized Americans big enough to have a bromance with themselves.

You do have to give it to the Tony Soprano of politics for not trying to hide behind a rock. Of course, the Himalayas being outside of New Jersey could be partly responsible for that. But two hours? Have we learned nothing from Nixon?

Christie dug potential potholes big enough for both he and his special purpose to sink into.

Some experts worry this is going to end badly with construction crews forced to remove the Capitol rotunda so that cranes can lift Chris Christie and his ego out to safety in order to undergo an operation that will staple together his lips.

Then again, the whole country should get down on its knees and thank god that when Governor Bridge & Tunnel did get into trouble, it wasn’t for texting naked pictures of his junk to anybody. Wouldn’t have been able to scrape that image off our collective retinas with a Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 belt sander.

2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted It’s becoming obvious that this guy doesn’t www.dentalandholistichealth.com run a Banana Republic, he is a Banana Republic.

No man is an island, but some are pretty close to peninsulas and this particular land mass still has Family Dentistry to be considered the odds-on favorite for the 2016 with Tender Loving Care.

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He’s too big to fail, and will also most likely Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment. prove to be too big to jail.

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Cen ter Stage in North B end, WA with “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG.”

6

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2014

The Prez

Repubs

The president says the healthcare site is working...

Boehner had a tough year...

and that he will continue to welcome transparency.

learning to deal with the young upstarts.

He got back from his vacation...

But the GOP has kept its core principals...

just in time for a gift from his former CIA chief.

February, 2014

while working to be more inclusive.

HUMOR TIMES

7

The Hightower Lowdown What if Antibiotics no Longer Worked?

Have you had your daily minimum requirement of triclosan today? How about your dosage of triclocarban?

Chances are you have, but don’t know it.

These two are antimicrobial chemicals, which might sound like a good thing — except that they disrupt the human body’s normal regulatory processes. Animal studies show, for example, that these triclos can be linked to the scrambling of hormones in children, disruption of puberty and of the reproductive system, decreases in thyroid hormone levels that affect brain development and other serious health problems.

Yet, corporations have slipped them into all sorts of consumer products, pushing them with a blitz of advertising that claims the antibacterial ingredients prevent the spread of infections. The two chemicals were originally meant for use by surgeons to cleanse their hands before operations, but that tiny application has now proliferated like a plague, con stantly ex pos ing practically everyone to small amounts here, there and everywhere, adding up to dangerous mega-doses.

Triclosan and triclocarban were first mixed into soaps, but then — BOOM! — brand-name corporations went wild, putting these hormone disrupters into about 2,000 products, including toothpaste, mouthwashes, fabrics and (most astonishingly) even into baby pacifiers! Today, use of the chemicals is so prevalent that they can be found in the urine of three-fourths of Americans. They also accumulate in groundwater and soil, so they saturate our environment and eventually ourselves — one study found them in the breast milk of 97 percent of women tested.

For decades, corporate lobbying and regulatory meekness has let this chemical menace spread. Aside from the direct health damage this is causing, the reckless spread of (and profiteering from) antibacterial products is also leading to an even worse nightmare: the stronger, more aggressive bacteria that are immune to — get this — antibacterial products. Oh, the irony!

Most ominously, this nightmare is currently ripping through our medical care system in the U.S. and around the globe.

Antibiotic medicines, long hailed as miracle drugs for their ability to battle infections and save lives — are turning out to be too much of a

good thing.

Two factors are at work here. First, infectious bacteria themselves (one of the earliest forms of life on Earth) are miracles in their own right, with a stunning ability to outsmart the antibiotic drugs through rapid evolution. Second is the rather dull inclination of us supposedly superior humans to massively overuse and misuse antibiotic medicines. Every time we take an antibiotic to kill bad bacteria infecting our bodies, a few of the infectious germs are naturally resistant to the drug, so they survive, multiply and become a colony of Superbugs that antibiotics can’t touch.

Multiply this colony by the jillions of doses prescribed for everything from deadly staph infections to the common cold, and we get the “antibiotic paradox”: The more we use them, the less effective they become, for they’re creating a spreading epidemic of immune Superbugs.

A big cause of this is the push by drug companies to get patients and doctors to reach for antibiotics as a cure-all. For example, millions of doses a year are prescribed for children and adults who have com mon colds, flu, sore throats, etc. Nearly all these infections are caused by viruses — which cannot (repeat: CANNOT) be cured with antibiotics. Taking an antibiotic for a cold is as useless as taking a heart drug for heartburn. The antibiotics will do noth-

JIM HIGHTOWER ing for your cold, but will help es tab lish drug-resistant Superbugs in your body. That’s not a smart tradeoff.

In fact, it’s incomprehensively stupid. These are invaluable medicines we need for serious, life-threatening illnesses, but squandering them on sore throats has already brought us to the brink of Superbugs that are resistant to everything. That’s the nightmare of all nightmares.

“All these people talk so eloquently about getting back to good old-fashioned values.

Well, as an old poop, I can remember back to when we had those old-fashioned values, and I say let’s get back to the good old-fashioned First Amend ment of the good old-fashioned Constitution of the United States – and to hell with the censors! Give me knowledge or give me death!”

– Kurt Vonnegut

Rocky Mountain High

8

Something new is afloat in Colorado...

and the times, they are a-changin’.

Get ready for the new normal...

because resistance is futile.

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2014

One Percent Satisfaction The new year arrived...

with promises of a rising tide.

for everyone...

because things can only get better.

But free handouts are counter-productive...

say the 1%, who should know.

They say the invisible hand of the market...

February, 2014

should be allowed to act out its magic.

HUMOR TIMES

9

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

“We Report, You Decry!”

Direct Link Between Listening to Barry Manilow and Diabetes Sugary strains of Manilow: Enjoy at your own risk For the first time in many years, Barry Manilow is back with new music. The news has brought about cheers from his “Fanilows” and the Elevator Muzak Association of America.

The EMAA issued this state ment: “We welcome any new mate rial from Mr. Manilow. His music playing in the background has kept people from lingering on elevators for decades now.”

“Despite stories of an occasional brain hemorrhage when stuck on an elevator playing Manilow, there is no actual evidence of this ever happening,” it said.

On a more troubling note, however, recent findings do cause alarm for those over-exposed to the sugary sounds of Manilow.

The American Diabetes Society released a study showing a direct link between listening to Barry Manilow songs and diabetes. Scientists played the song “Mandy” over and over again to one of group of lab rats, fed another group only “Coco Puffs” cereal and used a control group to perform the study.

The rats that were forced to listen to Manilow 24/7 came down with the disease 20% more than the “Coco Puff” rats and 75% more than the control group.

Dr. Fritz Koslow who led the study said, “Apparently nothing is more sugary sweet than a Manilow tune. We will ask that they add a warning, ‘I Write The Songs That Make the Whole World Need Insulin.’”

Reported by Humor Times Senior Sugary Sweet Correspondent, Paul Lander.

Freedom Industries defends its freedom to pollute waterways Free dom In dus tries, the more-im portant-than-humans industry conveniently located next to a major river supplying water to nine counties of a rural portion of West Virginia, has contaminated the d rin k in g , b ath in g, teeth br us h in g, clothes-washing water of thousands of people with a coal foaming agent that leaked out of their plant.

Elk River Chemical Spill, Freedom Industries Local residents, rather than wait for governmental and environmental agencies to go through the myriad testing that needs to be done before they can go back to their normal lives, have taken the CEO of Freedom Industries out to the river bank and made him drink several gallons of it over the past few hours to test its effects themselves.

Asked for a comment, the president of the company had only “Glub, gluck, glub, gurgle” and several other unintelligible garbled gargling sounds to say about it.

West Virginia police, who normally run to the aid of any company set upon by workers or citizens, this time stood to the side and seemed to be ignoring the situation, realizing that they all had to drink the same water. “This once, I think I can see why the people are a mite upset,” said an officer who wished to remain anonymous and not endure the same gut flushing that the president was getting.

Business backers were quick to criticize the hazing. Some called it torture. “Why, we can’t have ordinary people doing this to one of our

business (before they were bought out).

• $12,000 allocated to gym equipment for Christie’s private residence, which was allegedly never once used.

• $470,000 to hire British rock leg ends Jimmy Page and Rob ert Plant, of Led Zeppelin fame, to record a personal rendition of their song “The Crunge,” which features the famous line “I’m just trying to find the bridge… has anybody seen the bridge?,” which Christie’s office used to troll the mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey.

• $867,000 to hire wo rld-re now ne d c he fs Gordon Ramsay, Wolfgang Puck, Guy Fieri, Mario Batali, and Rachael Ray to cater a Superbowl party, which again, Christie attended by himself, without inviting guests.

• $212,000 spent toward pizza, which Christie’s office claims was “a test to see which pizza restaurant in New Jersey makes the best pies, as a part of our efforts to help promote small business growth in the wake of Sandy.”

Reported by Matt Rock, ptpsatire.com

Entertainment: Local Band Forms Local band “What Screams May Come” may have only practiced for a half-hour, but they are primed for world domination.

From the ashes of other local bands that includes Bring Me The Birthday Cake, Ginger Vitus, The Hard Grandmas, Pet In ven tory, three stints in The Terrormarketers, and as a substitute bassist for the Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam tribute band the CoCo Pebbles…lead “moaner” David “Glazed” Hamm knew he was meant for so much more.

“These bands, bro…I wasn’t allowed to stretch my creativity. I felt I was being boxed in by their limitations,” Hamm told the Humor Times. “Just got tired of the BS, brocephus…so

12

Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

WV Residents Use Freedom Industries CEO to Test Polluted Waters

Chris Christie Investigation Turning Up More Questionable Expenses New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is facing a federal investigation into his alleged misuse of millions of dollars of Hurricane Sandy relief funds for self-promotional ads. Today, it was revealed that the federal investigation is turning up a whole lot more.

The Department Of Justice is heavily scrutinizing seven expenditures, and has called in several members of Christie’s staff to ascertain how these funds related to Hurricane Sandy relief.

The ques tion able items include: • $247,000 to hire caterers for a supposed ”relief fundrais ing din ner party ” at Christie’s home, which only Governor Christie himself attended, without inviting any other guests.

• $92,000 worth of donkey manure, which was allegedly sent to the office of the mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey after it was shaped up to look like a cake.

• $188,000 spent on building a so-called “strategic Twinkie reserve,” when the Hostess company was in the process of going out of

Headline News Section

I got some guys together and was like, ‘Are y’all ready for supreme dictatorship?’”

Hamm re cruited all mem bers of What Screams May Come from the local Panera Bread, where he’s also employed. The 39 year old Hamm’s vision has been realized and he’s ready to book some gigs.

“We’re THIS good,” Hamm said. “We only ask $500.00 per gig. Our rider states that we just need a P.A., amps, musical instruments, and a venue. That’s it, broconomy!! We’re flexible.”

As of this writing, no one has yet booked What Screams May Come for a gig.

Reported by Humor Times Senior Bro Correspondent, Lee Mays

own elite!” stated the head of the West Virginia Coal ‘R Us Federation, Samuel Gimmeebucks.

“Next thing you know we will have people strik ing for higher wages and a clean envi ron me nt .

That would be the end of business as we know it in this part of the country!”

Even former Vice P r e s i de n t Dick Cheney put in his two cents. “This is unaccept able! This is a form of water torture! It is one thing when you do it to a rag-head from Arabia, but quite another when you do it to a valued businessman only trying to make a buck, or several million bucks!”

Lo cal cit i zens in volved in the in ter nal waterboarding of Freedom Industries CEO insist they were only using a cost-effective means of determining if the water was truly safe or not.

“We thought we’d test it out on his internal organs. If it shut his down, then we would know it wasn’t okay yet.”

Local water company (West Virginia American Water) president Jeff McIntyre said, “We don’t know that the water’s not safe,” (actual comment!) thus becoming himself the second guinea pig to be used as a human water filtration system.

West Virginia residents of the Elk River area await the results of the experiment and in the mean time are allowing the two lab rats to pee as much as they need to.

Reported by Roger Freed, Humor Times Senior Revenge Mob Correspondent.

Toys for Tots’ Goes Bust What was supposed to be a run of the mill “Toys for Tots” Holiday event became anything but, when its full page ad declared “Toys for Tits.”

Word of the event spread quickly, causing two local strip joints to close completely.

Said Honey Suckle (we assume not her real name), “do you know how many hours I have to dance to get enough one dollar bills to buy my kids’ Christmas presents?” Lifting her shirt, Ms. Suckle added, “I figure these babies gotta be good for a Sony Playstation 4!”

Honey Suckle, innocent victim.

The local fire department quickly arrived on the scene. When asked if there was a fire, the Chief shrugged and said, “There might be…”

Later in the day, the newspaper’s editor offered this apology: “we fired the boob, uh, idiot…”

In a related story, area toy stores reported their highest one day sales totals with most of the purchases to grown men in a rush to what they believed was the “Toys for Tits” event.

Reported by Paul Lander, Humor Times Senior Boob Correspondent.

“We will know world peace is at hand when all the peace groups get along.”

– Swami Beyondananda

Dennis Rodman Found Drunk, Face Down in Pyongyang Alley Rodman alive and, for now at least, sober PYONGYANG, N. KOREA – Dennis Rodman is alive and, at present, sober after being found face down in a small mud puddle in an alleyway adjacent to the Pyongyang stadium, where he sang “Happy Birthday” to N. Korean leader Kim Jong Un on Wednesday.

Sources close to Rodman claim the washed-up basketball player drank heavily the night of his birthday tribute. He found out the hard way, in North Korea, if you drink heavily, you are on your own, regardless of whether or not you resemble Marilyn Monroe in any way.

No one, especially the leader, would speak to Rodman after his 15th shot of Andong soju (a distilled liquor from the city of the same name), and Un ordered Rodman be stripped naked (Un is said to have an affinity for the 50+ Rodman’s rock-hard abs) and left alone to wander the streets of Pyongyang.

Un then advised his soldiers that if Dennis Rodman found his way to Un’s supreme bedroom, they were to leave the two alone so that he could rest. A “do not disturb” sign was hastily scribbled on the back of a Korean take-out box and placed on Un’s door. Un’s wife was ordered

to sleep on t he supreme couch that evening.

How ever, Rodman Dennis Rodman, alive and kicking. never made it back to the supreme palace and instead, was found naked and semi-conscious in the alleyway still singing parts of the birthday song, changing it only slightly to indicate he was wishing himself a happy birthday and not the Supreme Leader.

Rodman was finally brought to the only hospital in Pyongyang, where he was ordered to vomit or be killed. Rodman reportedly vomited and is now confirmed to be sober enough to realize he may be in serious trouble with the Supreme Leader if he doesn’t come up with a quick basketball analogy to explain his actions over the past few days.

Reported by P. Beckert, Humor Times

Spousal Rape: An Old Wives’ Tale Old wives from around the globe are chiming in on Virginia State Senator Richard “Dick” Black’s assessment on rape in the marital bedroom. Black claims that spousal rape is not a punishable crime, due to the fact that the couple sleep together and well, dammit, the man is entitled to take what is his.

Marilyn Notsfast, an old housewife from Roanoke, VA, gave her reasons why she says Black is right.

For years, Notsfast’s neighbors have thought the kindly old widow a pleasure to be around but not that bright. But as her story unfolds, we can see the woman is, to quote George W. Bush, sorely mis-underestimated.

“Hell, us old wives made up that tale about going to jail for rape to scare our husbands off’n us because we’d had enough of their whining about not getting enough,” she said.

“Truth be told, the only reason we put out in the first place is to get some bread and egg

HUMOR TIMES

money.”

But Notsfa st said her then husband, Harvey, was a hard one to please.

“He caught on real fast that I didn’t have that many headaches, and he’d just start taking, as Harvey crowed to his poker buddies, what was rightfully his.”

Marilyn said he took his share one too many times, and also took a few things that she wasn’t willing to give, “namely my self-esteem, my love for love-making, and most of all, my reason for living…and that’s when he got a nighttime cock-tail that helped him sleep real good.”

“I ain’t afraid to tell you what happened that night when I snapped,” she said. “He had it coming to him for many a year, and like I said to the po-lice when they asked if I had anything to do with it. I told em, ‘He dun it all to hisself.’”

Reported by P. Beckert, Humor Times

February, 2014

Congress Storms Back

Could Care Less

Congress returned to Washington...

Republican governors are determined...

determined to do better...

to appear compassionate while denying care.

But things are looking up...

for their constituents...

and that’s a problem.

in the new year.

February, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

13

A&E’s New Reality

New Year, Same as the Old

Duck Dynasty is a popular “reality” show...

It’s a brand new year...

that got a little too real for the A&E network.

with high hopes...

for change.

They don’t want to kill their golden goose...

so they’re doing it by the book.

14

Smile!

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2014

Bottle Up the Nuclear Genie The U.S. is brokering a peace deal with Iran...

and as usual, Congress is doing all it can...

Argus Sez

ARGUS HAMILTON

The Wash ing ton Times re ported that Medicare overpaid sixty-four million dollars for erection pumps which the federal program provides for male senior recipients. The White House pointed out this is not a feature of Obama Care. It’s Clinton Care if it’s anything.

the pope talk things out. Neither one likes the other’s holier-than-thou attitude.

The Denver Broncos and Peyton Manning hosted the New England Patriots and Tom Brady for the AFC title in Denver. The local fans are the most hospitable in the league. When people in Colorado say hi to each other, it’s no longer a greeting, it’s a question.

The U.S. Senate Intelligence Committee released a report saying the White House knew that Benghazi was a terror attack all along. It was never over an anti-Muslim video as they claimed. President Obama is in so much political trouble he may have to kill bin Laden again.

Duck Dynasty survived gay anger against Phil Robertson and returned to air. He offended gays in a GQ interview. It’s weird that A&E hired Phil Robertson for being a colorful backwoods redneck and then suspended him for sounding like a colorful backwoods redneck.

President Obama vowed to bypass Congress if they halt his agenda. It added to the evidence he’s been hanging out with Chris Christie. He just authorized a feasibility study on closing the road between the U.S. Capitol and Reagan National on Wednesday nights.

The FBI’s investigation concluded that the IRS did not target opposition groups during the last election. It only added to public cynicism.

Will Rogers once joked that Americans have the best government money can buy, then he died in a mysterious plane crash in Alaska.

U.S. Con sul Gen eral in Na ples Don ald Moore was accused of running the U.S. consulate in Naples like his own sex party pad. The accuser says hookers have the door codes to get into the building. It comes standard whenever the Secret Service installs your security system.

French President Francoise Hollande promised he’ll choose between his girlfriend and mistress before next month’s White House visit.

A weary America, sick to death of fourteen years of division over oil wars, race, recession and health care, cheered. This sex scandal could sweep the Clintons back into the White House just for their entertainment value alone.

The Detroit Auto Show named the 2015 Ford truck its Truck of the Year. The truck gives the driver a unique experience because it’s made out of aluminum. Imagine Nolan Ryan getting in a bar fight and you’re inside a beer can going a hundred miles an hour.

North Koreans are reportedly holding secret movie parties where they watch Hollywood DVDs smuggled into the country. This country’s got a long way to go. Last night Kim Jung Un watched Twelve Years a Slave and found himself enjoying it for all the wrong reasons.

Secretary of State John Kerry told reporters in Rome that President Obama is planning to come to the Vatican to meet with Pope Francis this year. It’s important that the president and

Justin Bieber’s house was raided by L.A. sheriffs after neighbors said he had egged their houses. They arrested a rap star they found in his house with drugs but they weren’t sure if it was cocaine or ecstasy. The police will know for sure based on how much money they get.

L.A. County sheriffs transported the drugs found at Justin Bieber’s house to the lab for analysis. It’s all too soon. His manager is devastated that Bieber got caught with drugs at his house at age 19 before he had a chance to get hooked on them and make some decent music.

to cut to the chase.

Meanwhile, in North Korea:

February, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

15

Infomania

Violence at the Movies Yet another shooting...

It’s a brave new world...

resulting in another “stand your ground” defense. and getting stranger all the time.

Growing up is a challenge in today’s world...

We’ve created a monster...

but it’s good at locating real threats.

16

and even dating rituals must adapt.

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2014

In Sports News

The Olympics Russia began welcoming Olympic hopefuls...

The college bowl game season ended...

A-Rod was suspended... and bracing for lots of excitement...

the Saints went marching out... in what could be a fast-paced...

and da Bears renewed Cutler’s contract.

February, 2014

but and explosive event.

HUMOR TIMES

17

Miscellaneous Mischief

18

HUMOR TIMES

February, 2014

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